I'm coming up on 6 months of study. Just wanted to share a few thoughts.

My Divine Beloved/Unconscious has been communicating with me my whole life. The messages are every bit as subtle, paradoxical, and dreamlike as you might expect. For the most part, so far, the language has been TV, movies, and music. But recently a message was underlined, definitely for emphasis, with an extra-ordinary amount of deja vus over an extended period of days.

I've never experienced anything like it. The timing of this episode and the experience of it was not a coincidence, and also not to be ignored. Couldn't miss it if you tried type thing, as close to direct contact as it gets. Like if you were asking for a sign, well... that was a sign. Literally even; on the drive home at the end of this episode, I passed by a shop called Deja Vu, right there on the sign, and knew that I had seen it before in my dreams. Appeared right on time, deja vu all over again. "Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony." Or a twisted sense of humor.

Along those lines, Fire Serpent Tantra has given me the language to identify and describe deep personal problems. But it's so strange... the whole reason I am even here is because of those problems. It makes it feel like everything has been leading up to this. The problem leading to its own solution. Like a seam, a thread curling out of a knot, if I could only just pull it and unravel my self.

Because I feel... hopelessly tangled up.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

P.S. Some bonus superfluous conjecture from a spiritual amateur. If we could just always remember that we are spirits having human experiences, couldn't we live fearlessly? If that truth penetrated our being so much that it could be known and lived experientially, wouldn't life be more like a fun adventure or something?

That's not what it feels like right now. Right now it feels like, if we are spirits, why oh why didn't we just stay spirits and bask in Goddess love? Does it have something to do with creation realizing its own perfection? Kind of a, if a tree falls in the woods, and there's no one around to hear it type thing? Or if we didn't learn the lessons the hard way, we wouldn't really appreciate them? "You had to suffer shipwreck through your own efforts before you were ready to seize the lifebelt he threw you."

I don't know. Ancient Upanishad quote and I'm out:

"As the eagle of the mountains, having soared high in the air
above the earth,
Wings its way back to its resting place, being fatigued by its long
flight,
So does the soul, having experienced the life of the phenomenal,
relative and mortal,
Return finally unto itself, where it can sleep beyond all desires,
and beyond all dreams. . . ."

From all the studies of near death experiences, ever since science learned how to jump-start hearts, we have learned something of what happens after death.

  There is the life review, where you experience how knowing you affected everyone your life touched, with perfect empathy for how it felt to know you.
 
  After is posed one question: "How well did you love?" and you answer it, for yourself having just received all the data. 

  That is as close as I have ever come, to defining a purpose for life.

How well did you love? That is the “simple but not easy” par excellence.

Of course I’m fully on board with that. I’ve read that a mind with the experience of Awakening realizes that the clear purpose of life is to manifest love and compassion toward all beings.

And it’s something I’ve been trying to remind myself lately, in a “fake it ’til you make it” type way, that in practice it is basically living like Bill Murray at the end of Groundhog Day. The impact we have on others, being the name of the game. Life as a canvas, loving the art, a creative masterpiece if we do it well.

I guess I’m just stuck in a rut/malaise and complaining that the test is hard. And that the test started before we even realized it was one. A pop quiz that most people don’t even know about until it’s already over, too late. I hope whoever poses the question is grading on a curve, cutting us some slack for the time before we realized what was going on.

Because the things that happen to us early on affect our ability, and even our inclination, to manifest love and compassion for the rest of our lives. And that stuff that happens early on, is often the cause of falling into ruts/malaise later.

I feel lucky that I’m aware of this stuff now, so that I can mitigate the damage going forward. But looking back, I could have done so much better if I had only known. Oof. C’est la vie.

I guess those who are exceedingly lucky are raised well by good people, and maybe that luck has something to do with how well they loved on the “previous” exam

I was told recently that the Buddha spent 17 lifetimes as a holy being before he Awakened. And I was told this in the sense of, “What chance do we have?” And it’s true… the rubric is extreme!

