Re: More Anger.. and how it affected me.

[Tommy]

I am not sure you will ever set foot in this tearoom again and read this Jen? What a shame..

because you triggered a post that set me free from something that have been messing me up my entire life.. so for what it is worth i am gratefull that you assisted me in finding the door. Thanks Jen!

And Mystress..

Where to start..

I have also been out of line.. no matter how pure my intentions seemed. I have wanted to apologize.. but my heart and soul would not let me off that easy.

You told me once that you would rather see me change my behavior than saying i was sorry.. you told me this in a way so that i could not forget nor escape it. (i was very fragile and sensitive despite my illusions of being.. more) I have not dared to come close.. not dared to ask for forgiveness.. because it has not been possible to carry any judgement beyond myself. One more strike and i was out.. at least so it felt. (not from the course.. more like from the universe)

But the standard you set was too high for me at the time. My ego and my shadow went out of their way to give me easier alternatives to deal with this.. but none of them where true. The pain from the whack you gave me cribbled my already disfigured sense of self. My ego couldn't find any good excuses since then that i could wholeheartedly believe in.. yikes! My shadow buffed up for war.. but in vane.. for my spirit already surrendered.

Now i know what my shadow is.

Now i know my ego.

Now i know my responsibility.

Now i know my birthright.

Now i know the freedom that was always there for me.

Now i know where it all starts.

But tonight dear Mystress i met you for the first time.. and this night i will never forget!

Because for many hours layer after layer melted away.. for the first time i fully understood the uselessness of willpower. Understood how it will always keep reality at a safe distance.. leaving room for my shadow and ego to grow.

After maybe for hours of absolutely no effort in growing on "my" part the moment got me. It was all here. Right here.. and it always was! yet i felt no shame of not getting this sooner.. because how could i.. how can anyone fully grasp the mystery of our divine mother? How can words ever lead to this?
All parts of me saw each other.. and despite differences no judgement where cast. how to judge something so divine. I believe i am finally finished bitching about how you stole my free will Goddess! I saw my own Leela.

You where everywhere Goddess, inside and outside.. yet i could not point at you.. nor describe you.. only cry mad tears of joy/love/whatever and try to .. well be? while all that you are presented itself.

How to share?

But this was not all..

Because you came Mystress! And i have missed you so my beloved friend!

When i saw you i was afraid i had hurt you once more.. this i cannot bare! I was afraid my shadow had been harassing you in my unconscious.. i had told Goddess that this must never happen.. my death must come first! But not sure i had managed good enough.

But you looked at me Mystress and i crumbled.. because you are so beautifully.. and what you have done for me i still too much to take in.

You stood there in all your glory!

I wanted to bow but you wouldn't let me..  you wouldn't let me! (crying again)

My "manly" nature made me aware of your breasts.. i was ashamed of bringing this into this holy experience.. but you let your dress fall down, i understood that this was not lesser sexuality.. when you nurtured me in your divine bosom. Here i refund my straight. I looked up to see if there was any judgement in your eyes.. and boy i wish i didn't have (*G*) because from the Dept's of your soul trough the beauty of your eyes a flood came.. tears was running down your cheeks. I asked what this was.. tears of approval?.. tears of forgiveness?.. tears of joy? I no longer felt like a stupid boy.. nor did this straight make my male ego go into some hero trip.. i just felt whole.

Your smile blew me away.. but not as much as your words: taste them and find out you smiled..

I drank from your cheeks.. these radiant mystical drops of i know not? The moment meant so much to me.. so many grudges i held against myself melted away.

Nothing have ever been more familiar.. and more elusive at the same time, i just could not tell you what these tears  tasted like to save my life!

You gave me the answer.. and it all made sense

Because these tears come from my divine mother, they are the essence of life. Their taste cannot be defined into a form,they will always elude.. it is their nature.. this is the fuel of the universe. And something undefined will always be new.. only form suffer from duality of come and go.. beginning and end.

You told me to do the same when i grow.. not judged.. cause it starts the shadow thing.

You told me these tears was a gift from my divine mother.. that they could never be manipulated. And i could use this experience to grow gracefully.

