karma consensually released from others in my vicinity, which then kind of builds up behind my own blockages like a dam.
 
Yeah that is my life lol. Not the vortex but ascension. All the stuff coming down in 2012, cPTSD reactivated, and the big river and the incoming karma. Crashed so hard for a year before even realizing, and still recovering from it!

  For me its bigger issues with people who won't let the stuff go. All the other stuff gets backed up behind it, yes I call it a log jam.
  Beavers build dams in a very organized way but thousands of giant logs being sent down a river to the mill are chaotic and if one gets snagged others get stuck behind it randomly.  Chaos Jenga with cylinders that float, and roll in unexpected ways. The river is your central channel. The upward flow of Kundalini.

  I live in an area where forestry has been big for too long lol (Canadian forests on their way to China.)
Back in the day there was a job called burling and it was so lethal it was banned. Guys with spiked boots and long barbed poles would walk out into the log jam to release it. Sometimes getting caught in an avalanche of giant wet logs weighing thousands of pounds each... crushed. Miss a step and fall in the water, get trapped beneath and drowned.
  It still happens, with the log booms on the Fraser river. People do not realize how wickedly dangerous the floating logs are and go play on them.

  The log jams are the most dangerous part of being ascended and Goddess gets it right giving vampires an immortal burler to clear them.

Here is a canadian treasure: apparently, burlers were light on their feet and very good dancers. The opening footage is the only film know to exist of the men at the work, to help visualize a logjam being untangled. Riding a huge log down the river like its a surfboard! 

  There is a curious effect, when you have no ego, the incoming karma stuff can coalesce into a new ego that's not you, you are someone's reflection. In a fleeting way, it happens all the time: you take on karma to process it, the information of it has to be given back. You have become a vessel of the information. It is a something in the nothing so for a moment you become that.

   Same if you attach to anything. Grow a new ego around it and not notice.  The karma bits can take time to get embedded like that, the vortex will handle most of it and let you know where your consent is needed. My Shaman guide used to execute me in a vision occasionally, if I grew an ego. These days more likely just push me through my own death gate. Vortex is much gentler.

  I am moved to explain: if someone offers to do an ego death ritual, run away fast. Ego death is something that happens naturally once the karma is purified. Trying to rush it makes a mess. You end up with an ego that believes it is enlightened, and is blinded to how the karma remaining in the body still controls them. A newly born ego is as impressionable as a baby ducking that God/parents on the first "big thing" it sees,..  so ego death is popular with cult leaders who want to kill your identity  and make a robot slave. The new ego tends to be kind of one-dimensional, like how a "born again" Christian doesn't want to talk about anything else.

  So even though you are getting amazing assistance, max pace that you can handle, there are really no shortcuts to the very thorough karma cleansing. Just ride it out, for sure an interesting trip! What you are learning, about the flow of letting go, is how to stay ascended. Purifying the karma of the body, erodes the ego slowly enough to allow your mind to adjust to new ways of being.

  I have often said, only another shaman can understand what goes on in a shaman's mind. Only the people I have mentored through their Shaman training by spirit, really get the truth of it as their mind and perceptions are changed in ways they could not imagine. Vampires and Shamans are kin and its amazing for me to read your experiences.

The time travel, never gets old.
   Recently I did a session, lasted 2.45 hours. I thought I told the client 6pm, but I actually said 3:pm. His session started at 3:pm anyway.  He was coming to me with a problem of excessive extreme kriyas.  I remember, at some earlier point, thinking, if he was flopping around like a fish with kriyas he would not be able to type.  So, he would not be.  I got a gut sense of agreement (from something??) and did not give it another thought until after the session.
  He spent the whole time, 2.45 hours having intense ones of various types, knowing it was me working on him,  until 15min before I contacted him at 6pm.  By the end of the session it was clear to both of us that most of the kriyas caused by my work on him, had been neatly backdated by exactly three hours so that he would be able to stay focused and type. I  had been taking a nap at the time, refreshing myself for the session.  When I thought about it later, it was clear that I had not done it twice, once in sleep.  I had been in both places at once during the session though I was scarcely aware of it.  Three if you include my own body. A few other places for stuff we worked on, I guess.  For him it seemed time travelled but "I" did not go anywhere, being quantum and potentially, already everywhere at once. For me the session was a singular experience that felt like it had some layers to it. That's pretty normal on my end.

  Ascension, is binary.
  Nonduality, nothing and infinite.
  Duality. The somethings that are finite in time and space.

   Zero and one. Ascended, you are zero. Take on karma, or attach to something, now there is a something not a nothing, eh?  Descend back into duality.
  I think of it as "Home" and "Work." There is no karma, in non-duality. Everything is perfect as it is, it is all Goddess.  Nothing to fix, nothing to snack on, no problems to solve. Float along following inspiration. Zen Master stuff.
  Shamans and vampires are service industry, we have work to do and its wired in to us to need to do it to preserve our own well being.

