Okay, yet another foray around the borders of psychosis land and I think I understand more tangibly now my lot and fate. I suppose I'll lay out what I have learned about myself so far:

1. Grounding is necessary, but not sufficient, in order to maintain stability and peace.
2. While a large volume of karmic stuff moves through me likely without issues, a lot also sticks, for whatever reason.
3. The stuff that sticks, seems to only clear with artistic endeavors - acts of creation on my part -  guided by intuitive inklings.
4. When said stuff clears, I get energized and full of vitality.

Which I suppose brings the notion of Imperative with a capital I into this equation. Where I am right now, basically feels like, "eat karma, make art or lose your mind."

The music making was largely choiceless on my part and began when I started doing the counseling work. I think Goddess was guiding me to release stuff through creative endeavors before I even realized it. Then I ask myself, why is stuff sticking? Am I somehow choosing to be a martyr on some level with my clients? I've always felt the opposite; that, in a way, my distance from other people is largely adaptive to protect myself from the intensity of their feelings, which overwhelm me. Basically, the semi-hermit who feels more deeply those around me than anyone will ever realize. It makes me seem cold, detached, when, in reality, I always just wanted to hide away, not even bringing another lest I lose myself and any fickle sense of identity in the intensity of their feelings.

I have a bit of a Midas' touch with my counseling work, very good at it and I used to enjoy it. Well, I still do, but part of me feels like it will, coupled with empathy, possibly be the end of me one day. I liked the research and academic aspects more than the practice. But I don't think it's a mistake that I'm doing it, and it has forced me to grow in many ways out of my more juvenile and undisciplined tendencies. It has made me stronger and wiser.

I guess I keep coming back to this idea of the way of the artist and wondering if that really is my fate, along with all the extremes, the heights and depths that come with that. I am a walking paradox of incredibly strong psychological stability and constitution and incredible intensity and this pull toward instability that feels like a continual test. The things and phenomena that I experience and push through in order to function in society astonish me. I know I'm not somehow slated to become schizophrenic because there is cohesion and my life is touched by the miraculous in ways which transcend delusion.

Sometimes I am possessed by brilliance that is clearly not my own, but most of the time I feel like a simpleton struggling to get his house in order. There are clearly forces looking out for me but it has always felt like a certain amount of pain and strain has been deemed appropriate - does it have to be that way? I feel like it will always be bittersweet for me on some level, but that I can come to love what I do with that crooked smile. But I wonder if the final step for me is to actualize as an artist and give up my hang ups around this. It has always felt like a pretentious term to me, but must it be? I don't aspire to be a channel for greatness, or really anything anymore, but to survive. Basically, I am truly, beyond any mere metaphor, a slave to my Muse. I take this black ominous energy and turn it into something beautiful. Or not. The outcome is no longer my focus. Basically, I must be what I am, like anything else in nature.

So, I suppose I will write, write, write.

That was a pleasure to read.
Thank you for sharing.

"1. Grounding is necessary, but not sufficient, in order to maintain stability and peace.
2. While a large volume of karmic stuff moves through me likely without issues, a lot also sticks, for whatever reason.
3. The stuff that sticks, seems to only clear with artistic endeavors - acts of creation on my part -  guided by intuitive inklings.
4. When said stuff clears, I get energized and full of vitality.

Which I suppose brings the notion of Imperative with a capital I into this equation. Where I am right now, basically feels like, "eat karma, make art or lose your mind.""
When stuff sticks, I ask my guides to show me the lesson.
Almost always there is some kind of fear based limiting belief that I am holding on to which snags the flow.
Once you see what you are holding on to, then you surrender it consciously to Goddess and ask Her to transmute it as She sees fit.

