... where is it? The way forward?

Goddess you know I'm scared shitless of you, I'm not sure why, but if sexual energy and you are the same then I guess my past is a perfect explanation. But you know what do I do about it?

A couple of days ago I pleaded with everything I had for you to help me get over my past and to be able to surrender myself to you.

Since then I've felt a kind of courageousness I've never felt before, though fleeting and seemingly unaccessible at the moment, it was there. Also you gave me some hints.

When waking up (a couple of days ago), about an hour after falling asleep, feeling horny in a way I usually crave I was speechlessly happy. Taking the opportunity into my own hands, upon reaching climax everything went into nothingness and I felt my self being compressed into a small sphere of pure _sex_. It was wonderfull, thank you!

A very intriguing experience which I've never even read about.

I realised I didn't need to look for sexual energy outside of myself. Wonderfull inspiration, thank you.

You see the thing I'm wondering about is how can I continue, from where I am, to shed my past, mold into something more accepting of you. You give me experiences like this one(Thank you again!) and then I run around thinking now everything will be alright, peace on earth and the hot babes will be mine.

Of course I crash and burn everytime. Though I realise this and let go of my attachments and need for control. I wonder how can I help you help me, without so much crashing and burning?

Love,

/Samuel

You see the thing I'm wondering about is how can I continue, from where I am, to shed my past, mold into something more accepting of you. You give me experiences like this one(Thank you again!) and then I run around thinking now everything will be alright, peace on earth and the hot babes will be mine.

Of course I crash and burn everytime. Though I realise this and let go of my attachments and need for control. I wonder how can I help you help me, without so much crashing and burning?

Hi Samuel,

How I see it is...if you make a big deal about your experiences you disconnect from Goddess by how you rightly said through your attachment to them. See the experiences as ordinary and natural and then dissolve into them and be them...its the intellectualizing of them that is the problem, trying to remember, trying to repeat the experience, your can't that the thing, everything is always new and fresh...it having faith in letting go, see life as a blank canvas.

Namaste

Dave.

Accept what is, without being conservative; by keeping in mind that the only constant is change.
"Those who have, shall be given", aka: The devil shits upon the biggest heap.
It's upon each of us, to achieve this state of "Having", and on this basis to become rich(all forms, Maslow incorporated); Maslows law with Jesus, implicitly.

...And support the 'hot babes' until They rise above you and you can become Theirs

L&L
juergen

I love your post Samuel.

What do i want?! Is it relative to whats going on?
Do i want something that i think is mine?
Do i need another to give it to me?
It's so sweet when they do, oh so sweet.
And its so Bitter when they dont! Oh so bitter.

So i toss and turn,
images of cold steel tracks, and hollow towns,
all i can see, and so i retaliate.
And so i perpetuate.
I will perpetuate whatever it is, i am.

When my girl dosent love me, can i still love her?
I burst into tears when i see pictures of her as a little girl,
and see those very same eyes that looked upon me with love.
and so i decide, its okay.
To get what you want you have to give it up.
A whole new world, what is love?
Its the sunshine and the birds and the bees.
Its the breeze.
Upside down thinking is what the ZaZen monks call it,
when i walk around with a keyboard on my heart,
hoping for someone to tap out something beautiful.
Screw it, life is more than short.. Its instantaneous!

For so long id run away from grounding.
Its a good measure of oneself.
I want i want i want.
......?...........?.............
Huh...
City life drives me nuts... lol.

  So much enjoying all your abstract thoughts...

  I've lost 11 lbs in 2 weeks on the Succubus diet...  Wierd coming to terms with powerful validation that feeding on male lust actually is an aspect of my physical and spiritual metabolism, amazing I hid it from myself for so long!! 
  Male lust is a plentiful and renewable resource.. go green!

  That is not an invitation... focus on your DB.

  I met a man who is fearless, talking to him brought up a fear in me that is old, old... he was surprised at my rant, giving Goddess shit WTF???  So now I realize, that which I feared *will* come to pass, and I guess it always was inevitable... but either I die from not following Shamanic Imperative or at the hands of a right wing christian angry mob... o well! 

  and I was going to feed on him too but right before he came his DB bumped me off and took it for herself!!  WTF..!!  This vampire had to go hungry and seek other prey... Astral/virtual/psychic sex has some surprises... even so, I cannot really complain, he is Hers after all. 

  Anybody know what it costs to be on sattelite TV an hour per week? The Cult of the Fire Serpent will rise and shake the masses.. LOL!! A little side project, quite separate from FST... one I dreamt of when I was 9 and have avoided/dreaded/longed for ever since. 

   Life continues to be amusing...

Anybody know what it costs to be on sattelite TV an hour per week? The Cult of the Fire Serpent will rise and shake the masses.. LOL!! A little side project, quite separate from FST... one I dreamt of when I was 9 and have avoided/dreaded/longed for ever since. 

Have you thought about webcast as an alterntive to sattelite TV? You could have a couple of free scheduled webcasts, and over time
make the viewers pay to watch, that will cover the cost of the webcast.

With webcast you have a certain knowing about the viewers, that they are open to the content of your shows, and you have less
projections back at you.


