Realizations

[edward]

I have realized that the world has not hurt me at all.

I have realized that everything is an energy exchange on some level, or an negotiation to exchange energy. And that we only exchange energy if we think that we will gain more energy. So actually we are very selfish, it's nature - and we are animals.

I see that my way of playing kind and soft, and then a victim, was a way of exchanging energy, in a more concealed way, but the intentions are the same - to gain more energy.

So I am doing the same thing as others, so why not just be open about it.

I also understand that romantic love from outside is not possible or sustainable.  I did not believe it for many years, and now I again believe that it is correct. A human can not love another human, or anything else for that matter, because it is always about some kind of energy exchange where the human's intention is to gain energy for himself.

I also think that satisfying and blissfull homosexual lovemaking and monogamy is no less fantasy than satisfying and blissfull heterosexual lovemaking and monogamy, only that in the former there is more frustration. There is a fight between homosexual males about the energy exchange, in the same way as there is between heterosexual people who do not practice tantric sex. It just depletes them, and makes them frustrated and dissatisfied.

Tantric sex must be key for having any good sex at all. Then there is an energy exchange which benefits both of the participants. And two homosexuals practising tantric sex does not work.

After reading Osho's articles about homosexuality, I think that pursuing homosexual sex or homosexual romance will not satisfy or benefit me in any way.

There is not possible for me to gain anything from homosexual relationships, because I do not think homosexuals are able to sustain happiness in a monogamous relationship or any kind of homosexual sexual interaction.

And if a monogamous homosexual relationship where I am happy is not possible, then I do not want any homosexual sex or relationships at all.

Getting fucked by men makes me feel confused and stressed. Fucking guys either makes me resent them or gets me addicted to them and wanting to control them. It gives nothing good to me.

Also I do not think that happy monogamous heterosexual relationship exist. It is only a way of trying to own/control the other person, and somewhere along the line one of them will want to end it or become unhappy. If I look at all of my heterosexual friends who are in a relationship, they do not seem to be happy with their partner after the "falling in love" phase has faded.

I feel like the an Amish youth - you know when they leave their Amish community for some time, to experience the outside world, having sex and stuff, and then they come back to the Amish community, seeing that the outside world of sexual pleasures was not any satisfying at all.

It is not possible to experience romantic love. It is an illusion. Only I can give myself the love I need, that which comes from my heart.

I am a little afraid to have become awake to the realities of the world, because I see that is all about selfish energy exchange, and it is just as selfish as me.

So now I feel like that I have brough my self-realization even further down my chakras, and that I can live there with the realization that everything still is an reflection, because I see that me seeing myself as kind and loving, was just an shadow illusion.

None of us is kind and loving actually, the intention behind being like that is always to try to gain energy us self, to feel better. But it might be more creative to gain energy by being kind and loving, than grabbing the energy and making war.

I have given up on ever finding some human person to love me. I see that I am not able to love someone else either. Not even my dog. I only love him, because he gives me comfort. I only appreciate my friends, if they make me feel good - not because I love them. And so all is a reflection of this.

I have to start filling myself with love, and just focus on my life. Loving myself by filling myself with love from my heart, only serves me. And when it serves me, it usually serves others, and they might respond by being nice back, which results in an even better life experience for me.

So there is no love on the outside. The outside only responds to the love from the inside.

Now I just want to focus on having a tantric relationship with myself - I don't need any human lovers, at least not men. Osho writes that one can gradually become homosexual again.

If you guys have any comments or other views, you are welcome.


Edward

[edward]

The next last sentence was meant to be:
Osho writes that one can gradually become heterosexual again.

[edward]

I have noticed that I have usually fell for men who I unconsciously know will be unavailable some way or the other - but that again is the normal psychology of human romance.

Since my father was neither physically or emotionally available when I was little, and my mother denied me to have any contact with my father or the rest of his family after she divorced him, I did not have any regular contact with adult men when growing up.

The lack of any adult man to look up to, and having to sleep in the same room us my mother, far into puberty, and having to listen her masturbating and having orgasms while I was sleeping a few metres away in the same room, I grew a general sexual disgust for females.

A few hours after my initial post, my sister who I have not seen for many years came to my home, and told me that my father was waiting outside. I had not seen him for 20 years - since I was 10 years old.

It was nice to see him, and see that even though I have not seen him for 20 years, there was no doubt about who's son I am. He talks, behaves and has a charm, although much more cunning than me - in the same way as me.

I told him that he will have to spend time with me from now on, so that I will get to know him. I also told him that he will have to accept that I will ask questions about his behaviour with my mother, sister and me - and what was going through his mind when he abused my mother in front me. I also told him that after I have asked those questions, there will no more anger in me for him and that there will be only love.

I also met my three half-sisters and stepmother, and my uncle and aunt.  I feel proud that I am the only son my father has. And even though it's a dysfunctional family (but who has a perfectly well functioning family anyway?), I now know that I have a big family, a father, uncles, cousins, sisters, that live in the same city. I feel much more safer, and not alone anymore.

However, I am not sure if I want to keep any contact with him, because my senses tell me that has abused my sister sexually - and therefore I feel it that can be difficult for me to be with him.

If I look at the psychological problems my sister have, and the way my father behaves towards her, I have no doubt that he abused her sexually.

I have no anger towards my father or mother. I only feel disgusted by thinking about him abusing my sister, and about my mother's incestuous behaviour towards me.

