Nothing seems to satisfy.

I can't feel happiness. It's feels like nothing getting replaced by anger and confusion.

It feels like pain and nothing.

Read my words. Nothing seems to satisfy.


I don't know how to handle feelings.

I feel caught. Caught in my own confusion.

Hi Edward...

I've had similar experience to this.  How I have handled it, with what I've understood from this course, is go with the raw quality of the feeling, go with the flow, eventually it all transmutes into the feeling of *now*, where I've found that the true feelings of happiness lies. I've found that the essential thing, is of course, is to make sure that I am grounded, and be in a state of receptiveness... making sure that I keep out of the way and let my D.B. sort it all out.

The anger and confusion I felt was my ego trying to jostle for control, trying to send me on another cycle of discontent by encouraging me to fill the nothing space with uncool ideas and activities... which ultimately would give my ego a massive feed, adding to the confusion. What we are doing on this course is like poison to the ego, so its going to kick off, so I accept it and love that part of me which helps to release some of the pressure behind all the heavy feelings of discontent. Being grateful for the experience helps, knowing in my heart that the experience is necessary and I'm getting closer to the source by transmuting all of my crappy feelings.

For me, its about having faith... being courageous in going beyond that which I have not felt before... the only thing that really helps is having the feeling that *Goddess has it handled*  and keeping out of the way, not analysing things too much. I usually get insights later that just pop up without my interference anyway.

The ironic thing is in what you have stated, 'nothing seems to satisfy'. The fact is for me, the feeling of nothing *is* purely satisfying... which could be written the same way,  nothing seems to satisfy 

...forgot to mention if the feelings really get so strong and intense... I surrender, surrender, surrender to Goddess, I keep repeating surrendering until I can cope again with going with the flow.

Take care...

Dave.

It's allright again now.

I just forgot to surrender.

Magical place this is

Thanks Dave

No probs... I sometime forget to fill the holes with grace and light after surrendering, there is a ritual that I do every night, just before I close my eye to go to sleep, to make sure that I do...

Goddess, please take everything that I have learnt and perceived today, I give it to you as a gift, its yours... thank you very much. ( this stops me building any attachments and expectations to what I've absorbed that day)

also, as the Mystress advisers us to do:

Goddess, please take all the holes where the stuff I've surrendered to you today used to be and fill them with your grace and light, thank you, then breath the light up through my feet. This for me is icing on the cake... stops me feeling empty.

... take care

Dave.

Quote from: DaveP on Jul 30, 2009, 10:22:46 AMalso, as the Mystress advisers us to do:

Goddess, please take all the holes where the stuff I've surrendered to you today used to be and fill them with your grace and light, thank you, then breath the light up through my feet. This for me is icing on the cake... stops me feeling empty.

... take care

Dave.

  I don't breathe the light up through my feet... its not needed. Goddess provides as She knows best. Nor for the grounding... when you give the sunlight to the earth, the return is automatic.

    Blessings...

These times seems to be one of toughest I've experienced so far.

I've taken the week off from work. I have disconnected my TV. What comes is a sense of loneliness. I don't find
it any giving to be with friends or people. I feel lonely around them also. And everything feels pointless.

Even taking my dog for his walks are hard. I can't stand people. There is so much anger, hate and resentment coming up.

In the middle of all this, the "I"/mind/ego seems to be cracking up. And the bits that are left are fighting for its survival.

There is nothing to hold on to. There are small glimpses of hope, but mostly it just feels like something very grey.

I know that Goddess has it handled, on the other hand I am afraid, will Goddess really take of me?

There seems to some kind of culimination. I hope this passes soon. It's chaos!

Two nights ago I slept over with a friend where I had a dream where she was giving me shaktipat through the root chakra. And people where laughing when I asked what Goddess thinks of this and that. They said, you are Goddess.
That feels very lonely also!

It's crazy, and I hope it is soon over!

It is very nice to have the comforting writings on kundalini-teacher.com and the tea-room!

I'm selling my apartment, and there seems to be that many things are changing!


Ed

HI Ed,

You have just explained exactly what I am feeling at moment, been like it for about a week... I keep surrendering and sending unconditional love to the feeling/emotions and I can't seem to shake the fear/loneliness off.

Loads of stuff surfacing, stirring... things I have forgotten that happened when I was a child, also anger, depression. I feel like my flesh has been ripped open and I am raw, naked, vulnerable.

I am trying to ground myself, but I am locked in my head.

What has come up for me is, I must take full responsibility for what is happening, I let myself down and strayed from the path... free will is so hard to give up, but I am getting a really massive kicking at the moment for being weak.

The advise the Mystress gave me rings in my ears:

"I attract that which occurs" sort of personal responsibility  is a necessary and essential survival discipline when ones central channel Shakti flow becomes a wide river. If an unawakened person's projections are a squirt gun, then an awakened persons projections are a firehose and the feedback hits you like a tsunami.


I must be calm go with the flow, keep surrendering/sending unconditional love and eventually it will clear. The main message that I am getting is "START LIVING AND STOP SEARCHING... LIVE THE TRUTH!" I read too much, my message is that its an escapism, rather that me living the truth, I keep looking for more answers, when I have all the answers within me. But it feels lonely... yes. That, I believe is an ego trick, to keep a hold on me, so I stray from the path again. I once read that you must marry yourself to the loneliness. And of course I am never alone if I am connected to my D.B. I strayed and dishonoured and disconnection from her and I am paying the price.

I sit sometimes and say to myself, what the fuck am I trying to work out. Its a cowards way out not trusting in *being*.

I've been recapping on the Witness State lesson... thats helping.

Finding that I've been taking things far too seriously, everything is so serious, I must do this and make sure I don't do that.

Trying to regain my sense of humour... seeing the ironic in what I do. Its helping.

Edward wrote:
Two nights ago I slept over with a friend where I had a dream where she was giving me shaktipat through the root chakra. And people where laughing when I asked what Goddess thinks of this and that. They said, you are Goddess.
That feels very lonely also!

  I went through a phase where I would say "It will be as Goddess Wills" and my heart voice would respond "Thou art Goddess."  It annoyed me actually. All these years spent learning to surrender and let my infinite self do the thinking and now it wants the monkey back in charge?

  But really it was about letting go of the duality of separation and focusing on what is my bliss. I still dont know what my bliss is but watching people growing is cool, I enjoy it. Creative stuff is cool. When the separation disappears and Goddess does art through me.

  I've been having an odd week too... my weekend event july 31 was disappointing, people I expected to see were not there and a lot of new young faces reminded me I'm getting older.  Some people I thought were old friends behaved in a very unfriendly way so I am rethinking my friendships and social life. Feeling my age... letting go of things.. and people. Is painful. Yet feels sort of good too... knowing new doors will open.

    I spent much of last week avoiding negative and paranoid thoughts by distracting myself as the emotional stuff burned off ... pouring the junk into creativity, better than obsessing over it.  I entered two building-related events in SL, one is a building contest and the other an art gallery event.  A student who visited while I was building said it looked like black smoke pouring off my power chakra and heart.

   Blessings...