It has been so difficult to write anything.

On one side it has been easier to surrender...instead of making so much fuss about things.

I feel split, split between the egos urge to run after material things....and the deeper, the
thing that just is to be present with my self.

I have to make priorities, suddenly I find myself caught up in a job with lots of travelling and high demands.

The mind running after things. I want be with my dog, and take care of him and my self.

Why is the urge to create things, instead of following the body wisdom and surrender to Goddess?

Why am I longing after career, money and status?

I feel people taking advantage of me. In the same way I take advantage of my dog sometimes.

I'm angry! At myself.

Goddess, I want to be happy. Not to long after things. Just be contented. Why am I suddenly working
like a machine for a big corporate bank? Ego bragging.

Dressing up like a soldier, working over-time, leaving my dog at to my friends to be able to attend
meeting in other cities, in other countries.

I visualized this, and  it manifested. Just as the exersizes did, in R.A.W's Quantum Psychology.

To anxious to leave the hot potatoe to Goddess, but instead using my own manifestation abilities
to get what the ego wants.

It just creates pain. Hand it over to Goddess.

I feel naked. Like a little child. I can't let society mold me again.

I want to be truth to the thing inside.

Running away, time after time.

Goddess, take all this. I don't want to create anymore.

Hi Edward,

Why is the urge to create things, instead of following the body wisdom and surrender to Goddess?

Why am I longing after career, money and status?

It worth studying the 'Maslow's hierarchy of needs',... how I see it is the urge you feel is only natural.  After all we all need money. It worth adding after your visualisations, "Not my will, but thine be done."

Safety and Security needs include:

Personal security
Financial security
Health and well-being
Safety net against accidents/illness and the adverse impacts

  Edward:

   What exactly is the problem here?

   The Goddess is a Goddess of abundance, and there is nothing whatsoever in FST about the virtues of poverty.  There is a lot of stuff about letting go of attachments to your material stuff, but that actually allows you to enjoy the stuff more!!

    Kundalini is creative energy, Goddess always giving birth, nothing wrong with being creative.  You think your dog would be better served by you being homeless and unable to feed him?  Money is fun, for what it can do. Goddess doesn't judge it.  Why do you?

  Enjoy your work, your life. Be at peace.

        Blessings...

I don't know what is the problem, if it is a problem, when it started, if its always been like this underneath, if it is temporary or if it is nothing.

I generally feel dis-satisfied, grumpy, negative, irritable, angry and restless.

I think I've been like this before this K-thing also. It was very fun when it was going upwards. But I think after the snakes hit the roof top sometime around october-november 2007 and shortly after when I had this difficult-to-explain-experience-but-sense-of-overything-is-one-whole and the following motorbike accident, which I feel like, forced me back into the body, it was not so fun anymore.  Fun to hang out in the heart chakra and the higher chakras, but not so fun in the lower. I did have some fun afterwards, like playing guru, healer, etc., but soon found out that the negative after effects was more prominent that the positive ones.

Then slowly this difficult-to-explain-beingness gets rooted in the lower chakras (or it has maybe always been rooted there, only less thinking makes me aware of it) . Then there is a natural, mostly permanent feeling of one-ness. In the beginning fun and
interesting, but now I feel very lonely.

I dont know if actually is like this, but mostly I experience that outside and inside is the same thing, and then I have this mind that chatters endlessly and never gets satisfied, and I know that, if not always, but mostly it can manifest or attract things by intention or focus. And I feel bad about it, like I shouldn't be using this ability to manifest things, because it is ego manifesting, and that usually produces non-permanently-satisfying results.

And then I get angry at Goddess because the manifesting ability is there, but why is it there if it is not satisfying? I generally  feel angry at my mother and Goddess. Angry at my mother because when I grew up, my mother often said that she hated my dad and men generally. I then I thought it's not good to be a man, so I am not worthy to be with women, so I liked boys instead. Thinking  of women just makes feel like being a rapist. So, I am angry at my mother, at Goddess. I am angry at myself. I know it's useless, but is is still there.

Many things feel useless, useless with this whole enlightenment thing, I thought it was gonna be like that I could manifest myself from matter to non-matter, and move between anykind of imagined experience. But now it's like, I'm here, in the
body. I don't know who is enlightened or not, but I really don't care, because everything is me (or that which is not thinking, it is). 

