Something in SL, is not working for me.

   I want to remind people: support for Fire Serpent tantra is via this tea room, plus the occasional scheduled or spontaneous chat parties. Support is free, in chats and forum (and K-list) when others can benefit from the sharing. 

   If you want private, one on one attention, then pay the $$ and book a session.  That is how I work, it is what works for me.

   Those rules did not change with SL opening.. ok?  Just made it possible to have chats and private sessions there, plus the garden and temples and beach to enjoy on your own anytime.

  Gave me a fabulous new creative outlet for the magical art that is my bliss.  Glad to share the creation, see you all enjoying...

   Thought to let you know ...  that sort of magic, like this course... giving the Gateway up to Goddess diminishes the karmic feedback of the Shaktipat free for all, but does not take it away entirely.  That sort of magic requires a human vessel to move through so the body still has to process stuff.

   I am enjoying it, it is worthwhile to me and as time goes on I will refine the surrender of it and it will be easier to manage.  It is an additional weight on the daily karmic hygiene but I am ok with it. Not an issue because it is not personal, direct or real-time.

  Before SL I have never been so *available* to my students in real time and that was very deliberate.

  The goal of this course is to get you in touch with your inner Guru, discernment and Divine beloved so you become *self reliant* in your spiritual path.  If I am too easy to reach then people get lazy, they lean on me too hard, and I crash and burn out. 

   Even with this room, I read the posts every day, but I am sometimes guided to wait a while before responding, so the seeker has room to sort themselves out, and others can share and grow from it.

   You do not discover your own power and inner strength if  (duex et machina) the hero mystress swoops down like a God in a Greek play to solve all your problems. That is infantile rescue fantasy, not genuine spiritual growth. 
  My bliss is watching people growing... not in doing their growing for them. That just does not work.

  My goal is your empowerment, and it serves your empowerment for me to not be too easy to lean on, so you have to discover your own resources. 

  Enlightenment, ultimately is D.I.Y. (do it yourself) and I am not here for the Guru gig of carrying people who need to be learning to walk.

  There is no "win" in that. It is disempowering for the seeker and physically and mentally unhealthy for the Guru.

  Don't wanna be a Guru anyway, but I got the siddhis and also a Shaman with ADD.. ouch ouch ouch. 


  So being unavailable is for my own comfort too, what works for me.

   What really does not work for me, is what I have started to refer to in SL as IM Bombs (but they happen in local chat too) and I am fed up enough to have tried 5 times to write this post without it degenerating into a rant.  I think this time fails also but no more patience for trying again.

   I have attention deficit disorder and I am extremely empathic.  Shaktipat happens because my energy follows my attention, and I have an attention disorder of being distractable!!  Oy!!!  How much does that suck, eh? 

   Even for my paid sessions I ask people not to tell me what issues they want help with until the session starts. I am empathically receptive enough to take karma on just by reading about it, and it knocks me out of my body to a boundariless space where I cannot say no to what is asked of me, and can only deal with what is in front of me.

  What that means is an IM bomb or email of somebody's problems can knock me out of my body, take away my sense of time passing, cause me to become possessed by their karma and ego projections and derail me into being what they want me to be for them, sometimes for hours.  It is a misery.

   If I happen to not be in my body to start with, hanging in nonduality drawing inspiration directly from the Void as is often the case when doing something creative or interesting, then I am completely defenseless when it comes to defending my empathic boundaries and the resulting physical effects when the body takes the hits. 

   I know my vulnerability, and normally I do not use any IM services, my cell phone is usually broken, and my houseguest is surprised my home phone does not ring and I like it that way.  I have never had any instant access chat or helpdesk type options on my site for people to be able to reach me whenever they want, no 900 number, my business phone is reserved for sessions only.  I have a Keen line, but it is expensive to use and you have to jump through hoops, and I am rarely actually logged in to get calls. 