Because if i taste my karma with the same sincerity as i tasted your tears.. it would bring me beyond my karma, beyond my will and beyond my intentions and reveal what is. Because all i ever needed to do was to take in a little bit, taste it.. then divine alchemy sets in. I have been trying to change into positive, destroy, own, claim and pretty much every possible tool of escape from within my illusion. But only one thing works. You tough me this game you called wheel of fortune.. showed me the rules.. Now all i need is practice and time.. thanks!

You illustrated how i had made less of most of the gems you gave me.. fx the entity clearing. i have used it as a magical formula.. it has cleared many things from the lower chakras, but it´s depper meaning eluded me.. lol it was not a divine law i could use as one uses crosses to scare of vampires.. it was a way to show me how to spend positive time with myself.. and to examine my powerlessness, illness and karma.. in a few easy steps..

Who are you? taste like the tears

What are you? taste like the tears

Why are you here? taste like tears

Etc.

Examine and get a sense of the issue..

I do not call in the archangels in the end as an act of powerlessness, you showed me that the archangels are not separate from me.. but they are archetype reminders of my true divine nature.. and my eternal divine standards to aspire to. So i allign myself with this.. do my best and send it to Goddess.. she checks without judgement. Send it all back if i just copied the answer from a book or whatever.. and she will always do until i am ready to leave what is less behind for good.

I have been so blind. But please do not judged, i have had to come back from the dead.. and dig myself out from the deepest hell. Willpower was all i had.. i thought.

But i see now that i had much much more than that!

Because i had a teachers who would not feed me lies.. rather see me starve to death.

And for this Mystress.. i was given much more than my stupid attachments and the life i was begging for.

But i have a history of trying to skip ahead and be more.. if this is the case again now.. i hope you still have enough love and patience for me to once again set me straight. Because my death must always come first Goddess! Even if it kills me. When you told about the loss of a close one being part of the path i "laughed".. because when i gave myself to Goddess i cared only for myself.. therefore my loss became the loss of my self, and the death of my self. But well.. one sleeps as one makes the bed right? For this i will never apologize.. because.. well Goddess told me i shouldn't. But i must grow to understand.

But Mystress.. you are some piece of work.. how dare you stand naked in front of a monster like me?!

How dare you disarm me like that?!

wow you are beautifully!

Thanks babe! Really..

Thanks you Goddess.

I have been silent in this room for many years, i have tried to come to this point for long. I have thought i was already there many times.. but when i then enter and starts writing in order to glorify myself.. silence washes over me..

But i have been here, and appreciated the sharing that takes place.

But I will not raise my arms and claim to be anything..

Because despite the beauty of this experience Mystress, i have had a hell of a time to erase the image of your breast and your touch.. and not to fall completely in love with you.. and with your form! because.. wow.

But you disarmed me.. it had an impact.

But now i also know my next divine task.

To honor all life as i honered you tonight..

If i at some point on any level turns this into some astral rape indulgent.. i stand by my choice.. my death must always come first. Bring out the big guns.. no matter what altitude i might fall from.

Sincerely
Your friend (not into SM and slavery.. sorry *s*)
Tommy

If any karma or similar shit managed to slip by me and into this message do not worry.. Goddess has me handled. But if some really nasty shit sneaked in.. maybe overshadowing Jen or stealing attention and this thread.. please whack away! I need to learn this! For the love of life and my fellow men.

So Dear mystress.. can you accept this change? is it real enough to let the past be past?

Because your friendship matters!

And your time matters.. and i do not wish to steal anything from you.. but.. when i do not know the lines in the sand i do not always know what is mine or yours.

But i did hear you Mystress!

And i do love you Mystress!

And i respect you Mystress!

And you Goddess.. yeah, i see that i was fully yours from the moment we met.

*~

[Mystress]

  Tommy:

   I hope you don't mind that I moved your post to a separate topic... its just kinda.. bigger than the other stuff.  Reading it sent many waves of pleasant goosebumps up and down my body...  I am happy for your growing!  So beautiful!

    I really dont know how to respond to this, not even sure I understand it all so I'll just type and see what comes.

   My memory of an email whacking you, some years ago is extremely vague.  I know there was one, now that you reminded me and I don't think you responded warmly... but I don't remember what motivated it or what it was about.  I could probably search my email archives and find it but really, its old news to me. 

   I recall some years go I put out a call for volunteer helpers and asked for those who were only curious to see backstage but not actually planning to help out,  to *not* join the helper list... you did anyway.  I thought that was a little, hmm.. but I don't think I ever did anything about it. Certainly nothing worth spewing about...