I mean, that in itself is reason enough for compassion, that we are all thrown into the deep end of this raging sea, together. We’re all in this together.

All that said, there’s an awful lot to be thankful for. Gonna keep slogging through, trying my best.

Wow. So this course was not arranged by accident. Or maybe the lessons are just synchronizing with my experience in a serendipitous way.

It’s like the Eckhart Tolle quote, “Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.”

And so, a new insight with regard to my complaining: Goddess keeps putting certain things in our life, puts us through these painful tests, as a way to help us practice surrender.

And the idea of femdom BDSM tantra is brilliant because, in that sense, Goddess is the supreme Mistress. Life is hard, harsh, filled with pain. But if we can take pleasure in that pain with the glee of a masochist, or at least accept our lot in life, it makes things a little bit more bearable.

If we submit and surrender to Her will, the hard knocks are revealed as graceful acts of compassion from Goddess. In the same way that the pain inflicted by a dominatrix is a form of compassion if her partner enjoys it. Because she’s giving him what he wants, so the meaner she can be, the more pleasurable it is for him, in that inverse way. Have to try to get to a place where life hurts so good

I mean that sounds messed up, but what’s the alternative? A miserable existence because life is unbearable and it hurts so bad? Resistance, struggling with the way things are? It’s a losing game cause you can't change the past, life is always going to have rough patches, them’s the breaks. Gotta pay your dues if you wanna sing the blues / and you know it don’t come easy.

It’s like, there is the Fool and the Tragic Hero. Life happens, bad things happen, and to the Tragic Hero, this is an insurmountable calamity and they cannot go on or live with it. Whereas the Fool, they laugh and dance about it, about their troubles and problems. Transforming it into something new, a type of healing. Which one sounds like the healthier attitude?

I’m not saying this attitude would make things a cake walk. But if I could adopt this attitude and remember to adhere to it, try to be happy when I'm sad in a way, it could make things easier. The obstacle is the way type thing.

Mystress, your course is Byzantine in the complex and intricate sense.

Just came across this Zen proverb, which seems apropos:

Let go or be dragged.

Quote from: halloween on Oct 10, 2017, 04:18:46 PM

Wow. So this course was not arranged by accident. Or maybe the lessons are just synchronizing with my experience in a serendipitous way.
...
Mystress, your course is Byzantine in the complex and intricate sense.

  Your posts made me laugh with delight!

  There is quite some magic to FST eh? An intensity I don't share with the less committed, on my public pages. Goddess guided me in writing and arrangeing FST but She is responsible for the awesome synchronicities that make the lessons come home to where you are at. I guess some people think, an online course, a few hours a week... but FST is 24/7! The insights come as you ripen, and new different ones every time you read a page, depending on where you are at. 

  All you need to know about FST are in the two quotes at the top of the first page:

Someone wrote to me today: "I have to admit I was a little taken aback when I learned you were a dominatrix and K awakened but I realised after watching what was going on that what you actually do is teach surrender to the Goddess and so it is clear to me now.  I have not come across this before!"

  I realized the problems people have with awakening come of fighting the process... society does not teach about surrender.

  "Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world." Tennyson

  and there is the jewel of the quest. Ascension. Already you are in a different world than before eh? The more you clear your karma and embrace life with joy laughter and gratitude, the more your body vibration rises, the beneficial synchs increase and you become sort of invisible to a lot of the mundane crap other folks have to deal with, like not finding parking spaces or worrying about paying bills. Goddess has it handled. Her slaves are so well cared for, in every way!

Of course I’m fully on board with that. I’ve read that a mind with the experience of Awakening realizes that the clear purpose of life is to manifest love and compassion toward all beings.

  The experience of awakening and the studies of NDEs certainly do seem to validate that, and other studies show that a compassionate attitude actually keeps you healthier and gives you a better quality of life.

