Tired of being misquoted, Ed. You are trying to play a victim game here with me and with your heart instead of looking within.

  ( For those not at the chat, the suggestion was to *practice* your discernment using a regular deck of playing cards, trying to feel if the next card is red or black by making a statement one way or the other and feeling if it is true. Its actually a variation of a basic cold reading ESP test dating back to Victorian times, maybe older... gypsy tarot training? Getting above average wrong is also a confirmation, that you are psychic and scared to validate it.

  Scientifically, it was replaced by rhine cards.)

I'm not quoting from a chat. I'm quoting from a post you made in the tearoom. In the post you did not write anything about practising, but you wrote: to TEST it.

If you are tired of being misquoted, maybe you should start applying your teachings on yourself, and then start looking at what you are doing that makes you experience being misquoted? No victims, right?

Why do you start bringing in about what you said in a chat, which I, as far as I can remember, was not participating in? How could I know what you have said in a chat if was never in that chat?

  Regarding the workshop: I do not remember everything said in trance when channelling, we have talked about that before. I accept it is possible I said that. However I find it quite unlikely.  Does not sound like me at all.  I do not make those sorts of promises, I do not pretend to control fate like that...  especially as I could feel we had not gotten all the entities out of everybody, but we had already gone overtime with it and we had to move on.

   What does sound like me, is the same as it says at the top of every web page the entity clearing is on, and the disclaimer for the invocation of the Angels at the end of a workshop entity clearing:

IF and I do mean IF you have *total faith* in your guardian angels to keep you free of entities, then ask them to do that, and they will. We asked them to. I usually go on to say nobody has that sort of faith so keep practicing your energy hygiene.

  Everybody in the workshop got a little printed book with that same information, too. The class was half FST students, all knew about K teacher and everybody got the little workshop book. 

  How many times have you read the entity clearing lesson?  How did you manage to erase the disclaimer about the need for unbroken faith, from your head in favour of an unreasonable promise I do not think I made? 

  Time constraints on live training, some stuff gets dropped... in Prague the entity clearing itself had to be skipped, translation was cool but everything took twice as long to teach, and with the language barrier such complicated interactive work was simply impossible.  For sure I did not like teaching heart opening without entity clearing, but I had to give my fear up to Goddess and hope they read the booklet. The Finland workshop was half FST students, and they all knew about K-teacher. They had the written word for reference, online and in print, and reading it has no time constraints.

  I know the fin FST group has continued to meet regularly since the workshop and they have continued to do entity clearings so obviously what they heard is not what you heard... we can ask them if you want. Duu was there, so was Mari and jaakko and martin.

  Tuomas might even have it on videotape.  You want to call him up and look for the evidence?

Yes, call up on Tuomas and let's look at the videotape. Maybe the videotape can refreshen your memory. And do not try to use any kind of lame power game and suggesting we should have a poll among the students that where present at the workshop about whether you said it or not. Both you and I know that most of the students are afraid of getting whacked by you if they disagree with what you say.


  Has your faith in your guardian angels been perfect and unbroken since the workshop? Did you maybe have some moments of fear or a fall from grace where it may have failed you? You asked what happened...


I don't think so.


  If you are determined to find fault with FST, then sure you can find errors. Many of the pages have never been spell checked, some pages are missing parts, most of the off site links do not work, the videos are archaic format, and Solomon is son of David not dad. FST was never finished! I had a business partner pushing me to open so it opened, otherwise it would probably still sit unpublished for being imperfect just like all my books are unpublished.


Am I determined to find faults with FST - or is it that I am asking questions about stuff that I am starting to doubt?

Your excuse of getting pushed to publish FST is  lame. Either you publish it, and take responsibility for it - or you don't publish at all.


  The important question is, Ed, why do you create this sort of drama for yourself? What is the hidden benefit you gain from it? If you think your heart has entities then clean them out so you can trust it again. Drama not necessary.


So, I am the one who is making all this drama? If a student of you starts making drama on your web forum, why don't you ask yourself what you have youself done to provoke it? Or maybe I am just reflecting you?