Just need to trust the process and where I am.

  Yup. Just flow with it.

There is definitely a pattern here where I clear out massive amounts of karma, prostrate myself in deep surrender and experience Grace for a few days to a week, then another log jam comes about. I was laughing the other day about how the stuff I'm doing for work is probably the last thing most overwhelmed empaths would want to do, yet, here I am. Definitely feels like I'm being trained to transmute massive amounts of karma fast, very difficult work. I suppose on some level I was up for the challenge.

Sometimes I go into doubt, like, if I really was a vampire, wouldn't the suffering be over by now? All I know is that I go through periods approximating hell, prostrate myself and end up once more in incredible beauty, flow and Grace, then I feel it coming back again--another hell. The most recent period of Grace, I remember hoping this was "it"--that I had made that breakthrough and the worst was behind me. So much synchronicity lined up at once and it felt like Goddess winked at me when a satire I submitted to a writing contest actually placed--what? It made me realize that dreams really can come true and that intuition I have followed over the past year or two was actually correct. But my access to creativity--it only really feels present when I'm clear. When I'm bogged down and doing the whole crucifixion thing, inspiration vanishes.

QuoteThere is a curious effect, when you have no ego, the incoming karma stuff can coalesce into a new ego that's not you, you are someone's reflection. In a fleeting way, it happens all the time: you take on karma to process it, the information of it has to be given back. You have become a vessel of the information. It is a something in the nothing so for a moment you become that.

That has already happened to me a few times--acting in a weird manner that confirms whatever beliefs a person has about me. Romantic relationships have become incredibly tricky, and I recently realized I need to surrender the whole concept and trust the right person will come when the time is right, Goddess willing. I like having some semblance of a social life but I find that lately when I'm "dating" someone they become ignited with fire-like passion and attraction to me and, on some level, I feel like this is Goddess in them stirring. The whole concept of something like "kundalini" or "empathy" (let alone vampires) is so foreign to so many people, even to many ostensibly in the new age community, and for them to come under the influence of these energies at work in me feels disingenuous on some level--it's not like I could explain it: they wouldn't believe it. Anyhow, the strength of these reactions alone leaves my system shell shocked, even the pleasurable aspects leave me unsure of exactly where I end and they begin: what I want, as opposed to what they want.

Since there is a tendency for others' karma to stick to us, particularly when we have our own resonant issues, does that mean we should be more careful in choosing our "victims"? For instance, I think it's easier to clear karmic issues of others when they involve things that I've already been through. But I seem to be more prone to crashing when I open myself more broadly to taking on whatever goes by...

Interestingly enough, when I feel like people are being rude or inconsiderate, their karma seems to go down the easiest. It's as if on an ego/surface level I react to them with annoyance. But after I get over my annoyance and eat some of their karma that seems to bring us closer together somehow.

Quote from: glassa24 on Aug 08, 2018, 03:45:26 PM
Since there is a tendency for others' karma to stick to us, particularly when we have our own resonant issues, does that mean we should be more careful in choosing our "victims"? For instance, I think it's easier to clear karmic issues of others when they involve things that I've already been through. But I seem to be more prone to crashing when I open myself more broadly to taking on whatever goes by...

  ok, so much wrong with that premise.
  They are not victims if they agreed to it and benefit. Call them donors, snacks, but not victims.
  If they are feeling victimized then you are not doing it right.
  You do not choose the donors, vortex does.
  It will not choose donors who poison you, ego does that.
  For sure, if you are taking on karma from people without their consent then you will get stuck because Goddess won't accept stolen property, and the vortex won't help with black magic. Black magic is defined by the absence of consent and carries additional karma weight.
  Being open is good.
  Taking stuff on... why? Are you Jesus?
  The vampires are not doing that. The vortex does the berry picking in the environment, and gets consent.

  The vampire reality is ... one of my vampires said today that there is a new imperative to remain open to all impressions incoming, without attaching to any of it, and especially not attaching to the emotional reaction to it. That is transparency. It all flows through and nothing sticks. Opening up to take everything, of course is going to crash and burn over and over.

  This all adds up to a  picture of what it would look like, if someone with an ego attachment to being a vampire, is trying to work with a vortex, that is imaginary. A sock puppet that reflects what ego thinks is right...  but is so not equipped with the right stuff to do the work of a real vortex. If you have a vortex, it would be quite pissed about what you have been getting up to in its name.

   What makes you think you are a vampire? Respond in a new thread of your own if you like. You can ask the vampires if you feel like kin to them. 

Quote from: glassa24 on Aug 08, 2018, 03:45:26 PM
Interestingly enough, when I feel like people are being rude or inconsiderate, their karma seems to go down the easiest. It's as if on an ego/surface level I react to them with annoyance. But after I get over my annoyance and eat some of their karma that seems to bring us closer together somehow.