And it’s something I’ve been trying to remind myself lately, in a “fake it ’til you make it” type way, that in practice it is basically living like Bill Murray at the end of Groundhog Day. The impact we have on others, being the name of the game. Life as a canvas, loving the art, a creative masterpiece if we do it well.

Yes, and... turn inward. Its easy to do the guy thing, being the 'doer' but for this you must turn inward and see the deeper impact of how you treat others, is a manifestation of how you treat, and feel about your own self. Our ability to love and care for others is limited by our ability to love ourselves so its best to focus on the stone in your own eye, as the expression goes. After all, we really have no power to control what anyone else will think, feel, say or do.  At this stage, a lot of the "learning to love better" is about self love, and forgiveness. I do not teach about forgiveness because it sort of validates a projection of harm, but self forgiveness can be ultimate compassion. When you really learn to love yourself, compassion for others follows naturally.


I guess I’m just stuck in a rut/malaise and complaining that the test is hard. And that the test started before we even realized it was one. A pop quiz that most people don’t even know about until it’s already over, too late. I hope whoever poses the question is grading on a curve, cutting us some slack for the time before we realized what was going on.

  Its not a test. Get over that idea. Goddess isn't a cranky schoolmarm. We grow up in school and think life is school, and that is sort of immature really. Even the final question "How well did you love" is not a test, its self assessment, ultimately personal... how well others loved you, isn't even relevant. It is not about testing, none of it is. It is about making decisions. To love or to fear. The power of your free will. The decisions we make, shape our results, what we put out comes back multiplied.

Because the things that happen to us early on affect our ability, and even our inclination, to manifest love and compassion for the rest of our lives. And that stuff that happens early on, is often the cause of falling into ruts/malaise later.

I feel lucky that I’m aware of this stuff now, so that I can mitigate the damage going forward. But looking back, I could have done so much better if I had only known. Oof. C’est la vie.

I guess those who are exceedingly lucky are raised well by good people, and maybe that luck has something to do with how well they loved on the “previous” exam

Bullshit. My childhood had loads of abuses, talking to my old dad a few weeks ago left me so distressed my excema went crazy with blisters and hives on my hands for a few weeks. Mostly the right hand, hand of free will, swelled right up, covered in itchy blisters that wept. I know he had no intention of inflicting harm, he was just talking like he does, should have been a positive conversation about how he feels ready to let go of life because it had been good. He is 93, nearly blind, on 8l of oxygen a day. Hearing that he is at peace with himself reminded me of how he is completely oblivious to the deep scars he has left on all his 5 kids ... aaaaaahhh !!

  Spent some time in denial, thinking, some new allergy? Contact dermatitis? Insect bites? Some sort of infestation? Nope, I might be totally grounded by my hand is literally blistering with anger. Told the karma vampires I know, "I am your banquet." Best short term relief came of taking loads of antihistamine, benadryl.
 
Have been working on a book about post traumatic stress, a resolution of it, but what I got is complex post traumatic stress, totally different animal, it affects how the child
s brain grows, how the stress influenced DNA is switched on or off,  and so is considered a nearly incurable developmental disability. Just when I think its cleared, some new trigger hits, because cPTSD is developmental, it gets embedded in everything. Clearing triggers is a whack a mole game.

   Want to know the real kicker? cPTSD creates "helper" personalities.  Lotuses growing from the mud eh? My calling is based on my scars? aaack. Thats like how comedians are often very depressed people who find some comfort in making other people laugh.

  Wider view, soul chose parents with a lot of magic and psi in the DNA and prime "what not to do" examples of how people can get fucked up by it and become heartless. Still... so much of what I know, came as a side effect of efforts to heal myself.

   Touchstones: what others do to us is seldom ever as bad as what we do to ourselves, in reaction to it. Our reaction, is our own stuff, our free will. Eh, most recent blisters tingling under the bandages just talking about it. The illness has hold of me, I struggle to remember myself. Picked up a book by Byron Katie, shes the master at taking back personal responsibility.

