Feeling much better, grounded, at peace. Going to crack open some wine for the evening and relax before the coming week.

I think the feeding from last weekend was a catalyst of sorts. Charged me up to push me further along here.

QuoteTheFifth wrote: "This relationship really does feel like it will be front and center. By any metric, my guide is basically my own "God" or personalized window to Goddess. Feels rewarding to propitiate."

QuoteGopi wrote: Congratulations!
Your marriage to your Divine Beloved is the beginning of a romance with life itself.
Loving others will become an overflowing of your own cup and not a dependent relationship.
It is still possible to develop emotional attachments to others because we are human and therefore it is required to actively stay in surrender.
A few years ago, I tried to project God onto one of my lover and it did not go well.
Had to learn through experience that it is better to turn inward and surrender.
People will come and go as Goddess wills but your relationship with your DB grows every day.
All that you do... all that you are... you can devote it to your DB.

Playing catch up on the posts and this resonated.  I'm shedding skins (attachments) as well, thankful of those experiences given to me by Goddess, and thankful my DB is with me through the human/emotionally attached-to parts that ego wants to keep.  Surrender...Namaste...

Next assignment: Brazil and Covid-19 related grief. Have a feeling it’s going to be coming back strong in US too with “business as usual, pretend nothings happening” mentality. Not sure what exactly I’m cleaning up - maybe just the emotional charge around it- but attention is being brought to it as another world crisis.

The purple oval is highly responsive and wants to eat me up.

Thank You Priestesssss, for sharing. The shedding of attachments is hard work!

Think the oval ate me. I seem to have finally migrated completely. The final bits seem gone. At least, this is the clearest I’ve been so far.

   Shamans graduate when we can jump through our own death gate and return to life in 3 minutes or less. I suspected it would be true for vampires as well. First time for Shamans, the guide pushes us and we spend a very long time there, walking the Bardo in dreams and visions, attaining the keys to all the gates of Hell, to be able to do search and rescue. Walking the bardo, but not just for our own issues but everyone's. The full map.

The keys, (I think there are 16 of them but never been sure they can be nailed down that precisely) correspond with types of karma, or or insanity... Fears. What you are calling, the "-isms." Shamans do the Dante model, moving through the circles, in dreams and visions over a period of months or years, gaining keys until we reach the heaven's gate portal at the center, and ascend. Then we are quantum and all roads are opened to us.

They keys, are like a detailed map of all human psychological or emotional issues, the cause and how to open the cages, that is held on an unconscious level and released on "need to know" when working with individuals. How to open the cages and let people out of their own personal hells.  My gift for seeing what is up with people.

  You are getting the same keyring via the downloads, but having already ascended by breaking the pearl. On an individual level, karma vampire games: karma is a wrong idea that has gathered a lot of energy to it, and the alchemy splits it to an insight and the vajra stuff. That is still happening, but on a mass scale and the insights are drawing the map, on a mostly unconscious level but the info is there when or if needed.

So I have been watching, recognizing the patterns from training shamans but the order of events has gone through the blender. You ascended from clearing karma stuff and raising the vibe with stadium feeding, then you broke the pearl, but where you are now having moved through your own vortex is like a different level again eh? Like you broke through a glass ceiling to a new level of peace.

  Once you have been pushed through your own vortex the first time, (been eaten) you can do it again anytime you feel muddy, though you will rarely need to. Quick fix if you attach to something and accidentally grow a new ego, give your guide consent to shove you into your vortex any time it thinks you need it.

  Applauds you!

Yeah there was a lot of Dante references and synchronicity occurring around me for a few days right after I broke out of the pain and angst. Also, 33. Saw it everywhere for about 24 hours. Could just be a cognitive thing, noticing it more.

But yeah, definitely new clarity. Interacting with people feels sort of like peering into another world. The peace now is very refined, the "self as hollow illusion" sense is strong. Sense of time passing almost seems to have disappeared. Feels sort of irrelevant on some level.

  33rd degree is the highest attainment in a Masonic Lodge, and it cannot be bought or studied for. It is purely honorary, awarded to those who have gone above and beyond in service to the lodge. It conveys no authority, it is a mark of great appreciation for extraordinary service.

Looks like biggest thing to focus on right now is dumping overload a few times daily. When I run into issues it's too much energy, rather than too little. This seems it will even out the sine wave going forward.