In the other thread we talk about bad vampire behavior, pissing people off to feed on their spewing. Shaman technique too, but gentle listening... trigger and vamp. I advised projections can be eaten, if they are seen as a gift rather than aggression.  A clumsy way of donors unconsciously giving the karma to the guru.  It is tricky, some people don't want to give it up, they want to be validated. Especially if they are responding to being poked.  Sometimes pleading guilty to all crazy accusations is the best way to get them to let go their end of the rope. On a good day they will snap out of it once the karma is accepted and start apologizing for acting so crazy before.

  Karma vampire games mastery level is regular human potential but previously only taught to shamans and FST Lineage (the vortexes templated the trick!) Karma vamp judo, grab a projection and pull until its all gone from them so completely they don't even remember they had an issue.  Not taught because it has potential to be used manipulatively, and the consensuality is a bit borderline,  often the stuff cannot be surrendered and has to be processed the slow way, working through the emotions. Easy to get stuck. Not needed either because, FST rule is turn inward and change yourself instead.

Karma vampire games are not part of FST because they are related to healer training and FST is not healer training, or shaman training or vampire academy. It is a good all round mystery school education that is beneficial, foundation to all those, and other types of healers but it is set up an inward focused path for regular folks with kundalini. "What you see is yourself reflected."  Messing with people isn't part of FST training, "Road to hell of good intentions", is.  The discipline of personal responsibility and surrender. Feed by grounding.

  When I identify a shaman in FST, I tell them so, but I do not really start to mentor them until they graduate. The mentoring happens outside of FST. One of my rules for inclusion of FST content is accessibility. Only what anyone can learn to do, with patience and persistence. Stuff only shamans can do is not included.  What would be the point, but to show off, make people jealous, give them failure?  After a discovered shaman graduates, there is some revision.  I have some explaining to do about how the rules of respect for free will are different for the service industry born.

  Someone who is not, cannot get away with trying to do the same stuff. The rules of karma for regular folks are much stricter. The Divine Beloved operates with a different set of rules, different imperatives but it is still, a quantum being!

  Yes there are some workarounds but I am not going to share them here because FST is about the inward focus. "Change the world by changing inside of yourself" is central to FST.  It does not teach how to mess with people.

  Part of my concern about mixing vampires with FST... the appearance of conflicting messages.
  FST is: Don't mess with people. If you have an issue, it is your issue they reflect so you can resolve it within yourself. Self reliance and personal responsibility. Essential.

  For shamans and vampires: Messing with people is an imperative embedded in your DNA, the important thing is to learn how to do it right, which is mostly about letting the guides... Still about surrender.  The rules get some loopholes and but as you can see, the vampires still have to change inside of themselves first. The vortexes are using other peoples karma, consensually collected, as fuel for transforming and purifying the vampire.  For Shamans and vampires, the ascension guide is primary. I did not even meet my DB in my mirror until after I had fully accepted my shaman guide.

  FST is useful training for shamans and vampires, but shaman and vampire training does not really belong in FST.

   I appreciate the questions though. Helping me get 7 years of intensive research into words, is helping me to build the new vamp school. 

 

This might be a bit of a silly side question but I've been getting a ton of deja vu over the past few months. Intuitively I get the sense that it's a byproduct of being re-calibrated. But when it happens it really does feel like some kind of glitch in the matrix, or like I'm stepping outside of/observing the stream of time from some different angle. Of course, I suppose it could just be a literal brain glitch, or even karma releasing. Either way I usually just observe it with detachment and it passes. Nonetheless, it is an interesting phenomenon.

So I think the deal with me with surrendering is that I simply haven't been doing it enough. For the longest time, I had this staunch resistance in my body to even doing it, which I now recognize to be the very thing that needs to be surrendered most: ego grasping like life or death. It seems that 30 min sessions and I start getting somewhere with it. I guess I always thought 1, 2, or 3 expressions of surrender and the blockages should be gone; considering how buried I've been over the years, that was kind of a silly expectation. More excuses, resistance in disguise. With intense repetition, momentum of intention seems to build. There are certainly numerous pieces and angles to these blockages.

What I've gotten back has been clear enough: lack of congruence and energy discipline has sharper and faster feedback now. I did manage to blow myself open a year or so ago and the shreds of ego that remain have been reeking havoc. Basically, there is no going back and it's time to get with the program. In some ways, I'm playing catch up.

It makes sense that the remaining incongruence and karmic blockages would catch the incoming karma from around me. Having less sticking-points can only help, going into the future. If I commit to a routine like this, it feels like progress will be rapid. It's like I can feel it just in the distance.

Back to work...