  I remember with the previous: when I taught soul spark to third eye in chat, you asked if it was the same as witness, I said it was similar... not the same.  Told you ask your heart expecting it would give insights into a structure that would take me too many words to define in a chat.  Some people did get insights.  You flat out contradicted me, reported that your heart said they were the same.  I had a thought, there is Ed, ungrounded again and reaching for the shortcut... fast food spirituality, get your enlightenment at burger king, believe two whoppers for 3.99.

  As a yoga teacher, would you choose to spend the next 10 minutes arguing with the ungrounded guy who has already discarded what you said and made the unconscious decision to believe what his ego wants to believe, while everybody else waits, or would you turn your attention back to the other sincere students who respect the class enough to be grounded for it, and are ready to listen?


Well, as a yoga teacher I would apply your teaching on myself, and ask myself what I have done to provoke this behaviour from the student. I would also remind myself that everything is a reflection of me. But I guess that does not apply to you - if so, why is that?

Remember  the chats we had after my post about you complaining about some guys at the workshop after-party?  First you denied ever doing so. Then you changed your mind and said that you did complain and that you where internally looking it as a reflection of  yourself.

Then you said that you felt hurt by my passive aggressive attack on you (that is how you characterized my post about me doubting you practising what you preach), and said that you where hurt by my post, and that the students where also hurt too, and you wanted me to retract the post.

I did retract it, and said sorry if you or the students felt hurt by it. Soon after, a student wrote an answer to the post and said that your behaviour was your problem, and not mine.

And then in a chat after that post, you said that you had not been hurt by the post at all.

Hmm....you twist, change and deny saying things, as it fits you.

Go through the chat logs, and you will see. I don't have the chat logs, but I'm sure you have them.

Now, what makes me wonder is this. Why did you look at yourself as a victim or the students as a victim of my post about me doubting you practicing what you preach? According to your teaching, you must have done something, and the students must have done something too, that provoked me to write that post, right? And anyway, everything and *everyone* is a reflection of you, right - so why do you react so negatively to the post?

In one of your lessons, you have a quote about living as a person who does not care about what is said about oneself is true or not, even if it is broadcasted around the world. At least you seem to care about it. Or maybe I am just misunderstanding, if so, please enlighten me Mystress.



All of your invented shortcuts are the same:

  Misinterpret the meaning of the Mirror of All so you can skip the painful messy shadow work and keep on projecting.
  Change the micro cleansing to an out of body macro cleansing because the micro cleansing takes a lot of focus and months to be completed and you don't want to be bothered with all that work.
  Pretend the ego is the same as Goddess so you can skip real growing and continue to feed it.
  Pretend that soul spark to 3rd eye is the same as witness because true witness is hard and soul spark is easy.
  Pretend that once you asked the Guardian angels to handle it, you are home free and can skip any entity related energy hygiene forever.
  Postpone understanding the basic spiritual principle "what you put out comes back multiplied" for 6+ years so you can keep playing victim and pretend you are not the root cause of how you think people treat you. You just figured out that if you act from love, people are kind? Where have you been all this time?


Take a look in the mirror and try to see what this reflects about you....or maybe you can try to find out what it is in you that has provoked this type of behaviour from me?


  Do you remember the time you posted two lines and said it was your grad essay? Way to let everybody know that your approach to FST is frivolous and disrespectful. That same careless attitude as all these shortcuts that lead you astray.  It isn't about FST, it is your attitude about yourself that buys into mis-translations of selective hearing. Shadow stuff of insecurity- lack of self love.


I followed my heart voice, which you later said was full of entities.


   I have tried to be generous wondering, is there something in your mind that does not work right, messes with your understanding ... some social disability I am not qualified to diagnose like I have encountered in other students who persistently get things backwards,  but I don't think so.  Just big ego. You believe what you want to believe and most of those beliefs are about looking for the fast food lane even if it poisons you.


Hmm...so now I have a big ego. Before you have said that a have little ego. Make up your mind. Apparently your view about my ego change according to your mood.


