Over the past few months, things have taken on a new level of intensity, and, for the first time since getting involved in all of this work, I find myself wondering whether the whole kundalini thing has just been the universe playing a big joke on me, or that I’m actually schizophrenic, or on my way to becoming so. The symptoms are dramatic: frequent deja vu, a periodic sense of encountering powerful, timeless deities, growing spaceyness and cognitive sluggishness, physical exhaustion, the overwhelming sense that whatever “I” am is disintegrating inside, dissolving. There is an associated, underlying fear that I’ll dissociate completely and wake up institutionalized, or simply “lost” forever.
   
Right now, writing this, I can feel “the Gods” watching me: fierce, timeless, immensely powerful. I don’t know what they want from me, how I tuned into that "wavelength," if I’ve angered them, or if this sense of interaction with “the hierarchy” is just a figment of a vivid imagination.

I recently came to the sharp realization that much of my “surrendering” has been resistance in disguise, and this issue has proven to be very, very tricky for me. I have a talent for resistance. Being a student in the midst of a rigorous program, I started using Adderall to try and keep everything together and even that ended up backfiring. The mental sluggishness makes me need to pick my battlesâ€"where I expend mental energyâ€"but now, I find that there’s the growing necessity to avoid battles altogether. Looking back at various points in my process, I see moments of pseudo acceptance, pseudo surrender born of hollow intention that does not withstand the real test of when things “get real,” when Goddess ups the  ante. I surrendered in word, thought and deed: but in my heart I still clung. I suppose that seeing this from a new angle may well be a sign of progress.

While the periods of internal emptiness were once blissful, they are now punctuated by periods of incredible psychological pain, the origins of which escape my understanding. Heat in my head, restless limbs, moments of nameless terror in my solar-plexus: a sense of looming madness, promising to overcome me completely. Somehow I always remain intact, even if I feel like an illusion. I suppose that I prefer to be a joyful illusion, rather than a horrified one (haha). I find that I feel more on the “crazy” side when I go too long without chiropractic adjustmentâ€"there is a sense of tension, or energetic congestion in my neck. Perhaps I should start getting these adjustments on a more frequent basis. But I’ve tried several interventions: increasing grounding and mixing up techniques (i.e. sitting against trees, dumping overload, etc.), to little avail. The only thing that seems to help is writing things out like this.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a chemical balance, or some form of genetic destiny (as if psychological disturbance can be reduced to such simple terms). But the fact that there’s heat and the symptoms change from day to day: this tells me that kundalini is involved, working through something heavy. Deep issues. Stepping aside has been difficult. I remember just wanting to give up this whole awakening process; that I didn’t know what I was getting into, or that madness is the ultimate end of a fool like me playing with the occult. Getting in over my head.  Last night I prayed, emphatically, begging for mercyâ€"for something. Today there were small glimmers of hope, moments of serenity.

The fact is that this awakeningâ€"it just happened. Maybe I did ask for it on some level, but it’s all been in Goddess hands all along. It's always been coherent: the way I was led to information to understand what was happening, the way it all unfoldedâ€"but where did that guidance go? I feel so alone now. There’s this part of me that through all of this feels increasingly humbled, like the best thing for me to do is to keep my head down and just let the energy work me. If I go nuts, I go nutsâ€"right? The life of the mind is important and pleasurable to me, and attempting to maximize my mental stamina has proven a major point of resistance. But if Goddess wants to take that, there’s nothing I can do about it. Maybe if I can muster up the faith to give it up, She’ll give it back better.

Anyway, I’m in a lighter, more joyous space now. In fact, I’m actually laughing. But this is hard sometimesâ€"very hard. I get the sense that I just need to learn to relax and let things beâ€"to give up. To really give up, from a space of true sincerity. What a relief it is.

Well, this turned around fast. I felt inspired to start using the violet flame 2x daily, and this seems to be working very well. How did I get so banged up? My intuition now is different than what I thought while I was in it.

I won’t get into it here, but I think it was a serious boundary issue, and I ended up tangled up with someone. I suspect that if I keep doing the clearing and get back on my feet with the grounding, my field will become increasingly edified and this boundary issueâ€"this habitual manner through which I mismanaged energyâ€"will slowly improve. This experience was useful for learning, but I feel myself already moving into lighter realities. It’s not a space that I’m eager to return to. I do not want to get that far out into the weeds again.

With the violet flame twice daily, plus those field-clearing affirmations from Yvette on k-teacher, I’d say I’ve had about 60% improvement in two days. Thank goodness.

Many variables to isolate here. I also seem to have developed new chemical and environmental sensitivities. I can no longer eat chocolate or drink coffee due to resulting sensory changes and bodily reaction which suggests intolerance or allergy. I think I've had a tendency to grossly underestimate the power of this spiritual process to being about physical changes in my body and metabolism. I've grown increasingly sensitive on all fronts--relational, spiritual, emotional, physical, and it kind of sneaked up on me.

 You are awesome.

  So cool how posting to tearoom gives insights even if teacher waits to respond? Sometimes the waiting is quite deliberate. People are more empowered if they can sort themselves out.  Bravo!

  There is a zen story.

  A seeker comes to the house of a Guru, and at the guru's feet a man is struggling screaming wrestling with something invisible. The seeker asks the Guru, why he does not help the man instead of watching him suffer? The Guru responds explaining that the man is fighting his own inner demons and if the guru bailed him out, he would never discover his own power, to conquer them himself.

  Guidance seemed to take a hike too eh?  Our first game: peek a boo. Mothers face appears, the child laughs. Her face is hidden, the child cries. We get older we realize Her face was always there, only hidden sometimes.  The long dark night. It is still there but clearing the power chakra is something you have to do on your own, to become genuinely empowered. Feels like you are alone, like the solid floor has dropped out from under you and you are lost.
   You are not lost, but following a path written in your genes, by Goddess.