Interesting, keep getting led back to the vortex and revising the past. Certainly seems primary and clears out a lot of stuff fast when I get it right.

 TheFifth wrote: But when it happens it really does feel like some kind of glitch in the matrix, or like I'm stepping outside of/observing the stream of time from some different angle.

  Time and space do not really exist and you are becoming quantum. We still have a linear mind, one thought at a time, experiencing one place and time.

  Linear mind: space and time and travel. Wormholes.
  Quantum mind: I am all that is and I just tune in on the part of myself that is already  there and then.
  Linear mind experiencing being quantum feels like glitches in the matrix.

So I think the deal with me with surrendering is that I simply haven't been doing it enough.

  lol yes. When you wrote: There is definitely a pattern here where I clear out massive amounts of karma, prostrate myself in deep surrender and experience Grace for a few days to a week, then another log jam comes about.

  I thought, well if that is what makes you feel better why not do it more? Prostrate yourself 5x a day like Moslem prayer instead of waiting for the logjam to build up. 

   I am physically in muslim prayer position, mentally at the feet of the Shaman guide, begging for mercy if I get really stuck. Putting myself into a submissive pose and mind set empowers him to do more.  Sometimes he whips out a sword and cuts off my head! Immediately I become nothing but a spark of consciousness observing, sometimes I have watched as the body is incinerated or decays to dust. 

  A few years ago I wrote about working too hard and crashing into burnout, my energy went flatline for 3 months. Some people congratulated me on my recovery and I did not explain, there was no recovery, I died of it. Three months my energy totally turned inward doing repairs but there was no repairing the self sacrificing identity that landed me there, its purpose was completed. Once the body had recovered, it was executed and reborn tougher.

  That is mercy, for a shaman, ego death does not affect us the same, does not come from ego motives. Shamans guides start executing ego when we are toddlers, so instead of growing a mostly impenetrable veil like a normal ego the process is continually interrupted in fatal nightmares, shredded and never allowed to close completely.  We don't get a "duckling" effect, we are reborn in the fiery crystal heart of the planet to be as Goddess wills.

With intense repetition, momentum of intention seems to build.

  Yes, the more you practice at it the better you get. The more you practice, the less of it there is, getting in the way. 

  Momentum, like a roller coaster or snow slide. Hard slow climb to the top and then you kind of hit a tipping point, where you are more surrendered than not and the guide is more empowered, the ride gets faster and more fun with less effort.

  It is like learning to get, and stay grounded. The more time you spend practicing the grounding and letting go of what ungrounds you, the easier it gets to stay grounded. Repeated practice until it becomes ingrained like a reflex, gives stability when the tougher shadow stuff starts to rise.  FST is paced, like that. Your discipline of surrender is the same as the rest of FST except it is to the vortex primarily, but while all this cleansing is going on you are also developing your relationship with it. How to relate to it, how it responds to things, what works.

  Technically, the guides are our slaves. There is an improv game called "Clever slave, stupid master" so I know how that comedy act works out! That dynamic is always present because we have the free will, the God-power. Or as one shaman's guide said to her "Yes you have free will, and sometimes you are stupid enough to use it!" Monkey flying the rocket ship...

  Regarding dreams and plans. Our most deeply cherished dreams and desires, come from Goddess inspiration in the first place and She does give them back better than you could have imagined, when the time is right.

  My first satori-nirvana experience was in grade 6 after reading Jonathan Livingston Seagull. It was so resonant, the bird was a misfit like me but it was because he was spiritually gifted, and he becomes an ascension teacher. It was not so much wanting to be him when I grew up, so much as a recognition of the truth of myself.  I let it go, forgot about it, pursued a variety of careers from hair styling to sales to performance to commercial art... before destiny had its way and I became an ascension teacher with big white wings...    

It's funny -- for the longest time I felt like my grounding wasn't working or that I was doing something wrong but the other day I realized that grounding is what has been keeping me sane, lol. Through all of the craziness I've always kept that center, and even a sense of humor, as difficult as it has been at times.

Not sure if this belongs here or VMA or both.

Over the years, so much of the learning on this path has taken place in the reality-sandbox of everyday life.  Yesterday, fed up once more with chronic exhaustion and a general sense aimlessness, I decided to once more talk with my vortex in yet another attempt to get to the bottom of what has been troubling me. I stopped trying to tell it what to do, or to control the outcome in any way whatsoever. Literally, there was no more fight left in me. Grace seemed to be the reward. There was immediate release of something I had been unconsciously resisting for weeksâ€"I had only to examine it and see the Unity, rather than the fear, the separation.

