I was just pondering the times when I seem to encounter strong emotions or reactions in others, and I am not sure if I take the blame (get stuck with a sense of guilt? uneasiness?) of it even when it may have nothing to do with me.  I think it may come back to not wanting to cause hurt or harm in others, not being able to reconcile that the hurt was already in them to begin with.

When I was at a training a couple of months back on trauma, a fellow student spent the day withdrawn in her room and emerged at dinner time. Most of the people had gone so it was only a handful of us left. I looked at her and I had the impulse to say: So, what are you noticing going on in your body?  And I motioned around the solar plexus/stomach area. This other student then suddenly mumbled something and then collapsed on the table. Retrospectively I found out she had just changed her epilepsy medication the other day and was having an epileptic episode. So, the paramedics were called in and she went to the hospital, and she was fine afterward. I think I was rather shocked at the time and as I talk about this I do feel something in my own gut just below the heart.

On Tuesday, this guy came into the agency with a problem that was an easy fix. However, he didn't come to fix that problem, I don't think.  Complex trauma history. He just kept ranting loudly about multiple things other people, government, politics, his upbringing, other people's experiences, how his father shot his mother when he was around four, among other things. I listened. And he eventually left, with less steam, but without his simple problem being fixed. So, that is something he chooses to continue to carry. I did notice a heaviness on the top of my head, kinda like a dark/dense/yuckiness. The best thing I can describe it as is that yuckiness you get when you walk into a pub or an old room that has that old cigarette smell that makes you want to grimace. It cleared quite easy. However, what I still carry is my confusion of responsibility about what is the appropriate thing for me to do, given that I have to work within the confines of my job. I don't know why I get caught up in the whole: "I must do something to help in some way i.e. alleviate the hurt". It certainly doesn't give me a buzz for a job well done if I do help others.

Another thing I noticed was in online groups I get a bit riled when I try and speak simple and plain English, and people seem to misinterpret suggestions as statements of facts even when you use the correct preface and grammar. I then have the compulsion to bite them hard, figuratively.

Even if I have a laugh at it, later on, I feel the need to express my feelings of being both curious and miffed.

So, often, if I choose to engage in facebook support groups, whether it is auditory processing disorder, autism women support groups, sensory processing disorder, or something very specific I find I get into a heated discussion with some people. I usually end up deciding it's not worth my time or energy expenditure, and there are other more enjoyable or pressing things I could be doing instead of engaging in social drama.

For example, on an auditory processing disorder group, the opening poster posed a question specific to adults who have been diagnosed with the condition. I have spatial auditory processing disorder (comorbid to having Autism). The question posed: Do you think having APD causes issues with understanding social cues?

I shared my surface thoughts at the time, as I was responding on the train and didn't bother deep-thinking (considering the question from many different angles). So, I essentially said that I didn't think that APD by itself caused issues with understanding social cues. People with APD might not necessarily experience hearing difficulties in all environments.  I also used the example of people who are hearing impaired, as they have difficulty communicating in certain environments even with hearing aids (I have heard people with hearing impairments at work complain about hearing aids and noisy environments but they don't necessarily have issues with social understanding). I then said perhaps look into the female profile of autism? (not that I thought it was imperative of her to do so - it is okay to offer suggestions to people, right? they have the choice and control on the matter. I am not forcing them to do something).

The OP responded to me in a vague way, saying "Just because someone doesn’t pick up on social cues doesn’t mean they have autism". Which then confused me as I didn't say or mean to imply that if you have difficulty with social cues that you must have Autism. I simply offered the most prominent thought in my mind at the time on the train. I don't feel that I should spend 30 minutes thinking about one paragraph to make sure it is "right", but I sometimes feel that is what is required in order to minimise offense.  In saying that, I will acknowledge that I am biased, as I do think that Autism is under-diagnosed in females and is something worth considering and ruling out. And if I am sharing my top thoughts that is the thing I will mention. I digress. So, I really don't know what the OP meant by that response as it's vague and doesn't offer alternatives. I mean, did I cause offense? Is it derailment? Is she trying to correct me? Is she trying to educate me?