    ADD... I cannot handle the distractions, especially with the empathic Shaman sensitivity on top.  If I am too easy to reach then people tend to take advantage of my disability to get my attention and tell me all their problems,  often without even realizing they have me cornered and I am actually unable to escape or say no to them while my body freaks at the loss of boundaries and all the incoming karmic blockages that are not my own, get stuck on the physical, fill me and disrupt my own life flow.   After thewards I have to take the time to clear myself... and then I have to do some more art to express the raw creative energy that is the side effect before my thoughts get too powerful and I start getting accidental manifestations.

  Plus, whatever I was doing at the moment of interruption is lost, it can take months sometimes for me to regain focus and get back to it.

  I really hate the victimhood of it, but at this place of burnout I have to give the overload back and declare some boundaries. 

{snip}
   For those who want to tell me to take a vacation: I am. Headed off sailing with the fella for a week starting friday, and then a 3 day pagan fest.  I won't be around much until Aug 4th. 

   Thanks for listening. Blessings...
   

This post has been modified.  I decided to delete most of the repetetive ranting.  What a difference a weeks vacation makes!    Back to my joyous and blissed out self again. Whew!

I caused probably much mess yesterday... I'm sorry! Actually, after reading your post I feel good about my vomiting day  Because I asked my DB to REALLY take all my junk away from you.
I try to behave, eh, I will behave in the future AND I don't peek Armands profile ever ever again 

 
Mari;  I started writing that email days before your little... experiement with aspects of my consciousness... which is why the focus of my response was more about what you did than what you learned..

  but, yup.. those sorta ims, ...

  That one sort of blew me off my feet like a firehose, sort of scattered to the winds like a cloud of birds spooked from a tree.   It took me a couple of minutes to collect myself to respond WTF??

  You had a vomiting day?

   The raw energy of the portal guardain is kinda dangerous to a psyche.  Shamans like myself are trained from the cradle, to integrate it and many do not survive.  Took me a few months to even decide if giving him an SL identity was a good idea. 

   The pic of him I posted to this board was sorta filtered.. not a direct link.  I did not think to filter the profile because I did not expect anyone to see it when he/I was not around... let alone, deliberately invoke him.
   He is a ghost, not in search.

  When I manifested him to meet the group, I was really surprised at his gentleness.  Wondered at it for a while, because he is very harsh with me at times, says things that make my blood run cold. 

   Then I realized, duh... he was reflecting the group, and you are kind people. On the inside, he is reflecting me and I am a harsh bitch. Sigh.

I am a harsh bitch. Sigh.

Yeah!
Patriarchy couldn't stop You(And it wasn't meant to). It only made You stronger. Proving its absurdity to You, as it becomes obsolete,  that switch seems no longer available.
I believe that Armandt's male appearance is his mildest form. He's the same sex like Your Divine Beloved, so they may essentially be one and the same person, like a gaspedal has these 2 aspects of pushing down and toning down.
But the harsh bitch energy reflecting inside of You is certainly the feminine shakti('Feminine' simply since fems (can)have more of it).

I'm in awe but not utterly obsessed with You, knowing/feeling that it's essentially that energy.
Since resistance(patriarchy) is no longer an option, what remains us to do? - Playful growth with open eyes to achieve slowly a more and more open mind, like a wolfe's litter perhaps.(I "hate" people with an 'open mind', they never have).

One movie that gives an impression of "harsh bitch" is Russ Meyer's 'Faster!Pussycat", whose first part i'm coming from to see only a few hours ago, by pure chance of course.

Hehe, harsh perfection, Namaste!
juergen

Mari:
I will behave in the future AND I don't peek Armands profile ever ever again

Yeah - peeking;

I met a guy who related a story about peeking his wife and her friends at home when he returned unexpectedly and he took chances...

He was sooo upset! He found no words. He was so upset that he could only relate in the most common and vague terms what he 'd witnessed: Abysses!

Like in all classic peeking stories he made a noise so the women became suspicious...
"That must be the Peter", we better get him". He ran for his life, he climbed outside the house, putting his life in dangers unkown; and they didn't get him, not that time

Last time i noticed him he was in a mentally ill state of great distraught, his wife quite well; she had something bossing about her at about age 60, i never witnessed when she was about 40.