Today, following some kind of whim, I went to a local cemetery, burial site of my grandfather with whom I share the same birthday. I figured that, as an eater of grief, I might as well go to the epicenterâ€"the very heart of grief itself. I walked around the cemetery, feeling the still wisdom of death all around me, the somber reminder of the fleeting quality of life that makes it so precious. I looked down at the tombstones, gaining years of perspective in seconds. I waded through the landscape of flat tombstones, sprinkled with towering flowers of various colors until I reached the highpoint overlooking it all. I invited the vortex to feed, and feed it did.

I looked out over the landscape for a timeless moment, feeling the boy inside me who had visited the site countless times in the past, oblivious to its hidden treasure. I had read about how grief can taste like candy to vampires, and that’s exactly the flavor it took. It was one of those moments where everything seems to come full circle.

Even now, hours later, I can feel my body using the energy to heal. I feel like I have been deprived for so long, in ways I couldn't understand, looking for such candy in all the wrong places. Over the past few days, I have felt some uncanny sensation of my ancestors guiding me, reaching out to me. I recall moments picking up photos of my own deceased father, only to be reminded that it was his birthday. All of it may just be some elaborate metaphor for where I am in the present, and how everything is connectedâ€"it probably is.

I don’t know what the lesson is here. There is a sense of such tranquil humility that comes over me when I make peace with death, which itself doesn’t even feel entirely real anymore: at least, not as the boogeyman most people project onto it. Why is it so illuminating; why does it yield so much wisdom, lend so much vibrancy? There is this soft golden light that seeps through, reminiscent of light filtering through church windows. Hallowed. But it comes from some untraceable source, neither within nor without. Either within or without. At this point, all I really want is peace of mind. I’ve been so exhausted for so long. To this end, this may be a major breakthrough, a temporary peak-experience, or both; nonetheless, I feel that I have taken a step in the right direction; or, at least, I have come one step closer.

Rocket ship feels like it has definitely launched.

Last night my guide told me that my ego trying to run the show has been like Danny Devito trying to dribble a basketball. It was hilarious at the time and there's really no way I could have possibly drawn such a brilliant and concise way of putting it. It feels like I have a Zen master inside of me using humor to teach.

There is a sense of such tranquil humility that comes over me when I make peace with death, which itself doesn’t even feel entirely real anymore: at least, not as the boogeyman most people project onto it. Why is it so illuminating; why does it yield so much wisdom, lend so much vibrancy? There is this soft golden light that seeps through, reminiscent of light filtering through church windows. Hallowed. But it comes from some untraceable source, neither within nor without. Either within or without. At this point, all I really want is peace of mind. I’ve been so exhausted for so long.

Ahh the Golden light! You made it! Avalon! (Applauds!)

At some point in the cemetery, when you made peace with death, the Gates of Avalon opened and you stepped through.  The journey is done, you are out of the woods. This is the place of healing, rest and respite before you take the last, effortless step into non duality. Where you recover from the difficult journey and come to a wider understanding of your path through the Abyss. Relax and enjoy your time there.

  It is not a place you go to, or something to find by looking, but a place you find yourself, when the journey is done. Historians argue for centuries about a physical location for it, with no conclusions because it is in a different dimension. A way station, beautiful rest hospital/spa along the road to Ascension.

  I named it that my first visit, in the 90s. So beautiful place! 
  I have not encountered a description of it in any mystic books so was inspired to name it myself, as I do with some things... Yet I know, it is right.

  It is a very specific dimension, like the antechamber to non-duality. Distinctly recognizable with the soft golden light subtly gilding everything, the peace and healing and a sense of it all coming together... the debriefing.  It is a place to rest and recover after the difficult journey, isle of healing and tombs of heroes who are immortal. All the Shamans I have mentored through Hell road have experienced it, usually lasts a week or more. Chill, rest, enjoy it. I love it there.

  It is like taking a spa day before your wedding, to be at your best- rested, refreshed and perfectly groomed for the big event. The next transition is effortless, when you are fully recovered and debriefed, it will flow automatically. The golden light fades to be replaced with the clear light the Buddhists speak of, and you have arrived. Ascended.

  You made it! I am so happy for you.

  Here is some mythology of Avalon for your enjoyment.

https://mythology.net/others/concepts/avalon/
http://www.faena.com/aleph/articles/avalon-a-place-between-mythology-and-the-utopia-of-a-lost-kingdom/
http://d.lib.rochester.edu/camelot/theme/avalon   

There was/is certainly a feeling of immense peace. Central channel still feels like it's on fire, though. I'll just keep surrendering. Just this growing lack of concern with things -- don't know what will remain of me on the other side but not too worried about it. Consciousness has this sense of diffuseness in the sense that I recall meeting some people over the weekend and getting this sense of whatever "reality tunnel" they were in.

Will keep surrendering, this is encouraging.

I feel so close to walking away from everything, but I don’t know what that looks like, or if it’s even necessary, or possible, or if there’s a plan for me on the other side.