So, then I elaborated things a bit further and acknowledged that I could have talked about intellectual disabilities, ADHD, vision impairment, cultural differences, mental health issues among other things in relation to things to consider with regard to why someone would have difficulty with social cues. I then mentioned how the question was a bit vague to me, as it doesn't outline what social cues we are meant to be talking about (verbal, nonverbal, pragmatics, instinctual... what?). I reiterated that I was simply answering the original question, as the OP was asking for people's opinions about whether they thought APD caused issues with understanding social cues. I offered my opinion. My original response was that I thought that, on its own, it might not (I could be wrong! I would actually have to look at scientific publications to see if they have studied whether APD causes issues with understanding "social cues"). And I then posed to her (using her own words): So when you say not everyone with social difficulties has Autism, what other alternatives were you thinking of?

What is the purpose of these types of posts in these groups? is the person actually seeking differing points of view? Or just trying to seek validation for their own? to fulfill that sense of needing to belong? self-validation? I mean, groups are made up of a different people, it's fair to shush people because they don't agree with you. One choice is to ignore and carry on and the other is to engage in a battle of who will end up the victor? This is another thing I don't know how to navigate, as I want to be respectful of my SP and be assertive yet not get caught up in ego-battles.

And then some person decides to chime in at some point, in defense of the OP, who never got back to me (And I don't care if she does, frankly): There was virtually no animosity in ****'s post, relax lol.

Which then further miffed me because how does she know what the OP's intentions were based on "Just because someone doesn’t pick up on social cues doesn’t mean they have autism". How?? It's so very vague to me. And honestly, as I said, what kind of social cues? As someone who is autistic, my neurology is different so I don't pick up on subtle body language, I may not pick up on sarcasm, I don't perceive social hierarchies... there are many things to do with "social cues" that impact me because my brain fundamentally works differently. It takes a lot of energy to do it "manually". My central coherence connections are weak. I need details, to piece together, to see the whole picture. Autistics have problems filtering out the irrelevant details, whereas non-autistic neurology tends to look for the invisible relationship between the parts that define the whole, often ignoring the individual details. Hence why, people with autism often make good engineers and computer scientists.

The "relax" part riles me up because it's dismissive of the feelings that arose, even if it is well-intentioned it actually has the opposite effect on the person it is directed toward. This also applies to "calm down". I wasn't angry before but I am now sort of thing which then validates the other silly person's viewpoint. The person may ask you to calm down because they don't have the capacity to deal with the emotion themselves.

I have issues with feeling my healthy anger/aggression because of internalizing messages that any healthy debating or expression of passion which hasn't deteriorated into a name-calling fest is inappropriate. So, I feel angry now. I am not clenching down on my jaw. I feel this emotion in my gut. It's not directed at anyone in particular. My impulse is to roar and stamp my feet!

  Facebook is fucked. Don't take it to heart, what happens there. I have had people responding to accuse me of all sorts of crap over quite innocuous posts. I don't post spontaneously very often, unless its to laugh at a funny picture or compliment a friend.

  Considered posts get well considered, but sometimes it makes no difference.  I often choose not to respond to posts even if I think my perspective is useful.  I think the name: facebook, your public face, makes it such a bad ego fest.  So much posturing, with political correctness slipping over into bullying, feeding frenzies and lynch mob mentality. People with a lot of anger looking for an excuse and a target to aim it at. People who claim to be sensitive but think its ok to give abuse and bullying to someone they disapprove of, a lynch a mob of thousands. The concept of people taking responsibility for their own emotional reactions just doesn't exist there.

  I suggest you abandon the fb groups and search the web for some forums.

 

 

yes, that's very true. I keep seeing the following type of posts on FB, "Is this an [fill in the blank] thing? People just seeking reaffirmation. So, I have stepped away from it all. I could look into forums again, but my last attempt at that ended up with me getting into heated arguments with others. That was a few years ago now.

I've been getting into a mentally and emotionally overexcitable state the last week or so. The intensity of the energy is overwhelming (in the sense that I do not feel comfortable with it), so I do notice worries pop up e.g. is this mania? Am I in a state of hyperactivity? Also, I notice that feelings of guilt, shame, and worry have emerged from this state of being. Like, I am judging that it's not normal to be in this state OR I can't be this intense otherwise I am going to crash and burn. The image that comes to mind is a fish out of water flopping and flailing on the ground. So, I haven't been able to sit still for long, I have been talking quite fast and rapidly to people, I have found things quite humorous and joyful, and I have had an abundance of ideas flood my mind.

