Help: only on lesson three and already in trouble!

[Lauren]

The reason I am taking this course is because I need help and guidance with my active kundalini, after my Advaita Monism Vedanta Guru abandoned me...I would like to keep going on with these wonderful experiences I have and enlighten fully.  My direct experiences were because I naturally focused on the energy, felt loved and supported deeply for the first time in my life where it mattered inside, and then I kept asking for more, to enlighten, and things just built up. Later what I realized was that a part of myself was "courting" me, and becoming alive.  The Guru said I had done terrible practice and that for some reason, God had given me three awakenings. I described my method to her and she said I was interested in phenomena ( a no-no).  So I was drawn to this course because it seems that I needed another kind of help, but now I am really confused.

You see, I just turned 53; have not had sex for 17 years; and never wanted it. I have never known what sexual desire is, and I always felt used by my partners...it just seemed like a physical thing and that didn't have anything to do with love.  Love, I have found, was inside, and was what I really am.  I am feeling pretty weird right now...who would want to be me having no interest in sex...I love the bliss of the energy inside of me when it flows and does its thing.  (then I get to a higher level and there is no sensation...just formlessness, light, love, or some new surprise...)7

Also, I have had years of teachings that I am not a body; not to identify with the body...and this only made sense during experience when I learned that I was the energy.  Yet I am trying to be open about this thing about sacred sex.

What I want to know is how can I take this course when I have never had an interest in sex?  (actually, I hate it)  Does it matter?  I have been aware of in dreams and meditation of my male/female aspects relating to each other, and I believe they are doing well for each other.  I know I saw the male aspect once (about three years ago) who said he wanted to marry the female aspect, in about 5 years.  I do have sexual dreams, but I believe that they are about internal marriage.

Any insights, suggestions about the above would be appreciated very much.  I was told that I had been blessed not to be interested in sex because it wouldn't distract me...now I am wondering if I am defective....

[Gustaf]

: The reason I am taking this course is because I need help and guidance with my active kundalini, after my Advaita Monism Vedanta Guru abandoned me...I would like to keep going on with these wonderful experiences I have and enlighten fully.  My direct experiences were because I naturally focused on the energy, felt loved and supported deeply for the first time in my life where it mattered inside, and then I kept asking for more, to enlighten, and things just built up. Later what I realized was that a part of myself was "courting" me, and becoming alive.  The Guru said I had done terrible practice and that for some reason, God had given me three awakenings. I described my method to her and she said I was interested in phenomena ( a no-no).  So I was drawn to this course because it seems that I needed another kind of help, but now I am really confused.

: You see, I just turned 53; have not had sex for 17 years; and never wanted it. I have never known what sexual desire is, and I always felt used by my partners...it just seemed like a physical thing and that didn't have anything to do with love.  Love, I have found, was inside, and was what I really am.  I am feeling pretty weird right now...who would want to be me having no interest in sex...I love the bliss of the energy inside of me when it flows and does its thing.  (then I get to a higher level and there is no sensation...just formlessness, light, love, or some new surprise...)7

: Also, I have had years of teachings that I am not a body; not to identify with the body...and this only made sense during experience when I learned that I was the energy.  Yet I am trying to be open about this thing about sacred sex.

: What I want to know is how can I take this course when I have never had an interest in sex?  (actually, I hate it)  Does it matter?  I have been aware of in dreams and meditation of my male/female aspects relating to each other, and I believe they are doing well for each other.  I know I saw the male aspect once (about three years ago) who said he wanted to marry the female aspect, in about 5 years.  I do have sexual dreams, but I believe that they are about internal marriage.

: Any insights, suggestions about the above would be appreciated very much.  I was told that I had been blessed not to be interested in sex because it wouldn't distract me...now I am wondering if I am defective....
:  

Hello Lauren!

Writing this is mostly a sharing of my own experience on the same subject, and some reflections for you. Maybe something resonates with you.

Out of curiousity, does it bother you that you currently have no interest in sex?  What if the blissful energy you feel is also sex? If you felt used by your partners, maybe it's given you a negative imprint about sex?  

I've known a lot of sexual desire. Naughty, intense and very lustful sexual desire, in a distorted, repressed form. It's been coming up in full force lately to be integrated into my being. (In the 'shadow emerging' thread) So in a sense, it's a lot in contrast to your own experiences. Those experiences have been difficult for me. I have had just the same thoughts as you.. Am I defective?

