Once again, I am looking for answers in trying to understand what the heck is going on with me and this K process.  Lately, I've noticed a change in the grounding meditation.  I am still doing it many times a day, but now I don't feel anything when I do it.  I don't feel the shakti, or feel particularly different than I did before doing it.  If I am feeling very ungrounded before doing it, which is rare these days, I will notice a small difference.  But ultimately, I have to wonder, is this working?  I have surrendered any resistance I might have and might not realize I have, still no change.
Another strange thing happening is that my heart voice seems to have gotten reversed.  Here's what occurred:  my one year old son got a really bloated stomach, and since I had seen him swallow a large bead a couple days before, I was concerned he might have some kind of obstruction.  However, he had no symptoms and seemed happy, which usually with little kids means they are fine, if something is seriously wrong they generally get some symptoms.  Still, I didn't know what to do because his stomach looked huge!  So I asked the heart voice.  When I suggested take him to the hospital, I got a positive heart response, and when I suggested don't take him I felt really sick like I might throw up.  My husband was ready and willing to take him, but he didn't think there was anything really wrong with the kid.  In the end, I followed my head instead of my heart, realizing that he had no symptoms, and kept him home.  But following my head felt really wrong, and I was in fear from denying my heart voice.  He is fine now,  the bloated tummy was just gas, and I have learned that my heart voice / body talk can lie to me!  From what I know of FST, this would mean there is an entity present, and maybe also some entities on my grounding cord accounting for not feeling the grounding....but I don't feel that's the case either.  I have tried to clear any that might be present, and don't get the sense of anything shifting.  So if they are present, I can't perceive the entities.  Any other suggestions / ideas?  One of my main issues is fear disguised as intuition, and ignoring intuition when it is actually correct....so this feels pretty weird to me, not being able to trust my body signals!   I really want to stop sabotaging myself.....
namaste
Jennifer

Hi Jen,

reason could be, that another person, your son, was involved, and all kind of feelings of responsibility, fear, whatsoever stood in the way, and the prayer was lacking faith and firmness; just as the known flower game: loves me loves me not... .
Especially the pressure from society, what a good mother or parent has to be and to do; she runs to the hospital and is over-cautious; she waits how the case develops and woe betide the parent who waits too long.

Would not surprise me if your situation became un-grounding.

And parents are different; some are calm and sovereign, as if the heartvoice were always speaking to them, btw. , not only parents. Some people seem to have a built-in lie-detector; they are hard to deceive nothing seems to upset them. With the heart-voice training we are trying to develop this and get there.

In parallel we make special experiences for example by caring for children and acquire some knowledge, which comes also in the account.

I'm shure this event, you relate here, is a gift for you to further the com with your divine self.

Events are often pointing us to our past, maybe even our parent's past, or the past of our civilisation, culture, origing, race; not to go into raptures about them, but in order to heal them.

Observing or finding out what ungrounds us is a precious hint for growth, and the 'Sherlock Holmes' must also be in the crew of our united selves.

So, mentioning a term like 'united selves',  points to  the fact that there is more to do than just heart-voice stuff, and at this point it's really hard to give solid recommendations.

But it seems for me that i cannot perfect the com with the heart voice in one go; i proceed to other lessons of the course or out of the course, and occasianally return, and look if something falls in place, one could compare it with a big puzzle!

