Emptiness and pain

[edward]

For the past two-three months ago I discovered pain in the body. I dont know if its the power chakra, or if its something emotional. There is a deep grief, or sadness, I feel, underlying everything.

I dont know if I focus to much on the inside or to much on the grounding. When I focus on my feet
I sometimes get very physically bad, like wanna throw up.

There seems to be nowhere to go or to achieve anything, anymore. Life has lost its spark.

I just came home back to Norway, broke, without a job, heart-broken and everything feels so grey and boring and Im mostly lying apathic on the sofa trying to find out how to reduce the twitching
feeling in the upper body area and the stomach.

Is it something that Im doing wrong, or is this just one of those phases, only a very long one?

yeah, and I wanna cry all the time.


Edward

[Sigmund]

Hello, Edward.  Have you had yourself checked physically?  Always pays to start there, you know.   Do you like where you live?  ... next level up.   Are you socially active to any degree?  To what degree are you tied up in having a job? 

In any case, I concur about the pain you feel in your stomach.  That's where we hold worry.  The grief abides for the most part as part of the bigger picture and is secondary to the worry that's more immediately present from what I see.  The energy is looping back and forth between them, your anger, resentment and fear and your power center.   They're amplified by the intensity of the power center and your power center is sending your negatively charged emotions into your body.   No wonder you're crying.  You're beating yourself up, putting your power into your emotions and vice versa.   What you're putting into the world is manifesting for you.  Something you can't stomach, perhaps?  Surrender it all up to Goddess to take and use .... 

I tap my fingers gently over the area for a time and release worry.   Works great.  Repeat at will.  Combining it with belly breathing helps, too.   As you release those emotions, they transmute you and you transmute the world.

Ordinarily you can't focus too much on the grounding.  You fill and move on.  Then, return at will.   As far as your feet go,  are you focusing there as you ground instead of seeing yourself wrapped around your grounding cord and seeing where it's attached to?  That could be part of the (or a separate) problem. 

There is nowhere to go or anything to achieve anymore.  It's easy to lose sight of us being all that is and the knowledge that we're being taken care of.  It's common, especially during tough times, to see things as something negative, giving them a negative tone that they doesn't have of themselves and reacting against that.  Taking things out on ourselves when, in fact, the opposite is true.  All energy is good energy. 

There are many points along the sacrum and the head that, through gentle massage using the pressure equal to the weight of a small coin, bring peace.  Around the plates of the head, at the base of the head, at the top of the neck, ....   You're in a vicious cycle between your emotions and your situation.  Your suffering is manifesting in the world for you and vice versa.   

You use up a good deal of your spark in these battles.  I'm not surprised it's staying out of the way.  Run grounding energy through and into it to recharge it.  Plus, it'll return more to life as you do things you like. 

[edward]

I checked the sensations in the stomach with my doctor  7 months ago, it feels like needles sometimes, but the doctor said it might be high acidity level in the stomach,  but my conclusion is, after testing, that these sensations are the power chakra or some other message from the body.

When these sensations started I somehow figured out that whenever I visualized a symbol (two white lines shaped as waves), then the pain went away for a few minutes.

When I was Pai in northern Thailand I tattoed this symbol on my left leg, I don't know why I did, maybe I hoped that I then don't have to focus on this symbol anymore to make the pain go away. I also tattoed my right underarm and my right leg, after smoking loads of opium. After getting the tattos I was just sitting and watching my body for 9 hours. The tattos actually made me more aware of my body, of my legs, arms etc. 

The pain didn’t go away, but I stopped visualizing any symbols, and instead continue to focus on my breath, and let the pain in the body just be.

I've also lost touch with the heart voice. There has never been a voice actually, just thoughts from the ego and sensation in the heart chakra area. I tried to do maybe 200 entity clearings, but still there was negative voices from the mind. I noticed that every negative voice is connected to pain in the body,  so to try to control the mind, to try to remove or silent the voices, is no good. Instead I felt the pain in the body, and the heaviness of breathing, whenever a negative voice or thought occured. Now, today, the negative voices and
thoughts are limited to almost nothing. Its actually pretty silent sometimes.