If both of us have thoughts about being defective in such contrasting experiences, are both of us defective? I'd say we are both perfect. Every human form is expressed completely uniquely!

Have you denied sex? Pushed it away?  If not, what is there to worry about?

What I've learned through this course is to accept whatever comes my way. Any thoughts, feelings, memories, about sexuality or anything else.  It's not easy at times! The things denied and rejected tend to announce themselves in force. It's funny, out of habit I want to say "bad and ugly" also, but my inner voice tells me it isn't so, it's just a belief!

Nobody will demand sex from you. What would be the use of that? I don't see any use in it at least. The only thing that seems to matter is to go wherever that blissful energy takes me, and embrace, love and fully accept anything she manifests, no matter what it is, ugly/pretty/painful/joyful/shameful/prideful etc.

Guilt in enjoying my sexuality, what nonsense!  

Ya know, there are periods when I have felt just like you too.  No sexual interest at all. The energy has flowed in different directions, into different things. As far as I can understand, it's all sexual energy taking different forms. And then the energy manifests something else and I can't think about anything else except sex for some time, which has always bugged me so much in the past. Ashamed of thinking about naked breasts? Complete nonsense too. It's all dumped in my lap so I can love it unconditionally. Embrace and love the shame, enjoy the sexual experience.. OR lack of sexual experience.

My view on it is if you somewhere deep inside hate sex, that's something that'll come your way eventually to be evaluated.

I studied so much about not being the body too, about not being the mind. I read a lot by Swami Sivananda for example.. Very anti-sex. Maybe it worked for him, but in the end it didn't for me. I've found that the experience of not being a body just happens!  Sometimes abruply, sometimes more subtly. No teachings can explain the experience.. Paradoxially, when I'm in an experience of not being a body, that's when I am not rejecting the body, or rejecting sex!

My recent experiences with sexuality revealed to me a very beautiful analogy of stripping. Usually stripping has a lot of negativity surrounding it, but there's something incredibly beautiful about it, if you put it into the context of transformation!

I was practicing the grounding as usual a morning, and was scanning my energy field for things manifesting for surrender.  Interestingly I found "clothes" in different colors and shapes, covering me, sometimes partly, sometimes completely.  I kept stripping those clothes off. I peeled them off lovingly. There was a sexual feeling involed. Layer after layer. The stripper, dancing in the flow of sexual energy, shedding layer after layer that covers the true nakedness within. Completely unhidden!  Each time I shedded a garment of etheric clothing, there was a sense for a moment of the body not being there.  When I say body, I don't mean the physical body, but the body as in a shell of separation!  Just spilling out into everything! It was very subtle, subtle like the still small voice within!

Lately I've pondered if not many of the masters and teachings about "you are not the body" have been gravely misunderstood into a denial of the physical body. I've found that the shell of separation doesn't have anything to do with the physical body.

I think you'll find this course very interesting when it comes to examining your own sexuality. It's so very different for every one of us!

A lot of this is much beyond me at the moment. I can ask you questions and share with you my own experience. Mystress has very deep insights about the whole matter, and being able to share about my sexuality without scorn or judgement is a true gift of Goddess!  In most places, it's nearly impossible to do so!

[Mystress]

Most of the Masters who preach like that, are not living in the body. They are hanging out in the crown chakra and not feeling the body's desires and needs. Pointless, like incarnating only to crawl back into the womb. Often their bodies are quite frail, the body gets weak if you spend too much time out of it. It thinks you have died and starts to shut itself down.

 Celebrate the gift of embodiment!

: Lately I've pondered if not many of the masters and teachings about "you are not the body" have been gravely misunderstood into a denial of the physical body. I've found that the shell of separation doesn't have anything to do with the physical body.

[Mystress]

  Well, Lauren, I don't want to tell you that you are defective!

  I do think it is likely there is a blockage preventing you from enjoying sex. Possibly you are not really in the body.

 On the other hand, experiencing sexual awakening directly through the Divine Beloved is incredibly romantic and perfect! That is what the course is about! Not the only thing, but it is a solo course, you are getting the inward thing, and that is lovely. No worries!

 Blessings..

: The reason I am taking this course is because I need help and guidance with my active kundalini, after my Advaita Monism Vedanta Guru abandoned me...I would like to keep going on with these wonderful experiences I have and enlighten fully.  My direct experiences were because I naturally focused on the energy, felt loved and supported deeply for the first time in my life where it mattered inside, and then I kept asking for more, to enlighten, and things just built up. Later what I realized was that a part of myself was "courting" me, and becoming alive.  The Guru said I had done terrible practice and that for some reason, God had given me three awakenings. I described my method to her and she said I was interested in phenomena ( a no-no).  So I was drawn to this course because it seems that I needed another kind of help, but now I am really confused.

