I guess ill start here. I feel bad for posting all my innards out here in the tea room. I mean how can you drink tea to this...

But ive read a lot of stuff here and found it extraordinary. So im going to take a leap of faith. And honour everyone here who has bared their warts. And share some of mine.

Karma coma - Jamaica in Roma
wha?


I have karma that i need to get clear to be happy and myself again. (need - ego word?) When i was young about 11, i remember becoming shy to situations that would involve feeling the centre of attention from a group of people. If suddenly all eyes and attention, were laid on me, i will get really shy, and jumpy. Feeling like a deer in headlights. It even spread to being with my family at the dinner table. It was crushing and still is. Eye contact can be tough.
I clam up around people too, i can't express myself as my heart desires. I think drug abuse helped it too, the paranoia of using weed to much, becoming too familiar with that energy... But i can be very charming and warm at other times. Really that's the part of me that i want back.
I feel like ego is trying to go crazy and control it all (being around other people), but it's nuts, i am never relaxed these days...I feel i'll face some sort of self destruction in front of other people, perhaps something is trying to get out and die?

   I think im quite empathic, but i am not picking up subtleties right now, just pile-ups...
      But ive accumulated such, that i am a freakin 5 star hotel luggage porter,, Yes you want it i have it, from all parts of the globe, and big and fd up lol.

These feelings dictate my life to a large extent.
I saw a psychic lady about this and she told me that it runs in the male side of the family, which id say is true. But to me it is far more intense.
So it shuts me down, and over time has become almost unmanageable. I also feel that my cousin may be suffering from it too, though i havent known him in a long time. He is in a very bad way, violent to his father and family, throws knives, then wont talk about it/forget, totally flips out. I just have a faint wonder whether it is related. That would include all males of that side.
(I don't throw knives, just small children....jk)

Also i don't know myself. I haven't really been happy in ages. I am so heavy these days.
I think i could easily be 'hanging out in the higher chakras'
I have a real problem with jealousy, exclusive to sex and fidelity. And i have issues about standing on my own two feet and being independent. It's been a rocky few years.
My mother cheated on my Dad with my Dad's friend who was living with us in our house.
It's always an issue in relationships for me, although i have found the idea a turn on at the same time. Especially with the woman i see now. But i resist that because it crushes me to think of her with another man...
My most highly charged sexual fantasies involve having someone unfaithfully, because i think i have discovered, it feels like the person your with must really WANT it to do it, to risk it, so it feels like a more intense expression of love..But i get jealous really easily of the woman im with, if she is being charmed/turned on by someone else especially if i feel i cant do that for her. (see above - ouch big twist).


So in laymans terms this fear, whatever it is and wherever it has come from i need to get through it, i need to stop suffering.. ( need = an ego sign??)
I can't ground because i don't look after myself/care for myself first.
I feel i'll only do that when i feel of worth. And how do i feel that?
I don't feel of worth because i feel like a fn looser with these feeling i have around others.
(/ego section??)

Im sure ive met my DB, and that she showed me a new grounding method, and being with her, i felt i was walking on clouds for the next day. It was all in dreams, but very succinct, clear moments in dreams. She has taken the form of one of my brother's ex-girlfriends. Im pretty convinced. If not, ive really got to give that girl a call, lol..


I have a lot of anger inside me, and a lot of masking, shielding, and avoiding/deflecting energy. I think i spend most of the time out of the body. I think..
I feel almost like an untouchable member of society when i have these shy feelings. Whilst at other times i am coming from the heart without shit in the way, and im warm and always happy, but it's to do with being in control, or just feeling free. As soon as im part of a group/someone else's timing/something, i feel shackled..

Grounding is really hard to do.  So much crap racing around me. Really just feeling secure anywhere on this Earth.
I have a sort of blackhole in me, that when it holds sway, it can sink anything it touches into despair! Sounds heavy, but it is. It's prescece is there. It feels like it will corrupt everything i touch. And perhaps it is shakti energy, and im kicking my own ass by resisting? Scary and sometimes holds sway.  Sometimes i feel like an energy is trying to get up my ass.. But i resist.