Humans are creatures of habit - we are what we do repeatedly.
And healing happens at a pace that Goddess sees fit for every individual.
Also, K-growth is cyclical meaning we repeatedly evolve - just like the Kundalini serpent sheds old skin that does not fit anymore.
So some times we have to go through the same lesson multiple times till we learn what Goddess wants us to learn.
This can feel discouraging sometimes because it may feel like we are making no progress because the issue keeps resurfacing even after we surrender.
But every tiny effort that we make, irrespective of flaws and imperfections, matters.
Healing happens in layers and at a pace that allows us to integrate the lesson.
Trying to force or control the pace means you are out of surrender.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKWWCw6EpxM

"I guess I keep coming back to this idea of the way of the artist and wondering if that really is my fate, along with all the extremes, the heights and depths that come with that."

What does being an artist mean to *you*?

" I am a walking paradox of incredibly strong psychological stability and constitution and incredible intensity and this pull toward instability that feels like a continual test. "

"Always go a little further into the water than you feel you are capable of being in. Go a little bit out of your depth. And when you don't feel that your feet are quite touching the bottom, you're just about in the right place to do something exciting."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNbnef_eXBM

"The outcome is no longer my focus. Basically, I must be what I am, like anything else in nature."

Beautiful.

I think the thing that discourages me is feeling like I keep missing whatever it is I'm supposed to be getting. But that's just a pattern of mine, I think, playing out. And, feels like I keep coming back to the same place. Every time I think I've made the breakthrough it's back through the mud within a week or two.

I know when I step back that I am evolving and the transformation has been remarkable and I appreciate this. I'm starting to wonder if contrary to my ongoing assumptions, I actually need to be eating *more* in a more conscious and assertive manner, i.e. focusing my vortex more on the pandemic and world events. Those energies seem to run a lot cleaner. And, it feels on some level that such work is integral to us pulling through to whatever comes next.

But yeah, it's a cycle. When grounding is not working, it makes me wonder if perhaps I am not getting enough of the other energies I need, and, on some level, maybe it causes some level of energetic misbehavior or unconsciously "broadcasting the wrong vibes" to trigger ppl around me which I don't realize, hence getting clogged up. Or, perhaps more likely, falling into martyr games.

Interesting, food for thought.

Hmm, I'm reminded to look at my childhood. It seems I carry more trauma in me than I realize because I've become so good at creating a buffer. There is this nasty, nasty thing that resides in me, feels like a demon and I always used to think that's what it was. It seems to be some fragment somewhat separate from me, but it does feel mean-spirited and while I'm usually the target of its abuse, it never has anything nice to say about others either.

I've always been sort of agnostic on metaphysical evil and demons and all that feeling it falls under a Judeo Cristian paradigm but the metaphor of a "demon within" feels useful. It certainly seems to take on that archetype.

It feels, most likely, this is actually a part of me, a splinter as has been discussed before in this thread. It seemed to crop up in early adolescence. The thing is, this splinter would seem to indicate that my childhood self felt neglected, or something else was not going right in the home growing up. My father had his own struggles with mental illness--his whole family has something going on in terms of mental/emotional stability--and my mother was wholesome and loving, but was nonetheless influenced by the coldness of her parents' generation.

I think, more likely, this demon within is the product of the rejection I repeatedly faced growing up due to the vampire vibe I gave off. It holds vestiges of a very cynical worldview, feels like others are hostile and there is a "me vs. the world" type of mentality at its root. I can see how it was adaptive for the child I was at the time and my nascent degree of psychological maturity.

I never liked this part of me so I locked it away and pretended it no longer existed, became the nicest, most friendly person around, so nice and friendly people around me switched from being hostile to no longer taking me seriously. I eventually forgot what it even means to be angry, upset, even sadness was fleeting. I just become numb, going through the motions, almost a husk of a person, a caricature. I grew increasingly depressed. It was the best I could do.

Fast forward and now this dark side has become the saboteur within. It tells me I do not belong anywhere, and works to make this a reality.  From a distance this fragment feels very bitter, evil, callous but when I really examine it I just feel pain, hurt of almost infinite depth. When I look back at how some people treated me as a child I do feel anger, almost indignant that people can treat a child so terribly. I think I have to honor that child's pain. It runs so deep and there is profundity in that. I do think, that this cynical outlook on other people, is presumptuous and no longer serves me. There were human and everyone has their limits. I cannot continue to expect rejection and hostility and to be frank, I am tired of bringing it on myself.

