Been rebalancing after a blowout bachelor party weekend in Vegas. I like to have a good time, no doubt, but I do not enjoy being stuck with other people continually over the course of two days with constant activities and little time for processing. I was on fire all day yesterday, just starting to feel myself again today.

Been using the mantra repeatedly karma follows responsibility. Seems to be working. I pick up so much stuff from around me though, and then sharing a room with my brother hurling old projections at me. It is important to share those experiences and to be together, I want a good relationship with him. In the face of his criticisms, just remembering that it's okay that I'm an imperfect human.

The "sociopath" part I think is better framed as the "warrior" part of self. Its mission seems to be survival and it internalized a "by any means necessary" mentality. It used to be really bad with lying and just getting into trouble but that stopped at age 16 with K awaking.

With all of my health issues growing up and the weird spiritual phenomena and the rejection, misunderstanding and judgment from others I just turned, cold in some ways. It feels more of a survival mechanism though than some deep-seated lack of conscience or empathy, I have both of those in spades.

I relate to what Gopi was talking about, the calm under pressure thing. I feel like I thrive in those situations and while I'm generally not good sitting behind a desk, I'm the one getting people out of the burning building or the crisis situation. Fearless in certain situations.

I think at the end of the day, I've been through so much silent suffering that I simply have no patience for bs. No time or energy for it. So, I am very good at disconnecting.

So apparently CFS can be related to depth of perceiving and processing. Just, a lot of signal and noise coming in. Makes sense. My gripes with society, I think, are not unfounded. All about productivity, achievements, accomplishments. I push, push and push and I still feel lazy. This immense depth of processing feels great for art, though. Gradual, ongoing creative projects. The discernment of where to place things feels almost God-like.

Sure, I must grant that there exists and always has existed a part of me that just wishes the world would leave me tf alone. Everyone in this world wants a piece of everyone else. Is it the best of all possible realities? Well, it is what is, must surrender my judgements.

I do seem to have found a way to keep up with some of the demands, though, using a compound called acetyl-l-carnitine which gives a nice big boost of energy and seems potentially indicated in the management of CFS due to some nascent research. Apparently, most feel a little boost or not much at all, but for me it feels like adderall but without the drawbacks. Clearly, whatever boost its giving to me on a cellular level feels beneficial.

Hmmm, seems my somewhat chaotic state as of late is stemming from world events, I seem to be feeling the energies. Big things are happening, it seems. I don’t even have to watch the news, lol, with my empathy.

QuoteThe "sociopath" part I think is better framed as the "warrior" part of self. Its mission seems to be survival and it internalized a "by any means necessary" mentality. It used to be really bad with lying and just getting into trouble but that stopped at age 16 with K awaking.

  Hmm. Complex PTSD can split someone into three or more. Two of them are the good child fawning persona that goes along with anything to avoid conflict, the other is the berserker that stops at nothing to protect boundaries even if the threat is not real. I know them both all too well, complicated with ADHD emotional dysregulation and a touch of oppositional defiance.  My berserker does not lie, shaman ethics go deep but it sure gets a distorted idea of the truth at times.

  Early k-list archives, the Mystress zen whacking stick that knocked so many people out of various types of k psychosis was an empathic berserker effect some have compared to a dakini, wrathful.  Possessed by other folks karma, could end up awake all night writing the reflection to release their stuff from myself. No awareness of time passing... was bad for my back, being nothing but eyes and typing fingers for hours at a time. Fair to say I burnt out on it.

  Psychopaths make the best heart surgeons. Could you cut somebody open and hold their heart in your hand? Plus they are perfectionists and very competitive and image -conscious. Very invested in not screwing it up.

Consensual dominant sadists, good with the zen whacking stick. Jung said it, "no coming to consciousness without pain..."  but endorphins eh? Apply gratitude and enjoy the buzz.

  You have not mentioned CFS before. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?  Have you ever had a reiki activation?

Hi Fifth

Have you ever had a mold test? My son has ASD, but we recently had a mold test to discover that his levels were off the charts and likely has contributed greatly to neuro-developmental delay. We used to live in an old Victorian home in the UK which had a good amount of mold and it never occurred to me that this could be the catalyst of a lot of other things in myself (medically) as well as my wife, who has a foggy memory at times. I do know that things like Lyme and mold toxicity can really wreak havok on the body and cause things like ASD, CFS and autoimmune disorders and often go undiagnosed by traditional medicine. After I lived in the house, my I developed psoriasis on my scalp and palm which wasn't present before. I am not sure that it is from living in that home, but am now taking bamboo charcoal to bind those mycotoxins out of the system.

