Today was one of THOSE days...seems a lot of us are sharing this cycle right now, from the posts I've been reading.  Just had some nasty reflections in my mirror...seeing places within me that I do not like at all.  Places that I've constructed to make myself feel "special,unique"...all that false stuff. I don't know if I can feel very loving towards these places, but the tendency to bash myself about it is something I can seem to avoid, at least.  So, I just let myself feel crummy and then let it go...

 A familiar emptiness came over me.  I've been through this cycle before, and thought the emptiness was deppressing.  There's nothing I feel I want, not so many thoughts to think.  But, it's like looking in the mirror and no one is there.  one single thought occurs " I am nothing, I am everything.."  Is this the emptiness I'm shooting for?"  

 In the past, I've felt like a bit of a zombie here.  I'm a passionate person I guess, but I don't want any false form.  I was thinking last week, of when I was quite young around the age of 4.  I felt connected to everyone and everything.  I even had a spirit playmate who I never even realized no one else saw, until the reactions around me registered "I'm doing something wrong"-Then I started to build a form(ego?)-make up ideas and opinions about myself(and therefore others) because people around me seemed agitated by the formless me.  Wow, I wish I hadn't done such a good job on my ego sculpture.

 Now I see a reason for this emptiness. It is peaceful. Sometimes when I am high energy I can stay in the witness state awhile, and this is like this (or maybe it's the same thing) I just feel tired now.  Guess I'll go crash.
                          Shara

PS:  Good to read your post Carla.  

although things may feel uncomfortable now, it sounds like you are going through a wonderful death and rebirth right now...

the ego shell you developed when you were 4 was something you created to protect your fragile young self from a world that is too babyish to accept newly evolved people... so when you can, try to love and be grateful to that shell for protecting you... you are getting ready to give it away, and it is sensitive... so treat it like a child, and show it some appreciation before it crumbles into dust (if you can)...

the emptiness is just a stage you feel when one way of looking at things disappears... be patient with this state, instead of concerned... you are ready to see and feel a magical world that will be so much more than what you left behind with your invisible friend so many years ago... and now you are strong enough to handle it around people who mostly live with different perceptions...

i can feel this in my heart as i read your words... you are doing things well, and the new and miraculous is surrounding you... you will be able to see it more completely very soon... hang in there...

warmly,

percyval

: Hello Everyone,

:    Today was one of THOSE days...seems a lot of us are sharing this cycle right now, from the posts I've been reading.  Just had some nasty reflections in my mirror...seeing places within me that I do not like at all.  Places that I've constructed to make myself feel "special,unique"...all that false stuff. I don't know if I can feel very loving towards these places, but the tendency to bash myself about it is something I can seem to avoid, at least.  So, I just let myself feel crummy and then let it go...

:   A familiar emptiness came over me.  I've been through this cycle before, and thought the emptiness was deppressing.  There's nothing I feel I want, not so many thoughts to think.  But, it's like looking in the mirror and no one is there.  one single thought occurs " I am nothing, I am everything.."  Is this the emptiness I'm shooting for?"  

:   In the past, I've felt like a bit of a zombie here.  I'm a passionate person I guess, but I don't want any false form.  I was thinking last week, of when I was quite young around the age of 4.  I felt connected to everyone and everything.  I even had a spirit playmate who I never even realized no one else saw, until the reactions around me registered "I'm doing something wrong"-Then I started to build a form(ego?)-make up ideas and opinions about myself(and therefore others) because people around me seemed agitated by the formless me.  Wow, I wish I hadn't done such a good job on my ego sculpture.

:   Now I see a reason for this emptiness. It is peaceful. Sometimes when I am high energy I can stay in the witness state awhile, and this is like this (or maybe it's the same thing) I just feel tired now.  Guess I'll go crash.
:                            Shara

: PS:  Good to read your post Carla.  

Percyval,

  It was good to read your kind and encouraging words.  When you wrote about me creating my shell to protect myself, I softened towards it a bit.  It is more than just some obstacle to get past, and your perspective will help me to take that more gentle approach I need.  It also helps to know that this list is a place where I am understood.  Thanks, Shara

: although things may feel uncomfortable now, it sounds like you are going through a wonderful death and rebirth right now...

: the ego shell you developed when you were 4 was something you created to protect your fragile young self from a world that is too babyish to accept newly evolved people... so when you can, try to love and be grateful to that shell for protecting you... you are getting ready to give it away, and it is sensitive... so treat it like a child, and show it some appreciation before it crumbles into dust (if you can)...

: the emptiness is just a stage you feel when one way of looking at things disappears... be patient with this state, instead of concerned... you are ready to see and feel a magical world that will be so much more than what you left behind with your invisible friend so many years ago... and now you are strong enough to handle it around people who mostly live with different perceptions...