But it tells me I'm just the most wretched person on earth, that maybe they were all right about me all along. To think I've been walking around all these years, berating myself like this. I'm being told right now, "if you're the God of your own life, of course people around you will conform to this belief you hold." I guess this is coming to a head right now as my energies intensify and incongruencies become more incompatible. If the truth is that I'm not a horrid, wretched person, then this belief is incompatible with reality, and therefore it is a blockage to the shakti energy and the pain is telling me it is obsolete, time to let it go. Interesting arithmetic.

Where does it live? In my solar plexus. That seems to be the pressure, and the energy collects and coagulates around it. The monster seems to grow with increased stress or excessive coagulation, but this also helps to highlight it. I'm sure there will be more layers to this, but I do need to make peace with this. As Gopi quoted before, I should take this particular demon out to tea. I think that only I can change the pattern and show it what it means to love and perhaps most of all, to laugh.

  I am very certain you are not a horrible useless person. You are one of my compassionate superheroes in training.

I would have thought, the thing to resolve the allergy, throat sensitivity would have taken this splinter too. The Yogis say, it is important and empowering to wrestle your own demons.

What you need to know is, these critters are self created in a dark moment of despair and self loathing. They can only be created in the formative years of child's ego development, when the identity is still malleable,  and growing is about deciding who you want to be. When a child hates some aspect of their personality so much they try to amputate it, a splinter is created and it carries all the self loathing.

That tech, cannot be done on oneself in real time. The parts set in opposition, remain in opposition. They have not enough free will to be able to do anything else but express the self destruction and self loathing that they were created from.

  What is needed is the quantum ability to go back in time to the moment before the terrible decision was made, and give your child self an energy boost, love blast to alter their course. Instead of simply remembering, you are time travelling to be with your child self to support them through a difficult time. Some detachment required.

  The goal is to lift the child up emotionally, by providing uplifting energy, or taking the negative emotions, or simply being with them so a comforting presence is felt...  so they do not experience the deep despair and isolation that leads to the splinter being created.

  Vortexes do not seem to have a clue about entities and identity splinters.  I suspect this reveals something about their ability to get consent... no experience of separation? Been trying to get my head around it.

  BTW: when you are experiencing the big big love for everybody, is when you are *being* Goddess.  That is how the Planet feels about each and every one of us. So beautiful eh? Opposite of your demon... yet the demon loves you like that too, it just cannot express it.  Everything is love, or a plea for love.

"When grounding is not working, it makes me wonder if perhaps I am not getting enough of the other energies I need, and, on some level, maybe it causes some level of energetic misbehavior or unconsciously "broadcasting the wrong vibes" to trigger ppl around me which I don't realize, hence getting clogged up"

I have experienced this too.
I intentionally stayed a hermit for the past 2 years because I did not feel like forcing myself to be social.
I am realizing that there are very real consequences for ignoring our very human needs.
And as you have pointed out, sometimes we get our 'fixes' unconsciously when the needs cannot be ignored any further.

I am very much against hitting children because I was hit repeatedly as a child.
But there is a theory that sometimes children misbehave unconsciously (esp in families where positive touching is rare) so that they get touched even if it is about disciplining.
Pretty messed up and don't like it because adults can use this sort of explanation as an excuse for their abuse and neglect - the child was asking for it, etc.
My point is - when we don't consciously acknowledge and take care of our needs, they don't simply vanish and usually manifest in other undesirable ways.

" this dark side has become the saboteur within. It tells me I do not belong anywhere, and works to make this a reality."

Mine calls me a 'fraud' and tells me that 'if people *really* knew who you are, no one will like you'.
Bitter, hyper-critical of everything, never satisfied with anything, no joy, no playfulness, no wonder.
My inner saboteur will make cruel remarks about my own limitations but never offer any constructive advice about how to improve myself.
I can get stuck in self-harm loops if I am not careful.