It feels stupid to write here, because it is complaining, and I basically have everything that I want to have. But that is of material things, of powers, of siddhis, but for Gods sake how to make the stupid mind to shut the fuck up?

I feel stuck, but I know I making progress. I have  not been able to do any FST-lessons. I remember a dream, I think you Mystress delivered a lesson through a dream, the gates opened to another FST-lesson, and I got this remote control from you which made me able to zap people, but I found out that I could use it to zap myself. So maybe I'm doing FST-lessons anyway.

And all this whining and complaining is not to you Mystress, it goes to Goddess. I feel sexually frustrated. When I'm a good boy and not jacking of to porn (because it's isolating and creating karmic feedback), I expect things to happen, like maybe attracting lovers, but this does not happen - I've waited like two weeks at a time, but still no lover. I mean a physical lover.
So then I just get irritated, and start watching porn again. Maybe I'm supposed to stay single with no intimate relations?
Maybe I'm  to arrogant, I find Norwegian boys to be arrogant and playing-hard-to-get. Maybe I get a girl instead.

My self esteem is low. I don't feel just as attractive as before. I feel like I'm getting old, bald, bad teeth, varicose veins on my legs, to skinny and grumpy.

Why can't life be perfect?

And still I know it's perfect. It's the mind. How to have enough compassion with the mind to be able to just let it be, just watch it and let it do it's thing, instead of getting afraid that it will get out of control and start manifesting bad things because of it's thinking?

When I'm happy, I'm so happy that everything is just the way it supposed to be. When I'm not happy, then I just want to die and I am angry at Goddess because she put me in a human body.

And I don't want to eat meat, I saw this PETA video, and it just made me sick. But I know I should be eating meating because it is grounding.

Argh!

Goddess, please take all this. Thanks.

It feels stupid to write here, because it is complaining, and I basically have everything that I want to have. But that is of material things, of powers, of siddhis, but for Gods sake how to make the stupid mind to shut the fuck up?

I generally feel dis-satisfied, grumpy, negative, irritable, angry and restless.

Why can't life be perfect?


Reading your post Ed, makes me feel that you know the truth of your actions; for you to overcome your frustrations, make a conscious decision, ‘a leap of faith’ to honour the moment… the true source of power.

I feel what you are doing is trying to alter the future by thinking too much… thus the constant chatter of the mind, accept the moment of now. By acceptance, the power of the moment can transmute your imaginary problems. Everything is perfect; it is only your ego playing tricks on you because you are threatening to it, the ego can’t function in the present moment, that’s why you are contently thinking, it’s a trick! You and only you can do this, you have to be strong, *as you know*go into the witness state, place this state within any thought or emotion and it will transmute it into stillness. Be watchful that you don’t *think* about being the witness state, *feel the state*. It is an allusion to think that you can manifest anything by manipulating situations. The only way to make things improve is to transmute them. Take a ‘leap of faith’ that Goddess has it handled… go with the flow. Are you really pissed off with all the pain and suffering, because until you are you won’t leap.

Surrender your expectations  Does this make you scared, uneasy that you have no control of what you want ‘that’s the ego if it does.’ …Surrender totally.

Really Edward, you know all of this. Stop wanting and start living. Be grateful.

Arrgh, my first response to this got eaten when Iexplore crashed...

Edward wrote:I dont know if actually is like this, but mostly I experience that outside and inside is the same thing, and then I have this mind that chatters endlessly and never gets satisfied, and I know that, if not always, but mostly it can manifest or attract things by intention or focus. And I feel bad about it, like I shouldn't be using this ability to manifest things, because it is ego manifesting, and that usually produces non-permanently-satisfying results.

It feels stupid to write here, because it is complaining, and I basically have everything that I want to have. But that is of material things, of powers, of siddhis, but for Gods sake how to make the stupid mind to shut the fuck up?

And still I know it's perfect. It's the mind. How to have enough compassion with the mind to be able to just let it be, just watch it and let it do it's thing, instead of getting afraid that it will get out of control and start manifesting bad things because of it's thinking?

Heh, its zebras again. You dont control the mind by trying to control the mind. You accept it, let it play and surrender what comes.

