Hello.

I think I don't understand around 70% of the lessons in fst.Not mentioning the fact that my memory doesn't function well these days and forget lots of things I read.

How can I fix this? can a tummo initiation help me to understand these lessons properly? Honestly after years of swimming in these kinds of information I don't still understand or discern what is best for me.And I don't like trial and error much.

 
How many lessons have you done, spectrum? You only signed up last month, you should be on lesson 4. If you try to go faster you won't get it.

  It sounds like you are having problems with energy overload. For the next week, 3x a day I want you to crouch down and press your hands to the floor or the ground for a few moments, and imagine/ask that any excess energy flows out your hands back to the earth.

  Tummo won't miraculously give you a better memory. Practice dumping overload 3x a day for 3 minutes for one week, let us know how it goes. 

Around one week after my registeration I started with lesson 4. I read that one. Then jumped to lesson 6 and 7 and quickly jumped to 8. Due to their simillarity to grounding web page on free kundalini-teacher.com. After reading lesson 8 .I jumped to lesson 3.Around those days I jumped to lesson 5.Found it heavy specially with the speed I was reading it. and then took a look at lesson 1. then a few nights ago I did lesson 1.And went to the next. and then half of the third one.jumping so much. knagaroo.   

ok. how much important is the position? I have obsession. I don't properly get what exact position you told me to do by saying "crouching down".ground = Bare earth? soil? and what is floor in this case?

my body suddenly warmed up quickly reading your reply.what is the reason of that?

Jahed.

I touched the floor of my apartment three times yesterday. doing the imagination and saying it to make the magic stronger.

I type some of my thaughts too. Since I don't know what exactly I have to say.Mentally my mind is very busy.Lots of thaughts come and pass. And I swim and play in them. Sometimes fighting witht them and other actions upon my thaughts.

first time: I don't remember what thaughts passed.But I was about to do it 1 minutes looked at clock and started. Then I again went in my thaughts and when i came out of my thaughts I looked at clock and 3 minutes was passed. The time that I gusses is the right amount of time while I was reading your post. I thaught for three minutes is right. And system did it automatically three minutes. interesting.

second time: thaughts of the floor rotating like I was attached to the ceiling.and feeling all the tiles of the floor of the
apartment connected together and I am attached to the big interconncted tiles. for some moments feeling of a little warm
and tingling on my palms a few seconds after I tried to imagine that excess energy is going out through my hands.

third time: in the afternoon before sleeping. again feeling a little warm and a little tingling in my hands.

I slept and saw a dream. That as always wasn't lucid. And I remember only some of the last part of it. Cars were in a heavy traffic and I was a police.The boss of a group of polices.Going together in the traffic.And while I was still the boss police.I said in my police walkie talkie that police number 49 is not together with other members of black police cars in the traffic.And is lost and left behind.Then the camera was looking behind in the middle of the cars.And I was still the boss.I saw the black police car of police number 49 in a street here called four garden street.He was looking in order to hit girls in the street.Then I (the boss) went to do some other actions and I woke up.

As usual I did some dream interpretion on it from many different points of view.I remember I did some chuckling as well. Some of these dreams are funny. .

Then later I read mystress post and noticed the word "press" and thaught with myself that I have to make some pressure on my hands as well.And since she said Day perhaps I have to do it in day not night.all the three times.

I didn't notice any other changes or happening so far yesterday. my busy mind and changing emotional and mental states was like before.