   Love, is a quantum energy. It transcends space and time. It is never too late, to have a happy childhood. The past only exists, in memory. Change the meaning of the memory, the emotions and affects change too. That is part of our free will power.
   

I was told recently that the Buddha spent 17 lifetimes as a holy being before he Awakened. And I was told this in the sense of, “What chance do we have?” And it’s true… the rubric is extreme!

  If time and space do not really exist then the whole concept of past lives goes out the window too. We do not and cannot know if the result of the life review is the design of the next one, or if all the data goes into the Machine and it spits out another new unique soul. I do know this, for those not ascended, eternity and no time at all are the same. When they step into the Light of unity with the Divine, time stops. Old Gods, aspects of the unconscious and ghosts who have passed on, do not experience time at all except when in connection with a living consciousness, or an ascended master. Time and space are of the body.   

Gonna keep slogging through, trying my best.

  No-one can ask more of you, than that.

Quote from: Mystress on Oct 12, 2017, 02:06:33 AM
When you really learn to love yourself

That… is the one I struggle with. Naturally, since it sounds like that’s the key one. I actually had the thought a few days ago that if part of the life review is how you treated yourself, how well you loved yourself… then I am in deep trouble lol. Stone in my own eye, I got a 2001 size monolith in my eye.

Quote from: Mystress on Oct 12, 2017, 02:06:33 AM
Want to know the real kicker? cPTSD creates "helper" personalities.  Lotuses growing from the mud eh? My calling is based on my scars? aaack. Thats like how comedians are often very depressed people who find some comfort in making other people laugh.

Wider view, soul chose parents with a lot of magic and psi in the DNA and prime "what not to do" examples of how people can get fucked up by it and become heartless. Still... so much of what I know, came as a side effect of efforts to heal myself.

Same here. That’s what I meant earlier about, the whole reason I am even here is because of my scars, trying to figure out how to heal them is what led me here. I do comedy, too, no joke. It was a thrill to find out that you did comedy improv. I’ve read Johnstone’s books, turns out you worked with him. Which to me was another synchronicity, like of course Mystress did comedy. Maybe we can start an FST improv group. Warning: watching these clowns might cause spontaneous k awakening.

But yeah, comedy, like Letterman used to joke all the time, it’s looking for the warmth the spotlight can’t provide. Something that was missed early on. Me wondering about charisma, trying to figure out how to be likable… when really it comes down to, people reject you because you reject yourself. Or how could anyone really like you if you don’t like yourself? And how can you really love anyone else if you don’t really love yourself?

The Don Draper complex, doing all these things to feel wanted. “You spend your whole life thinking you’re not getting it, people aren’t giving it to you. Then you realize they’re trying, and you don’t even know what IT is.” But like you said, Mystress, when you love yourself, you don't need to go to people with your cup, please fill this. You're overflowing... and then everyone falls in love with you.

The difference between what I could have been and what I am… I gotta move on. What could be will never be. Assume it completely, accept my limitations, laugh about my imperfections, paint my scars. Surrender. Make lemonade.

Quote from: Mystress on Oct 12, 2017, 12:33:28 AM
  Your posts made me laugh with delight!

I’m happy to hear that. I’m a big fan of your work. That’s an understatement. I’m madly in love with Goddess in you on the videos. The FST videos, party like it’s 1999 

QuoteOr maybe the lessons are just synchronizing with my experience in a serendipitous way.

Hehe... I told Mystress that FST pages are like Harry Potter stairs for me. I find new stuff every time I read. I have reread the pages many times after taking extensive breaks in between. I am in the process of writing my graduation essay. I still find a lot of timely and precise guidance when I reread the pages.

QuoteWarning: watching these clowns might cause spontaneous k awakening.

