I wish there was a'like' button for Gopi's post, it's brilliant. I must remember to thank my demons periodically.

Not sure where I picked that one from... somewhere online or a friend.
There are lots of online memes on the theme of having tea with your demons.

https://pics.me.me/rise-what-do0-this-is-nice-its-time-for-a-24697219.png

https://theswoonsociety.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/have-your-cake-3.jpg

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Clplc0KWIAIfI4i.jpg

Seem to have made another breakthrough of sorts. I started dumping overload 5x daily just to see what it would do -- mainly because I had been wired to an almost manic degree over the course of a week or two, unable to sleep, mind lit up and overactive. Well, it turns out that this seems very beneficial for my system and has calmed it substantially. I've always been sort of frenetic and my system has always been excitable. In a psycho-spiritual sense, I've always felt like my body is a shakti-machine and sensitive to any spiritual practice to such a point that I learned I had to avoid them entirely.

Anyway, dumping the overload has helped me regain focus for so many areas of life and has helped me keep grounded for much longer periods. In many ways, it feels that dumping overload, grounding, surrendering and giving my vortex love have all been akin to (or, more likely, better than) an antidepressant. Karmic clearing is exponentially easier now that my body is relaxed. I feel I now know what most people around me feel like--what it's like to have motivation, energy to do things. I always honestly thought I was just natively a lazy slacker.

Anyway, I once again feel connected to Source, on track and no longer thrown into that dark uncertainty. The disconnection from bliss honestly felt like I was no longer awakened, or I had somehow failed or missed the mark.

Maybe somewhat of a tangent but I had this dream last night that felt like legitimate "contact" of sorts. They were very loving beings of a high vibration that looked like those Russian nesting dolls but they had huge third eyes that almost took up their entire foreheads. No idea what they were but I've seen them before.

Thank you for the update.

Quote"In many ways, it feels that dumping overload, grounding, surrendering and giving my vortex love have all been akin to (or, more likely, better than) an antidepressant. Karmic clearing is exponentially easier now that my body is relaxed. I feel I now know what most people around me feel like--what it's like to have motivation, energy to do things. I always honestly thought I was just natively a lazy slacker."

Good to hear this. I like to use the metaphor of peeling onions. Every time we let go of things, one more layer of ego peels through surrender, we may cry a little, and then continue to grow. Dumping overload and grounding regularly is very gentle on the body and yet incredibly powerful. As you say, you get 'plugged into the Source' and everything flows as Goddess wills. Humans are creatures of habit. 'We are what we repeatedly do'. So the more regularly you ground, the more it becomes your natural state of being.

I have always thought about myself as a lazy slacker. Recently, I started examining what I mean when I chide myself for being a slacker. So far, I have noticed two instances:
(1) I feel like a lazy slacker when I am not doing something that I think I 'should be doing' but don't want to for various reasons
(2) I feel like I am a lazy slacker when I am dreaming about what 'needs to be done' but also have no energy/motivation/discipline to do it.

In the first case, I have noticed for me there is always some sort of fear of success and some element of self-sabotaging. Most of it is learned out of helplessness as a child but now Goddess is bringing it up so that I can watch, learn, let it go, and grow.
In the second case, I have a streak of perfectionism (which is fear of failure) that my Guides help me keep in check. I have been taught to see perfection in everything as is - chop wood, carry water. My Guides also remind me that I do not see all the work that is happening. Just a tiny cog in the wheel but every cog is necessary for us to keep moving - Thy will be done. I can overwhelm and exhaust myself when I start believing that I need to know or be in control of everything.

One of my favorite discourse on surrender is by Mirra Alfassa (lovingly known as the Mother).

