Hello and thanks for reading my post. Before I get into my dilemma I would like to thank Mistress for all her hard work on this site, it has been a great source of wisdom and guidance for me.
     I have been having issues with surrendering feelings of pain and betrayal that stem from an incident that happened last summer(I know, awhile ago). Against my instincts and at the encouragement of female friends I got involved with someone who is Shakti  active, if not contagious. I of course didn't know this at the time but suspect one friend did and another ,who has known him for many years strait up lied about his character after I asked her about him( he is the worst man I have ever known, every woman's worst nightmare, abusive, cruel manipulative etc... ). The point is I feel betrayed and have been struggling with this for a long time. I have examined this situation over and over and "own" the realization that I should ALWAYS trust my intuition. So I know that to some degree I'm angry at myself  but the anger at others keeps coming back! I wont go into details about what happened, but I am not the person I was and have experienced an extreme metamorphosis in a very short period of time. So I guess my question is this...... Does the fact that this hurt and anger keeps coming back mean that Goddess is telling me it's justified to feel this way? I haven't confronted people with what happened between us because 1. he made it clear he was not above using violence  2. if I reveal what really happened between us he will call me crazy and a liar (there was a lot of psychic stuff that happened, this guy is a monster and I suspect satanic and part of a larger group)3. I am non confrontational by nature and indeed I have just isolated myself because I feel very fragile and raw right now. I am starting to not care about the consequences anymore and think I'm just going to tell people the truth and get on with my life.............

thanks and any insight or advice is greatly appreciated
Steph

don't feel qualified to give advice
you can always weigh the pro's and con's
thanks for sharing your feeling
thats a good first towards heeling
watch out though using words like allways

Love, ant

no absolutes....

Quote from: Stephanie on Feb 20, 2012, 03:23:46 PM
The point is I feel betrayed and have been struggling with this for a long time. I have examined this situation over and over and "own" the realization that I should ALWAYS trust my intuition. So I know that to some degree I'm angry at myself  but the anger at others keeps coming back! I wont go into details about what happened, but I am not the person I was and have experienced an extreme metamorphosis in a very short period of time. So I guess my question is this...... Does the fact that this hurt and anger keeps coming back mean that Goddess is telling me it's justified to feel this way?

My experience is  we create / encounter the 'hard' experiences we have, to mirror separated or broken parts of ourselves (often buried and forgotten) so they can be healed and integrated. Giving gratitude and breathing through the anger (observe the breath connecting with the anger) instead of resisting and thinking about what happened  may help with surrender. I put 'hard' in inverted commas as it is resistance to the experience (wanting something different to what is going on) that makes it hard. Surrender all to Goddess and let she heal you and the 'external' difficulty may feel a little easier too.

ok, I think I understand what you mean and in truth the surrendering is a very new thing for me. I find the concept of surrender difficult but I do trust in Goddess so I will try breathing through the anger/sadness.  I am aware of the fact that if this situation didn't happen(extreme as it was) I may well have never known what I really am, so I have much to be grateful for and will try to be more mindful of it.   
thanks 
steph

Hello Stephanie,

During the course, you will learn about the difference between Chi and Shakti - Sky and Earth -Male and Female, and I believe that an understanding of these will help you to surrender the unique experience that you describe. 

love

Martin

In passing, it may be that the chap you mention is a reader of Crowley's Book of the Law, which is, by any reckoning, a load of old crap. This might explain why you believe that he believes he is part of a larger group...maybe he suggested this himself.

Do not be afraid!

There aren't many other "satanic" groups that one could belong to apart from Thelemites, (Crowley's gang), so don't be too suspicious about your chap and what he knows. It sounds to me that he doesn't know much.

Love again,

Martin

I think you are right about him being a Crowley follower but I don't know for sure. The reason I think he is part of a wider group is because I heard someone refer to me as a "virgin" and there was another incident that was much more serious. Anyway, I'm not going to live in fear of this crap anymore...

Thanks the info Martin

I apologise for the colourful language which I used in this thread.

Such language is not appropriate for this temple, I think.

I did go to change it almost as soon as I had written it, but I was unable to edit the post. This is no excuse, as I should have thought more about what I had written before I posted.

It is unfair of me to use such language here, and it is unfair of me to mislead new members of FST into thinking such language is used in this holy temple.

Please excuse my childish tongue.

Martin

No worries Martin, I don't really know what the rules are but I'm not offended. I swear like a sailor most of the time....lol.  btw, just an update on things. I very foolishly did a meditation and simply asked Goddess to remove any block that I had(I felt many tiny implosions in my abdominal area and a wisping sensation up my spine WOW) I had A LOT of blocked anger and I'm still dealing with getting through it. I have never felt such rage/hate before and it is disturbing actually.  I am not really a spiritual person in practice and have no real skills in dealing with this sort of thing, mostly I feel like a bumbling fool. Lashed out at my friends and now I have to work on fixing things with them. I now truly understand what it means to "fall from grace"...
steph

  Plastic baseball bat, beat up on your bed or couch until you are tired.
  Kick a box around an empty parking lot until it falls to pieces.
  Look on youtube for videos of stuff blowing up, especially dead whales... and kung fu teams demolishing a house.