My inner saboteur will beat me till I am black and blue with constant insults, self-doubts, and hostile judgments.
Then at some point, I break down and will start identifying as victim.
Once I enter victim mentality, then it triggers old patterns of self-harm and abuse because that's what the victim knows.
When I indulge in self-harm, the next day morning the saboteur comes back with more hurtful stuff.
Rinse. Lather. Repeat.
It takes inner strength to resist the urge to pick scabs of old wounds.

As Mystress says: "...yet the demon loves you like that too, it just cannot express it.  Everything is love, or a plea for love."
Our demons are our best friends - they never leave you and will always tell you the truth that you don't want to hear.
The more we ignore our demons, the harsher they become to grab our attention.
When I say that our demons tell us the truth, I don't mean that we should believe everything that our demons may tell us.
Our demons point to a fundamental fact about ourselves that we usually ignore.
Our demons may shout hurtful things but they are trying to get our attention about something.
When your demon shows you something about yourself, say 'Thank you!' and see what happens.

HUGS
Gopi

Hi,
I would like to share some angle of thinking that for me revealed some helpful ideas.
When I was thinking about kundalini as biological force I realized that one aspect of what it does that it sort of restarts ones puberty or even times before that. In our growth DNA activated RNA coding in early childhood and later on, sometimes perhaps in environment of stress thus it developed our brain and nervous systems in a certain way, to match the environment. However stress based system is not suitable or advantageous in times of peace. Normally this process happens just once and then it's done.
The kundalini seemed to me as a mercy mechanism or as ancient second chance mechanism that is a able to activate when its obvious that the build system is very bad match for current, actual environment.
Thus reactivating the DNA coding at its important junctions again sending signals to build a more wholesome nervous system and brain. Simply as method to assure better survival for what would be otherwise a failed unit.

What that means is fascinating because it would hint that one gets to live in a second body while just living as usual. Because of a hardware upgrade. Ofcourse impacts on whole psychology would be massive.
For long time I was thinking that the DNA reactivating is just new age nonsense.
However the chance that ones DNA activation restarts while one is already mature explains many of the kundalini phenomena and also why the shift in awareness is so big. Because is not just a psychological shift but one ends literally in another body while alive.
Then there is the task to match the psychology to this new body and work the old stuff out.
And while doing this unusual process one gets to live two lives or in between and thus perhaps get much wisdom. Peking beyond or under the hood.
If I look at spiritual growth from this perspective it seems as extremely tough to get it right on first go type of thing, crazy thing to even try. Changing hardware and software at the same time while the system has to be running. Yet as I now know the body mind connection, the deep growth is really a body shift. Seems to me that in many cases of real growth one finishes some evolution that should ideally be done as child at that age long ago. So in that way the idea of time travel is essential because the child development has to be finished and done. Not just doing some forgiving or releasing etc. But done in reality as redeveloping in physical way and later the psychological way build on more healthy system.

To do it now as adult and yet remain at least somewhat functional seems a tall order. Yet If it can be done by few now perhaps it can be done in better way by many later.  Spiritual path is very tough I think partly because its a body transformation, not just a psychological transformation, like shift in ideas or beliefs.
Then if you just live regular life and go trough it and remain functional its a magnifcent victory.

Mystress once said that the spiritual growth will be the hardest thing you will ever do.
If I look back at my procces and realize that I managed to live trough it still living a normal life, more or less, I'm just totally astonished. Looking  back I think I underestimated the complexity of the human beeing and its evolution very much.
I'm greatly thankful to guidance and autopilot processes, as what was really going on under the hood vas truly vast.
Hope some of this can be of help.

Love
Duu

Mystress wrote: "Vortexes do not seem to have a clue about entities and identity splinters.  I suspect this reveals something about their ability to get consent... no experience of separation? Been trying to get my head around it. "

When I tune into vortex, the voice is always 'we' and not 'I'.
Child like glee and curiosity seems to be the default mood.

