This porn addiction. I use it to supress something.

I know when it started. One day, when I was around 13 years old. I came home from school, and there was no one
there. My mother was already in mental hospital, and my sister was taking care of the house hold and me.

There was just a big hole in the world. Later that evening two people came from the children welfare agency. They
informed me that my sister had tried to kill her self by swallowing sleeping pills and that she was in the hospital.

They wanted to take me to a house for youth, but I said no and said that I can take of my self. I didn't know what to do.

I was not sad. Numbed. So I sat down in front of the internet and watched porn for hours. Since then I have this
thing coming and going, whenever this restless feeling arrives I start watching porn.

And the cause before it, and before that. And every single thing it connected with.

You see, it disconnects me from my DB.

Goddess please take this. Thank you.

Hi Edward,

Please Goddess, send my mutual understanding and empathy to Edward, send him my love and light and help him to love this part of himself so that he can fully lift it from himself. Help him to embrace fear of the moment so that he is one with his restlessness. My heart go out to him, please help him as you have helped me with the exact situation.

Not my Will, but Thine be done. Thankyou. 

Hi Edward,

it would seem plausible that you kind of exiled your DB at that point.
Moms and their kids are usually in a power struggle for unconditional love and only dissapointment can ensue from where rash reactions can follow; radical sweeping blows.
Suddenly all kids are worth nothing, all moms and women of no use and DB may be the first in the row. What else can she do in exile than surfing the net for nude male flesh, the wounded paladin she has become. Not really reversed gender, of less use.
Then i think the idea of unconditional love works the other way anyway: not expecting it as service, but that the bliss is in giving. So i think it's up to us for ending that ill-fated love struggle and give our share in healing the planet.
I also believe that we will be the saviors of our parents(haha, it's too late for them to be our's).
Hope this may help in finding what to surrender.
We gonna make that race, ok
Juergen

Hi Edward,

When I used to get the urge to view porn, I asked my D.B...if this is not for my highest good please stop me from typing the URL address in. Every time I froze and couldn't move my fingers. I was then left will no choice but to surrender the feelings I was having. Their was no where for the ego to go. Ego got really pissed off, so it was easy to get a firm hold of it and surrender the whole thing.

For this to pass though, this part of you must be loved, and realize that you don't need this feed anymore.

The restlessness feeling for me was fear of the moment. Needing to control what was around me, if I had nothing to hold onto, viewing porn made reality solid again, and the circle of discontent continued.

Redirect the feeling to your D.B. Love her. Ask her to embrace you and dissolve your frustration.

I will pass...

Namaste!