Licking My Wounds

[Indigo]

I realized that I was being discourteous to The Fifth by putting my topic within his Fierce Grace post.  I am creating this post to separate out my current struggles. 

First of all Mystress, you were right about everything.  For the record, I had no idea I was suppose to send my IB into the light.  It was not in any of my previous posts and has not been a lesson in my FST.  I did tell the woman last night that I was married, but it was really too late at that point.  You use concepts that I do not entirely understand yet, but if I were going to have to take a guess at it, it was all about projection, empathy, and karma.  However these realities played out, I destabilized a fragile person by directing my feelings at her.  Everything that came out of her mouth was what I wanted to hear.  It was almost like she was under my control.  I can't help feel that this had everything to do with me and nothing to do with her.  I take responsibility for what happened and can see that there is something inside me motivating me into the repetitious patterns with similar woman.  I really know nothing about false beloveds, but again I need to learn quickly.  I have sent this IB into the light and when it hits the light I see something hideous.  It did feel like something inside of me was using my intellect to its own devices, and in the end, inflating my ego.  It gave me the sense that I could create this world the way I wanted it to be.  Control....I am always trying to control.  Always trying to secure that which was stripped from me at an early age.  There is something inside of me that bristles with rage at what was denied me as a result of my abuse and neglect, and unceasingly tries to secure those commodities.  It was never my intention to cause this woman harm, but I did.  Destabilizing this person deeply disturbs me, because I have always tried to meticulously avoid harm to others.  I am doing my best to give myself compassion.  This kundalini thing is no walk in the park.  I understand now that the power makes me dangerous to others and that I need to move forward with great care.  I will follow what you have instructed me to do.  Thank you for your guidance.             

[Mystress]

Indigo Dragon:
I realized that I was being discourteous to The Fifth by putting my topic within his Fierce Grace post.  I am creating this post to separate out my current struggles. 

  Well I did the same, we trigger each other in this space, is all good.

   Felt more self conscious about ignoring the rest of the content to respond to the 3 alarm fire bells your post set off in me, and giving you a bit of a smackdown when you were being vulnerable... however the smackdown is well earned, clearly you need it, and it will continue with all compassion and concern.
  Why is it always the ones that pick "dragon" that give me the most trouble? Maybe because taking a name of power for a course in learning to be a slave, indicates they are really not clear on the concept of humility and grace? 

First of all Mystress, you were right about everything. 

Yup, often so. Thats why I am the teacher.

For the record, I had no idea I was suppose to send my IB into the light.  It was not in any of my previous posts and has not been a lesson in my FST. 

Bullshit!! Ego loves its excuses eh? Entire lesson devoted to 'testing your guides' and specifies all guides. No accident it is after the heart voice lesson and before introducing the Divine Beloved. Don't try to pin this on me!

  Jeez dude, do you really think I would be asking people to put their whole faith and trust in something without telling them how to test that it is genuine first? Way too dangerous! Hard enough learning to surrender, but giving that power away to an imposter is disastrous. Set off alarm bells in me!

Especially deep concern for your dancer, I could see that she was fragile and the news of your marriage would be devastating, possibly send her to suicide. She had pinned all her hopes on you, that she had finally found a nice guy. Turned out to be a lying creep who took off his wedding ring to take advantage.

  Rarely do emotionally and mentally healthy women choose that profession, with the exception of some college students paying for school and that is rarer in the age of cell phone cameras, slut shaming and internet. Most have been abused to the point where the feel their sexuality is the only thing of value worth selling, and the mens' reaction is the only time they feel powerful. They get abused by men all the time and have to face that they will be dropped like used kleenex as soon as they show a sag or a wrinkle.  Rough life.

  So, what control game inside you managed to overlook that lesson so completely you insist it does not exist??


I did tell the woman last night that I was married, but it was really too late at that point.  You use concepts that I do not entirely understand yet, but if I were going to have to take a guess at it, it was all about projection, empathy, and karma.  However these realities played out, I destabilized a fragile person by directing my feelings at her.  Everything that came out of her mouth was what I wanted to hear.  It was almost like she was under my control.  I can't help feel that this had everything to do with me and nothing to do with her.  I take responsibility for what happened and can see that there is something inside me motivating me into the repetitious patterns with similar woman.  I really know nothing about false beloveds, but again I need to learn quickly.  I have sent this IB into the light and when it hits the light I see something hideous.  It did feel like something inside of me was using my intellect to its own devices, and in the end, inflating my ego.  It gave me the sense that I could create this world the way I wanted it to be.  Control....I am always trying to control. 