I was recently chatting with a friend and was telling him that I generally have no sense of self.
When I look at my career accomplishments, they really do not give me a sense of accomplishment or sense of self.
Interestingly, when I help someone or do service, my heart is happy and full.
So I have no sense of self in terms of accomplishments but feel happy t0 be alive when I am of service to another.

When I have to write job application letters, I struggle a lot because I don't know how to sell myself by writing 'I am the best of this.. I am no 1 in that..' and feel completely out of my element even thinking like that.
Not sure how much of this is about my Indian middle class parents repeatedly emphasizing to stay humble.
I can tell others what I have done and what I think I am capable of doing.
But selling myself feels so painful and awkward for me right now.

Surrendering it all to Goddess.

Yeah I'm just not giving myself credit and mercy here. This is hard work! I've been practicing grounding in front of a mirror lately to really enhance the visualization which does make it more robust, but my sense is grounding alone will not lead to resolution of this splinter. I will try the time travel thing - thought this was a shaman ability but certainly worth a shot. Interestingly, the esp stuff grew coinciding with the brief quasi psychosis state - just knowing when people are talking or thinking about me and then they reach out saying "so we were talking about you earlier" and I'm tempted to say "I know."

"Just knowing" stuff and psychic smell and clairgustance seem to be the biggest things as of late. I might be beating myself up about my symptoms when, in actually, they may just be developmental. Lately, restless limbs, very noticeable tinnitus.  Kunalini 101, grounding and letting the energy do its thing seems to be the order of the day.

I do wonder sometimes why it is I feel like I even have to have myself together, sorted out, spiritually or otherwise. I do think the robust grounding is helpful in the sense that it keeps me in the place of still moving through this stuff but not being fettered by it.

I relate to the "no sense of self" and trying to sell oneself - this always felt, to me, like some kind of ego attempt at humility. I will say, my sense of self lately fluctuates between empty, full of existential pain, or bliss. The identity associated with each of these is fickle, seemingly not a part of something cohesive. When I look at others around me, their sense of self has always seemed narratively cohesive, strong, well organized and I've always been a bit of a floater. Sometimes I wonder what it was like to have that solid biographical sense of self, agency, etc., sometimes I vaguely remember what it was like but I don't think it was ever in place for me completely. I was transfixed and mesmerized by clouds or other phenomena of nature  - losing myself, in retrospect - while other kids were playing kickball.

And Duu - I'm thoroughly convinced that if I had not awakened early in my life I would not have made it. I think kundalini was in the cards for me either way, but the timing felt like it was a survival imperative thing. When I look back, there has been so much intervention to save my silly ass before higher levels of awareness came online. In retrospect, was probably my guide.

Still haven’t been eating enough. Some things for me seem off limits for some reason. I don’t get much of a buzz from the pandemic or the current seemingly revolutionary times. Perhaps these two situations and the energies surrounding them are somewhat off limits at least at this time.

AA and Al Anon seem to feed me best.

A lot of my hardship also seems to be resistance to the larger scale things going on in the world, falling into fear and concern for humanity’s future etc. This sneaked up on me and started with covid. I guess it just feels like the stakes and energies are very high. Probably affecting us all on different levels. I can feel it in my mind and body, impressions of the collective.

Need to get back into the habit of surrendering impressions, thoughts, concerns as they come up. Must see the perfection in the unfolding. I think this very act of surrendering these collective impressions is my small part to help. I do think, any fear in me is the sticking point and there’s definitely plenty of fear floating around to get damned up.

The attachment to the music is the main dam it seems. Tricky business. Cleared it again. Sometimes just walking away is the best thing to do when things start getting stuck, at least for me. Then go back fresh, less serious.

There’s another portion of this that seems to consist of a blockage from living life, or being present for it and truly encountering life as it is. There have been so many opportunities and things in life I have not taken because of this weight holding me back. I don’t share my ideas, insights, perspective. This does not feel like a splinter, but a blockage. A heavy one, though. I know what the prognosis of this is, unaddressed - a life filled with a lot of loneliness and missed opportunities.