much more fun!
juergen

Hi Juergen,
I think you are correct that this is a grounding issue.  I did make a point to ground before consulting my heart voice.  Wonder why it was not successful.  Maybe as you say, my intention or faith was not sincere.  In my conscious mind, it felt very sincere, but perhaps my shadow or unconscious does not really want me to ground?  Certainly, the societal pressure and self-pressure to "do the right thing" as a parent can feel very intense.
Yes, I agree that I can learn a lot from noticing what ungrounds me.  I also wonder, how to find sincere faith and intention in the grounding.  I have always believed that sincerity and faith was present, but clearly if I am having trouble grounding it is not.  It frustrates me sometimes, that I have an  unconscious which often seems to act in direct opposition to my conscious wishes, the result being that I feel sabotaged by my uncontrollable unseen unconscious.  Argh! How do I make that stop?  By truly becoming united with my DB?  For now, maybe its best to surrender the desire to make it stop, and just study it instead....I still don't know how to really unite with my DB, he comes to me only in dreams in which he is beautiful, seductive but also problematic....once he was a junkie and another time he had a venereal disease! 
Wow writing that makes me feel messed up.  And then my ego shifts it into "I am special because I am so messed up that nobody else can really understand my mindset / relate to me."
Yeah, right.  That's my dad.  Aloof control strategy, I  think :  "I'm complicated.  I have problems you just wouldn't understand."  What crap.
Or, not crap, but maybe a child mind's way of salvaging something from a desperate situation:  "I don't feel good about myself, I have problems, so instead of feeling good about good things, I will make it a special thing to have such problems"
My father came from a dysfunctional family....like me....
could that be it?
"I'm special because I'm so messed up I can't even ground properly"
Fits in with the whole punk rock ethos I used to be a part of when I was a performing musician.
I realized a few months ago that one of my unconscious life-scripts goes something like this:
"My parents really hurt me, so I will fail in life in order to shame / get revenge on them"
I am still doing this to myself, hence the self-victimization / blaming of others .
How do I stop?  This silly plan doesn't work.  My parents don't care.  Nobody cares. Yet I keep sabotaging myself anyway, in keeping with the script.
I can stop one moment at a time.  I stop by realizing what I am doing to myself.  That's what I believe, yet...I still have not been able to stop this pattern. 
In time, when I am ready.....?
One layer at a time.....or let the pattern run, and watch.
I am so grateful to have a safe space in which to speak about these ideas with others.  Thank you.
Namaste,
Jen

Quote from: Jennifer on Mar 11, 2008, 11:53:48 PM
It frustrates me sometimes, that I have an  unconscious which often seems to act in direct opposition to my conscious wishes, the result being that I feel sabotaged by my uncontrollable unseen unconscious.  Argh! How do I make that stop? 

Hi Jennifer.  What I personally have done for this very thing (and do constantly, as it is a process that needs continual attention just like keeping the house clean) is turn my focus to that 'unconscious' - noticing what my mind is doing behind my back - part of me (and it is NOT a separate THING, but rather it is part of ME) and make it conscious.  Notice notice notice, and look at it with curiosity.  That brings it out of hiding, separates the emotion from the thoughts/concepts, grounds me, and puts the power in my own hands (which comes with responsibility) to re-direct my thoughts where I want them.

It takes practice. 

Simultaneously, reminding the mind that the past has no play in the present.  No blame, no excuses, and no pity party.  The future is now.  Previous patterns that have gone into hiding are plenty ripe for picking and eating...which turns them into fruit for better new things.

The 'unconscious' mind is your slave and will serve you with pleasure.  It does take some effort to get it to run the right programs.  It takes time.  I notice that when my life is busy and I don't have as much time to clean my physical house the way it needs, that my mind also gets a bit dusty and cluttered.  Then it's time to clean inside and out.  And life becomes a bit calmer.
Blessings!
Eileen

"I don't feel good about myself, I have problems, so instead of feeling good about good things, I will make it a special thing to have such problems"

"I'm special because I'm so messed up I can't even ground properly"

Hi Jennifer,

Sounds to me that you don't want to let go... are you frightened of space?; a fear that you will not be able to anchor yourselves to any 'solid' ground, that you will lose your identity as a fixed and solid and definite thing.

Seems to me, that all there is is space, transparent space. This can been very threatening...it was for me. I too enjoyed being messed up, being an extreme poor me on occasions, loved the attention, sucked the life out of anything that noticed me...didn't really want to give it up, let it go.

You have to just stop it. Only you can do it, the same questions you pose in this post are repeats of previous ones; you are in a way just entertaining yourself again here, take a leap of faith and surrend it all. Does that make you feel scared?...surrender that. Let go of the past, and stop trying to work things out. You all just space except it, we are nothing...

Realizing that I am nothing scared the shit out of me. I now connect to that feeling and be it, it all then changes and the love appears. We are all that is, and that is love. Love is connected to space, it was always there but masked by all the crap I piled on it.