Edward

  and I was going to feed on him too but right before he came his DB bumped me off and took it for herself!!  WTF..!!  This vampire had to go hungry and seek other prey... Astral/virtual/psychic sex has some surprises... even so, I cannot really complain, he is Hers after all. 

enlightened sistas shouldn't battle
over matters like sweet cattle
there must be ways i am quite shure
a certain trick
where lez is more

(unknown), found by
juergen

  Anybody know what it costs to be on sattelite TV an hour per week? The Cult of the Fire Serpent will rise and shake the masses.. LOL!! A little side project, quite separate from FST... one I dreamt of when I was 9 and have avoided/dreaded/longed for ever since. 

I have no direct experience with sattelite TV, but i guess one way of financing, is by ads.
Ads sell with popularity, but how to become popular?

I think a springboard could be YouToube: choose a suitable popular vid and answer it by a vid of Your own!

What's wrong with popularity? Does it mean to sell one's soul, or isn't it just cool to become one sexy beast of a mass shaker?

Especially i was thinking about a video like Bedingfield's "soulmate".

5mill

In a way that song puts the right question and You got the answer!

serious and simple,
juergen

Dear Lexx,
I love your post.  And Samuel's too.  Like you, I find it very hard to keep loving when I don't feel love back.  I too look at the childhood pictures of my lover and cry, and cry over the love we used to share that seems to be gone.  He cannot forgive me for my mistakes....I forgive and get hurt more.
Time to say goodbye, it seems....but it's not so easy when you have kids.
Do I stay and tell myself that it is my role to suffer now for my past mistakes, hope someday my unforgiving love will relent?
I don't think so.
or that it is my role to be there for him in whatever way as part of my service to goddess?  I don't know. 
I used to think I was beautiful and scintillating and all that.
I used to think I was a musician.
I used to think I was all kinds of stuff.  Now that's gone. I am just a person, existing, trying to sort out my way. It doesn't bother me to have lost my superficial identifications...but I keep waiting to see how life will be without them, and will anyone see the real me that is underneath?  I feel I am still a person worth knowing under all that and that I have a lot to give. And also would like to receive.  When I used to have friends, they all seemed to think I was beautiful and talented, giving and a good friend.  But the way I am treated in my relationship makes me feel like a piece of crap.
Something about this K process, all my friends even those I have known for over a decade through thick and thin, they are all gone, for reasons I don't understand. 
I know the primary relationship is with the DB, but it sure would be nice to feel some real world affection as well.  Especially on a physical level.
Yeah, I know the obvious answer is to DTMFA as Dan Savage says in his column.  How do I do that when I have a 3 month old baby and two ruptured disks in my back and have lost my 3 year job as a yoga teacher for no apparent reason?
Do I just throw myself at goddess' feet no money no direction no nuthin?
If I were alone, yeah.  But with kids?
Or stay in a relationship that is not serving my highest good, with someone I truly love regardless, who does not seem to love me back but won't leave either.  Feels like his power game.  Could be instead my own issues that I am blind to.  Don't feel so though...Why play these games?  Why not just get along?  These are childrens' lives at stake....I've been going through this for so long.  I am ready to be done.  I don't know how to move on.  I surrender this relationship over and over, it keeps coming back
If anyone has anything to say, cool, I'd love to hear it.  If not, also cool.  I am grateful to have this place where I can speak my truth without worrying someone is going to get all freaked out by what I have to say.  I realized today, this place and K-list is my tribe, somehow, even though we've never met. Maybe in another time, another place, we can all have a big party.
Namaste,
Jen

Wow there is lots of emotion in this thread! It's great to have somewhere to just surrender that and get support from others.  Sometimes it seems as if there is no way forward.  Most of the time for me actually! but I have come from nothing to something so many times through so much shit.  I have been through the whole separation thing, the terrible marriage with kids in the mix.  It was not that long ago it seemed me and my wife have had so much NOT in common.  Her strict Christian upbringing and my not so great upbringing.... such opposites!

In 10 years we had never connected at all.  In the beginning it was all lust I think and me longing for someone to love me.  It was only for the kids we survived so long.  We have four of them! But now it is all different.  What changed was me.  I don't really know exactly what, it wasn't a conscious effort as such.  I became different somehow.  I was no longer so jealous and self centered.  It was a slow process at first.  My wife had never 'experienced' energy.  I suggested once that we practice dual cultivation.  Afterwards she told me as I breathed  into her she could see the flashes of light.  It was great!

So..... One weekend I totally changed (no big transformation I am not there yet :-().  I opened up and so did she.  She said it was like talking to a woman.  We spent several nights up all night talking and sharing each others feelings.  There were many tears and deep gazes.  Lots of healing.  In short, I cannot see the change in me as much as my wife can.  But she has gone from a strict Christian, bound very powerfully by her beliefs to a bisexual witch that worships Goddess!  I can tell you that years before, there was no way... no fucking way at all this could have been predicted. 

