Hello, It must be nearly 2 years since I visited FST, been through lots of weird stuff lifewise and had some of my arrogance, inability to connect with being real and self obsession knocked out of me...........will try not to labour this post with irrelevant details but I have got to a scared place and not sure what is going on...any ideas would be welcome.

Got to a suicidal place about 3 weeks ago, threw a lot of my possessions away and gave to charity shops as I was clearing up debris from my life (I was working 200 miles from home and in temporary digs for 6 months) anyway the brink of which I came back from for now, partly because I have a horror that there are fates far worse than death and I am very afraid that karmicly speaking I am on a path to something, maybe and end which is very very very very not good....and partly because my partner and my 2 brothers love me (God knows why) and persuaded me back from the edge.....but they do not know how bad I feel â€" it just wouldn't be fair to let them know the depths......they have enough with their own stuff.

I am afraid I have pissed off my immediate spirit family (recognisable from this lifetime mother father grandparents and partners family etc. my mothers locket chin links broke and keep breaking and I keep breaking everything I touch and care about, even little things everyday seem laden with significance, my partners favourite CD case broke the plastic when it caught by my coat in the car door pocket and smashed on the floor).

Also I am scared by bigger archetypal things......like are there black angels - when I go towards sleep I feel like dark flutterings over my head and I get real bad dreams of all the things human are afraid of, death, disease, torment, cruelty etc. and that I am guilty of these things so I will suffer these things and cause the ones I love to suffer also - like I am one of the damned forever.

I have clinical depression but can drag a heavy stone slab over the fear when I am around people so I don't frighten and worry them, but in my own mind things leak out of the pit and into real life....bad luck, misfortune and I feel like I'm on the slide towards a destruction of some kind.

Have I brought something into my self that I can't get rid of, something toxic which likes to harm, or are these things all my own generation. I ask my guardian angels and anyone who is from the light to please send bad things away, but maybe I have been written off by good influences.

So sorry for being black like this but I am really scared for everything. Get the shakes when my body just feels out of control and hearing cracking noises in to corners of my sleeping room and feeling stalked by darkness and evil. Maybe it's only my own shit and if it sloughs off I might be left with a little fragment of a real me, but just very very very very frightened...been in this place about 20 years but most of the time I pull the slab over it, but then have recurring periods of crisis which I'm in now and it lasts for weeks/months and my life falls to bits - this is the worst one yet because I am getting older and closer to the end of the road...is there anything here that is recognisable to anyone else? I have appointments with local gov. mental health services community psychiatric nurse, but she says the usual (you are depressed, take medication and you will be o.k. again) - maybe she's right, just don't know what to do...maybe being a zombie is better...I took medications for 15 years and stopped 18 months ago, but things have got scary....so I'm at a major crossroads right now.

Sorry to ask...but asking out of desperation.

Hollyberry

P.S. if anyone is kind enough to reply - I will be back soon, but my memory and sense of time at the moment is bad and I forget things so it might be days before I remember posting etc.

Hi Hollyberry,

Good to here from you again, if you remember you kindly helped me with some of my awkward family issues last year, and I really appreciated your warm advice. Sorry to here you are in a scary place, I feel I'm not really qualified to answer your deep despair, just felt that I would show my respect to you in acknowledging your post and I will send my support via Goddess, which I hope this will rain down on you with love.

The message from my D.B. regarding your need for help is, 'the key to dissolving fear is to except and embrace it with love'. Except your demons or life will continually create life experiences, however terrifying, until you do.

Warm Regards to you Hollyberry...

Love and Light,

Dave

sorry, spelling not too good.

accept is the correct spelling.

I'm sorry to hear about your circumstances, hollyberry and am glad you posted to the group.  A couple of things come to mind, reflecting on how I've dealt with stuff that's gotten me down.  ... making sure that I'm okay physically, seeing my m.d. if I want to be sure about that, seeing my chiropractor to make sure that my muscles, bones and nerves and properly aligned and not preventing each other from doing their jobs, staying away from things which cause my allergies to rise, getting enough sleep, eating things I like, doing things I like  ....

Certainly, the added stresses of living and working away from home for long periods of time takes its toll.

