Holding on to some tension in my stomach at the moment. This always seems to happen after something 'shocking happens', it doesn't discharge right away and it is slow to process. It takes days, sometimes more. On Saturday, I was driving with my sister to a large shopping centre (mall) for groceries and to have coffee (decaf) at a cafe. I was in the middle of three lanes when someone on my right hit me on the driver's side. They didn't check their blind spot. No point in going into detail, but essentially had to chase the car. The at-fault driver stepped out of their car in a towel and tried to shift the blame onto me. Quite verbally aggressive. They got back into their car and drove off. I drove to the police station because here in Australia you're legally obliged to provide your license details. The police driver looked at me strangely and asked odd questions. I think it's because I show no outwards expressions of being in a heightened state sometimes. I digress, I got the details and sorted stuff out with my insurer.  However, since then I have been in a heightened state of arousal e.g. agitation, unease in gut and other such things. I have tried to surrender it, but it's not going completely. So, I suppose there is more to unpack.

I feel like I stuff all the shock into my gut where it gets stuck. Not great.

At work, I am slowly moving into an NDIS coordinator position. Something I mentioned previously. I get to hit the ground running and am picking up a couple of clients. Lots of managers have been quitting during the changeover to NDIS. The regional manager quit two weeks ago. My manager just resigned today, however, she was increasingly calling in sick the last few months.

I've just been observing a pattern of behaviour that I've had since childhood in reflection. It bleeds into all aspects of my life. The easiest way for me to describe it is that it is something that stems from impatience. For example, I remember that in Art class I would become frustrated when my skill-set didn't match up with what I was envisioning in my mind. This perfectionism led to anxiety and dejection. And it also inhibited the process of me developing my skills, so that I could attain mastery. It takes years and lots of practice to hone skills. However, I did not seem to be able to reconcile my lack of capacities and remained stuck in future-focused thinking (i.e. I should have the capacity and experience to do this now). I don't seem to have the patience to establish sturdy foundations, and be happy with the slow and steady progress. There is an underlying sense of panic.

This deep-rooted anxiety still emerges when I study and can lead to procrastination. It also arises within my job, as I have the expectation that I should be at a higher level although I haven't done the time or developed the necessary skills. It is also why I have avoided drawing and other artistic pursuits, since my early 20s.

I do wonder what this is about and why I hold on to this pattern of behaviour. This fear. In what way does it serve me (good or bad)? It is quite debilitating. Goddess, these expectations that I continue to hold onto are all your fault.

I am finding that the supplements (+ removal of caffeine and sugars) that I have been taking have been beneficial, and my body is starting to slowly calm down and replenish.

I am attempting to better understand the resistance I go through when I encounter something that causes me distress i.e. it sets off my stress response. In the past, if something triggered me I would often go into attack (defence) mode as that was my default response. I would automatically defend my ego-boundaries. These days if something triggers me I do my best to give the situation time, and allow for things to de-escalate so that I can (hopefully) open my mind a bit (shift attitudes/perspectives). If my mind doesn't like the sound of something it is easy to close-off, so I do wish to break this cycle. Anger is a common reaction. Anger getting stuck in my body is also another common reaction. I am stuck in the polarisation that the world is a dangerous place (shattered world-view) and this is one of the causes of my issues with anxiety. Every time I get triggered it hits me in the gut.

Something I was learning in somatic trauma training (and understanding anger) is that when healthy aggression is thwarted, then we have anger. When anger is thwarted â€" not permitted â€" then we get hostility. The function of anger is to get you to engage in behaviours that keep you from being attacked or harmed by other people. Anger can also be addictive because anger-based patterns of brain activation can look very similar to joy. They share the same neural building blocks with pleasure and arousal. This helps explain why anger can be so rewarding.

They also go on to say that sometimes people are angry because they have been injured in a traumatic way and they’re terrified of the images, the thoughts, the memories, and the emotions connected with the trauma.
Whatever comes up that is related to their trauma, their anger comes up really loud and clear as a kind of shield â€" a way to not feel those other emotions. The anger becomes a vigilant protector, defending against any threat of retraumatisation. Traumatised patients keep repeating the actions that began when the trauma
happened, but it never resolves, because they repeat it in a dysregulated fashion. The way out of it is to integrate it (or allow yourself to move through the completion cycle).

