In the past 6 months, I have been troubled by knee pain. Sometimes it was stiff, sometimes is was swollen and sometimes painful. It started with my right knee, and then shifted to my left.

Last month, I was prompted by Ma to close the door on being an employee. It's a message I heard before but haven't listened. As soon as I decided to stop, my knees stopped aching as well.

Except it wasn't as easy as that. I'm stubborn so it took much more than that.

The day I resolved to quit, the papers that I was waiting to put together to deliver came to the warehouse 3 hours late. On top of that, the table reserved in my name was being used by someone else and management did nothing to help me. I was frustrated to no end. I had determined a while ago that phone sex would be my next gig. I even did a training with one company but did not feel it was a fit. During my 3 hour wait, I found an ebook on how to become a phone sex operator and purchased it.

I have finished my first week and mad more this week than on I did weekly on my last job. But more importantly than that, I made a discovery that has been  a breakthrough in my spiritual practice.

I usually take a submissive approach to life. Before being a PSO (Phone Sex Operator) this statement would read:  I am submissive. But after speaking to several of my customers who are subs, I noticed something. I often find myself wanting to save subs or free them from their Dominant partner because I feel they really want to be dominant themselves. I want them to know that they are capable of making their own decisions and do not need anyone to tell them what to do. Why would they prefer to give their power away to others?

My epiphany was that 1) I am projecting my path onto others, 2) There a people on the earth who are truly submissive, by nature, and are fine with it, 3) I am not submissive by nature, and 4) I am fearful of my Dominant side.

It all came in a flash and I was reminded of Mystress' story about how being a Dominatrix was necessary for her development.

I realize that in order for me to grow, I must allow my Dominant side the ability to express Herself. Most of my life I have repressed her because she is blood thirsty, insatiable, bossy, mean, competitive, jealous--all the things I been working to eradicate in myself.

Most of my life I have been lying to myself and in my relationships. I really do feel that women make better decisions than men. That we are the power and they are the form. Yet I don't own it. I act the opposite in mens presence. I become a character that I feel they want, but it's not really me. The true me will never submit to another person for any reason at all. In fact I resent it. My first impulse it to do the exact opposite of what anyone expects me to do. Especially a man. And it has nothing to do with hate. Or that I feel I am superior to a man. I am just better suited to lead than follow.

Several times a day I get customers that want to worship me and call me a Goddess. That they will do whatever I ask to please me. I consciously have to allow myself to let Her come out. To not fear Her. To trust that She knows best. After all, She is Goddess within me; the aspect of her I am not comfortable with.

Of course, it's just phone sex, but I am grateful to have the opportunity to express this side of myself and allow her the freedom to exist. It is very healing and healthy for me.

I am grateful to Goddess.

  Excellent. I was a phone sex operator too, for a while before becoming a pro-dom and before that, years playing on the telepersonals telephone dating systems was a fascinating and anonymous way to explore.  I encountered some sub men on the chat lines and my physical reaction to their desires surprised me. A lot of introspection, self help courses, a video by Louise Hay and the book "Wishcraft" by Barbara Sher helped me refine my direction and my hearts desires: That my "work ethic" sucked and I would only be successful at work that seemed like play, to me and that I really didn't care about anything but art and spirituality and wanted patrons and helpers to support me being able to do more. That I have rare talents, and in a world with all sorts of people there would be some who would be happy to wash my dishes so I could finish a painting... and thanks to telepersonals I knew just where to find them.

  So I wrote and recorded my first real "Mistress" personal voice ad in 1992? and it became kind of legendary. I made it clear that I was a fiery redhead looking for service oriented submissives who would do housework, run errands, take me shopping or to dinner and events, and they should not expect any reward but my smile if they pleased me. I had no interest in their fantasies and was not going to tie them up or spank them or dress them up in my clothes. I was not going to dress for them either, and forget sex, they would not even be allowed to kiss me, except my hand.

  In two weeks I had two pages of my journal crammed with names, account and phone numbers, one per line. I culled it with further interviewing, messages, then chat. Over the next few months I got taken out to dinner a lot and ended up with a handful of sweet sub guys who wanted a woman to tell them what to do, and feel useful and valued. As my appreciation and affection for them grew I did start to play with them. When I noticed my slaves were treating me so much better than the vanilla guys I was dating, I reconsidered my "no sex with slaves" rule and dumped the vanilla guys.

  I had a handful of rules for them, like they were not allowed to sit on furniture and had to drink out of a jar,.. because guys washing dishes and breaking a glass hoping to get spanked for it,  just got them kicked out of my house.  Plus, relaxing listening to the music of chains jingling as a handsome man wearing them and little else but my collar, scrubs my floor on his hands and knees is just way fun. (yup and it was his idea too)  I made up code signals for them, if I looked at one and said "T" I could expect a perfectly prepared pint mug of my favourite tea about 8 minutes later.  I required them to bring me gifts with each visit, to show they were thinking of how to please me while we were apart... I did not require them to spend any money on the gifts. One impoverished student with a chivalrous mindset would make me illustrated and decorated booklets, bound with ribbon containing sonnets he had written for me. I still have them. Another who had some disposable income once surprised me with a new big colour TV because he failed to fix my old console one.  Of course they loved to give me whips and toys. I would not contact them, because it would be bad for them to have to say "no" to me. Instead they would contact me to let me know when they were available to serve me, and check in once a week even if they were not.

  Then, Goddess used economic blackmail to persuade force me to become professional. I was very resistant but it was that or be homeless.   I started light, foot worship outcall sessions while I soundproofed and decorated one of the empty bedrooms (room mates had moved out) and turned it into my new work space. She gets it right, it was an amazing time for me. I don't miss it though. 