  I accept people all learn at their own pace, that is part of why I don't delete expired memberships. I don't want to bitch at you, just trying to point out the pattern here. You choose to believe what you want to believe, and then you try to come back at me saying FST is wrong. Throwing darts.


My membership is not expired. I renew it every year.

Throwing darts? Hmm...is not this victim play from you? Apply your teaching on yourself, and try to find out what you have done to provoke that which you are calling throwing darts.


  It is not about me, it is not about FST, it is what I have said it to you before. Low self esteem, you look for the shortcuts even if they are wrong, because you don't think you are worth the effort of the real deal. I do not have a magic wand to wave to give you self esteem, it has to be home grown. You have to dig in the mud of your own backyard to work out why you think you are a worthless waste of time.  I don't think that about you, nobody does but that is the reflection of your approach to FST.


Power games. Instead of responding to my questions in a constructive and objective manner, you are trying to attack my self esteem. Why do you do that?


  There are two big disclaimers on this course. One is legal: according to Canadian law this school is classified as "entertainment."  Not healing, not therapy, not counselling or guidance.  All psychic services and spiritual training is entertainment, unless its a church.  It also says I cannot control how well you understand what I write... I wont take the blame if you misunderstand and cause damage because that is beyond my control. Free Will is Goddess law and I cannot be responsible for what goes on in other people's heads.


Oh, so this is about me misunderstanding? That's a new one. Another way of you not taking responsibility for your behaviour?


   Does that make it ok to spew their misery *at* me? No. Give them to Goddess. I told you before, being a dartboard for my students karmic issues is not my gig. Safeword. I got my own kind of crazy too and its got a label, oppositional defiance and it makes me a bad dartboard, one with fangs and Shaman perceptions that can do chainsaw massacre on egos. I do not like when it gets the better of me even knowing that the spewing usually heals the issues in the recipient. 


More power games. Me asking questions your teachings is me spewing at you? That's another inventive argument from you trying to avoid responsibility.

Oppositional defiance is usually outgrown after the teens. Maybe I have oppositional defiance too? After all, everyone is a reflection of you too.



  The second disclaimer is from the heart, and it is the Osho quote at the bottom of the members index. A quote from a Guru to show I am not one... I want to teach people to become self reliant and discerning.


Heh, you know that the Sanskrit word Guru means teacher in English? You behave as a guru, and expect people to follow the tune of your flute as if you where a guru, but won't take the responsibility of being a guru.


  Your ancestral religion is based in Guru worship, and the old stuff holds sway even if our conscious choices are different. Its guru devotion, hang onto one thing you think I said and ignore the contradiction written everywhere else the topic is mentioned. Guru worship is laziness, tithe to the Guru to handle your karma, and go about living your life.  Ok for those who want that, but FST is not it. Got to paddle your own canoe here, process your own stuff and get the jewels of self knowledge for your own treasure chest.   

Hmm..what happened to me being your slave so that you could handle my karma? And then you asked for tithing in a session we had also. Check you SL logs. More inconsistencies from you.


  I have alternately cultivated and discouraged the "cult of personality" that focuses on the teacher not the teachings. For sure in my artist days it was about getting my name out there but K teacher pages did not bear my name for most of a decade, to let the work stand on its own. The artist is interested in peoples relationship with the art.

   Still, I can recognise that some FST students do not come for FST, they come for me.  Its not about learning so much as about catching the teacher's eye, getting attention feeling the charisma.

  To their credit, some of those people are the most devoted long time supporters and I thank Goddess for them (and some turn into persistent stalkers) but for me FST is about the work.  Your approach to the work is inventive, selective and maybe FST for you isn't about that, its about your attachment to me. 

Stop trying to make this about you and your charisma. This is about me questioning your teachings.

Both you and I know that my DB got me to sign up for this course, and we are both tied to each other until I graduate.

Maybe I am all wrong here, I don't know. I am looking forward to your answers.


Edward

Dear Edward,

I think Mystress did clear all the entities from your heart and that you have replaced them with one big massive entitiy called “God is this voice I hear and nothing else.”