Quote"Work is a good discipline. But it is not this idea, it is not the idea of a passive, unconscious and almost involuntary submission. It is not that. It does not lie only in work.
The most important surrender is the surrender of your character, your way of being, so that it may change. If you do not surrender your very own nature, never will this nature change. It is this that is most important. You have certain ways of understanding, certain ways of reacting, certain ways of feeling, almost certain ways of progressing, and above all, a special way of looking at life and expecting from it certain things â€" well, it is this you must surrender. That is, if you truly want to receive the divine Light and transform yourself, it is your whole way of being you must offer â€" offer by opening it, making it as receptive as possible so that the divine Consciousness which sees how you ought to be, may act directly and change all these movements into movements more true, more in keeping with your real truth. This is infinitely more important than surrendering what one does. It is not what one does (what one does is very important, that’s evident) that is the most important thing but what one is. Whatever the activity, it is not quite the way of doing it but the state of consciousness in which it is done that is important. You may work, do disinterested work without any idea of personal profit, work for the joy of working, but if you are not at the same time ready to leave this work, to change the work or change the way of working, if you cling to your own way of working, your surrender is not complete. You must come to a point when everything is done because you feel within, very clearly, in a more and more imperious way, that it is this which must be done and in this particular way, and that you do it only because of that. You do not do it because of any habit, attachment or preference, nor even any conception, even a preference for the idea that it is the best thing to do â€" else your surrender is not total.
True surrender is to feel that one wants, one has, this complete inner adherence: you cannot do but that, that which you have been given to do, and what you have not been given to do you cannot do. But at another moment the work may change; at any moment it may be something else, if it is decided that it be something else. It is there that plasticity comes in. That makes a very great difference. It is well understood that those who work are told, “Yes, work, that is your way of surrendering”, but it is a beginning. This way has to be progressive."
(~ Mother Mirra Alfassa, Questions and Answers, 28 April 1951)

"The whole world is in a condition of strife, conflict, between the forces of truth and light wanting to manifest and the opposition of all that does not want to change, which represents in the past what is fixed, hardened and refuses to go. Naturally, each individual feels his own difficulties and is faced by the same obstacles.
There is only one way for you. It is a total, complete and unconditional surrender. What I mean by that is the giving up not only of your actions, work, ambitions, but also of all your feelings, in the sense that all that you do, all that you are, is exclusively for the Divine. So, you feel above the surrounding human reactions--not only above them but protected from them by the wall of the Divine's Grace. Once you have no more desires, no more attachments, once you have given up all necessity of receiving a reward from human beings, whoever they are--knowing that the only reward that is worth getting is the one that comes from the Supreme and that never fails--once you give up the attachment to all exterior beings and things, you at once feel in your heart this Presence, this Force, this Grace that is always with you.
And there is no other remedy. It's the only remedy, for everybody without exception. To all those who suffer, it is the same thing that has to be said: all suffering is the sign that the surrender is not total. Then, when you feel in you a "bang", like that, instead of saying, "Oh, this is bad" or "This circumstance is difficult," you say, "My surrender is not perfect." Then it's all right. And then you feel the Grace that helps you and leads you, and you go on. And one day you emerge into that peace that nothing can trouble. You answer to all the contrary forces, the contrary movements, the attacks, the misunderstandings, the bad wills, with the same smile that comes from full confidence in the Divine Grace. And that is the only way out, there is no other.

The Divine Presence is in you. It is in you. You look for it outside; look inside. It is in you. The Presence is there. You want the appreciation of others to get strength--you will never get it. The strength is in you. If you want, you can aspire for what seems to you the supreme goal, supreme light, supreme knowledge, supreme love. But it is in you--otherwise you would never be able to contact it. If you go deep enough inside you, you will find it there, like a flame that is always burning straight up.
And don't believe that it is so difficult to do. It is because the look is always turned outside that you don't feel the Presence. But if, instead of looking outside for support, you concentrate and you pray--inside, to the supreme knowledge--to know at each moment what is to be done, the way to do it, and if you give all you are, all you do in order to acquire perfection, you will feel that the support is there, always guiding, showing the way. And if there is a difficulty, then instead of wanting to fight, you hand it over, hand it over to the supreme wisdom to deal with it--to deal with all the bad wills, all the misunderstandings, all the bad reactions. If you surrender completely, it is no more your concern: it's the concern of the Supreme who takes it up and knows better than anybody else what is to be done. The only way out, only way out."
~ (Collected Works of The Mother, Volume 15, pp. 419-423)

Thank you Gopi,

I think that I definitely have the habit of "shoulding all over myself." I think that the darkness I was moving through over the past year was in many ways a case of layer-upon-layer coming up at a rate that seemed right on the cusp of my ability to psychologically process. My curiosity outran my development and I ended up blowing open some gates I never could have conceived of existing. I suppose on some level I was given what I was ready for and looking back the process makes me smile.