  The power chakra and the third eye open together, the power chakra holds issues of control, free will and Divine will and it is also the dimensional level of the astral: the realm of dreams, ghosts, spirits and old gods. All the old deeply embedded control issues and the fear that drives them rises up, and the third eye gives you the senses to be aware. Fear of death, fear of insanity, experiencing spirits and beings. Some places call it the Zen Madness and the zen advice is, the demons lose all their power if you can laugh at them. You are not experiencing demons, yay, they do not exist anyway. The astral has a lot of "angels in demon suits" and its all about your choices, trusting to Goddess, to the power of Love, the power of gratitude, being offered opportunities to make those choices, clear that karma. Letting go of the illusion of control. Free will stripped to essentials: the choice to love or fear. Nothing to fight for, or about. Surrender.

  Above the gates of Hell is written "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Sage advice: hope turns inside out and shows its shadow side: fear of the future and a desire to control outcomes. Takes you out of the moment, there is only here and now.
  Fear and control. Both are illusion. Truth is in love, acceptance, surrender. Trust.

  Yes the power chakra is all about boundaries. Last of the duality chakras, counting up from the root. Where you can cast a circle or house spell to keep spirits out, (astral level magic) that is invisible to the physical level. The ego represents the illusion of separation, the shadow is what you think you are not. Ego resisting its own death and dissolution.  You are All that Is, including all those formidable Gods, they are your reflection.

  Next chakra up, realm of the heart, has the entire universe inside it. No separation. Grail quest. Shadow work: love and acceptance.

  I don't write much about it in FST because not everyone experiences it: most people do not, and cracking that door by accident is why I strongly recommend students avoid LSD or shrooms. Most of what is written about it is by people who did too many drugs and got stuck there for years, feeling insane.  Scaring people into having expectations that cause them to create that for themselves is not a win. I prepare people with the tools they need to make it through, if it does come up for them, while never suggesting that it might, and it usually doesn't.

  You are right, when it rises from kundalini,  it tends to be in those with something witchy in the genes.  If it is in you, FST is paced so it isn't triggered until about 2/3 of the way along so you have the tools to succeed in "Chapel Perilous." Grounding, surrender, trust in love, trust in Goddess, stay in the moment. For shamans it is much worse and sometimes lasts years because we have to learn about everybody's stuff not just our own, to be wiser healers.

  The way out, is through to the other side. Do not try to predict how you will be changed, such thoughts are born of fear. Whats on the other side is not comprehensible but wonderfully awesome... but don't focus on that or invest in the hope. Have to stay focused on the here and now. Goddess has it handled.

  Power chakra and stomach are connected eh? So sometimes it is affected, stress makes ulcers too.  Get some genuine manuka honey and take a half teaspoon before you go to sleep, and whenever your stomach is upset, preventative. Not surprising you have become sensitive to caffeine, adderall: stimulants make tension. Tension is fear.  Dairy is gently sedative: milk and cheese.

  A single shot of vodka is an effective muscle relaxant. The second shot makes you a bit giggly, the third shot it turns depressive so stop at two or less, and drink plenty of water and vitamin c for the detox. I like white cranberry juice and green apple vodka, watered down with lots of ice melting. Someone at a party once observed, my drink has the hangover cure built in. Yup. Alcohol in small amounts is not bad for you and vodka is very pure compared to wine or whiskey.
 
The digestive sensitivity, probably isn't permanent but be gentle with yourself and remember "this too, shall pass." It is just another kundalini phase and you are doing great!


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chapel_perilous
http://www.teemingbrain.com/2012/08/13/initiation-by-nightmare-cosmic-horror-and-chapel-perilous/
http://www.lisamharrison.com/pdf/Robert%20Anton%20Wilson%20-%20Cosmic%20Trigger.pdf

Mystress,

Thank you for the thorough and extraordinarily insightful response; it has proven very comforting and the links have been informative over the past few weeks. I’ve been much more centered over the past week or two, and guidance has returned. It seems to suggest tensions/fears in the body were a big part of the problem, along with over excitation of my nervous system from slipping into a bit of a "trying to have my cake and eat it too" sort of lifestyle. Overdoing it. I suppose this whole thing has created the imperative of surrender for someone prone to creative forms of resistance. I’ve been studying the pacing lesson a lot lately, and I think that this chaotic territory I ended up in was the result of jumping way ahead of myself in many ways. I blew myself open in ways that were on the very edge of my ability to integrate. The prescription now seems to be a sort of radical non-resistance.

Precipitating factor may have been my somewhat zealous use of psychedelics over the course of several months last year. I was never the type to take interest in such things, but they seemed to find me and they did prove beneficial for a while. Spiritual growth spurt. They always seemed like ego disintegrating medicines. The first trip was surrounded by so much synchronicity that it felt ordained, but then ego wanted more. More beautiful experiences. As it turned out, I was playing roulette in ways I did not understand. The final trip blew something open: five hours of hell, tormented by an abusive bearded-leprechaun-type entity and traversing realms resembling something like Tim Burton’s darkest imaginings. Determining whether this was an encounter with my own shadow or some archetypal representation of it seemed like a moot point.

It was after that experience that the panic attacks started, and the process evolved from there. It took me a while to realize I had blown something open; initially, I assumed that the phenomena would simply pass with time. While the phenomenology changed, the intensity did not. Interestingly, that was also when the digestive upsets began, corresponding with the power chakra. Every so often the experience takes on the nature of a confrontation with fear itself: the fear of losing control; losing myself; losing my mind, or my grip on reality. And I have all of these habits of reacting to the fear, thereby reinforcing it. The initial confrontation with fear was in that trip, and instead of choosing love I clenched up; now, it keeps coming up in pieces for me to make a different choice: to love or be terrified.  I don't think I realized just how challenging of an experience it was, and how much love, acceptance and patience would be needed for healing. Looking back, I'm amazed I got through it.

In all likelihood, I will never touch the stuff again. I tried getting into micro-dosing for a while because it seemed to lubricate my thinking and made me feel sharper and better with words for days afterward, but even that became too destabilizing. I guess it falls under the category of freewill-based magick. Kundalini is enough intensity.