In Laos I realized that the body basically moves by itself, and even my speech can be taken over by my spirit. Like a flute, the flute only has to be the flute, and then the wind flows through it, and out comes the melody.
This happens when totally surrendered to my body.

I notice that the needle feeling in the stomach happens when I try to control the body, say something non-beneficial, act in a non-beneficial way, if I jugde, project or think, instead of being in the moment.

When I was on the Andaman islands, I discovered an awareness, that is always there, in between the thoughts, where there is only breath and experience. This awareness is everything and is infinite. But still there is a boy named Edward that is trying to live his life as good as he possible can, he knows he can return to this awareness anytime, but in day to day life he is just Edward.

In a small village named Vashist, in the Himalayas, one night when I was on my way home from the temple after taking a bath in the hot springs, a strange man grabbed my arm, and said “Ag mille gi”. That means that I will be given fire, and he asked if I wanted to meet God. I said yes, and joined him to his house. There was his wife, three children, and four grandparents. They where poor, but very nice. They gave me some intestines, eyeballs, etc, to eat, from the goat that was slaughetered in an offering earlierthat day in the temple. I ate it, and when I was sitting there this awareness became very strong, and I could feel everything and every person around me, and tears started to come from my eyes. Then the man did the pooja (prayer ritual) and said “Now you know God”.

I also learned that ego, or the mind, only exist when its there, and does not exist when its not there. So there is no battle.

Right before I left Himachal Pradesh, I ate dinner with the family of a local boy that had guided me around in the area. This awareness returned again, and suddenly his father started speaking to me as if I were God. What he exactly said I don't remember
because I felt like I was very high on something and Edward was very faded out.

Since the motorbike accident I've been very fearful of not being embodied, so after that I always focus on my feet. Constantly.

Now I'm back in my apartment in Oslo, and I'm trying to just relax, but the point is I don’t know where to focus. Minds needs a reason, when I focus  on my feet now, then I can feel this needle feeling in the stomach, but when I focus on the chest area, I get blessed out by the heart chakra and the needle feelings gets reduced. Or should I just let go and breathe?

The needle feeling makes me sad and makes me cry, but I mostly feel this needle feeling when focusing on my feet. When I focus
on the chest area instead, the heart chakra feeling works like anasthesia, or maybe Im doing something right.

What is this needle feeling? Should I let it be, feel it, and cry the hellish pain?

In what way am I in a circle, what kind of circle, on how to get out of it? I dont feel like being in a circle though.


Anywhow, I'm trying to land, after travelling for 6 months.


Edward

[Mystress]

I just came home back to Norway, broke, without a job, heart-broken and everything feels so grey and boring and Im mostly lying apathic on the sofa trying to find out how to reduce the twitching
feeling in the upper body area and the stomach.

Is it something that Im doing wrong, or is this just one of those phases, only a very long one?

yeah, and I wanna cry all the time.

  OK Eddie, now you understand my concern when the ecstatic phase moved you to quit your job and flee your home.  What goes up must come down... making big life changing career decisions in a K surge makes it all so much harder when you come back down.
 Sorry you had to learn the hard way...

 When you say broken hearted, do you mean romantically or spiritually?  

 I'll do a remote soul retrieval on you, look like you left it on vacation... if you want to cry, cry. This is old stuff from past hurts, let it out. It is a phase, it will pass.  

notice that the needle feeling in the stomach happens when I try to control the body, say something non-beneficial, act in a non-beneficial way, if I jugde, project or think, instead of being in the moment.

 Well that is clear then, it is your navigation. Gut instinct turned up loud imperative.

  Reminds me of an old joke.
"Doctor it hurts when I do this."
 Doc: "Then stop doing that!"
 Duh! Eddie...

When I was on the Andaman islands, I discovered an awareness, that is always there, in between the thoughts, where there is only breath and experience. This awareness is everything and is infinite. But still there is a boy named Edward that is trying to live his life as good as he possible can, he knows he can return to this awareness anytime, but in day to day life he is just Edward.

 Yup, that is how it goes. Infinite Edward and human Edward.  Infinite Mystress and human Angelique. The infinite awareness is always there though, after a while there is more communication between one and the other.  If you have a question as a human, hold it and step between breaths.  Come back, and the human is wiser.  Gradually it gets easier, the human and infinite closer together... the human aware of the infinite witness presence in back of your mind.