Old memories have surfaced over the last week or so, which the vortex has chomped on. I keep asking it what it would like to snack on and it keeps saying 'you'. So, I guess there is still an abundance of snacks for it to eat.I have been able to look at numerous situations from a different perspective.

I was feeling slightly envious today at a workshop I attended. This woman, maybe 1-2 years younger than me, was able to get into mental health peer work. This is something that I wanted to do at one stage. She now teaches and lectures about topics that I personally love (mental health, trauma, systems...etc.). I did the whole mental health, psychology, and social work stint but found the mountain insurmountable when I said I had Autism. I remember one hospital interview where they never got back to me, not even to say that I didn't get the job. I feel rejected by the mental health system, not just in this sense but also when I was at my darkest moments (when my body was out of control in my late teens - very intense anxiety). So, no help from the system - just the label of 'oversensitivity' when I ended up in the psych ward for suicidal ideation.

I have always found it hard to get help from any system and I wonder why others have an easier time of it.  So, part of me does wonder what this person has that I don't have which makes it easier for them to pursue that path. Why are others not turned away in their neediness? What makes them more deserving of attention?
Is it because I don't really need the help? Am I just being stubborn because I perceive that I am being excluded from something? And this lack of getting it makes me more determined that I should have it? That little child in me is saying "my needs deserve to be met too!"  I see that other people have been able to get help with much more ease, but it feels like I have to really fight for it OR force my way to get it. This then increases that sense of 'need'. Or do I give off a 'repulsive' energy? I really don't know but I am curious to know.

I may have exuded a sense of discomfort with myself in those various social work interviews. I did have some self-doubts regarding my capabilities due to the difference in neurology. I also wonder if my style of talking comes across as unrelatable, as I do sound like a walking textbook. I don't have 'social pragmatics'. So, my natural style of talking will make some people feel uncomfortable. This is evidenced by the blank look I get from people sometimes or when that guy who was quite activated said, 'I'm Australian and I speak Australian'. So, then I have to make an effort and think about how I can 'dumb' things down to a more 'relatable' level.

I do feel like I miss out on opportunities due to not being able to appeal to certain sides of people. For example, I was watching a younger male colleague laugh and talk about holidays and a range of other topics with one of the higher managers. The conversation just flowed. This ability to connect with that 'social-self' of others makes it easier for people to get better opportunities. I am not able to do this, as the effort I would put into doing this makes it feel quite contrived. It is contrived because I am Autistic and it's not part of how I am wired. So, I feel like I have to fight tooth and nail to get anywhere. I feel frustrated and annoyed.

I had a weird your teeth falling out of mouth dream last night. It was very slow, bloody process, and seemed to have too much flesh and teeth than a mouth could contain. I didn't feel disgusted by it. I was actually curious about the whole experience. It also doesn't feel like my stuff. hence why I wasn't that knotted up about it. Moving on.

I have been a member of FST since 2009.  I have gone through the lessons a few times now.  I am certainly not the same person I was when I first started. And I have seen quite a few people come and go and graduate over this time. I still don’t feel like I am at the point of ‘graduating’ FST, as I haven’t achieved certain lessons e.g. meeting the divine beloved. DB just doesn’t show. And I suppose that this is perfectly okay as there might be a few more things that need to fall into place first. I think it’s okay if this never happens. I wonder if some part of me feels like I am failing somehow, and there is that sense of ‘aloneness’ that keeps emerging (child me). And I do wonder what I have been speaking to all along, as I have had inner dialogue with something but it’s not my DB. So, I know I am not “alone” in that sense even if that feeling of “aloneness” exists in that other sense.  Maybe more to do with a sense of “belonging”.