Try reading the Qur’an. It helped me loads.

love

Martin

Hi, Edward

Without respect, there can be no teacher and there can be no teaching and if there is no teaching then the word graduation looses meaning.
You still imagine Mystress as a sort of all knowing guru, that doesn't feel a thing and is here to serve your whims. What a fun idea. And wrong.
Mystress is a very human being, it is the humanness that makes her special and cherished.
If you just discovered that and are still in disbelief from seeing crashing of your created guru ideals, fine.
But get your act together fast. Because exactly when you discovered Mystress humanness you suddenly act as if human teacher is not enough.  And you criticize this or that, just words.
Mystress teaching was never contained in words. So you criticizing is not even touching it.
So what you criticize is not teaching but Mystress, measuring against some inhuman ideal in your head. So Mystress just is as is and is a treasure. You take it or leave it. Not fitting to your ideal, then chuck the ideal. Human talk is just that a human talk, it is not that important. Why it is now suddenly so important?
Why did you chose this public method to discuss it? It all is a bit immature. Inconsiderate of feelings.

The tone you speak is not the tone you would talk to a feeling human being yet alone to a human teacher. That is simply naive in case you wanted any answers for real.
And you really did not thought too much about you comments as to realize what the real cause of your dissatisfaction truly is.

Love,
Duu

Hi Edward - your post triggered something.

When I signed up for Fire Serpent Tantra I payed for the course and I did not sign up for Mystress.
Nevertheless I have to admit that I take every possibility to experience her wonderful teachings. She is the perfect teacher for me - but she is not exclusively a teacher.
The few aspects I saw from her are: Schaman, Witch, SL creater, Shaktipat master, a great artist ... add inifinitum. Fire Serpent Trantra is the piece Art and Mystress Angelique Serpent is the Artist.
There is always a part of the Artist in the Art but the interpretation of the Art is up to every individual. For my part it is Goddess teaching the lessons - very much hands on and do it yourself to find all the potatoes.


All the best for you.


PS: I love the wings ...

Quote from: Duu on Oct 10, 2012, 06:22:42 PM
Why did you chose this public method to discuss it? It all is a bit immature. Inconsiderate of feelings.

The tone you speak is not the tone you would talk to a feeling human being yet alone to a human teacher. That is simply naive in case you wanted any answers for real.
And you really did not thought too much about you comments as to realize what the real cause of your dissatisfaction truly is.

Love,
Duu

Dear Duu,

I'm not here to discuss Mystress feelings. Trying to make my questioning about her teachings into something about her feelings, is a manipulative power game from your side.

My tone is just the way it is. If you don't like it, turn the mirror around and know that what you see is yourself reflected. Maybe there is something about your tone?

Love,
Edward

Edward,

Accurate discernment is not an easy skill to learn, even after the heart has been cleared of entities, as long as we have ego, there is still opportunity for distortion. Personally, I find discernment to be the most challenging,  only when our consciousness has become a perfectly clear mirror can we reflect the voice of Goddess will perfectly. If I want to see how distorted my mirror is, I will get a deck of cards and test it, but I already know that I am not clear enough to receive good results, so I wont even try it. I don't claim to have a perfectly clear heart voice either. I feel some clear guidance occasionally, but I always use common sense, sometimes I get it wrong as well. We are all here learning to surrender and clear our karma. In one of the FST lessons, Mystress talks about not going postal and becoming an axe murderer because the voices made me do it, to use trust in addition to common sense.

My interpretation regarding 'the Mirror of all that is', is that it has nothing to do with boundaries. To me, it does not mean that everything I see is myself reflected, therefore I will allow people to walk all over me while I love them unconditionally. I don't read it as being about blaming ourselves either. Taking responsibility for ourselves is not about feeling like a victim or damaging our self esteem. Isn't the whole point of it, to stop projecting judgements onto others  and as a useful tool to identify and clear our own karma? Doesn't recognizing that I'm seeing the world through my own filters and believes help me to identify and release them? When we clear all Karma, there are no labels, no judgements, no thoughts, no self. We are not perceiving though any filters, so there is only 'what is' and no-one there to take delivery of that.  I perceive this teaching as Dharma.

