Felt a need to express my gratitude for what has been an emotional 3 days for me...

Was welcomed and invited to sit within a tea house circle in S.L. After listening for awhile, enjoying discussions on several topics I asked the group if I could ask a question about my Divine Beloved.My question was that I have hear her voice but not yet felt her touch...why was it taking so long for me to see/feel her. I was not prepared for the answer I got (ungrounded me for awhile) after delving a bit the Mystress asked me to ask my heart mind what sex my D.B. was....I did and the answer was male ( I was a revered gender person!) she calmed me down and asked me to ask the heart voice if my ego was male....the answer was no. I had already asked this question, as a matter of fact, when I did the lesson and my D.B. was female, the Mystress said I was probably told what I wanted to hear. How I see it, being in a that powerful circle, really grounded me, so I had a more reliable answer, that my D.B. was male.

Well its been an emotion few days, took on board the direction the Mystress was discussing before my question about my D.B., which was spiritual company...so I got grounded and connected all my chakra's at once, my feeling was one of clear, transparent awareness ~ felt that I was comforted in euphoria.

Asked my D.B. to hold my frightened child male ego across from me, whilst I held the child myself comforting and embracing what was being released...the old fears and emotions. (Thanks for this advice Sigmund) Asked Goddess to to give me the words to encourage the release. I started to speak without thinking, words just came out...I said, if I recall them corectly, there is no need to be frightened anymore, free yourself, be free live your life together, it beautiful in this vessel...wow, cold feeling ran up my spine surrounded by bright sparks bursting surrounding me with love.

The release went on with a pattern, originating from my 2nd Chakra, I started to get hot and shake, on every peak of each shake I felt the emotional content rise up in me, which brought tears at times...added gratitude to my awareness, this kept me calm and together...had to show my child ego that it was safe to venture out, safe beautiful environment to now live in. Talking all the time, reassuring, thought each wave.  It hit a crescendo with pain in my neck and head, then the tornado started, felt like my head was going to twist off!, then I fell into calmness...thanked my Male D.B. and thanked Goddess...then another wave would start, the processing continued. My whole body felt extremely hot whilst this was happening.

Each seesion I got grounded, did the ritual then asked my D.B. what sex it was....1st day: Male it said. 2nd day: male...but you are doing well it replied, the child is interating, its head is poking out to see if it feels safe. 3rd Day: Almost female the reply was, asked my inner light if this was true...said yes, all that is needed is for you to show gratitude, thank your Male D.B. for looking after you when things got tough. So with all my heart and in a bowing posture of submission and gratitude I thanked my Male D.B., soon I did I felt it dissolve, I was prompted from somewhere to say....female D.B. please join with me, said this several times...and she introduced herself.

Sitting here, looking what I have just typed and saying to myself, is this bull shit (ego deception), did I really repair myself...well the answer from my inner light say's that its real and yes I did it.

Words can't express how I feel...just so moved by this experience.

When I now look back at some situations in my life, when I lashed out, or dropped into a big hole out of fear, shying away form stuff...looking at the same situations with the wholeness I have right now, I am shown from somewhere, that I would have reacted differently now...the fear has gone

Truly grateful for the support and advice that was given from all in the tea house circle...

So pleased to be here,

Thankyou

Dave/Connah

great acts!

Goddess is real and almighty!
What's next?

Connah introducing you to yourself? Whatsoever, the veil seems to have received  a decided hole.

Keep the canons firing

Juergen

Yeah....amazing what S.L. manifests.

One of the first things that came to my mind was...Juergen sensed this about me earlier...remember in my first ever posts

Just going with the flow... open to what ever comes next

Cheers...

Hi Dave,
thank you for sharing your story, it was very moving to me.  I too would like to express my gratitude for the tea circle. That satsang is a huge blessing. I learned so much about myself by being there.  Unfortunately I had a major computer crash so I apologize to all for my seemingly sudden exit....actually it was really funny, I thought we were all just meditating in silence for a while until I realized I was crashed.
What I learned about myself that day, is brought up for me again with what you are describing in your post.
I too have incredible pain from childhood abuse.  Recently (in the past 9 days) this has surfaced, before it was repressed.  But in many ways I have felt this pain all my life.
I remembered how I came to spirituality out of a basic desire to escape pain, and how I felt I needed lots of shakti to clear out all my junk.....and that escapism created resistance and turned my surrender processes into resistance, because I was doing them to avoid pain.
Thank Goddess, Mystress would not  go along with my shakti-dependant plan and encouraged/ required me to find my own way.
Now, I feel instead that, "the only way out is in".  For me the only way to get through the pain and stuck energy from the abuse was/is to accept my condition,  accept any sensations that exist pleasant or unpleasant, and tune in to my body without judgment to allow it to let go.  This is what I do every day now to deal with the overwhelming memories of abuse. I do not have visual flashbacks but my body remembers what was done to it and tells me with sensations.  I saw right away it was too much for me to handle, and asked goddess to handle it for me, that his how I am getting by one moment at a time.
Instead of surrendering to get rid of something, I now surrender to the feeling of it and simply allow.  Allow it to persist until It is done.  I do not focus on it, I just allow. And at the end of that, it surrenders naturally.
It's okay.  I don't feel happy.  That's all right.
Anyway, I think your story is beautiful, it made me cry and I respect your courage to go through this process of clearing. The hugs and comfort you give to your wounded child are very real, and I believe they can cut through our perceived barriers of time and space. I agree with you, it sounds like you have made a quantum leap...IMHO.
Thank you for sharing, Dave.
Namaste
Jen

Thankyou for sharing. I am struggling with the process of surrender. Often resistance disguised. Thankyou for sharing your experiences.

Maybe a bit, when we were talking about naughtiness.

Parents can be a pest if we make them our positive or negative gurus.
Like Confucius says: "to become the master imitate the master"; but that's a prescription for plagiarism    ...and a lot of conflicts with wya.

So let's rather learn from the guides and teachers instead of to mimick them!

Just let vibration have Her work on us.
good skips!

Juergen