Most of all though, I get the sense that the impetus to surrender has been rising very rapidly, as in when or if I'm not in surrender, I feel it more intensely. Any incongruence feels radically consequential. Any blockages seem to become swarmed with empathy, which assists with highlighting but gives me the subjective sense, while I'm in it, of being locked in developmental stasis. When I really step back and gain perspective, though, the growth is clear.

There are so many dimensions to it. The other night I was in an elevator and one of my professors walked in and I could practically smell his depression. It filled the entire elevator. My vortex ate it and I was on cloud nine for a few hours. It makes me wonder if at least some of the aching solar-plexus, rather than an empathic dam, is actually hunger? It felt like the proximity in that case really mattered.

QuoteMost of all though, I get the sense that the impetus to surrender has been rising very rapidly, as in when or if I'm not in surrender, I feel it more intensely. Any incongruence feels radically consequential. Any blockages seem to become swarmed with empathy, which assists with highlighting but gives me the subjective sense, while I'm in it, of being locked in developmental stasis.

Oooh... Nice. In Bhakti tradition, this phase is described as fervent love for the Divine. The devotee aches and pines to be absorbed completely into the Divine's love. This is always described as an erotic fervor - not necessarily sexual but unmistakably erotic. The devotee feels enraptured by the Divine's Grace and cannot bear the thought of any separation. Stories and poems describe the devotee as burning with love, mad, and elevated - in this world but not of it.

For some of us, the path of surrender may begin out of resignation - our ego has tried every single trick in the book that it can think of and has run out of options. So we surrender because ego feels defeated and deflated. Slowly we start to realize and accept the joy, peace, and abundance of love that fills our world when we are in surrender to the Divine. Initially when we start meditating, the silence can feel uncomfortable, evasive, and at times painful. If we keep practicing regularly, then at some point we start craving for that silence every single moment. Keep practicing and you come to a point where you carry the silence within you always.

You're right about observing that we are only given what we can handle. If we feel overwhelmed, then it is most likely our own expectations and judgments. Next time you feel stuck, ask your guidance to show you the lesson. K evolves us all continuously and the growth never stops. Are you aware of Mystress' sock puppet method?

http://www.sockpuppetsofptsd.com/?x=entry:entry150710-164434

Gopi wrote Are you aware of Mystress' sock puppet method?

That technique is still kinda secret, I have only taught it to the FST lineage and a few others, not really planning to release it until the ebook is completed. Not sure when that will be. The website for it, sucks! I used premade software instead of starting from scratch as I usually do and the guestbook part is choked with thousands of spam posts.

I have been in kind of a slump, drifting through my days... haven't written anything significant, done much art or worked on website updates in months.

  Might be connected to my Dad dying on Sept 4- no condolences please, he was 94 and in very poor health- it came as a relief to everyone including himself. I had not intended or offered to be psychopomp for him as I did (and promised to) with mom. Pretty sure I did anyway as the song "Walking in Memphis" was stuck in my head for about a week after.

A day or two before he died, he told my brother that he felt he would not be seeing mom anytime soon, and he was right about that...   He was stuck in a bardo hell of wilderness isolation loneliness for about 80 years (time passes faster there) before I lost track of him.  I won't go into reasons why he ended up there because I prefer not to speak ill of the dead. I ended up visiting him there repeatedly trying to offer insights to help him move on, but he was not any more willing to listen than when he was alive. I suspect part of me is still stuck there with him, why I don't feel fully present or very creative but have been feeling apathetic about trying to get myself out.
 
  Anyway, I don't want to hijack this thread. I do check this tearoom several times a week, and as always it is beautiful to watch you all growing.

I feel moved to write this here and have no idea why. I’ve felt moved to do a lot of things the past few days, and, at times, I have felt the power and force of Goddess completely overtake me as all sense or memory of self vanishes. It is so interesting because in that state I just know certain things, and all of my questions are simply replaced with insight. I guess the biggest insight was that this whole thing, this whole time has been about me, or rather the journey. For the longest time I couldn’t help but look at the world and wonder why its in the shape it’s in. Against all advising to keep focus internalized I couldn’t help but move through such a phase.

