So..... Finally getting round to posting this!  Already submitted it to Mystress who gave permission to post it.  posting it as an act of surrender and opening up as in the past 'I' have been quite personal and withdrawn.  Something my eyes were opened to during my initiation 

Hopefully someone might benefit or get a little inspiration from it!

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In the frantic search to validate my existence I have spent my entire life reading, asking, practicing and traveling to find answers.  One evening I was researching Tantra.  I remember clearly that at this point it had turned from a journey towards enlightenment to a desire to learn skills that will make me great in bed! During my search I was lead to one of Mystress’ sites.  My focus changed before I had even read anything at all.  My first lesson was that this Trantric road was not about learning ’sex secrets’ and pleasing others for my own gratification but rather turning inward and first learning about myself.  And so the journey began. 

It’s funny how you can spend years studying different religions and cultures but not even realize how ingrained you are in the one in which you we raised! I was patriarchal through and though and didn’t even know it.  My first introduction to Goddess was one that changed my life and perception of everything - permanently.  I felt odd about the idea at first because although I had stepped away from my Christian background I obviously still had ties that needed breaking.  In faith I stepped out and was rewarded with unconditional love.  No judging, no punishment, just love I really could not even understand.  I began to realise that I was wrong about many things.  I always thought that the troubles in our lives were tests from God to see if we were really faithful.  Then of course I discovered that Goddess does not ‘test’ us.  We simply create these obstacles for ourselves. 

I was beginning to think I was getting somewhere and that now I was smarter then anyone else and in a position to criticize others and give ‘good advice’  If only I remembered that the road to hell is paved with good intentions! If it were not for grounding I might not have moved much further in the course.  It was the first point at which my wife actually commented that there was a HUGE difference after I had been doing the grounding exercise.  For some reason I began to feel that she had much more potential then me and it made me hide things from her! I did not realise at the time that she could actually help me.  It was after opening the heart chakra I began to feel less insecure or really less bothered about it.  I felt a deep acceptance and began to give all the unwanted stuff to Goddess as a gift.  My intuition opened up and I listened to it.

I began reflecting back on my childhood and remember that most of it was a complete nightmare.  I used to see different beings flying around the room, experience premonitions and suffered from terrible panic attacks in which I thought I was actually dieing.  This went on for years and during that period I felt alone and totally isolated.  I remember discussing once with my mother about some of the patterns and colours I would see (all the time but especially in the dark) and I took her, my brother and sister into my bedroom were it was dark so they could see them too (these were not the entity’s and just patterns, the entities or balls of light/colour whatever they were had intelligence).  I will never forget being told not to be stupid.  I could see them! Why couldn’t they? It has never been dark for me.  Even in pitch black I am surrounded by colour, light and moving patterns. 

In later life I convinced myself that I had just created a small reality of my own to cope with the violence I experienced.  I remember being beaten with coat hangers, being dragged around by my hair and humiliated in front of people most of my preteens.  I cannot actually remember anything before school years.  The worst time was bath time.  I can’t think of a time in which I felt more vulnerable and believe me there is not much worse then being naked with soap in your eyes while having the hair ripped out of your head by the person closest to you. 





While grounded and looking inward I had a different view of these things.  I realised that the things I saw were not a coping mechanism at all.  It was my natural ability and something that over the years I had ignored in search of things ‘I’ though that I needed.  I began to learn to surrender, which seemed easiest after grounding.  I felt fuller and decided to forget about my past and move on with the course.  Was that really surrender? Lol.   

I then learned of my Divine Beloved and decided I wanted more then anything to meet her.  I sat in my chair and meditated on her.  Nothing! This went on for a while until one day as I sat just reading I fell into a semi trance like state and on my lap sitting in front of me was a woman gazing into my eyes.  There was no sound, we just knew what the other were thinking.  I felt a sensation of love, need, and I wanted to cry in her arms.  It ended abruptly when my wife opened the door and I snapped out of it.  For a few seconds I thought ‘shit she is going to see her’ and felt that I had cheated on my wife.  It was a very real experience that I have unfortunately not had since other then in dreams. 

Then for months came more intense heat in my lower back and up the spine.  I have had this happen for years now and never attributed it to Kundalini.  When I knew what it was easier to surrender to.  I’d randomly get cool breezes or flows specifically in my throat Chakra like a cool air flowing into me.  While talking to people at work it would just happen and it always put a big smile on my face. 

