Hello, it is my first time posting here.

I have a question on how I can deal with negative projections in a conflict situation.  Within my family there is a longstanding conflict between two parties.  Each party has very negative image about the other.  The difficult thing is that these two parties are very close to me and I cannot just sever connection with one or the other of the parties.  A contact between the two parties brings me into a precarious situation, taking conflicting projection from both sides and amplifying it in a negative way that usually results in a big fight. 

So many times have I tried to stay grounded during the time of conflict but I always get ungrounded.  The negative images have become really powerful. 

After reading about Matriarchy, projection and surrender and articles on k-teacher page, I think that from my part, it is a shadow issue that I continue to fail to own.  It seems that in the end, the conflict has a source in my failure to stand up to the outstanding issue at a certain crucial time during which I instead go out of body and tone out.   I wonder that if the outstanding issue had bean dealt with earlier...even if it means it will cause some conflict to flare out...big conflict would have been prevented.   However, so far I have been a coward and I could not face it... but I wonder if there is really no other way than to face it in this type of case.

In any case, I would appreciate any insight regarding how to protect oneself from being swept into negative projections and how to deal with shadow issue in the way so that one can own it in the end.

Thank you for reading.

Blessings.

Hi,

my advice to you somehow turned to comments on projection and karma, hopefully you find some usefull tips.
Projection is simply perception of the world that is velield by our old pain, reactive emotions and beliefs. By the co-present inability to recognize our pain and beliefs as such.
This adds a layer over the situation removing much clarity, adding feelings of powerlessness, victimhood and increased judment over external situations and excessive focus on resolving, changing external situation as we feel that is the only way we can feel better. The need to control things. It brings conflict within us as internaly we also know or at least suspect that our attempts at changing situations and others are ultimately doomed to fail and produce more karma. Or if in one situation they work over long time they are producing feelings of threat and anxiety and the needing of control that is unsuatainable emotionaly, energeticaly and physicaly. Its a selfish way to force out or expect others to change only for a reason that I cant deal with my old pain and expectations.

Ofcourse change is possible but lasting good improovement realy cant be produced form actions lacking wisdom. All actions that we do will udeniably carry the marks of emotinal state that they were produced from and the lack of wisdom that came with it. Then we wonder how is that we are constatly seeing same problems to pop up again and again in new forms. So spiritualy more important than to do or not to do, becomes a question of doing with quality, from the best posible wisdom and love we can achieve. That doing can free us and be realy helpful. Doing otherwise is likely just a recycling of old pain into new form and reinforcing old views. So when imersed into mind we just do as our karma directs us and are unable to realy chose action beyond it.

Projection is stoped by owning our own pain and taking responsibility for our lives and for our inner content of feelings and beliefs. And understanding that our desires to control of others often dont bring much good. And we hardly realy can control others or the world.
And that is leading us ultimately to giving the space to others to have responsibility for themselves and learn. Others need to learn that too and they are at it already, everyone is, if their way of learning it and seeking happinies is not as of yet too efficient. Pain is a wonderfull teacher, very powerfull and very patient with slow learners so in a way if one desires to protect others from pain then often one would protect them from learning and evolving as well.

Sometimes one can become a unwilling assistant to that teacher, to someone by beeing a mirror and unfortunaly co-creating some pain. And among family we are the very best mirrors to each other as we share much of common trauma and karma and beliefs about us, others and the world. If we could get it all a bit faster we coul avoid of so much suffering and pain lessons that are repeated endlesly. If there is trauma and one learns that is good, but if there is trauma and nothing is learned because of projections and looking on wrong places than that is sad.
For the time beeing one is still responsible for ones own feelings and ones own reactions and one can go as the example. For if we are unable to get it ourselves and show fruits of it then we are not qualified to inspire that realization in others.

So if you say situation x had made me feel y. That points to a karma and maybe to judments that were oposed by the reality. In my opinion that is not a projection yet.
But the belief that situation x makes you feel y independent of what is inside of you can be called projection or a key base of them. Adding then victim feelings,  powerless feeling, feeling threathened by other, need to control and fear of not beeing able to control and so on. Mooving you to focus exclusively on outside situation and others rather then inside, wanting to change outside, because you would see it as the only way for bad feelings and confusion inside of you to cease.