Seeing with my third eye and smelling energies have proven to be a sharp upgrade to old abilities. For example, if I work with colors now I can smell their energies quite strongly. My aura has really been lighting up since I started the daily cleansing regimen. So. Much. Light. And big. The light floods my mind’s eye at night. Falling asleep the other night, it felt like a wiser part of me (Unconscious?) made some kind of “executive decision” and I felt a shaft of light open from my solar-plexus to my throat. The "executive decisions" have been happening for years, usually as I'm falling asleep, and I always enjoy them. The psychic upgrades are cool, but I definitely prefer looking at and feeling energy fields of white and violet light, rather than realms of dark imaginings and a corresponding cornucopia of diverse spirits. So many. By all means the astral feels nearly infinite in its own right, and roaming through it, confused, made me feel very small: Small, alone, and separated from Goddess.

Goddess threw me a bit of a line recently though, when a download-bubble of information went off in my head: “Can you tell me where Goddess is not?” Fitted to the contextâ€"the darkness and sense of lonely separation from that warm divinity I had grown accustomed to and taken for grantedâ€"it nearly brought me to tears. I laughed though, because if I point to anyone or anything: She is there. Always. Whatever my opinion or judgement is. I’ve spent several days in and out of states of nearly unbearable compassion, and this sense of bittersweet sadness in the face of the human condition and how poignantly beautiful it all is. One moment springs to mind where I was sitting in the car, looking at the golden sunlight filtering through the trees and feeling like I literally loved everyone, and that the depth of my heart knew no limits.

But even roaming in the chaos and confusion of Chapel Perilous, “Can you tell me where Goddess is not?” I just can’t do it. She’s everywhere. Every thought; everything. Even the confusion; the deities; the abusive leprechaun. It’s like, armed with that mantra, I just can’t be deceived by appearances anymore. Well, it seems natural to be deceived: but the choice is always there to see the divinity. I did a whole lotta surrendering earlier and feel really clear and tranquil right now. The "degrees of reality" thing is really cool, and how different things look depending on how much I'm carrying. That’s one big thing that comes to mind: letting go of trying to have a say in whoever is going to show up when I’ve surrendered everything.

Anyway, what a journey: Miraculous, good and utterly beautiful, just the way it is. I don’t think I’m done roaming through this territory yet, but I’m taking heart that there is Grace on the other side. Radical non-resistance: letting go of expectations and control.

It would appear I need to feed my power chakra more with gratitude. Makes perfect sense considering my lousy posture and poor self-confidence over the years. Unconscious has been sort of taking over the past few days, inspiring spontaneous energy work. She’s a much smarter energy worker than I ever was. I’m just going to keep documenting the process here when moved to because I find all of this so fascinating.

Had a dream a few night ago about Mystress giving me some kind of lesson about the chakras by a running river. I was telling her something about the empathy I was feeling under my ribs. I don't remember much more about it. I recently had the realization while driving that it was my fear of going insane that was driving me insane. Since letting that go I've felt a lot lighter in many ways. Recently I've been living alone for the first time in many years and one thing I immediately noticed was that I felt much better. It makes me suspect that a lot of the stuff I thought was karma was actually ambient empathy. I was living with my sister for the greater part of a year, and when things started picking up for me energetically it seemed to start driving her a bit crazy, too, pushing on issues and making her feel like "life was fucking with her" (rapid external manifestation of beliefs). If this is empathy, then it must have a relationship with how I manage my energies.

This much valued "alone time" has made me reflect on the empathic issue and contemplate how to best remedy it. It may be a bit selfish in some sense that I really prefer to keep to myself, be away from people and focus on my work. But if I do so for too long I tend to float away into abstraction. I think all of this, in some synchronistic way, points to the solar-plexus issue of boundaries and perhaps some unexamined, sub-liminal projections on my part. I need to develop ways of building the habit of internalizing energy. The affect of my energy on people around me has grown to almost video-game-like proportions, and the synchronicity and deja-vu stuff feels a lot like the Donnie Darko movie. All of this, coupled with the "fear of going crazy driving myself crazy" tells me that the only thing I need to "get a grip" on is my own energy, and directing it responsibly.

  Huh. Cool.

  I do not like to "out" people. I do not like to project stuff that I am uncertain of. Sometimes, need and imperative over rides my preferences. So awkward, sorry.

There is something I have been wondering about you, for a while.
Guess my wondering turned into a dreamwalk, the imperative got more urgent...?
The river is your central channel. I will tell a story about what *might* be going on near your power chakra. Why we maybe got together for some training about that.

"There is no such thing as a problem, without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts." - Richard Bach. Kinda sums up your dream. This was all a bit too freaky maybe, so you forgot it and only remember fear of crazy stopping you.

  There is a post I have been wanting to write, for quite some time, perhaps it will be of interest?

http://fire-serpent.com/tearoom/index.php/topic,1609.msg

Mystress,

Few things are awkward to me anymore. At this point, all I really care about is establishing balance and peace of mind. The vampire thing makes sense to the extent that the empathy I’ve dealt with for most of my life has felt “excessive” and even as a boy, I got extraordinarily overwhelmed being around people. The sense of dread in my solar-plexus has been there all my life, before I awakened as far as I can tell. I always thought it was just an anxiety disorder.

A few years ago I may have been like “a vampire, what?” But at this point, I just want to be whatever I was designed to be, serve however I’m supposed to serve, and find equanimity. Regardless, sorting out this solar plexus situation feels important, and perhaps there may be more to it in my case than I realized.

This makes a lot of sense; I just tried looking for the vortex and giving it permission to eat and got a nice warm glow and positive affirmation. If I'm understanding correctly, it seems to be a powerhouse karma eater? I'll keep exploring this and see what comes of it. I have a hunch that this will prove to be a big breakthrough in terms of the chronic empathic overwhelm.

    Excessive empathy from early childhood is the biggest clue for a psi vamp, along with the solar plexus pain.  The complaint that makes me look for a vortex in people.

  Powerhouse is an understatement!  The devour and transmute capacity of the vortexes is astonishing and unprecedented in my experience.

The more you give the vortex consent to eat (transmute) stuff the sooner the chronic empathic overwhelm ends. It is an instinctive hunger desire to take energy karma off people, that is in your DNA but not knowing how to digest/transmute  it.

  If you have more questions about your v self, can you post them to the other thread? I am not going to make a FST lesson about vampires, I have another website for that but would like to keep the info for students consolidated to that thread. TY!