  Welcome back! Blessings...

[edward]

I mean romantically. I thought I was not able to fall in love in the traditional way anymore, but still I fell for a guy from Kashmir. He was a marine in the Indian Navy, he looked like and behaved just like me, only more masculine and tougher. Anyway, I travelled with him on the ship from the Andamans, it was like Titanic. I had to smuggle him into my cabin, there I gave him massage, and we travelled from south to north India. After a while I visited him and his family in Kashmir. Anyway, I actually enjoy these traditional heart brakes now, because now it feels more like a romantic longing for unity with my own soul, its not person fixated like before.

Thank you for the retrieval. Do you know why, or what can have made it, to leave the body this time?

I do feel a lot better now.



Edward

[Mystress]

Thank you for the retrieval. Do you know why, or what can have made it, to leave the body this time?

  You gave it away to your lover.

because now it feels more like a romantic longing for unity with my own soul, its not person fixated like before.

[juergen]

Eddy!

sickness and feet;
I remember a trick for drunk states when lying in bed and riding the merry-go-round: have your feet outside, keep them cold, to prevent sickness and barfing! Tried it and i guess it works unless one hasn't loaded too much

Given that you are in that mood and situation, i guess your system works fine, trust it! Is it saying: "Eddy, you are doing perfectly alright"?
We never do perfectly alright, and by getting this, we do the first step to open up.
Broken heart, tsk, tsk, will ever Goddess be likely to break your heart? ..see?

It often occurs that people don't get the speed from vacations as they expected, but this says nothing against vacations as such, rather something about modern times.

To illustrate by an example:
What looks resistance against the domino game like?

.*.lack of responsiveness(melting ability)
.*.lack of impuls(power ability)

These seem to be the main causes to prevent that flowing wave, like electricity and magnetism for light waves; ..and one lack causes the other, obviously.
These days people go into courses for relaxation, take massages, go to booze or into s&d(haha what's that?), but without really giving in, really wanting to melt. Then the power chakra suffers, but the cause lies somewhere else.

Where will the dominos go to?
We could also call it the 'give in game', but we don't.

Btw, i didn't read the other posts, so this may not be completely uptodate(actually i never do so, always just the heading post)

But i'll read them at once
(ha ha, to give honor to truth: i'm bursting with curiosity)

good vibes

[ant]

Edward have you've tried exercise to lift your spirits yet.
It should help you ground be getting touch with your body.

Love, ant

[edward]

A few days ago I talked with Mystress on the K-List Chat Party. She asked why I was running away from myself.

I've been doing that most of my life. I've always done things very fast, like doing homework or finishing my projects at work
very fast, so fast that I notice that the body has been neglected afterwards. I have a short attention span, and when doing things fast I'm able to avoid to loose interest or get distracted. I've always taken this as part of ADD. I'm constantly restless, and need to stimulate my mind or body with something interesting.

I started smoking pot 6 years ago. It makes me able to concentrate and focus on something for a longer time. It's been easier to retain stuff, like when reading before an exam, when stoned.

So it's been like something that numbs the restlessness down. Maybe around 8 months ago I noticed that I was not able to numb
the body down anymore with pot. It just makes me feel the stuff that is under the restlessness more, it enhances the emotional
physical sensations in the body.

After the chat with Mystress I have not smoked. I'm really tired of it of being stoned most of my spare time.

I have these sensations that happens in the body. It started maybe 1 year ago. It gets heavy to breathe, and I feel like I fade out.
I've been like this all my life, that I fade out, but the last year it has been in a way that makes people to notice it. Sometimes my
friends wave their hand in front of me, or ask me if I'm tired. They say my eyes roll upwards. Yesterday my best friend got really
angry, she said that I have to stop escaping like this, and I have to control it.

Even my dog reacts to this, when I came back home after 6 months of travelling, I notice that even my dog try to catch my attention by scratching on the wall whenever I have these "fade outs".

2 1/2 weeks ago my dog got really sick, and he's had an operation in his bladder. I think he got sick because he/Goddess is trying
to get my attention. The same reason as why the motorbike accident happened.