: i can feel this in my heart as i read your words... you are doing things well, and the new and miraculous is surrounding you... you will be able to see it more completely very soon... hang in there...

: warmly,

: percyval

:
: : Hello Everyone,

: :    Today was one of THOSE days...seems a lot of us are sharing this cycle right now, from the posts I've been reading.  Just had some nasty reflections in my mirror...seeing places within me that I do not like at all.  Places that I've constructed to make myself feel "special,unique"...all that false stuff. I don't know if I can feel very loving towards these places, but the tendency to bash myself about it is something I can seem to avoid, at least.  So, I just let myself feel crummy and then let it go...

: :   A familiar emptiness came over me.  I've been through this cycle before, and thought the emptiness was deppressing.  There's nothing I feel I want, not so many thoughts to think.  But, it's like looking in the mirror and no one is there.  one single thought occurs " I am nothing, I am everything.."  Is this the emptiness I'm shooting for?"  

: :   In the past, I've felt like a bit of a zombie here.  I'm a passionate person I guess, but I don't want any false form.  I was thinking last week, of when I was quite young around the age of 4.  I felt connected to everyone and everything.  I even had a spirit playmate who I never even realized no one else saw, until the reactions around me registered "I'm doing something wrong"-Then I started to build a form(ego?)-make up ideas and opinions about myself(and therefore others) because people around me seemed agitated by the formless me.  Wow, I wish I hadn't done such a good job on my ego sculpture.

: :   Now I see a reason for this emptiness. It is peaceful. Sometimes when I am high energy I can stay in the witness state awhile, and this is like this (or maybe it's the same thing) I just feel tired now.  Guess I'll go crash.
: :                            Shara

: : PS:  Good to read your post Carla.  

:    Today was one of THOSE days...seems a lot of us are sharing this cycle right now, from the posts I've been reading.  Just had some nasty reflections in my mirror...seeing places within me that I do not like at all.  Places that I've constructed to make myself feel "special,unique"...all that false stuff. I don't know if I can feel very loving towards these places, but the tendency to bash myself about it is something I can seem to avoid, at least.  So, I just let myself feel crummy and then let it go...

:   A familiar emptiness came over me.  I've been through this cycle before, and thought the emptiness was deppressing.  There's nothing I feel I want, not so many thoughts to think.  But, it's like looking in the mirror and no one is there.  one single thought occurs " I am nothing, I am everything.."  Is this the emptiness I'm shooting for?"  

I sometimes think that we are programmed by television to think life is supposed to be one big drama after another. The simplicity of peace is so undervalued that people who experience it feel like something is missing, and wonder if they are unwell.

 Yes, Shara... you faced the shadow, surrendered, and now there is the peace of being nothing. Lovely, isn't it? It just gets deeper and deeper, as we cherish it above all drama.  

:   In the past, I've felt like a bit of a zombie here.  I'm a passionate person I guess, but I don't want any false form.  I was thinking last week, of when I was quite young around the age of 4.  I felt connected to everyone and everything.  I even had a spirit playmate who I never even realized no one else saw, until the reactions around me registered "I'm doing something wrong"-Then I started to build a form(ego?)-make up ideas and opinions about myself(and therefore others) because people around me seemed agitated by the formless me.  Wow, I wish I hadn't done such a good job on my ego sculpture.

Growing one is natural and an important stage of growth, as Percyval so eloquently expressed. just because you built it, does not mean you have to live there. It fulfilled its purpose, and the time, and now you have seen the forest beyond the trees, and are growing out of it.

  Passion comes of the moment, the spontaneous tears and energy orgasms of a lovely sunrise. The hundred little ways that beauty reaches out to touch you, every day. Remain in the peace, and passion comes to seek you out, like the mountain to Mohammed. It is not even about following your bliss... bliss comes knocking at the door.

 Drama, is complaining that todays sunrise is not so lovely as yesterdays, and hoping tomorrows
sunrise is better, and has more of that shade of mauve that you liked so much. It masquerades as passion, but it is really dissatisfaction. Ego is the part of you that wants to change things. Peace, sees perfection in what Is.

  Thanks for sharing, this is lovely.
    Blessings...

:   Now I see a reason for this emptiness. It is peaceful. Sometimes when I am high energy I can stay in the witness state awhile, and this is like this (or maybe it's the same thing) I just feel tired now.  Guess I'll go crash.
:                            Shara

: PS:  Good to read your post Carla.  

: although things may feel uncomfortable now, it sounds like you are going through a wonderful death and rebirth right now...