But things really do look different from different places. It’s difficult to describe the change or the flickering sense of hollowness or non-locality of awareness. There’s a feeling I get when She moves me to do something, and it’s all so much bigger than what I think it is at the time. Dominoes, little tweaks in the timeline or web of life. For several months I knew She was there, but I didn’t think She cared. I now realize that not only does She care, but She speaks, is a tangible force that’s always there but I just couldn’t see, hear, or feel. Some of it feels borderline psychotic, like thinking about the word “anyway” then to look down and see the last line of Mystress’ last post starting with “anyway.” But it seems more like some kind of subtle language, or wink that it’s all handled almost like that feeling of dejavu I’ve become so accustomed to lol.

I guess the only thing that changed was, lying in bed and feeling that familiar ache in my solar-plexus I told my vortex that I’m ready to ascend. In unequivocal terms I said I’m done, I’m not looking back and I seemed to breath into a new reality. It’s kind of funny how my choice seemed to be between empathic misery and incredible peace and serenity. In my case, for who and where I was at the time, I don’t think there was a better way. It’s interesting how the blessing at the center of incredibly intense karmic empathy is the ability to clear huge chunks of it at once.

I’m not sure that I’m all the way through to whatever this new state isâ€"which is kind of an ironic statement because my intuitive sense is that I’m only not here to the extent that I *believe* I’m not here, which is kind of a funny proposition. Belief. Faith. That really seems to be what this all comes down to. Therefore, moving forward will involve finding those little ways in which I still don’t believe I’m here.

Belief has become such a powerful thing nowâ€"the way I draw things to myself. Literally it feels like the wishes I dwell on come to fruition in the most uncanny, seemingly unlikely ways. Must be careful with this.

Anyway, yeah. Working on weeding beliefs moving forward while I still believe the work needs to be done.

I feel moved to write this here and have no idea why... I guess the biggest insight was that this whole thing, this whole time has been about me, or rather the journey.... But things really do look different from different places. It’s difficult to describe the change or the flickering sense of hollowness or non-locality of awareness.
... Belief has become such a powerful thing nowâ€"the way I draw things to myself. Literally it feels like the wishes I dwell on come to fruition in the most uncanny, seemingly unlikely ways. Must be careful with this. 

Some of it echoes my own thoughts, this morning. Too many thoughts.
(Got distracted and wandered away from writing for a few days.  Went back to my roots, so to speak... Louise Hay videos that informed my path of surrender in the early 90s.)

  It is helpful to think of chakra levels. Go back to the chakras lesson and do as I describe, shifting your awareness to each in turn and seeing how your world and thoughts are different on each. Your vortex is near the power chakra level, which rules free will, boundaries etc. The other end goes into non-duality, the chakras above the heart. Each chakra dimension is like a different world and getting to know them means being able to shift yourself more easily.

  The inside and outside worlds. As I fall asleep stuff is brought up, old hurts and unresolved issues with other people. Try to resolve within myself even shifting up to the crown where its all Maya and nothing matters. Surrendered so many times I contemplate whether its stuck in shaman imperative and the only release is to write some unkind emails to give the insights back. Don't want to.  I think, I am not doing enough art these days...

  I consider whether my current state might be related to all the grief and fear incoming since the UN statement that we only have 13 years to pull our fat out of the fire and stop global warming going critical. External influences, an explanation that has been validated thousands of times via empathy... move up one chakra and it still comes down to me, personal responsibility =  how I respond. I find myself wondering if processing those emotions might be the most important work of planetary avatar. The imperative to train vampires to do the same would seem to validate that idea.

  Diamond body can go anywhere and your thoughts are the navigation. Multiple infinite realities. It is true for everyone, we are all Gods of our own lives, navigating with our thoughts. For most people the content of karma, ego, blockages slows the process down... without that weight, the effects are immediate and having a zen silent mind is safety to avoid accidental manifestations!   

Thank you Mystress,

I will do as instructed. It seems that a lot of karmic stuff moves through me faster now that I don't seem fixated on the universe of the power-chakra like I was. All of that stuff is very noisy and seemed bent on convincing me it was worthwhile. Fixating on and growing the stuff wasn't doing much good. The analogy of logs on a stream feels more concrete now. Gradations of clarity are such a good alternative.

I keep feeling compelled that there is something going on here that is important and I need to pay attention to. I suppose that further surrender and chakra navigation will help with discernment.