So... is it all rosy now? nope! it seems we are blessed and then something comes up that puts us in a crisis.  These things really test me emotionally.  It's hard to stay in the present moment.  I think the key for me was not focusing on the negative stuff, as hard as that is.  If she was negative and I was too it just created more suffering!  I hope I can keep it up and I hope I can change more.  What I do know for sure is that there is hope! the end result for me has never been what I expected at all.  It has been way better.  Thank you Goddess!

Jennifer, I feel much like you... Although I haven't ever had many friends and I have never been very popular. Somehow I have been an outsider. I tried to shape myself to be accepted before, but it never worked out. So I protected myself with anger. I haven't been awakened, but something in my energy pokes people. I have suffered a lot because of that. I also have tendency to cling on to people who are not so interested in me, and reject those who are.
Anyway I broke up long time ago but I still live in his house. He studies in another city. But now summer holidays are starting and I have to move. I'm somehow terrified. Having a child changes me. Responsibilities feel much harder to carry, organize everything so that we could have nice times. My son starts going to Steiner daycare, and finding peaceful beautiful apartment not so far from the daycare.. Eh, I'm right now trying to find that perfect home for us in the net. Goddess, please? It could be that I have to turn to social services at some point, although my mother helps me A LOT. Thank Goddess we have that kind of social services here! Also my future career is problematic. I don't know what is my Bliss! Shakti is my Bliss, but in the physical life? I have masters degree in biotechnology, but hey... I'm not interested at all. That degree and everything connected to it was my pleasing daddy heroic trip. To prove that I'm not stupid blonde. What the hell, I am stupid blonde, heh! Motherhood has melted my brains, over three years just hanging around at home. Small trips to the outside world are exhausting. Now I have applied to social work studies, but I don't know is it my thing. So far everything that I have tried has fallen to pieces. But as a social worker I could specialize on women, study also some therapeutic methods. Women issues spark me a lot, but I don't know am I strong enough. I love to do healings, and I love to talk, endlessly . So social worker degree could give me some official frames, where to do part of my work, and then maybe some private practice later. But I have a problem (as usual, heh heh), everything I basically want to do involves interacting with other people. I'm afraid of most folks! I have provoked all kind of reactions from people in the past, so I have my doubts. In my small safe circles I already do this work, but moving into the world 
I'm extremely blessed, so I trust all the pieces fall into place somehow, someday. I'm happy that I have a son to take care of, because I found in the Tea Room an old post from Vickie about her nieces death. It has really shocked me, big time. Idea that if I move on in my path could someday cause something to happen to my baby... It paralyzes me. I know that he has his own plan, but still. Attachment to my child is probably one of the hardest there is.
Jennifer, I truly understand your feelings. If you have more kids, money problems, loneliness... I have found that my situation raises up deep survival fears that I didn't know were there before when it was just me to take care of, so I happily take my meds until my life settles down a bit. But I know we can build our new lives, and it's gonna be much better than this destroyed one

How often we tend to replay the puritanism of our parents instead of going above it!
This way assuming to resist their puritanism we can become even worse. One form of parents is science(alma mater, if thats a convenient term in your respective language), which has chosen to separate from mysticism, which is considered impure by most scientists.

But we know already  less or more distinct, that  all power lies in the mystery of the unconscious, the other (STRANGE)sex. The stranger as a non believer is an impure person for all or most of the world religions, and when fanatic evangelical men(Luther, Calvin) went against the Popes of Renaissance, the hated Pope was portrayed with female breasts.
Indeed at that time the Vatican was filled with depictions of female breasts, that sort you know, which can send a piece of wood into a deep trance. The Medici Popes went Wiccan then.

Still, all power lies in the impure, within things potentially threatening; with the Divine Beloved we can have a safe heaven of roleplay, and get a start in dealing with the fearful unknown.
Any art is a sequence of expert destructions.

As "good" students and "good" children we just won't get past the narrow paradigms.
For instance my mom is lately going some unconventional ways in adopting a 25 year old young woman(with her 76), and of all people it has to be my unconventional sister who is sueing now her own mother, for it.
(When she called me recently for my alliance in sueing, the first thing i realized was the great similarity of their voices, which i told her at once... still i doubt that she got it.)
And often you will confirm: Daughters of fundamental chicks are even worse than 'mom'! No chance for solidarity here.

Or, we can accept their(science, parents etc.) impurity (though they view themselves as pure) and find some nuggets in the ashes, ... and eventually find some more on our own.

In Trance with the Unconsious Mind, of course we are musicians too, because that's exactly what Goddess Is(arts and science becoming one).

However Puritanism teaches and commands not to eat with ones own fingers, for example; which is disempowering, because it increases dependancy on inventions like spoons and plates and forks, or sticks. This way a science which is always driven forward by its own puritanistic maxim, will eventually suffocate from its own sterility and meanwhile we seem quite near to that point.


So while purity is still a goal, it cannot be the beginning as well. Such an attempt would equal to consider any statement as its own proof.

So while i so often have rejected Portal Guardian's offer of submitting to the body mind: can i blame this Guide for it's sarkasm?

Perfection for us, now,  has not always to look like our image of perfection.

Just forwarding a few talkings to myself.
Hoping to whet your appetite.

Namaste,
Juergen