I attract that which occurs is also a truth that resonates with me through the experiences of my own life. Life is my teacher, we are all here to grow and learn. The point is to stop using blame, look within, apply acceptance and gratitude to the problems in life and look for the lessons contained in them.

In the end, teachings are useful to gain insights, but are still expressing concepts through the mind, a dualistic instrument. No teaching will ever be 'the truth' and we could sit here and argue about words endlessly, getting stuck in the mind. Teachings can only point using limited words and language.

In your post, you commented that your questioning was regarding the Teaching, yet most of it was aimed at the teacher. People have already stated that FST is not about the teacher. Either you find value in the teaching or you do not. There is no 'one size fits all', if something is not working for you, move on. No understanding was ever accomplished using blame, anger or aggression. These moods are just unreasonable in any meaningful discussion. Using blame is a strategy to transfer your karma to someone else, its like cursing them and very unethical. Its not the right way to go about clearing karma. Regarding your current issues, ask yourself, if you really want to be helped. Humility, surrender and love are all attitudes for receiving, for learning. What do you hope to achieve by approaching Goddess with boxing gloves?

I would like to add that, if you have personal  issues with someone, its best to discuss with them in private. Its really none of my business and I prefer not to get involved or even hear about it. 

All the best

Robin

Hey Robin, wonderful post

To the other students, who are following this teacher bashing drama...  These posts show you, how essential for the kundalites mental health it is to use common sense, stay grounded and take the responsibility of your life. FST has words in it, but the essence of teaching is *not* in the words. It's between the lines, in the empty spaces.

FST says it in many places through the course: Do not believe anything I say, but see if it works yourself. Then there's also the fact that FST is only a tool to get clear up to a point. Might become a time in our evolution when we have to abandon some or all we have studied here to ascend. Mystress in a session might say something, but it's not that I would have to follow whatever she had said blindly, but those words might have been essential to assist me releasing certain karma in that session, and afterwards maybe totally new path opens up. If I then just hang on in the Mystresses words from the session stubbornly, I am blocking the Divine will for me...

ed, you're not tied up to Mystress. You are free like a bird in the sky to go somewhere else. Most students leave the course before graduation, so just move on... you are only tied up here *inside of your mind* if you choose to create some story in your head about your specialness to Mystress.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diT3FvDHMyo

Quote from: edward on Oct 10, 2012, 05:59:17 AMStop trying to make this about you and your charisma. This is about me questioning your teachings.

Both you and I know that my DB got me to sign up for this course, and we are both tied to each other until I graduate.

Maybe I am all wrong here, I don't know. I am looking forward to your answers.


Edward

    We are not tied together. Plenty of FST students seem to have been able to wander off at will.

 I don't think this is about you questioning my teachings. You rejected me to be your teacher, months ago. What pisses you off is that I accepted it so readily.  

 You are cranky for attention because I did not respond to your humble apology post fast enough. Ego.  In fact I did write a lengthy response to it but a computer glitch ate it so I felt, Ed is meant to work it out for himself. Goddess has it handled.

*ding!  Handled, next post the humility turns out to be completely insincere, a manipulative ploy that did not work and so enraged at not getting your own way, the next manipulation strategy is tested. Interrogator power game, asking leading questions to which there are no right answers, only more fodder for shredding and distortion. Hints of blackmail threats regarding private conversations with someone I thought was a friend.

 No, I am not ashamed of your indiscretion or of anything I do, thousands of posts to k list and this forum demonstrate my willingness to be open, 1000x what I ask of any student. You don't get to shame me, as your reward for being an asshole, regardless of what you might disclose.

 However, privacy is a sacred right.  What you get is a loss of my trust. You may not recognise the loss, because you do not trust anyone.  

 You tell me you have been in love with me for 6 years, the tearoom archives are full of your adoration, and then say you do not care about my feelings and try to make me out as some kind of aggressive predator?  