  Tomorrow I will ask my guy to eat your anger because he can always use a nice light snack. 

  Stop skipping ahead ok? 

Thank you Mistress for the advice, I have been mostly crying and screaming into a pillow so the neighbors cant hear but doing something more physical might better I will give it a try. I would be most grateful if your guy could help eat up some of this anger because it often feels like it is eating me. I know I need to work on surrendering more, I find it so difficult when the feeling are violent and passionate, its as thought I'm desperately attached to my emotions. A friend once said that I am addicted to the pain and emotion and there may be some truth in this. In any case, I want to be through with it because the people who hurt me are hurting too and I want to forgive and help them. Also, I apologize for skipping ahead, was curious about what was next and meant no disrespect. I promise to only view one lesson a week. Thanks again
Steph

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIlKxaEIFDk......LOL, feeling better already

I am not handling this process very well, I'm starting to fall apart. I didn't go looking for this, I think I could care less about being enlightened. I just want to feel sane and stop crying and sleeping too much. I don't understand why this happened to me! I've been told its a gift but it feels like a curse. When I look in the mirror it doesn't even look like me, my eyes look like someone else(even my friend saw that my eyes are different) it creeps me out. I'm starting to fear that I'm going to hell because of this and I've started praying for forgiveness(what for? I didn't do this intentionally)  I feel sick and want to just die. I know things now that I would have preferred to never know. I look around at all the "sleeping" people and feel jealous, they will never know what I know. I feel so alone.
sorry for whining like a big baby
steph

Quote from: Stephanie on Apr 01, 2012, 11:26:56 AM
I am not handling this process very well, I'm starting to fall apart. I didn't go looking for this, I think I could care less about being enlightened. I just want to feel sane and stop crying and sleeping too much. I don't understand why this happened to me! I've been told its a gift but it feels like a curse. When I look in the mirror it doesn't even look like me, my eyes look like someone else(even my friend saw that my eyes are different) it creeps me out. I'm starting to fear that I'm going to hell because of this and I've started praying for forgiveness(what for? I didn't do this intentionally)  I feel sick and want to just die. I know things now that I would have preferred to never know. I look around at all the "sleeping" people and feel jealous, they will never know what I know. I feel so alone.
sorry for whining like a big baby
steph

I understand what you are going through, I am in the purging process myself, it isn't all day every day like it was before.  Maybe an hour or two a day.  The worst for me was a period of immense fear,  I learned to sit with it until it started to leave.  Once I understood that everything won't magically go away on it's on (I spent a long time trying to transcend everything) acceptance took over and I was able to let go of some of the past emotions.   I'm not sure if this is what you are going through, but it always helped me to know that I was not the only one going through this.  I had the surrender section of the K site bookmarked on my phone for a while, this was always helpful. 

There is one thing I absolutely do not fear or regret and that's finding Goddess. For the first time in my life I know there is a divine force that really listens and cares! When I feel alone it mostly has to do with people but I know I'm not really alone. Bookmarking the surrender page is a good idea and I will try that. Thanks so much
steph

Well, things have changed and rather dramatically. After Mistress had her guy help me with the anger(I actually could feel loving  energy envelope me WOW thanks again!)I did feel better for about 5 days or so but the anger came back full force. It was intense, primal and my adrenal glands are still sore from it. Clearly Goddess wanted me to feel this anger. After flipping out completely in a battle royale with myself I finally let one of my friends have it (she is the one who set me up with this guy, their plan was to make me a "sex maniac" cant believe this is my life) and  immediately after that I was able to surrender to Goddess's will. My negativity has eased up tremendously and Im not crying so much anymore. After truly realizing(knowing in my heart not just my mind) that this experience was necessary for ALL parties involved not just me and that Goddess knows whats best, I feel more at peace.  Im not through this 100%. I still have an ego and feel outraged that a friend would be this mindless if not cruel but now when feelings come up and I surrender them they stay gone and I am able to ground more easily now.  This whole experience has been about me facing my shadow, gaining awareness of the spirit world and finding a life path, its a work in progress but then I guess it always will be.
Thank You Goddess!!!!

I am living a nightmare, it will never end. I found out today that the person this guy dated before me is dead. She died on the fifth of April, the cause is unknown. On the fourth, approximately 24 hours before,  I surrendered my anger to Goddess. I said in my mind to her"please take this anger, take it from me, put it where it belongs" and it was gone, could feel it leave my body just like that. I think I fucked up, I sent the energy out the wrong way and with the intent of giving back whom it belongs to, rather than sending it vertically to Goddess as a gift. I think I may have pushed this woman over the edge though not meaning to.  I actually don't know her, we have never met but I have felt a connection to her all along and wanted to reach out and befriend her. She was mentally unstable and is known for being crazy. I have had a lot of conflicted feelings and feel compassion for her and another girl who he feeds on(this guy is an energy vampire)I guess I have no way of knowing if this is coincidence but in my gut I feel guilty and sick.