I think maybe both me and my sister probably had our parents as kids in a former lifetime, and that we abused them sexually - therefore I can feel no anger - or feel that they have destroyed our lives. I feel that I have a great life, and I am happy.

My sister however is very angry and destructive, but one cannot expect otherwise when she has borderline disorder because of the abuse.

No humans can love each other. Fathers or mothers are not able to love their children. It's only about taking care of their own interests. And I have no problems with that - because regardless of how old or wise we become, or in whatever situation we are in, we are all just children trying to do the best to love our selves.

I do not  feel or expect that my father has any love for me. If he has interest in spending time with me, then it is only because it feeds his ego needs. And I will only spend time with him, if I feel that it can make me into a wiser man.

What surprise is that neither my father or my mother are interested or able to take care of my sister. I have no capacity of taking care of her because of her psychological problems, and because she ends up attacking anyone that is around her. I have told her that she can't stay with me, and that she can't expect that anyone will love her or take care of her. She has to start to love and take care of herself, because otherwise she will just piss people off, and then they chase her away because of her behaviour.

I do not feel that it is my responsability to demand that my mother or father, or anyone else in the family, take care of my sister. I am her brother and her family just like anyone else in our family.

Generally I feel that I my life is much better now, and I am not looking for love from anyone except myself.


Edward

[Mystress]

Hmm, many thoughts. Lots of wisdom in your post, some of a cynical sort. Sounds like you had some experiences of several FST lessons coming together at once, gnosis of meaning.

  Part of the purpose in getting and staying grounded is to get the energy you need, from source and opt out of the power game vamp wars... and then it gets easy to be kind and generous and its not bait on a hook for a victim power game to take it back later. 

  Energy isn't really about how much you have, it is about where you aim it.  What you focus on, grows, fed with the energy of your attention. Aim it right it comes back multiplied. Good or bad depending on what you feed. The refill is automatic. The choosing what to feed, is essential.

  Yes, in duality, love is conditional love. That is mostly what you get from other living beings.

  A few years back, I asked a friend to do a reading on my snake, who was very ill and later died. He said, she doesn't understand why you do not let her love in. I was dumbfounded. I loved her dearly but had never thought about her loving me. My friend kind of waved his arms and said "you don't let love in." I had never thought about that either, had to wrap my head around it, see what he was seeing and he was right, I mostly didn't... with very few exceptions. Had to trace the path back... going into the Light, age 2. Amazing mind blowing transcendent love and Goddess telling me I am Her child. Coming back, my first No. Birth of ego identity... the love of my mother did not measure up to the other Mother who had claimed me and I rejected her, emotionally. My whole family... still do not feel the ties of blood, at all. Maybe NDE breaks them.
  Growing up, oversensitive empathy... conditional love was always such a mixed bag of expectations, projections and need. Did not know how to filter so rejected it all. I am child of the Light and well loved, clung to a memory even though I had not a clue how to find Her again and did not recognize the small voice of truth that sometimes spoke within me was Her. I was trying to get back to the mind blowing place...

When I was a kid, people were always telling me, "stop acting like you think you are so special" and it confused me because I really didn't think I was, or at least thought... doesn't everybody think they are special, inside themselves? Why pick on me?

Can sure see it now though, rejecting all conditional love has got to be the ultimate aloof control strategy. Took me 40 years to figure it out... makes me shake my head at me. 
 

  I am not monogamous so I cannot speak to that, but absolutely sex can be amazing fulfilling blissful joyous fun. "Falling in love" is illusion, but love is real. Two half people trying to become whole through another does not work, you can only become complete through sacred marriage to the inner Beloved... but a relationship between two whole people is something different and you cannot find it until you are whole.

  My love for my druid keeps growing, but I am not and have never been "in love" with him. I have talked to him about that, he doesn't understand what "in love" means and never has, he simply loves.

I have no confusion between him and my DB and do not expect him to be that. I love and appreciate him for who he his, what he does, and if that is conditional I do not care. Sure we have roles, I am Mystress and he is my slave. I am Artist and he is my patron. I am priestess and he supports the temple. FST might not even exist if not for his supporting me all these years, and hes not even interested in my work really, has never read FST or my websites. A session with a professional hypnotist to see his future spouse long before we met, gave him a glimpse of a dark haired silhouette but what he remembered was a huge feeling of pride in her creativity. Patron husband to an artist wife, his vision... that she would also be Priestess and Mistress was more than he dared dream of.

Before I became a ProDom I did a Louise Hay video and "Wishcraft" by Barbara Sher, and realized what I didn't care about working for a living, my deepest hearts desire was to have the freedom to pursue my artistic calling for its own sake and no concerns about what would sell. I needed patrons, but didn't set out to find any... but it was a step on the road.

  Our relationship is for life, we tell each other of our love many times a day and its always sincere and wholehearted.  A few have tuned in on his love for me and it awes them, bigger than a mountain and as patient... other women get jealous of how he looks at me with such love, I am sure they would be amazed to know we are not "in love" with each other, we simply love each other massively and completely.

  It is an arranged marriage. Goddess brought him, told me care for this one with all the right signs including the look in his eyes... so I claimed him not really knowing him well and not expecting it would last. My rented home was sold, he was not my first choice of my slaves to camp out with for a few weeks before I went travelling for the winter,  being the most recent acquisition of 7 but he was the only one available.  Goddess kept pounding me with misfortunes and weeks slipped into months. A the back injury that turned me into a net geek making me literally unable to get in a car for several months of needing care. During that time, about 7 months after I had claimed him, the same earlier casual assumption of impermanence was giving the loud shaman NO signal, cold death creeps up the back of my neck big hint wrong idea do not even think about it. That is what it took for Goddess to get it through my thick resistant head that the arrangement with my druid was not temporary and for me to open my eyes and realize I did not want it to be, living with him was so good. That was early in 1997.