Remove the dark clouds and the sun will shine

Namaste

Dave

"My parents really hurt me, so I will fail in life in order to shame / get revenge on them"

Heehee, sounds familiar!

But we had our fun with it, don't we?
Then my viewpoint is: honor this fun, accept that i really enjoyed it, however strange it may appear, to indulge in such a silly joy; ...and give it it's deserved love and let it go.

Parting in peace and love seems just a good idea.

Did ye see the episode with Heathcliff's farewell from his beloved old sofa(Bill Cosby Show)? I think it's also an aspect of surrender, not just throw it away(like his wife, bad cop Claire, in that scene).

All your insights seem on the right way, your humor is infecting!

Hugs
juergen

Hi Jennifer:

I agree with Juergen..when a child is involved, it is very difficult  to disconnect from fear enough to get a clear message from the heart voice...and the fear, automatically ungrounds us .  Also, I believe we are affected by  and often repeat  the past until we heal the wounds that were created as imprints...way back then.  Inner child work on the issues that are coming up will rewrite the messages in your mind and help you to forgive yourself and others, eliminating blame as well as victim conscious thinking.
Tammy

  Still, I didn't know what to do because his stomach looked huge!  So I asked the heart voice.  When I suggested take him to the hospital, I got a positive heart response, and when I suggested don't take him I felt really sick like I might throw up.

Take him to the Doctor.  Could be there is something else wrong that needs medical attention.

   The problem is:  people get a response and then create their own interpretation of what it means instead of asking more questions to get clarification.

  For example, it is not uncommon for the heart to tell someone that they are Christ.  Some people shrug and ignore it as simply unbelievable.  Some people figure it must mean they are the messiah of the end times and go all Waco.   Very few ask enough questions to discover that the heart chakra is the seat of the Christ consciousness and we all are Christlike in that love. You are All so you are that, too. 

  Don't just ask one question then go off on assumptions. Play "20 questions" with your heart. Get clarification. Use some more test questions.

Is my name Jennifer?
Is my name Bob?
Is my son's  belly distended because he swallowed a bead?
Is it because of something else?
Is that something very dangerous to his health?
Is the gas part of a larger health issue that requires medical attention?
Is it an allergy?
Does he need to see a Dr. for something unrelated to the swollen belly?
Did he pass the bead?
Did he swallow something else when I was not looking?
Does it matter if he sees a Doctor today or next week?
Is it something else he ate causing this?
Is it that the Doc will say that it is nothing, but give me anxiety meds to help get past the adrenaline addiction? Etc. 

  You don't *know* why your heart said to take the kid to the Dr., could be that you would find a winning lottery ticket at a stop light.  Assuming  that your heart voice is messed up and lied to you...?? I wouldn't.

   You did this when your DB showed up as a junkie too, assumed you knew what it meant and went off on some drama insteading getting quiet and asking for more clarity.  If this is what you do with a little bit of info it is no surprise that you get small doses of DB visits.  It is not surrender.

  As far as grounding goes, it is supposed to start feeling normal eventually, because it is your natural state of being.  I hardly feel anything when I get grounded because usually, I am already grounded. Why expect a change?

   Be at peace, Jen... Blessings...

Yes, making assumptions is so second-nature to me that I don't even realize I am making assumptions.  My mind is over active and sometimes I wish I could just get a lobotomy but they are no longer in fashion    Thanks for pointing this out to me, this is a new way for me to be mindful; instead of jumping to conclusions about ANYTHING, ask "what is this" and turn inward.  So many different ways to watch what the mind and ego are doing.  And thanks for your clarification about the 20 questions way of talking to the heart voice, I found that very helpful. 
And.....actually I did start taking some meds for my stress addiction.    Generally I am not into taking any kind of pharmaceuticals and I have mixed feelings about taking antidepressants but I have to admit this seems to be working for me.  It took a little while to sink in but I have realized that stress/ adrenaline is just as much an addiction as being a drug addict, and that was very humbling to realize that I am an addict and out of control.  So, I just keep surrendering my addiction.  Though now I am a little scared that I could become dependent on the meds!  Surrender that too....
Thank you for the wisdom
Jen

Though now I am a little scared that I could become dependent on the meds!