I went searching through old posts (dating back to 2009). These are the issues that are ongoing or keep emerging at various points (in some form or another). I have worked at surrendering this stuff:
- General feeling of pointlessness/Not knowing what I want to do in life
- Head pains and brain fog
- Anxiety arising when doing grounding exercises. Not being able to shift a sense of 'dread in my gut'.
- Control Dramas
- Being a troll (that pokes other people). I actually have a sense of glee at poking other people but freak out when stuff gets directed back my way energetically. So, I have cut back on it because it did lead to being overwhelmed (high anxiety) and a waste of time/energy.
- Operating on a different wavelength to others. Feeling of general disconnection/lack of belonging.
- Jabbing pain in skull and gut. Scratching sensation in the throat. So, really strong physical sensations.
- Perfectionism/Insecurity/Self-Criticism
- A sense of 'aloneness' separate to the sense of 'belonging'
- Competitiveness

Dear Blossom,
Thanks for sharing. Advance apologies about the long response.

One of my ex has Asperger's. When we started dating, I did not know this because he did not tell me. I am very affectionate with my loved ones and like to express myself through words and actions. I am most miserable when I cannot express my love and happy when I take care of my loved ones. After the first few weeks, I got really annoyed and angry at him. We would have moments of wonderful intimacy and great conversations. And then he would just be aloof, non responsive to my affection, and act as if I don't exist at all. This confused me a lot because when we had moments of intimacy, it was truly wonderful. We had a huge fight and he told me that he has Asperger's. I read up online about it and thought to myself 'How the hell is this going to work? I *have* to express my affection to be happy and he has trouble reading body language, social cues, and expressing affection.' We continued seeing each other but it made him feel like he's not giving enough and made me feel guilty that I was expecting too much out of him.

One night I was feeling very low and felt lonely. He came over and laid down next to me. We had a conversation about feeling lonely. At that moment, he was the most comforting and loving presence for me because it felt like he understood the pain and solitude because of his Asperger's. This incident completely changed my attitude towards him. I could not see him as 'poor Asperger's kid' but instead saw him as a brave and unique individual who loved me plenty in his own way. It made me re-calibrate my expectations and approach to my relationship with him. We became very close after that. We still had moments of frustration and misunderstandings. Both of us had to make conscious changes to how we spoke with and understood each other. We loved each other and still are good friends.

Some of the stuff you mention in your posts (esp about having difficulty in social situations and feeling frustrated about it) resonated with my past experiences. Not saying that you both are the same. My ex helped me understand a lot of things about my own loneliness in a way that made it okay for me to be who I am irrespective of what others thought of me. I helped him navigate and understand social situations that terrified him.  When he was low in energy, he would simply withdraw because he felt no one understands him and all his efforts to communicate actually made the problem worse. When he was high in energy, he would relentlessly argue and fight back till the other person backed down (and still end up feeling lonely and misunderstood). Sometimes I would feel like he made it very difficult for others to love him even though I knew through experience that he is a loving and lovable person.

QuoteI don't know why I get caught up in the whole: "I must do something to help in some way i.e. alleviate the hurt". It certainly doesn't give me a buzz for a job well done if I do help others.

There are lots of reasons - some good, some not. If you're a decent human being, you want to help when you see others suffering. If you didn't do that, then you would be a sociopath. It's not just about being nice but is built into our DNA as social animals. The biggest strength of our species is that we can work with each other - one can be a pilot, one can be a doctor, one can be a teacher, etc... so that a single person does not have to do everything. We have split atoms, transplanted hearts, and traveled into outer space because we are social animals. So it's not a bad thing that you want to help. However, the way you act upon your intentions does make a difference.

Walking around thinking everyone else needs your help to be enlightened or to be happy is very arrogant. You cannot help someone who has not asked for help, no matter how good your intentions are. It would feel like a violation to them if you tried to help because it is actually a violation. It's like breaking-in to someone's home to remove their garbage. You may think that it is garbage and that you're helping them by removing their garbage. But they didn't invite you and you're breaking-in to take what's not yours - even if it is garbage. You don't get the buzz of helping others because you actually haven't helped others when you break-in without invitation. Next time you have the urge to help alleviate hurt, ask yourself 'Is *my* home clean?'. Do you have things that could be improved in your own life? If yes, then you can make the world a better place by helping yourself first. The best gift you can give to the world is being authentically happy.

