Hello everyone,

It’s been some time since I last posted, and I'm oddly nervous as I write this.

I went through the FST course in 2017, into 2018.

Early on in the course, the grounding exercise brought up an old traumatic event (along with the attendant fears, judgements, and other things I’d tried to repress). That experienceâ€"although I couldn’t quite admit it to myself at the timeâ€"scared the living daylights out of me.

I posted about it at the time (my first and last post I think) and Mystress challenged me that perhaps I wasn’t ready to give my life over to the will of my soul. She was right of course, but naturally my ego saw things differently and I continued on my seemingly infinite quest to resist.

How this ended up playing out was that I wasn’t grounding properly (I was grounding by “remote control” as Mystress call it), even though I was doing the exercise 8 times a day, and did it for the full 45 days.

I only realised this when I had a moment of crisis about half way though the course, and had a guided session with Mystress, who showed me how to get into my body first, and only then do the grounding.

I remember feeling then just exactly how intense the grounding could be, and recalling my traumatic experience earlier in the year, I decided, although not altogether consciously, to avoid doing the grounding and just work though the content portions of the course.

I made it to the end, wrote my pre-graduate essay, and although Mystress was kind enough to give me access to the graduation ritual, I could feel that I’d missed something terribly important, and truly wasn’t ready to do it. So I didn’t.

However, after a considerable detour, I had the urge to start the course from the beginning again at the end of 2019. Going through the early lessons, the articles on the public site and the archives here in the Tea Room, I realised I missed about 95% of the course the first time around.

Even though it’s all here, laid out for anyone with the eyes to see:

"The three points of the triangle: grounding, surrender and discernment are what keeps you safe to have a beautiful awakening. Not that there won't be bumps along the way but not more than you can handle.  Those three things are more than lessons, they are a lifelong discipline that we try to make into a habit."

Yup. Totally missed that. (So perhaps I missed 99% of the course?)

In addition, one of the things mentioned in the Tea Room archives that hit me squarely in the gut this time around was that the way you treat and relate to the teachings in FST is the way you treat and relate to you own Divine Beloved. Which for me the first time around was casual and flippant.

Ouch. That one hurt! Lol.

Yeah, so I want to rectify that, among other things.

Anyway, like I said, I started going through the lessons at the end of last year and doing the grounding exercise properly beginning this year. I finished the 45 days last week, and while I wasn’t going to post anything until I’d finished the course, I felt moved to post today.

I’m just under halfway through the course and I wanted to post for two reasons.

The first is that I wanted to say hi (again) to you all on this journey and thank Mystress for these beautiful teachings I clearly wasn’t ready to receive the first time around.

The second reason is a little more nuanced.

In my very first post here I also spoke about a division in my body between my left and right sides. That’s still there, although each time I ground, my left side opens up more, and each time I feel the kundalini rise strongly, it feels like there’s a bit more integration between the left and right sides of my body.

However, since I did the lesson on waking the serpents, I have had some very intense experiences with kundalini. Like the freight train Mystress mentions. And a few times in the past three weeks or so it has built up until I feel like I’m starting to get sick, but then I stop, ground and surrender to it, and the pressure releases.

Doing this I’ve noticed that my resistance is like a conditioned reflex, and each time I ground and surrender the urge to hold on so tightly is a little weaker. And the karma and pieces of my treasured ego float away, given up to Goddess.

And while the energy still comes thick and fast, it’s way more manageable, strong yet subtler each time.

Through this it’s been brought to my attention that I suppress my spiritual side, and that I cut myself off from guidance for a long time, while simultaneously longing for it.

Going through FST again has opened up that side of me much more than ever before, and while the lessons have been like a lifeline, delivering exactly the right information when I needed it, I wanted to get clarity on something.

You see, even though I don’t feel nearly as blocked as I used to, recently, when the kundalini is hot, I’ve been having the sensation like I’m in a space or a room filled something amazing, like a room full of incredibly advanced technology, but it’s all turned off. What’s more, it’s pitch black in the room and I can’t even find the light switch to see what’s in there.

I can feel that something’s there, I just can’t quite seems to access it. Certainly not at will.

I just feel a bit stuck and so I have question about that.

In order to integrate, is it just a matter of time and attention, of following the course to dissolve the ego into the Divine Beloved, or is there something additional I can do?

Or perhaps I’m just overcomplicating it and missing something simple?

Hello Russ,
Welcome back!
And thank you for sharing your journey with us.

Quote"And while the energy still comes thick and fast, it’s way more manageable, strong yet subtler each time."

Yes. Grounding makes the ride smoother. It is not that you have learned to manage K energy but your surrender and grounding has helped with reducing resistance. So things go smoother.

Quote"when the kundalini is hot, I’ve been having the sensation like I’m in a space or a room filled something amazing, like a room full of incredibly advanced technology, but it’s all turned off. What’s more, it’s pitch black in the room and I can’t even find the light switch to see what’s in there.
I can feel that something’s there, I just can’t quite seems to access it. Certainly not at will."

