Mystress

Something big has happened tonight.  I am just not sure of what it is.  Can you help me figure it out?

I was reviewing several lesson videos tonight.  I was in that state of Being in the Myst-- when I open my eyes every thing is in a fog.  I then went to the video about Gender Reversal.
This was the first time I watched this video.  

I cried throughout the video. I don't want to be in this minority group.  I have all the symptoms. Somewhere, somehow this is ringing all my bells.  I don't know what it means, but I know this is my truth.  I have been unable to stop crying.  I feel sick to my stomach. I can't remember anything to make this an issue for me.  (I have little rememberance of being a small child.)  DUH!!!!!!

I went upstairs and took a bath and I still could not stop crying.  I don't even know why I am crying.  I decided to come back downstairs, turn my computer back on and talk to you. (I cannot believe this is happening now.  I've got to get myself together.  I promised I would go to my woman's group Christmas party tomorrow.  I have not gone to the group in two months.  I have to get up early and make Lasagne for the lunch tomorrow.)

When I was in the bath, I just kept asking myself..."What is wrong with you?"  I don't know why I am falling apart at the moment.  There must be something that I can't remember.  How do I deal with this?  

I really feel sick.  I'm not sure I even want to remember if there is something to remember. Once when I was having body work done, I had a "memory?" of someone throwing me down the stairs.  At the time,my hand went to an old scar I have on my forehead from "falling down" the stairs.  (That's what I was told happened.)  I don't know where the thought of being thrown down the stairs come from.  I cried alot when I had that rememberance. Still don't know if it is true.

I have been working a lot on Acceptance, AS IS.  Not, how I want it to be or how I wish it were.  I have spent my whole life wanting to be other than what I am.  And here I am again... Wanting it to be other than what it is??

Actually, I feel somewhat better since I have been writing all this.  Perhaps, I will be able to get to sleep and everything will be ok for me in the morning.  I will get up make my veggie lasagne and go to the luncheon and have a great time.....

From my mouth to Goddess Ears....

Good night....   Love, c-light

I know you wrote this to Mystress, and I'm sure she'll know the right things to say to you. But I wanted to let you know that you're not alone with this. I, too, cried when I got to the Gender Reversal lesson. And I, too, don't remember most of my childhood except I know it was frought with mental, physical, and sexual abuse. Just finally accepting that I was abused and then releasing it to Goddess has helped me greatly.

Just want to let you know that you're not alone.

Love,

Leslee

: Just want to let you know that you're not alone.

: Love,

: Leslee

THANK YOU LESLEE  I appreciate your support.  
I could not go to sleep last night.  K was raging in me.  Finally at 3:00 a.m. I got up and covered myself in essential oils to try to relax myself enough to sleep.  

At 3:30 a.m. I got up and went to meditate for an hour.  I went to bed and to sleep around 4:30a.m.

That is when I had  "THE DREAM".

In the dream,I was the one who caused the problem.

There was a party.  I had been drinking.  There were lots of people at the party.  At some point I left the party with some children.

I ended up finding my husband asleep.  I crawled into bed with him and one thing lead to another and soon I am giving him a blow-job.  He was very happy, it had been a long time and his penis was HUGE.  

To my horror, I realize that I had forgotten about the little boy who was with me who was watching me and was now laying on the floor crying and totally grossed-out by what he had seen.

I am beside myself not knowing how I could have let such a thing happen.  Then his bigger brother and a friend come and he tells them what he has seen.  He cannot believe I would do such a thing.  I know he is totally traumatized.  I feel very bad about what has happened.

I have to tell his mother who is already freaked out simply because she had been caught drinking in front of this little boy.  

I tell her what has happened-what I let him see me doing.  She is furious with me and Shuns me.  Everyone knows what I have done.  I need to find her sister, who is my friend, to tell her what has happened.  How I did not plan this, how I feel so bad about causing damage to this little boy.  I wake up.  

I did not go to my Woman's group luncheon today.  I feel wiped out.  I called to tell the hostess that I would not be coming.  This is not like me.  I am usually responsible and dependable.
Somehow I felt I needed time to process all this.  