I am not suggesting that you stop caring about people. When someone asks for help, please do help. That part of you is wonderful and kind. But as Mystress has pointed out several times, being savior for others is just clever ego refusing to give up control of being the doer. Assuming that you know what's better for another person even though they have not asked for help is also an escapist myth. It based on the false belief that your happiness depends on other people - fixing others as an avoidance mechanism. It's like when I want to procrastinate something, I will go looking for stuff to do so that I can avoid doing what I am supposed to do. I procrastinate because of my own anxiety about facing my task. It is easy to legitimate my avoidance behavior - the bath tub has to be scrubbed right now, I have to organize these old newspapers, etc... Next time you rush to help someone else or set things right in a FB discussion, ask yourself 'What am I trying to avoid?'

Quote
I also wonder if my style of talking comes across as unrelatable, as I do sound like a walking textbook.

My ex spoke like this too. Initially, I was offended because I felt like he was lecturing me about everything as if I was a child. On the one hand, I was attracted to him because he spoke intelligently and had interesting things to say. On the other hand, I felt like he won't shut up and *had* to have a say about everything. When I told him that he can come across as a 'condescending know-it-all', he was genuinely surprised. He said he thought of himself as someone who wants to learn from others and eager to share what he knows. I had to explain to him that not everyone wants to discuss things the way he does or has the same passion.

We also had a conversation about our childhood and how that shaped the way we think and talk. Both of us had similar experiences of having our opinions and feelings dismissed as irrelevant, made to question our own experiences, and had adult family members who made every conversation a debate/argument to be won. So when we spoke as adults, we spoke with an underlying anxiety of having to prove that we had to say was important and relevant. We both were terrified of being misunderstood because we both have had lots of past experiences where our words had been used against us. So when we spoke, we were trying to get perfect sentences that cannot be misinterpreted by the other person.

In my late twenties, I found wonderful friends who helped me understand my own anxieties and behavior. It took me a few years to unlearn a lot of my bad communication habits and I did it with the help of kind and honest friends. They helped me realize that having misunderstandings during conversations is not the end of the world. No one is going to persecute me for saying an incoherent sentence. At best, people will ask for more explanation if they cared about it. Most of the time, people are busy inside their own heads to pay attention to my mistakes. I am still conscious about how I express my emotions but I don't let it stop me from saying things I want to. I have learned to trust that the other person will not immediately dismiss me as irrelevant. The other person does not have to understand me *exactly* as I want them to in order for us to have a lovely and fruitful conversation. My friends taught me this through experience.

We all have things we can improve upon. It's good that you're reflecting upon your own experiences and figuring out what you want for yourself. Being considerate of other people and learning to communicate better is a good thing. But also keep in mind that you need to be true to who you are. There is no universally approved one 'correct' way of human communication. So please do not beat yourself up about not being a good communicator (I am saying this because my ex used to be really harsh on himself when he felt low). You're wired differently and so is everyone else.

Communication is a two way street. People get good at communication through practice. Sure... it's more difficult for some than others but nonetheless communication is a learned practice and not an innate talent. It's like flirting or learning to ride a bicycle. Everyone sucks when they do it first few times. Some have to practice harder than others. We all have unique strengths and limitations. I guess what I am trying to say is you don't have to change yourself in order to fit into another person's expectations about how to communicate. By all means, work on improving things what you want to change but not just to fit-in. In the words of Rita Mae Brown, "The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself."

QuoteOne thing you do keep repeating to me is "Don't be too hard on yourself" - I really honestly don't know how not to be. I can't seem to drop the perfectionism.

When we are children, we get punished for doing things 'wrong' and rewarded when we do things 'right'. Many times parents use 'with holding love' as a mechanism to discipline children. So we learn as children very early in our life that if we do the 'right' things, then we will be loved. Getting good grades is not just about getting good grades or learning but more importantly about earning the approval of our parents and teachers (authority figures who have the power to with hold love and punish us). Most adult workaholics have this belief at the root. If I work really hard and surpass everyone's expectations, then there will be no reason for others to not love me. It's sort of beating others to the punch - I am not going to give you the option of not loving me by being perfect. If I am perfect and do everything perfect, then other's will have no reason to not love me.

