Well, here I am tripping over myself trying to express this thing i've been going thru.  I feel kind of uncomfortable being so open.  My faeries left me a while ago and i've lost contact with my higher universes.  I don't know why.  I loved to travel thru the forrests and I miss it so much.  I'm stuck in my lower places and I feel alot of guilt for being sexual. At the same time it's so wonderful and I think it may be nessary but I don't know how to let go of guilt for being so here like that.  When I have orgasms I start to cry and then my throat gets tight like i'm choking and I can't breathe and I go into this vacuum place.  Kind of like a dead zone where everything is numb and then I feel waves of guilt and shame. I have also been experiencing an unreasonable fear of rejection almost to the point of a panic attack.  It's my male sexuality, I suppose, because that's the part of me that's fragmented the most but it's also the part that I identify with.  My inner guidance is gone and I can't see clearly right now.  Maybe i'm in the trees and I can't see the forest.  I'm happy to have a space where I can write about it.                                                            guiltily,                                                        Coriel          

: Well, here I am tripping over myself trying to express this thing i've been going thru.  I feel kind of uncomfortable being so open.  

As Mystress says, there is strength in vulnerability, courage too. I respect your openness and your eagerness to grow.

: My faeries left me a while ago and i've lost contact with my higher universes.  I don't know why.  I loved to travel thru the forrests and I miss it so much.  

I can relate to this scenario very much. I find that it's when I choose to doubt the magic that the magic fades; and when I choose to believe in the magic, it all returns again to remind me it's there. I believe this to be some kind of Cosmic test of faith... (Even a Cosmic joke!) I mean, remember a time when you were on top of the world, feeling wonderful about yourself and everything else. At times like that, everything flows so smoothly and the magic resonates in the air. Our faith is tested constantly, I think.

I don't know if you've gotten to Mystress's Clearing Karma Through Grounding lesson, but it really does help to clear the karmic cobwebs and restore the faith. The regular grounding ritual helps tons, too. The entity clearing might help, too, if you think it's happening from something like that. All I know is that forcing the magic to return by berating myself and slapping myself around does not work; I've tried that one lots! lol

: I'm stuck in my lower places and I feel alot of guilt for being sexual.

Have you always felt guilt over sexuality? It's a very common thing, actually. So common that most people are struck by it, at least for periods of time.

: At the same time it's so wonderful and I think it may be nessary but I don't know how to let go of guilt for being so here like that.  When I have orgasms I start to cry and then my throat gets tight like i'm choking and I can't breathe and I go into this vacuum place.  Kind of like a dead zone where everything is numb and then I feel waves of guilt and shame.

If it's any consolation, I've felt this too, many times. Now I just say, Fuck it... I deserve pleasure and that is the nature of the universe. If this doesn't resonate with you, perhaps a lesson is coming up to be looked at. I've been painting and drawing out my fears lately, and this helps a whole lot, makes them clearer so I can dissipate them. I also beat on a punching bag to release karmic gunk (pillows and couches work well too). Is there something you love to do that can help you release and face your fears? That is what I'd recommend.

: I have also been experiencing an unreasonable fear of rejection almost to the point of a panic attack.  

When we lose our Light, our need for outside approval sky rockets. Take it from one who knows first hand. The key is to recognize that you are All that Is and take back your power. At best, trying to get everyone to love us or give us the attention we *expect*, is a very slippery, insecure slope.

: It's my male sexuality, I suppose, because that's the part of me that's fragmented the most but it's also the part that I identify with.  My inner guidance is gone and I can't see clearly right now.  Maybe i'm in the trees and I can't see the forest.  I'm happy to have a space where I can write about it.                                              

I'm so glad you shared this. I learned a lot from your post. Your courage is admirable, as is your desire to reach for the Light. Your guidance hasn't left you. Are you afraid to let It in? It may take one to know one.

Louise Hay says that guilt is a completely useless emotion. It serves nobody and doesn't make anybody feel better. I'm working on losing it once and for all because it certainly doesn't serve me or anyone else. It just plummets me into vicim role, a place I no longer choose to reside.

Peace out,

Leslee

hello Coriel,

welcome to the Tea Room... and congratulations on overcoming your reluctance to step out among us... i think Leslee has given you a great reply...

i would just add that in my earlier years, i used to feel that perhaps my sexuality was at odds with my spiritual development... and i also felt some guilt about it...

now i'm 47, and have spent many years pursuing the most kinky, taboo and intensest expressions of sexuality that my desires could come up with... and it has only enhanced my spiritual side, and brought it into Oneness with my physical side...

perhaps my vison of this may help you... the One That Is All broke down into male and female sides to move toward diversity, and what is Created... and then forgets who It was, only to reunite again as It (including It being us) remembers Itself and puts Humpty Dumpty back together again...