The point is, I really have to struggle to manage when these energy sensations happen in my body. I really have to focus to keep
myself "awake", it feels like. The breath gets heavy, and I focus on my stomach to take deep long breaths. But yeah, I feels like
that I have to really engage all of myself to keep myself from not going in to some kind of a catatonic state.

That which worries is that why this happens, and that it makes other people react or notice it. I'm starting in a new job next month,
and I can not be like this when interacting with my clients.

I don't know how to handle this.

It suspect it to be K-rushes, but I don't know. I can feel my spine moving, it feels like something is moving thru the spine-tube.
Yesterday my spine got very warm and ticklish.

It feels like my power chakra is less tense now, after I started doing deep breathing yesterday.

What I wish is, I want to be able to function normally in my day to day life. At work and when with my friends.

[Gustaf]

Hi Edward!

As far as I understand it, there is one approach that could be useful, and the good thing that it doesn't matter so much whether it is due to K or not.

There is a perspective of spiritual unfoldment that divides it into three stages. The first is darkness, where you are basically awake to the world but asleep to yourself. The second is separation (called viyoga by yogis), this is where meditation comes in play, where oil is separated from water. Here you separate yourself from identifying with objects, physical form, mental forms, senses etc, so you can start to perceive who is experiencing all of it.  Many people get a bit lost in the second stage (I have been for most of this lifetime)  Mystress describes it as being almost permanently in the witness state.

In the third stage, everything begins to reunite again. Consciousness with form etc, but with an added depths. Being fully in the body, in the mental forms, in everything, but all the time knowing which is what, and as the Goddess essence, rather than mistaking yourself to be the form itself.  Apologies for all the theory, but it helps to make the point. Eckhart Tolle describes this as "Presence"  First ego consciousness needs to be witness, and then Goddess consciousness can move in, and you merge with that, bit by bit.

It is not a clear-cut process. The various stages can occur at the same time in different ways.

I have had many periods where I zone out. Often getting dragged away by emerging thought-processes, or by spontaneous trance states. Not surprisingly, I spent most of my life running away from the world too. One of the underlying fears is that I'd revert to a previous state of consciousness, whereas in reality this fear is a blockage in itself, hindering further growth.  As above, so below. What goes up, comes down, etc! 

So here's the thing. When you feel these moments of zoning out, focus on your breath. Follow your breath with all your attention, then again focus your attention on the person you are talking to.  The breath is a bridge between all the dimensions of your being. It  can easily take you with presence back into physical awareness, if you allow it to.  It is not surprising that most meditation techniques begin and end with focusing on the breath.  Grounding begins with breathing, as well!

So just breathe, and let the breath take you, -consciously-, into the body and to your senses. You may experience a freshness and joy in the sensory world that's beyond description.  When I let this process happen, miracles happen!

A few other suggestions to complement it:
* Practice grounding as often as you can
* Let yourself fill your whole body when you talk to someone.

Most people won't have any idea that you are doing this stuff. All they will notice that you are more present.

Swami Satyananda recommended to people who have intense Kundalini experiences to focus on their breath, or a mantra, whenever their attention starts to get pulled in during the day, as a form of grounding.

Practicing presence may take some persistance in the beginning, but it gets better!  Especially if you practice grounding regularily.

Namaste!
Gustaf

[Gustaf]

Note that most of what I just said has already been said by Mystress and Sigmund in this post, but with a slightly different perspective. Let yourself become grounded and fully present in yout everyday life. It is so beautiful!

I saw once, the most beautiful book title. I haven't read it yet, but would like to, just because of the title.

"There is nothing that isn't Shiva"   (Replace Shiva with any God/Goddess/Universe/AllThatIs, if you want)

Namaste!
Gustaf

[juergen]

"There is nothing that isn't Shiva"   (Replace Shiva with any God/Goddess/Universe/AllThatIs, if you want)

Hmm,

Shakti is the creator aspect, Shiva the destroyer aspect of Goddess.

Together they make a whole oscillation(possible). From this complete oscillation springs the wave of all life.

Look at a young bird at the rim of its nest, just before taking its first flight! A few beats of its wings, and heeeeyyy! the "airplane" takes off

When looking at the act of breathing, it is hard to distinguish between Shakti and Shiva, they appear to be One, but You made the appropriate suggestions as regards breath already ; just a bit copper...