  You have tried all your best manipulation tricks on me before, they didn't work.

 You have this idea the students are all too browbeaten to speak their minds, but if that were true you would be getting ims of support. Instead you are getting "why are you doing this" and "we don't want to know."  Students are not consenting to being pulled into your drama. It is not because they are scared of me, its because you are acting like a spoiled child or jilted lover.
 
 I am resistant to giving you any more of my attention.  You are the third highest poster @ 256 posts. I have spent years answering your questions: tearoom, chat and workshops.  80/20 rule... 20% of the clients use up 80% of the time. Well, third highest poster skews those numbers even higher. You got plenty of mileage out of your 88-150 per year. You have taken more of my time and attention on this forum than any other student for as long as FST has been open.



 One of my students who thinks I work way too hard, (and hes right) gave me a book called the 4 hour work week. It suggested: ditch the difficult 20%, give more quality time to the remaining 80%, the respectful, sincere students.

Well, I am not that harsh but I do not feel I owe you anything. I have been very generous with you, even bent my own rules to try to help you. Now you want to demand more? You are a greedy little attention vamp and you bite the hand that feeds. Fuck off.

The mirror and 100% responsibility are internal processes. Turning it around to make somebody else responsible for what you feel is a new victim twist.  You want me to take 100% responsibility for you, while taking 0 responsibility for your self and you do not see the absurdity?  Do you take responsibility for a single decision of your own? Your post is all about blame, nothing about taking personal responsibility for your own choices and feelings.

 It is quite ironic, on the surface you are all angry and rejecting my teachings and questioning my integrity but by blaming me for all your stuff, you are projecting Goddess onto me. That part is a desperate plea for help that has nothing to do with all this intellectual rationalizations.

 Well, the vamps are vamping you and the Shamans are doing the puppet hunting. Pretty slow going and toxic for them to work on someone who is so resistant but they are compassionate.    

  I did get an insight, while digging through your stuff.  

 You have never actually attained genuine witness state, have you? That lack of experience is why you confused it with third eye, and that is why the mirror confuses you too.

 In genuine Witness, there is no "I," no sense of personal identity at all, it is outside of ego.   "All that I see is my self reflected" means something quite different when there is no self to be reflected.  Telling me to apply the mirror to that,  is nonsensical and only shows that you do not understand the nature of the Witness state, as if you have never been there.

 Most of the other students seem to understand this, the point of abandoning self to witness or channelling Goddess for the purpose of teaching is to get outside of ego, to see clearly when there is no "me" to cloud things. This ability is why I am a good teacher. Am I always a perfectly transparent channel? Of course not, that is where your own discernment comes in. Want to know which videos are less transparent? Count the "ya know"s.

  I don't have any issue with sometimes looking as flaky as pie crust to someone who does not get what is going on. I really don't care. Seriously do not give a shit. You want to crucify me over a mischosen word? Grow up.  The inconsistencies are an issue to you, not to me. I do not expect to be consistent, I become what I need to be to do the work and then go home to being nothing.  I am killed off by my guide or the work on a regular basis, and come back subtly different each time. For most people, having such a fluid sense of identity would be emotionally distressing but Shamans get used to it. The Guide is the constant. The guide is the mirror on steroids... yes, some rules are different for shamans. FST is for Kundalites.

  The polarity of interrogator is aloof. ok?
 I don't have to answer your questions. I have nothing to prove. You can believe whatever you like. You will anyway. Everybody always does.  We  don't get to control how people choose to see us.


   Am kind of busy with my own stuff atm, testing my theories about how to resolve PTSD on myself, being my own guinea pig  by visiting my family and helping my elderly parents move house. Walked eyes open into my own personal hell to test the process on myself... right in the crucible it was born from.   Pretty interesting to see myself reverting to being 8 years old when the triggers hit but I am trying to process and not spew, because they are *my* triggers and victimhood would only keep me stuck.
 It is working!    

Thanks for replying Mystress. You did not answer my questions, but I did not expect you do that either.

In what way do you think that I'm being an asshole?