I am not quite able to do this at this point, as I am afraid of anger/rage. Others people's anger/rage caused a lot of terror in me in the past. I allowed my nervous system to be hijacked by their responses, as I lacked the skill to remain grounded within myself.  And I guess this also links into the anxiety I feel about mistakes or making a mistake i.e. there will be dire consequences.

Not sure what to do regarding lessons. I've made my way through them all (It was this time last year is when I started to work through them from the beginning again). I am a bit reticent to do an essay. I think I might sit with things for a bit and see what lessons I need to revisit.

Mystress has popped into my dreams a few times the last few weeks, although the content of the dreams is quickly forgotten after waking. I remember bits and pieces e.g. being in a group setting (similar to the temple hang out on SL).

My nervous system is settling down after my dietary adjustments and supplementation. I've had a glob arise in my stomach (under diaphragm) which indicates something is close to releasing but not quite, as it submerges.

I have an aversion for risk-taking. It causes anxiety to surface.

I've been receiving neurofeedback. I'll be going for the fourth session on Friday.  I am quite tired afterwards and the next day. Lead clinician gave me some more information about my initial EEG. My hypervigiliance doesn't turn off when my eyes close and my brain puts me to sleep during activities that require intense focus.

I attended Beginner II/III of Peter Levine's Somatic Trauma experiencing, as part of that course you're required to have personal sessions and consults. I chose to go with body workers this time around. Again, my body doesn't seem to want to fully relax and will jolt if on the verge of relaxation. I remember one worker speaking of the window of tolerance. I also remember my body doing the jolt movements when I tried the sensory deprivation tank two-to-three months back. So, I take that to mean 'it's not safe to relax'.

As I was learning about dysregulation, I found out (through watching sessions and discussions) that other people share this weird thing with the solar plexus. The weird thing is that it is a container for emotional stuff and is what the body does when it doesn't know how to respond in the preverbal stages. This one lady, although her experiences sound a lot more severe than my own (repeated sexual abuse, miscarriages and loss of sight), even had the breathing issue I have. Although I didn't know it was an issue until I paid attention to my breathing. On my inhalation my diaphragm contracts instead of expands (like most other people).  The bodyworker who told me about the window of tolerance said that I don't allow my whole body to assist with dealing with emotional blows. So, part of her work was to get things moving in my joints.

I also noticed that I am quite resistant to allowing my system/body to do as it needs. To complete the dysregulation cycles. Simply for the reason that the wild movements are kinda scary. I have a lack of trust that DB will keep me safe.  So, in one session my body was going through the motions it does when I meditate. And when I allowed my body to do as it needs it went through the same motions. So, what happens is this... my head turns to look over my left shoulder. It stays there for a few moments. It then moves back to normal position and proceeds to do neck adjustments, sometimes they are quite quick and energetic. Then my body collapses and curls over. One time it moved into child's position (yoga pose). Another time it moved me into a deep backbend  (also disconcerting although I went with it). It moved me through a few hip opening yoga poses and then into a sun salutation, ending in a mudra (hand in prayer position). Lots of buzzing, heat and coolness throughout this process. Also a bit of jaw tightness and discomfort in my crown (near fontanelle) and on side of skull.

Another thing I noticed at the training is that I am very uncomfortable in crowds and social gatherings.  I also can't stand exercises that require touch in public spaces. My body won't relax.

I'm still pursuing neurofeedback treatment, to help create new pathways in my brain to improve functioning. I notice my irritability has gone down and attention has improved.

I'm feeling somewhat challenged at work, due to working with several people with personality disorders. It makes me wonder again if I have features of PD due to having emotional sensitivity and dysregulation issues. I have seen other people with Autism with similar features. You can have both Autism and PD. Maybe it's just down to nervous system dysregulation. Goddess, it's all your fault I am so emotionally sensitive and sensitive in general.