   It is perfectly natural to have desires and guess what? You always will have them! Someone completely without desire is nearly catatonic, apathetic and barely alive.  The buddha taught to be free from desire then went on to desire that all sentient beings become enlightened, and made up a bunch of rules that he desired his seekers to follow. So even he could not manage it... dont be so hard on yourself.

  But really it is not desire that is the cause of misery, it is attachment to desire, expectations hope and attachment to outcomes.  Desire itself is very human and important! Desire is what makes us creative, inventive. Desire invented the wheel and put a man on the moon! It is ok and natural to have desires, even fantasies, just keep surrendering what comes up instead of trying to repress your nature.

  It is perfectly OK to have what my friend calls "Happy pig dreams." The Goddess is a Goddess of abundance and our human creativity is a part of that.  It is attachment to outcomes, expectations that makes them into misery.  Enjoy your creative mind.

  For example, the other night I watched a show on Discovery channel about the diamond rush in the Canadian arctic. The show followed several people; from a couple of geologists out walking the tundra looking at rocks with high hopes and big pressure stress from thier investors, to a massive producing open pit mine ... ugly thing, looked like somebody dug the earth a new asshole.  I enjoyed a fantasy of going north and using my whooo psychic powers to find the big strike, the fantasy billionaire lifestyle of champagne, private jets and caviar... even imagined a photo of myself lying naked and covered with thousands of beautiful diamonds, like how Scrooge Mcduck has a room full of money to roll around in when he wants cheering up!  Rolling around in diamonds would probably be painful, so just cover me with them like rose petals and put me on the cover of Vanity Fair. Wooot!!

   It was a fun fantasy, I enjoyed it very much for its own sake, the pleasure of dreaming the happy pig dream, and then I surrendered it all!  I appreciate my monkey mind's happy pig dreams but I'm not going to let it rule my life. I Didn't think much about the humanitarian uses of the billions, because that would have made it more real and tempting.

  I looked at the other side too, my Shaman guide always shows me the opposites. Hiking over the tundra all summer and coming up empty, going home bankrupt and feeling foolish. Looking for the downside makes the surrendering easier.

  My creative ADD brain is always giving birth, and I surrender and keep surrendering 99% of its ideas and mostly only act on the ones that keep coming back... unless manifestation is quick and fun, then I might go for it just to enjoy the art.

  For example, on sunday night the "I am Canadian" group I belong to in SL got spammed again, and I got an idea to start a new one... and make a clubhouse for it.  I know there is no way I have time to run something like that and I hardly ever participate in the other group anyway... but it was a fun idea, creating a group only costs about 35 cents and I have room on the sim so I did it! Spent all night making a very cool skybox, log cabin on a lake Canadian weekend getaway with a nice campfire... forest sounds, beer in a barrel with ice and marshmallows to toast on the fire.  I called it the unofficial Canadian Embassy and put a moose head over the fireplace. It turned out really pretty. Especially at night, faces lit by the glow of the campfire and the flaming marshmallows... 

   I have no expectations, possible nobody will ever use it but I dont care... I've surrendered outcomes and expectations.  I completely enjoyed the manifestation for the sake of my own artistic pleasure in making a little piece of classic Canadiana in SL.  Surprisingly, it is getting visitors... two Canadians who dropped in, asked if they could get a double-double so I made one! Cup of Tim Hortons coffee with 2 cream, 2 sugar. It tickles me! two prims with a texture I made and some animations, a particle script gives a bit of steam, and I smile every time I think of it.  It turned out perfect. I don't even drink coffee...

   With surrender, I can enjoy the happy pig dreams, let the creative mind and ego do thier silly monkey dance for my amusement, knowing it is ok because I'm going to surrender it all anyway. I enjoy the fantasy for its own sake, with no intention of manifestation.  I can watch the luxury sports car commercial without judgement or resistance,  and feel the pleasure of leather seats and curvy mountain highways, and afterwards... Goddess take it!  (My little 1991 240sx  has got leather seats too, and its paid for. )

   So, don't be afraid to have fantasies; enjoy the movies in your head, be entertained by the monkey, just be clear with an intention that it is just a fun fantasy and surrender it all when you are done. Even if you are not clear, and catch yourself at the creative visualization just laugh at the monkey shenanegans and surrender it.  Dont resist it or beat yourself up. Desire is karma coming up too sometimes, and that is for surrender not judgement or resistance. 