Old pain and projections toward others are removed by wisdom and letting them go, wisdom of recognizing their internal nature, their ulitmate unsustainability and vastly excessive negative efect for us and others.
Others can discover it as well, maybe not now as they cannot help it as their conciusness is so imersed into mind that they have to project in order to learn. And to be an assistance to them other then a mirror is to get bit of wisdom and live it.

Methods here offered are the whole FST course and surrender in grounded state especialy.
There are some techniques that one could use to ease some situations. But one has to very conscious of using them so they dont turtn into another escape or resistance strategy. So solid understanding is crucial.

Love,
Duu

Dear Duu,

Thank you for your insightful comments.  It brought me much things for me to reflect on.

Quote from: Duu on Dec 16, 2014, 04:08:47 AM
This adds a layer over the situation removing much clarity, adding feelings of powerlessness, victimhood and increased judment over external situations and excessive focus on resolving, changing external situation as we feel that is the only way we can feel better.

There is a lot of these, both on my part and on both sides.   I think a healthy dose of confidence and lightness of being has been missing since several incidents of losses has hit me personally and the family level (departing from the west where I grew up to an adult and coming back to my birth country facing whole different mindset and cultural issues, death of a family member etc.).   This colors everything I encounter, my world mirrors back my ambivalence and out-of-placeness.

I believe that there were a whole lot of griefs to process after those losses.  I think these griefs did not get processed properly and instead got turned into holding onto ideas of martyrdom, attachment to old memory and externally projecting these griefs in a form of anger.

The need to control on the part of both parties I think is primarily attachment to traditional family values (paternal values with repressed feminine) which had given us harmony in the past, but no longer do so in a new family situation (the parties in conflict consists solely of females and I stand as the male whom both party, in some way or another, wants to hold as one who plays a good son, a good husband or good father, and yet I cannot simultaneously fill those roles and the role that each party expect is in conflict with each other).  Somehow, I think, I said yes, mindlessly, to these roles when coming back to this society without knowing what they entail, and now saying "no" to these roles means, to them, a breech in contract.

Letting go of those family values is threatening because this means letting go of the status quo and habitual co-dependence that has been tenaciously held for a long time and considered essential for their survival.  On the surface, these values are held-to tightly.  But, I believe that, unconsciously, we have some sense that it is not working out and letting go is necessary.

Quote from: Duu on Dec 16, 2014, 04:08:47 AMSo spiritualy more important than to do or not to do, becomes a question of doing with quality, from the best posible wisdom and love we can achieve.

Yes, I think this is what I continually miss due to my own issue.  Much clarity is lost due simply to handling the situation unskillfully.  In fact, just yesterday I had a situation that came out that I had this mood...again triggered by that losses mentioned above...I was not acting it out I thought, but family members are sensitive to my emotional state and it is really as if I had acted that emotion out.  Grounding has helped me much in this area though, my action as well as action of the others do not seem as pokey as before.

Also, as you say, generally if I act from love, I know that things are better.  On that level, my inability to do so seems to come from lack of trust in regards to the world.  I have been blaming the world for much of the suffering it has brought me.  Only recently, I am a little inclined toward seeing these pains as a teacher as you say... rather than blame.   

Quote from: Duu on Dec 16, 2014, 04:08:47 AM
Methods here offered are the whole FST course and surrender in grounded state especialy.There are some techniques that one could use to ease some situations. But one has to very conscious of using them so they dont turtn into another escape or resistance strategy. So solid understanding is crucial.

Love,
Duu

I am still in the early lessons but I am thankful that Goddess has brought me to Mystress and FST..  Matriarchal focus gives me a new perspective on my family situation (although this is not comfortable from a view point of the paternal culture on the surface), while refocusing on positive musculine aspect too (which I seem to be lacking somewhat).  Also, since getting in touch with k-teacher site and starting this FST course, new incidents and new people have been coming into my life who may give us a new perspective.

Thank you.

Blessings.