  Once already I have subtly corrected your "IB" and you missed the memo. So you invoked an "internal beloved" instead of your Divine Beloved. What kind of control game is it, to change my words and pretend it means the same thing? It totally fucking doesn't!! aaaaaaaa (I am actually totally calm.)

  Let me tell you about your "inner beloved." Carl Jung described the base anima/animus as a feral, greedy sort of thing, that is all self interest and no morality. So you invoked that instead, because you thought your words were better, and projected Goddess power onto it, and then projected it onto, not one but four vulnerable women whom you saw dancing. They became that.

  My students carry some of my energy, taking it in from the lessons and for sure I do not consent to having my energy used to fuel black magic but Shakti gets Her own ideas.

  There is a hidden FST Lineage member, dreamwalker is the best remote healer I have ever trained, especially gifted with trauma and mental illness. I put him on your dancer this morning, he said good thing because she was in very bad shape.  After he worked on her, he traced the vibration to three other dancers you have watched and projected onto, and none of them were doing well with it. he will continue to monitor them, and on the plus side they are getting care from a world class healer who would not have been called to tend to them otherwise.

  However, that does not excuse you from taking care too. If she will still talk to you at all, you need to explain to her that you are a new magician and you accidentally cast a spell on her, with every apology you can think of. Reassure her that she is wonderful in every way, because her self esteem has taken a bad hit, being fooled by a married guy. Don't worry if talking about spell casting sounds crazy, it will be a comfort to her even if she doesn't believe it. Give her as much money as you might spend in a strip club in a month, you wont need it because you have stopped going to strip clubs.

  Google "Toxic masculinity." See your shadow.


Always trying to secure that which was stripped from me at an early age.  There is something inside of me that bristles with rage at what was denied me as a result of my abuse and neglect, and unceasingly tries to secure those commodities. 

  Ego has its stories... and you buy into it all.  Investing in victimhood, always a waste of time unless its a lawsuit. What you focus on, will grow. The whole #MeToo thing shows that nearly everybody gets abuse, its so common it is actually kinda normal... but not everybody walks around with a big fat chip on their shoulder about it, and a massive sense of entitlement. Its childish. Grow up!
  Is that really the kind of person you want to be?

I am doing my best to give myself compassion.  This kundalini thing is no walk in the park.  I understand now that the power makes me dangerous to others and that I need to move forward with great care.  I will follow what you have instructed me to do.  Thank you for your guidance.         

Compassion for yourself, because you feel bad about it?  Not compassion for the victims of your sense of entitlement? If your dancer had anyone to protect her, they would be busting your door down to beat the crap out of you, for how you played her and I would be there to film it for youtube!

   Its not kundalini telling you to take off your wedding ring to deceive women, that was all your own idea.

  It is no accident that your scrotum looks like a little brain, it really is one and men who follow that brain end up hurting women, because its got one goal and no morals. Tantra is not about thinking with your dick eh? Where is your heart? Did you leave it on the bus?

 All this post, and the one before, trying to place the blame on somebody else, sounds narcissistic to me. Its my fault for not warning you? (I did.)  Its your wife's fault for being too christian, its your caregivers fault for not raising you right. You knew your wife was christian when you made the marriage vows, so that's a pretty lame excuse for breaking them. She accepted your seed, bore your children in good faith. You say you are taking responsibility but it does not sound like it to me. You can do whatever you like, so long a someone else is to blame for it eh?

  Kundalini already beat the crap out of you for your efforts to control. If pushing it until it sent you into anxiety and breakdown did not gain your respect for messing around with the most powerful force in the universe, then I don't know what will. You are lucky it came out emotionally, I have known people who kept hitting the Kundalini bliss button like heroin addicted lab rats until they burned out their adrenal glands.

  Its no use trying to pin this on Kundalini, either. Casting spells to control people for your selfish desires, is not a Kundalini effect! It is free will based magic. You did this. Stop trying to hide out in compassion like you feel you deserve a pat on the head for being a good boy, and find the balls to face the guilt. Face the shadow! It is yours. 

[Indigo]

Thank you for helping me and those that I have hurt.  I will do everything that you have asked.