Being a perfectionist myself, I understand the pain and dilemma. Sadly, perfectionism never makes us truly happy. In reality, perfectionists are always afraid of what others will think about us and therefore never give ourselves the opportunity to experiment, explore, and grow. The worst thing you can do to your own self-growth is be a perfectionist. Only dead things can be perfect. Growing things are by definition imperfect. Perfectionists are unhappy with themselves and with everything else in the world. I am not good enough and others are not good enough according to my own perfectionist standards. There is a difference between wanting to improve yourself and wanting to be perfect. Perfectionism, at its root, is based on fear - fear of making mistakes, fear of making a fool of ourselves in front of others, and fear of being 'not enough' to be loved as we are in the moment.

Perfectionism is also full of vanity and ego. My shit stinks - just like everyone else's. There is humility in accepting I am loved as I am (warts and all) - even though I may not believe that I am worthy of love based on my own perfectionist standards. Perfectionism is sad because it's a self-imposed love starvation - I have to wait till I get perfect in order to enjoy life, allow myself to feel good about myself, and accept other's love. In many ways, other people's generosity and kindness shattered my perfectionism myth. I still have to consciously do things to remind myself that I am imperfect and that's okay. I can honestly say I am happier when I let go of my perfectionism. When my perfectionism kicks-in, I ask myself 'What are you anxious about?' It helps me see what I want to control - other people's perception of me.

In that past, I used to read a list of 'Daily affirmations' everyday first thing in the morning when I woke up. The first affirmation is about perfectionism and is adapted from Pete Walker's book on CPTSD. I am sharing it here because it helped me. Please use it as you see fit.
"Perfectionism is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect in order to be safe or loved. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake is an opportunity to practice loving myself."

Hope some of this was helpful.
Namaste!
Gopi

Thanks for sharing Gopi! 

Individuals with Asperger’s/Autism can very much be perceived the way you described â€" hot one minute and cold the next. It takes a lot of energy to sustain what doesn’t come naturally. One person even started a blog called ‘Heartless Asperger’s’ because she was not able to move beyond what she perceived to be a ‘deception’ from a boyfriend she had. And that the world should be warned about how horrible we are.

I think you’re misunderstanding me when I say, “I get caught up in the whole: I must do something to help in some way…”. I am speaking more about an urge which I then squash. I am trying to ask myself about a time when I last helped someone without consent and nothing presently comes to mind.  In my current job, there are many people with trauma issues. My role is not to work directly with that trauma, however, people do not check their trauma at the door when they come to see me for help with their practical issues. I gave an example in a previous post of a man who came in already outside of his threshold of tolerance and on the attack. I couldn’t help him with his practical issues because he was too caught up in his stuff, so he spent 10-15 minutes venting at me. I simply listened. His practical problem was an easy fix, but I could not help him with it. He ended up leaving after offloading his crap. I recognised that I had an urge to utilise some counselling strategies but stopped myself because that is not my job.  I think I said that he dumped something on me which I felt accumulate around my head, but that cleared quite easy. I would imagine that if I had stolen it the energy would have gotten stuck. I actually felt quite at ease after the exhange even when others kept asking me if I was okay, and needed to 'debrief'.

In the FB posts, I generally respond to opinion posts (e.g. what are your thoughts about apple strudels?) not advice seeking posts (e.g. can you help me fix this problem?). My problem is that when I offer my opinion someone is always ready to go on the attack because they weren’t after peoples opinions in the first instance. They poke the bear - me. So, when I am responding to someone it is because I have perceived an attack. I am going on the defense and my urge is to bite the other persons head off. And then I am self-critical and bash myself up for it (i.e. for lashing out at others).  Maybe there is a bit of a matyr thing going on there (i.e. I don't think I have the right to defend myself), I don't know. As I said to Mystress, I have stepped away from such posts. I like to have intellectual arguments, but I don’t like the attack sent my way (energetically) when I stir things up in other people. It is why I asked if the vortex could eat projectiles (energetic darts) sent my way in the vampire thread. So, I generally don’t engage with a lot of people outside of work. Even at work, I get projectiles sent my way when I give people news they don’t want to hear. I have a lot of this type of news to give. This hasn’t been a problem lately because it’s “snack food”.

