Hi.

I am now on the topic of finding your divine beloved. I am a (still) heterosexual woman and I am pretty sure my subconscious/divine beloved is a woman too. She is always changing but the first time I met her in 2009 (before my kundalini awakening I am pretty sure about that), she was a kind of a nature/river goddess (well I didn't actually see her, but she spoke to me and taught me that I had a protective sphere around me and she helped me a lot). This kind of thing never happened to me before, this time only after having stayed awake most of the night crying in desperation for something I didn't know what it was.

Then I saw her eyes when praying in a temple the day after my K was awakened ca 10 months later in India (this was 2010). For many months I could see her eyes every time I closed mine.  I was practising yoga fervently at the time but she slipped away from me, I felt I was loosing something important but I couldn't stop it. Then the day after the lesson about a week ago I smoked some grass and I had an amazing experinence of that beautiful, ever changing, sexy dancing lady, so much more powerful than I, and I surrendered to her and she filled me up. I was whole and anxiety free for like 24 amazing hours but then lost her again. (I am almost never whole, usually really nervous and feeling small). But since she is a woman it is kind of hard to connect sexually and I am confused. I feel I would rather BE her and then have sex with myself or someone else as her. Still it is probably also my defences that are stopping me.

I am having a hard time right now all though things are looking ok, it's just hard to keep going. I am one of those week people pleasers allthough I have been able too stand up for what I care about most in the past I feel like I can't even do that any more. I feel I am totally controlled by my husband by now, I have been trying to use that to surrender and it is working, I am finding out more and more about my passive-aggressive sabotaging ways and letting go of anger even if it is "justifiable" in my mind, letting the ego go. But I don't know if it is ok to let my husband treat me this way, if I will become to weak. He is very controlling and has rages sometimes, although much less now that I am doing more that he wants (but not everything, he would have a fit if he knew I was even on this website right now  (He is also right by the way, you would have a fit to if you were married to me, belive me). I am so full of social anxiety right now (have been phobic since childhood), I am starting a new job in 10 days and I don't want to be like this then.

I  did a Tarot reading on myself (which I haven't done in years) which was hopeful. The question asked was " is this the right path, am I doing the right thing with my surrender to my husband?" Answer: I was the Moon (the unconscious), the past was struggle (five of Wands), the future was abundance/my happy husband (king of Cups), the reason behind the question was my undoing (ten of Wands), and the possibilities were freedom (four of Wands).

I want to make this possibility true,  maybe I need some "soul retrieval" or something. Or is it enough just to stay the course? By the way, I had a hard time with the heart voice, could connect once after 20 minutes of concentration, felt really good but could never concentrate that hard again. Now I seem to be hearing it but I don't know if I am just kidding myself.

Please help me if you think I need help. Or maybe this is just a hard phase, you did say it would be hard 

Vinka

PS. Look at me, speaking about sex to total strangers on the internet, so fun  LOL

Dear Vinka,
Namaste.
Let me begin by saying... It takes a lot of courage to do share what you have shared here. Kudos to you for being brave and taking action. A little bit of context here. If there is one label that I am comfortable associating with, then it is that of being a feminist. I don't think it is an accident that my spiritual path is matriarchal. As an academic, my area of focus is gender and sexuality. This again is no coincidence. The reason I am raising this here is not to flash my credentials but to let you know where I am coming from so that you have a better context to make sense of what I have written here. This still is an opinion and am sharing it here in the hope that it helps you.

1) Regarding the Beloved. Remember this. All said and done, That which is within each of us, guiding, protecting, nourishing, and evolving goes beyond all labels. How we experience That is indicative of where we need to grow. Ask yourself what exactly about That experience makes you feel uncomfortable. You may not have a direct answer. But even acknowledging the fact that there is some fear, is a step in the right direction. Then all you need to do is, ask Her. 'Here Ma. This is my fear. I have surrendered it to You now. Do as you see fit.' Be patient with yourself. Sexual identities tend to run deep and complex. Our society has not made it any easier. The amount of cultural debris is truly astounding when it comes to matters of sex. And esp. with K, sex moves beyond genitals and the intellect. Hard to put it in words. So many have written about 'union with the Beloved'. My suggestion is this. Don't try to make it into a thing. The whole point is to drop identities. So don't invest too much into 'what does this make me?' All it makes you is You. Ego can live only with identities. It is designed to be so. We don't need to condemn it. It is just doing its duty. And in this path, as the inner fire burns more and more, identities will drop on their own. This can be very painful. We cherish certain identities more than others. For example, the identity of a spiritual seeker was one I held very close. When it was time to let that go, I identified strongly with my ego and was miserable for several months. The more you fight, the harder it is. Trust Her. Your mind will fight back. Doubt will tear you apart. But trust Her. Surrender to Her. Tell Her all your woes. Leave it at Her feet.

