Gopi's Tea Room Posts

[Gopi]

Created a separate thread on tea room because I did not want to post this to the 'Temple' thread (which is more personal).
I will append future sharing to this thread to keep things sorted.
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Today I felt moved to share some excerpts about food from an Ayurveda book. Ayurveda is the Indian science and philosophy of medicine and healing. I was born and raised in Southern India and have a good lived experience and cultural understanding of Ayurveda but I am NOT an expert. I do not endorse all the views expressed in this book or Ayurveda itself. I have shared here what resonates with me. I also like the nuanced approach to the relationship between food and self. Below text is from 'Prakriti: Your Ayurvedic Constitution' by Dr. Robert E. Svoboda.
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TERMS (from Glossary):
Ahamkara - literally, the "I-former". Ahamkara is that force which identifies the individual body, mind, and spirit and permits them to exist together as a living being. She is feminine because she is a portion of the creative power of Mother Nature. Uncontrolled ahamkara may, by identifying with objects that are external to the individual, create unhealthy dependencies and addictions.
Ama - a general term for internal toxins produced by improper metabolic functioning
Dhatu - literally, "that which supports the body." A dhatu is one of the seven body tissues which when well-nourished nourish ahamkara
Rasa - (1) taste, especially the Six Tastes of Ayurveda. (2) teh first dhatu, also called chyle or plasma, analogous to the sap of plants. (3) semen (Shukra), especially that of Lord Shiva. (4) by extension, the metal mercury. (5) emotion.

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CHAPTER THREE: FOOD
Ayurveda teaches that food is the Prana, or life force, of living beings, and that life is a continual search for food. "Life lives off life," in the words of a Sanskrit proverb: we maintain our own lives by consuming other living beings...
Eating is a sacred act, an offering made into the internal digestive fire in much the same way that offerings are made into external sacrificial fires. We make external sacrifices to propitiate cosmic forces personified into the forms of deities, and internal offerings to propitatie the indwelling spirit of human form.
Each morsel of ingested food must give up its own individual existence and be transmuted so that it can participate in the greater existence of the human body. It is a mystery and a miracle: that which is "not-you" is converted by ahamkara into that which is part of you...
Any substance can act as food, medicine or poison for ahamkara. Food is that which nourishes the body, mind and spirit. Medicine improves the digestion to enhance nourishment. Poison impedes  digestion and disturbs nutrition...

The Ritual of Eating

• Give thanks to Nature for providing you with food, and thank whichever deity you worship for being alive to eat it. Approach each food item with reverence and love, even if you are served something that you dislike but must eat... Consume your food, even if you dislike it, with respect for the sacrifice it is making for you, and it will carry the harmonizing power of your prayer inside you instead.
• Before you begin your meal, feed someone else. Traditionally in India a five fold offering is made: to the sacred fire, a cow, a dog and another human being who might be a child, a beggar, or anyone else outside one's own family. This is a practical thanks to Nature, a feeding of some of Her children in gratitude to Her for providing you some of Her other children as sacrifices for consumption. And, it is another way of controlling ahamkara, an admission that the food is intended not for mere self-gratification but for the greater good of all beings. Feed anyone--a pet, a plant, a neighbor, a stranger--so you can experience a little of Nature's joy, the joy which a mother feels when she feeds her children and watches them grow and develop in consequence.
• Chew each morsel slowly and attentively many times. When feasible, eat with your hands so that your skin can send temperature and texture cues to your brain.
• Feed all five sense by eating food that is attractive to the eye, tasty, aromatic, and pleasing in texture and sound (like the bubling of a hot casserole or the hiss of a frying pancake).