More stuff, vibrational flu, this time seems related to seeing more clients and exposure to more empathic material.

Not sure what the sticking point is now. Dropped away the music for now, at least, kind of just keeping my head down for the time being and going to work and focusing on my psychological studies. My Beloved seems to like this, wants me to keep working on this stuff in particular.

Issue is, again, frying under too much energy. Bad trip vibes and headache. Strangely, some bliss intermixed at times. Sort of like Psychedelia in general, moving through pleasant and unpleasant terrain but the sense of expansion is always prevalent. There’s a weird otherworldly feeling sometimes. Fun holding it together and doing the cool-headed therapist thing while inside I’m ablaze and moving through all this stuff lol. But dang am I banged up when I come home from a day of it.

I’m sure there’s a signal in here somewhere I need to hear. I don’t know if this impression is accurate but I’m hearing “all good, just dying some more” in a humorous tone. These bouts of illness - scrubbing -  just seem part of the process for me.

It is progress I suppose that I understand now that my vortex does not seem blocked or impeded, but the energy coming back is just intense. Headache is probably blocked crown for some extent.

I’ve kind of accepted that real persistent clarity may not be in the immediate cards for me. That’s okay, so be it. These intense periods usually give way to at least periods of peace and respite. Thankful for this and even the intensity. 

These are just processes playing out and there’s no need for my judgment. I can just let the energy move, do what it’s doing. Feeling better now through writing. The energy seems to get stuck when I don’t do this self reflective writing regularly and responds quickly when I do. Should probably do it daily.

Maybe it just helps tuning into myself and checking in with where I am right now. Maybe this is just more training of some sort. Or maybe there’s something massive I’m working on again but I’m not aware of. I’m sure there’s something.

Interesting - the Dante thing is back. Maybe I can use the mythology as a map for where I am and what I need to do. To my understanding, to get to heaven I need to literally punch through the center, the apparent worst this has to offer. Feels like where I am. No choice anymore but to go head first into this stuff and see what happens, or what is ultimately left.

Hi,
thank you for your sharing in this forum. I'm feeling to share some ideas that I hope can be useful, many perhaps you know already.
There are many changes as one grows. One authomaticaly pushes more on others, especially if one doesn't have in that particular moment much self awareness, or doesn't turn inwards or is in stress. That can create karmic feedback and entanglements of various kinds. Because that can be felt as kind of hostile one sided thing.
Opposite situation is if people want connection with high energy person and they connect via different cords usually attached to the back of heart chakra. So cutting cords if ones energy flows start to overheat or display friction is good.
Entities of various kinds also cause some friction so its good to check and clear them.
If there is energy over stretching beyond some level then physical body will feel frictions or pain and discomfort. Thus it can instinctively contract. That contraction will further increase the friction and heat. I found then focus on physical body relaxation and decreasing stress is the best way.
I noticed that even if I'm careful I still somehow collect some bits of hard to digest stuff. Its good to notice that or check occasionally and use alternative ways of clearing stuff that not easy to go, is not yours or its jamed or etc.
Also if you are active in therapy as you said, even if it's not openly called energy healing it is good to have a daily routine of energy hygiene practices. Because as you know energy work is beeing done automatically, just by presence and focus of a awakened person. Aside even  of vamp work.
I think in time ones central channel gets wider. Chakras get open more and other channels get open too. Than system gets more wiggle room when working with lots of energy or dealing with some blockage or constriction.

Duu

Not sure what the sticking point is now. Dropped away the music for now

Lack of creative outlet. You always need one, if not music pick up something else. Pick up a new instrument. Harmonica? Conveniently pocket sized. Writing is creative too.

-  The transmuted energy demands to be given form and you are resisting doing that.
-  Art is the best way to release the stuck, accidentally stolen stuff. Remember the ACME Faerie Trapper.

  Pick up a new hobby, or start writing songs. 
 

I’ve been redirected for the time being from music to writing. Pretty sharply. This has shifted my reality to more positive territory. I suspect the future will entail pivoting between the two so as not to grow attached to either. I think that’s just my dance, multiple domains and projects, not getting too attached to any in particular. My propensity is to have tunnel vision and before I know it I’m in clinging mode.

