I am just home from the hospital and the neurosurgery on Tuesday to remove the benign tumour from my head went smoothly.  The neurosurgeon is a perfectionist, extremely kind man.  I understand why people fall for their surgeons though I won't. He said the surgery was difficult, apologised every visit for having to make a choice to leave 20% of the tumour in place because it was too full of nerves and blood vessels to be able to remove it without also taking the facial nerve and leaving me looking like a stroke victim for the rest of my life.  I am overjoyed at his decision and made sure he knew I am awesomely grateful for that choice. It was my repeated and last request before surgery, please don't cut my nerves!  Medical science has made milestones in the last 20 and nobody can guess what the next 20 will hold. Leave me hope! 
    I was told the surgery would do nothing to help me to regain my hearing, but it did!!! Oh thanks and praise and thanks be to Goddess it did, it did praise be!! 

      Thanks to Dr. Akagami, and the whole team of doctors and techs and everybody... That surgical room must have been crowded, I met so many differnet interns and people after the surgery who had been helping for the long 7 hours I was under. 

   I was lying in recovery after the surgery, all wired up with sensors and tubes and 3 iv lines and automatic blood pressure cuff and amazing blissfully pleasurable air powered leg massagers, clip on my finger monitoring my blood oxygen...  listening to a woman weeping off to my left... feeling compassion for her. Practicing gratitude.. so many people so much worse of than me I got no place for self pity.   I was laying there in deep trance listening to the sounds around me for more than an hour before it hit me like a lightning bolt that I could locate the sounds!!!  MIRACLE!!

   I began to weep with joy.. though only from the right eye.  I plugged my right ear and gently scratched my left ear and I could faintly but distinctly hear it where the day before I'd stuck a soapy q-tip right down the ear canal to clean it well for the hospital and there was only dead silence.  The right eye still tears with joy every time I think of what I have regained. The left doesn't, there is small weakness in the facial nerve giving me a crooked grin and it will heal.  I don't mind it at all. 
 
  I am so profoundly grateful... not being able to locate sounds, and the difficulties associated with that .. from not being able to find my cordless phone if it was off the cradle to not knowing where a siren was coming from when driving, being easily startled (ADD folks got exaggerated startle reflexes worsened by loss of sound location ability) .. not being able to identify who is speaking in a group were the hardest losses of the new disability and although the hearing gain is a tiny improvement of my left ear ..perhaps from 14% t0 30% - it is across the sound spectrum not just bass notes, and an immense blessing for what I have regained.. the ability to locate sounds.  Thank you Goddess thank you thank you praise!!

   I do not pray for further improvement, have not prayed for much for myself in all of this only surrendering fear and Goddess Has it Handled... Thy will be done.  Not wanting others to pray for me and send energy or anything either. This event is all perfect Dharma and Goddess has it handled.  Kept the surgery date secret so I would not be in the thoughts of those who might have "good intentions."

  I had only two weeks notice of my surgery date, though I had signed the papers for it august 2008... Canadian wait lists for non emergency surgery may be long but I didn't mind letting the emergencies go first.  So many folks dealing with worse stuff keeps self pity from my thoughts!  I am so proud to be Canadian and grateful to be living in a civilized and merciful country with universal medicare.  The only cost to me for 4 days hospital and 7 hours of surgery with a room full of specialists and exotic sensory and microsurgery equipment was some take home prescriptions.  Thanks and praise~!
  I am also giving thanks to Morpheus God of dreams for the drug named for him. I think a narcotic addiction would be some kind of hell but there is a time and place for all things and morphine injection for post operative trauma is a gift of divine mercy. Calm happy, peace, rest and dreams... and an extra blessing for the ADD grrl, really easily amused.  I knew I would mostly be sleeping but dreaded the boredom and bought a cheap little electronic pocket solitaire game that filled the time when I sought diversion and donated it to the hospital when I left.  I am usually good at solitaire and it was amusing to measure my drugged stupidity by bad solitaire scores.  Thanks to Morpheus it was perfectly interesting to study myself, the sounds around me or be fascinated by the shape and texture of my fingernails, perfectly content for hours.  A couple of times I let the dosage run out to check in with the body and see how I really felt... dizzy and nauseous from pain, miserable.  I pressed the call button for mercy... the lovely nurse arrived to poke my IV line and I floated back to a peaceful happy contentment where I could only bliss out and keep counting my blessings.  Thank you Goddess!!