I am not a doctor, but did notice that you mention cytokines in one of your posts, so it sounds like you have researched it. :-)

Cheers

I love this:

QuoteGopi wrote: When I am numb, I watch/read disturbing things to see if there is anything in me that flinches (I do NOT recommend this if you are already struggling with mental health issues).

 When someone really gets it, that emotions and karma baggage are just stuff that can be changed by the power of thoughts, and goes from being a victim of karma to a hunter-seeker of karma. Deliberately seeking out what is uncomfortable, to find the triggers and release them to be free to enjoy a better life.

 I did that so much in the 90s. Karma hunter, constantly challenging myself to hunt for triggers and judgements and anywhere I thought Goddess is not. Looking for the love in All that Is. One place I used for my 'dancing in the cremation ground' phase was lurking on the old newsgroups. Challenging myself to find the love in horror stories found on topics like alt.suicide or alt.sex.snuff where rape and homicide is eroticised. Putting myself into uncomfortable social situations. Practicing total honesty and openness in my writing, my metaphorical dancing naked.  Where ego wanted secrets I shared instead.

 Little preschool shaman kid, facing off with the shadow monster that is the Portal Guardian's early form every night, being slaughtered over and over if I showed any trace of fear until I learned to face it with unconditional love. The early training still holds true, like the Litany from Dune. Facing the fear.

 That love and courage of the spiritual warrior is so beautiful to me. When people get to the place of realization that the emotional baggage and limiting beliefs are just stuff, gain power over it instead of being victim, and then take it further and go trigger hunting. Awesome.

 Yet there comes at time, all things must pass... as you said:

QuoteThe hamster wheel of 'continuous self-improvement' can also become an ego trick to escape being in the present

 There comes a place where there are just not so many triggers left to find, and the peace of Divine Presence that has replaced them is its own perfection, self acceptance... and that is enough. Warrior into Sage. No need to hunt. OK to stay home and just deal with what presents in the moment, with acceptance that transforms.



 

I do not think I am a psychopath but I do understand how they are likely adaptive for the species as a whole in some ways. I suspect, maybe it is cPTSD or some subclinical manifestation. As a child, I displayed many traits of a "troubled kid" and I believe now, in retrospect, I was dealing with a ton of empathy back then that I did not recognize as such. My parents were great, but distant and I have an *exceptionally* avoidant attachment style. Walled off, to the max.

The berserker is something I relate to. It comes out at times and feels autonomous from me. I'm generally surprised every time it happens and it does seem in contraposition to the "nice social cohesion/don't rock the boat" side of me. Bottom line: I think we are all complex in our psychology and it would be good for me to adopt a more curious explorer mentality and no judgement. These two sides do seem like mirror images, though.

No Reiki or anything like that - in this lifetime, at least. I used to be into OBE and energy work but it always destabilized me after K awakening so I stopped. 5-htp seems to be helping me now with the fatigue and I feel like a new person when I'm on it. I'm not sure though what the relationship is between neurochemistry and subtle energies, but I'm sure there's a relationship there as they mediate conscious experience.

My energy feels very high right now. Optimistically, I feel better able to deal. Feels like a very narrow walk though. When I go into these high energy states I feel like I look exceptionally young and it's funny how people are surprised by how far along I am in life when I "look like a kid."

I'm convinced also that the singer in the band I'm in is a vampire. He draws so much aggression from people, no one likes him and he seems deeply, deeply buried in depression, negative thinking and mental health issues. I want to help him but I feel like telling someone they may be a psi vamp is anything but socially acceptable, lol. I snacked on him a bit to try and help ease his burden. Came up against a deep, deep, black wall. Solid, impenetrable. There is suction, like a black hole. My vortex on the other hand feels nice, friendly, playful. I think the snacking was beneficial for him, but I think it was more of a Band-Aid rather than an enduring solution. He is very obtuse to spiritual matters so I don't know where his path will lead him.

Actually, I did once get a massage from someone at a chiropractor's office and she was into reiki and did weird energy stuff during messages generally without asking or permission. Kind of a new-agey type. Who knows if she did anything weird.