  Become whole in yourself, first... but don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Goddess made more than one of us so we can hug each other, and conditional love is the name of the game in duality and NDE studies suggest getting goof at it is the whole point of being here. The one question asked after the life review, "How well did you love" and you decide for yourself. 

  As a shy teenager it embarrassed me horribly how strangers would walk right up to me, trying to look me in the eyes making small talk about nothing with this feeling of *wanting* radiating from them. It upset me I did not know how to stop it or what to say to them or what they wanted. I learned to walk like someone in a hurry to be some place not to be interrupted, not looking anyone in the eye because if I did then zoooom they would be in my face.

  It still happens all the time but the difference is I know what they want now. My attention. My eyes on them for a moment or two, listening to what they say.  That's all.  What I say is irrelevant.

  When I go travelling I know it is good manners to have a gift for my host but I never knew what to bring. The trips are on a narrow budget and 20k luggage limits for a 5 week trip...  Last trip I worked it out. What people want, is my stuff. My sunglasses my scarves my jewelry, the shirt of my back... because it has my energy in it. Cool.

  So I buy clothes on trips and give away what I wear and end up with a new wardrobe at the end lol. Get cool bragging rights to less travelled friends lol. The other day someone commented on my outfit.. leather runners from gatwick airport, London, socks from a street market in Amsterdam, black linen bloomers from a little shop in rimini, Italy, handbag from a stop in Venice.

  Exchange of energy, is the gig. I get good deals when I barter generously with it. I get an amazing life. Make peace with it.

[M.J.]

So far in this course, I've learned different ways to connect with Goddess manifest within myself.  While I've received many blessings from following some of the routes, there is something big blocking my heart chakra from opening. Sorrow, anger, fear, and darkness there.  As a result, I do not love myself.  I am not whole.  My ego seeks love from others on the outside, at the same time feeling it does not deserve to be loved.  When I find the conditional human love on the outside, it causes mostly pain and distracts me from following Goddess will... like an addiction.

I went back to the Heart Voice lesson, but I am not getting an answer.  Perhaps I just need to keep trying, and be patient.  It is difficult for me to focus on the heart center, especially on the right side.  So much karma there, I guess. 

[Mystress]

 You can feel where the blockage is. Reach into yourself with spirit hands and pull it out. Hand it over to Goddess. Thank Her for taking it. Breathe deep. Think about something else so She can take it when you are not looking.

[robink]

Something which I find personally effective for self-love is getting a pillow, projecting your DB on it and hugging it!

[edward]

When it comes to romance and sex, I have noticed that treating people like dirt - or at least not showing them much interest, makes them more attracted to me.

You can say that this only applies to people with low self-esteem, but you can't argue with biology.

From a biological and psychological point of view, humans (or any other animal for that matter) are attracted to that which seems to have a higher status (better genes, alpha qualities, etc.). And the way you convey higher status is by basically by treating others as something that is not needed. That is what loving yourself means - putting your self first.

I have seen many of my female friends leave their "nice guy" boyfriends/husbands, for guys that treat them badly.
I have noticed that when I'm dating guys, and say that I'm not interested in anything serious or generally show disgust or a lack of interest, they want more, they want a relationship, they move in to my home, etc. But when I start showing them interest, they usually run away. Biology.

Females are generally attracted to me, because I show no sexual interest in them. However, if I start treating them nicely, attentive, putting themselves first, they usually start showing less and less interest, or treat me like dirt.

I also see that when I ignore people or treat them like they are of no importance, I get more respect. The "nice guy" mentality gets you nowhere.

We are generally attracted to that which we have to work for. We don't value that which comes easily. We value that which we have put time, effort and energy into.

The observations that I have made among several groups of friends,  is that nice guys don't get laid, get no dates or anything serious or they end up in a relationship where they get treated badly. Those bad boys however.... And nice girls usually only gets laid by someone who don't appreciate them, and then they get treated like dirt afterwards.

Guys are usually not attracted to females that makes themselves too easily available, because they instinctively place her in a lower value segment genetically. And vice versa.

People might say that they like someone who treats them with respect, is attentive, etc..... but observations tells something different. We might have ideas about how we want to be treated, but biology usually overrides that.

Even psychological experiments shows that both women and men function like this, and both in the same way - they both want that which they shows them less interest.

My dog usually ignore bitches who show interest in him. If the bitches show no interest or play hard to get, he's head over heels trying to copulate with them.

I have held several job interviews, during my career, and I have noticed that those who showed less interest in the job, seemed from the employers or the interviewers point of view, much more interesting. But this usually do not apply to low paying jobs.


Edward

[edward]

I'm not angry. I see myself more clearly now.

When I give out love to others, from a place where I love myself, I get love back.

My earlier behaviour of being nice and smiling, and in a way forcing people to love me back, is not effective. It has been up to now, because I am very grateful for every single thing in my life. And life has become something that I never had dreamed it could be. Even better.

Basically I see everything that is in myself. I don't know if this is the integration of more shadow stuff, or if it means descending more into the lower chakras..whatever.

So loving myself as a selfish critter is the key to accept the reflection, eh.

Since Goddess is all, then offcourse Goddess can not love herself anymore than she already does. It is constant, and always there. Inside.