Maybe I just need to get back into this work here and cut back some of this other dross I’ve been involved inâ€"a type of musical project I’ve always dreamed of being involved in (manifestion?) that’s intersecting with an important academic bottleneck over the next few months. I can feel the tightness of his power chakra and the rush he’s in to complete everything but it’s just not going to work for me.

I suppose an arrow needs to stay true to course, and the dharmic move here now feels completely obvious.

  Well, there is what you do to get ascended... and then, how to *stay* ascended.

  In the late 90s I went to a pagan sabbat, Litha summer solstice in a private park on a sunny day. A few friends greeted us as we arrived, then we were busy setting up the campsite. Later I had a kind of strange experience of waving at old friends and getting not even a flicker of recognition... strange... in the circle, the HP going around with the smudge etc.,  skipped over me each time.. odd, I thought but let it go because I did not need the purification. After the ritual I realized it was because I was in nonduality, fully ascended and therefore, invisible. Being invisible at a social event was not much fun so I grabbed a bit of ambient karma to get some duality so I could show up in duality. Friends started greeting me and asking when I had arrived! I asked the HP about his skipping over me, he said he knew I was there (he was trained in blindfolded martial arts) but I was being invisible and he went with it. He assumed it was deliberate. The thing is, for the rest of the weekend I had an odd sight whisper of a feeling of not being quite myself... things I was saying, etc... were a lot more Wiccan than my own beliefs. It was barely noticeable, it was not until after I got home and the bit of karma I had grabbed, had blown off that I was able to more clearly see how that bit of karma stuff had become my ego identity for the weekend.

  We spoke of it before, taking on karma and becoming a reflection of somebody's issues. To stay in a state of grace you need to stay in the flow of "Goddess has it handled" and the awareness of when She is handling it, through you.  Men cannot Become Her as women can, so the relationship with Her, communication is important and grows with time.

Attach to anything, it is a duality in a non dual self, you grow a new ego around it that is nearly as invisible as the original one was and the bigger it gets the harder the fall. The worst is, as the body gets muddier you lose insights, fall far enough and you will forget what it felt like to be ascended or that its possible or how to get back there.  The benefit of a close relationship with the Guide is it can throw you a rope. It does not forget. The benefit of satsang- the company of other ascended people to remind you what is real when you are stuck.   Probably the biggest benefit to me in teaching, is it keeps me reminded of whats real.
You don't lose the diamond body when you fall, its imperishable but you do lose the sense of it, you can forget that it was your own thoughts brought you there and where to find the exit.

  Just like you getting caught up in that other guys project stress, it happens so easy eh? Perhaps the hardest thing I found about being fully ascended is how people call you hard hearted if you do not engage with their drama. They exert a pull, seeking to be validated and go spewing,  if they are not. Being compassion on legs, basically, and having people perceive it as callousness can do a number on your head.

  Around 1992? For a few months I worked at a parade float factory. The company put on a Christmas lights parade at night in Gastown.  As we got up the the wire, the days got longer, people worked harder, everybody started getting sick and one woman quit two days before the parade. I spoke to her later and she explained, so many times she had burnt the candle at both ends to get somebody's event done on time, then spend a week recovering and she just could not do it anymore.  We were all pissed that her flaking made more work for the rest of us, but in hindsight I could see that she was right. If the company had hired a few extra workers earlier on, they would not have had to pay a lot of overtime and burn out all the staff with the last minute rushing. Like the print shop meme says: "Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on our part" but with empathy it takes mindfulness to not get caught up in other people's emergencies and drama.
    

Well, it looks like the burler is up and running smoothly now. I suppose I had this sudden insight on Mother's day the degree to which, without even realizing or thinking about it, I had been fixating or getting hung up on that tight feeling in my stomach; I decided to simply change my area of focus, no longer giving energy to that fear and finally having faith that it will all be handled. I found that a lot of stuff cleared immediately and continued to clear through the day yesterday and today.

I think I'm coming to realize in an almost tangible sense that this is going to need to be a regular discipline for me, because this fear and grief seems to be continually incoming. I am incredibly empathic, in ways I hadn't realized when the signal was so muddy and unable to tease apart. It feels now that there is just this incredible amount of energy being absorbed from my environment at all times, and the fear seems to always be vying for my attention, whining at me, crying. For so long, for all those years I just became overshadowed by it, identified with it, became that incredibly unhappy and depressed person who didn't realize just how depressed he was.