The healing on the singer worked, he's much better now. I'm always surprised when I snack and then people change. I used to worry they would know it was me. But they don't seem to, their reality just gets better.

 I don't think you are a psychopath, you are far too compassionate for that... just pointing out they do have purpose in the world... Good thing because sociopathic tendencies are found in 4% of the population... 3% male, 1% female.

 The c for complex, in cPTSD is because it is considered a developmental disorder and incurable by western medicine. Excessive stress affects childhood brain development and creates a life-long heightened stress response via the genes that change in childhood in response to the environment.

Goddess only knows how much of my path was, is motivated by a search for peace with cPTSD and ADHD emotional dysregulation co morbid, plus the shaman stuff to deal with.

 Latest is investigating the work of Bruce Lipton, who believes we can change our own DNA, and EFT... emotional freedom technique, tapping on acupuncture points to release trauma. Mixed results with that one so far. I tapped on being burnt out on email since 2007, after a decade of 18 hour days tending k-list.

 It was like, instead of releasing it all migrated to my power chakra to turn it into a smoking black hole I could not clear. I got backup, dreamwalker took it and said it was not mine, it was all anger people had spewed at me.  Nice to open Eudora without a slight feeling of dread.

I am working my way through a basic medical intuitive course online with Carolyn Myss... she is legendary. Did not know she is so Christian.

 Before that, a zoom trauma intensive with Dr Gabor Mate that was disappointing and excruciatingly painful. Felt I was taking on karma from all 300 people in the zoom chat omg, especially when he was giving bad or very dated advice. Nothing new about "Sit with the feelings." Suffer through the trauma all over again. Sure it works but it is cruel healing.

He partnered with some Kundalini yoga woman who was having people do pranayama to trigger stuff and good thing he had a ton of volunteers to help people freaking out. He is of the "break down to break through" school and it is just brutal.

 I was interested because he thinks ADHD is a result of parental neglect. I was always too busy trying to avoid my parents to consider whether I was being neglected.  So what I got out of it is knowing I could do a trauma class, 100ox better but I would need a team of vamps at my back taking the pain away.  

 Kundalini's peaks and valleys can look like bi-polar disorder, and it smooths out as karma is cleared. Then there are people who have a bi-polar disorder and are awakened. Bigger roller coaster. You might find it interesting to take a long look back and track the tides of your orbit. This thread might be a good place to start, moods and dates.

 Someone on k list with a really bad case of bipolar once posted a dream that sort of validated my speculations about it.  In the dream, everyone had a well, but her well did not have a fence around it, so anyone could come take the water and throw trash into it. When the well got so full of trash the water was inaccessible,  the pressure would build up to a big explosion like a geyser that would clear the well and throw the trash all over.   Pretty clear metaphor, empathic overload due to boundary issues. Logjam sorted with dynamite. Mania feels somewhat like  berserker vibe but its usually driven by a wrong idea.

Reiki activations are implants. Ask your DB or vortex to show you, reiki looks like black Chinese characters in front of each chakra to manipulate the energy flow. That is supposed to be up to Goddess,  so reiki implants becomes a blockage in awakened people that sometimes causes CSF symptoms.
Imagine the reiki symbols melting like wax and burning up, one by one then say some words refuting and revoking and and all the spiritual agreements connected with it,  time travelled to the moment before an activation started. Get your DB and vortex to take care of any loose ends.  

QuoteI'm always surprised when I snack and then people change.

 lol yes it works. Miraculously.

The downside of people not knowing, is they may attribute it to some other cause and go astray following a wrong idea.
  The PC term for the work is empathic healer. People are a lot more friendly about empaths than vamps. "Fixed it because I was tired of feeling it in myself every time I see you" is a self centred motive most people will accept, and makes an opening to offer to teach them how.  Explain the vamp part after they have had some success and start to ask why.

  Training vamps to train other vamps always was part of the plan... Goddess' plan. 

Yeah bipolar runs in my family on my father's side. I think for myself only bipolar 2 is possible since I've never really ended up anywhere near needing to get admitted for mania symptoms or psychosis. Definitely an orbit for me, though.