I suppose that I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m trying to keep the wagon on the road in this productivity-crazed culture, but the very act of doing so feels like it inevitably causes resistance/stress on  this taxed body and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to strike a balance. I’ve learned over the years that Spirit seems it could not care less about matters of money or material success, the expectations of my family or society, which alone has never been important to me. I don’t know. The work I do with the mental health and substance abuse counselingâ€"it feels meaningful, rewarding, and I’m told I’m exceptionally good at it (empathy is my biggest strength and potential point of vulnerability). The paperwork, the bureaucracy, the “productivity” expectations of the agencyâ€"none of these things feel sustainable over long term. Burnout and/or hitting the breaking-point feels inevitable.

Living the life of a reclusive artist has always been that elusive dream. More and more, it feels like an inevitability. I suppose there’s some lingering thread of pride that keeps me pushing forward with what I’m doing, soldiering through everything in pursuit of this “career” (the idea of a “career” means absolutely nothing to me in comparison with the work itself). It’s a bit of a miracle I’ve gotten this far, honestly, going from that reclusive, scatter-brained child with chronic fatigue syndrome to the verge of getting this master’s. One of my professors always calls his brain “Jimmy,” having studied neuroscience and learning that the brain is milliseconds ahead of us. My “Jimmy” has always been good with learning and weaving together jargon, making connections, having moments of insightâ€"I’ve gotten a lot of mileage off of it, despite this stoned haze I seem to always be in.

I don’t know. I’ve been flattened pretty good over the past few days, feel pretty surrendered right now, craziness and emotions converted into scrambled brains and migraine. The things I’ve got going on, there are no models for it in the culture. People like me aren’t sanctioned in the Western world.  I just don’t know how much longer I can keep up the veneer. I have no clue what the alternative would be, other than everything falling apart and having to go on disability assistance.

I don’t know. I tend to be pragmatic and I’m not complaining. There’s just…incongruence, and I don’t quite know where/what the points of pressure are. I’m pretty consistent and deliberate with decisions and I’m not the type to be rash. But if I’m funneled by circumstance in certain directions, it’s not like I have much, if any choice in the matter.

I surrender all of this, gently.

Guidance how been pretty adamant about nudging me to write up and explore this topic, and it has been very particular in its silent, subtle wisdom about pointing me to do it here. The question: Do I love myself? For the longest time my reflexive answer was, Of course! Of course I love myself. I've been my own best friend for as long as I can remember.

Then I look closer. I get more precise. I notice the flinching resistance I get in my body almost every time I ground, the way I often reject myself before other people get a chance to, beating them to the punch. It's always been this strange dichotomy between blissing out on my own but not feeling worthy of other people's kindness and affection.

Do I love myself? Yes and no. And it's the 'no' part that begs further examination. It's sharp in the stomach muscles, a wordless sense of inherent badness and I have no idea where it came from. When I press on it, it is quick to defend itself, to dig in and hang on for dear life. Something tells me that this is it: the big blockage, what's been causing all this stuff to build up.

It's been shouting at me over all these years. I guess I was good at pretending it wasn't there, probably because it was clothed in dread itself. I'm so, so tired of going on with this burden, and necessity has pushed me to face it, directly, and give it love. Whatever its origins were, it served some purpose at the time that no longer serves me. The thought of casting this burden off brings such, such relief.

I don't know. I guess this is where I need to be right now, let this stuff just flow and surrender it all here as a gift to the Goddess. All-encompassing gratitude feels so powerful, and I've mustered the ability to conjure it on some occasions in the past. Working on getting better at doing so.

Quote from: TheFifth on Oct 12, 2018, 01:45:45 PM
I’ve learned over the years that Spirit seems it could not care less about matters of money or material success, the expectations of my family or society, which alone has never been important to me.

That is not quite true. The more closely you are living your purpose in Her service, the more easily you are provided for, sometimes from unexpected sources. Secret to money is not worrying about it. Try not to give energy to fear of scarcity but instead bless your bills as they come in, thanking Her in advance for taking care just as with surrender.

Quote from: TheFifth on Oct 12, 2018, 01:45:45 PM
I don’t know. The work I do with the mental health and substance abuse counselingâ€"it feels meaningful, rewarding, and I’m told I’m exceptionally good at it (empathy is my biggest strength and potential point of vulnerability).

Living the life of a reclusive artist has always been that elusive dream. More and more, it feels like an inevitability.