Always coming back to Goddess inside myself, and residing in that.

I think I've found the replacement of hatha yoga, Russian style stretching. It feels like a much more masculine thing to do, more fit for modern men, and I don't risking stretching my ligaments and tendons as in hatha yoga. But it still gives this energy overload feeling afterwards.



Edward

[Duu]

Hi Ed,

I understood in short that you speak about effect of your ego strategy of how to be liked and how to gain more security trough sort of bribing others with being overly nice. That you saw as not working. I actually had a similar problem.

But your experience was like that because you had some ego structure that you used.
And because of strategy you used it could happen actually that you could attract more certain people or informations into your environment and repulse the others. So generalization based on your karmicaly conditioned observations are likely to reflect more you then the accurate external world.
So coming from a personal experience and thinking that it describes the world could be error, more data is required for that.
And I felt that maybe you are looking to create a new ego from what seems as truth, but is likely to be only a defense strategy. Even if in an opposite direction of action but still just an ego construct.

Im thinking that person attracts people that help him grow. So lets say some girl would feel that she lack security, and would not see her inner strength no matter what. I could imagine that to such girl abusive person could seem attractive.. and she would turn her nose up on gentle person. (and would attract abusive guys). Since she could see the abusiveness, hard to get as a sign of strength that she so desperately seeks.
But what is really weird that such abusive partner could be the best way ho to find and develop her inner strength. Like having the strength to dump him. Or just stop searching that outside of her.
But I think now that some people based on their ego structure desperately prefer some things and not other. Of course physical factors and pheromones and mind quirks all can come into this too.

However I think it is also that aloof, hard to get strategy simulates idea of strength for many people, because it pretends to show that people are balanced, happy and fulfilled from inside. Need or urgent neediness on other hand is a sign of dis-balance a sign of ego, sign that one could not find what he is seeking also inside.  That is weakness. And generally females have a nose for weakness. As many males too. But I doubt that pretending strength would get you very far and attract to you partners, friends or situations that would be best for you and bring you most joy.

I think Maslow hierarchy of needs that loosely corresponds to chakras is a good place to study it more. Because I think that we dont want things that are “hard to get” but we want things that bring us, survival, security, status or wathever is our need of the moment. Not really the physical need. Status is my favorite since it is so complex. And I believe almost every man is an alpha male in some way. I mean he will not be rich but maybe in his own community he will have status. Maybe just a common guy at work, but city famous and liked yoga teacher. So it is hard to say what actually is alpha status. Since what is commonly presented as such is just a joke. And certainly there is a girl that would prefer the status of a guy being a top yoga teacher way better than if he would be a rich bank boss . And maybe richness would be for her a non alpha behavior in a way. She would see rich guy as a poor victim of his own greed a poor and lost creature of god. So yes women are sensitive to status way too much, genes.
So some me and women try to pretend status without it being reality or based on what they think it is.  But leaves dissatisfaction inside and a neediness that is felt and it sabotages all effort.

As example to previous gold is hard to find and hard to mine. But If it would not mean status and security and ability to attract a lot of nice but not so smart females. Then nobody would be interested no matter how “hard it would be to get”.

If I can compare that with my situation, I gave myself cheaply away, as Mystress named it. I hoped that an action that will bring inner discomfort to me, so others can benefit will be deeply appreciated, and or as sort of bribe will bring me security and etc. It was not working, quite the opposite.
In fact all of that behavior pattern, that masqueraded as kindness, was simply ego and more! an clear expression of my dis-balance, insecurity and needenes. Other sensed that and misused the opportunity. Misused the action and body language honesty that spoke of the weakness. Well that was cruel, painful and expensive. So anger over my ego strategy surfaced there too... and it was correct I was naive, It was all true. I was needy and dis-balanced.. I did not see the strength in me. Not one bit of it.
So life, Goddess arranged it so that I simply invited them to treat me badly so I could learn.. and I did. In the end.

But dishonesty is not the answer. Even if one perceives strategy of others as better, one cant act other way that one really is and hope to be deeply fulfilled. Not to mention that perception of other lives or their feelings or motivations are likely to be partial and imprecise. And very complex.
Yes, other viewed my kindness as weakness, but there was in me the weakness present and so called kindness just tried to cover it. So it was not a real kindness anyway but ego strategy.

I think that Im kind the same as I was then, but I discovered love and strength in me.
And therefore the same kindness that produced failures is producing good and wonderful results. Outwardly it looks same, similar, but internally it is very different.
Sometimes my kindness is not returned and missused. But there is some real calm as my action nor reaction to that action is not in the end so important. And Im not feeling angry or emotional about that since the the need for the internal things, like security or status have been mostly satisfied and if not then they will be not looked for externally. Or not in the real way, needy way, maybe in some playful ways.
On one time I tried to use again the ascetic type of kindness but it spectacularly failed. Goddess watches, not that the action itself was wrong, but apparently part of it was the old strategy and thus action turned only to a good lesson.

I think lots here is about me, but hope you will disentangle it and find the interesting bits.

Love
Duu

[edward]

I don't think it has so much to do with "inner change and getting strength from the inside".

Humans will always have an ego structure, regardless of how "enlightened" they think they are or actually are.

It's about changing strategies that does not work, and replacing them with more effective ones.

The world is ruled by peoples ego's, and my ego is adapting to that.

Thinking one can live without an ego, is just a story from the ego trying to convince itself that is is not ego.

I think that the more egoless people think they are, and how they have changed from their egotistical ways, the more cunning their ego becomes as they proclamate of how their ego has changed.