 

Think I finally understand that dream. Especially the stream. Deep, deep clearing session. Strong demons, heavy weightâ€"pure fearâ€"sent upwards.

For the longest time I wondered why I felt like I was struggling so much with the content of this course. Deep down, I felt that there was more going on with me than I realized, or that there were other variables involved that were complicating things: but what? The karmic congestion had been going on for so long that I had become accustomed to it in many ways. I thought it was normal and that I simply couldn't deal with it. But the tendency to poke and prod others for an emotional response mystified me. Over the years it calcified into depression, but the numbness at least allowed me to operate in the world at say, 50% capacity, sleepwalking my way through life.

It’s always when I’m at my wits end that I finally sit down and truly turn within. I tuned into the portal in my solar-plexus: What do you really like to eat? The answer was unequivocal: Tragedy.
Why don’t you just start eating all of this shit? I’m fucking miserable. I've had enough and I can't go on living like this.
I didn’t think you loved me, it responded.
I do love you. So much.

All of these years absorbing human grief, misery and tragedy and not knowing what to do with it: It’s no wonder I was depressed, anxious and beginning to peer into the world of the psychotic. My memories of my greatest happiness were all from my childhood. My perceptual lens was clear; it felt like I “got it” so much more back then. Why had I grown so troubled over the years? When all the strange astral-type paranormal stuff started over the past year I was utterly terrified at the thought of being a shaman; but in my intuition, this did not feel like the case. Still, there was something about me that I was missing. What was it?

The vortex itself feels like an excitable puppyâ€"very, very childlike. I invited it to feast on all of the tragedy surrounding me at work. The empathy from working in a mental health agency was escalating my condition to new levels of “crazy,” and I knew the vortex was my only hope for relief. I notice with many of my schizophrenic clients that “crazy” has a vibe. I know it when I feel it because I’ve been there: Chaos. Not being able to make sense of anything. I notice my own thought-patterns starting to go “off the rails” and associations loosening after spending time counseling my schizophrenic clients: until I feed it all to the vortex. Briefly, it becomes this sort of bubbly, manic-type energy but I find myself left with increased silence: new levels of emptiness. It feels so good to laugh again, with greater depth than before.

When I pop my head out at new altitudes there is this underlying sense of “Woah, this is far out; I need to adjust to this.” It feels sort of like floating on a balloon with fresh helium; like there’s little if any narrative gravity tying me down. I’ll become flooded with memories of the person I wasâ€"whatever it wasâ€"feeling as though it was all just a strange dream that somebody else had. There are moments where none of it feels realâ€"the people that I love: my mother, my siblings. The young man that I wasâ€"he was never very happy, anyway. He never appreciated what he had. He rarely appreciated anything. Tragedy. Yummy.

Then I get these people that start spilling their stuff out to me in long-form monologues. Everyone I meet seems caught up in one thing or anotherâ€"some kind of story-line. I guess I do the same thing, oftentimes.

All of these different aspects of me have differing angles, but they all essentially say the same thing. I asked my heart voice this morning what to do about some persisting psychotic-type thinking that seems to be accompanied by a headache and neck tension.
First thing it says: You’re mine. Big surge of joy and love. Second thing it says: Love, let go. Surrender: Very simple and straight to the point. It still mystifies me why some stuff clears so much easier than other stuff, suffice it to say that I feel like I’m getting back on the right track, provided that I tune into my guidance and do the work on a daily basis.

With the vortex clearing the onslaught of karma and metabolizing it into joy, I feel like I’m getting into a better spot to resume progress with the course. This whole time I felt like whatever it was I was “dealing with” was an impediment: but I suppose it really was a blessing in disguise. Between the vortex guide and the heart voice, I think I'm in good hands now.

I'm happy for your new found success, Fifth. 

  Thank you, Sigmund.

Quote from: TheFifth on Jul 07, 2018, 02:51:01 PM
It’s always when I’m at my wits end that I finally sit down and truly turn within. I tuned into the portal in my solar-plexus: What do you really like to eat? The answer was unequivocal: Tragedy.
Why don’t you just start eating all of this shit? I’m fucking miserable. I've had enough and I can't go on living like this.
I didn’t think you loved me, it responded.
I do love you. So much.

 Eaters of grief. Original purpose.
Love for your new best friend for life, your perfect wingman. Mr Jones.

Quote from: TheFifth on Jul 07, 2018, 02:51:01 PM
The vortex itself feels like an excitable puppyâ€"very, very childlike.

 Shaman guides first preschool dream forms are some of the oldest cave paintings. Older than prehistory, older than the first soot smudges on a rock. Millennia of evolution, refinement. They have no emotions of their own, they only reflect the shaman. No desires, but are driven by imperatives like respect for free will.  (with some loopholes for random acts of kindness.) They are always the opposite gender of the body, because they are part of the unconscious mind, like the Divine Beloved. Where the DB is light, the shaman guide is more like if your invisible shadow self showed up and took form to reveal all that is in shadow. It is also connected to the veil between the conscious and unconscious mind, which is also the portal between life and death. The Death gate, shaman portal. Not a vortex shape, and parked just under the heart.

  Interesting isn't it, how placement affects purpose and design. The heart is the first of the non-dual chakras, and the shaman portal just below it, opens into death, shadow, hell, underworld... bardo stuff. The realm where duality is most sharply defined, where karma is revealed for release. Park rangers for hell, rescuing the lost hikers and leading them out.

  Vampire vortexes, for sang and psi, are at the power chakra and connect directly to non-duality. The power chakra is the last of the duality based chakras and it is all about free will and boundaries. It is almost like the destination of the portal is opposite to the chakra it is closest to.  Yet we are both, Goddess mercy on legs. (or wheels!) Agents of merciful evolution. The guides do most of the work, our job is to keep using our godlike power of free will to say YES to what Goddess wants. Only living human beings have that power.

 Vortexes, attained self awareness in the 50s. So young! They don't seem to care about names or gender or form but will adopt them if you prefer. They just don't see themselves as being something separate. They are part of the body and its instincts, evolved.
 They are young, but wise. They feel childlike because of their innocence, their joy and wonder at life, the freshness of their responses, the sound of the voice. Important to remember, they are not children. Their apparent emotional reactions are genuine because they cannot lie, but at the same time, calculated to get a specific response.