But at night when I was sleep I had another normal experience (para normal experience they are typically called).or Perhaps wasn't normal really. I don't know.It was new and not much like the previous ones. I can't describe it well by english . Not much well even with my native language.It was like a kind of strong and powerfull magnetic force having a kind of sharp hummm sound like the sound of a big heavy motor rotating with very smooth and hard iron axis.The force was pressing my head very heavily .its force wasn't constant.and changing. I was in a kind of special trance. I had my typical thaughts on going in my back ground and at the same time a movie was also being played.not much lucid.I got afraid. I got afraid of many things while in that mode. one fear was that "what if the amount of this force is dependant on my amount of my silence and intensity of my trance and being under my control.and what if I make it too much and it break my skull". "what is this force?". "I don't still have information and not prepared for anything"."what if I broke some sort of spiritual rule and this is in fact a punishment. (patriarchy way of thinking is available there in that mode. he he. )". at the same time some sort of periodic movement was in my ears like there was sort of wind in them. I was sleeping on my right side.I finally came out of trance. Scared.the clock was around 4 or 5 am I guess.I thaught perhaps it was a form of healing. I touched the right side of my skull behind my ears where the force had some concentration. And noticed my bone that anomaly got bigger there seems smaller. since I can't messure the anomaly in my bone behind my ear I am not still sure if it become bigger or smaller. but seems it got smaller. Did lots of thinking to find out what it was and why and as usuall I got to the point of "I don't know". And went back in sleep. this time lots of dreams.my brother and his wife.and lots of stories. and around 7 or 8 am before I woke up I saw dreams about a woman.Sexual dream. . DB? and wasn't lucid and not under my control. interesting.

Then I woke up and started working on my plan yesterday.To go and find bare earth to perform my one sessions of my 3x touching the floor with the self invented way of optimizing it. optimizing it by touching the soil instead of the floor of apartment. went near a mountain. And started going up that mountain.It became like a heavy work out for me. I automatically did big exercise. Up there I found some where took of my shoes and put my hands on the floor and started.But a ant apeared. it was moving fast.it was a big ant. since with one of my experiences in the past with this type of ant.I knew that they can bite badly. it was moving fast. and got closer to my hands on the ground. I got scared and picked up my hands.I thaught about killing it. But I looked around and saw that there are many of them. thinking about a way and my mind full of the stories of ascetic having usefull sidhis of animals not bothering them.and such things. I thaught perhaps if I don't do anything the ant will just walk on my hands. started again. And again one came closer. I thaught these insects probably sense something about my hand and practice. its movement was somewhat a little bit different. or perhaps another stray thaught. but it went on my hand.And bited.before the bite became stronger I throw it away. So my head filled with thaughts of these ants actually looking for food. and perhaps the smell of my hand was like food for it.and such things.My optimization got ruined.

on the way back home I found another place to do my practice. When came back from this long journey I noticed that because of the heavy work out of going up the mountain I again notice the fact that after such heavy work outs I feel the smells and tastes of foods better. Interesting.

later this afternoon I noticed I feel a little bit warm on my palms when I concentrate there. The second time I did on the apartment floor tiles. And felt some little warm some moments. and did the imagination.

quite a long post.Is that ok?I actually droped the dream I saw after the para normal or normal experience of last night and the dream I had when sleeping this afternoon.

Jahed.

Day2:

day 2.Not much more in day 2. I spent it on overeating and then later eating junk food. Which felt bad. I did the other touching the floors on the floor of the apartment I am in. 3 minutes each. at night I had some dreams. the interpretion I put on the first one was that I picked up karma from 2 more persons. As I mentioned I usually put so many interpretions from so many points of views on each dream.Each vague and not lucid dream I consider not reliable enough to put an interpreation on. But I still try to interpret these not obvious ones. Because these are the only things I've got for now.And you know even some little things in the darkness can be really something after all.It's all you've got.In our language there is a saying. That something is better than nothing. and you know in some situations this saying holds true.so my not lucid dream can be a little seedy light.thus if it's light it can become usefull in the darkness.although such a seedy light may or may not fix any problem you may have while in darkness.

So I interpret. But about this dream I picked up the interpretion of picking up karma from two more person as a better candidate as a more correct interpreation. why? Because the interpreation was together with the dream while it was being played back.kind of way that right after you wake up you know the interpreation fully out of the box.But I didn't trust that interpreation 100% sure. Because I think it could be my daily mind that was working while I was seeing that dream. It happened to me in the past. I mean while you are being in sleep having  a mind that thinks the same way as the mind that you use when you are awake.Awake!. So I thaught what if the interpretion was my waking mind available there in sleep trance while I was dreaming.So the interpretion could be from such a mind.And still not 100% reliable.

Then I got sad about the interpretion of that dream.Quite bad news to get at night.While you struggle for life and even a better high quality life by learning magic and  becoming kundalini awakaned.Having diseases.Lack of money. No sidhi. Not even seeing one inch of aura apart from the famous interpreting it. And then in the middle of that much real misery your little light in the darkness comes and say you have picked up karma from two more persons. Not interesting at all. : the smiley that lauphs and chuckles).