I began searching the internet years ago, trying to find answers to the strange things that i have seen/been a part of. So i am going to write them here. (I never found any answers, a few correlations in stories though) so be warned it's just 'stuff', but i've always wanted to know if someone could go ahhhhh...yes  ..
I grew up in a haunted house, a ghost would walk above my room at night, sometimes months straight, sometimes nothing, but over all the years i lived there. As i grew older things became stranger.
I really wanted to meet aliens, and i think i asked for too much. I saw a ufo quite close, and it all came to a halt one night when i got really freaked out (after a beautifull very peacefull state of mind) and i pushed it all away, I said come back when im 30 something..lol, (im 29, i was 17 at the time). I asked whether or not many of the 'strange occurences' were due to aliens. And if yes to answer with a lightning bolt.. Well after i asked i felt incredibly peacefull, so peacefull that it felt incredibly powerful. But then there was a flash of lightning a second later and i 'freaked out'.....
I lived with a lot of fear after this last 'event' and really slept badly for months at a time, because i was scared of the 'a' word.
I feel i can access this very intense unconditional state of love, but i do freak out and fall down.

And there is a side effect, like the sky lights up briefly. Wierd..
I remember one night laying in bed i was creating music in my head, and after a little while it took on it's own life, and i just became a listener. It soared higher and higher, and i experienced unconditional love, ecstacy. I felt a pipe over my right torso, start pumping energy into my stomach, it felt good and fulfilling, but it cut off, just shy of a complete job, and the image of a little mole sitting under a tree flashed in my minds eye.(in a sort of children's book context)...entity? i always guessed that..But i don't feel stable enough to take that stuff on yet.

Also i saw a psychic lady who told me she erased my past life memory for me. (because it was so traumatic) This is not good imo, can someone offer council on that?

Just stuff, but i want to share. I've never really shared my inner self, and i feel cautious doing it.
Ouch. That wasn't easy. I feel foolish. but..


Thanks for reading.

Hi Lexx, Namaste!

I feel like ego is trying to go crazy and control it all (being around other people), but it's nuts, i am never relaxed these days...I feel i'll face some sort of self destruction in front of other people, perhaps something is trying to get out and die?Huh

i want to refer to my recent description of the density anomaly of water:

Quote
The density anomaly of water is a good example how wisdom evolves in an abnormal seeming way:
On cooling down, the water sinks at first to the ground for the greater density of cold water; approaching 0 Celsius it becomes lighter again and turns into ice on the surface; thus providing that a sea don't freeze from the ground and the lifeforms overwinter under a protective ice-shield.
So it seems things will have first go down to the ground(also a Mystress phrase i know it).

As the lake is full of cold heavy water, it begins to freeze on the surface; the cold water on the surface is the same as near the ground and still: it isn't.

You try to go back to happier times, but there is no way back, at least none without "toe stubbings".
For the most part you are Infinity, that is: cyclical, and the worldly part has to follow. Of course this is mirrored by your surroundings(relatives with similiar traits in similar situations, ghosts, aliens...).
What i believe, is that a life in separation comes to a point where separation is no longer a realistic option. So you can no longer measure up to the expectations of those who can still enjoy the illusion of worldly power(which is based on taking advantage of all kinds of pain:"the toe stubbing effect", physical vulnerability).

Because, these ghosts and aliens who suffer from separation like you do, are attracted by your own suffering.

But it is the cyclical world where real power exchange happens, with love and bliss. Which i believe is reflected in Mystress's grounding exercise(s).

And also between the conscious and unconscious mind(Divine Beloved) : For me the cycle is described by: "She conditions what She eats; She eats what She conditions".

It is not very detailed yet, but it helps me overcome the first inhibition in the dejected power chakra, by lighting that "match stick".

Another way of looking at it, is by the picture of a theatre ensemble: I am that whole ensemble and the whole theatre also, and of cause the audience too(where separation ends, i am infinite). And i am that special actor(a legend indeed ),  who plays that character role, which illusion may interpret as a looser. Then during play i get more and more attached to that role and give attention to that looser thought, until it gains power. And before i know it, fists are flying in a battle with the snobbish hero figger of the piece

This is not to say that i believe in general submissiveness towards people. But in the cycle of Infinity i certainly do have that part or role which is humble, though not powerless(while my conditioner is not humble-less in return).

Well what we are going thru now, may all be quite new, even on a global scale, and the first expression that comes to the mind is "great honor", "exciting thing", "dream role", or the "long awaited operating temperature".

Shure, old habits will still occur, but we treat them as "old notoric customers" who have  principally been detected, and who are welcomed for a final farewell.

Thank You for sharing this!