Heavy duty dream, C-Light. This dream tells me that maybe you blame yourself for what happened to you when you were a kid? Because nowhere in what you said about the dream, did you indicate that you KNEW the child was watching what you were doing while you were doing it; I also didn't see any intent there, on your part, to hurt the child. Too, why is it bad for a child to see someone express love to another in such a beautiful way? Seems like your guilt over sex or something else is being projected onto the child in the dream. (Nothing wrong with a HUGE penis, either .) To top it off, you try to make amends to all these people for doing something that wasn't even bad or intentional. That they shun you is their problem, not yours.

Seems to me that this dream is a wake-up call. You need to recognize, like Louise Hay says, that you are perfect, whole, and complete just as you are. You're allowed to make mistakes. You're allowed to follow your heart.

You've obviously got compassion and wisdom going on...

BTW, I know what you mean about raging K. I often can't sleep either, so now I just try to enjoy the ride.

Peace and love,

Leslee

: Mystress

: Something big has happened tonight.  I am just not sure of what it is.  Can you help me figure it out?

: I was reviewing several lesson videos tonight.  I was in that state of Being in the Myst-- when I open my eyes every thing is in a fog.  I then went to the video about Gender Reversal.
: This was the first time I watched this video.  

: I cried throughout the video. I don't want to be in this minority group.  I have all the symptoms. Somewhere, somehow this is ringing all my bells.  I don't know what it means, but I know this is my truth.  I have been unable to stop crying.  I feel sick to my stomach. I can't remember anything to make this an issue for me.  (I have little rememberance of being a small child.)  DUH!!!!!!

I am sorry it upset you. I wish I could find a way to make this lesson less upsetting to people. In the course, it seems you are a not a minority... It seems Goddess sends me a lot of gender reversed students, perhaps because I am one of the few to go into it.

: I went upstairs and took a bath and I still could not stop crying.  I don't even know why I am crying.

Well, it would seem you are crying out the trauma that caused you to split.

: I decided to come back downstairs, turn my computer back on and talk to you. (I cannot believe this is happening now.  I've got to get myself together.  I promised I would go to my woman's group Christmas party tomorrow.  I have not gone to the group in two months.  I have to get up early and make Lasagne for the lunch tomorrow.)

Sorry you missed your party... if you ae online, would you like to meet in chat? I am supposed to be getting a stereo installed in our truck today but I slept in. I'll keep the chat window open on my desktop in case you get this.

: When I was in the bath, I just kept asking myself..."What is wrong with you?"  I don't know why I am falling apart at the moment.  There must be something that I can't remember.  How do I deal with this?  

I wish I had some easy answers, but you are in Goddess hands. How I handle this in a counselling session depends on the individual.

: I really feel sick.  I'm not sure I even want to remember if there is something to remember. Once when I was having body work done, I had a "memory?" of someone throwing me down the stairs.  At the time,my hand went to an old scar I have on my forehead from "falling down" the stairs.  (That's what I was told happened.)  I don't know where the thought of being thrown down the stairs come from.  I cried alot when I had that rememberance. Still don't know if it is true.

Can you talk to your parents about it?

: I have been working a lot on Acceptance, AS IS.  Not, how I want it to be or how I wish it were.  I have spent my whole life wanting to be other than what I am.  And here I am again... Wanting it to be other than what it is??

Aceptance is sometimes a lifelong issue... Goddess always challenges you to accept more bigger stuff, till you are All.

: Actually, I feel somewhat better since I have been writing all this.  Perhaps, I will be able to get to sleep and everything will be ok for me in the morning.  I will get up make my veggie lasagne and go to the luncheon and have a great time.....

: From my mouth to Goddess Ears....

: Good night....   Love, c-light

Good day! Glad you felt better for writing. Blessings...

: I know you wrote this to Mystress, and I'm sure she'll know the right things to say to you. But I wanted to let you know that you're not alone with this. I, too, cried when I got to the Gender Reversal lesson.