I then drank a few glass of water and came back to sleep. The next dream also contained bad news. I put some other interpretation after I woke up. And more water and I came back to sleep. Then I saw another dream. That one seemed important .But I didn't remember it correctly when I woke up.So I couldn't put any complete interpreation on it at all.

I got seasick reading your posts, there was so much un balance throughout.  Mystress has said it countless times take it one per week.

Ok.

my day 3 became so huge. which finally brought me to the right question.

Quotelet us know how it goes.

right question: What kind of information should I let you know?

And something else:

my problem is not just about memory.One of my main problems is that I feel that I don't get what the writer really wanted to say.Both free website and fire serpent tantra articles.At first I thaught grounding can fix that.Then I thaught perhaps tummo can fix that.So I decided to try asking for help by the use of asking questions.How do I fix this problem of misunderstanding and not understanding them?

Based on my experiences in the past I don't get the impression that putting the speed on one lesson per week will fix it.By my current state of being I think even one lesson per week is still overloading for me.

Hi Jahed,

Studying too fast will make you confused and overloaded. The pages and even forum posts can give out strong energy. Overload is a quite serious state that must be attended to with utmost priority. And you have to stop or very slowdown on your study and energy exercises until the state is remedied. My recommendation would be to start the study from the beginning and really slow. Start by reading the introduction to the course. In fact you cant take it way slower that a lesson per week there is no rush.

Details of how to drop overload are not as important as the fact that the exercise goal has been reached. It is sort of relaxation exercise so it is not a high science. But when you are not feeling relaxed, calmer, clearer headed after. Then you are not doing it ideally and you better redoit or do it again later.

When the goals of the exercise is not met one cant consider it to be done.
So far exercise goal have not been reached.  So you know, you dont need not be psychic to feel energy agitation, nervousness, tension in your own body, foggy thinking or racing thoughts. Do you feel some of this?
So feel free to do given exercise as many times or as long in time until you meet your goal.
The advice was to “drop the overload”  so follow it and you surely have our blessing for success.

We all are glad to advise, but overload must be calmed first or it interfears with undestanding.

Love,
Duu

Quote from: ASpectrum on Jul 13, 2012, 12:35:27 AM
Around one week after my registeration I started with lesson 4. I read that one. Then jumped to lesson 6 and 7 and quickly jumped to 8. Due to their simillarity to grounding web page on free kundalini-teacher.com. After reading lesson 8 .I jumped to lesson 3.Around those days I jumped to lesson 5.Found it heavy specially with the speed I was reading it. and then took a look at lesson 1. then a few nights ago I did lesson 1.And went to the next. and then half of the third one.jumping so much. knagaroo.   

ok. how much important is the position? I have obsession. I don't properly get what exact position you told me to do by saying "crouching down".ground = Bare earth? soil? and what is floor in this case?

my body suddenly warmed up quickly reading your reply.what is the reason of that?

Jahed.

Some people like to send excess energy out their feet, doesn't work well for awakened people because kundalini is upward energy flow, so we put hands on the earth and send energy out the hands without disturbing the natural k flow up the spine. Keeping your feet flat on the ground is ideal or or on toes when squatting. Pressing hands palm down to the floor you release excess into the earth through hands without going against k flow. Pressing is just part of the intention of sending the energy into the earth.  Since it works with intention it does not matter if you are on bare earth, 10 stories up or in an airplane so long as your focus is on giving the energy back to the mother earth.

  The text is where the similarity to the public pages ends. The energy is considerably different, way more powerful. Jumping around like that you will get overloaded because on the way to lesson 8 you opened the energy of all the pages that went before. Twice as many as scheduled.

  The heat is my tummo fire, it followed the energy of my attention.

second time: thaughts of the floor rotating like I was attached to the ceiling.and feeling all the tiles of the floor of the
apartment connected together and I am attached to the big interconncted tiles. for some moments feeling of a little warm
and tingling on my palms a few seconds after I tried to imagine that excess energy is going out through my hands.