Juergen

Hi Lexx.  Don't worry.  It's ok to share....even the yuckys.  You are among friends here. I could say a lot about all this stuff but something is telling me, keep it simple.  So, some simple advices:
Just accept yourself, yuck and all.  I still like you, even if you freak out and fall down sometimes!  I dont care. I even think that's kind of cool and punk rock, in an Iggy sort of way.
I myself was freaking out bigtime earlier today. I could make a big ugly list of all the stupid crappy embarrassing stuff i have done in my life.  Most of my good friends in this life would be considered by many to be totally freaky and weird. Big deal, so what?  Accept it and wear your weirdness as a badge of honor. 
There are lots of ways to clear out stuff, tons of techniques, if you cant do it "yourself" you can get on an expensive piece of technology and it can clear your traumas for you.  Or you can meditate, do martial arts, or most yogic of all, simply do nothing and just let goddess do! LOL. Whatever works, do that, that's what I believe.  If you cant seem to do any of the techniques then maybe its the right thing to not do anything right now. 
Aliens...hey...what if you yourself are an alien, or i am an alien, and we don't even know it?  Then, does the idea of aliens seem a little less freaky?  Your peaceful reaction makes me feel, there is nothing to fear here. 
The past lives thing:  reclaim it if you want it!  If you feel there is a past life of which you mistakenly surrendered knowledge, then go out and get it back!  Don't give your power away to some psychic lady.  Whats yours is yours to reclaim,  Do a ritual, set an intention, the method is unimportant, just know it is yours and that you have the power.
You are in charge of your life, Lexx, even though it doesnt feel like that sometimes when you feel like your baggage is running your life.  Try to see what is behind that, try to see the slim silver thread containing the essence of *you* that remains untouched and intact while running through all your experiences.
namaste,
Jen

Thanks for the responses. I just want to show my appreciation, i have to fly, but i will come back later and post a reply. It has helped sharing this, and i thankyou very much for your responses, Namaste!

P.S. I don't literally freak out and fall over lol.

I feel there is a black hole, where my concept of 'God' should be.. I think that is resistance..
Ill be back.

Love to you all, thankyou!

Thanks Juergen and Jennifer.
             Self love is hard. Discovering demons is traumatic, but listening to them is healing.
I seem to make life really hard for myself, by neglecting parts of myself. I think i attach too much to my ego image, and that has been ruling me for a long time. I have hurt people around me, and shut out those who love me. I recently felt the knowledge 'we create our reality' come to life in me, i stopped reacting and started acting, and it cleared some space for me.
Basically im just plugging away at letting myself ground properly, and all the stuff coming up, i find it so hard to let go, because the mind says "blablabla!!", and i forget the part of me that is releasing. I really have a hard time letting go,, damnit!. And the relationship i have had has been dissolving away these boundaries but at the cost of loosing her. I think i may have pushed her away for the last time. It seems my tears over this woman are helping me learn surrender and 'goddess has it handled'. How do you know if you have met 'the one for this life'? Is there such a thing?

Thankyou for the love and support.

I really have a hard time letting go,, damnit!

haha! Just look at those fangs

The dog barking along the fence or chain at people who don't concern him; inspite of my cat-mask, i had to learn, that it's me too nonetheless; it's obviously about fake territorial fights. The illusion, is an illusion of concern where no concern really is: nothing to control! Control comes from somewhere else: Goddess having it handled. Still i fall in those old habits which is usually associated with social conformity; -- but, something tells me, blaming  society for my relapse, is boredom, squandering. I agree here is the territory for activity; it seems so simple: choosing the fine wine instead of supermarked piss, and yet...

Let's not block Goddess from removing that ole feeding bowl; or otherwise we can't complain that supply stagnates

Here i feel like seduction(of the fine wine) comes into play, that we actively let unfold its charms(Her charms); enraptured imaginations; of the right gadges with the right buttons and the intuition to know them from source; of being rightly in touch with the right mate: Her irresistible gaze toward an area near my belly button, and whatever may be found and work...

From here it should be easier to let the piss go, also easier to become aware of un-grounding.

It seems my tears over this woman are helping me learn surrender and 'goddess has it handled'. How do you know if you have met 'the one for this life'? Is there such a thing?

I think also here(as always) solution comes from Goddess and Her intuition; but i admit it's a favorite area of firm attachment and i seem to be sharing with you; but it gradually loosens, which is an agreeable energy shift. I used to be jealous of people who share an exclusive somewhat intimate communication, though i even didn't have the least relation to any of them! Last night i had a dream of personal growth with really satisfying communications, and that mentioned jealousy theme was outspokenly gotten rid of.  Shame shame, when i got rid of it, i must have been attached to it

So i'm really feeling to be on a good path, that we are on a good path, here.