[Mystress]

 I would like for you to start over, with FST. Clearly your control issues of trying to go too fast have caused you to overlook some critical information, and the lessons ahead are much harder than what has come before. You need to be properly prepared. The course is paced so that by the time the DB lesson comes up you should be stabilized in your grounding and have quite a bit of experience in working with discernment.

  Ego will want to think this is a punishment, it isn't. It is what is needed for success and safety. If you really open, you will find every lesson gives new insights every time you revisit it. Start over, one lesson per week, and this time really respect the material ok? FST will be the hardest thing you have ever done. This is not some fluff you can breeze through, it will rock you to your core.

  Don't give up. Surrender is the imperative of kundalini, you are awakened, you have to learn it because resisting the process... you already found out what that feels like.   

[Indigo]

I will do as you have instructed.  Thank you for not abandoning me.  My last lesson was roleplay and responsibility.  I will not go to the next new lesson today, but will start over from the beginning.  I will do one lesson per week.  Out of my arrogance I thought that continuing my daily meditation practice would be enough to stay grounded.  I will complete the eight times a day for 45 days.  I will submit to your instruction.

Something keeps coming through into my consciousness.  I take on an ominous appearance and begin to speak in a different language that has a deep guttural clicking intonation.  My wife says she hears it in my sleep.  I used the K-Teacher page to try to figure things out.  Am I dealing with an entity?  I will attempt the entity clearing instructions.  Should I do anything else?  It is not the only voice that bleeds through.  There have been many since I began to awaken. 

[Indigo]

Naaaa no entity.....just my shadow....feral, narcissistic, sadistic.  Welcome my friend, may I learn what you have to teach me.  May I not turn my back on you again. 

[Indigo]

I really hate that I hurt someone else in the course of learning about myself.  I always considered myself to be someone that would never hurt others.  That is completely bullshit though.  I hurt others all the time.  In my words, thoughts, and actions.  In this denial of my shadow I was blinded to its reality, its power.   It reminds me of one thing I learned about my dissociative disorder.  To paraphrase: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction in the psyche.  For as much as my persona was submissive, masochistic, religiously scrupulous and passive, my shadow is dominant, narcissistic, feral, and sadistic.  This part of me would always manifest during therapy, and being so foreign to my adult self, it was easy to distance myself from it.  As Shakti has her way with me I can no longer live as parts operating in isolation.  Everything is being heaved out of my unconscious to be integrated and resolved. 

It has been intoxicating to live as my shadow.  Having spent a lifetime living in the darkness of fear and self-hatred, it was easy unroll the carpet for a force that made me feel invincible, handsome, boundlessly creative, seductive, aggressive, the list could go on.  The problem is not any of the qualities, but that I lost my grounding.  I got turned around and around until I let myself believe my own lies.  I began to act out my unresolved childhood issues with the power of my shadow.  My shadow had motives of its own. 

During therapy this week I think I cried deeper and longer than I have in a long time.  There is a part me that feels robbed of my childhood by abuse and neglect and I feel entitled to reclaim those experiences. Of course as an adult, I know I can't go back.  You can't get it back.   All my life I had a picture of a woman that would somehow free me of my isolation by her presence.  The stripper, Lucy, fit that description too well.  Projection and magic aside, we matched up so thoroughly that it felt like I had found that person I always dreamed of.  Yes, I was willing to lie to get what I wanted and I have well deserved guilt about it.  If in persona I manifested a complementary personality in her,  I also did in her shadow.  I have always know that I harbor great rage.  A rage that if embodied would like to spill blood and burn the world down.  That aspect really played into all this.  That part of me really did not care if I burned the world down around me as long as I got what I wanted.

I like my shadow, I am my shadow, and when I swing back to what I perceive as center, I find more and more that I can hold both power and vulnerability.  I find that I struggle the most when the kundalini energy is surging and pushing me to expand.  I can't lie, I really love the feeling of power.  What I am banking on for the next surge, is that I can use the grounding exercise to remain more integrated and not feel compelled to act out unresolved conflict.  Lord knows I got a lot of it, so I know that I must be prepared for next time.  Thanks for reading.                   

[Mystress]

 Beneath rage lies hurt, and underneath hurt is a part of you that feels unworthy of love. Find those parts, love them.
  Love is a quantum energy, it can transcend time and space so you can send it back through time to your child self. It is not too late to have a happy childhood. Mine revealed a lot of wonder and mystery when I stopped focusing so much on the old hurts.