  (I sometimes wonder if, in some forgotten dreamwalk I designed the perfect friend/wingman/pet dragon that would be irresistible to vampires, just as I tracked down the vamp candy vibe.  Just as I modded my dakini to be enable her to relate to regular folks before I turned her loose in secondlife. They were all watching...  Fascinating for me to see where the template they took off me, and my dakini mods, appears in interactions. )

  I admire their incredible economy of words, the shaman guide is like that too. Few words but layers of meaning, once you learn to decode it.  Vampires tend to be quicker to learn the riddle language of ascension guides than shamans do, the vampire guide is not encumbered by an imperative to reflect back the karma of the person it is part of.  Their words always have layers of meaning though,  you learn to set aside face value to take a deeper look. The words and the deeper implications of the words.

 Like this little interchange, its words "I didn’t think you loved me" sounds like an insecure child, and it is a beautiful bonding moment with your guide.
Set that impression aside and zoom in on the next layer, see the awesome quantum being at work. Examine the words, the language and the hidden meaning, what is implied. The nature of the speaker, quantum.

A quantum being has a very different relationship with time but the words are specifically referencing the past, your past with it. It did not say "I do not think you love me", it used a past tense.  If that were a line plucked from a script for a romantic comedy, or a family drama, you would immediately know there is a back story behind it. Linked to it like train cars behind an engine. The backstory for this one, is your story.

  The inference,  is the obvious question WHY? Why did it feel unloved, in the past? That answer is the same as all the karma stuff you just asked it to take: the history of your troubled relationship with your vampire nature.

 Just as I learned to encode energy, shaktipat of information into words of FST lessons, it has encoded all the karma you asked it to take, into those few words. The evidence you did not love it, is the whole movie all of your life's difficulty with your nature and appetites.  It is taking the blame/responsibility for all the pain being a vampire has caused you, all your life. Every painful moment, every suicidal impulse, every rash hungry act that ended badly. In doing so, it takes ownership of that karma.

  The power was further enhanced by you making it a life and death issue, "I can't go on living like this." Survival level stuff invokes its protective imperatives, respect for free will gets more wiggle room, when it comes to saving your life.

 Karma, power and responsibility are intertwined, they follow each other. Blame is a karma transfer by projection. Accepting blame in order to take karma is a trick I know well. I recognise it, they learned it from me- the teacher template.  Never seen it executed so skillfully, a whole new level from my clumsy efforts.

  (that guy just stole all your shit!) Your meme lol.
It still needs your consent to transform it.

  Your consent: "I do love you. So much. "  Love is a quantum energy, it can easily be sent through time and space. You just applied contradiction to the whole package of the past history, agreeing that there was love where it seemed not to be, in the past. For a quantum being, eternity is here and now so the love of now is always. Your expressed love for it, is retroactive. You have always loved it, and that gives it wider consent to re-interpret the memories that held that past karma.

 Your request was a bit vague. It needed somewhat more precise consent. Between your request and its response, it traced all the sources of your pain: mostly related to all the bad experiences that came of not understanding your vampire self, collated them into a folder labeled "Reasons why you did not love me" and showed it to you, on an unconscious level: your unconscious mind understood the implications more clearly than I can express, and did not move you to express any resistance. When you responded to pour love all over it, it went all over the folder it was holding too... giving love to where you thought there was none. Giving it consent to fix all of it, to take all the old pain and put your love on it. Where did you think Goddess was not? Look back in memory, find the love was always there. It always has been. You never were alone.  

As you noticed before, memories of past events change when new insights are added. The actual memories of events may be the same but the meaning of them changes and that changes the whole experience, heals the scars, revises them as 'not traumatic.'

   Those memories will likely be transformed by a feeling that you were not alone, a feeling that some thing indefinable has got your back, a guardian angel on your shoulder. It always was true. It is true for everyone, Goddess is always there... but we the oddballs, have an extra presence that relates specifically to the genetic gift. Friend for life.
The feeling of being alone and helpless, is the biggest factor in whether a difficult event will become a trauma scar memory.

 Edit:  Am adding a bit of a left turn here, to illustrate that factor:
  For some years I was puzzled why some students told me they had felt the energy of my presence, long before they heard of me or knew my name. In one case, with an older student, I would have been three years old.

Then I factored in the time travel, diamond body effect. Quantum. The dates of their feeling my presence, I matched up with events they had previously told me about, as their most traumatic or harsh memories.  It is not unusual, when someone describes a memory, for me to be getting the movie too. From a place of selfless listening, getting the telepathy of the images in their mind seen through their eyes. 
  I realized what I was actually doing, was time and space travelling to be with them in that moment when the memories first formed. Physics, the observer changes what is observed. They were not alone, I was there with them and so the trauma of alone-ness did not happen. Instead, they remembered feeling my presence.
  I was a bit shocked, like what kind of brainwashing? Stealing their memories?? So I tried to give them back, reminding them of what they had told me. They remembered, when I told them, but without the traumatic associations, those details of the memory held no importance for them. The only notable thing about the event, was me being there. There was no evidence of harm, the memories of the actual events, were not taken only cleansed.  The recipients preferred the revised version, probably it could not have happened without their consent on some level. They were better off without the trauma. I accepted it as an unusually powerful PTSD treatment, and would love to include it in the Sock Puppets book but I think maybe only someone with quantum ability can do it.

  All the same bag, in the revised memories, you are not alone so the trauma imprint does not occur. 

  Sending love back through time to comfort their child self, is something anyone can do. Vortex is more laser at it because it is quantum time space traveller and not constrained by having a linear mind. Regular folks have a bigger tendency to get caught up in the trauma of the memories so there is a technique to send your higher self back in time to comfort the child you were.
  (I always thought my technique for re-parenting your inner child with your higher self, was part of FST, but reviewing the lessons, it is not there  and now I am wondering, where did I publish it?)

  It has been a part of you all your life.  When you were a child, it was mature and wise as it always has been. Just because the vortex guide was not allowed to reveal itself, does not mean it was unable to influence you. So long as it respected your free will, and its existence remained unconscious. It got you here, didn't it? To the only person in the world who could introduce you to what you have.
  I bet, at some point in your life, you wondered if there was anyone to guide you through the mess. Where did the thought to wonder, come from? Even if it was a prompting from the vortex, ego still got a vote about whether that was a cool idea or a bad one... that was consent.