  Since the housing crash in the USA, increasing numbers of people are building themselves a tiny house, or renovating a van, trailer or rv, selling off everything and hitting the road, living minimalist. I like watching their youtube videos though I prefer a more settled life for myself. Some of them migrate from job to job and some are retired, but many work online somehow, paying the bills with a blog, videos, writing or some sort of art or consulting. Cell phone for wifi hotspot, plus web cafes, and off they go exploring the world.
  Professional house sitters who have no home but plenty of time to work on their blog or novel, people living in a school bus rent free in exchange for watching over a resort in the off season... the world is wide with alternative opportunities once you break out of the corporate mindset.
  Books like "the 4 hour work week" showing people how to run a small online business like an amazon store while living cheaply in Thailand or somewhere exotic.
  The trend is so popular, BBC shows about it are starting to show up on netflix, people converting boats, school buses and trailers into tiny homes after a divorce or mortgage troubles, or to flee brexit. 
 
 

Quote from: TheFifth on Oct 12, 2018, 01:45:45 PM
I suppose there’s some lingering thread of pride that keeps me pushing forward with what I’m doing, soldiering through everything in pursuit of this “career” (the idea of a “career” means absolutely nothing to me in comparison with the work itself). It’s a bit of a miracle I’ve gotten this far, honestly, going from that reclusive, scatter-brained child with chronic fatigue syndrome to the verge of getting this master’s.

  If you are close to getting a masters degree, then complete on that, especially if you have racked up a lot of student loan debt. You may want it later, when you are older or as credentials for freelance work.

Quote from: TheFifth on Oct 12, 2018, 01:45:45 PM
I don’t know. I’ve been flattened pretty good over the past few days, feel pretty surrendered right now, craziness and emotions converted into scrambled brains and migraine. The things I’ve got going on, there are no models for it in the culture. People like me aren’t sanctioned in the Western world.  I just don’t know how much longer I can keep up the veneer. I have no clue what the alternative would be, other than everything falling apart and having to go on disability assistance.

  I don't have a masters, or any real counselling  credentials but here I am advising people who have them, anyway, and with internet my client base is international. There is nothing stopping you from hanging out a shingle as an independent consultant. I bet your vortex can show you how to chew addictions right off people by clearing the issue they are using the addiction to hide from.

    I have seen this many times before, with kundalini people feeling the need to break free of their current lifestyle structures because they no longer value the average materialist lifestyle, and demands of spirit must come first.  Myself included. Typically the solution is to downsize, maybe relocate and find some sort of paying work that is unscheduled in that they can do it in their own time. Self employed, freelance or remotely.
   

Quote from: TheFifth on Oct 12, 2018, 01:45:45 PM
I don’t know. I tend to be pragmatic and I’m not complaining. There’s just…incongruence, and I don’t quite know where/what the points of pressure are. I’m pretty consistent and deliberate with decisions and I’m not the type to be rash. But if I’m funneled by circumstance in certain directions, it’s not like I have much, if any choice in the matter.

  Goddess economically blackmailed me into becoming a ProDom, but before that my ADD brain needed self employment or adjustable schedules like selling encyclopedias. Both, valuable experiences for my personal growth as leader and teacher.
In the early 90s I parlayed 1/2 a BFA into a IATSE permittee licence for doing props work in movies and TV. My longest job was two months on a teen drama series and it bought my first computer in 1996. My last job, I got a day call after I had been away from the work and more spiritually focused for some years... I had become ascended and felt really out of place,  a film set was not my world anymore. I sat down for lunch and an old chinese man asked to sit with me. I agreed, and he straight up asked me, what was I doing there? Telling me how I was not like the others. Totally validating exactly how I had been feeling all day, and sort of settled for me, that my place, where my talents and attainments led me = a spiritual teacher. 

  Ascended people, we don't really make choices for ourselves, we are led to where we need to be. There is also the flow, which is the best part.  We are provided for, in small and large things. Just have to open to it.

Quote from: TheFifth on Oct 24, 2018, 10:42:06 AM
It's sharp in the stomach muscles, a wordless sense of inherent badness and I have no idea where it came from. When I press on it, it is quick to defend itself, to dig in and hang on for dear life. ...

It's been shouting at me over all these years. I guess I was good at pretending it wasn't there, probably because it was clothed in dread itself. I'm so, so tired of going on with this burden, and necessity has pushed me to face it, directly, and give it love. Whatever its origins were, it served some purpose at the time that no longer serves me. The thought of casting this burden off brings such, such relief.

  You do realize you describe this thing as an aware and sentient part of yourself?

  People think of ego as a singular "I" but it seldom is. Especially close to ascension, the identity splinters come up to be integrated.   Vortexes do not see or comprehend identity splinters, and cannot help. I suspect they exist on a dimension the vortexes do not access. 

Sock puppets book is about this stuff, that's why you got poked to post here... Goddess poking me to get the book finished...  They can be resolved in minutes.

  Identity splinters do not respond to entity clearing because they are not foreign, they are part of you that got splintered off to do a job. They need to be addressed directly and told what to do.  Tell it what you are telling us, how you feel about it. Be sure to thank it for its past service and invite your DB to help it integrate with your core self again.