This whole thing has felt like learning a very delicate dance but I think I finally have it. All that stuff was so heavy and stressed the heck out of my body. I can feel by body thanking me, finally able to relax. It's amazing how quickly that unhappy husk of an identity can be cast off, leaving me wondering where it went.

I'm glad I've come to this point because moving forward there will be no shortage of grief and fear around me considering my vocation.

Thank you everyone for your support--it's a real trip that this is probably the only place in the world that could have helped me with this.  This feels like a big breakthrough here and progress now feels like it will be be rapid.

Well, it looks like the burler is up and running smoothly now. I suppose I had this sudden insight on Mother's day the degree to which, without even realizing or thinking about it, I had been fixating or getting hung up on that tight feeling in my stomach; I decided to simply change my area of focus, no longer giving energy to that fear and finally having faith that it will all be handled. I found that a lot of stuff cleared immediately and continued to clear through the day yesterday and today.
I think I'm coming to realize in an almost tangible sense that this is going to need to be a regular discipline for me, because this fear and grief seems to be continually incoming.

  Well, as I said... Ever since the UN climate change announcements, people have been aiming fear and grief at the planet, at unprecedented rates.

I have been hip deep in it for months, finding it hard to get anything else done because it clears best autopilot if I am distracted by something trivial like silly computer games. For years I have been asking, "what is my job as avatar?" and this seems a big part of the answer.  Planet wide psychology.

Bowie has been a comfort.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYwpnG-rkHI "Five years" with lyrics
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bcnO3VQ_fc better sound and visuals

Actually, mothers day I was trying to write about it and thought to wonder how my vamps are doing with it. Snacking on the karma people dump into the planet is part of the vamp imperative, so not surprised it has been incoming. Chat with your vortex, agree to be the vessel of transmutation, see how much can be set autopilot for your vortex to identify and handle for you, and Her.




Thank you everyone for your support--it's a real trip that this is probably the only place in the world that could have helped me with this. 
  That is really true.
 

Encouraging to get a handle on the broader context of what's happening and the scale these things are occurring on. As for self-care it feels I just need to really commit to sitting and clearing 30 minutes 2x daily. I just have to do it. It's a thin line between that empty flow state and these one-dimensional depressive identities that overcome me when there's too much incoming and I get caught up in daily routine or it starts building up around one of the identities. I can feel and see Goddess working in my life and it's really quite incredible that these things still happen even when I'm in those places.

I guess the biggest thing that has thrown me off kilter for so long is that I had a bunch of stuff I needed to get out of my system. Experimentation, drugs, music. Exploring the edges, I guess; however foolish it was of me, it felt like I had to give that part of me its due.  With the shaki though, obviously, I cannot go down that road too far -- just as a life of complete conformity feels impossible in its own right.

I suppose that it is time for me to settle down and simplify, simplify, simplify. Often the last person I look out for or advocate for in the world is me.

I recently identified that some of my deepest karma involves a tendency not to complete things. It was a blissful release of sorts when I found it but I'm sure there's more layers. The incoming stuff is simply highlighting my own crap, and impetus is growing to release it. It's always right in front of me, right in my face. It always was.

Sometimes I wonder, though, how much of the "problem" is me making such a problem out of all of this. I know I get into trouble when I zero in on the stuff inside of me and begin inflating it with my attention. This idea of "planet wide psychology" resonates in the sense that when I really look at what's happening with me, it's a vast surplus of consciousness. It's more than I realize sometimes, or something I take for granted. Makes the whole daily ritual of morning coffee, traffic and important deadlines feel like an epochal struggle. Keyword: struggle. Of course that is going to get me into trouble.

I get so much of this. I can write like I get it but putting into daily practice is so different. I guess my deepest motivations must become aligned with my knowledge. Congruence of intention.

I guess I'm just trying to find that line between going easy with things/self-care and lassitude. I'm at a point now where I have several decisions to make about where I go with my life, whether to move to another state, etcetera. I surrender these. In fact, I surrender all of this stuff.

I really feel called to start writing like this more often for purposes of release. It really does feel beneficial for this current "mop up" of sorts that I'm in right now. I used to always try to direct my writing in a certain direction or try to somehow sound eloquent but now I literally just go with whatever comes to mind. I've got to get my dang paws off the controls. That honestly feels like it should be priority right now. If I play the tape through, ego is just insanity. A closed loop. That's all it was, all it is when light is thrown on it. Been there, done that, time to move on.