   I did not get any to bring home.. and I don't need it, I am home!!

    it was interesting to observe myself as the date drew nearer tick tock loud in my head.  The body was frightened.  I spent a lot of focus on calming it, simply sitting to observe the breath and surrendering what ever came up.  Intellectually and spiritually I knew everything was going to be fine, spirit especially but the body doesn't like being cut up.  It was terrified. 

   (Long interruption for rest break)

  The incision curving behind my left ear seems to cut across some places where the neck muscles attach to the scalp so sitting at a desk is a very short term activity.  Reclining and not asking those muscles to do their job of holding up my head when they are held together with sutures is definitely better.

I am  not going to be sitting up for more than a few moments at a time for a few weeks, but will be importing a laptop to my waterbed for limited activity.  At that point this post will become expanded but right now it needs to be laser and concise if incomplete.

  One thing that came from this visit (and the thought has occurred to me before) is I can talk to the mute and the comatose.  I can look at people and see where they hurt, even inside them.
  I may write more of my experience of this later but right now my neck wants rest.

This is *exceptionally* easy for me to teach, especially to heath caring type people who likely already have the ability inside them unrecognised, and I am sure many use it consciously already.  It's a side project,  really not about teaching mysticism, its just dharma, and compassionate responsibility for me to share what I know.  Helping people realize natural human abilities they already have and use, make them more conscious and provide a common language. 

  I'm lying in my bed meditating realizing that my mind is getting transcription from Goddess of a book called "Medical Intuitives: the people whisperers."  I cannot type it up ATM though but I can speak it as it comes and I'm putting a call for volunteer transcribers in the tech forum. I see it as a tidy little pocket paperback of 200 pages or so.

   Gotta rest.    I am sorry if it seems inappropriate for the teacher to post to her own forum in this very personal TMI sort of way, but sometimes I am moved to use it as you do, as it is meant to be used for our songs and sharing of praise and gratitude for the joy and beauty along this path. 

  Grateful for the timing too.. heh the power of surrender wow.  I got a letter in sept that made me think the surgery would be postponed for another year and got fed up with feeling my life was on hold, decided to quit waiting and make travel plans... October chat parties and posts brought invitations to go back to Sweden, UK, Holland plus Prague and Helsinki... and bingo just before Samhain I get the hospital phone call with the Nov 10 date.  Estimated time for full recovery is 2 months, I will be fine to travel in the new year.  Thank you Goddess. WOW~!~

   Grateful for the hospital staff, who were exceptionally friendly and kind people. 

    Grateful for my warm waterbed and Tylenol 3.  Goodnight.    

 
   

Welcome back, Mystress.  I'm glad things went so well.  I'm glad you're taking your lead from the healing as it needs to take place and not rushing things.  ... ounce of prevention, you know.    Mazel tov on regaining your hearing.  My heart is swelling thinking of the renewed joys awaiting you as you listen to music now. 

Let me know if there's something I can do to make your transition easier. 

  Sending you a hog and a knish.

Wishing you a speedy recovery Mystress...

My heart expands with love and healing, I'm sure you have more energy than you need on tap but I have surrendered my regards to Goddess for you.

Thanks for being so open in sharing your experience.

I know I need a few sensible weeks of rest to heal but aaahh Im so hyper! Ive cut down the painkillers to almost nothing to stay conscious of my body.  Had to bring them back up a little again as pain stress interfered with digestion.
  druid bought me a new laptop for an early bday gift, I named it lover  because I take it to bed.  Mostly using it to watch movies and DVDs.
Different keyboard is ..  hard to type anyway, wrists still sore from 3 iv lines.

  blessings!

Great to hear all went well, lots of love, Minamaus

dear Mystress,

i am very glad You are back on the track again, and this time in stereo, so to speak, yeah!

You rock the house! But please take Your time to rest until the wounds are fully healed ... i know, easier said than done, smile, but ... Goddess will provide

love

jOhannes
(greeting You from the other side of the planet at the dutch-gerrrrman border)

Dear Mystress,

I just wanted to wish you a happy recovery as well and wanted to tell you that I was very moved by your bravery and honesty. Often spritual teacher behave like they have transcended everything and you shared your hopes and fears with us in such a personal manner that I can only express my admiration for your humbleness and honesty. Get well soon!
PS: Special greetings to Johannes from a fellow German 

smile, thanks Marco! 
greetings back from Aachen

I posted this to the K list today:


   Some K related observations from my recent neurosurgical journey.