I suppose I am still acclimating to the miraculous. Seeing tremendous change in people's lives after snacking. It was very striking for him; he suddenly starting miraculously meeting people aligned with his dreams and he seems to be better hearing the call of his own soul toward his gifts and love for music. Very amazing to see and leaves me nothing but humbled. It's just good vibes and net benefit all around, because I get fed, people get lighter, feel better. Amazing what we're capable of and how intuitive we are when we're not bogged down. 

On the Bipolar, there is definitely a ton of instability in my family and my own relative balance I can only attribute to grounding.

There seems to be a form of passive healing occurring to people by being in proximity and increased receptivity and trust. "I just feel like I can trust you" is something I have heard a lot over the past few months. I don't think the sense of deep privilege and humility this yields will ever entirely go away, the things people share with me. Yes, I am very detached, calm, peaceful but I do not think that means I do not care haha. I was getting hung up on self-judgment around that.

I think the days of people reacting negatively to my presence are over now. Gratitude.

I think one of my issues is I'm addicted to chaos and I'm not sure what to do about it. It's like an option on the color pallet at my disposal, artistically. I understand how damn foolish it is to want to exist on these sort of fringes, at least in theory. I feel like it expands me, makes me wiser, to challenge myself like this. But, consequences are cruel and indifferent and to think I'm somehow special or protected to explore the way I like to seems, at first glance, narcissistic.

I don't know. It feels like the more I grow as a songwriter the more chaotic I become, just unbounded to convention or trajectory. I suppose I'm just discovering things that were probably in me all along. I think that, ultimately, I do need to stay grounded and centered, have stability. I think being adaptable and unattached to any given direction - flexible - is a strength. But if my "trait openness" is this dang high, I really need to prioritize inoculating myself with stability, grounded commitments like friends and family, etc so I don't float off.

I hold it all together, this wobbly project I'm trying to do chasing essentially two dreams at once. Surrendering.

TheFifth wrote: "I think that, ultimately, I do need to stay grounded and centered, have stability. I think being adaptable and unattached to any given direction - flexible - is a strength. But if my "trait openness" is this dang high, I really need to prioritize inoculating myself with stability, grounded commitments like friends and family, etc so I don't float off. "
I can relate to the challenge of investing into grounded commitments.
When I get too depressed or self-involved, my guide points out that I need to refocus on caring for those who Goddess sends my way and need my care.
Challenging me to give a damn when I don't feel like giving a damn about anything or anyone!
Nailing my feet firmly to the ground in the present when all I want to do is scream and run away somewhere else!
For my work, I have been reading up on the notion of acedia, which I understand as an absence of desire to care.
Here are few quotes that resonated with me.

(1) Acedia is experienced as “…a weariness of the soul, indifference, a listlessness, an inability to concentrate on the task at hand” and “mask itself in fervid but misdirected activity… We can live and work with the same people for years without being fully invested in their lives â€" or our own. Stability requires attentiveness â€" paying attention to those with whom we share common space and time.” Source: Dennis Okholm. 2013. Staying Put to Get Somewhere

(2) "As an absence of care, acedia can seem harmless enough since it is not an observable material offense. However, whenever there is an absence of care in the world, an absence of intentionality, then someone is left lacking â€" an elderly person unattended, a starving person unfed, a woman battered, a child uneducated, a life’s gifting uncelebrated. Therefore, acedia is difficult to notice because it is accounting for an absence.” Source: Andrew. A. Michel. 2013. In Pursuit of Sophia

I seem to keep "leveling up" or reconsolidating awareness at more refined and wiser levels after each of these crises that come up. I cried today for probably the first time in 8 years after hearing a song that reminded me of my deceased father, thinking about all the people in my life aging, how short life is. The most poignant part of the song is the singer is talking about being away from her mother, on tour, knowing her mother is sick with little time left. Can't get that time back.

Probably, a lot unresolved in me still around the sudden loss of my father when I was younger. I became numb, a stranger to feeling for 15 years. Seems to be returning now.

But living my life that way, aware of its fleetingness, makes me feel so alive and I see the people in my life in a different light.

Quote"I seem to keep "leveling up" or reconsolidating awareness at more refined and wiser levels after each of these crises that come up."

Yup that is how it works. Stuff coming up to be released, bumpy until it clears and then you are clearer. We descend,  mining for treasures of self knowledge. Golden insights.

QuoteProbably, a lot unresolved in me still around the sudden loss of my father when I was younger.

  The sort of thing tends to leave some deep scars. Armour finally shedding is a blessing.