First, Leslee, thank you for your support of Light! I really appreciate it when the students reach out to each other. We are all in this together, even though the nature of the online training and yoga is solitary.

 Second, that lesson has always felt very touchy and incomplete to me, and you can see it is probably the most gently worded lesson of them all. Yet still it gets the most intense reactions.

 Working with Light today, I was given the knowledge of how to edit it to smooth it out: because the topic of the lesson is reversed genders, it had not occured to me to list the other common cause of the symptoms... when the ego splits or splinters, without switching... which turned out to be the case, with Light.

 I was surprised to read her post, because she has never felt like a gender-switch to me. She is not... she just had an ego splinter erupt to be integrated. Her DB showed up male when I called for him at the end of the session.
I asked for her to post about the session, after she has had a chance to sleep on it.
  Blessings...

:  I was surprised to read her post, because she has never felt like a gender-switch to me. She is not... she just had an ego splinter erupt to be integrated. Her DB showed up male when I called for him at the end of the session.

Could you please call my DB for me? I could use some big time nurturing.

Love,

Leslee

  Uh, I don't think I expressed this very clearly... and how C-Light describes it, it is like somebody's DB is at my beck and call... it is not really like that. I am slave to Goddess, not commander.

 At the end of the session, to validate the work I told C-light to call on her DB and feel him. So she did, and he was there. I did not realize she had not connected with him before. I was surprised to read that today. I am sure Jasper would be surprised, too... because she did it so effortlessly and so well.  

 So, whatever "conjuring" I did is the same as in the lesson. I told her to do something, and she did it, and it worked.  

 Ground, Surrender, call for your DB, and feel...

 C-light was surrendered to me, so that I could clear her energy body, and I was holding her grounded. - all that means is that she had given me power over her energy body and I was holding a visualization/intention of it being grounded. You can do the same for yourself, of course. You are meant to do it yourself, but for my own convenience when working with a frightened person, I hold them grounded. Easier for me than working with someone who is not grounded.

  I can only do it if they surrender...

 C-light connected with the DB herself... like she described, she was already experiencing/ surrendering to so much impossible crazy stuff, that the leap of faith to do as I asked was automatic. No fear, no resistance= magical results.

 You guys think this stuff has to be hard, so it is hard for you. That Richard Bach quote... "Easy words for you, Master"... the seeker is expressing a belief, not a truth.

  "Argue for our limitations, and you get to keep them."

  Then Shimoda tells the crippled guy to get out of the wheelchair, with expectations that he will, and he does. No argument. Shimoda does nothing, but know that the guy being crippled, is illusion.

  Shimoda's confidence gives the guy what we call a "suspension of disbelief", like with hypnosis or getting into a movie so much you forget it is not real. BY YOUR FAITH ARE YOU HEALED! Not even healed, because the illness itself is illusion.

 I knew C-light could call on her DB, Jasper knew it, and C-light was too busy for doubt. So, she did it... by herself! I know you all can do it, I do not teach impossible stuff. It does not serve my goals for my students to experience failure... they do it because they get some value from it, the struggle makes achievement seem more worthwhile. They do not feel that they deserve for it to be effortless. Old habits.

 Everything I teach is do-able for anybody who takes the time to practice. We are all Goddess, no exceptions. We all have the grace, within us.

 I giggle sometimes at how hard you make things for yourself. You, Leslee, are very funny. I think it is kind of hilarious how your DB is playing this peek a boo game with you, to teach you not to try to control him/her, or have expectations. You will get it, eventually... in the meantime there is this courtship dance that is very cute. The Taming of the Shrew! LOL!!

 So, you ask me to conjure Gabriel up, like he is at my beck and call... heh! Whoo hoo, not clear on the concept... Funny. The slave expects the trainer to have the Master come running to do her bidding... this is comedy.
I think you should try Sean's trick, and blame Gabriel for stuff... ROTFLOL!!! I am going to have to officially add blame to my list of surrender methods.

 This tea room has had me laughing all day.