My guide introduced himself to me last night by the name of Vlad and I got a strong mental image of what my research revealed was a character from Sesame Street called Count von Count. Apparently his function in the series was to teach counting to kids. With him being a quantum and likely genderless being I feel that he is simply relating to me in a way I can understand. I find myself trying to sharpen my eye for double or triple entendres in what may at first glance appear to be playful communication. The idea that a being so powerful and wise is beholden to the freewill of a being as silly and finite as me is astounding. I've been so slippery.

Anyway, at this point he has me browsing the cesspools otherwise known as Youtube comments sections for snacks but I'm reminded to keep grounding. Grounding on its own seems necessary but not sufficient for me, this snacking is also necessary. It feels like a lot of those people are lost vampires trying to get a rise out of people looking for snacks. Either way I'm glad to sort of help out with whatever my guide decides to work on. It's cool to have him talking so clearly now, this is the kind of stuff great fictional novels are made of.

Remaining discomfort tells me that I am still missing the mark here in at least one way or another. Since I am primarily verbal rather than visual I will therefore just start freewriting and see if I can uncover whatever resistance is still getting me all twisted up in a knot. I suspect that the best avenue to go down here is the vampire route and the degree to which I truly have accepted and love this part of myself. Has anything splintered off? Where may I have split myself?

My earliest memories relating to this are as a young boy and feeling so deeply, acutely uncomfortable around other people. I had such a strong aversion to touch, even from my own mother. In a way, I feel like my resistance started in the womb. I came out not kicking and screaming, but exhausted. Exhausted. Like I always am. No. Energy. This theme has always been present for me, and the ability of others around me to engage in extracurriculars, have busy schedules and be “star students” always bewildered me.

I remember around the age of 6 or 7 feeling the looming dread in my stomach. It felt almost sickening. I thought I was just terrified of going to school. I daydreamed a lot there, didn’t keep up with the mathematics and the teacher was mean. I often think I was enlightened as a boy, and then there was this gradual descent into foggy karmic malaise that continued to snowball into my adulthood. I was so deeply in love with the earth and atmosphereâ€"my attention consisted of pure worship. How I long for consciousness to have such a quality once more.

Tracing the thread of memory in attempt to find where it was that I turned my back on myself, or splintered myself, I’m reminded to keep shining love on everything. In early adolescence I began displaying signs of being a troubled youth, rebelling, but too lethargic and generally apathetic to get into much trouble. Other kids largely seemed repelled by me, but teachers seemed to like me and thought I was “bright” but disinterested or unmotivated. It was in these years that I began cascading into a path of self-destruction and feeling completely lost.

Savior synchronicity swept in when a series of events swept me into a new reality and I discovered an interest in spiritual development and began twiddling around with energy practices and seemingly overnight, kundalini led to transformation from angry young man to transient Christ psychosis that lasted months. For a kid like I was at the time it really was a “winning the lottery” type experience, and yet it all felt so normal and the idea that other people had no concept of such things was a foreign idea to me.

Needless to say, this turned my life around dramatically and in a way, I completely forgot about that other part of myself. I went through all the stages of thinking I was “chosen,” “indigo” or some kind of special reincarnation (janitor) but this was largely harmless and preferable to where I was before.

My mind is brought back to the word “resistance.” That tight feeling in the solar-plexusâ€"that feeling that I felt even as a 7 year old boyâ€"is, at the end of the day, resistance. Interestingly, in the “sainthood psychosis” years I think I definitely split myself and developed a very righteous mentality, hanging out in the upper chakras and oblivious to the lower chakra issues that have come into immediate awareness over the past two years or so. Even when I first came here I knew on some level that I was deceiving myself and would need to do some digging; that there was something else resident in me that didn’t feel congruent with who and what I thought I was.

I guess that is something to focus onâ€"this idea of splitting. I think I’ve had this habit since those teenage years of hanging out in the higher chakras and not being integrated with other parts of my natureâ€"shadow, vampire. That person was kind of weak, flimsy, had no access to the power afforded by having a strong base. Even now, I feel so much stronger, almost warrior-like and wiser than that self-righteous lightworker I was at that time.