QuoteBut living my life that way, aware of its fleetingness, makes me feel so alive and I see the people in my life in a different light.

  That is why Tibetan prayer beads are skull shaped.

  Self awareness, is awareness of our own mortality that most animals do not have. With it, comes awareness of oneself. A dog cannot recognise itself in the mirror, yet dogs try to bury dead puppies. Rats eat their young if they get too hungry.

  Dolphins and elephants can recognise themselves. Cetaceans commit suicide, beaching themselves. Elephants revere and mourn their dead.

  People respond so differently. Bowie believed he would die young, and his life was frenetic creativity.

  I met a kid in secondlife one day, he had had a terminal disease, ankylosing spondylitis and he was a dick. Bitter, entitled little creep. Sad he was wasting what little time he had, but he felt entitled to be angry at the world. 

  I've got longevity genes, life moves at a different pace for me. Still menopausal at 57, was a late bloomer too like everything happens over a longer time scale.  A shaman, living with one foot in the underworld... ascended, knowing death will be a different sort of transition and I will keep on doing what I have been doing, just without email.

Looking into eternity, wondering what dead ascended masters do when they get bored... I think, Goddess is grooming me to become the soul of a new planet that humans will colonize. Avatar as apprenticeship. So much to look forward to. 

  I enjoy bead work at times. I buy mala beads made of yak bone on ebay, carbed by Tibetans who fled to  India. They are beautiful.

https://www.ebay.ca/itm/193235857465?hash=item2cfdc13039:g:n6EAAOSwPqlfJXbM

This fills me with a sense of hope that there's a future for us, humans. It feels like there has to be, something. So much happening right now. It's an amazing time to be alive.

Anyway, hanging out in a nice lighter place lately. It almost feels like everything in my life now is handled intuitively.

Waters have become a bit chaotic again and the only common denominator I see is a new intimate relationship. She seems to find my energy extremely enticing and there is spark there, I feel it too.

But I feel like it’s a mixed bag, connections like this, and I find myself once more swimming in what feels like an endless sea of empathic impressions and sensations, and just life becoming stormier than I’m accustomed to.

I do not know. I find her a blessing in my life, a source of tremendous support and companionship. I suppose there is likely always going to be that trade-off between peaceful solitude and human connections that are all loud in their own way, at least to someone like me.

I suppose, just venting and surrendering this, whatever it is. Goddess, please restore my peace.

I return after a hiatus of sorts, hoping to gain insight, clarity and release. I have this overwhelming sense that I do not have much longer here, on this earth, and my health stuff is all coming to a head. I have, to some extent, always felt this way, a healthy dose of hypochondriac catastrophizing.

“I’m resisting my sensitivities,” is the answer I get. That familiar bombardment of impressions, scents, sights, and sounds.

I recently came across the notion of “hyper brain, hyper body” which resonated and basically found autoimmunity and metabolic disorder to be a drawback of high cognitive ability. Hyperactive mind, hyperactive, or reactive, body. So much that I see, think, feel.

I get pulled back to the question, whether this stuff is even metaphysical? Maybe I just can’t relax, on some level. I obsess, I hyper focus on singular pursuits; some constant effort to earn my keep, or to realize dreams beyond breakfast, work, and sleep. I lose myself, utterly, in the creative obsessions. Too much of a good thing, perhaps…

It feels good to check on from time to time, to connect with this inner daemon, this deeply wise and insightful part of me that emerges seemingly exclusively through the writing process. But it knows what to do, what I need, and what the imperatives are. Peace, quiet, solitude…

TheFifth wrote: I have this overwhelming sense that I do not have much longer here, on this earth, and my health stuff is all coming to a head.
You are not the same group of cells that you were as an embryo. Your sense of self is not the same either. We are all dying and birthing with every breath. When the work is done, ego completes its purpose and wants to die. Embrace it. A healthy dose of ego death can be helpful to sort your priorities. Transitions bring up stuff in various forms (bodily health issues, dreams, cravings, etc) so that we can examine, learn, and let go. Take your fears, resistance, regrets, desires, and plans for future and leave it all at Her feet - Thy will be done!