 Remember when you were getting the movies, with all the new insights, you thought those thoughts were your own? You wondered why you did not see it before. Ego was incapable of seeing it, those thoughts came from the vortex filling you in. That is how it has communicated with you in the past, giving you ideas that you thought were your own... and they were, because the vortex is part of you... but it is an independent consciousness too, and wiser than ego could ever be.

Yeah, you could say the vortex totally played you, but it did not lie, your unconscious mind could read the fine print (and so could I, as soon as I looked for the back story) even if your conscious self is still learning to.  It did exactly what was in your highest good and necessary for it to accomplish what you had asked of it, and did it so seamlessly, perfectly...
 If you focus on its child like nature you will not see the hidden layers of its genius. Respect.

Trying to review your whole past history of thought to work out what thoughts actually were the vortex is crazy making and a waste of time. Let it go and trust you will be shown, in time, if it was important.

 The last 26+ paragraphs were incredibly difficult to write, took days, with me passing out about 6 times to get better clarity and select new words, returning to edit later. Trying to encode the nature, behavior and language of a quantum being, into my words... To summarize:
 - Not a child, just feels like one because of its joyous nature and its purity.
 - To really understand its layered language, you have to set aside its child like first impression, and examine its words and consider where they are coming from: an immensely intelligent quantum being whose mind is not linear like our consciousness.
 - Clear example of its tremendous ability to get consent for what it needs to take, to make you or someone else, more whole.  
 - Consent, can be retroactive. It is not too late, to have a happy childhood.

Quote from: TheFifth on Jul 07, 2018, 02:51:01 PM
I notice my own thought-patterns starting to go “off the rails” and associations loosening after spending time counseling my schizophrenic clients: until I feed it all to the vortex. Briefly, it becomes this sort of bubbly, manic-type energy but I find myself left with increased silence: new levels of emptiness. It feels so good to laugh again, with greater depth than before.

Shaman trick: The guide tells me, when I am crazy from empathy with crazy. Useful info! Can immediately take steps to get back into balance, and postpone making important decisions until after you are sane again. Prevents guru psychosis.
 There is benefit, to giving credit where it is due. The thoughts, awareness of being out of balance, did that come from you or from your vortex? Can ego know when it is insane?  Giving it love and gratitude, thanking it for all that it does, enhances your relationship with it. Be humble and honour its wisdom appearing in your mind.

Quote from: TheFifth on Jul 07, 2018, 02:51:01 PM
When I pop my head out at new altitudes there is this underlying sense of “Woah, this is far out; I need to adjust to this.” It feels sort of like floating on a balloon with fresh helium; like there’s little if any narrative gravity tying me down. I’ll become flooded with memories of the person I wasâ€"whatever it wasâ€"feeling as though it was all just a strange dream that somebody else had. There are moments where none of it feels realâ€"the people that I love: my mother, my siblings. The young man that I wasâ€"he was never very happy, anyway. He never appreciated what he had. He rarely appreciated anything. Tragedy. Yummy.

 The dreamlike feeling, and the remoteness of ego memories is normal for ascension, and for all kinds of memories whose karma, emotional content has been cleared. Ego lives in a world of illusions. Its got all its BS... "Basic stories" about who it thinks you are, how it thinks things are. Most of it, wrong because ego is made of fear and fear is illusion too.  

Quote from: TheFifth on Jul 07, 2018, 02:51:01 PM
Then I get these people that start spilling their stuff out to me in long-form monologues. Everyone I meet seems caught up in one thing or anotherâ€"some kind of story-line. I guess I do the same thing, oftentimes.

Meals on wheels eh? Vortex is bringing donors to you. On an unconscious or higher self level they cut a deal with your vortex, snacks for insights. Their conscious mind has no clue why they are moved to tell you all that, but its laying snacks at your feet. You just accept it, let the vortex do its thing while you listen for a few moments.

Don't be too surprised if they do not recall anything about the conversation, next time you meet. It was eaten and is gone from them, it only exists in your memory of them telling. Funny thing, only the time traveller, remembers how the past used to be different, and the info is completely useless because with the change, the remembered events never happened. 

Quote from: TheFifth on Jul 07, 2018, 02:51:01 PMsuffice it to say that I feel like I’m getting back on the right track, provided that I tune into my guidance and do the work on a daily basis.

Vamp symbol is the Egyptian ankh, the symbol of life. Get a very simple ring with an ankh on it and wear it to remind yourself many times a day, that you are vampire and to feed the vortex. Something comfortable and discreet like this one black-and-gold-ankh-ring/
or
sterling-silver-ankh-ring/

Do not get one like this: sterling-silver-egyptian-cross-ankh-ring because rings with bits that stick out, are always catching on things and you will get frustrated and stop wearing it.  

Quote from: TheFifth on Jul 07, 2018, 02:51:01 PMI think I'm in good hands now.

I think so too, you are doing great!

Wow, what timing. This was all just what I needed. So grateful to be here, for all of this. Thank you so much.

I’m getting the impression that a lot of the troubling stuff, the “weirdness” is basically a sign of my ego being taken apart, a process that seems like it’s been underway for a while now, only I didn’t really appreciate it because I was fixated on the fear. I mean, I came here looking for this, but when things really started moving it was certainly a reality-check.

There’s this gradual erosion of desire, roughly speaking, in terms of personal volition. For much of my life I wanted to be a writer in some capacity, but now words themselves feel so arbitrary. Words, words, words. Ideas often used to blossom in my mindâ€"truly interesting, almost genius-level ideasâ€"but it never really felt like it was me. The ideas possessed me, but at times of their own choosing. It’s funny because when it comes over me when writing for school it mindfucks my professors, then they try and marshal, or mold me into some ideal that they hold, only to realize that I’m quite ordinary compared to what they thought I was from my writing.