  Oh that is kind of funny... and surprising. You sent the energy into the floor instead of intending it to go deep into the earth and you experienced unity with the floor.  What it is like to be tiles and wood. I do that for fun sometimes.   Not many people can melt their personal boundaries into the inanimate so readily or accidentally which kind of validates the feeling I have about you. You do not seem to have anything resembling normal ego boundaries.

  This karma stuff we talk about clearing, its really like personality fragments made of energy bits. Thoughts feelings memories of who we think we are. Somebody with good energy and weak boundaries ends up taking on a lot of these energy fragments from other people, like picking up lint.

   I don't think the chaotic noise of thought in your head is your own, I think its all the fragments of other peoples thoughts and feelings that ended up in super sensitive you and they make noise going round and round your head trying to find the way out. That stuff isn't you, you are what watches and laughs.

  I think your being able to relax and watch them and laugh has kept you sane. It is very zen actually... keep doing it, as a method of surrender that you understand.   

third time: in the afternoon before sleeping. again feeling a little warm and a little tingling in my hands.

I slept and saw a dream. That as always wasn't lucid. And I remember only some of the last part of it. Cars were in a heavy traffic and I was a police.The boss of a group of polices.Going together in the traffic.And while I was still the boss police.I said in my police walkie talkie that police number 49 is not together with other members of black police cars in the traffic.And is lost and left behind.Then the camera was looking behind in the middle of the cars.And I was still the boss.I saw the black police car of police number 49 in a street here called four garden street.He was looking in order to hit girls in the street.Then I (the boss) went to do some other actions and I woke up.

  yes, same thing. noise of traffic in your head and you trying to direct it all.

As usual I did some dream interpretion on it from many different points of view.I remember I did some chuckling as well. Some of these dreams are funny. Cheesy.

Then later I read mystress post and noticed the word "press" and thaught with myself that I have to make some pressure on my hands as well.And since she said Day perhaps I have to do it in day not night.all the three times.

  Hmm. I see I shall have to speak very carefully with you, you take things extremely literally in a way that makes me curious about your head. Day for me is 24 hours, you can dump overload any time, day or night,  anywhere. Just imagine sending it into the earth to become composted, sink it down a few miles. Its about what you imagine as much as the pose you take.

I didn't notice any other changes or happening so far yesterday. my busy mind and changing emotional and mental states was like before.

  Fragments of karma noise. Bits and pieces of peoples emotions and thoughts flickering through your head. That stuff is not you, who you are is what we find underneath it all when we clean it out. I understand your stuck place, brain is too fuzzy to understand the information that would help you clear yourself so you get some extra assistance.

But at night when I was sleep I had another normal experience (para normal experience they are typically called).or Perhaps wasn't normal really. I don't know.It was new and not much like the previous ones. I can't describe it well by english . Not much well even with my native language.It was like a kind of strong and powerfull magnetic force having a kind of sharp hummm sound like the sound of a big heavy motor rotating with very smooth and hard iron axis.The force was pressing my head very heavily .its force wasn't constant.and changing. I was in a kind of special trance. I had my typical thaughts on going in my back ground and at the same time a movie was also being played.not much lucid.I got afraid. I got afraid of many things while in that mode. one fear was that "what if the amount of this force is dependant on my amount of my silence and intensity of my trance and being under my control.and what if I make it too much and it break my skull". "what is this force?". "I don't still have information and not prepared for anything"."what if I broke some sort of spiritual rule and this is in fact a punishment. Cheesy (patriarchy way of thinking is available there in that mode. he he. Cheesy)". at the same time some sort of periodic movement was in my ears like there was sort of wind in them. I was sleeping on my right side.I finally came out of trance. Scared.the clock was around 4 or 5 am I guess.I thaught perhaps it was a form of healing. I touched the right side of my skull behind my ears where the force had some concentration. And noticed my bone that anomaly got bigger there seems smaller. since I can't measure the anomaly in my bone behind my ear I am not still sure if it become bigger or smaller. but seems it got smaller. Did lots of thinking to find out what it was and why and as usual I got to the point of "I don't know".

  Well, I can tell you... I was working on a response to your second post and tuning into your head,  sorting out what was up with you to find out what to write. It happened that you and dreamwalker were both asleep. I went to sleep with the post still unfinished and unsent. 