Dear Jen!

I think You can use them parallel to your energy work, and it would be a real option to reduce the dose slowly as progress goes on, (another application for the heart-voice )

It will be alright, quite shure!
juergen

And.....actually I did start taking some meds for my stress addiction.    Generally I am not into taking any kind of pharmaceuticals and I have mixed feelings about taking antidepressants but I have to admit this seems to be working for me.  It took a little while to sink in but I have realized that stress/ adrenaline is just as much an addiction as being a drug addict, and that was very humbling to realize that I am an addict and out of control.  So, I just keep surrendering my addiction.  Though now I am a little scared that I could become dependent on the meds!  Surrender that too....


  GOOD!  I told you way back, the worry behavior is an addiction, and has to be treated as such to make real progress.  The meds will help you find out what life can be like, without it... I would not worry too much about becoming addicted to them.  Just explore the new way of being, develop new habits about how to react to things...
  Like the other day I stubbed my toe in a store and I was hopping around going "ow ow thank you Goddess ow ow thank you Goddess" trying to turn ow into endorphin.  It was an automatic response but the other folks in the store looked at me funny...

    Blessings...

For me taking finally some antidepressants was truly a blessing. I was spanked to my knees a year ago before I had to go to doctor. I surfed through all kinds of "I'm so f*cking spiritual, these things are not for me etc etc". So pridefull crap. I remembered my old very cruel judgements when my friend took pills to survive baby blues. Truth was that I had had anxiety and sleeping problems for so long, that my brain chemistry needed this. I have spent now quite long time without almost constant feeling of doom. So I'm gratefull for this course, that humility training from Goddess AND pills!

So I'm gratefull for this course, that humility training from Goddess AND pills!

So am i!

Right medicine, is what works!

I have shown somewhat homeopathic sectarianism during this course.
Not that i would abandon hom. with all flags flying, but the above motto(widely used by homeopaths) cannot be denied and so can't firsthand experience by trustworthy people(like Mystress and also , Mari).

Above all, healing with Goddess deems to be the Queens's way and if allopathic meds complement better with it than homeopathic ones, so let's go for it; in case that individual complaints are too severe, there are still a few excellent homeopaths around...
...and continue later on the Queen's way.

to each their own
just in time
here and now

juergen

Truth was that I had had anxiety and sleeping problems for so long, that my brain chemistry needed this. I have spent now quite long time without almost constant feeling of doom. So I'm gratefull for this course, that humility training from Goddess AND pills!

Aye,  Mari.  Thank you for offering this.  Addiction to something external is one thing, separate yourself until the body adjusts... but biochemical stress addictions?  Sneaky bastards.

   How do you get away from your own thoughts?  When your body is wired on adrenaline it is more challenging to get grounded... not impossible, but the addiction betrays best intentions and frustration adds to the load.

   K fire rises to dissolve the stuff at the same time the anxiety addicted mind is busy making more, it starts a war in you.   It is the sort of resistance that can make Kundalini genuinely dangerous.  The fire pushes harder and harder until you surrender and in so doing it triggers more fear and junk to be released, giving you more to stress out about...  it is a bad spiral down that can push the anxious over into a psychotic state, and damage the metabolic glands.

   The cycle has to be interrupted someplace to give the body a chance to rest and learn a new way of being.  Modern psychiatric medications can be a form of Divine mercy, Divine intervention.   Better to be medicated and functioning, in recovery than to be another K casualty in the psyche ward, or dealing with chronic fatigue from blowing the adrenal glands... in my human judgment.
   For some who had that experience, we can only trust it was what they needed at the time.

  Strenuous excercise helps by self medicating with endorphin, which is K friendly and much healther than stress.  It is a natural anti-depressent but the excercise stokes the K too and you can be a little emotionally oversensitive while the karma stuff is working its way out of you... but that is still better than anxious and sick!   

Modern medicine statistically kills more people than anything else... but people have to die of something, and there are many worse alternatives, especially looking back in history to before there was a God named Science. 