LOL... Well... In Buddhist visual arts, the moment of awakening is portrayed as belly laughter. Enlightenment as the realization of cosmic joke. Thorough collapse of meaning (for rational ego mind). Lots of old religions have the figure of laughing madman/saint as a key spiritual figure. Satori experiences are often accompanied by uncontrollable laughter and weeping with joy.

QuoteI mean that sounds messed up, but what’s the alternative? A miserable existence because life is unbearable and it hurts so bad? Resistance, struggling with the way things are? It’s a losing game cause you can't change the past, life is always going to have rough patches, them’s the breaks. Gotta pay your dues if you wanna sing the blues / and you know it don’t come easy.

I also had similar opinions about life being a test. So I was angry that I did not get a good start and kept telling myself coulda/woulda/shoulda reasons for not doing things that I want to do but am afraid to do. FST helped me realize through experience that there is no big test. No grades. I find Roseanne funny. In her show, Roseanne and her mom Bev have a dialog about the existence of God.

QuoteRoseanne: (when Bev wants to drop the conversation where she insinuated she doesn't believe in God) No, we can't just drop this-- you think you're the only person that's been through stuff? I've been through stuff. But, ya know, but, I still believe in God, ya know-- I mean, I'd like to believe all the horrible, hideous crap that I have to wallow through every single day of my life, at some point, I will find out the MEANING to and the reason FOR, I mean, so I can be happy, you know what I mean? There just has to be a God. There IS! I swear to God there is a God! And, if there ain't, I've been screwed!!!

LOL... God does not exist to justify why our life is miserable methinks. As Mystress pointed out above, the key is 'free will power'. Childhood trauma is extremely harmful because it distorts key developmental aspects but as Mystress said there are 'helpers'. It's a losing game when you make the decision that the game is already lost and not worth playing anymore. My guide reminds me: you don't have a choice about what cards you get, but you do have a choice about how you play them.

QuoteI guess those who are exceedingly lucky are raised well by good people, and maybe that luck has something to do with how well they loved on the “previous” exam

My parents and I have a troubled relationship. It used to be extremely bad. Now it is more open, honest, and loving in a mature and healthy way. I believe I have become a more empathetic and compassionate person because I have had to work on my troubled relationship with my parents. I learned to forgive myself and them because I did not want to be bound by that anger. It's a work in progress and it peels in layers.
Like many teens, I had very low self esteem based on my looks. I used to believe that good-looking people were lucky and somehow my life would be magically better if only I had good looks. Later in life I learned that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I also got to know a lot of gorgeous looking people personally and was shocked to find that (i) they also were insecure about their looks, and (ii) many felt lonely and misunderstood because others only perceived them through their looks. The below quote helps me to snap out of comparisons and instead refocus on my own fear so that I can work towards facing it and move forth.

Quote"To some extent we all compare ourselves to others. It's easy to come up short because we compare our insides with other people's outside, and while we know our own worst selves, we never fully know the pain, vulnerability, and sadness of others."
~ Harriet Lerner (The Dance of Fear, 2004)

Gopi, thank you for the thoughtful reply.

The part about the losing game being the decision that the game is already lost and not worth playing anymore... Sometimes it feels that way, when the lows are really low, in the doldrums.

Gotta play through, keep playing.

Sorry to hear you're feeling low and in the doldrums. I have been through similar phases. I want to share a folktale/metaphor that helped me during my doldrums.

There was a small child who had to cross a dense forest. He started walking but soon it became dark. He heard terrifying noises and animal growls coming from the pitch black forest. Luckily he had a small candle and a match in his bag. He lit the candle and that allowed him to see what is within a 3 foot radius. But he still couldn't see past 3 feet and froze in fear because he could hear all those frightening noises. He kept thinking about what lays 3 steps ahead of him and stood there feeling helpless and terrified. Soon he also realized that his small candle won't last forever and that he really does not want to be stuck in the forest. If he was brave enough to take the first step towards his goals, despite his fears and doubts, he would come to realize that as he moves the 3 feet light also moves.