Something that has come up in work with clients is "the nobody cares" tirade that goes along with you not responding to emails, texts, and phone messages right away. I have other people to see and things to do, so I can't be at the beck and call of people. When you start to lay boundaries with these people they can have adverse reactions to it, as they need to maintain a sense of 'control'. Rejection/abandonment fears come up a lot. Another thing is, people looking for external sources of support to get them out of heightened states. I have learned not to respond to people right away, and will redirect them later to look toward internal sources of support or crisis supports. In saying this, I understand these various fears, as I have had this flare up at different points in life i.e. the need for someone to 'save me' or give me answers. Or the compulsion to tell (or pick apart) my story to make sense of it, however, it never leading to resolution.  I guess something for me to watch is the flares of irritation and anger that come up when there has been a communication breakdown or people are being too 'needy'.

Hmmm.

While cooking, I had the spontaneous (heart voice) inner dialogue telling me to spend some time clearing my energy (other peoples stuff) and to re-read SP lesson. And to ground and pull energies back.

Also, reconsidering an earlier point of  Mystress: why am I in this job. Risk-taking scares me, a lot. The thought of doing something unpredictable fills me with horror. I freeze. This job is "safe"/ familiar". It sucks that I am not ready/able to move beyond this at this moment. I wonder what it would feel like if I touched the outer edges of this fear, can I sit with that?

I had an interesting time this afternoon at work. I had the 'I am going to get in trouble' fear triggered, due to a confrontation with a client I recently started working with. I've seen her 3-4 times now and spent that time observing her. Really observing her behaviours and response to the world. So, I was anticipating that I would get to a point where I would say something and she'd go off like a firecracker. That happened to be today. It was in me setting a boundary: "Okay! I can do this for you this time..."... which led to an explosive reaction in the other person. She became quite verbally abusive. My role is to build capacity and not be a 'carer' (i.e build dependency). This person, I have learned through conversation, wants a personal servant.  And that's not in my job description (or what I am paid to do).

So, you can make allowances to be nice but there is a fine line to tread before you fall into a place where it doesn't sit right in your gut.

I think my response was reasonably good as I felt quite calm in spite of that fear that came up and I fell back on skills used in DBT in relation to communicating with complex individuals. In the past, this sort of confrontation would cause me to freeze or feel terrified (like my head was going to be chopped off). I aim to continue to react in more constructive ways that enable me to stay in my power and not get sucked into power games.

I did feel a bit tired afterwards and I do wonder if that is 'normal'.

Hey, Blossom.  My first reaction is that feeling tired is a mix of  gas and brakes at the same time, i.e., reacting to the situation professionally and resistance to what you might want to say or do. 

When I've been in situations like this with difficult and manipulative clients, the first thing I would do is to reflect back to them what they're doing and what they want, to let them know that I hear them.   Then, I'd remind them without apology of the parameters of my role with them. 

I  would also tell them that I'm not available for abuse.  They could either choose to have me work with them or they could choose to have me leave the situation if they wanted to continue being abusive, with the understanding that when they were willing to talk to me as one adult to another, I'd be willing to resume contact with them.

This worked for me.

Hi Sigmund, that makes a lot of sense. I did put the brakes on with regard to what I wanted to say or do (as I was trying to process how to best handle the situation). I think I sometimes preemptively assume the person will not comprehend anything in that heightened state, so I don't continue having the 'argument'. I think I need more practice with reflecting back to them what they're doing and what they want (addressing the feelings/emotions).

I gave her the option of 'Would you like me to go?'. And her response was the accusatory 'You would do this to someone and would leave someone in this state? ra ra ra ra'  To which I responded.. "I said would you like me to go, not, I am going. I gave you an option".

I also went into the parameters of my role and how it seems like she is needing a higher level of care. I asked her what she did when other people weren't around. She went into her whole story about physical disability and sometimes not eating until 3pm. I am not sure how exhausted she is and how much she plays on her 'illness' i.e. put on a show. The other week she had no problem walking quickly into the bathroom when her emotions got the better of her. So, I reiterated that we could advocate that she get a higher level of care when she gets her disability package.

After some more talk, I asked again: Would you like me to leave?  And at that point, she had settled a little bit and said yes.