That's just what came to the mind, seeing Goddess in You,

juergen

Was going to post a question about a "problem" of mine but after reading this post I noticed that my life is quite good after all... Enjoy your holiday Mystress!

Br,
J

  Heh, sorry for the rant. Very repetetive I know. It built up over time and I needed to release it.  Glad I did.  Feel much better.

   Posting to the tea room is fine, because I choose when to read them, they don't jump out at me in the same way, plus there is the surrender intention behind this tea room which means it is half scrubbed before I even see it.
  I rarely do make use of the release spew aspect of it for myself eh?

   Sailing, yeah..   seeya later

Sailing trip: wind and water, elementary forces of nature ...
Great idea to get yourself back into balance again.
Ship ahoy and anchors aweigh!
Shaman shipgirrl, enjoy!

Juergen wrote:
Patriarchy couldn't stop You(And it wasn't meant to). It only made You stronger. Proving its absurdity to You, as it becomes obsolete,  that switch seems no longer available.
I believe that Armandt's male appearance is his mildest form. He's the same sex like Your Divine Beloved, so they may essentially be one and the same person, like a gaspedal has these 2 aspects of pushing down and toning down.
But the harsh bitch energy reflecting inside of You is certainly the feminine shakti('Feminine' simply since fems (can)have more of it).
One movie that gives an impression of "harsh bitch" is Russ Meyer's 'Faster!Pussycat",
Yeah - peeking;

   Thinking Armand and my DB as the same person shows a limited understanding of both. Neither is a person, both are archetypal forces.  The Divine Beloved is Goddess in form, Armand is the Portal Guardian in form.  In my visions they are great buddies, but they cannot be integrated.  The portal Guardian is the Shadow side of the psyche, that which we think we are not is part of the separation from All that is, and it is made of fear.  It exists as a reflection of your ego and the bigger the ego the scarier the guardian. 

   The portal Guardian represents different things on different levels.  In psyche terms it is the shadow aspect, but it is also the barrier between the ego and unconscious mind, and the door between life and death, or ego and enlightenment.  Its role is protective, similar to how your fear of death keeps you alive... (and he is that too.. he is death and the King of Hell... the underworld. Tour guide. )

  Reflecting your fear (karma) back to you *magnified* , keeps you from straying into the incredibly powerful and psychologically harrowing deeper realms of the unconscious mind: here be dragons... and great power for your thoughts to manifest. 

  Armand is not a person, he is a reflection.  The portal guardian reflects your fear back to you multiplied to keep you from going where you are not ready to go, and to show you where the unready bits are.  Diagnose your karma to 17 decimal places, "What evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows." 

   Now think: would you want to know? All of it? From everybody? Gets tiring, I tell ya...

  It is similar to the story of how an angel with a fiery sword guards Eden, and only those who are without fear (karma) may pass. You cannot bring fear into non-duality, you just get bounced back with chaos.

  What people do not understand about Armand, is that although he is all about boundaries, he has no free will of his own.  Demons take on all our sins... and I am a vessel of that because that is what it really means to be a Shaman.


   No, no kidding I am really not wanting people to do an end run around what flimsy excuse I have for free will and project onto him directly to see what the mirror reveals.   You can do that yourself, with the mirror game if you want to have nightmares for a few weeks... 

  I keep "death and all of your fears reflected" on the inside, usually because my training to deal with that started in my crib.   

  The member who hosted an FST weekend in Holland was perceptive, noticed that there were three in me: the Goddess, the vampire and the human.  The vampire is the portal guardian, boundary between the dual and non dual... what reflects your karma back at cha.  Fiery sword up the..

  Juergen... I do not "have" a Divine Beloved.  I am It. Sacred marriage= Divine Androgyne. The Beloved disappears, with realization and the end of separation.

   Funny thing in me, gifts and disabilities intertwined.  My notorious zen whacking stick posts mostly only happen when my empathy is overwhelmed and I have been  knocked out of body and it has gone into defiance disorder berserker mode with Armand writing the script to spew the stuff back. 