Heehee: the last water of cooling down to 0 Celsius is the first to freeze(become crystal), the last shall be the first, the last are bitten by the dogs(or wolfes)
(sept:je ne pense pas souvent , huite: et vous?)

cheers, juergen

Thanks Juergen,
I seem to have my own personal thread here, hope that's ok

Learning to let go and ground is my biggest challenge right now.
I don't seem to have the 'breakthrough's' that others have although i have had them in the past, i have just resisted. I really do resist a lot! Crikey....! Why why why...
I want to let go and jump off a cliff - so to speak.
When we look for beauty/love do we first look outside of ourselves? Or in perceptions devoid of that, do we just let go and the love/light is accesible once again? I think that must be it. Forgive me if i am beating a dead horse...
Is that what lies behind all our karma,, beauty and love?
I feel i have resisted so much, i've blocked off so much light, and i am having a hard time finding that piece i have and breathing life into it again.
Im very lonely, and frustrated, do i just 'let go' and accept that? Is the pre-requisite to this, an appreciation for the divine? Or do i just say 'f it' here i am! lol.
Thanks again.

I remember the first time, when a woman, a senior colleague, told me that i obviously couldn't let go, and i hated that expression(She was not overly  popular in the field, and by someones judged as egoistic).

I was about 20 then, when i had even started exercising a bit with autogenic training, but "letting go", nooo no! It was by 180 degree the other direction of what i considered right.
Certainly a crazy female concept, that a straight right male wasn't up to understand anyway.

Today i believe that a man won't earn a lot of laurels in the field of love, if he can't give in to the woman, i mean it's the man who needs to get erect, not the woman
The conscious ego mind tends to oppose it. - but the shakti energy is not for nothing called 'sexual' energy. And the way i see it: in the process it's the male who has to surrender to this attractive energy. An allusion to the holding of the throat to the victorious animal is not that far fetched. Something has to go down in order for something to go up.
However the instinct is boycotted by the conscious mind. It works as a blockage against 'unbrideled animalistic sex'. So there is an inner battle, in which surrender/'let go' has to be conquered. Those who have, are at the same time admired and spewed at. It leads to another culture.
Slowly, the anti-intellectual() term 'let go' has filled with flesh and attraction for me.

(Erotic) hypnosis may also be an experience that can help, women seem to have a natural talent for being hypnotic if it isn't suppressed; and you can encourage them, just by acceptance, even and especially by inward acceptance(the outward manifestation then follows naturally).

Crystals have an effect as well, so does the sun reflecting on water, not to forget the attraction toward the center of the earth with her crystal heart.

One statement has touched me particularly, when Chopra is saying, that all this whole universe of infinite time and extension and variety is happening for this sole moment that you are just in. Tugging you into bliss...

feeel now how heavy youhhhh becommmmme -+,\,..?

So to be quite straight..
I haven't been doing the grounding 8X a day. Ive had many chances to, but i haven't. I have been more intent on living in my own world of crappy suffering. Very attached to it really. I've been giving my power away habitually, and giving in to feelings of hopelessness.
When i wake up i usually feel the power seeping away, and draining energy out of me..  To ground just brings up all these feelings and emotions, and usually just stops me from getting grounded at all. Feelings of energy akin to vomit.. Not nice energy, something i want to vomit out.. I also identify with my karma, which i know is wrong.. But it's hard not too. Especially when you are used to giving your power away..
I came to this course to overcome my limitations, to grow. Because life had become very unpleasant.
So i know what i have to do. And that is to be grounded all the time, and anything that gets in the way of that is just saying "surrender me surrender me!!"
I have a lot of energy bounding around inside me, i feel i need to get a tummo initiation to clear me up a bit. Is this wise?

i feel i need to get a tummo initiation to clear me up a bit. Is this wise?

For reasons i don't really fathom, and which are probably unreasonable , i haven't gone through a tummo initiation yet, but i ascribe this mostly to my  blokeheadedness(with a secret hope it might be good though, at some point).

But as far as i understand it and am tinkering around it, it may be well indicated for you actually(heehe 'power seeping away': must be a power chakra thing! - Nausea too.)
All those guys her render positive reports, so yeh! i think it's wise.

Where I lived as a child, one had a wide view to an industrial area down in the Rhine valley, with one a very special smokestake: an ugly long cylindrical thing, with an "eternal" flame at its end! Like an outlet of hell, a bit of scary in the night, as if it was the best one could do, to burn away that "nasty stuff", what ever it was.