  The next day he had a bit of fuzzy brain at work and thought that fuzz looked kind of familiar, he didn't remember anything but his guide confirmed it was some leftover processing from healing work he did on you while dream walking.

  he did not know he had done any work on you and I had forgotten my stray thoughts while writing the day before. I often forget things done in trance states unless I need to remember.  We blew the dust off him easily, and I asked my guide to retrieve some memories.
 
   Yeah I called his dream self in and we both worked on you, it was fun. The bone adjustment thing is more his style... he works on my chronic back pain every day, bit of a long story but he ended up inheriting some of mari's bonesetter lineage abilities.

  Having a bump or bulge on the skull behind the right ear is associated with clariaudience, the psychic ability to hear spirits. If yours is smaller now that is a good thing because you have too much... 

      The karma vacuum cleaner was really just a silly stray thought, creative energy bubbling up and playful, the karma stuff I was pulling was not your own, it was karma lint like cat hair rubbed off on your sleeve and I had silly thought of vacuuming a cat.  You know some people vacuum their cats to remove the loose hairs that end up all over?  The cats usually do not like it much...   Anything I imagine will work and I have a Bugs Bunny sense of humour so my healing visions can be quite silly and playful. Giggles make surrender easier as you discovered so its allowed. Inspired, even.

    People do not get that stuff though. My silly sense of humour is usually filtered out by the guides and the DB of those we work on, translated into something they can accept and understand, assuming they even know anything happened.

  That you might actually experience what it is like to be a cat that is getting vaccuumed did not enter my mind because that simply does not happen. I didn't even imagine you as a cat, just had the thought and kind of waved a vacuum hose around your head... was a cannister vac in my mind, the kind that has a big machine in the basement and hose outlets all over the house. Those are the best kind to use when vaccuming a cat as the motor is far away... though to a cats ears it is probably still very loud.

   That your mind could be so literal responding to that thought, even in half asleep visions makes me go hmmm... its very interesting.

   You know, most students are not anywhere near clairvoyant enough to pick up on the energy work support for their growing that happens behind the scenes of FST. 

   It is FST policy to avoid taking credit for a student's growing because it does not empower the student and the energy exchange is cleaner if Goddess gets the credit. Is all Her prompting anyway... and according to Canadian law FST is entertainment and we cannot make any medical or psychiatric claims.    The end result is we usually do not mention the many random acts of kindness three shamans and two healers might get up to, tending to the seekers.

  I am sorry that it frightened you but my sense is, the nature of the work made your experiencing some of the fear as it was being released, sort of necessary or inevitable. What you felt, and the not-lucid movies was old fear karma noise releasing from you and the feeling to just sit tight, stay tranced and try to breath through it without resisting was probably our advice to you as we worked.

  Like a dentist telling you hold still while he pulls an infected tooth. (You do not have an infected tooth!)  Healers are quite vulnerable doing this sort of work and your skull would have been just fine if you lost focus, but the your resistance would not have been good for us.   

  Anyway you can blame me for waking you up with the karma vacuum cleaner and bringing in my assistant the dreamwalker who adjusts bones.

since with one of my experiences in the past with this type of ant.I knew that they can bite badly. it was moving fast. and got closer to my hands on the ground. I got scared and picked up my hands.I thaught about killing it. But I looked around and saw that there are many of them. thinking about a way and my mind full of the stories of ascetic having usefull sidhis of animals not bothering them.and such things. I thaught perhaps if I don't do anything the ant will just walk on my hands. started again. And again one came closer. I thaught these insects probably sense something about my hand and practice. its movement was somewhat a little bit different. or perhaps another stray thaught. but it went on my hand.And bited.before the bite became stronger I throw it away. So my head filled with thaughts of these ants actually looking for food. and perhaps the smell of my hand was like food for it.and such things.My optimization got ruined.

  Well, climbing a mountain to touch bare earth is not necessary, but when you aim so much focus and attention at something you will get results. Thought, word, deed.