It created sex as one of the major ways of both Creating and Re-Uniting... sex is obviously one of God-dess's favorite activities... so when you enjoy a good orgasm, you are showing God (expressed in you as It's Creation) a good time... so Keep God-dess feeling lots of bliss by following your own bliss, and fully enjoying this wonderful sexy gift that God created for Itself...

warmly,

percyval

: Well, here I am tripping over myself trying to express this thing i've been going thru.  I feel kind of uncomfortable being so open.  My faeries left me a while ago and i've lost contact with my higher universes.  I don't know why.  I loved to travel thru the forrests and I miss it so much.  I'm stuck in my lower places and I feel alot of guilt for being sexual. At the same time it's so wonderful and I think it may be nessary but I don't know how to let go of guilt for being so here like that.  When I have orgasms I start to cry and then my throat gets tight like i'm choking and I can't breathe and I go into this vacuum place.  Kind of like a dead zone where everything is numb and then I feel waves of guilt and shame. I have also been experiencing an unreasonable fear of rejection almost to the point of a panic attack.  It's my male sexuality, I suppose, because that's the part of me that's fragmented the most but it's also the part that I identify with.  My inner guidance is gone and I can't see clearly right now.  Maybe i'm in the trees and I can't see the forest.  I'm happy to have a space where I can write about it.                                                            guiltily,                                                        Coriel          

  Hey Coriel!

  I think that you are being brought to deal with all that messy lower chakra stuff, and the higher senses have cut out, so that you have to find Spirit in the physical world.

 Reading your post, I think that the guilt that is coming up is not directly related to your sexuality, except that sex increases your vibe and some other stuff that is stuck in your second chakra gets triggered. I think that other stuff is around relationships, not specifically sex.

 I know the Fey do not make judgments around sex... a few thousand years of Beltane fertility rituals cannot be wrong! They love human sexual energy... acts of love and pleasure serve. It may be that they are not so understanding of your emotional stuff around sex... but, as I say, I think it is an energy effect.

 Usually with stuff like this, you have to surrender to it... give up resisting, move straight into it and face the fear, so that it name itself and go *poof.* Usually, if you can clearly name a feeling, it will vanish and the underlying feeling will be exposed, like peeling an onion. You will know when you have named the feeling because you will feel a shift in your body and it will sigh with release. Keep peeling till there is nothing left but peace.

  I suggest you give yourself a day of pleasure, have as many orgasms as you can, using a mantra
"Thank you Goddess (breathe)
for this body (breathe)
that can feel (breathe)
pain and pleasure" (breathe, repeat.)

Then just sit with the feelings that come after, observe them with out judging them or assuming you know what they are about. The feelings have a message for you, and they are coming up, to be released.
 Then, have more orgasms... we are made for pleasure, allow yourself to feel it.  

 Numbness after sex... I dunno. I go into an altered state after good sex, where my body is asleep, catatonic and my mind is very awake, exploring thoughts and spaces. I love it. So peaceful and aware. If that is what is happening to you, then it is a good thing. Let part of you remain identified with that peace, and just let the emotions flow by like landscape outside the train window.
  Thanks for writing! Glad you feel safe to share yourself here.
    Blessings!

: Well, here I am tripping over myself trying to express this thing i've been going thru.  I feel kind of uncomfortable being so open.  My faeries left me a while ago and i've lost contact with my higher universes.  I don't know why.  I loved to travel thru the forrests and I miss it so much.  I'm stuck in my lower places and I feel alot of guilt for being sexual. At the same time it's so wonderful and I think it may be nessary but I don't know how to let go of guilt for being so here like that.  When I have orgasms I start to cry and then my throat gets tight like i'm choking and I can't breathe and I go into this vacuum place.  Kind of like a dead zone where everything is numb and then I feel waves of guilt and shame. I have also been experiencing an unreasonable fear of rejection almost to the point of a panic attack.  It's my male sexuality, I suppose, because that's the part of me that's fragmented the most but it's also the part that I identify with.  My inner guidance is gone and I can't see clearly right now.  Maybe i'm in the trees and I can't see the forest.  I'm happy to have a space where I can write about it.                                                            guiltily,                                                        Coriel          

Hello,

Evidently I'm in the same boat. Guilt is a killer. Last night I was shown where it all started for me. I used to masterbate before I was out of my crib. It was a cool thing to do. I never knew what I was doing, but it was neat. I loved to do it. When I got my own bed I used to do it more. My mom would walk in on me all the time and get really mad at me for doing this. I never understood why she got so mad. Eventually I started to feel like I was doing something wrong. Which was stupid because this was the best thing ever. Welcome to guilt, welcome to hell.