I spoke with another worker she works with (for two years now), who does more support coordination work. She communicated that this lady is quite love/hate. And that she has been quite verbally abusive at times but eventually comes back around regarding supports. Her thoughts were that this lady is testing out 'who is safe'. And you're right, I don't need to put up with abuse. This worker said this lady's homecare workers (cleaners and carers) are quite intimidated by her. To the point that this worker saw the other workers shaking like a leaf.


So, I think I will get there in time. I just need to keep taking the next step in the process and get comfortable with that.

Thanks again for your input/thoughts Sigmund.

Yesterday, I was reminded of my paradoxical breathing when I was getting neurofeedback. I am starting to notice changes in my behaviour, overall. My brain fog has lifted. I am trying to be mindful of my anxiety issues e.g. stress response being triggered by loud noises. Anyway, back to paradoxical breathing. I am starting a newly introduced treatment at the clinic called HeartMath. Essentially, as with neurotherapy, you're hooked up to a machine which then assists you to find coherence regarding connectivity to heart. Umm, it slowly retrains your physiological behaviours into something a bit more optimal. So, while doing the breathing exercise I noticed that I was breathing opposite to the instructions, but my coherence scores were high. I challenged myself to breathe the opposite way and caused myself to become incoherent and dizzy.

I am not sure if simply clearing Karma will get my diaphragm to function properly given that my biological rhythm is out of whack. I might need to go through the process of retraining myself to breathe normally...

Here is a bit of what I learned about paradoxical breathing:
The trigger for paradoxical breathing is a shock situation. During inhalation, the abdominal wall moves inward. The intercostal muscles raise the rib cage and pull up the relaxed diaphragm and the abdominal organs. During exhalation, the belly arches outward because the rib cage relaxes. Paradoxical breathing prepares us for a flight or fight reaction and causes an immediate adrenaline rush. Many people breathe like this for their entire lifetime, which keeps their sympathetic nervous system in a state of constant arousal. The breathing pattern -which stimulates the sympathetic nervous system even more intensely than chest breathing - can be observed in many trauma clients.

I wonder what impact this has on other parts of the body. I do have a lot of stuff in my gut 

I am starting a new job on October 30th (I found out at the end of last week and I resigned from my current job yesterday). It is going to be less social.

I have noticed that I have had some 'saboteur' fears crop up this last week and that's okay. 

I have been finding it challenging to say that I am leaving my job to one client. Today I was fretting that I was going to be the straw that broke the camels back if I said I was leaving. The person was very emotionally volatile and doesn't do well with change. I am going to have to bite the bullet and say Bye! on Tuesday.

I was doing some reading on autism and polyvagal theory. Porges talks about the flight, fight and immobilisation/freeze system, which is an important part of our safety and security. He talks about the vagus nerve. Porges believes that in autists this system turns itself on all the time without there being much to worry about. It is twitchy or haywire. Porges hypothesises that people with autism have a compromised social engagement system. It has not had the chance to develop due to early activation of FFI/F. The social engagement system provides humans with the opportunity to use social behaviour to co-regulate physiological state and to symbiotically experience a biobehavioural state of safety.  You don't need the social engagement system when you are fighting for your life e.g. fight/flight/freeze.

And that kinda really does make sense, I do perceive people as threats and there is high anxiety i.e. not feeling safe in the world. It also explains why my constant complaint and focus has been about my gut.

I have had 5 days worth of training for my new job. I'll start at the office tomorrow. One positive thing about this government job is that you can have an OT assessment, to make your workspace ergonomic. I am looking forward to less social chit-chat at work! I am looking forward to more routine.

The other week I had another ASD assessment with a clinical psychologist. This assessment was probably the most comprehensive ASD assessment I've had to date. I found out that I am terrible at differentiating subtler emotions in non-autistic people, who knew! And I don't have a personality disorder.

I am moved to meditate this evening. I haven't done this in awhile.

All the best to you, Blossom, today and in all the days and nights to come.  In manageable ways, of course. 

Thanks Sigmund


I recently attended intermediate level 1 for SE. The focus was on global activation, birth trauma, and high impact trauma. I kept getting activated in group environments. What also activated was the belief `you`re not welcome here`, which coincidently was spoken about in terms of birth processes and family karma. When the parent feels strongly about not wanting the child. I don`t think I had that with my mother or father, but I do get it with regard to people in general. It seems to be a common theme for people who feel out of place in this world. I also had the `not welcome here` thing activate today.