Hehe... you got that right!
Chi energy can be directed by free will.
K energy cannot/does not work according to free will.
Kundalini is path of surrender.
Doership is ego.
Surrender means staying open without expectations (which is not always easy to do).
If you are busy looking for something specific, then you miss out on what is happening here and now.
Mystress teaches power is always here and now.

Quote"In order to integrate, is it just a matter of time and attention, of following the course to dissolve the ego into the Divine Beloved, or is there something additional I can do? "

I think you know the answer
Many seekers (including myself) want a taste of merging with the Divine Beloved.
But merging with the DB means there cannot be a separate 'you' - the clue is in the word 'merging'
There is no such thing as getting a peek at enlightenment - the only way you touch the sun is by joining the flame.
It is understandable that many of us want to hold on to that last piece of ego - that part of us which wants to first check and get proof before letting go completely.
You have come this far - don't you want to see where your path leads?

A Buddhist saying:
How do you prevent a drop of water from drying?
Throw it into the ocean!

Namaste!
Gopi

I made it to the end, wrote my pre-graduate essay, and although Mystress was kind enough to give me access to the graduation ritual, I could feel that I’d missed something terribly important, and truly wasn’t ready to do it. So I didn’t.

  It feels strange sometimes for me to be gatekeeping the grail ritual and if it feels ok to pass that job onto some's DB, I will. It felt like FST had more to offer you, and it felt like you have good sense, respect for the energies and would not try to rush anything just because you could.

However, after a considerable detour, I had the urge to start the course from the beginning again at the end of 2019. Going through the early lessons, the articles on the public site and the archives here in the Tea Room, I realised I missed about 95% of the course the first time around.

  Sometimes I get a grad essay and suggest the student start over again. Did not suggest that to you but I am glad you chose to.  Doing FST over again gives new insights regardless, a few students have done the whole thing 3x or more, or as a refresher every few years, and they get new insights each time.

Doing this I’ve noticed that my resistance is like a conditioned reflex, and each time I ground and surrender the urge to hold on so tightly is a little weaker. And the karma and pieces of my treasured ego float away, given up to Goddess.

  It is part of the nature of ego, to resist its dissolution. Even when ego is dissolved, it is human nature to want to attach to things which leads to growing a new one, so surrender is a lifelong practice. Through surrender we patiently wear away at ego as it comes up, until it loses all its power. 

You see, even though I don’t feel nearly as blocked as I used to, recently, when the kundalini is hot, I’ve been having the sensation like I’m in a space or a room filled something amazing, like a room full of incredibly advanced technology, but it’s all turned off. What’s more, it’s pitch black in the room and I can’t even find the light switch to see what’s in there.

I can feel that something’s there, I just can’t quite seems to access it. Certainly not at will.

  This made me smile. You did the Void lesson the first time around? Do it again.

  There are actually three non-dual Voids. The lesson takes you to the Starry Void. There is also a pitch black Void, and a White Light Void called the Godhead. The Black Void is very yin, the presence of the Goddess resting, passive. You must also become very passive, deeply surrendered, accepting the amazing presence without wanting more. Good place to practice surrender!

  People rarely spend a lot of time in the black void, maybe you are inside the Sun? Repeating the lesson will sort it.  WB!

Hi Gopi,

Thank you so much for the feedback!

"There is no such thing as getting a peek at enlightenment - the only way you touch the sun is by joining the flame."

You're so right...

This is definitely what I was trying to do, a kind of "enlightenment lite."

Going through the lessons on surrendering the ego-self, attachments, and the void, I see how futile that is.

Your comments about martial arts and chi are also very apt. I trained in Xingyiquan (which can be loosely translated as "shape intent boxing") for many years where your aim is to direct and focus chi intensely, and at quite a deep level in the body so it becomes reflexive. Seems on some level I didn't fully realise that I was still trying to control kundalini like that.

Mystress,

OK I did the Void lesson again and, yeah, I've been pretty much confused for most of the past few weeks. Ha!

But something does feel different now, so I thought I'd post it.

When you mentioned the Black Void, and then going through the lesson on the Void, I realised that I’d been there before. I had a NDE in my early 20s, and I’d almost completely forgotten about it. The place where I was didn't feel expansive and there were no stars. It felt compressed, but not unpleasant, almost like a "death womb," if that's a thing.

It's interesting because from my late teens I had incredibly strong thoughts of wanting to die, but it was only in this black, compressed place that I realised at a deep gut level how much I really wanted to live.

I never felt completely together after that and when I came back, every so often I'd get a sense that place, and it used to terrify me. I called it I called the Abyss and when the feeling of it came on, it felt like part of me was dying.

It doesn't feel like that at all anymore. In fact now it feels almost warm, like I place I want to go to.

I haven't really done anything specific over the past few weeks other than go through the lessons, being more mindful of patterns, thoughts, habits as they come up and attempt to surrender more deeply, more often as they do.

And now, what felt like a “thing” on my left side that I was hard up against feels much more like a vast wide open "space." It also feels likes its beckoning, like it's inviting me to grow into it.