Best!
juergen

[Gustaf]

Dear Juergen,
This is really just a perspective. In fact, in many forms of Tantra, Shiva is pure consciousness, and Shakti is pure energy or creation. In particular in tantric yoga this is often the case.   

So Shiva has many different indications. In the trinity of Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva, he is the destroyer (Sometimes called Rudra). In certain forms of Tantra, he is the consciousness aspect, and in for example Jnana yoga he represents the totality of existence.   

You can do the same thing with the Goddess.  Goddess can be the infinite womb of creation (which makes Shiva the creator/destroyer). Goddess can also be pure energy, or nature. Then she is called Shakti.  She can also be the devourer or destroyer and becomes the Kali aspect. She can also be the Mother Goddess and then represents all that is.

[Gustaf]

I'm very fascinated of this subject of Shiva and Shakti, but I think it's appropriate to take it to a new thread (doing so now), so this thread can stay focused on Edward's growth.

Namaste!
Gustaf

[juergen]

Ok, Eddy...

i want to refer to the obvious vicious cycle in which we tend to slip easily.

Shit job, cool drug and another shit job... so where's the motivation?
Cool breathing seems also cool, but for one in that cycle it may lack a bit of the motivation we're  so eagerly after.

I think what we need(in addition to breathing ),  is another conception of job, without trying to change it  at once or manipulate the clients or colleagues with "good intentions".

A shit job can be an occasion to be at the "pulse", where we can have responsibility and find the most special things to surrender and get in return, what we cannot know otherwise(the faith component).

So i would say the motivation with "shit" is, that it's just a very great thing, which we don't need further to specify(with our silly minds).

And the change of the world which we may have in mind when speaking or thinking of "shit things", will happen by surrenderendering what we encounter at the pulse of the workplace, when we are grounded in the collective...

I don't wish to condemn the use of drugs and working with them; but to use them in a correctional, 'medical'  way, is just not where we want to go; exceptions may be people who *know how* to surrender that drug energy and stay unscathed, like Mystress maybe, but the likes of us still need to learn that kind of surrender.

hugs and a good start next month!
juergen

erm..  and good flight!

(A Jefferson Airplane is explained to be piece of paper to wrap a joint in , if i got that right, but as for me, the JA are a 'joint' of their own and i wouldn't want to spoil it by an odd mix).

[Mystress]

  Eddie, go to the doctor. This attention problem with your eyes rolling up into your head, feels to me like "more to it than just a K symptom."

   I am not an MD, I do not know what it is; but undiagnosed epilepsy, or blood pressure issues, something pressing on your brain making you feel faint??  Anything like that could be dangerous left undiagnosed.  Get thee to an MD!!!

  I get ADD "blink-outs" too and sometimes smoke pot to calm the hyperactivity and help focus... but nothing like you describe! 

  Other than that, you can ask Goddess not to mess you with Kriyas at work, so long as you are willing to allow the kriyas or whatever more, in your time off. 

  Blessings...

[edward]

Ok! I have made appointment with my doctor tomorrow. I will ask him to take full physical check up!

Now it's like I can feel my whole body. It's painful,  but when I let myself feel my body fully and let it move as it wants it to do it feels OK....good in a way.

When I many years ago started with meditation it was because I wanted my body to become calmer, less restless. Because if I
let it do as it wants to do it is usually moving in a way or other.

So I think that this maybe happens because I try to control or repress my body in a way by not responding to it and let it do as it wants.

Also when I put on a happy face even though I may not feel happy in that moment, when I try to hide what I'm feeling, I notice
that I get spaced out.


Edward

[Gustaf]

Ok! I have made appointment with my doctor tomorrow. I will ask him to take full physical check up!

Now it's like I can feel my whole body. It's painful,  but when I let myself feel my body fully and let it move as it wants it to do it feels OK....good in a way.

When I many years ago started with meditation it was because I wanted my body to become calmer, less restless. Because if I
let it do as it wants to do it is usually moving in a way or other.

So I think that this maybe happens because I try to control or repress my body in a way by not responding to it and let it do as it wants.