  For me, there is a disclaimer and a division of labour.  I am a spiritual teacher... not a psychiatrist or MD.  Sometimes illnesses are spiritual in nature but you still must get them checked out on other levels because we are body, mind and spirit.  All three levels must be attended to for balance, and there are Doctors for the body and the mind.  Give them their due.

  Blessings..
   

Aye,  Mari.  Thank you for offering this.  Addiction to something external is one thing, separate yourself until the body adjusts... but biochemical stress addictions?  Sneaky bastards.

Thanks! 

  How do you get away from your own thoughts?  When your body is wired on adrenaline it is more challenging to get grounded... not impossible, but the addiction betrays best intentions and frustration adds to the load.

My thoughts can be quite harsh, especially towards myself. In the nights I'm now just trying to remember that it's not real, and stay in the center of my head just observing my bodys emotions and all kinds of suggestions that come to my mind.  Surrendering my thoughts, circulating energy. After your reply I had quite anxious night. I have problems with positivity. I'm still programmed to be pessimist because big part of me sees it as safety. If I dare to admit that my life goes well, something happens... After that night my heart opened more, so in the end it was good  Accepting positive things about myself is hard. For example if you come to me (your higher self?), and we have mental conversation, you usually say something nice also. I'm (almost) angry. I'm working to open up, be more receptive to love. It was quite a revelation to me when after working hard to release my blockages I had to admit that I'm afraid of love.

  K fire rises to dissolve the stuff at the same time the anxiety addicted mind is busy making more, it starts a war in you.   It is the sort of resistance that can make Kundalini genuinely dangerous.  The fire pushes harder and harder until you surrender and in so doing it triggers more fear and junk to be released, giving you more to stress out about...  it is a bad spiral down that can push the anxious over into a psychotic state, and damage the metabolic glands.

I had dreams about war last spring.

   The cycle has to be interrupted someplace to give the body a chance to rest and learn a new way of being.  Modern psychiatric medications can be a form of Divine mercy, Divine intervention.   Better to be medicated and functioning, in recovery than to be another K casualty in the psyche ward, or dealing with chronic fatigue from blowing the adrenal glands... in my human judgment.
   For some who had that experience, we can only trust it was what they needed at the time.

I know. I read some scientific studies about drug that I'm using. About a years treatment period can balance brains biochemistry permanently. I'm busy affirming that permanent balancing happens in my brains.

  Strenuous excercise helps by self medicating with endorphin, which is K friendly and much healther than stress.  It is a natural anti-depressent but the excercise stokes the K too and you can be a little emotionally oversensitive while the karma stuff is working its way out of you... but that is still better than anxious and sick!      

Ehhh... Lets say that I'm excercising now, but I could do more 


Modern medicine statistically kills more people than anything else... but people have to die of something, and there are many worse alternatives, especially looking back in history to before there was a God named Science. 

  For me, there is a disclaimer and a division of labour.  I am a spiritual teacher... not a psychiatrist or MD.  Sometimes illnesses are spiritual in nature but you still must get them checked out on other levels because we are body, mind and spirit.  All three levels must be attended to for balance, and there are Doctors for the body and the mind.  Give them their due.

I ignored my body before. This course has helped me to start treating it better. I still have problems with self-acceptance, especially accepting my body. Quite normal problem among women in our society...  I tried to polish my body for so long and all the time I just hated it more. Surrendering helps, but total self-acceptance feels quite distant now. It affects to my sexuality and how I experience myself as a woman. What to do?

Thanks Mystress for your reply, I've read it several times
Mari

I ignored my body before. This course has helped me to start treating it better. I still have problems with self-acceptance, especially accepting my body. Quite normal problem among women in our society...  I tried to polish my body for so long and all the time I just hated it more. Surrendering helps, but total self-acceptance feels quite distant now. It affects to my sexuality and how I experience myself as a woman. What to do?

http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/body/bodyspell.htm

I wrote this for weight management but it has other beneficial effects too...
   Blessings...

Thanks for the tip! I did it yesterday, but I'm going to do it again later with more time.
This Temple is so wonderfull... I have slept well and got good insights about issues I wrote in my last post.