In the context of babies, the baby may not tether fully into their body because of the atmosphere of the home environment. It`s not safe enough. I am reminded of grounding practices and the need to fully get in your body. I guess it`s a process if you`re not fully safe in the body. And that`s where you get people who are half in this world and half out of it.

I`ve booked myself in to get a remedial massage tomorrow. I seem to clench my jaw a lot and it is causing tightness in my upper shoulders, neck, and head.

After getting remedial massage it has loosened some of my lower back muscles, so my lower back has been cracking a bit.  I have changed my pillow, so hopefully, that helps with neck and head strain.

The city is very noisy and busy, and people wear smelly perfumes. And so I get a little bit cranky (intensity a 5 or 6 out of 10). Still enjoying my work, although it has been a bit tiring to learn a lot of new content.

Entitlement has come up through reading peoples plans. The expectation that everything has to bend for you. I have been sitting within it.

Working where I am at the moment has been interesting. My last two reviews have said that my work quality is at an excellent standard and my reports were gushing with praise. This level of praise makes me feel very uncomfortable, so I have been attempting to have gratitude for it instead of cringing.

Having the power to decide what funding people get for their disability has also been interesting. Well, not entirely my power, because the system does have certain parameters and there are guidelines. I guess the more accurate thing is that I work with the wiggle-room. There is this whole notion around reasonable and necessary when making a decision to allocate funding. Entitlement comes up a lot in this work. People get angry when they don't get funding for certain things and threaten action. The grassroots page is full of that talk e.g. if you don't get funding for a talking microwave you should immediately take the issue to your local MP, the locals news, somebody. I've had a few mothers with kids with a more milder form of autism get annoyed when you don't fund a support worker to teach their child how to cook, catch the bus and other such stuff. I thought this sort of crap was the responsibility of the parent and not the government (or more specifically the tax-payer).

I do have the projection that these people should be happy that they get something because there are other people in other parts of the world that get nothing. It's not a big deal if you don't receive funding to buy an Ipad. Everyone else who has wanted an Ipad has either bought it themselves or stolen it (if they've had the opportunity). Just because you have a 'disability' doesn't mean you're entitled to a free one.

I guess the point here is that this energy is interesting. I think I am having a bit of resistance to it as I am scoffing at these people.  It activates the "fight" energy in me

 I am glad you seem to be in a much better place with this job... and as for the scoffing, I am kinda with you, there. Entitlement is rampant and I think you need to keep some of that, to keep doing the job well. What do you do with people whose greed is bigger than their common sense? Deprive those with greater need and more sensible use,  to indulge their absurd fantasies?

Vancouver has become an extremely expensive place to live, largely because of off shore investors, mostly Chinese, who drive up the real estate prices then leave the homes unoccupied. It was voted the most beautiful city in the world and one of the top 10 places to live, over and over by international magazines. Gentrification happens.

   I would love to live there again,  but our home in the 'burbs is actually affoardable.  Its gone up too, we paid 240k and the last assessment 12 years later is 750k, and probably higher next year as the road was redone last summer and now we have sidewalks.  Actually, the other side of the street has sidewalks which is great because we don't have to shovel them.

  There is a ton of news about people complaining they cannot affoard to live in Vancouver, and expecting the government to provide housing. To me, that would be like expecting low income housing in Beverly Hills. Huge entitlement, there are other places in Canada where you can buy a house for 50k.  So now Vancouver is having trouble finding workers for entry level jobs like Starbucks... but Canadians don't want those jobs anyway and for many years they are mostly filled by Indians on temp work visas, who are willing to make the commute from the burbs on transit to earn more money than they ever could at home, for the same job.  We admire their work ethic.

  On a spiritual level, energy is infinite, and as the seeker learns to go with the flow, it becomes apparent that Goddess provides, but on the level of duality, there is no free lunch. Resources are limited and good judgement is invaluable. I think, scoffing at people who expect a free lunch is just part of the job and not something needing to be fixed, because they do get aggressive in their entitlement and sometimes a laugh at them is a needed whack with the clue stick and deflects the pressure. 