Thank you, Mystress, all of this speaks to me perfectly for where I'm at right now and a lot of this stuff I found myself contemplating in the car yesterday before even reading this, i.e. the personality splinters, though I didn't have that term to work with. It's felt like I've had these disparate personality fragments floating around in my consciousness for the past few months. At any point in time, one or the other comes to "possess" me in some way or another. While they are certainly shards of ego, they don't feel cohesive like they once did, as a part of a larger narrative-based sense of self. I feel as though I could almost sit down and write them each out, give them character descriptions and names. Every so often the insight hangs around that a lot of the "craziness" from before was just the unbridled insanity of ego undergoing sudden and rapid demolition.

So much of my personality seems to be influences from other people I've known over the years, traits from them that I picked up. Sometimes I wonder if that's a vampire trait? It's like I can feel the other person and what they're about and easily pick up the traits about them I most like. But then I wonder where "I" am underneath it all?

Something is happening the past few days. My beloved is "on the move" it feels like. I can feel her more and more radiating from every cell in my body. "Flow" has been occurring too, and the bliss that has been absent for the past eight months or so seems to be returning. There's a luminous quality to it, like I'm being overshadowed by a saint smiling down at me and I just find myself doing stuff, things working out better. But it's not just me--it's others, too. I first noticed it a few days ago when my mother shined, or the way me and my bandmates seem to suddenly be tapping into incredible inspiration and I just find myself practicing the music thing more, excited to wake up in the morning for the first time in many years.

Light seems to be coming back, and I'm so thankful.

I've been getting poked to keep doing the counseling thing, so continuing forward with that with faith and newfound confidence that it's all handled. My unconscious has encouraged me to get into music more too, which brings great joy and is something I've neglected for several years. My problem is I tend to have tunnel vision with my passions and a hard time balancing everything due to creative obsession. Everything seems to balance out automatically if I can remain grounded and surrendered and get into a state of pure action, which has been happening with greater frequency (can't seem to make it happen, just happens).

I guess I've been in this weird state of whiny ego and faltering faith in the fundamental goodness of the structure of reality, considering all of the suffering I see around me. "Job's syndome." I feel myself coming out of it though, gradually. I'm not sure how accurate of an impression this is, but I feel like the demons I've been wrestling with have been teachers in some ways, in the sense that when they start giving me beatings, it means I'm slipping into ego or resistance in some way. They feel like surrender enforcers.

What a road. When I first came here I felt so connected to the divine, so full of bliss, so connected with that wisdom and intuition. I had no idea how much was still ahead of me, how far I had yet to go and how many winding turns the path would take. I guess the shift in perspective is that I see perfection in the lows, as difficult as they were. I'm being shaped and chiseled into something I never would have imagined when I came here.

I've been on this treadmill for so long, the high and lows, adventurous and easily excitable, always wondering when I'll arrive at the conclusion of the journey. It compels me forward, sometimes gets me in over my head (lol) but it is certainly divine.

"I feel like the demons I've been wrestling with have been teachers in some ways, in the sense that when they start giving me beatings, it means I'm slipping into ego or resistance in some way. They feel like surrender enforcers."


Yep. The Latin word 'daemon' means guiding spirit. As Mystress has pointed out, Goddess use both carrot-on-stick and fear to keep us moving in the right direction. Carrot-on-stick to keep us motivated and move towards things She wants us to do and fear to run away from things that are not good for us.

Our inner demons are brutally honest about things we don't want to hear. The more we ignore our demons and their messages, the more ferocious and scarier they can be in order to get our attention. I am not saying that we should agree with our demons but we should listen without judgments. Listen to the concerns and fears of your demons. Your demons are actually your best friends because they never desert you and are always looking out for you. And their job is usually thankless. Most often we hate our demons despite the important lessons they have taught us about life. One of my favorite phrase is 'Have tea with your demons.' Next time your demons show you insights about your life, thank them for watching out for you.

"I guess the shift in perspective is that I see perfection in the lows, as difficult as they were. I'm being shaped and chiseled into something I never would have imagined when I came here."

Goddess is all and everything is as it should be. When we are grounded and in surrender, then it is possible to be an empty sky watching clouds pass by. Highs and lows may happen but we are always plugged in and sustained by the universal flow when we are grounded. Lows show us the depth of our own strength and the highs teach us to stay humble. FST guides us to see perfection in all that is. Happy for you

Actually...

As Mystress has pointed out, Goddess use both carrot-on-stick and fear to keep us moving in the right direction. Carrot-on-stick to keep us motivated and move towards things She wants us to do and fear to run away from things that are not good for us.

  I like to mix my metaphors, carrot *and* stick, lol. Carrot in front and stick beating your ass!

LOL... Thank you for the clarification Mystress.

"Have tea with your demons" -- that's a jewel, thank you. I might make a mantra out of that.