And why do you become so angry to tell me to "fuck off"?

Do you really think that I am "out to get you"?

I think you're the one who got pissed off after me pointing out the human Mystress' behaviour in the initial Finland post, because your ODD/PTSD made you feel it like an attack, and that after the post you have been taking passive aggressive shots at me, that has made me pissed at you. Okay?

I don't see you as an aggressive predator, but rather someone who because of their ODD/PTSD reacts passively aggressive when you feel personally attacked.

I'm working on my PTSD too, by spending time with my father and his new family.



Edward

i read all 3 pages of this, yeah me , i like it when i can focus to read
the passion in the words "fuck off" got my interest going, and how it got to that point

Dr. Low says something like high expectations lead to self induced frustrations. Being able to read cards black or red is a extremely high expectation, if i could do that i would go to Vegas and make a fortune.

There is some thing to said of letting go entitlements (especially from Mystress) and staying humble, i try to think of any responce from Mystress a gift from Her good grace, and i saw Ed thank Mystress for the responce and that is cool

Being bound till Mystress till graduation is an interesting idea,
that works if you wanna be bound, i guess i am not expecting to graduate. i don't feel bound to Mystress. i am in no hurry to leave
Mystress. i think i made a Strong connection with Her early on (not saying it was what some people think of positive connection) i have a
hard time making strong connections with people, i think it is to my benefit to try and keep this connection

and remember what you resist persits, its not only Mystress that says this
but my behavioral therapy group leader says it a lot too, sometimes people are shy and resist saying something and can't seem to get rid of thought or the feeling

the commets on this thread gives me some insight in how i should continue with this course, i guess i feel i owe Mystress a good essay
maybe i shouldn't feel that way

i have been stuck on trying read aspects of c. (can't spell it) for many months maybe a pushing a year now

thats it for now can all ways write more later, ant

big question is to resist writing stuff (cuz then i might get stuck with stuff) or write stuff

   People who think me telling someone to fuck off, indicates anger, do not know much about Canadians. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcOanx3Vhts

   I kicked Ed out. He has been trying to break away from FST for months, looked like he was determined to go the passive aggressive victim route and act out until he got booted.

  I am generous with my students, was very generous with him but I have one hard limit to my generosity and he aimed right for it.

  I have a rule. Students who deliberately try to provoke my disability to get attention, its automatic eviction. Cannot teach someone to follow their heart, if they do not have one.  In that way, my ODD functions as an asshole detector, students who are so heartless, selfish and disrespectful as to deliberately trigger it like I am some kind of wind up toy,  get kicked out. Time is the one non renewable resource, time management with ADD is always a challenge, and there is no win in letting them stress me and steal my time.  Steal from the other students too, I am not available to help anyone when triggered, it is like an obsessive possesion state single focus, cannot get anything done until it passes and it leaves the body exhausted.

  Oppositional defiance is a self diagnosis, if there is a better term for it then I do not know what. If I could clear it from myself I would have long ago,  but watching my mom fall into it when feeling threatened these past weeks only validated that its genetic. Spent years trying to fix it... along my efforts to do so one day I applied gratitude, looked for perfection, and the insights I got, awed me.

  For all the difficulties and drama it has cost me, the overall benefit to my path and my art and my work is so enormous.

  ODD is why my work is unique: it made me emotionally vulnerable but also deeply influence-proof. I have never been a follower of anybody, nor a switch, never had a guru or a master or ever could adhere to anyone's rules or respect anyone's judgments about me unless they came from love and were in alignment with Goddess inside myself, my Muse, my center.

  I simply cannot do it, there were times when such independence got weary and I wanted to try to pass the buck of personal responsibility but anybody gets between me and Goddess within myself, berserker wolf is going to come out to rip them away... better to skip the drama and not even try.

   Goddess put ODD in my DNA to make me completely Hers, a transparent vessel,  and to have none before. She  made it a genetic imperative and the beauty of feeling so loved and protected made me weep with gratitude. 

Thank you Mystress for sharing - the love and gratitude in this post touched me. You are a wonderful person.