2) "I feel I am totally controlled by my husband by now"
This is very tricky. For several reasons. To begin with, what goes on between two people in a romantic relationship is very complex for anyone else to understand. That said, I would like to share my own experience here. Let me be explicitly clear here. I am not claiming that your situation is similar to mine. Or that you should do what I did. There was a point in my journey where I was so intent on searching a 'guru'. I so badly wanted to give up all control to someone else. Long story short, at every single turn, whenever I tried to do that, I was very clearly told 'No'. I failed to see that for years thinking that my guru is out there and I need to find 'him/her' and then all my problems would be solved. And then it became slowly clear. Help and guidance was available whenever I requested. It came in the form of birds, babies, leaves, and rain. I was so fixed on the idea of what my guru should be and look like that I missed the most obvious. She gave me exactly what I needed. This is NOT everyone's path. My ego wanted a guru in a specific form - one which it can understand and control. At that time, I felt miserable and even angry at Her. 'What kind of Goddess are You? I am crying here to help me out and You refuse to answer me.' The more we prolong identifying with the ego, the more the pain. This is my own experience.
The lesson was repeated in varying doses till I got the point through my vain thick head. Her heart can be as tough as a diamond and as kind as melting wax at the same time. She is the cosmic provider. Trust Her.
I have heard of some couples who enter into very specific power roles. I know of one. They explicitly have a master/slave relationship. And they have stated that it is a very loving and fulfilling relationship for both of them on all levels - physical, mental, and spiritual. I do not have experience in this. So I cannot comment on it. There are two things that these couples insist.
a) The roles are mutually agreed upon.
b) Both their needs get met. As someone who used to identify as a 'giver', I can relate to the satisfaction that comes in putting someone else's needs first. But the need to serve is still a need. One that must be honored, fulfilled, and respected by the other.
I will stop talking about this since I feel like I am not qualified to comment on this further. When this comes to Mystress' attention, she might have more useful insights for you than I do.

I will leave you with this, sister.
She is with you. Always. Even though it may not feel like it most of the times. Do not rely on specific forms or ideas. Do not get hooked to ideas of how She should appear to you or speak to you. What is there in manifested existence that is not Her? All we need to do is turn to Her. Open to Her. Show Her the depths of your vulnerability. Leave it at Her feet.

Big hugs to you for being so brave.

Much love,
Gopi

 

  Let things rest for a week, and the next lesson answers most of your questions eh? Goddess provides.

  I am not sure if what you describe is your DB, or a patron Goddess. The patron Goddess seems benign, but always remember to test visitors by sending them into the light. If they come back and enjoyed the trip they are usually ok. Sometimes these archetypal old Gods and Goddess show up to help us out. 

  I sense your DB as male more deeply hidden, at least part because of your submission to your husband. If you are making your husband be God for you then the DB respects your free will and steps back.  Does not mean it is not active- it is and always has been.

  I think the power of women to manipulate men is massively underestimated especially by women who do not know how, and male egos in denial of it. I think Goddess set it up to be like that, male ego and womens' social consciousness gene.  I could write a book for women on how to manage men, and actually started to, once. I have some very sexist opinions about it lol! Unfashionable ideas.

   For sure the world is filled with women who give men what they want because its easier than dealing with the raging of a adult sized child. Legally she has to, in some places.  Free Will is Goddess law and passive aggression comes when the ego feels it cannot say no and so shadow steps in protective, to sabotage the yes. Always better for that stuff to become conscious and being in a challenging relationship brings it all out.

  I don't actually believe in female submission, I think female receptivity is not passive, it is as devouring as Goddess Kali. The women I have met who identify submissive, you better spank them just the way they like it or watch out...they retaliate with enough drama and passive aggression enough to wear anybody out.   

  If you are intent on improving your relationship through submission, I  am going to recommend a book to you:
  http://www.amazon.com/What-Really-Works-With-Men/dp/0446515736

   You can see the amazon reviews for it are very polarized,  but I think you would find it an eye opening read. For sure I don't agree with all the author's ideas but he is right on some key issues... and wrong on some others. As a manual for a submissive woman on how to get her hub wrapped around her little finger and happy as a clam,  while never appearing to be in control,  its genius.

  You are here to work on you. Grounding will help some with the anxiety issues, nutrition is tremendously important support for stress. Calcium, magnesium, B vitamins, flax seed oil and a good source of minerals like kelp or molasses. Increase your intake with supplements, you will feel better and get grounded more easily.  Grounding is essential, to hearing the heart.

  Internal support is important too... some of the emotional symptoms you describe are of soul loss, start practicing the soul meditation on K teacher and it will help you get a stronger internal sense of direction in your life.

http://kundalini-teacher.com/meditations/soul.php

  There is hazard in trying too hard to summon the Divine Beloved, the mind can be inventive and other beings may answer the call. Test what comes, send all into the Light.

   I have always thought this chapter from "the Little Prince" most beautifully describes the way to approach the Beloved... like taming a wild thing, you wait in stillness, patient and receptive until It comes to you.

http://www.epubbud.com/read.php?g=LC256NHK&p=23

  Waves of goosebumps as I reread the chapter, the source of that essential quote about the eyes of the heart, discernment:

  It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.

Thank you, thank you dear Gopi and Mystress. I wrote a long reply but it was lost so I just thank you from the bottom of my heart. I waited so long to come back and read because I was so afraid to be rejected and ignored but you have lifted a load from my heart. I saw my divine beloved as a man today. I don't want to be submissive to anyone but Godess. Love, Vinka.

 
  Sorry to hear your longer response is lost- frustrating and its happened to me more than once and not just here.  The host moved my account to a new server some months ago and they really made a mess of it, I am still findin stuff they broke. 

  These days I usually write responses in a text editor then paste them.
     Glad you feel better!