I guess that’s what I feel likeâ€"an ordinary person with extraordinary forces at work in my life. In hindsight I can see that it was always looking out for me. I always thought it was my higher self, or something of that nature. My ego has always been incredibly stupid in comparison; it always felt like my ego far transcended others in terms of stupidity. But there was something far wiser at work that suggested there was more going on than the dumb storyline the ego was caught up in: there was something else running parallel with the narrative on the surface.

Anyway, deeper into the unknown I go. De-construction. I’ve been becoming increasingly aware of some part of me operating on different levels, feeling like some mixture of daydream and Deja vu, but accompanied by tangible learning and insights. Falling asleep the other night, I had a vision of this beautiful, nearly transparent entity with several sets of eyes resembling something that the artist Alex Grey would paint. I can still feel its power and peaceful presence thinking about it, felt a lot like earth-crystal energy. I know that getting hung up on such events is likely superfluous fixation in the greater scheme of things, but I suppose I’ve always been a wide-eyed mystic-type.

 You are being deconstructed, but what is being taken apart is a false self. Egos, fears, desires, all baggage too heavy to bring with you to ascension. The old book says, God set an angel with a fiery sword to guard the gates of Eden, that only those who are without fear may pass. Ego is made of fears.

Best not to try to guess or project forward, who you will be on the other side. Putting shackles on your future self. You are in a process of becoming, ever more fully, your true and unique self. You have to let go of everything you think you know. You can only hold to a few, cosmic laws like Goddess is All and the power of love, surrender, grounding, acceptance. Flowing. The riddles of non-duality: in becoming nothing, you become All that Is.

  Ego, had a purpose, starting with toilet training and all through the stages of socialization and civilization. Many indigenous cultures have coming of age rituals that kill off the child ego at puberty. In the realm of spirit, age 13 is adult. For most North American ones, the kids stuff was all burned they are told their child self is dead and gone, and they were sent off into the woods alone and nameless nothing, until they got a vision of their new name. You can imagine, under such circumstances their unconscious mind gives them what they need, to save their life! So they can go home. Their new sense of self, comes from within them, not from any external influence telling them who to be. The difference with ascension is, we remain nothing, to become whatever Goddess needs us to be, in the moment.

  Inspirations... I doubt I could tell you, what parts of FST were channeled from Goddess and what came from my Shaman guide. I just take dictation, feel for the resonance. The heart speaks too.
   If I analyzed it all very carefully, maybe I could track some of what came of the specialization of the guides.
   The heart cannot condemn nor criticize. You might be about to jump off a cliff in bedsheet wings and the harshest warning you might get is a calm little voice asking if you are sure you want to do that? That is why the heart voice cannot be the ascension guide, cannot call us on our BS, only be silent and acknowledge truths. The heart, the inner guru can help become self realized but not ascended. The shaman guide can mock me mercilessly if I were to consider doing something very stupid. Being able to show you where your ego got it wrong is the essential quality required of an ascension guide... and most types of guides cant do it. The Divine Beloved can, if surrender is deep enough that it has consent to contradict.
   Mostly, discernment through the power chakra, the belly brain guides. Vortex started giving you the movies as soon as it had consent, even if you consented in a dream. You were receptive.

   The old Gods cant do it either, Hecate and Lilith and Sekhmet and the others the vampires choose. They have to reflect your beliefs about them, be respectful of whatever BS your ego wants to believe, although supporting it can be optional, they wont bend too far from their archetype. Wiccans don't ascend. No free will based paths do, they do not even mention it. Only a path of deep surrender, and then we are carried the last bit.

   Free Will is Goddess law, that is why we have to use our free will to surrender our free will, to progress on the path of Divine Will. Goddess is the Muse, the source of all creativity. Personal volition? Don't need it, Goddess inspiration keeps me busy enough, with cooler stuff than my monkey brain could come up with. A good artist is slave to the Muse. Right now, you are in the process of letting all go to become that blank slate.

  Shaman guide, DB, Vortex, Heart voice, they all work in alignment with Goddess will for you. She is always primary, but in the guides She has extra voices, specialists for those dimensions. 

Falling asleep the other night, I had a vision of this beautiful, nearly transparent entity with several sets of eyes resembling something that the artist Alex Grey would paint. I can still feel its power and peaceful presence thinking about it, felt a lot like earth-crystal energy. I know that getting hung up on such events is likely superfluous fixation in the greater scheme of things, but I suppose I’ve always been a wide-eyed mystic-type.

  Yeah, for most of awakening, that sort of weirdness is just outgoing karma noise, phenomena best surrendered.

  but, here? At the rocketship pace you are on, Goddess and guide are just not going to waste your time introducing you to someone who does not matter, especially if they smell like earth heart energy. It is by the will of the planetary consciousness that I am doing the v work.

  Remember, you have a team. Ask your DB about it, ask your heart, your vortex.

  Curious, guest teachers and helpful VIP visitors are normal for shamans but not at all typical for vampires. Could be a kundalini thing too. I had wondered if my dakini might visit you but I have not known her to take that form. Speculating... look inward and you will know.

Interestingâ€"right before I even opened this page I was already pondering some of the stuff you discussed here. Namely, I was wondering about the relationship between the divine beloved and the vortex. From the lessons, I came to understand the ascension process as one of dissolving into the divine beloved through deep surrender, roughly speaking. Last night, talking to the vortex, I had this sense on some level that it’s the vortex I’m dissolving into; then again, this may just be a semantic issue that won’t matter later on. I do get the sense that there are certain core “monkey wrenches” blocking my digestion, and I feel compelled to unearth and surrender these things.

The erosion of volition is actually kind of nice. I wanted for so long to be of service to the world in some way and to live a creative life; I had a laundry-list of things I wanted to accomplish. The other day I got the overwhelming impression that I can be of better service by becoming transparent and acting as a sort of “instrument” of the divine, transcending the game of “service” completely. I suppose there have been “level-specific” truths through this process and through all the terrain I’ve moved through: truths pertinent to wherever I am at the time, but which eventually reveal their limitation. All that stuff I wanted to accomplish no longer feels relevant. My brain itself feels like it’s going into a much more intuitive mode in the sense that my already weak “left brain” is going through periods of temporary disability. The thing is, I just don’t find myself concerned about it. All that stuff seemed so important at the time. 

