My Fear "essay"/ coming to term with my fears

[Keith]

This is a rough draft I guess. I think I will do revisions and then post it to the Kundalini Gateway. I don't know why I feel like I need to. Just a yearning to share, to exist in other people's worlds I guess. Probably stemming of a fear for acceptance. This call could be true, but one main reason at least is that I am trying to face and deal with things I have previously turned my back to within myself.
  I am also pondering the posibility of a non-physical Kundalini awakening. Some people have physical awakenings, perhaps mine could only be mental as I show very little of the normal K physical symptoms, yet if I have any spare time I always am thinking of ego, unconsiousness, states of mind, the nature of energy waves... etc. etc. So this is a way to direct a possible "mental" kundalini awakening. This is my frist true step of kundalini. This is my thoughts, feelings, and some personal experiences of FEAR. Any thoughts are very welcome, for I will take them into consideration as I revise my thoughts to post more effectivly to the list. Thank you for your time in advance, as I know this is lengthy enough...

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Fear and Life:
Kundalini to enlightentment. One to being one with all. There is one aspect of this I wish to ponder for a few moments. This is Fear.
  Fear is the basis of survival of the fittest. The animal that is smart enough to fear what will kill it, will survive in the natural world. That is fine and wonderful, but in a linear perspective, it only represents a small portion of evolution.  Many people claim this is a new age, a new point of evolution. Perhaps it is. The age of Aquarius. Whatever it may be, it will be despite it's name. But if there is a change of evolution, how animals/humans survive and where they survive is also going to change. Animals evolved into humans, now we live in skyscrapers and fly in metalic structures.

  Enlightenment, Transcending... Transending what? Much disscussed about it the ego on the list, how the mind views itself in light of the world, objects, people, and situations around us. Animals, as far as we can really tell have no ego, one of our developments is having an ego, yet we have retained fear and pain to guide us through survival. I am pondering a next evolution of a type. An experience without fear or worry. Living always with complete faith that what is is.
  So where does fear start? Fear starts as one with life. With life there is fear. In death there is no fear. This is perhaps why the "Ego Death" is so longed for. If we have already mentally died then there is nothing to fear for we are technically dead. Without fear, no limitations exist and we could do anything. I am reminded by the monk whom set himself on fire in protest of the veitnam war. He had truly accepted the mortal existance of the body. With that true understanding one can watch their own physical death with calm, unmoved eyes. Completely experiencing what I imagine can be a most amazing experience. Not to create suicide as an experience, but to be completely steady that it is possible to transcend the physical body after death allows you to experience everything. To see everything rather than closing your eyes because you're scared. For example, you're walking along side the road, a car is out of control and comes within inches of hitting you. How do you react? I imagine an "enlightened" person would not blink. They have already accepted that bodily death will happen. The shrugs and realize that this could be it. If it is, then fine, their mind is prepared to let go and move onto whatever comes next. If it is not death, then they have stayed fully in the moment completely in full senses rather than going into shock.
  Yes, it is a very utopian thought. To be free of all fear to the extent to create true freedom. To see everything as a wonderful "experience". Not good or bad. Perhaps this is a form of ego death. But to me an ego is needed for a physical experience. Perhaps a good way to define an "ego-death" would be an "ego-detatchment". You realize your ego and due to the heightened awareness of consciousness allowed to us by Kundalini Rising, Miracles, Science, whatever you may believe in, you've accepted your physical death, therefore you can accept your ego detatchment that at one point you will be disconnected from these things and should be able to operate outside of their influence... outside of their influence of worry and fear. This is my hope, to eventually be able to operate outside of the restrictions of fear. This does not mean to walk in front of moving traffic because you no longer "fear" them or death. No. I mean to operate outside of the need of fear as a means of survival, and to use consciousness, or some sort of superconscious as a means to satisfy the "survival of the fittest" quota.
  Perhaps it is also a "zen thing". I currently live in fear. I do my work for fear of losing my job, for fear of disapproval, for fear of not being able to provide for myself and loved ones. So I waste much time worrying about these things, rather than just getting my work or job done good. If I just do the job without thinking about these other worries, then I would have nothing to worry about. No fear, plus applied knowledge and motivation, equals freedom.
  I live in fear, and I'm seeing it more and more. I chew my fingernails to the point that they bleed sometimes. Why? I don't know. I think I'm afraid and so I do that to take my mind off of my fears. In school I have projects and reports due, and I fear and fear the outcome of a grade... an insignificant grade, untill it's over. I work in the technical theatre department. I have to make artistic decisions sometimes, and I'm afraid to take action because I'm afraid of criticism, of not being able to accomplish the task. Of not matching colors or style. I'm am often beat before I start because of my deep rooted fear that I have let grow strong throughout my life. I wish to now really start facing my fears, and trying to stay out of the fear emotions, and stay in the experience set of emotions.
  A week ago I remember working in the theatre. A very close friend of mine was working on a ladder. I watched him slip and the ladder fell but he was able to hold himself up out of danger untill the ladder could be restored. I remember exactly how my body acted. Complete fear, comeplete wanting to be able to do something even though my consciousness knows that there is no possible way to affect anything that was going on. Every muscle in my body became tense, I could not speak or move. Just watch. The rest of the day I replayed that moment again and again, each time cringing and then imagining what would have happened had he actually fallen, and died. And yet I still could do nothing. But this is what he did after he almost fell. He said this exactly, "If anthing drastic like that ever happens to you, jump up and get back on, because if you don't, then you will start to be afraid, and you will never be able to get up again." Those words hit me hard and deep. They were spoken about a ladder, but they ran through me as if explaining the paradox of life. You can only live if you leave fear behind. That is exactly what I have yet to do. But starting now, I wish to begin a long journey towards actually living for once. For myself, for experience.

[Shara]

Heya Keith,

 Enjoyed your essay, and appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts here...makes the Tea Room interesting.  I am no Master over fear, by any stretch...but I have thought a lot about this subject.

  You seem like a deep thinking person, and trying to understand fear intellectually may help you to some point, but then you arrive at a new stage.  For me, actually dealing with fear comes down to trusting or not trusting the "ride" of life.  It's easy to start with smaller fears-like what if my project doesn't make the grade?  Then I can go two ways...One is to worry and obsess(ego is in charge here)...the other is to ask myself...welllllll what if it doesn't?  If the fear is a smaller one I can feel myself detaching a bit or ground myself and then cut myself loose from the fear or at least loosen it up some.  My trust in the divine grows as I work through my fears, and the less importance I give to my own sense of "control" in a situation.  Our sense of "control" IS ego....all illusion.  Why lose good fingernails over it! ;-)

   I'm not so good at the bigger fears, so I just keep practicing.  I hear somone laughing at the way I "surrender by degrees" ahh well
                          Take care, Shara  

[Keith]

Hey Shara,
  Thanks for your wonderful thoughts. And you are right, dealing with larger fears is difficult than dealing with "little" fears. That makes me think of the grounding exercise. How it puts you in a state without fear. Mystress says to first try and deal or contemplate very minor issues as they are less likely to unground us, and then move onto more complex and demanding problems, issues, or thoughts. And she also says to notice what ungrounds you... I'm trying to notice more and more what I fear and then ask why, and then get around to taking your lead and asking, "So what if..." There are similarities everywhere...

Keith