   Some years ago I recall a fascinating thread on Amrita nectar involving Wim and a few others. Someone proposed that the nectar is actually cerebrospinal fluid that is pumped up the spine from the tailbone to bathe the brain and pass es through microvesicles in the palate to drip onto the back of the tongue -sweet-salty jellyfish texture stuff.
  Made me go hmmm, but I never made up my mind whether to believe it or not. I mentioned it to a few people, one said it was impossible because if fluid could go one direction then bacteria could go the other way and you would get nasty brain diseases like meningitis.  Hmm, true unless it was a positive pressure pump- the heart doesn't get backwash.
  My nectar flow has been abundant since I was 14. In some of the FST videos you can see me swallowing it every few words to avoid drowning. I inherited a weak gag reflex from my dad, the ability to choke colourfully on a drop of my own saliva, and so a side effect of the nectar has been a slight chronic cough for the past ummm  30 years that doesn't bother me at all. Coughing up the stuff and swallowing it spreads the energy of it through my body via digestion.

  Today I'm leaning in favour of the nectar-cerebrospinal fluid theory because as part of my recent surgery a circle of bone was removed from my skull behind my left ear and the cerebrospinal fluid drained off so my brain rested gently out of the way on the right side of the skull instead of floating. Easier for the surgeon to access the nerve bundle behind my left ear.   Since then my nectar flow has dried up!  My sinuses feel so dry they make creaking and ticking noises. I'm using saline nasal spray for relief.
  Good sense for Goddess to not turn the pressure pump back on until my skull has healed... and being without the cough just now is certainly a mercy.


   Its a little known Kundalini attainment; when the heart chakra fully opens the pulse rate gets permanently set to 80 bpm which creates a standing wave that blows up karma blockages and puts the bearer in synch with the schumann frequency of the planetary magnetic field which is powerful healing. In 1997 I was guided to do a ritual without any expectations of the result: I gave my heart to Goddess and She gave me back the Holy Grail. My pulse has been 78-80 BPM ever since, whether sleeping or running up a hill, even had one skeptical lover who took my pulse when I was in the middle of an orgasm.

   I mentioned my permanent 80 BPM pulse rate to the surgeon, anesthesiologist and various specialists I met pre-op and they smiled and nodded like you do when being polite to crazy people... and they were right, my hospital stay was a grail sabbatical from the moment I lay down on the gurney and was hooked to the heart monitor which read 66.
    Wise I think, as there would have been some un necessary drama had the grail remained, because pulse rate is a stat doctors depend on.  Laying in bed post-op I enjoyed playing biofeedback games with the heart monitor... meditate on my heart and bang it was back at 80, the rest of the time it sat around 56.
   That sort of part time grail I know of from some of my students results of the  FST grad ritual. Few get the permanent standing wave like I have, more often they attain the grail part-time- accessible when needed.

Back home, lying quiet in my waterbed I started paying more attention to the sounds my pulse was making in my head ... amazing variety of sounds from marching feet, bird calls, steam whistle toots, flute notes, woodpecker drumming, clock ticking, water dripping, knocking, sound of someone banging on metal waterpipes far away, and often three of those sounds at once in a strange internal symphony. The strangest of all was trying to fry some lunch and staring at the flying pan for a long moment trying to figure out why it was going sizzle sizzle sizzle sizzle ... before realizing that it matched my heartbeat. I turned the stove off and went back to bed.
   The sounds have mostly faded now but not before I noticed they were always the same beat...  same familiar rhythm since 1997. Huh, interesting how Goddess has it handled.

(Hooray, hooray, the sutures come out today... )

Dear Mystress,
Get well soon! Godess provides. Thank you for your very personal sharing of experience.

I'm glad to hear you're fine after so big operation  It must be awesome to be able to hear better!

I'm happy you decided to share your story with us, it helped me to overcome some doubts about my own decisions and fears that I went through basically at the same time as you did. But my process was much much smaller, mainly about vaccines. Old conspiracy issues coming up to be cleared. After reading your first post I was blissing out happy, and my son noticed that his small kids coffee maker is miniatyre model of my "real" coffee maker. Fact we haven't noticed before. He was so thrilled about the similarity putting them side by side that it made me laugh. Just like me being thrilled about Mystresses story.