 That, and a phone call from one of my Priestesses. Last night she called me to do remote work on her friend's dog, because the dog has some kind of eye problem and was due to be put down today.
The dog, basically is manifesting his master's stuff. His master is a diabetic who does not take care of himself, and so falls into comas and seizures often and has lost half of each foot to gangrene. He is also obsessed with death images, like skulls and that kind of heavy metal/ Goth thing.
 My Priestess had already done healing work on the dog, another person she knew had done work on the dog, she had showed the Master how to do healing work on the dog, and we all said the same thing about why the dog was sick. It just made him cranky and he did not want to believe it.

 Today she called to tell me that when her friend went out this morning to take the dog to be put down, he discovered that in the huge storm last night, a tree had fallen on his car, and his neighbors car, and totalled them both. ROTFLMAO!! I am still giggling. It is defined by insurance as an "act of God" and not covered by his policy. Whooo hoooo!! Just to be sure he gets the message that Goddess did it, to save the dog. that is what happen when you do not listen..
So, now he has no option but to stay home and take care of himself and his dog.

  Life is hilarous... I had best go take care of myself, my chiropractors office will be closing soon.
   Blessings!

: :  I was surprised to read her post, because she has never felt like a gender-switch to me. She is not... she just had an ego splinter erupt to be integrated. Her DB showed up male when I called for him at the end of the session.

: Could you please call my DB for me? I could use some big time nurturing.

: Love,

: Leslee

:   <
:   At the end of the session, to validate the work I told C-light to call on her DB and feel him. So she did, and he was there. I did not realize she had not connected with him before. I was surprised to read that today. I am sure Jasper would be surprised, too... because she did it so effortlessly and so well.
...............

I think you are right,I have known my DB before in meditation.  I just did know it was a "him"  I just felt "it" when it touched me tenderly.  I thought it was female energy. I never felt the strength and the warrior aspect of him.  

 .......................

:   I knew C-light could call on her DB, Jasper knew it, and C-light was too busy for doubt. So, she did it... by herself! I know you all can do it, I do not teach impossible stuff. It does not serve my goals for my students to experience failure... they do it because they get some value from it, the struggle makes achievement seem more worthwhile. They do not feel that they deserve for it to be effortless. Old habits.
:  
:   This tea room has had me laughing all day.

: : :  I was surprised to read her post, because she has never felt like a gender-switch to me. She is not... she just had an ego splinter erupt to be integrated. Her DB showed up male when I called for him at the end of the session.

: : Could you please call my DB for me? I could use some big time nurturing.

: : Love,

: : Leslee

: :   <
: :   At the end of the session, to validate the work I told C-light to call on her DB and feel him. So she did, and he was there. I did not realize she had not connected with him before. I was surprised to read that today. I am sure Jasper would be surprised, too... because she did it so effortlessly and so well.
: ...............

       - CORRECTION, SHOULD READ DID NOT KNOW-
I think you are right,I have known my DB before in meditation.  I just did NOT know it was a "him"  I just felt "it" when it touched me tenderly.  I thought it was female energy. I never felt the strength and the warrior aspect of him.  

:   .......................

: :   I knew C-light could call on her DB, Jasper knew it, and C-light was too busy for doubt. So, she did it... by herself! I know you all can do it, I do not teach impossible stuff. It does not serve my goals for my students to experience failure... they do it because they get some value from it, the struggle makes achievement seem more worthwhile. They do not feel that they deserve for it to be effortless. Old habits.
: :  
: :   This tea room has had me laughing all day.

: : : :  I was surprised to read her post, because she has never felt like a gender-switch to me. She is not... she just had an ego splinter erupt to be integrated. Her DB showed up male when I called for him at the end of the session.

: : : Could you please call my DB for me? I could use some big time nurturing.