I do not use the term hypersensitive even though it is useful to describe practical stuff. I believe that we all have different levels of sensitivity. Hyper or hypo is relative. You are as She intended to be. It is the sensitive ones that are aware of pain and hope in subtle manner. Sensitive people live and experience life intensely and that in itself is the purpose - no other grand purpose. For some people, it is just another sunrise. For sensitive people, the same sunrise can invoke the grandeur of our entire solar system and represent the dawn of new hope. There is no point in trying to convince others that the sunrise is extra-ordinary or judge our own sensitivity as out of proportion.

TheFifth wrote: I get pulled back to the question, whether this stuff is even metaphysical?
It can be helpful to gain insight about our own experiences. But trying to make sense of your existence through rational understanding of the mind has limits. Ego is designed to handle limited things and wants to control what it does not understand.
Give the questions to Her and ask for insights: what can you know by yourself that She cannot teach?
Sometimes we do not get answers because we are busy looking for answers. The search itself is the last barrier that must be dropped.
She is the womb of all creation. She is All. Ask Her.
She will show you what you need to know for the next step in Her service.

Wishing you a lovely summer.

Namaste!
Gopi

Thank you, Gopi, it’s always a pleasure reading your insights that you do generously share here.

I have to large extent emerged from the tomb, having discovered that my problem was low stomach acid and taking  a PPI which was exacerbating the issue. There has been, however, psycho spiritual growth in the sense that I have realized deeply the relationship between love and fear, but even deeper than that, the nature of my own cowardice, as it manifests in various facets of my life. Cowardice and love are mutually exclusive, at least on my universe at this time. And I realize, courage is the only choice I have, if I am to not live a lie. I suspect these are insights occurring in duality space, but these are deep issues I seemed to acquire from my parents, from a lack of supervision, consequences, accountability.

The other side of the coin though, which seems largely outside of my control, is poor impulse control. I have, to large extent, really become better at maintaining decorum, but every so often the cracks show. I have come to understand over the past year that I am highly creative, which requires this sort of spontaneity and divergence, loose associations. But these are largely things which, say, corporate entities pay lip service to, but actually find anathema in their employees.

So, I seek workarounds. Standing desks, ear buds, steps retraced, accumulated and contained within a four-walled room.

I don’t feel so lost anymore, though, with my health seeming restored. Optimism is a pleasant season…

Things seem to be getting active again, something going on involving owls. I have one that has been looking over me in a tree outside my apartment, a beautiful great horned owl who’ll peer in at me in the most uncanny manner from time to time. I fell asleep the other night and became immersed in a circle of swirling dervishes, which morphed into a a really tall, stretched out owl, like rubber or Gumby. “The professor is in,” I thought over the following days. Maybe it’s just a reflection of some aspect of my being. It seems there are big things at work at this time, big changes and transitions.

Much of my “identity” lately has been swept up in creative endeavors, but I find the identities themselves are very fickle and fleeting. I may get swept  up in a mode for a few days, a week, or even a month, but once I pivot into a different mode the one previous might as well be dead. Because, all in all, it seems I have little left to cling to.

Anyway, seems there’s a new phase of deepening occurring. As always, I feel at once both on the edge of brilliance and catastrophe. But I find now that even my strongest self-sabotaging aspects are failing in their attempts, that it seems I can find peace and solace that whatever comes over the coming months, it is what is.

There are things in life I do not understand, like how we feel called to certain things yet the path unfolds in twists and turns we could not expect or anticipate. I recently applied for an arts grant in a long shot attempt to fund what I’m trying to do in the realm of music, which was denied as I pretty much expected; yet it was right after applying for it that the gates of heaven opened and the strongest creative ideas and inspiration came through, what will likely be the best work I produce in the immediate future.

At first I thought, maybe I was being rewarded for the effort, for dreaming, for trying. But I come to realize that perhaps it is not about a reason, an answer, but simply finding wisdom, which, in this case, is probably to take bliss in the thing, the brilliance of the ideas, the gifts given regardless of whether it  finds its way into the world. Maybe gratitude is itself the wisdom.

I can understand and appreciate poignance, the brilliance that hides in plain sight all around us. I recall Ram Dass responding to someone in a similar situation, “you’ll finish it someday.” But I have to make peace with process, the intrinsically unpredictable nature of life, the uncertainty-but-rising-every-morning and doing what is to be done. I think in this case, patience is space, and space is wisdom…

Much of my “identity” lately has been swept up in creative endeavors, but I find the identities themselves are very fickle and fleeting. I may get swept  up in a mode for a few days, a week, or even a month, but once I pivot into a different mode the one previous might as well be dead. Because, all in all, it seems I have little left to cling to.