  I think your vision quest gave you the answer, you keep expecting all beings to respond with compassion when you are feeling fear, and it doesn't work out like that. There is a small distinction between keeping a positive attitude, and lying to yourself about how you really feel. You were afraid the ant would bite you despite efforts to be buddha and so it did. I cannot recommend meditating on top of an anthill especially if they bite.    

on the way back home I found another place to do my practice. When came back from this long journey I noticed that because of the heavy work out of going up the mountain I again notice the fact that after such heavy work outs I feel the smells and tastes of foods better. Interesting.

Excercise releases karma too. The world becomes more vibrant as the muddy energy is cleared.

later this afternoon I noticed I feel a little bit warm on my palms when I concentrate there. The second time I did on the apartment floor tiles. And felt some little warm some moments. and did the imagination.

quite a long post.Is that ok?I actually droped the dream I saw after the para normal or normal experience of last night and the dream I had when sleeping this afternoon.

Long posts are ok. Long threads are ok.  You do not have to report everything you experience.  You are in kind of a stuck place with being unable to understand the lessons well enough to clear yourself, so we will keep pulling the stuff out of you, unless you say no. 

  If I am right, then with the dumping overload and laughing at thoughts, plus our pulling out stuff that is not really you,   your head could get a lot clearer within a few weeks. 

  duu lives fairly close to you and might be able to help with the language barrier. 

nope. Things don't seem to go in the order the way i want them. To begin with i have to say that i don't have control over the mind and thaughts of this body. But it's not a zero or one situation. It's a kind of not having control that i can't prove it to anyone. The system doesn't give me (i) back the part of the land that was once leased to me. i guess it's better to say : the illusion of leasing it to me. as this body's thaughts told me. Neither it doesn't take full control. It repeatedly takes control and release it. With incredible enormous speeds. The frequency of it is faster than the speed of my (i) own mind.This body doesn't let me to stay on a schedule for studying fst lessons. 1 lesson per week. She doesn't let me to do that dump overload thing,either.By just simply keeping her mind and my mind busy on thaughts. not letting me remember doing it. Or she attacks to food frequently eating large amounts of foods causing herself and me pain and more mental confusion.

She changes mine or her own psychological state so often. Including my mental state. If tomorrow or any other day you see us sending posts with angry mad or yelling posts . Please don't attack me (i) or act in a way that it's me (i).And please don't attack this machine,either.i think if she gets damaged more then she will causes me (i) more pain. i am not the one who lauphes. in fact i don't know which one of those personalities and thaughts and emotions i am.

i have a huge amount of things to say. Lots of problems together. But the biggest one is that she doesn't protect me or perhaps it's more right to say that she attacks me. And she doesn't respond to my request to protect me or not doing it. Plus she makes it look like that it's others who perform psychic attacks on me. This one is a big story. Honestly there are times that we (i or I.i don't know which one does those more) have thaughts that may be not positive and nice (in the opinion of me (i) or me (I) or others (i es) or others (I es)). So if this is not my own body that relays the thaughts for them then how do we (i and I) learn to prevent thaughts to get relayed to them? or if not possible to prevent that, then how to protect ourselves?either the ones that are nice in the opinion of everyone. or opinion of a sub group of everyone or not nice in everyone's opinion. And if this is my own body then how do we (i and I) fix this internally?

My sleeping time dreams aren't lucid and obvious.i don't have comfortable and proper access to them.Not mentioning how difficult interpreting them is now. Because my paradigm switches so much. Plus in the middle of thaughts ,thaughts told me that they are overlapping information.

I can relate to your experience of hearing many voices and not understanding where your body begins and ends, nor where your thoughts begin and end.

You talk about your body as being something - as having a personality. You call it "she". I don't think this is correct, but I don't have the language to explain to you otherwise.

Mystress teaches that we should put our attention in our heart, and say thank you to it. To say thank you for everything.
I did that for a year pretty much constantly, sometime before I came to FST, (from the advice of Kundalini-teacher ) because I couldn't see anything outside of myself. People were lying to me or about me, - I guessed, I wasn’t sure. I put my attention in my heart because I had nowhere else to put it. It was either that or scream at these people or imaginary characters, and I didn’t have the chance to do that, and when I did it in my head, I felt guilty because I wasn’t sure if I was right in my assumptions or not.
So, I put in my attention in my heart and said thank you to Goddess whenever I had a chance. I did it a lot then and still do now. It works. Trust that it works. Trust that witholding your fear works.
In times of uncertainty, have faith in Goddess and trust that She is there with you, protecting you, and loving you. It does not seem like that, I know, sometimes, but keep trying. Have faith.