: : : Love,

: : : Leslee

  Well, then maybe you really were a switch, and she became he when the little girl went into the light. We can analyse till the cows come home, but it doesn't matter, really. What matters is, you feel better!
 I promised I would write a synopsis of the session... so.. for the benefit of the other students:

 As soon as C. joined me in the chat and I tuned in on her I felt cold. Cold is often ghosts or emotional energy releasing. So cold, I put on a polar fleece robe and made a cup of tea. (at least, my body did.. my mind stayed in the chat)
 We focused on the source of the cold, in her solar plexus. I took a good look at it and saw a little blonde girl, about 3 years old and freaking!  C. was not seeing her clearly, so I pulled the girl into my lap and tried to reassure her. She was crying her eyes out and the only coherent word I got was "Mommy".

  I waited for Goddess to tell me what to do with this situation (there are a few different ways to handle it and She had not told me which one to use) and as soon as I surrendered knowing, I got an ICQ message from my graduate student Jasper... whom I have not heard much from in several months. I told him what I was up to and invited him to come help out. Turns out, he had been just reading the reverse gender lesson the night before...

 We have done tons of healing work together, and on each other... he graduated before this course was even written, and he is Tribe.

  So when we get together to work the energy is pretty intense. Fun too, like a circus juggling act, tossing entities and doing miracles like magic tricks. Heh.. Goddess does it.  

 I handed the blonde girl over to him, and she calmed right down. She seemed to be telling him about a monster, so Goddess provided me the monster. It looked like a black lump of fur with eyes, like one of those mop dogs. I thought perhaps they needed to make friends...
 C. could not quite follow our telephathy assisted chat shorthand, and I am not surprised. I took a moment to fill her in on what we were up to, and while I was distracted, Jasper sent the child and the monster into the light to let Goddess sort it out.

Since they were gone, I went to work blasting away the remaining cold spot in my solar plexus, and while I was at it, pulled a bunch of stuff out of C. She was in an excellent state of surrender, very receptive to energy work tho barely able to type. Clearing stuff from her was easy as plucking grapes off the vine.

 Goddess was also giving C. back the best bits of what had been surrendered... quite an influx of energy as the little girl re-integrated with C.'s inner child... and whatever else Goddess was up to.
 Made Jasper cry with the beauty of it. He has been away from this work too long, he had forgotten about the blessings of beauty, Buddha laughter and joy that is the bonus for the work.

 Jasper and I were both picking karma grapes off C. and filling her with light. There were a few minor things to clear up, some stiffness resistance in the back of her neck.. probably related to that logical fear of insanity stuff.. and some stuff around her crown that we surrendered.
Her energy looked clear, a nice concentrated white oval with gold edges, and the grounding cord was wide and stable. I checked into the Earth and swept away a bit of stuff along the lower cord, and by then it felt like C. was nearing the limit of how much energy work her body could handle in one day.

 So, I gave her some aftercare instructions (camomile tea or water, and a nap) and asked if she had any questions. Out of her questions came the suggestion that she call on her DB and check him out.

: :   <
: :   At the end of the session, to validate the work I told C-light to call on her DB and feel him. So she did, and he was there. I did not realize she had not connected with him before. I was surprised to read that today. I am sure Jasper would be surprised, too... because she did it so effortlessly and so well.
: ...............

I'm at the developping your heart chakra section of the course.  I don't know if I'm meeting my divine beloved or my heart voice.  When I called upon my divine beloved, I met with a lovely lady who cared for me a great deal.  When I looked for man, I met one who is very sullen and did not want to be there.  I don't know what this means, but I'm putting focussing on my DB aside for now, because I don't know what I'm receiving.

The way I see this situation, is that whatever is happening with me can't be bad, because everything is for the best.  I am what I am.

My childhood was not bad, it was just completely devoid of love, and unintentionnaly psychologically abusive, and this hurt me a great deal.  

If a gender-reversal occured, well, it was probably to help me and I don't necessarily see it as a bad thing, but I see denial of who I am as a bad thing.

I'm not assuming that I have "reversed gender syndrome" for now, I'm just going to go with the flow and see what appears, without forcing the issue.  The past is the past, and can be healed.  A great deal of healing occurs when I send love the little girl I was/is in the past.

Namaste