  Ya know, they say to forgive and forget but since in order to forgive you have to believe you have been harmed, and I am usually to stubborn to admit victimhood...  Todays posts indicate I go straight to the forgetting part. LOL!!
 
   A week ago I was moved to look at my server statistics, something I very rarely do but I wanted to find out when someone in particular had visited last.  (July... sighs and shakes her head at the impossibility of helping someone who will not help themselves)

   Saw your name there, it surprised me to know you were still around. Nice. You were never in any danger of being thrown out of FST. Dunno what that is about. 

   I admit, on first reading I was a little uncomfortable... my spiritual self did what??  uhh,...

      Even as a pro-Dom I was not having sex with my clients... some things are not for sale.  I put very few constraints on what my spiritual self (Guru self eek) gets up to, but no sex with the seekers is one, my professional boundaries extend to all levels  because of how it ripples down into the now and I am the one who has to deal with the emotional messes that come of that sort of interaction.  Not you specifically, just in general.  However I am a nudist and something of an exhibitionist. Being seen naked is not a huge issue for me so it makes sense she would do that in service to someones higher good while still respecting my limit.

I just lifted my shirt and flashed my boobs at my hubby, asked him "are you more enlightened now?" he grinned and said "yes Mystress."  ok.  All this time I thought it was the energy that does it  lol... 

   I turned 45 this week, and was thinking of the campfire song.. "the old grey mare she ain't what she used to be." 

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=sJ5DjJFCEXI

  I am flattered.  The 38 DD boobies are headed for my knees... In public I usually wear a very sturdy bra that flattens them against my body or hoists them up under my chin. Sort of hard to think of myself as a sex symbol these days... except in second life where a boob lift is just a matter of setting the slider to less gravity.

    When I look for my involvement in your experience I get a tiny fragment of a half remembered thought on the edge of sleep... Getting a glimpse of *something* that seemed a little inapropos for my limits and going "what???"   My inner voice making some comment about "dance naked" which is my metaphor for my efforts to be emotionally honest in my writing... so, I shrugged and went to sleep.   

    When people thank me for stuff like this I find myself, sort of looking around wondering who they are speaking to... what? who? me?  uh.... Goddess did it!!  Dont shoot the messenger! 

   Angel means messenger.  Angelique I guess means, sort of like a messenger but I think claiming to be the voice of Goddess for other people is a dumb idea.  Yes I do it anyway sometimes because that is the use She makes of me,  but I still think it is a dumb idea.

   Yeah, I am sort of like that with a lot of stuff. I may think something is a dumb idea but will do it anyway if my gut tells me it is dharma.   Tarot card of the fool.

  To write this course I drew on a lot of things from my own expeirence, some stuff from books I had read and validated what works... but many of the elements of it came from my experiences teaching my slaves and lovers. You could say, the rules of professional boundaries were quite different before FST became public.

   Before  the course opened I had been getting flack from people for sooo  many years regarding my sexual orientation. People saying I was just a pretty face using sex to sell.  Sell what? was never clear as I was actually unemployed, at the time.   Their prejudices were painful though, the focus on my sexuality overshadowing my spiritual work. 

    I got so fed up with it, I went off in another direction.  For the first years it was live, Kundalini-teacher.com did not have my name or photo anywhere on it, except where necessary on the paypal payment page.  Let my work stand on its own, speak for itself.  In that time quite a few of my detractors responded to the site with admiration, not knowing it was mine...  To be able to write back and say "Good to hear from you, thanks for the kind words. Glad you liked the site. Funny, I did think you were a fan of my work?? "
   ... was one of those, very tasty dishes best served cold and in bite sized morsels.     mmmmmmmmm

   My own success is the best revenge. So many of those people disappeared off the web or fell by the wayside but I'm till here doing what it is I do... whatever that is.  Stuff I don't even know about, often... lol.

   When I became a professional spiritual teacher, abiding by traditional professional boundaries was just obviously right. Emotional safety all round.  Sometimes a little voice in me would whisper "the rules are different for a tantric priestess!" and I would assume it was my shadow talking and think yeah, great excuse for abuse... didn't listen.  Lately though, I have been wondering if I got it wrong.. maybe it was my heart whispering and my denial was ego... Scares me.
 
   Happy for your growing, Tommy. Goddess did it! Blessings...