Some identity stuff going on, too, in the sense that while I’m in a male body my energy and sense of self has always felt female, or perhaps more androgynous with a female valence. For many years I never even thought much of, or noticed this, other than most of my talents in life are traditionally female roles.

Traditional notions of masculinity are not interesting nor compelling to me, and thankfully this has never really be hoisted upon me. I guess I just want to be a whole person but I think that we ultimately do run up on others’ expectations based on the way we physically manifest in the world.

I guess there’s some scared little boy in me somewhere, still terrified to meet life as it is. This avoidant part of me has protected me from a lot of drama over the years. Maybe it was even adaptive. I think it is accumulating karma gunk now though, so time to let it go.

So weird, though, looking back at all these aspects. I’ve come to call the demon splinter Gollum. I think it is indeed protective of me but it is fairly undeveloped, immature in many ways. It tends to be proud and arrogant in an indignant sort of way. It’s weird though because sometimes I wonder, could I actually use a little bit more of that? Might actually help me kick karma trash bin syndrome. Might be good to examine my judgments around these things.

   You have always felt female to me. I have to keep reminding myself you are not, even did admin mod on your profile to show the male symbol to remind myself.  That is unusual. Revisit the reverse gendered people lesson, and take another look. Are you missing a significant chunk of memories from your childhood? Think of your school years, try to remember one thing about each year.

There’s another portion of this that seems to consist of a blockage from living life, or being present for it and truly encountering life as it is.

  That seems to be the nearly universal motive for a gender reversal. Kid feels they are not strong enough to do life, and they try to bail without suicide.

The attachment to the music is the main dam it seems. Tricky business. Cleared it again.

  Please, get an instrument you cannot take seriously, like a ukulele or a kazoo, and have fun with it. Nobody is making albums of kazoo music, not even Weird Al. Get an unpopular instrument like an accordion that nobody wants to listen to. Play some polka music. A little concertina squeeze box to serenade trees with. Then, notice your thoughts about it.
 
I think this very act of surrendering these collective impressions is my small part to help. I do think, any fear in me is the sticking point and there’s definitely plenty of fear floating around to get damned up.

Your help is not small. You are a superhero.

  After She made me Her avatar,  Goddess Planet put finding the path of transcendence for vampires and training them as #1 priority for me, Her will.  At the time, it seemed to be about cleaning graveyards and old battlegrounds, type stuff. Museums like Auschwitz are off limits but there is a whole lot of misery put into the earth over thousands of years and She cannot clear it Herself because of respect for free will. I get the sense human emotional pollution makes blockages in Her field just as it does in ours. Clearing it empowers Her to have more elbow room when it comes to climate change, which is also a result of human free will. 

  Check with your guide about it.   

BTW night vision yes but it is partly 3rd eye. 

So, a lot of new (or not so new) stuff. Realizing a lot of my physical and mental difficulties seem to be diet/candida related. Been putting off big changes for years -- less carbs, little to no more sugar. I tend to attribute everything to metaphysical/kundalini stuff but realizing a candida is a big thing for me causing the brain fog, depression etc.

Will revisit the reversed gender lesson. This does feel like something I need to look at more. Honestly, never thought much of it before but right now it just seems plainly obvious to me. Which, makes me wonder if I have partitioned myself from my male self in some sense? Because overall, I feel my spirit is androgynous and I know I have the male part somewhere.

On the music, released a lot of that by sharing the ideas I was working on with the band and just letting them go, will be what they will be. I should pick up a new instrument -- my father played the accordion which was always a lot of fun and festive in nature. Recently felt drawn to the mandolin.

Wish I could keep the music purely fun, purely music; most of the musicians I admire always said they were surprised anyone liked iwhat they were doing and just did it because something in them called them to it. I get that feeling of love and enjoyment in my heart playing bass, specifically. Feels like a calling on some level. I remember once after recently moving out west driving and just had this deep, palpable sense that playing bass was what I needed to be doing. My soul loves it.