If you feel things on/in your body while your attention is in your heart, or elsewhere, understand what you feel as your Divine Beloved. I like to understand everything as my Divine Beloved. From the television I watch, to the words I read, to the things I hear, the people I meet, and the things I feel: ideally, that is how I like to understand this world and any other.

The Divine Beloved is manifestation of Goddess.

All is Love. All is Goddess.

I don't hear many voices these days, and I would suggest that getting closer to the heart is a process which goes through layers of personalities, ideas or concepts- not only of yourself, but of others. Thought forms. Maybe even nothing to do with you at all - if there is such a concept.
In passing, I'd suggest that there is no such thing as an original lie.

When I did hear the voices chattering away, I learnt to ignore them. They got so tiring. I learnt, through the process of ignoring them, to just push them away. It is possible that I still have entities in my heart, but that they are silent. I'd rather they be silent. I'm not very good with voices. Maybe I don't hear them these days because I'm getting closer to a position to tell them to go away.

Perhaps this is it:

When we are not sure of who we are, or where we stand, or what to say; when things are dark, the argument of a child could knock us down.
The kids in Britain are pretty rough, with sharp tongues. On a good day, I have a response for them. On a bad day, I don't. Maybe, while you are swimming in the sea, you don't have any defence for anything that anyone might say or think. I think that is a good thing, as it demonstrates suspension of judgement and trust, but it probably means that all sorts of critters are coming to you. They probably don’t have many other places to go. Don't worry about it.
Not judging and trusting will serve you well, Goddess willing.
One day, you'll be able to love them honestly. For now, let them pass.

http://kundalini-teacher.com/guidance/testgui.php

Most importantly, understand this:

THERE IS NO SCHEDULE. There is no law that says you have to do a lesson a week. Take it slow. One lesson a week is maximum, not the law or the minimum.

Do you understand that you do not have to do one lesson a week?

I average 1 lesson every 8 weeks.

love
Martin

Hi,

In had similar situations when I was too confused and in pain. I closed my eyes and asked what is real for me right here and now. Then I calmed down as it was not that many things that I could say as real in the moment, not of the mind. Mind is always form past or worrying about some imagined future.
I focused on my heart beat, feeling of my body, my body breathing.
And I found out that it is pleasurable and relaxing.

And in that calm one can ground easier and in that silence one can feel more what is realy there, like tensions in the body, stress, fears, karma. And one can surrender it all. Bit by bit.
Also when one sees some things that are not easy to surender one can just love them as much as one can. In your text I perceived strongly a need to separate ideas and pieces of self. But in the end that can be seen as certain defense and resistance to loving. As you might experience looser boundaries such separation might be usefull but with understanding that all parts are part of the unity. The pieces around you and in you that you judge as bad they need your love the most. We tend to separate things especially when we want to judge some of them as bad and suppress them. But the way is accepting them back into unity , that is how silence and harmony will be reached. With acceptance, with choosing love. With choosing to let go of our judgment of bad, since in truth we cant know it, we only guess based on limited data. Judgment will grow to conflict and confusion and to supression of that part of us that we dont understand, that part that needs our light and love most. That part that can enrich and evolve us the most. Especially for that reason that we dont understand it yet. But our ownership of it, our connection is true, since even suppression is a  connection.

love
Duu

Something messes with my tree.Driving me mad.

one mystery after another one. One of the many reasons I spent all these years (something around 15 or more) was and is to become more intelligent.And then indeed became a little bit more intelligent and realised that I am nothing close to intelligent in compare to many people. And now I have to solve mind puzzles harder than getting some phd.and if I don't solve that I can't get any phd at all.  Plus Now I know talking about intelligence this way is so stupid and retarded. 

Weirdo. when I do the grounding meditation , people I intract with around me go crazy.I sometimes don't feel anything much on my body.But occasionally people go crazy in streets or other places. I am a bit scared as well.

today's hollywood movie coming to my mind .One of the manyy ones. 
What if I really have some kind of power and some bad guys somehow could control my body to do things I don't want to.