It's a farce.



Edward

[Ernst]

In my opinion there will be always an ego but you have the free choice of whom you serve.

I made the experience that truth is a point of view - my truth (like there is never enough cheese on pizza  ) must be not yours - but there is reality. Depending on how much I am conscious of the immaculate reality of Goddess - I see the world differently.

Furthermore my digital (on/off, good/bad/worse) thinking I had to surrender - it does not work anymore - seems reality is more analog for me

have a wonderfull day

[edward]

Depending on how you define ego, I think you always end up serving your ego.

I do not limit the ego definition to only fears and limiting beliefs, but I define the ego to the witnessing ego consciousness we have, call it the observing or the silent ego.

Your ego might choose to follow chakra guidance, instead of the noise in the head, but the ego dynamic is the same - because the ego, now silent, has learned that it's wiser to follow the chakra guidance rather than the noise in the head.

And ego choose to follow that which it learns gives itself most pleasure. So you still serve ego.

You changed your god/bad thinking, but it seems to be replaced by the same dynamic: thinking is bad, no thinking is good. So ego choose to not to think. Same shit, different wrapping, but more pleasure.


Edward

[Duu]

Hi Ed,
This got long... again.
I think ego is karmicaly conditioned view of the world.
And also genes, nationality or so on are karma of a sort so our view is always karmicaly conditioned.
But what makes ego ego is our consciousness being immersed in that karmicaly conditioned mind construct and thinking it to be real. Which is obviously not.

But our experience of the world our suffering and emotions and our actions are limited by that, molded by that. And so in that view we really are sometimes forced to chose fear instead of love.
Because some choices already are present before our birth and so on..
So we take the limited views as totally real and that act accordingly and create stress and struggle that actually bring in karma to a more strong energy - emotion formation. And those formations are addictive.. or are self reinforcing, habits of imagined security.. Thus we come stuck in them.
We feel that the choice of fear is the only choice.. or we forget that it is a choice.

And being stuck is not because of ego. It has nothing to do with ego. I has all to do with believing it be real, the only reality that is. So thats why if you can stop believing in talk of your ego... then you are “free” of your ego. But to do that youll have to be free of fear first or you get scared away.
But that doesn't mean that your actions and view of the world will be entirely unconditioned.
But you will be calmer because you will know that is just life, just same karma playing trough.. flowing trough you like a river. Nothing special.. nothing bad, nothing good.. just life.

So in short my thinking is. View that world is ruled by egos is just an karmicaly conditioned ego view, nothing more. In fact world is not ruled by anything. World is just totally out of control

In order to be, anyone in control it must mean that his own existence would be free from impacts of his environment and that is simply not possible.
By the law of interdependent origination (buddhism) all thing are in motion because something else put them in motion and that was moved by something else and so on. And thats why the things nor beings do not have independent existence and are considered empty of the “self”.

So generally ego is empty. So this is a reason of calmness over it. For Buddhist at least.
A proof that the so called ruler does not rule anything, he doesn't rule even himself.
And that rally everything is handled. Because it cant be otherwise, even if we wanted.

You wish to accept your ego and be ok with it. It is correct, but Im thinking that is misses some base that I tried to show in this post. And thus it could be maybe interpreted more as an ego aloof, defence strategy of being fed up with spiritual ideas and going back to materialistic base .. out of fear. Am I wrong?

We are speaking that ego is limited world view and getting rid of attachment to ego broadens your view and choices. Or potential view as it removes ego natural unsuitable information filtering function. Thus only that pieces that are ok with ego structures gets in. Other get ignored or altered to fit in. So when you have the silent ego you have vast vast choices and you live in vast world. If you dont have that, than you live in small world and much of spiritual advice and beauty will be filtered out.. much of life. So thats why ego is not so fun, it shrinks life and most of the small life replaces with dead mind constructs. So we have no more touch to life and slowly starve and get to become beasts. Aggressive when hungry, for true life, love. Greedily stuffing our stomach whit substitutes of plastic and air in expensive wrappers. We steal tiniest half chewed morsel from our brother. Since we are so starved, only because of that we are in hell here. No person addicted to ego can ever see life. No person with ego ever saw that the door is not locked and abundance byenod measure is right here, all goodness, kindness, compassion.. All creativity, power, resources to create heaven on earth.

But to walk out takes courage.. since you will have fear that someone else will steal the half chewed morsel you have been so sharply watching to snatch. While you go for a minute to peak behind the door and check if this totally naïve fairy tale is by some twisted humor of god true...
You know what Im speaking of right?
I have been there and is all true.

Love
Duu

[Mystress]

Depending on how you define ego, I think you always end up serving your ego.

I do not limit the ego definition to only fears and limiting beliefs, but I define the ego to the witnessing ego consciousness we have, call it the observing or the silent ego.
Edward

  I think your ego would rather try to reinvent the wheel with new definitions for itself, than surrender.  Witness is Witness and ego is ego. If you think Witness is ego then you are not in Witness.

  Spiritual information of Witness gets translated into what your present consciousness can understand... information would not be useful otherwise but the limits of what your head can understand, are not the limits of the Witness.

  If you are translating Witness into what your ego wants to hear, then you have missed the point. Witness info can be painful and hard to face, even though it comes from an unconditional, not judging place.

  Soul spark to third eye is not the same as witness, not even the same chakra.  It is embodied, self referential and active. Witness wont tell you what to do with a situation, how to resolve... it will show with crystal clarity, what Is and in Witness there is no "I".