This continued throught my insane catholic schooling where you are a sin and touching yourself is a sin. I knew more. But did what they said. Beleived what they said. And hurt terribly. Never understanding how something I knew was good could be so bad.

Damnit. I saw how much I hurt. I cried almost all last night and tried to let it all go. Its a shock to see these things you forgot. I'm so angry now, so hurt at what happened...

Masterbating is a meditation to me. Its so much a part of everything. I charge up! I can see and feel new distant things, places, everything. I just feel so connected. I want to get rid of all this guilt about it. I woke up and did the meditation Mystress posted. But I want it all gone so I can be the me that I know I am. I seem to be having a hard time letting it all go.

Shattered sexuality... yep thats it. I'm going to take it back and fix it all up again and put it to use. I can do this... somehow...

I have these visions of where I got hurt every night now. Its starting to get to me. I have a lot of hurts. I dont have a witness state either, I am right there. I see and feel everything. I talk to me and tell him everything. But, as soon as I heal one, I go to the next one in the timeline. One after the other. It hurts me so much to see all of that, and nothing good ever happen, just saddness, and so much lost durring that time...

I tend to sleep all day now just trying to recover...

Why do people have to control? Why do they have to hate themselves? I'm so angry, I want revenge, ... But then all I want is me back again, happy and safe..

Sean

Hello,

Hey, you know what helped me a lot, was a few days ago I gave myself permission to be a guy again. It helped a lot, many feelings returned. In my high school all the nuns and brothers were all down on us guys for being sinners all the time. While the girls went around doing what they wanted and were pretty happy because nobody bothered them. All us guys were depressed out of our minds. I always wanted to be a girl from then on. It seemed so much better. Guess this stuck with me.

Anyways I was driving around going to forests and hanging out and I thought of this....

Take care...

Sean

I apologize for the delay in responding, I had a problem with my refresh button. (I couldn't find it)
When I finally got to the tearoom and read the responses I was overcome with waves of love and revelations, so much I had to log off until this morning.

Mystress wrote:

:   Hey Coriel!

:    I think that you are being brought to deal with all that messy lower chakra stuff, and the higher senses have cut out, so that you have to find Spirit in the physical world.

Yes, thank you Mystress, I suppose I can't escape anymore.  I just have to surrender to being here.

:   Reading your post, I think that the guilt that is coming up is not directly related to your sexuality, except that sex increases your vibe and some other stuff that is stuck in your second chakra gets triggered. I think that other stuff is around relationships, not specifically sex.

I don't understand relationships.  I try to fit into a pattern but it dosn't make any sense to me.  Relationships seem so full of contradictions and misunderstandings and turmoil.  It's bazarre and really confusing.

:   I know the Fey do not make judgments around sex... a few thousand years of Beltane fertility rituals cannot be wrong! They love human sexual energy... acts of love and pleasure serve. It may be that they are not so understanding of your emotional stuff around sex... but, as I say, I think it is an energy effect.

Yes, I love them, they have showed me many things and I have been so grateful for their presence.

:   Usually with stuff like this, you have to surrender to it... give up resisting, move straight into it and face the fear, so that it name itself and go *poof.* Usually, if you can clearly name a feeling, it will vanish and the underlying feeling will be exposed, like peeling an onion. You will know when you have named the feeling because you will feel a shift in your body and it will sigh with release. Keep peeling till there is nothing left but peace.

When I was reading your post I realized that the
guilt is outside of me now, something seperate, so I can see it more clearly. It's a big relief.  

:    I suggest you give yourself a day of pleasure, have as many orgasms as you can, using a mantra
: "Thank you Goddess (breathe)
: for this body (breathe)
: that can feel (breathe)
: pain and pleasure" (breathe, repeat.)

: Then just sit with the feelings that come after, observe them with out judging them or assuming you know what they are about. The feelings have a message for you, and they are coming up, to be released.
:   Then, have more orgasms... we are made for pleasure, allow yourself to feel it.

Yes, I will and thank you Mystress for reminding me .  

:   Numbness after sex... I dunno. I go into an altered state after good sex, where my body is asleep, catatonic and my mind is very awake, exploring thoughts and spaces. I love it. So peaceful and aware. If that is what is happening to you, then it is a good thing. Let part of you remain identified with that peace, and just let the emotions flow by like landscape outside the train window.
:    Thanks for writing! Glad you feel safe to share yourself here.
:      Blessings!

Thank you Mystress and everyone. I'm grateful
to be here.
Love,
Coriel