I agree with what Dave says about accepting your demons as a way of diffusing them and your reactions to them.  If that seems too scary, I suggest just aiming energy from your heart to them as a first step.  Also, are you grounding?  That alone will raise your vibration and drive lower vibrational stuff out of your body.  

I hope you update the group on how things are going.  My best regards to you.

Thank you DaveP and Sigmund (yes I remember you with warmth) - for your replies, the fact that you made them is very kind.

Maybe the demons are my own and I have avoided them for all my life so far which is why they have got bigger and blacker and more scary........maybe it is a crossroads to a more honest way of being.......will keep in touch, might be a while, but I will come back as soon as I can.......and yes must do more grounding reminders are good.

Thank you both again.

Hollyberry 

P.S. spelling stuff no worries â€" my youngest brother didn't get a good education and his writing has been a real struggle (he's now 37 years old) - but he is brighter and sharper than me and is a real lovely star - I'd back him first, rather than me with all my educational degree and my fancy words - it's heart that counts much more  : )  thanks

Hi Hollyberry!
Nice to see you here again!
Your fears sound a bit like mine, as we, as I remember, already chatted here  Those fears aren't nice at all... You have good advice from Dave and Sigmund.
I learned techniques from FST that seem to work for me. So, when I wake up in the night full of fear/paranoia/whatever, I breathe. I choose not to believe wild thoughts, fears. They weren't real last time, or before that, or...  I surrender fears to Goddess. I don't have a clue what happens, but it works. Time after time. First step was when I managed to start deciding not to believe. Then I learned to trust surrender methods. These days I may wake up, feel/think something unpleasant, then I surrender it, fall asleep again. Works in the daytime too.
Yeah, grounding is essential as Sigmund already said. IF I remember to focus on grounding when issues come up, situation usually changes almost instantly. Some days it's harder than other days.
I was on antidepressants for about a year. I'm happy about it, I didn't have any side effects. I start again, if I feel like that someday. Life without constant anxiety is so much better. I wasn't zombie, but I tried to take as small dosage as I possibly could. I noticed some coldness emerging when I took the dosage doctor recommended. Ofcourse it's better to be without them, but sometimes Goddess has different plans for us.
Life saver for me was the change of perception about dark forces, demons etc. During my process I've had fear of being possessed by something that would make me seriously evil. I was convinced that I should commit suicide instead of giving myself to it. Ah yes, these days I see that it was/is my ego fearing for it's life.
Also Tummo initiation helped me a lot.
Usually writing here as honest as I can helps me. K brings up that kind of issues that I believe most of us need help at least from time to time.
It would be nice to hear from you and your process in the future too
Take care!

Hi Holly, 
Good to hear from you.  It has helped me to stay connected to this group, even when the only thing I was able to do was read the post, during the times that I felt the darkest.   You mentioned several times about protecting your loved ones by not sharing how you really feel "pulling the slab over you."   For my entire life I have been the "self-appointed" strong one.  I finally realized that I was not only dishonoring myself, but I was dishonoring the ones I loved with that behaviour. When I started getting real, it wasn't and isn't always pretty, but it feels like a ton of weight has been lifted from me.  The other thing that jumped out at me while reading your post was that what I believe in, is what is reflected back at me.  If I believe in evil, then I see it.  Getting to the core of my beliefs is the very thing that made me realize that I do not believe in evil and surrender is what has allowed me to get to the other side of the pain.  Letting go of so many things that I picked up along the way that really did not belong to me and did not fit makes it so that I don't have to pretend to be anything I am not.  It also allows me to honor myself and what I am feeling.  When I take on things that are not true for me, then I become depressed and feel disconnected from myself and others. It certainly is a work in progress here...  Best wishes to you ....Tammy

Tammy & Mari,

Thank you both for your replies and support to my asking - it does help, not to feel alone  ... official mental health channels can be not good places to speak about psycho-spiritual difficulties so I guess it's easy to feel isolated. It's comforting when feelings appear to be shared and more universal than expected....yes, work in progress means not to have given up yet.

Warm thanks and regards,

Hollyberry         

  Hello again Holly:

   You have not been away so long, you posted in 2008. Welcome back.

   I spent some time contemplating your post, and what came up again and again is the circumstances and symptoms suggest you are approaching ego death. Darkest before the dawn, eh? Your ego is afraid of death and it puts up a big fight at the end, sometimes.