Indeed i believe an "intact" power chakra is the key("a conditio sine qua non", an absolute necessity) to properly grounding, as it is  the center of breath. No bad idea to have there a nice warm fire at the solar plexus, right?. You won't want to go to a date with a broken down power chakra, right? - Dating, that's just what grounding is about for me: a visit of erotic places with that certain heartbeat - where the  atmosphere is thick and sultry, a passion, which i won't describe with "happy sex". So it doesn't contrast -in my case-, with "blue moods".

I don't know, it may depend on expectations one may have, about grounding.
Few would define it as a seduction by a dominatrix, evil along common terms; being seduced by an irresistible force, who doesn't ask much for your opinion.
Just the One you need in crappy sufferings. The One who makes you fall into grounding, falling down and falling up, a "despicable hypnotic force".
Enslaving you.
So there is no need for feelings of hopelessness, 'cause you are already down; the only option, is to enjoy it.
(Chuckling listening me speak, like someone floating on a carpet of lusty blackness).
I understand your situation quite well, facing stuff can hurt a lot, but it's a value in itself that you are facing it, and the ache will pass away; You are just learning to deal with yourself, a luxury the fewest can/do afford.

But these are just a few personal impressions of a beginner, s.o.  like yourself.

Hehe, Sigmund has the best reputations...

Yes, power yourself up!

Just adding to my post, some progress.

Been full of resistance for years and years, to the point where i can barely function as a human being.

So i feel powerfull heavy feelings over my body swamping me and dragging me into heavy sticky negativity.
Like im in a bag and i cant break out to start bringing in the light.

So i said "Ok its bad!, cmon how bad can it get," And i imagined it being worse, instead of trying to look for a way out, i decided to start trying to imagine it even worse. And hey i found a fingerhold, surrendered it, and really did think about something else. A mini break through. These heavy feelings come from a subtle place, almost before thoughts are formed, they seem to hijack my thoughts, a wedge between me and reason.. what does this mean? Coming from the lower chakras? I know my power chakra is shagged...

I also have fears related to seeing a ufo, and believing that 'aliens are out there' and have power over me, since i felt i had some interaction. And every now and again i am given the oppurtunity to face that, again last night, but i couldnt go through with it.. I woke up crying because im so alone.... Ahhh..

I want to surrender all my shitty karma, and get through this. And i want to share progress on the boards here rather than go into ungrounded rants and raves.

Once you believe in the illusion of separation you are in a power struggle either as a monster or as a mouse. Whatever the strategy, separation is not the point of power, although it loves to play with the muscles; the power obsession originates in the lack of power. Not the glory of Goddess, but the glory of a single person to whom all power is accumulated. See The Matrix movie for instance.
The light above and below are 2 additional Chakras in the FST System, which means You are that. You are the light and need not bring it in; you only make a change or changes.
Alien is also such a separistic term, as if it were a major difference if a being were from Earth or from Sirius. There is a lot of attention for nothing and the media even fuel the hysteria. By focussing attention at things(looking intensively) you can create anything, for instance your own horror; if you have emotions with something, that is also attention to it.
No matter if You try hard to ignore or keep analysing your terror: the Karma is kept by attachment; The evil system brainwashes us, ok, but the evil system is a collective manifestation of ego, and we need not to conform with it or contribute to it. The glory is in the whole of a serpent's scales not in one particular scale, and to look at it this way is a way to overcome separation.

The same is for the wedge between you and reason; as long as we attach to such beliefs of separation, no wonder if we get it. There is not bag to break out.  Our imagination is where we look to and we get what we see. That's where the attention goes. And manifestation follows.

First step is not to get an ideal world overnite, but to stop to give attention to fuquing nitemares, ghosts, chatter, hauntings, any creep which comes in a disguise of meaningfulness(for shrinks to analyze). Which is not to say that nothing has meaning.
You need not to become the great Zampano for other folks, but within that certain range where those hauntings occur, go for it! Be DA Man! The 9Chakra giant -- Goddess as a man.
Of course these things are hard to believe since we live in represantative democracies and support widely illusions that the right way aligns with majority votes; and the shrinks with their predilection for analyzing and theorizing are the majority in this field, and would tell something totally different.
In 10 thousands of terms 
But that's also ok.

And hey i found a fingerhold, surrendered it, and really did think about something else. A mini break through.

Ya, goode!  Be DA Man!
Juergen