  I am so accustomed to this, I usually attribute to ADHD orbit but it is also the flow of the vajra. The output of the alchemy is raw creative energy seeking form and it is more invested in the doing than the completion.
 
  Whenever you attach to something, you do create an identity for that purpose... and when the identity drops.... interest is gone too.  The space between, the nothingness identity means freedom to become whatever the Muse requires. Blank slate for the creative expressions to be pure.
 
  You can look at my websites alone, to see so many unfinished projects. Imagine how many more are at home or on my computer, unseen?
 
  You cannot let them wear on your mind. The only ones that guilt me are ones involving committments to others, like the broken state of this forum and FST2020. Mostly the forum. My delay in responding to you, I started this post the day after but it led me introspective, not sure of my words.
 
    Unfinished projects in secondlife? lol it is made for that.  A creative outlet that does not take up space in my house.  Where unfinished projects are just a folder in my avatar's inventory or scattered in the sky.  Out of sight, out of mind.
   
   Completing them does not matter, what mattered was the alchemy of releasing karma into art and the fuel of vajra inspiring something new. Goddess set me on learning all the tech including scripting for machinima, and I have never done any machinima. Yet.

Barbara Sher (RIP )    wrote a book about people she called Scanners, who are not made to have just one interest, one career.  She devoted her life to help people find their destiny basically by examining their talents and interests.  She gives lots of case studies and quotes from people she has helped and when it comes down to it, their biggest issue was the expectations of those around them.
 
yet it was right after applying for it that the gates of heaven opened and the strongest creative ideas and inspiration came through, what will likely be the best work I produce in the immediate future.

   I still do not know the words for the momentum of creativity that is the alchemy cycle with the Vajra energy.  The vortex handles most of what is incoming but the sticky that people don't want to let go, that lands like lint regardless is best transmuted by any creative activity except cooking. The vajra energy that comes as a result of the alchemy may go in a different direction. from the activity that inspired it. 
   
   You were set up, to see something about the flow of life, I find hard to put into words. One door closes, another opens might be the best summary.  The letting go and the return on investment can turn on a dime to an unexpected direction and it is all part of the flow. 

I bought a boat, very little about it has gone as planned, but it has taken me some interesting turns.
I bought it with intention to convert it to electric. Was going to cost about $8k.  Then one day I thought to add up the gas to go to the marina and it was way more than the rarely driven boat was ever going to use. I decided to spend the money on a car instead and found Evie, 2012 mitsubishi MiEV for 8k and it has been great!   
   People think you cannot get an electric car for less than $30k but Goddess provides.

  As we were saying goodnight, hub asked about a bus I was really interested in buying a few days ago, that he liked so much he offered to kick in $5k.  I told him "I have realized it is an escapist fantasy."
  I have been shopping for a bus since dec. because I miss teaching live, I am very motivated to teach the new ptsd stuff. I think a mobile classroom would be very cool, film it for youtube,  and also dog friendly.  Found exactly what I have been looking for, a Krystal Coach Mini-limo bus in shiny condition with the 7.3 diesel engine, < 30' long.... at about double what I want to pay. The bus was perfect like "Goddess provides" hit every item on my wish list except cost.
  Wanna see?  https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/783350629622292/

  The price was like the universe asking, 'How much do you really want it?'
 
  I recall Ram Dass responding to someone in a similar situation, “you’ll finish it someday.”
   
    Nope. Those attachments can build up.
   
    Better to assume you won't, or unfinished projects pile up, become like an albatross weighing you down. Give yourself permission to abandon projects, or release them incompleted because nobody else can see the art in your mind and they won't know most of the time.
   
    Chuck Jones, creator of  Bugs Bunny said "An artists work is never completed, only abandoned." Love that.
   
    FST itself, has never been completed. I started with a business partner who insisted it open anyway, ROI.  It is possible that it never would have opened it if not for him insisting we going ahead anyway. ADHD perfectionism especially when an error means karma landing on me for the result of bad advice.
   
    I used to abandon paintings when they stopped looking like the image in my head, before realizing the art has its own mind about what it wants to become.
   
     No idea if any of that was helpful. Great to hear from you, please do keep us updated.