  I advertised internationally in expensive, glossy magazines and grew a global rep for excellence and personal power. I am the only Mistress I ever heard of who trained slaves to respond to my thoughts...

  I had a spell on my advertising photos that redirected the energy of worship (wanking) up to Goddess autopilot, and She would give what they needed.  Men release all kinds of tension and stuff along with the spurt and I didn't need that energy incoming from a thousand strangers.  It was not until after I retired that I was allowed to see how She tricked me into becoming Her icon. The redirect gave a periscope effect I had not considered: I looked like Goddess, to them. Now I get guys in India writing asking for my "guru card" for their altars and its really the same gig isnt it? (presumably, except for the wanking) 

  An article inspired me recently: The most famous Domina in France is a tiny elderly woman who is revered. http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2014/02/catherine-robbe-grillet-french-dominatrix Actually it inspired a few people I shared it with, including one formerly vanilla couple and now I find myself in the odd position of mentoring a new miss.

  You can create an amazing life for yourself, as Domina Priestess.  Goddess makes dreams come true when you dedicate yourself to Her service, but it is not an easy road.  I coined the term "FemDom Tantra" back in the 90s and at one point considered the magic so dangerous I stepped well away and resolved not to teach it, because saying something is dangerous just makes fools want to rush in. FST turns it 180 degrees, internally focused. Turns out, I don't actually get a vote about that. People are discovering it anyway with their own path and experiments and there is no guidebook to even provide the warning label. 

  The mysteries of FemDom Tantra was to be part of FST level 2, but truthfully I do not know if it will ever be written. Level 1 keeps getting bigger instead. Seems like it would be better as a book but I don't know where to begin.
(I write that thought here, and get an idea for skype voice chat transcriptions Q&A with new misses)

   There are some things you need to know on this path.

  Karma = Power= Responsibility.

  Memorize those 3 words.  They are not the same but chained together, one follows the other circular. Men submit, give you their power.. you accept, take the responsibility that comes along with it, and you get a chunk of their karma.. a much bigger chunk of you allow them to call you Goddess. I would not allow that. I am Priestess, Goddess is that which I serve.  You need to stay mindful to cleanse yourself after every call. I knew some ProDoms who were not spiritual at all but they would switch and be sub to another ProDom once or twice a year just to shake off the weight of stuff from clients.

  You feel when they submit eh? Like the gas pump just plugged into your power chakra fueling you as they give you their power. That opens the chakra eye and it learns to see all the nuances. Learning to give back the power, and empower them in turn to maintain the balance is a whole other area...

Average proDom career is 3 years and retirement is because of burnout. I retired because I discovered my sessions were awaking K in my clients.

  There is a Wicca ritual called "Drawing down the moon" where the Priest projects the Goddess onto the Priestess, and she becomes that. Yet, she will be a slightly different Goddess with each Priest because she is accepting the projection of his Divine Beloved, in the form of whatever Goddess they invoke.  It is a tantric power that men have, to elevate a woman so.  It is not the same as when she is being Goddess within herself.

  The worship and power exchange with the sub men is the same ritual, cast unconsciously.  for me it became conscious, and that is why I was a mind blowing Domina.  Becoming what other people, = sub men need you to be for them, is the same magic. It can cause K awakening in your clients, and that is a whole different layer of karmic entanglement. If you play slave games, and "own" someone then its like they become a part of you, your k cleansing them and if they go into resistance (inevitable, the nature of ego) it causes havoc in your own system and can damage your liver.  The better your connection with Goddess within yourself, the less likely you are to get lost in being Goddess in them.

  Entanglements can be hard to surrender, especially if the owner wont let go their end. Goddess wont take stolen property but She will redeliver it. "Goddess please take this and give it back to whomever it belongs to, in what ever way, shape, form or time as You know best. Thank you."  Icon gig again eh? Another form of the same redirect, She has it handled. 

  It is rocket fuel to spiritual growth, and will empower your self esteem in ways you never imagined... but rockets are sometimes known to blow up. It is an intense and bumpy road, rewarding and hazardous. An education in human nature, and especially power dynamics that you just cant learn anywhere else. At this point its telephone work but I think it will call to your heart in a way to make you long for the lifestyle too.   

  I don't actually believe sub women exist btw. All I have met are very invested in getting their own way, spank them just the way they like it or watch out!  Ancient mystery for men: what do women really want? Answer is so simple: to get her own way.

Thank you Mystress for your thoughtful response.

It is so healing to me, being a PSO. I have to say that it really pleases my
Succubus side  LOL!

Ultimately, I want to help customers transmute energy.

I am very attracted to  Hinduism and Goddess worship, particularly the Dasha Mahavidyas.
About three months ago, I became obsessed with Kamakhya Devi. Her name means, "She whose
name is desire." The idea, which I'm sure you already know, is that all desires lead us to our true
selves, to the void where all is created and where all returns after it dies. Following bliss is two fold
in that, after fulfilling one after the other, one realizes that begin to fill empty and are inspired to cultivate
deeper desires. The deepest, most sacred desire to know Goddess. Desire as a function, is the most
powerful energy in my mind. It drives us to take action. I discovered that Kamamkhya is a form of Shodashi
Devi, my Ishta Devata based on Jyotish astrology, and I tackle this work as a form of worship to this
aspect of Ma.

I am very interested in incorporating Tantra into my phone sex work. I feel it is a perfect fit. I also
feel that most times the deep craving for sex we experience is a longing for a deeper level of
fulfillment which connection to sexual energy itself can provide. Cultivating a personal relationship to our sexual energy is very important.  It can lead us to the realization of the totality of ourselves.

I am looking forward to working with you on a deeper level before the year is out.

I putting together a financial plan to submit to Goddess for assistance on my path.

Thanks again for your response. I utilize the advice you shared.
our true selves and I want to help others discover this place.