Death is showing itself to me more and more. I was in a trance helped by cannabis listening to music when i began to dread and fear the beat. After awhile I had to turn off the music there was something that was causing fear and panic in me. The person I was with was speaking to me and I couldnt understand what they were saying it sounded like a completely different language but i was automatically responding to them and they seemed to understand what i was saying. At the same time this was happening I could hear a song with only words in my head they were also in a language I could not understand everything flowed together and rhymed...something made me feel that this was the song of death and something inside told me it has been sung since the beginning of life. The only thing that was constant was a voice of guidance that kept reminding me to surrender. I feared when this song was over I would die...i kept surrendering my fear, trying to let it flow thru me. I kept trying to ask goddess to take the fear from me but the thoughts only sounded like nonsense the languages i knew were gone so I could only feel the fear and pain out of my body? After some time I became aware of an emptiness as the song and my panicked and fearful reaction ended I could feel there was nothing to fear.

That night after going to bed I woke up to use the bathroom in my head big ego boy said that experience was scary and cool at the same time. Seems like shadow did not like that I turned my head and glanced in the mirror there was death in my reflection in just that second it asked if I was mocking it i turned away quickly and said no it was gone again.

It's sometimes hard to determine the reality of experience when influenced by drug. Drug use is certainly the option of the individual who has free will and no place for my judgement, but cannabis is a hallucinogen and can cause psychotic symptoms in those prone making it difficult to know what is an experience of pure consciousness and what is paranoia dancing with the illusion.

Time and time again sages and siddhas talk about the fear of death that arises before realization. It is often described as a pure terror and a feeling as if the body may actually be dying. It is often the last attachment that ego clings to, the belief that the self is the body. When one is able to surrender the body and the fear of death all that is left is consciousness and in that stillness where only consciousness (or the void to use Mystress's terminology) exists self-realization can occur. One example which stays with me is Swami Kaliuttamanda-Giri who says that she absolutely felt like she was on the verge of dying and entering oblivion and all she could say at that point was "on the altar of truth I lay myself" and with that thought self-realization occurred. Similarly, prior to writing my graduation essay for this course I had a similar experience becoming consumed with the thought and fear of death. When I surrendered and let myself go all of a sudden "I" wasn't there anymore. Absolute surrender is definitely the gem and deepest lesson Mystress shared with me in this course.

Quote from: AnandDaan on Mar 09, 2010, 09:46:20 AM
It's sometimes hard to determine the reality of experience when influenced by drug. Drug use is certainly the option of the individual who has free will and no place for my judgement, but cannabis is a hallucinogen and can cause psychotic symptoms in those prone making it difficult to know what is an experience of pure consciousness and what is paranoia dancing with the illusion.

Hi AnandDaan,
I wonder whether pure consciousness would experience anything like that...I feel like pure consciousness is 100% aware of its eternal life. Whether or not the episode was brought on by a drug wouldn't something that came up as fear be something that is coming from the subconscious and need to be surrendered anyway? Being fully aware I was under the influence was no comfort...i just had to keep surrendering the feeling, letting go was the only saving grace.

I'm not advocating the use of drugs and I thank you for your thoughts and words I just have trouble with the term "reality" when it has to do with personal experience to me reality and personal experience is one and the same...I can see how that can lead to psychosis if you dont stay grounded and have a board like this one to sound off on. Perhaps I'm losing it?

Thanks again

I'm only posting based on my journey and I don't claim to be a teacher so obviously I don't have any great answers, but I agree that along this journey having a place to "sound off" and share with others can be a great relief

I agree that anything coming up whether under the influence or not needs to be surrendered. Everything comes from the same source and, therefore, needs to be surrendered in the same way. In my process, one of the key turning points was the surrender of substance abuse. I was unable to get beyond the physical desires while using. I'm not saying that cannabis should be discarded by everyone, many saivite sadhus on the Kundalini path certainly make use of it, but for me all drugs had to go out the window before I could progress and see the difference between reality and truth.

You said that you feel that reality is based on personal experience. I do not agree with that. Personal experience is a product of ego and IS the illusion of seperation. For me, reality is Brahman, the absolute consciousness. Reality isn't the body or the individual mind (me). Reality is the constant that is behind and beneath what can be seen, the source of all things, the emptiness that is full of potential. The Self is THAT, not the individual experience. In realization the "me" concept is vastly changed. That life continues to be lived but "you" are not THAT. It is something that words can't fully explain. One can repeat and mentally accept "I am God" or "I am one with everything" but hearing it, wanting to accept it, and actually experiencing it are very different.

Thanks for the insight I couldnt see past myself to understand your meaning of reality. I've had moments where I felt the connection to everything else but so far its still being seen to some degree by the individual "I" instead of simply being I get caught up trying to experience the phenomena which is pretty counter productive.