  I have had people ask me for a FST scholarship because they are disabled. It is really the wrong approach for asking me for a scholarship.  I explain my own disabilities to them, and how I am not on any kind of government assistance. They don't seem to know how to respond to that.

  Maslow's hierarchy of needs, suggests that if they have not gotten the basics handled they might not be ready for the higher spots up the pyramid. Plenty of info on my free websites, and free support through k -list and the K teacher guestbook. Nobody is falling through the cracks. 

  Sometimes charity results in validating people's belief in their own helplessness. I am very grateful for the donations I get, but they are motivated by what I provide for people. Support for me to keep on doing what I am doing.  Grateful for a supportive husband paying most of the household bills too. 

  I have bought hand crocheted dish cloths from little old ladies, hand beaded lighter covers from a disabled woman at a compassion club, tons of stuff from people who have a shop in secondlife because they are too disabled for a rl store.  Disabled rarely means helpless. You are proof that a disability does not mean a free ride.

  Everybody comes in with some gift to offer to pay their way, and creative people can always find a way to earn a few extra. At one point in my life I was on welfare, and made some extra xmas money by painting store and restaurant windows.  Going door to door with my bag of paint and supplies, painting whatever people wanted. A sushi restaurant wanted a summo wrestler santa in the style of the old japanese woodcuts.  He got it.

  People like Stephen Hawking, the poor guy looks like a bug squashed on the windshield but hes a working professor, author and celebrity, his mind out in the stars. Bet hes gotten a ton of funding but hes earned it, his disability is extreme but he has never stopped working. Most people would have given in to the helplessness.

  I think, replace scoffing with amusement at absurdity, and so long as you are not actually mocking the clients you will be fine. Replace praise with acknowledgement, its easier to swallow.  Positive feedback.

  It is part of your job to resist people who want to get money for stupid stuff, and save the money for the people who really need it to get the smart stuff.

  Sure if they want to fight about it, go over your head then you may have to fight them but it is more likely you made the right call, and the MPs would back you up. The more people write to their MPs about stupid stuff, the less the MPs will have time to deal with it all. The complaint goes into the cranks folder for the assistant to send off the boilerplate response, so they can focus on their real work.

  You seem to be really good at it too. I am not seeing any problem here except you being really hard on yourself, as usual. 

   

Thanks Mystress! I read your response shortly after you initially wrote it and sat with it for a bit.

Your home in the burbs sounds lovely. I have heard those things about Vancouver and a similar thing has been happening here in Sydney.

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Trust my instincts seems to be something people have been telling me a lot lately.

The other day I was sitting with my body. I recently finished intermediate level of somatic trauma training (Peter Levine), and out of that, I have found out that my body braces a lot. So, some part of me will feel a lot of discomforts (e.g. being in a  busy crowd) but my mind overrides that and pushes on. Hence the bracing/contraction. So, as I was sitting with my body I allowed it to do what it wanted to do at that moment. I felt quite like a mannequin as my body made my neck go fully back and side to side, and collapse, and twist and grimace. I am trying to surrender to it but some part of me still feels scared when my body does these spontaneous movements that can seem quite quick and sometimes violent(?).

I recently returned from a lovely trip to Europe.  I went to Copenhagen, Stockholm, Helsinki, St Petersburg, Tallinn, Torun, Gdasnk and Berlin. I also spent time with my mother's family. I chaperoned my mum until we got to Poland. One interesting comment from several different family members at different times towards my was, "It's like you're from another planet". Meaning that even my mother's relatives think she is something different.

I loved exploring the old cities (castles, museums, mausoleums), although I think Berlin still had the biggest WW2 presence. The only thing is that now I've returned home there seems to be a more "surreal" quality to life. The world literally looks and feels a bit different. Not too sure what is going on there.

I had a very weird dream the other night. I am not sure if it is because I have watched one too many movies like annihilation (I watched that a few months back). In this dream, I was crouching low and people were examining my back. I can't recall what environment it was, but it did seem a bit sterile. Anyhow, on my back was this huge growth of many flowers but not flowers. It was not fungus. It was like a rainbow parasitic bloom of hybrid coral and land-based flowers. It grossed me out, a lot. One of the people examining my back accidentally broke a piece of which then fell to the floor a lot of clear liquid (water) poured out. I think I have hostile/resistant feelings towards anything "parasitic". It is disturbing. I mean, in my more worried times I would obsessively cut cords or look for attachments - trying to stamp out and get rid of anything parasitic.