Moral of story: We are given enough to keep moving even when we feel terrified and clueless about our journey.

My personal experience based insight: Divine guidance during K awakening is often times about taking the next step and not about figuring out the big picture or solving life's problems. During my initial K awakening turbulence, 'one day at a time' was a lifesaver for me. On really bad days, I was still grounding 8 times a day and I did not allow myself to plan/worry about anything beyond the next grounding practice. It took some discipline and dedication but within the first few days I felt a huge improvement in my life quality. I was able to taste and enjoy food again (which was taken away for months during my depressive episodes).

I practice Hatha yoga. In yogic philosophy, there are two important concepts that are deemed as foundational for any serious spiritual/inner work. They are in Sanskrit - 'abhyas' (practice) and 'vairagya' (detachment). These two key concepts are complementary to each other and repeatedly pop up in various Hindu contexts. Balancing these two in everyday life is the yogi's goal.

Abhyas is passionate practice. Like a dancer or musician or athlete who shows up for practice every day, rain or shine. Abhyas is not about the goal but about practice itself. To show commitment and grit towards one's own self through high and low. The passion here is not about my own individual ego wishes but about dissolving myself in and through practice. A yogi's abhyas is not about becoming a contortionist but about showing up for practice on his mat, same place same time.

Vairagya is without opinion. It is derived from another Sanskrit term 'viraga' which denotes 'spiritual/erotic fervor'. In Bakti traditions, longing for the Divine is always explicitly very erotic and personal. Viraga is to burn with longing that cannot be quenched by anything else other than the Divine's grace. The equivalent in Christian theology is 'incendium amoris' loosely translated as 'burning love' or the 'love that burns'. The root 'vi' stands for 'without' and 'raga' stands for emotion/affect/disposition/attitude. To be in viraga means to burn with love and give everything towards Divine - including one's hopes, dreams, cares, and sorrows. Derived from viraga is vairagya - to be without opinion. A yogi's vairagya is not about fixing the imperfections in the world but about giving up his opinions and judgements about what he sees as imperfect with the world.

I learned these two concepts through my Hatha yoga practice but have found it to be helpful in other aspects of my life as well. To show up for practice without expectations is a true challenge that is well worth the effort of mastering it. Since you're feeling low, I want to share my favorite prayer song that I learned through my Catholic schooling. The below words have brought me comfort and clarity through a lot of difficult times.

QuoteKeep me in the hollow of Thy hand,
Lead me through this wild and stormy land.

Thou doth guide my feet,
 tho’ the pathway may be steep.

Keep me in the hollow of the hand.


Chorus: 
Keep me,
 keep me day by day
Guide me,
 guide me all the way
Never, 
never let me stray
Keep me in the hollow of Thy hand.


Keep me in the center of Thy will,

All Thy plans for me may I fulfill,

As I go my way help me,
 Lord from day to day
Keep me in the center of Thy will.


Keep me in the circle of Thy love.

Looking down to comfort from above

Help me see Thy face as I pray for daily grace

Keep me in the circle of Thy love.

Gopi, thank you once again for the thoughtful (and helpful!) reply.

Re: about taking the next step, I am doing this literally. Trying to stay grounded in the present moment and body-mind awareness. Taking things step by step, moment to moment. Chop wood, carry water.

I have to keep reminding myself of these things, otherwise I forget. Half the trouble is wanting things, and also wanting things to be other than they are. My will, not Thine. But now it's time to let go and surrender to Goddess will. And what do you know? Goddess has it handled. Her slaves are so well cared for, in every way. Goddess provides.

What's there to worry about / want, when Goddess is looking out for us?

If I could just say a few more words...

Caterpillar
Cocoon
Butterfly

Order
Chaos
Re-organization

Evolve.

NEW.