: You see, I just turned 53; have not had sex for 17 years; and never wanted it. I have never known what sexual desire is, and I always felt used by my partners...it just seemed like a physical thing and that didn't have anything to do with love.  Love, I have found, was inside, and was what I really am.  I am feeling pretty weird right now...who would want to be me having no interest in sex...I love the bliss of the energy inside of me when it flows and does its thing.  (then I get to a higher level and there is no sensation...just formlessness, light, love, or some new surprise...)7

: Also, I have had years of teachings that I am not a body; not to identify with the body...and this only made sense during experience when I learned that I was the energy.  Yet I am trying to be open about this thing about sacred sex.

: What I want to know is how can I take this course when I have never had an interest in sex?  (actually, I hate it)  Does it matter?  I have been aware of in dreams and meditation of my male/female aspects relating to each other, and I believe they are doing well for each other.  I know I saw the male aspect once (about three years ago) who said he wanted to marry the female aspect, in about 5 years.  I do have sexual dreams, but I believe that they are about internal marriage.

: Any insights, suggestions about the above would be appreciated very much.  I was told that I had been blessed not to be interested in sex because it wouldn't distract me...now I am wondering if I am defective....
:  

[Stormy]

: Most of the Masters who preach like that, are not living in the body. They are hanging out in the crown chakra and not feeling the body's desires and needs. Pointless, like incarnating only to crawl back into the womb. Often their bodies are quite frail, the body gets weak if you spend too much time out of it. It thinks you have died and starts to shut itself down.

:   Celebrate the gift of embodiment!  

: : Lately I've pondered if not many of the masters and teachings about "you are not the body" have been gravely misunderstood into a denial of the physical body. I've found that the shell of separation doesn't have anything to do with the physical body.

Hello...

i would love to ad to this..... this is something that has troubled me as well.... its kinda weird that i read this....
i was ordering coffee today and i felt this erge to surrender to my feelings from this guy handing me the coffee.... it felt so good to just let him flirt with me.... i am a male and surrendering to female or male (their person on the inside) higher self or i find so uplifting....
to let go of all material flesh in that single moment .... i become so uplifted(*grin didn't notice that but i'll leave it*)... also very very sexual....
i haven't had sex for at least a year or more and almost afraid to have sex because i wouldn't want to let go of that feeling...
the more i surrender the happier i am....

once i combine the surrender of the senses with the physical touch i think it will be a wonderful experience...

cool stuff...

stormy...  

[Mystress]

Well, Stormy, you did not deny the body. You surrendered to allowing the flirty sexual feeling of the body, and the body ... uplifted. Took you along for the ride.

 It was not a out of body experience. You did not let go of the flesh, you let the flesh be free to be itself, and soar...

 The masters I speak of, who hide in the crown and deny the body, are stuck halfway through the K process. K goes up, then goes back down.

  The trip back down, is to take the crown chakra perception of perfection and shine it down into the level of the physical, to see perfection there, and surrender to being a passionate playful human. When you do, the body ascends... the vibration increases and the body becomes Light.

 As the process continues, and you surrender deeper into the body's desires it will feel natural to explore a whole new kind of intimacy that includes the body... and both you and Lauren will feel like virgins,  because it is so unlike the "dancing in the dark" of regular unawakened sex.

 Acts of love and pleasure serve the Goddess.  Be faithful to Her within yourself, and have none before... and in time, She may provide a physical lover.  Goddess made the illusion of more than One of us, so we can hug each other.

 Blessings...

: Hello...

: i would love to ad to this..... this is something that has troubled me as well.... its kinda weird that i read this....
: i was ordering coffee today and i felt this erge to surrender to my feelings from this guy handing me the coffee.... it felt so good to just let him flirt with me.... i am a male and surrendering to female or male (their person on the inside) higher self or i find so uplifting....
: to let go of all material flesh in that single moment .... i become so uplifted(*grin didn't notice that but i'll leave it*)... also very very sexual....
: i haven't had sex for at least a year or more and almost afraid to have sex because i wouldn't want to let go of that feeling...
: the more i surrender the happier i am....

: once i combine the surrender of the senses with the physical touch i think it will be a wonderful experience...

: cool stuff...

: stormy...