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CHAPTER FOUR: NUTRITION
Rasa Dhatu
Ahamkara and the dhatus are mutually interdependent. Ahamkara's OK is required before any moelcule can be admitted into your body's fellowship, and ahamkara's confidence, which controls its ability to maintain the body's immune defenses, depends upon well-nourished dhatus... This integration of external, alien material into your internal being is a sensitive operation that begins with the introduction of food into your mouth. As the Tastes alert the brain to the sort of food that has been ingested, the brain directs the digestive processes accordingly. As digestion proceeds, material that has passed muster and undergone preliminary conversion is absorbed into the system and begins to circulate. This is Rasa Dhatu.
Rasa has at least two dozen important meanings in Sanskrit, meanings as varied as water, semen, plant sap, and metallic mercury. Rasa Dhatu mainly signifies chyle, blood plasma and lymph, but it also refers to "taste" and "emotion." The fact that Rasa means "taste" suggests that good Rasa Dhatu can be produced only when the ingested food possess all the Tastes that the organism requires...
Rasa Dhatu's special function is "prinana," a word that means nourishment but is derived from a root that signifies romantic love. All bodies live from meal to meal, eternally craving further food. When the body is hungry, each of its cells is hungry. Just as a plant who is withering from lack of attention and water seems to freshen immediately when sprinkled by a thoughtful passerby, so too all of your sells perk up, physically and emotionally, when they receive the "sap" of Rasa Dhatu. Rasa is not sufficient in itself to nourish the whole organism, but it is a promise of better things to come.
Romance is an ephemeral emotion, which projects a potential to provide more. We feel great satisfaction from a glass of juice at the end of a long fast, and a great relief from a glass of water after several hours of thirst. But those reactions are really just anticipations of the nourishment your tissues will experience after your digestion operates on that food or water. "Prinana" is the satisfaction you feel when the nourishment first enters your system.
It is called "romantic love" because it is really a waltz of two separate existences--you and the food--who are trying to become sufficiently intimate with one another to unite together...
If your food is not properly digested, or if it is well digested but improperly assimiliated, your ahamkara will feel precisely like the lover whose date stands her up: cheated, used, abused and frustrated. The process of digestion after thorough chewing and swallowing leads ahamkara on to expect a night on the town (good assimilation of healthy Rasa). If ahamkara must wait for hours in growing despair as her corsage wilts, she will take it as an affront to her self-confidence (a weakening of ahamkara's power to project a unified personality). This can lead to self-denigration (weakening of immunity) if it happnes too frequently.
The texts list many symptoms that develop when Rasa is disturbed. The most important are "lack of faith" and "lack of taste." "Lack of faith" develops from lack of self-confidence. You can lack faith in yourse;f or others or both, according to whether your ahamkara concludes that its failure to be nourished derived from its own insufficiency or developed from the malicious intervention of an outside party. Lack of faith can develop into suspicion, which can create barriers against whatever aspect of the outside or inside world has been adjudged by ahamkara to be guilty of treachery.
"Lack of taste" has a twin meaning. Psychologically it indicates a lack of desire for food, which happens when ama is produced in preference to Rasa Dhatu. In such conditions the system recognizes that it must first clear the obstruction to the dhatu nourishment process by digesting ama before it can handle any further nutrition.
Psychologically, "lack of taste" means lack of interest in living, lack of "flavor" for the things in life. An afflicted individual moves about in a perpetual funk, unable to get excited about anything. This is a form of lovesickness: bereft of the love object (Rasa Dhatu) the lover (ahamkara) moves about in a fog, deriving no satisfaction from normal pursuits.

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CHAPTER EIGHT: REJUVENATION
Disease always forces us to confront our attachments. All attachments are temporary and are dissolved by Nature when She feels it is time to broaden our personalities.

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[Gopi]

Looking back at 2018:
Please share one good thing that happened to you in 2018.
What are you grateful for?
What was difficult?

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Mine:
I am currently visiting my family in hometown after 3.5 years. Usually, my visits back home is rough emotionally. But this time I am having a restful and fun holiday with family and friends. I feel good about this.

My 2018 started out very stressful because of job search. I am grateful that I got a good job that I like and moved to a lovely new place.

My grandma who is 95 years old is one of my favorite people and she's my first real-life feminist hero. She has lived a full life and overcome several life struggles. She did not finish high school but made sure that all her 8 kids graduated from college. Her children, grand children, and great grand children are all doing well. I love my grandma and look up to her for courage and strength. She is a fantastic conversationalist, brilliant business woman, and talented artist. She has always been generous and kind towards strangers and family alike.
Because of age, she has become physically weak and is slowly losing her memory. It is very difficult and bittersweet for me to see her now. I am very grateful that I got to know and spend time with her. Thank you Goddess.

[Gopi]

Happy new year to you all!
Wishing that 2019 brings good health, happiness, and prosperity.

My guide pointed out the theme for my 2019 - Enjoy the ride!
Thank you Goddess.
Namaste!

[WhimsicalZephyr]

Looking back at 2018:
Please share one good thing that happened to you in 2018.
What are you grateful for?
What was difficult?

Many good things happened to be in 2018. I think the most important thing that happened was me taking on more responsibility for self-care via healthy eating and exercise, not to mention grounding and FST.