Not long afterwards I had a powerful experience in bed one morning.  I woke up to the sound of ringing.  Well two different sounds actually.  One was like a war siren and the other was like some kind of UFO whirring type sound.  I realized I could not move my body and I could see my wife who was asleep next to me.  I felt a very powerful force begin rising from my waist very slowly up my back.  I thought to myself ‘do I really want this?’ and immediately then accepted it and gave myself completely to it and Goddess in total surrender.  It moved right to the top of my head and I felt an immense pressure.  It then moved down again and then began rising once more.  The sounds seemed to be in sync with the pressure that was moving.  Then, just as quickly as it started it began to diminish and eventually stopped.  I immediately got up and wrote down the account.

At the time in addition to grounding I was also practicing Daoist methods of cultivation.  These dramatically changed.  What used to feel like heat or slight tingling in the hands was replaced by the sensation of having my arms plugged into the wall socket.  Incredible vibrations and electrical currents would run through me.  This eventually spread to my chest. 

Back in the Matrix (lol) I had gotten another job and decided to move from Vancouver to another part of Canada.  During this process all my training, grounding and my attention to FST stopped.  I ceased everything for a good few months.  I realise now that this was Goddeses will.  Simply because I had the wrong idea of what surrender really is.  Or at least I was practicing selective surrender.  When it suited me.  I was forcing the process and pushing for enlightenment.  When I finally opened my eyes to this, I experience a period of total change.  I became a different person completely.  I can’t even explain it but my wife wishes that I had stayed like that!  It was as though I was a woman.  I could connect with my wife so deeply and understand her and feel what she was saying.  We spoke like woman to each other even.  She even made that comment herself.  I actually felt like a woman at times!

My perception of everything was different.  I have always been very empathic, it is an obvious gift (sometimes was a curse!) but this was another level.  It was like I was directly connected to peoples minds and body’s.  For whatever reason this did not last.  It was an experience that I probably can’t relay the power of.  Since then I have been in total awe of women.  Not in a bad fearful way at all but I realise inside me the full power a presents of female energy.  I can see Goddess when I look in my wife’s eyes!! And in my daughters eyes! (I have three of them) .  I feel honoured to be surrounded by female energy J  I am a mere man!

As I got back into the course it was arranged for me to be initiated into Fire Serpent Tantra!  The experience was more then I expected too! It was a reminder that no matter how far along you think you are, don’t get cocky as there may still be some shit in your closet!  I really thought I had dealt with being beaten as a child and forgiven my parents.  But it came up and it came up big time. 

Mystress asked me to look at that child (me when I was a kid) and give him a hug.  When I closed my eyes I could really see him (me)! Holy shit… it was not a fuzzy image or a ‘minds eye’ type picture but he was really there.  I held him in my arms and looked into he eyes and told him I loved him and that he was safe.  He just smiled, he was not sad! But as I gazed into his eyes I realised that he was just a helpless child.  He just wanted to be loved and taken care of.  I began to weep as I could not understand how someone could hurt him.  The weeping became uncontrollable and I broke down completely.  It took a few minutes to get my composure but when I did and grounded myself I felt like a powerhouse of light. 

As the experience ‘sunk in’ over the next few weeks I spend time looking at myself in the mirror.  I could see the kid in my eyes and I fell in love with myself.  I realised that everything I see is a reflection of me.  What I think of others, people I don’t like, people I admire and love.  They are all that little boy.  We are all Goddess.  When I look at myself with unconditional love it is Goddess that looks back.  Of course I knew this already in my mind but then I KNEW it and it radiated right thought me.  For the first time the was love in the mirror staring back at me. 

I know that I am still human, I still do many of the same things.  But now I am more aware.  If I am focusing too much on something I know I am giving it energy so I can adjust.  If I take a breath and surrender I realise that everything is as it is meant to be in the world.  My focus determines my reality. 

The lessons that helped me the most were Matriarchy and Goddess, Grounding and The Witness State.  These lessons prepared me for everything else and helped shift my perception.  If I were to sum up the whole teaching in one word it would be surrender.  In fact I feel that is probably one of if not the most important attitude.  I don’t believe that I would have been able get to though without the base I got from grounding.

In this journey I feel I have completely changed but I feel the big journey is only really just beginning.  I am closer to my wife and she has completely changed too! I am grateful to Goddess, Mystress and Sigmund!. 

With deep love,

Jeremy

This is  a f***in' warming read, Jeremy!
Driven like crazy and being save,  who needs LSD?
Thanx!!!

juergen

Dear Jeremy,
thank you so much for sharing this, I was very moved, especially by your couirage to speak about your childhood.
Namaste,
Jen

... so glad to read about your successes, Jeremy.   The ones that didn't work for you as well as the ones that did.  I've enjoyed watching you unfold and align with who you are no matter where that took you.  Mazel tov on this milestone.  Hand on heart.