  Soul spark to third eye will show more your personal shadow content (if you look for it) and it will provide steps to resolution that benefit everyone, if you look long enough to get the whole picture.  Third eye can look through time and space but it is embodied, and the body has an instinct to look out for itself that is independent of ego.

  Goddess is selfless and would give away everything because there is no "I" ... but in duality there is no free lunch but always barter or exchange.  Ego is fear based and plays win/lose games. 

  The body, wants everybody to be happy with the deal, it looks for the win/win .. its a different balance.  Enlightened self interest wants both parties to be satisfied or the body does not feel good about it.

  I think you have confused third eye with Witness, and body mind with ego to come up with this.... Questionable theory.

    How many times have you done that, Ed?  Taken something I teach and tried to "improve it" only to discover it is just broken, does not work? Sometimes makes me wonder, why are you here? To study FST or some other course you are making up in your head as you go along?

  All these strategies to manipulate how people respond to you. Here is a weird idea... ever try just being yourself? Not projecting anything?

  How scary is that? 

[edward]

Hello Mystress,

I think maybe the confusion is related to heart voice.

In the workshop in Finland, you cleared my heart chakra, and you said that there would not be any more entities left in the heart chakra and that it would be entity free after that.

I tested the heart voice today with asking it what colour a bit of paper was marked with, that I had picked blindfolded amongst other color marked papers. But the voice and the physical sensation gave wrong answers.

I have been following my heart voice, and it has guided most of my actions since the workshop. But now, after this test it seems to be faulty.

Please explain what has happened.


Edward

[edward]

It makes me wonder if I'm the only one who has a non functioning heart voice?

Are there anyone here who has a heart voice that is able to tell the color of the next card in a deck of cards? I guess that's the only  way of finding out if the heart voice is only make belief or real?

Suddenly finding out that I have been guided by a imaginary and not real heart voice makes me feel very confused and lonely. And no wonder that I have felt confused for many years now.

Edward

[Duu]

Hi Edward

When working with an ego entanglement.. mind cant help as it is itself entangled. Or even controlled  by ego in many levels. So what instrument of navigating in our life we have except the mind?
Well lucky for us we have intuitive navigation. So if mind is so entangled that it cant help us very much or even silently lead us astray. Maybe up to a point I would say that one really has not much chance to clear ego and progress on spiritual path with mind as only navigation.

So mind can be unreliable and counter productive until a point I think, that it really cant do the job.
If mind is of no help because of ego entanglement and Intuition can work without it.
So then logically in spiritual way and challenging ego, intuition is guaranteed to do better than mind. For purely this reason alone.



Maybe the part that the intuition is outside of egos control makes the ego nervous.
And it tries to measure it, evaluate it, to fit it to a box.. but it cant. And if ego cant measure it, it cant control it. So unmesurable intuition,  that makes ego realy freak out is good. Ego wishes security, predictability a tool that it can use for itself. But not so intuition, it cant, its Godess gift.  It is a skill that will not bow to ego, and so even the slight intuition skill is a blessing.
So there is no problem with heart voice only problem is with ego.
Ofcourse you have good intuition ability, you can feel when grounded, feel the energies, feel, see karma and can surrender. Isnt this true?
So why to indulge your ego search for security by measuring intuition? Why the hell would you want to have your ego feel secure and in that way in control? Control and surrender dont mix well mostly because surrender is no control. Thus we see then that all ideas of control are ego.


Love
Duu

[Sigmund]

Even though mind can be the way out of mind, things are easier when we use a variety of ways as we make our way.   Grounding, breath, body, intuition, discernment and surrender and devotion are ways I like to use.   

The way to the heart voice is through the body and breath.  The body has instincts independent of ego.  Breath brings you back to the body.  Then, it's just a matter of balancing the solar plexus and heart.  I get that you would benefit by releasing the energy in your solar plexus.  The rate and duration is up to you.  The other energy centers will adjust so that you know it, or not. 

That type of blindfold test, Edward, covers your heart so it makes sense that you got wrong answers. 

“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant.  We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”  - Albert Einstein.

To the degree we give play to our intuition and we drive as the road shows us, we can meet and integrate the parts of ourselves that are ready.   Among the results are integrating the extremes, creating more balance and developing a secure ego. 

[edward]

Hello Duu,

(...)
So why to indulge your ego search for security by measuring intuition? 
(...)

You will find the answer to your question in the quote below.

 (...) Be sure to test it well! Try a deck of cards, ask if the next card is red or black suit.

Are there anyone here that has tested their heart voice in the way described above?

If not, how do you know if the heart voice is divine guidance or just a part of your ego responding?


With love and blessings,
Edward

[Duu]

Hi Edward,

Yes reading cards is  a good exercise. But to read the cards and then close the exercise is for me a only a surface attempt. When doing such exercise follow all what is inside of you, focus there.
And maybe you will find, expectations, insecurity, or ego arising.
So no matter how well you read the cards you can be helped by the exercise.

Than you calm some more and think a bit about intuition as a whole.
Maybe you start asking what is the role of intuition in your life?
What is the heart voice actually? Why it is there? Why to use it?
Fear, unpredictability... and knowing that you are entering the unknown that will stay unknown.
So generally this is good exercise but heart voice is never the problem ego is the problem.