Also when I put on a happy face even though I may not feel happy in that moment, when I try to hide what I'm feeling, I notice
that I get spaced out.


Edward

Great!   

Ya know, many people miss the point with sitting meditation.  It's not intended to be a replacement for daily life. Rather, it is intended for training, so you can become more and more meditative in your daily life, in your body and in the sensory world. Someone who is in total meditation in every action every moment, probably doesn't need any sitting meditation at all, unless he happens to enjoy entering/exploring deeper states of being.

If you sit for meditation for a little while, I'd say that's fine if it feels right. But try more active, spontaneous forms of meditation to give it balance the body and mind needs! Like dancing, music, devotion, intense awareness in daily action; like zen monks. More dynamic stuff that gives your body and feeling expression!

Think of it this way; When you sit for meditation, your entire system charges up energy, especially if you are awake. It's like a dynamo. If you try to suppress the body especially after meditation it's not very pleasant. You will feel restless and all sorts of things. A yogi once said that "you need 8 hours of karma yoga for every hour of kundalini yoga"  This gives the best of both worlds. A body and mind that can be still, and a dynamic, joyful life.

Namaste
Gustaf

[juergen]

So I think that this maybe happens because I try to control or repress my body in a way by not responding to it and let it do as it wants.
Also when I put on a happy face even though I may not feel happy in that moment, when I try to hide what I'm feeling, I notice that I get spaced out.

Yeah!

Now this sounds like a lot of wisdom to me, and is in agreement with experience.

I know a Korean woman, who once was a sort of auntie for me, who was always teaching others: "Keep smiling, always smiling", and indeed she was smiling when talking like that; most of the time however she was crying and yelling like a cat at familiar people, nowadays she is strolling thru the big warehouses and gives bollockings to any good looking sales girls(who are also usually busy smilers). I think that kind of philosophy wears the 'philosopher' out, and it's absolutely not what we want.

The 'new world' people are somewhat more clever and seem to have reserved grimacings to their so-called actors(politicians) in Hollywood, so the most part of the population can relax, i guess that's why we like them, after all.

The rest of the world population seems to be in between the far east and ultra west(which sounds logic,while eyem looking at it. )

These 'beauty' paths are often outward-directed, the right expression for this attitude seems to me: "Palliation", or also "Superficial"; addiction and dependancy are also names of this, glamor is yet another.

This abuse goes also deep into mysticism, which makes often the appearance to me, of a fair of 'secret tips', of a ecclectic chaotic kind of wisdom-bundles; these tips appear to resemble closely the harsher appliclations like face-lifting and so on.

One of these techniques is certainly Qui-Gong; without mental development it builds up energy with no right vents to canalize. It must be the same with a lot of yoga techniques and paths; Ye will have noticed to have found a lot of very narcisstic people around there, right? And the ugliness behind the facade.

So, while Buddha fled this facade, what has become of Buddhism? Jesus taught his followers to become rich, not just one of them(Peter ), or certain "chosen-ones".
Karl Marx tied on to Jesus and added: "The path to hell is paved with good intentions", but his few followers were just as unable to make good use of wisdom. Christianity had already been corrupted and what appeared under the logo of 'Marxism' was merely 'Christian socialism'.

So i think your perceptions are absolute correct, superficial tips and tricks do more harm and damage than any good.

With these perceptions...
i really can't see what should be in the way of Your luck, it's maybe nothing else than common worldly inertia, the fact, that everything takes its time.

Enjoy time and Best!
juergen

[edward]

I went to the doc, and he's gonna have my brained scanned and also take an EEG.

However, he said the over the years he's always suspected me of being hyperactive, so he think it's ADHD
and not anything physical.

He said that I should let the energy out, instead of trying to control it.


I feel a lot better now, physically at least. I've tried to anaesthize myself down now for a couple of years,
and it will be good to let the energy and creativity work for me in my career.

When I was travelling I was thinking about a lot about what to do when I get back. What to work with,
I wanted something spiritual. But now the spiritual is a part of everything, so whatever I do can be
spiritual. Or just to live. Life is spiritual.