Waves of childhood and adolescent memories continueâ€"stuff on its way out? I’ve been flooded with old issues I thought I buried in adolescence; in fact, I feel like I’m recapitulating the chaos of my adolescence in some ways. Strangely enough, my libido has ramped up remarkably (it was absent for the past decade or soâ€"depression?); but this increase feels more k-related in the sense that I’ve also become overrun with psychodynamic energies and material surrounding, again, the events of childhood and adolescence. The benefit now, of course, is that I’m stronger, wiser, and have the ability to kick into observer-mode if the need arises. I ask the vortex why it doesn’t just take it all, but I get the impression that it’s moving at a rate I can handle, and that it can’t quite take it all yet because it would be a shock, lol. When the vortex takes something, it takes a *large* chunk. My approach has been to surrender stuff to the vortex using the same technique laid out in the course: I just offer it as a snack.

I just don’t find myself too concerned anymore about whatever will be on the other side of this. The rate-of-progress really is remarkable. It’s funny because for the longest time, I thought my grounding and surrendering wasn’t working. I’d surrender a huge chunkâ€"whether through burning, violet flame or whateverâ€"and within a few days I’d be right back to where I was. The realization that I was accumulating karma from everywhere around me makes so much sense. I just want to get to the point where the vortex handles it on autopilot: Big improvements so far, but not quite there yet.

Whatever the being was, it was female with definite earth-heart energy and peace radiating from it. My description of it is anything but vivid because the memory is starting to fade. When I ask about it all I get back silence and earth-heart energy.

Interestingâ€"I feel better when I let the vortex snack on others karma than when I try and get it to work on me. Imperative to feed? There’s certainly no shortage of bitterness, resentment, fear and what have you around me for it to feed on, lol. For some reason these things make me laugh now, seem less heavy than they were before.

Last night, talking to the vortex, I had this sense on some level that it’s the vortex I’m dissolving into; then again, this may just be a semantic issue that won’t matter later on.

  Yeah its accurate. The vortex is eating your ego, that is your sense of you. The usual kundalini thing would be to give it all to Goddess, but it is Her agent. Specialist. The vortexes know all about Goddess will for them, and you. It knows why it got an upgrade from blind instinct to quantum self aware guide. Vortex wormhole leads to non duality, Goddess is in non duality, so its an "all roads lead to Rome" sort of thing.

I ask the vortex why it doesn’t just take it all, but I get the impression that it’s moving at a rate I can handle, and that it can’t quite take it all yet because it would be a shock, lol.

  Yeah that's really true. The speed of processing for ascension via the vortex is like nothing I have seen before. It makes Shamans hell road look like a slow boat to china. You can trust stuff is moving at a pace you can handle, maxed. There is no benefit in pushing harder, getting overloaded by more than you can process. It is quantum but we still have a linear mind, we can only focus on one memory at a time, plus free will. So it has to run the memory movies, get your consent for all the bits, and it takes time.

I’d surrender a huge chunkâ€"whether through burning, violet flame or whateverâ€"and within a few days I’d be right back to where I was. The realization that I was accumulating karma from everywhere around me makes so much sense.

Surrender works, but stuff often has layers. If you look more closely at the stuff that comes up on repeat, you will notice its not exactly the same, it is another layer. Even what was other people's stuff, would not stick the same unless it was getting caught on resonant stuff in you. You are not wrong, but it is healthier to take ownership of it all. Cannot surrender what you do not own. 

Yeah I’ve been getting the sense that I’m in this position where I have this vortex that draws karma consentually released from others in my vicinity, which then kind of builds up behind my own blockages like a dam. Hence, I think it may actually prove useful in the sense that it highlights my own issues. Interestingly, I think the way I’ve been trying to get the vortex to take everything has in itself been a sneaky sort of resistanceâ€"lack of trust, faith. Just need to trust the process and where I am.

Wow you weren't kidding about the vortex being sentient and quantum. In many ways, it feels like all circumstances are putting me in a position where I have no choice but to "cry uncle" and give up the fight, let go of all this stuff. Emotional pain and borderline insanity are powerful motivators. Had another chat with it last night, trying to figure out where I'm still in resistance, what prior decisions are still in effect, limiting its ability to eat freely. There seems to be few substitutes for the sincerity which comes from that place of crucifixion, as I've come to call it.
"Crucifixion is yummy," it said.
When I went on complaining about the chronic exhaustion being a karmic shit eater with a digestive problem causes me it said, "exhaustion is edible," with a somewhat humorous undertone.

I honestly don't think I ever would have been able to live a normal life, even if I had wanted to. It just wasn't in the cards for me. I feel like I'm being funneled in a direction and I can either move along joyously or resist in ways I can't even immediately identify, and suffer incredibly. I wish it was as simple as just saying, "I rescind it all right now" and have the vortex sort it all out. Again, that "I-really-mean-it" sincerity of making it a life or death issue seems to be the most powerful way of bringing this change about.

Some of the stuff it tells me is reality-bending beyond words (or would be highly challenging to convey in words). The time-hopping or whatever it does is out of this world. I honestly don't know what is going to be left of me on the other side of this; this whole career track that I'm on, all of this stuff--I just don't know if the new guy is going to care for any of it. Then I think, who will take care of me, watch out for me? I feel like everything is coming to a head, that my attempts at "holding everything together" have been noble and admirable but no longer applicable. If I was losing my mind I think it would have happened by now--it's been threatening to occur for almost a year now. It's just that it feels like reality itself is going to swallow me up; or, in fact, is swallowing me up.

Anyway, don't know where I'm going with this, or with anything, really. I suppose all I can do is surrender it all. 

Hmm, another breakthrough here. During the work week, considering the environment that I'm in, the karma magnetism leaves me obliterated by Thursday. I'm very fortunate to have a three day weekend for re-balancing. Cool, balanced state now; but in the past there has always been a point in the week where the balance shifts and I slip into resistance. I'm going to try working on my mindfulness muscles this week and see if I can maintain grounding, clarity and equanimity.

I don't know how the vampire thing fits into this anymore, other than the karma magnetism: this feels more like general energy hygiene. Feel like I'm walking a much narrower thread now. Energies/vibration is higher than I think I realized. Great care required.