   If you keep surrendering something and Goddess keeps giving it back, then you can give more thought as to whether it is really something you want to bring into your life. 

  BTW: the trick to romance is to give up on ever having a partner, and enjoy your life. That makes them come running!  Few find neediness attractive.

    Blessings!
   

This reminds me of a vietnamese guy I met in a bus when travelling from the northern part of Laos to the south. His eyes where sparkling like diamonds, and I immediately fell in love with him, not romantically. He told my that he'd been trekking in the Himalayas, got lost in a snow storm, and rescued the day after, barely alive. Apparantly he seemed to be enlightened, and it felt like that be around him. I asked him if he had no ego and no thoughts anymore. He said that he still had thoughts, but he was aware of them, and didn't care much about them. He was just happy to be alive, and seemed to be very worry-less.

I think (hehe) my problem has been that I've tried to surrender the thoughts when they are happening. Trying to suppress them, and then get irritated when they don't stop. So, after reading your posts, I don't surrender when the thoughts are happening, just let them happen, and then let go. New habit to be implemented in this brain software.

Actually feels pretty good. And if the fear of thoughts getting manifested arise, and I remind me that I have no intention to manifest them, and it will be as Goddess wills.

So it is much better now. Thank you Goddess.

After I wrote the initial post, I felt a lot lighter the morning after. Wrote it just before going to bed. I was simply fed up with trying to control the mind. Now, that is surrender! Getting fed up, and just let it be.

It reminds me, a few weeks back, when I was travelling between Copenhagen and Oslo, two times a week for two months: There is a "town" within the the city of Copenhagen. It is called Christiania (The Free Town of Christiania).
Basically it has been squatted by hippie-like people, and for a long time it has been like a "state within the state" with
open trade of pot. A couple of years ago the conservative city council of Copenhagen decided to demolish the Free Town and no longer tolerate the open trade of pot. They didn't like the hippes and the pot-trade. So the police started to raid the Free Town regularly until the pot-trade was brought underground. One evening when I was strolling around in Copenhagen after work, I "accidently" run into the Free Town of Christiania. I was delighted to discover
that the pot-trade was open again. The guys who were running the little stalls from which different types of marihuana were being sold, assured me that it was no criminal offence to smoke a joint as long as I did it within the boundaries of the Free Town. So I happily had one joint. On my way home, I got this experience again that the body moves by itself. During my walk home panic came over me, or the mind, and I got dizzy and paranoid. I finally managed to get back to my hotel and in to the hotel room. But that didn't help much, the mind was going on and
on, I was so dizzy that I didn't know what to do. Then I had this experience, I separated completely from the mind. It was like being physically tired of being involved with the drama of the mind. I was not able to keep up with the minds chattering any longer. Physically impossible. It was just chattering away with its uselessness, like a tape recorder in the background.

Same thing happed the weekend before my birthday. I was so drunk. When I started to care about the mind, I got dizzy and had to throw up, but when I was just resting in the body, the nauseous subsided.

I have bought this new alarm clock. It is called "Now and Zen". Instead of getting waked up in panic, and walk around like a shocked zombie the rest of the day, it gradually wakes me up by striking it's "gong" thing once, then it waites 5 minutes, then another "gong" and it continues like this with shorter intervals until it strikes the gong every 5 seconds. Usually I wake up after the first gong, and it's like waking up naturally. Then I do the grounding meditation, and if I fall a sleep again, the following gongs wake me up.

Either the clock, or the posting of the initial post, has improved my well-being dramatically.

Apropos desires, I think I'm gonny sell my apartment, and buy another one instead somewhere else in town. So I'm cleaning it up. I had a water leakage (the hot water pipe broke), and the wooden floor in
most of the apartment had to be changed. Luckily the insurance covered it, and now I have an apartment
with a very nice new (and free!) floor. Goddess works in mysterious ways. Came to think about it, most
things happen for the good. It only takes some time until one realizes it. First one must go through the shitty part (?) and the it gets good. Like, a few months back I lost my job again, due to the financial crisis (the company decided to shut down parts of it's business), but I luckily got compensated with three months salary, and within a month I got this nice position somewhere else. So the extra salary made me able to pay down my credit cards (which had been bugging me for years).

Now the post is getting too long.




Edward

Thanks for your replies, Dave and Mystress. You are awesome people!

Edward