The lack of buzz was about my experience working in 1:1 mental health (a job I left well over a year ago â€" I have a habit of referring to things from different points in time as though they were happening now â€" I suppose in my mind it is happening now). It wasn’t within my job description to be a “psychologist” or a “counselor” yet that is what people expected from me. My role was more case-management and practical skills development. It was both draining and frustrating working in that role when other people kept expecting something from me I could not give them. So, the lack of buzz isn’t from stealing another person’s stuff.

My perfectionism stems from a strategy to avoid being attacked. My parents just punished - they did not offer any rewards or encouragement for good behaviour. As a child, no-one really had my back, and no one taught me how to be assertive. I had to make do with my body’s responses to being attacked. It created a protective armouring to defend me. I strive to be perfect in some areas of my life to avoid getting in trouble or to avoid getting attacked. If I slip up at work, I am open to being attacked.  Vulnerable. There is something major that gets set off in my belly when I feel threatened i.e. an overwhelming anxiety and a need to lash out physically or verbally. A rage. It is simply an old protective mechanism. I think Mystress addressed this or some other protective mechanism (same area in the belly), again in the Vampire thread, when she said that she didn’t mean to ‘shut me down’ when responding to a post I made. In the past, those hard-lined responses would shut me down OR rile me up like a volcano!

I have been pursuing massage again recently to try to soften the defensive posturing and to soften my fascia. It is why I have been saying that messages have been very painful for me because my body has probably become quite stone-like. It needs to be softened like dough.

I was just thinking about Gratitude. It's something that has popped in and out of my mind all day.

I sometimes find it challenging to say thank you (there is an edge of resentment mixed in). Maybe my idea of thankfulness has become quite limited or tainted over time i.e. you have to verbally tell people that you appreciate their efforts. I was chopped into a lot growing up and even in early adulthood (by those outside my family) when I didn't say 'Thank You!'.

I remember in my early 20s my sister's ex-boyfriend had a go at me after dinner when I didn't immediately say Thank you! to his mother when dinner was served. I was more used to saying thank you when leaving someone's place... e.g. general appreciation for the hospitality. I guess, what was triggered in me, was that I was a bad person for not saying thank you after every little action that someone else did.

Like, people are owed thanks or a pat on the back for their efforts, and that there is something wrong with me for not acknowledging it.

I can't say people have always said thank you to me for things that I have done. So, resentment grew from contradictory messages. I twisted myself into a knot about the idea of 'gratitude'.

What are the subtle ways appreciation can be shown?

I am reminded of the people who work in 'thankless jobs'.  People sometimes say, "this is a 'thankless' job".

Does the universe actually smile at you?

When someone is genuinely thankful you know it (sometimes they may not express so in words). And I guess if you're expecting an expression of thanks (i.e. you feel owed thanks), then there is a need to examine the motivations behind that.

I am going to sit with the idea of being "attacked" (i.e. the victim). It does have a negative connotation to it e.g. people are intentionally doing something to me. They don't like me. The universe is doing this to me. They are out to get me...They are sending me their baggage because they hate me... Poor powerless me...It goes on...

I ask myself where does this stuff originate from and my mother pops into my mind. It could actually be more than that - I suppose it will unravel more given space.

I also get twisted up around the idea of what I have constructed "boundaries" to mean. The vortex doesn't want any boundaries or defenses.

Last thought for today, I also seem to have issues with the concept of "gifts". I associate gifts with celebrations.

Growing up and even now, my family doesn't really celebrate i.e. anniversaries, birthdays, promotions, graduations, Christmas, family reunions etc.

I think the overall perception towards gifts is a general feeling of disappointment.  Stuff I don't get to experience or being gifted stuff I didn't actually want. So, how can I accept the stuff given to me if it disappointments me (i.e. not a reward)?

The concept of snacks is easier to digest. I like snacks.

It is good to see how certain things land in the body (i.e. heavy, dense, light) and get a sense of the 'flavour' of it. And following that trail, you can get a sense of where it originated from and what was needed in that moment.