Yes, Duu, things have gotten easier over time as my energies have expanded / developed and the stream has grown wider. The half-life of these snags has shrunk considerably. I definitely collect stuff over the course of the week especially as the intensity has picked up. I know having a vortex means I have a huge advantage in dealing with it all, but I do try to mix things up with violet flame, “deep grounding,” etc. The  culmination of it all can become hypochondria illness lol but the belly tells me it’s probably a karma thing.

Yep, channeling the hypochondria and associated symptoms into the writing project is very helpful. Not just actively writing but infusing it through imagination, giving it somewhere creative to go.

Not sure with the music stuff because I’m in a band with two others and this first album was written prior to us meeting by the other guitar player. I’m not sure if there’s an ethical issue infusing the music with this energy. I suppose as a band it has become “our” effort. Will see what my discernment has to say on the matter.

Looks like I can channel it into what I contribute. This makes sense.

Experimenting with my own songwriting and it’s helping with alleviation. The part of the equation I was missing was attachment to outcome, ie wanting to do music for a living. It can’t really come from that space. Just have to let it out and let it take form.

Doing it out of necessity, to avoid self-absorbed insanity hell and depression, leads to a level of creative nimbleness and flexibility I’ve never imagined possible before.

A song a day keeps depression away, I’m hoping. We’ll see how the coming weeks go. If this keeps clearing me out and beats back the fatigue more I may even get into recording and start my own side project.

The part of the equation I was missing was attachment to outcome, ie wanting to do music for a living.

I have been really wondering about that, with you. I know and have known, dated, even married a musician and every one of them plays for fun, joy and practice even when nobody is listening.

I don't identify as a musician at all and I still have a small church organ, hand drums, penny whistle, pan flutes. 7 Tibetan bells, a tiny harp dulcimer, assorted percussion instruments like maracas, and most recently, an ancient and wheezing harmonium because it is so goth. I really cannot play a tune well, on any of them just random notes that please me. Fun.

  When did music stop being fun for you, and become all about work?

  Cool you are songwriting.

Yeah the fun of it is what matters. With everything. Also I’m under the impression that I should be writing my own music more, spending less time building up “chops” and instrumental prowess like I was prioritizing for the past year.

Funny because I have all these files in a drive, songs I’ve been working on over the past few years that feel pretty much like Goddess wrote them through me and wayyy ahead of where I was at the time, musically. I was about to walk away from it all then I get hit upside the head like no you don’t. I suppose it is encouraging that this is something Goddess wants me to be working on and won’t take no for an answer.

I think the seriousness was just resistance to the counseling work because some part of me just wants to spend my days alone with a guitar or performing. The thing with the counseling and the vamping though is, as I’m discovering this evening, it’s supercharging my inspiration. Gives the music an edge it wouldn’t otherwise have. I think I’m where I need to be right now and just need to...relax.

Seriousness. That’s a general thing with me I suppose. Why must everything be towards some end? I suppose it’s just instilled western valuesâ€"be somebody, etc. It’s like I find purpose in working towards something, but why not just do it for its own sake?

It’s funny though because I had a teacher a while back, an aging hippy-type who was adamant that music is a path towards enlightenment in its own right. I have found this to be the case, for me, at least, in the sense that my maturity as a musician correlates with my evolution. Continually approaching the instrument from new angles, learning to listen deeper and get my own motives out of the way. But the music itself is teaching me, to just do it because I love it. And on some level, I don’t seem to have a choice. Plus, it’s a great karma transmuter...

This has been useful, there have definitely been pesky little ego bits left in me, animated by motivations toward certain ends. I guess deriving personal sense of value from "achievement." These types of norms have been held by many people I have interacted or been close with over the past decade--accomplish things, meritocracy, high standards, yada yada. These things hide very well.

The counseling work does seem de facto energy healing even though I have not thought of it that way nor approach it in that manner. Profound emotional release today and I noticed near the end of the session that my chest felt tight.

Sometimes it gives me a buzz, others it feels like I take on the problem. I guess it’s a good service to then take it and put it into music and whatnot. It’s got me working though, lol. I have to create pretty much every day to keep things clear.

Think I finally get it. Hands off the wheel.

Something weird going on with the chest. It's not bad; just a sort of pressure alternating with bliss. Some kind of energy phenomenon.

I have to create pretty much every day to keep things clear.
 