What a fire path this is, beyond any mere metaphor. I feel it basically forcing me to get into shape and get this knot all sorted out. It’s like I’m on an evolutionary conveyor-belt with a manual I barely understand and it always keeps pushing me inward, the only place where I can find the answers.

Anyways, I can write on and on for paragraphs and probably keep unearthing new things but I think the takeaway from this one is the splitting but also retracing that thread of memory from early childhood and possibly even before. Maybe even more fundamentally I feel on some level that I do love and accept my vampire natureâ€"but do I really? Do I still somehow feel bad? I obviously have not yet reframed my relationship with grief and fear because they both come to me like a magnet but I do not digest. It’s all judgments and resistanceâ€"where am I still in judgement? As a boy I worshiped earth and atmosphereâ€"isn’t being a vampire such a great service to both?

"Flooding the system" now 8x daily doing an exercise I read elsewhere here, grounding but going turbo with it and filling my torso with as much sun energy as it can feasibly hold, letting it fall into the earth then bathing in the upward flow. This seems to be helping me go in and clear myself better while remaining centered since maintaining grounding has always felt so difficult with all the karma stuff. This approach seems promising. At least, it is helping me remain in touch with intuitive wisdom

Hmm if I park myself in the heart for a while it all starts loosening up and moving -- how did I not see this sooner? It was captivating, I suppose.

Quote from: TheFifth on May 27, 2019, 02:47:16 PM
My guide introduced himself to me last night by the name of Vlad and I got a strong mental image of what my research revealed was a character from Sesame Street called Count von Count. Apparently his function in the series was to teach counting to kids.

I have been shaking my head and chuckling to myself ever since I read this yesterday. A vampire vortex taking the form of The Count from Sesame Street is the funniest thing! The most non threatening vampire ever, an original Jim Henson muppet.
 Curious you were unfamiliar with that particular cultural icon but I have known him since I was 6! More evidence that I had a lot more influence shaping the vamp/vortex interface than I realized at the time. Choosing a puppet form really underlines that The Count is an interface for enhancing communication, not the actual shape of the being.
 For those unfamiliar, here is The Count teaching mindfulness. (lol)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJxKvwMIVtA

Quote from: TheFifth on May 27, 2019, 02:47:16 PM
Anyway, at this point he has me browsing the cesspools otherwise known as Youtube comments sections for snacks but I'm reminded to keep grounding. Grounding on its own seems necessary but not sufficient for me, this snacking is also necessary.

There are a lot of unhappy people seeking attention on youtube comments!

"He" feels like a teacher in his own way; it feels like I'm being trained somehow in ways I'm not necessarily aware of in the moment. In many ways it feels like the person I was has been chiseled away pretty good--in ways I didn't realize as it was happening--and its just these stubborn fragments which remain.  Just trying to listen to find congruence to ever greater degrees.

All this time-hopping, interfacing and synchronicity stuff is beyond far-out but in some weird way it feels totally natural in the sense that I've kind of gotten to a point where it doesn't really perturb me.

Quote from: TheFifth on Jun 04, 2019, 08:43:39 PM
Hmm if I park myself in the heart for a while it all starts loosening up and moving -- how did I not see this sooner? It was captivating, I suppose.

Meditating on my role as Avatar I realized the still small voice of the heart and the voice of the planet-mind, are the same.

Very profound insight and an apt one considering that very voice has been poking me to come back here all day. I'm so distraction-prone yet I'll laser focus on music or psychological studies for stretches at the exclusion of seemingly everything else. The voice has been a tangible presence all day after having been seemingly absent for months. This feels like its somehow an important time, though the significance of it escapes my limited mind. Hearing/feeling the voice and the act of listening itself almost feels like the same thing, like silence with a voice perfectly suited to each discrete moment. Why now? Who knows. I'm sure there was even wisdom in its apparent absence.

But when I come here or listen closely I clearly see that paradoxical freewill/apparent determinism thing going on which, in some peculiar way, makes me rest easy. Maybe I've finally tipped the scale and the preponderance has shifted more into surrender than attempted control. What a ride through the mud it's been. It feels like its been so long since I've felt that sustained divine presence but today it feels stronger than ever before, like I'm in some deep, still meditation whatever I happen to be doing. It's nice - like that grounded feet tingling feeling but more robust and sustained. I wonder what will happen if I focus my attention on it...