   Your ego will die but your body will keep on living with you as your higher self doing life.   From that beautiful place you will look back on all this and find it was all worth doing.

   There is no evil, there is only fear, reflections of fear, and beings acting from a frightened place.  I doubt your Guardian angels would be letting entities through unless there is some value for you in interacting with them.  The shadows appear to remind you of the power of Love.

  You cannot be in a state of love and a state of fear at the same time: grounding yourself is choosing love and acceptance.  I know sometimes in a fearful state it can be hard to focus on love, but there must be something in the world you are passionate about. Focus on what you love to get into a loving state and you will find there is some left over to beam at the entities and shadow reflections.

  Don't feel bad about being on medication: better to be alive on a prescription than dead without it~ !!  I don't think medications negate your ability to process karma, if anything they give you a breathing space to find some clarity.

  Louise Hay said it, and I have found truth in it, experientially: Depression is anger turned inwards. Some people when they are hurt, beat themselves up with self directed anger instead of lashing out, and end up depressed.  I know there are biological components too, but the body does reflect the mind. You need to get in touch with your anger; beneath it you will find hurt, and beneath that there lives some part of you that does not feel worthy of being loved.  Its important to sit with the emotions, breathe with them and accept them in order for them to move through you so the next layers can be revealed and similarly released. 

  I'm an optimist type, but my fella used to be clinically depressed. I could always tell when it was coming on because he would start to pick at me and express dis-satisfaction with our relationship. One day, about two years into our relationship (13 years together now!)  The junk came by email and I got right fed up, I was angry but somewhere in my anger I realized his giving me responsibility (blame) for his feelings was handing me the karma of it... on some level he wanted me to take it from him. 

  I grabbed into the thread of karma he handed me and started pulling the junk out of him.  I sat immobile on the couch for 8 hours, processing years of his anger then the self pity and the hurt beneath. When he came home from work I was still in the middle of processing the anger and said "leave me alone" and he did!  I was afraid to say much because I did not want to be triggered into spewing it all back at him. Around midnight I came to an amazingly beautiful place of peace and silence. 

  The next morning I told him I'd eaten his depression; he did not believe me. That Didn't bother me at all, I told him just wait and see.  Six months later while we were having dinner he realized he had not had a depressive episode since that day I told him I'd eaten it. I was so happy I cried.  He still gets a little moody at times, but it passes in a day or less. Some seasonal affective disorder in the dark months of Jan-Feb but even that has less and less effect as time goes on.

  The issue with things becoming broken is simply about releasing attachments. Learning not to cry over spilt milk. Think about what got busted and remember the emotions it triggered in you, in order to surrender that stuff.  When it is other peoples stuff examine those feels too, in particular your expectations of yourself and what you think others expect of you.

   The stuff breaking, the suicidal impulses and the feelings of disapproval from your ancestors are all classic ego death symptions.  If your relatives have gone into the light then they will love and accept you, they won't judge you or disapprove of you. I really think these sorts of feelings are echos from your DNA... the reflection of your ancestors issues, within you... coming out from deep in your bones.
  The solution is to just love them. 

   I recall my own ego death, hundreds of ancestor ghosts in the room, all really pissed at me because they felt my choice and ability to create a life of ease and abundance for myself somehow invalidated their feudal-system experience of poverty & struggle. I was freaking out badly, my hands shaking so I could barely dial the phone. A friend came by and rapped on my knee, sending vibrations all through me and reminded me that the bones hold the old memories... and to just love the ancestors. 

  Their chains do not hold you, and when you break the chains the freedom ripples backwards through time.

  On a more practical note, please increase your calcium and mineral intake significantly.  Calcium is a mood stabilizer, it can prevent anxiety attacks. Stress makes the blood more alkaline, causing it to lose calcium. Don't forget the flax and B vitamins!  If you support your body in coping with stress nutritionally, it is easier to cope with stress!
 
   I know things are going to get better for you. Dont feel bad about spewing your feelings here, it can be a great way to let them go.  There is an intention on this cyberspace that what is expressed here is given up to Goddess, so people rarely get upset over what other people share because its been scrubbed by the time they read it. 
  You really are going to be all right. Don't forget to breathe.

   Blessings!