I was sitting with myself the other night and had something release out of the nerves, muscles and tissues around my solar plexus. This releasing is still incremental and still feels like I am being stabbed each time.  And that physical and energetic sensation of the top of my head being lifted off but not lifting off is back when I sit in meditation. The topmost feeling I feel is frustration, which I feel in my stomach (gut) - contraction. I will sit with it and play with the thought of what would it be like to relax into it, even just a little bit.

I woke up at midnight with excruciating pain in my abdomen which is still with me now, but to a milder extent. The last time I felt this way was the day after I had a deep tissue massage. I don't feel worried - I am quite tired.

Just adding to the point of most of my family having trouble with intimate relationships or lifelong partnerships. My family is not very good at having genuine friendships or a large circle of friends. They're mostly loners or introverted personalities. Some may have Autism too, like my maternal grandfather. This introversion occurs on both sides of the family. Members of my family like space and privacy. I will say that my mum's family is very competitive with each other and do like to poke each other to get a reaction. I observed this when I was with them a few weeks ago. My mum is very drama-based when something causes a reaction in her (sniping, criticising, chopping at others or self). And if I have those tendencies, it's from that side of the family. 

I don't like the thought of relationships because I am worried about not being able to rid myself of someone who is  a drain on me (parasitic).  I would certainly not want to inflict that pain on someone else. I have had a tendency to draw people in who are not very reciprocal. Meaning, I don't feel like I am getting anything in return on any level (enjoyment)... just irritation, confusion, and other similar things over time. My social radar is just off. Actually, I do wonder. I don't seem to offer things of value to people, hence why I have problems forming and maintaining friendships, but I am not quite sure what that is. What is it that people want but don't get from me? genuine social interest? I am not good at giving compliments or pandering to people.

Why do I draw in certain kinds of people? I mean, it doesn't impact me if they aren't in my life. What is it that I give them? I had this problem in mental health when I worked with people around my age or slightly younger, they would disengage with me quite quickly. I probably came across as being something strange from another planet. One person kept talking about needing to be around "lively" things and not "boring" things. A few weeks later she disengaged from the service citing she no longer needed support. This is another reason why I wanted to get away from 1:1 support work as I don't know what these people want on a social level. I can't give them something I don't possess to begin with. "Social stuff" really does not interest me, but it is a skill I need to develop to try and get on with everyone else - to make them comfortable.  Yes, that is another thing, the lack of bother with others due to seeming "boring" and the energy it would take to fit other peoples molds of "interesting". I have other things I can do with my time, yet at the same time, I feel a sense of loss? or sadness?

I love observing willy wagtails, the little bird featured in my profile pic. Just a sense of delight wells up. They're so cute and animated. I always enjoy walking through the park, having them zip-zag around me as I walk. They're actually quite territorial little birds and feisty. They'll often take on birds bigger than them when they enter their territory during nesting season (e.g. eagles, kookaburras, crows, ravens, magpies), usually a stealth attack from behind!

I was trying to glimpse my lower chakras while on the train to work today but I am not able to do it at this time.  I think I may need to approach it from a different way then head-on.

I had a really nice remedial massage yesterday. Well, by nice, I mean that it got things moving.  I have a lot of pain-points in my body so when the masseuse worked on my calves and hip and anywhere else it hurt a lot. So, I had to be mindful of clenching my jaw in bracing against the pain as those pain points were worked out. She also worked on my jaw and that pain was horrendous, but it was good afterward. You can hold a lot of stress and anger in the jaw which then permeates around the temple. The temporalis muscle and masseter muscle. The test used to see if your jaw is tight is to see if you can horizontally fit three fingers in your mouth. Anyway, loosening up the jaw has helped with the neck and shoulders. I'll be going back on Saturday for dry needling and round two of getting the congestion out of my body. I have made sure that I've had plenty of water to drink. Gotta let my body do what it wants to do in terms of clearing out old stuff.