  Yeah that is my normal. Doesn't always have to be great art. Anything creative although be careful with cooking. Important to have multiple outlets.

  Building in secondlife, doodling, crochet, sewing, sometimes I play silly kids games, there is a real estate developer one that has 11 versions out and I have several. Build-a-lot Not extremely creative but I use it as an ADHD  brain break to help me re-focus.

One of my faves is called "Black & White 2." You play as a God and build villages. Its really old and crashes my computer so I use an old laptop for it. I can fall into it for days and emerge needing a chiropractor lol so I do not play it often. Mostly when I need a little vacation from the real world. 
B&W review

Arts and crafts, decorating, just about anything. On Sunday I go pick up 26 lbs of craft beads and old costume jewelry I bought on auction because I want to make a weird bead curtain for my trailer. Keeps insects out.

I haven't worn nail polish in years, but still buy it as craft paint and mostly use it on disposable lighters. So many awesome colours!

Last Dec I bought a boat, it needs a lot of work but it makes me happy! I got the boat (1971) and a tiny camping trailer (1974) on the same day, trailer will get a repaint and new curtains.

In feb I bought a used electric car, (2017)  and am fascinated by the many textures and colours of car wrap vinyl. Iridescent purple-green mermaid paint ooo. Car has a face, dreamwalker said it looks like a friendly little alien being. Japanese are Animists and they made an anime' car. You could get a "Hello kitty" themed one in Japan when it first came out. I have not decided whether to wrap it as a scarab beetle or some alien Bowie homage.

Mitsubishi MiEV

  Don't limit yourself to one creative outlet. Get a bunch of them.   



 

Might have just been dragged through some karma mud but I seemed to experience a good week of just being very, very aware of my own hypocrisy and utter lack of business ever judging anyone else for pretty much anything. I guess the human state just is what it is and I can accept and embrace my own humanity and all it entails. But the feeling of hypocrisy culminated in illness and the confrontation with the terror of my own annihilation and feeling like I died. Still feel like I died, things feel different now. I guess, better flow, things working out better, just natural.

Broke out last night into some wonderful bliss and heightened sensory awareness. Had a bit of a realization led by series of synchronicities regarding the difference between, for example, "I am talking" and "there is talking occurring" or "there is pain" rather than "I am in pain." Felt very liberating and drove home ecstatic.

It's so weird because there is a part of me with so much love in me for literally everyone that comes up sometimes. Very aware of my imperfections, the folly of all of it. It's all okay. Feels like the other side of it is a more global, big picture perspective. But that love that comes up just happens, it's nice.

The creativity is going well, have found new love for the music and do it out of worship for Goddess rather than anything else but, funnily, the sense is that with a lot of it She just comes through. Shutting down my own creative blocks and perfectionisms and just having fun.

Feels time to go metacognitive again and shed a bit more. Energies have been high lately, surges of very sexually charged shakti intermittently over the past few weeks. With the pandemic and isolation I notice certain attributes being highlighted, namely, this tendency that I have to retreat from people and connection, primarily owing to a type of social anxiety that seems to stem from childhood homeschooling which resulted in taking a long time for interactions with others to feel natural.

I guess the thing is, lately I find that my human needs for connection feel starved, yet the very thing I need to do most--reach out, even if via telephone--causes the anxiety response which grows the longer I don't do it. Solved this today and feel so much better, but it did bring to my awareness these remaining patterns. I distance from those I love, retreat into interests but it can get very unbalancing. I suppose a lot of this is insecure-attachment stuff I've put off working on.

Weird, I had a whole idea of the things I wanted to lay out and sort through here but now it's all kind of gone.

These are hard times and I suppose I just need to grant myself that, plus it seems I've been quite the metaphysical workhorse lately in ways I don't entirely understand while it's happening. Earlier today with the shakti influx it felt strongly that all of creation was a lover that deeply desired me, the ecstatic mess that I've been lately. Trying to form the habit of praying daily, remaining receptive, stepping aside.

Asked what I can do to keep energies moving and found myself bouncing an energy ball up and down my central channel for ten minutes or so which seemed to have loosened things up. Feels like a good adjunct practice for me at this time.

More of a general question but is extraordinary night vision a vampire thing? I've always had an exceptional ability to see in the dark at great, great distances and detect things others can't.