Today I signed the contract with the firm I'm gonna for. The owner is a really sharp business woman. Typical
north norwegian woman. They have a very distinct accent, and they speak very directly and with a lot of feeling.
She's been the director for one of  the largest recruiting companys in Norway and world wide. In the interview process I  was competing with people with master degrees and a lot of experience. And I was the youngest one as well. However she said that she wanted my brain and develop it. So I will work with personal training and coaching of managers in the financial industry and headhunting.

And still I know that I am God, and everything is God...and I am human boy also.

It will be good to work again. I will apply Love. And do it with passion and compassion.

It's very good to have You here. It feels like Goddess is specially attending this holy place. But everything is
Her temple. Maha Devi.


Smoke on the water, fire in the sky
Edward

[juergen]

My heart is LOL

juergen

[Gustaf]

You go Edward! 

[edward]

The woman was actually too tough. She was crazy! I worked there for three weeks, and soon found
out that the former three people that had been in my position before had ended up quitting the job
sick from her harassment, and she had three lawsuits against her because of that.

For the three weeks I worked for her, everyday I felt drained. Everytime when she was around me my power chakra was like a big knot in my belly. She would talk non stop about herself everytime she was
around and never allowed anybody else to speak. And she was aggressive and passive aggressive.

She would treat me like her little office bimbo boy, and tell my that I was only hired because I was young
and handsome. And she touched me in a way I that made me feel that my boundaries where being
trespassed.

In the beginning I thought that I should be humble and let her do her stuff, because I was in the middle of the Matriarchy lesson, so I thought that I should let the female boss dominate me.

But after I while, I am a very androgynous boy, the female queen part of my personality did not put
up with that anymore.

And the only one who's gonna dominate me, is my DB through my body's signals!

I noticed that the shell I put around my aura when grounded was painted pink, and maybe that's why
some people behave like small bastards around me. Because they only get sweet love reflected back.
After I painted the shell blue-lilac colour instead, she turned into a complete monster. And I stopped
giving away my energy to her.

When she couldn't tyrannise me, and I stopped letting myself be the victim, and then getting saved
by her, she would make me the tyrant.

And there's in no point of trying to be loveable around people, or think that when I'm grounded other people are benefitting of it. It's an projection itself, people and the world have already all the love they
need. Good intentions, road to hell.


I'm not comfortable in wearing a suit everyday at work, and have so much responsibility that it
makes my mind so stressed up that I couldn't enjoy my spare time without tension arising in my
mind.

Mystress is right, this is no time for a career change, in a middle of K-surge. I'm more sensitive
than ever before and what I think is best is a ordinary nine to five job, with less demands, so that
I can take care of myself. Focus on being present instead. And let the tension out of my body.

My power chakra is becoming very active, and I'm slowly finding out how to interpret its signals.

I feel like I'm gradually coming more and more into my lower chakras. The three lower ones that
is the physical world. There's a lot stuff to let go off, and I often get so caught up in my mind that
I forget to surrender.




Edward

[Mystress]

And there's in no point of trying to be loveable around people, or think that when I'm grounded other people are benefitting of it. It's an projection itself, people and the world have already all the love they
need. Good intentions, road to hell.

    There is a middle path between good manners and manipulative behavior.  "Trying to be loveable" is quite obviously manipulative: you are being what you are not, to try to control results; how other people will see or respond to you.  Instead, as everyone is unconsciously aware, the people you do it with will feel a little uncomfortable sensing the manipulation and wondering what you are trying to get from them..  like you are a used car salesman.

  Good manners on the other hand, are social lubrication. Life just goes better if we are kind to each other. Easier to handle a crowded bus if everybody bathed that morning.

  Thing is, predending to be what you are not to get love means you do not get loved for who you really are.  The love goes to the mask, not the person wearing it.

   Beautiful to watch you growing Edward. Blessings!

[edward]

Am I in control or not? I mean, is the ego in control or not?

Should I just be the witness who is watching Edward doing his life?

Or should I fully be Edward, let him make choices and actions?

Who Am I?

Am I both the witness and Edward, and let Edward be in the main role and
let the witness watch from somewhere behind, or should I rest in the witness and let
it watch Edward?

If I let the mind rest and stop deciding joices and actions, can I trust the body
of Edward to make the right actions?


This whole thing just agitates me!


Should I give up? What is to give up?


Some insights are higly appreciated



Edward