I am most grateful for my family and my friends. I am also glad that I live in a country where despite being severely disabled and unable to work, my needs are provided for. Thank you, Goddess.

My health was most difficult this year. I have been increasing my strength through exercise, but my pain hasn't decreased any. My rheumatologist is referring me to the cannabis clinic and the chronic pain clinic, so we'll see if they can come up with better solutions than what I'm currently taking. I also finally have an appointment with a psychiatrist, so I will likely be switching up my anti-depressants as Cymbalta and nortriptyline are supposedly really good for soft-tissue pain. So there are options still, even with severe joint damage. And, I'll be getting my right shoulder replaced soon, so I'll likely be able to handle more computer work.

2018 was also the year a friend visited and I met a new submissive. Looking back, I am very happy with how my year went! Thank you, Goddess.

WZ

[Gopi]

Some of my 'problematic' sexual past has been coming up recently.
In truth, I don't know if I can say I was sexually abused.
Another boy of same age from school forced himself on me.
I went to an all boys high school and it was common for adolescent friends to touch each other 'inappropriately' simulating sexual acts but mostly in jest and in front of other friends.
But this boy moved in on me when no one was around and forced himself on me.
I did not find it funny and refused his advances but it kept happening.
There was a part of me that enjoyed the physical sensation of what he was doing to me but I felt no desire towards him.
I have mostly told myself that I used him for my pleasure.

Without getting into details, I used sex as a way to avoid loneliness but also felt very empowered and alive.
I would have died a long time ago if not for the touch and embrace of another.
Unlike a lot of gay men that I know of, I never felt guilty or spiritually conflicted about being attracted to another man.
My issues were always about other people and their beliefs about what I should be.
Also, I have always had multiple sexual partners even as a young boy and never felt guilty about it.
Sex gave me a lot of confidence that I lacked as an adolescent in other aspects of my life.
I felt good having sex and I also took pride in being a good lover when I made my partner happy.
But I also used sex to avoid feeling lonely and somehow internalized the idea that sex is all I have to offer.
With my depression and anxiety, I had bouts of asexual periods which shook my entire sense of self built around my sexuality.
After K awakening and with age, my sexual needs have changed and continue to evolve.

I have had some wonderful lovers who have helped me to love myself better.
Despite these good experiences, I find myself feeling embarrassed, damaged, and lacking in confidence to remain open to love and life.
The idea of being with another man where the relationship is not primarily sexual seems so far fetched and almost impossible to me right now.
A part of me feels like my sexuality is just too broken and abused beyond repair.
And a part of me is annoyed that I still want physical intimacy and connection with another person.
I do have good friends and emotional intimacy in my life for which I am grateful.

Surrendering all of this to Goddess...

[Gopi]

Going through a growth spurt.
Felt moved to write out my thoughts here today.

Guides send me a loud and clear message repeatedly: Ask and you shall receive!
Shedding layers of self-doubt, reluctance, limited beliefs, cynicism, and old patterns that do not fit anymore.
Psychologists and human behavior scientists use the term 'maladaptive response' meaning something we do in order to get by with what we have for the time being (not the best or healthy in long term but... desperate times).
We humans are incredibly fragile but also brilliantly resilient and resourceful.
Necessity is the MOTHER of invention and even as children we instinctively know how to take care of ourselves with whatever resources we have.
What we do as children may not always be effective or healthy but the *will* to survive is coded into our DNA.
Kundalini serpent hisses, springs up, leaps way above the ground (without legs mind you..), enlarges its hood, issues a warning before causing harm, and is ready to strike...
This survival instinct is what has kept me alive through so many different deaths.
I have tried to let go many many times (suicide attempts, ignoring body for months, starving, using sex as way to numb my emotional pain, etc) but Goddess wants me here... so here I am.
I am Hers and that's all I want till my last breath and beyond.

It feels like I am trying on different outfits and casting away the ones that don't fit anymore.
Interesting to see what stories I tell myself about myself - I am this and I am that.
The one big difference I have noticed in my life before and after FST is my own sense of self.
No matter what plane of existence I am in, I have a resounding and self assured truth - I belong to Goddess, body, mind, and soul.
That is the only identity that feels true to me.
And what an amazing respite it is to take refuge and comfort in knowing that I belong to Her.
I am still very human with very human flaws, moods, and needs.
I am slowly coming into my own sense of self as Goddess intended for me to be.

Grounding...
Gratitude...

Namste!
Gopi