So it is good to have exercise to improve intuition. But for me such exercises are about focusing inward and finding the ego, the noise, karma blocks. As they are blocking the intuition.
So such exercise is for me very multifaceted and If I find an ego piece I consider it a success.
I for myself would use such exercise to enter deeper to me to know me. And for one I would know that the ego doesnt want to listen to the heart voice and would try to discourage me.
So when I would open cards get incorrect reading and put them away that for me would not even be a start of the exercise. In fact I would consider it a failed exercise since I got sidetracked by looking outside and not looked inside of me, so no progress could ever occur.
Maybe you could try the exercise again but with more inquisitive focus on inside.
There will be sucess. But maybe not the one expected.

Love
Duu

[edward]

Hello Sigmund,

That type of blindfold test, Edward, covers your heart so it makes sense that you got wrong answers. 

I dont understand your sentence. Are you saying that these types of tests will not work? If so, then why did Mystress tell me to test the heart voice?

Edward

[Sigmund]

Got me, Edward.  She knows better than  I do.  I'm just passing on what I felt.

[Mystress]

Hello Sigmund,

That type of blindfold test, Edward, covers your heart so it makes sense that you got wrong answers.

I dont understand your sentence. Are you saying that these types of tests will not work? If so, then why did Mystress tell me to test the heart voice?

Edward

  Tired of being misquoted, Ed. You are trying to play a victim game here with me and with your heart instead of looking within.

   I never said anything about "testing" the heart voice with card reading. I said it was useful for *practicing* your discernment. For sure it is! Use it, to test *yourself!*

  Very challenging because it is so black&white (black&red!) that people tend to get self conscious and ungrounded... and I bet you were too, to even think of using it like that. For sure takes discipline and detachment to get good results.

   I would be amazed if anybody got a score over 70% accurate with the card colour test, which is only 20% above basic 50/50 odds of getting it right.

  ( For those not at the chat, the suggestion was to *practice* your discernment using a regular deck of playing cards, trying to feel if the next card is red or black by making a statement one way or the other and feeling if it is true. Its actually a variation of a basic cold reading ESP test dating back to Victorian times, maybe older... gypsy tarot training? Getting above average wrong is also a confirmation, that you are psychic and scared to validate it.

  Scientifically, it was replaced by rhine cards.)

Research: http://www.google.ca/#hl=en&sclient=psy-ab&q=rhine%2Bcards%2Besp&oq=rhine+cards&gs_l=hp.1.1.0j0i30j0i5i30l2.0.0.1.12199.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0..0.0...0.0...1c.xa288wSkS1M&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.&fp=a83a7943b4a3c3da&biw=1004&bih=561 

  Regarding the workshop: I do not remember everything said in trance when channelling, we have talked about that before. I accept it is possible I said that. However I find it quite unlikely.  Does not sound like me at all.  I do not make those sorts of promises, I do not pretend to control fate like that...  especially as I could feel we had not gotten all the entities out of everybody, but we had already gone overtime with it and we had to move on.

   What does sound like me, is the same as it says at the top of every web page the entity clearing is on, and the disclaimer for the invocation of the Angels at the end of a workshop entity clearing:

IF and I do mean IF you have *total faith* in your guardian angels to keep you free of entities, then ask them to do that, and they will. We asked them to. I usually go on to say nobody has that sort of faith so keep practicing your energy hygiene.

  Everybody in the workshop got a little printed book with that same information, too. The class was half FST students, all knew about K teacher and everybody got the little workshop book. 

  How many times have you read the entity clearing lesson?  How did you manage to erase the disclaimer about the need for unbroken faith, from your head in favour of an unreasonable promise I do not think I made? 

  Time constraints on live training, some stuff gets dropped... in Prague the entity clearing itself had to be skipped, translation was cool but everything took twice as long to teach, and with the language barrier such complicated interactive work was simply impossible.  For sure I did not like teaching heart opening without entity clearing, but I had to give my fear up to Goddess and hope they read the booklet. The Finland workshop was half FST students, and they all knew about K-teacher. They had the written word for reference, online and in print, and reading it has no time constraints.

  I know the fin FST group has continued to meet regularly since the workshop and they have continued to do entity clearings so obviously what they heard is not what you heard... we can ask them if you want. Duu was there, so was Mari and jaakko and martin.

  Tuomas might even have it on videotape.  You want to call him up and look for the evidence?

  Has your faith in your guardian angels been perfect and unbroken since the workshop? Did you maybe have some moments of fear or a fall from grace where it may have failed you? You asked what happened...

  If you are determined to find fault with FST, then sure you can find errors. Many of the pages have never been spell checked, some pages are missing parts, most of the off site links do not work, the videos are archaic format, and Solomon is son of David not dad. FST was never finished! I had a business partner pushing me to open so it opened, otherwise it would probably still sit unpublished for being imperfect just like all my books are unpublished.

  The important question is, Ed, why do you create this sort of drama for yourself? What is the hidden benefit you gain from it? If you think your heart has entities then clean them out so you can trust it again. Drama not necessary.

  I remember with the previous: when I taught soul spark to third eye in chat, you asked if it was the same as witness, I said it was similar... not the same.  Told you ask your heart expecting it would give insights into a structure that would take me too many words to define in a chat.  Some people did get insights.  You flat out contradicted me, reported that your heart said they were the same.  I had a thought, there is Ed, ungrounded again and reaching for the shortcut... fast food spirituality, get your enlightenment at burger king, believe two whoppers for 3.99.

  As a yoga teacher, would you choose to spend the next 10 minutes arguing with the ungrounded guy who has already discarded what you said and made the unconscious decision to believe what his ego wants to believe, while everybody else waits, or would you turn your attention back to the other sincere students who respect the class enough to be grounded for it, and are ready to listen?

