I am currently struggling with cynicism - especially about men and their ability to love.

There is a part of me that is deeply cynical of almost every man* I meet - he will be nice till you keep giving him what he wants and then he will just fuck off to do what his ego wants.
As a gay man who grew up in a very homophobic society, I got into a lot of unhealthy relationships because I believed that's all I deserved or could possibly have.
I just accepted that it was OK for a guy to kiss me behind close doors and then walk separately in public avoiding eye contact as if we never met before.
May be because I never saw two men romantically holding hands in public where I grew up, I just accepted the bargain to split myself - lover behind closer doors and stranger in public.
At times, I feel so jaded that I am not even sure if anyone ever really desired me or just wanted me around because of what I could do for him.
I know a few people who say that they are afraid of men because of their own traumatic past.
I am not afraid of men but I do feel a deep distrust and at times heartbroken.
I try to remain open minded and not be judgmental but I slip into the cynical view that most men are just needy children in adult bodies (although this is true for all of us I suppose).
Online dating in general is a dumpster fire and being on online dating sites makes me feel even more cynical and depressed about humanity.
There have been times when I wished there was a pill to make my need for companionship completely disappear (emotional equivalent of chemical castration?).
Sometimes I tell myself that romantic love is not for everyone but I don't know why I still have the desire for one.

* I have some male friends who are loving and kind. I have learned to slowly trust them over time because they have loved me generously in the past and have taught me how to be a more loving person. I use them as a reminder in my life when I get too cynical about men in general.

I have been patiently trying to rebuild myself by forgiving, loving, and giving gratitude.
There have been improvements in my own self love.
But at times, I feel so heartbroken that I just want to scream the pain out but cannot.
I withdraw, make myself numb, and just try to go through the motions of life... but then Goddess brings desires and bodily needs that drag me towards wanting to connect with another.

Sometimes I am so angry at Goddess - What kind of sick game is this? Have my heart broken repeatedly but also keep sowing desires? How long must I beg to take away my pain? What more do You want me to give up? Why won't You take away this desire for companionship if I cannot have a companion? What kind of grail bearer can I be with a broken heart and cynicism? You are my mother and I am your child wailing in pain. I don't know how else to ask You to take my pain. Who else can I turn to, if not You?

Hi Gopi..

Your struggle is harsh. It’s not a place to wish on anyone. I’m so sorry for your pain.

My thought is that the empty space where a companion may reside is there, to be witnessed. Sit with it, summon your DB…fill that space with you and him. Ask your DB..are you meeting the same other, over and over, until you see what the other mirrors? Goddess may be providing you insights not yet understood. 

Namaste

Dear Priestess,

Thank you for your kind words of support.

Priestesssss wrote: "My thought is that the empty space where a companion may reside is there, to be witnessed. Sit with it, summon your DB…fill that space with you and him. Ask your DB..are you meeting the same other, over and over, until you see what the other mirrors? Goddess may be providing you insights not yet understood"

A much needed reminder - thank you.
Mystress has been guiding me with the same lesson - sit with Higher Self and witness.
I am emotionally exhausted and at times feel a lot of sadness that does not have any specific cause.
I have loving friends and for that I am grateful.

Namaste!
Gopi