    What is even stranger, is the crapshoot ...,  or spectrum of whether you get a kind witness reflection or a sharp clawed berserker handing you back your karma along with most of your guts as a dinner fit for Kali when I am out of body,  is the degree of resistance to hearing the information.  Just like Kundalini, resist and it hurts more... for me too!!

  I had better get back to packing...

   Peeking, yes you were to pick some of those images out of my head. Or perhaps I was thinking very loudly...
        Blessings...

Mystress, thanks for your post about Armand. It took some time to answer, and I'm a bit puzzled still..

  You had a vomiting day?

Yes. I've had them regularly since K raised to my crown first time. When I was pregnant and breastfeeding there was a break. But this particular day pain in the power chakra was quite intense. I really dislike to throw up, but I feel clean and light afterwards. Usually it happens if I'm too negative about myself or my life too long. Or get stuck into other peoples problems.

   The raw energy of the portal guardain is kinda dangerous to a psyche.  Shamans like myself are trained from the cradle, to integrate it and many do not survive.  Took me a few months to even decide if giving him an SL identity was a good idea. 

   The pic of him I posted to this board was sorta filtered.. not a direct link.  I did not think to filter the profile because I did not expect anyone to see it when he/I was not around... let alone, deliberately invoke him.
   He is a ghost, not in search.

when I saw that there's a new name in the FST group my fingers just went clicketi click... although it came to my mind that could he be THAT Armand. Of course he was, but then it was already too late. I've been in troubles many times because of my tendency to do things like this... it's like a big dog who senses something and starts to run after it totally out of control.

When I manifested him to meet the group, I was really surprised at his gentleness.  Wondered at it for a while, because he is very harsh with me at times, says things that make my blood run cold. 

   Then I realized, duh... he was reflecting the group, and you are kind people. On the inside, he is reflecting me and I am a harsh bitch. Sigh.

He didn't say basically anything to me. When I looked at his picture, suddenly a cold chill went down to my core and my bones felt icy. Then I quickly closed the profile and started dealing with the energy. I've had worse fears before, but I was quite upset about what happened. I deliberately did something that could be destructive to my mind. When chill started to go away, my own issues came up. After few hours of dwelling in doomsday feelings I cried that what should I do with this? I don't know how to solve this! I don't want to project this outside anymore. I suppose I surrendered to it. After that Armand started to seduce me. Although I don't think it was him anymore, I suppose it was my own Shadow Lover. It was hot... Soooo hot. My shadow is a wierd place. My male shadow surrenders to my femside, because she's even worse than him... He has been around from the beginning of my K path. This mysterious seductive terror. Well now I know at least that I'm cabable of feeling enormous sexual pleasure, and that I melt if a male aware of his own power surrenders to me... I'm dominant, I already knew it although I've tried to repress it all my life. But how it feels when man surrenders...
I'm happy that I'm not a shaman!!! I'm an dominant sadist though... I learned it finally, all the time I've been afraid of my own reflection. Hell Yeah, now my earlier victims to whom I so eagerly and full of paranoia projected these issues seems like an innocent angels just trying hard to awake me. I have to figure out how to live with this. I haven't met so many men who want me to dominate and I'm not so good at it either, all those years repressing my dominance.
I don't understand what's gonna happen with King of my own Hell? I've had an idea of marriage with him many years, and I wasn't so open to that before. Now when I was in bed feeling terrible in my belly I gigled with him in my head. Now that's scary too, because I find myself thinking if I dare to have fun with THIS then I'm going to be in even bigger mess eventually. Dunno... where is my Twin Soul? Or is my true husband my shadow? iiiiiiikkkk No, it's my fear talking. I have to integrate my shadow, that's what it is? Shadow truly is an interesting place, if I take small doses at a time. My sexuality is there, yeppee I have to dig it out.
So I found good stuff. I thank you if you helped me because it went smoother than I first thought, with good insights! I had intense dream life for a few nights, but nothing more.

A bit off topic, but how to continue studies with you Mystress? FST2 isn't coming? I understand that rewieving FST1 lessons, private sessions from time to time and participating Tea Parties works extremely well too!