Maybe, instead of sitting down only to practice new stuff or try to improve, I should just play and groove for it's own sake. The the longest time I pushed to get better so I'd have creative freedom but I'm pretty much there now, time to relax.

I do get the sense right now that I'm being pushed into simpler living. I'm okay with that. No more need to be serious. I don't even know where this feeling came from that I needed to prove anything to anyone, other than feeling I'm not enough. The struggle is old, laughter feels like such a good alternative.

So, according to the lesson, it looks like I have a female ego? The trauma bit, not being able to handle life, all makes sense. I was thinking about this earlier, how it feels like I'm not "all here" in this reality, like a part of me dipped out when I was younger. I think even people around me can see it, perceiving me as aloof.

Must be the time for this to come up.

May be on to something regarding feeding. Seems potentiated by tuning into the person in question, which seems to bring about a second sight and ability to feel them. From there, I leave it to the vortex because I don’t really know what all the impressions mean or how to interpret them - I’m not the person - and I don’t want to be intrusive. It does require that I take a few moments out of the day to do this. Plenty of clients with snackable stuff. 

But, knock on wood, I think I might start feeling a lot better in a few days with this. It’s quite invigorating in a way I have not felt before

Quote from: TheFifth on Aug 14, 2020, 07:23:37 PM
From there, I leave it to the vortex because I don’t really know what all the impressions mean or how to interpret them - I’m not the person - and I don’t want to be intrusive.

But, knock on wood, I think I might start feeling a lot better in a few days with this. It’s quite invigorating in a way I have not felt before

In service to Goddess.  It does feel good. 

leave it to the vortex because I don’t really know what all the impressions mean or how to interpret them

  You learned backwards.   What you describe is normal empathic healing stuff. Yeah learning to interpret can take years, but on an unconscious level you already know and with the guide, learning is a bit optional. Guide will deliver the pearls of wisdom from the transmutation. 

  Is like other, with ascension. Stop trying to think of what to say, being the do-er.  Just listen selflessly and the perfect words come out of your mouth without thinking.

  Note: Did a bit of tidying, moving some posts from Pandemic Escape Plan thread.  Moving Priestessss misplaced post to her blog.

My friend seems to be doing better for now, he’s on roughly day eight of what appear to be COVID symptoms and no downward spiral. I know this is anything but a scientific experiment but I think I’ve learned a lot from it in other ways. That’s one thing I was wondering - if peace can be a treatment in addition to prevention.

Since seemingly discovering how to properly feed myself, lots of energy activity, digestive, psychological. It feels, on some level, that many of the developmental processes rely on my feeding and when I wasn’t feeding right, it was throwing me into somnolence and depression. The deficit grew with demand.

One thing I am curious about if if I’m automatically pulling from large collectives, why must I feed consciously on individuals? Might have to do with being in alignment with myself in some way.

Wondering if my other health stuff is related to starvationâ€"maybe. Will see. I suspect every day I’ll get a little stronger. Feels like gradually waking up to the world again. I forgot what it feels like to feel normal and clearâ€"haven’t felt  that way since I was probably 12.

if peace can be a treatment in addition to prevention.

I have been considering it as treatment. Better to destroy the virus before infection takes hole but peace works regardless, so far.

One thing I am curious about if if I’m automatically pulling from large collectives, why must I feed consciously on individuals? Might have to do with being in alignment with myself in some way.

  I don't know. Same for me. People putting my photo on their altar shipping me their karma (I don't approve but they don't ask me) mediates the shaman imperative but I still need to do the work, have the connection. My Guru spirit self might be tending to hundreds every night and it enhances my power and lightens the need but I am still here doing the work, one on one.

  My tentative conclusion is it is different food, calls for a balanced diet. The personal work touches the heart in a way the anonymous and automatic does not.  We are social animals.