: the ego shell you developed when you were 4 was something you created to protect your fragile young self from a world that is too babyish to accept newly evolved people... so when you can, try to love and be grateful to that shell for protecting you... you are getting ready to give it away, and it is sensitive... so treat it like a child, and show it some appreciation before it crumbles into dust (if you can)...

: the emptiness is just a stage you feel when one way of looking at things disappears... be patient with this state, instead of concerned... you are ready to see and feel a magical world that will be so much more than what you left behind with your invisible friend so many years ago... and now you are strong enough to handle it around people who mostly live with different perceptions...

: i can feel this in my heart as i read your words... you are doing things well, and the new and miraculous is surrounding you... you will be able to see it more completely very soon... hang in there...

: warmly,

: percyval

:
: : Hello Everyone,

: :    Today was one of THOSE days...seems a lot of us are sharing this cycle right now, from the posts I've been reading.  Just had some nasty reflections in my mirror...seeing places within me that I do not like at all.  Places that I've constructed to make myself feel "special,unique"...all that false stuff. I don't know if I can feel very loving towards these places, but the tendency to bash myself about it is something I can seem to avoid, at least.  So, I just let myself feel crummy and then let it go...

: :   A familiar emptiness came over me.  I've been through this cycle before, and thought the emptiness was deppressing.  There's nothing I feel I want, not so many thoughts to think.  But, it's like looking in the mirror and no one is there.  one single thought occurs " I am nothing, I am everything.."  Is this the emptiness I'm shooting for?"  

: :   In the past, I've felt like a bit of a zombie here.  I'm a passionate person I guess, but I don't want any false form.  I was thinking last week, of when I was quite young around the age of 4.  I felt connected to everyone and everything.  I even had a spirit playmate who I never even realized no one else saw, until the reactions around me registered "I'm doing something wrong"-Then I started to build a form(ego?)-make up ideas and opinions about myself(and therefore others) because people around me seemed agitated by the formless me.  Wow, I wish I hadn't done such a good job on my ego sculpture.

: :   Now I see a reason for this emptiness. It is peaceful. Sometimes when I am high energy I can stay in the witness state awhile, and this is like this (or maybe it's the same thing) I just feel tired now.  Guess I'll go crash.
: :                            Shara

: : PS:  Good to read your post Carla.  

Dear Shara,

Thank you for putting my feelings down so completly for me.  I have been wanting to post my very similar feelings, but did not know how to express them adequately.   You pretty much summed them up.. For sometime (years, in fact) I have been on anti-depressants for clinical depression.  Approximately 6 weeks ago, I took myself off of them.  I still have panic attacks, but even they are becoming fewer.  While feeling the emptiness (that you so eloquently described), and not knowing whether it was residual after-effects of the medications or whether I (or my ego perhaps) was doing something so wrong that I had stopped the energy process....your post, along with Percival's and Mystress's helped me to understand that maybe I am not a lost cause.  
Thank you to each of you,
Roxanne

  It's good to know that this thread touched a chord for you.  I have been very comforted both reading and expressing our common experiences here in this forum. Thanks to Mystress and Percyval I am clearer on this part of the process, also.  I am just beginning to see what peace really is-on a much deeper level.  Don't ever doubt yourself, Roxanne, it's taken me quite awhile!

  I find that I learn things in layers, like an onion.  It sinks in a little deeper with experience.  The other night my fortune cookie said, "Time and patience are the great healers."  I liked that one.

 Several years ago I experienced a "Dark Night of the Soul" where I felt everything had been emptied out of me.  I felt I had nothing to hang on to, and I have heard so many other's describe this.  When I came out of the "Dark Night" there I was wanting to FEEL something again.  I did not recognize this emptiness for what it was...Goddess emptied me of my illusion.  Now, I dive into the water of illusion and play around, but if I form a strong attachment....OOPS there I go again!  That surrender, then emptiness.  But now I'm starting to understand that something amazing is starting to fill that empty space.  The best description I could give would be to call it connection. So there is light at the end of the dark night.   Shara

: Dear Shara,

: Thank you for putting my feelings down so completly for me.  I have been wanting to post my very similar feelings, but did not know how to express them adequately.   You pretty much summed them up.. For sometime (years, in fact) I have been on anti-depressants for clinical depression.  Approximately 6 weeks ago, I took myself off of them.  I still have panic attacks, but even they are becoming fewer.  While feeling the emptiness (that you so eloquently described), and not knowing whether it was residual after-effects of the medications or whether I (or my ego perhaps) was doing something so wrong that I had stopped the energy process....your post, along with Percival's and Mystress's helped me to understand that maybe I am not a lost cause.  
: Thank you to each of you,
: Roxanne