All of your invented shortcuts are the same:

  Misinterpret the meaning of the Mirror of All so you can skip the painful messy shadow work and keep on projecting.
  Change the micro cleansing to an out of body macro cleansing because the micro cleansing takes a lot of focus and months to be completed and you don't want to be bothered with all that work.
  Pretend the ego is the same as Goddess so you can skip real growing and continue to feed it.
  Pretend that soul spark to 3rd eye is the same as witness because true witness is hard and soul spark is easy.
  Pretend that once you asked the Guardian angels to handle it, you are home free and can skip any entity related energy hygiene forever.
  Postpone understanding the basic spiritual principle "what you put out comes back multiplied" for 6+ years so you can keep playing victim and pretend you are not the root cause of how you think people treat you. You just figured out that if you act from love, people are kind? Where have you been all this time?

  Do you remember the time you posted two lines and said it was your grad essay? Way to let everybody know that your approach to FST is frivolous and disrespectful. That same careless attitude as all these shortcuts that lead you astray.  It isn't about FST, it is your attitude about yourself that buys into mis-translations of selective hearing. Shadow stuff of insecurity- lack of self love.

   I have tried to be generous wondering, is there something in your mind that does not work right, messes with your understanding ... some social disability I am not qualified to diagnose like I have encountered in other students who persistently get things backwards,  but I don't think so.  Just big ego. You believe what you want to believe and most of those beliefs are about looking for the fast food lane even if it poisons you.

  I accept people all learn at their own pace, that is part of why I don't delete expired memberships. I don't want to bitch at you, just trying to point out the pattern here. You choose to believe what you want to believe, and then you try to come back at me saying FST is wrong. Throwing darts.

  It is not about me, it is not about FST, it is what I have said it to you before. Low self esteem, you look for the shortcuts even if they are wrong, because you don't think you are worth the effort of the real deal. I do not have a magic wand to wave to give you self esteem, it has to be home grown. You have to dig in the mud of your own backyard to work out why you think you are a worthless waste of time.  I don't think that about you, nobody does but that is the reflection of your approach to FST.

  There are two big disclaimers on this course. One is legal: according to Canadian law this school is classified as "entertainment."  Not healing, not therapy, not counselling or guidance.  All psychic services and spiritual training is entertainment, unless its a church.  It also says I cannot control how well you understand what I write... I wont take the blame if you misunderstand and cause damage because that is beyond my control. Free Will is Goddess law and I cannot be responsible for what goes on in other people's heads.

   Communication at the best of times is like that far side cartoon about what we say to dogs and what they hear. The reason the course works as well as it does for most people is not about the words, it is about the energy and an invisible magical backend that surprises the lineage when they begin to get glimpses of its strange machinery and it is invisible to everybody else. Don't even try, students have no access and you will just get a sidetrack fantasy.

   It says  that the course is not for crazy people.  The latter is enforced selectively or the place would be empty... because everybody's go something... and lets face it, people who are completely thrilled with themselves just as they are, do not seek self improvement.  Beyond that, its varying and subjective degrees of misery and loneliness, that moves people to seek the love of Goddess to comfort them.

   Does that make it ok to spew their misery *at* me? No. Give them to Goddess. I told you before, being a dartboard for my students karmic issues is not my gig. Safeword. I got my own kind of crazy too and its got a label, oppositional defiance and it makes me a bad dartboard, one with fangs and Shaman perceptions that can do chainsaw massacre on egos. I do not like when it gets the better of me even knowing that the spewing usually heals the issues in the recipient. 

  The second disclaimer is from the heart, and it is the Osho quote at the bottom of the members index. A quote from a Guru to show I am not one... I want to teach people to become self reliant and discerning.

  Your ancestral religion is based in Guru worship, and the old stuff holds sway even if our conscious choices are different. Its guru devotion, hang onto one thing you think I said and ignore the contradiction written everywhere else the topic is mentioned. Guru worship is laziness, tithe to the Guru to handle your karma, and go about living your life.  Ok for those who want that, but FST is not it. Got to paddle your own canoe here, process your own stuff and get the jewels of self knowledge for your own treasure chest.   

  I have alternately cultivated and discouraged the "cult of personality" that focuses on the teacher not the teachings. For sure in my artist days it was about getting my name out there but K teacher pages did not bear my name for most of a decade, to let the work stand on its own. The artist is interested in peoples relationship with the art.

   Still, I can recognise that some FST students do not come for FST, they come for me.  Its not about learning so much as about catching the teacher's eye, getting attention feeling the charisma.

  To their credit, some of those people are the most devoted long time supporters and I thank Goddess for them (and some turn into persistent stalkers) but for me FST is about the work.  Your approach to the work is inventive, selective and maybe FST for you isn't about that, its about your attachment to me.

  Trying to break that attachment by finding fault with me, the kill the buddha on the road thing, I understand it on an intellectual level but on the personal level... its not about me, stop aiming your dissatisfaction at me. Look at your own choices, own your power.

[edward]

Hello Mystress,

In retrospect, I see that you are right and that I am wrong.

It is my big fat ego that chooses shortcuts, which are shortcuts that only leads to hell.

I'm wondering, as soon as I start doing hatha yoga, I become like a sponge, and now I only do 10 minutes of micro cleansing after and before sleep to not get sponge like again.

Has me skipping the lessons and doing macro cleansing damaged me permanently?

Is there anything I can do to restore myself into balance again?


Edward