Hi!
I've been in quite a ride during this course. There was a time when I couldn't even log in because fire got too much for me (or to my ego). I projected lots of fear towards this course last spring. But when I started to notice the benefits of my burning, I tried that surrendering thing. NOT easy  I fell into paranoia/panic attacks for a few days in mid september. After that I came back again, DB insisted. He informed me that if I want to have connection with him, back to FST... Late autumn I could read lessons nicely, I'm now in Kundalini and Genetics -lesson. In the end of the year I started craving more energy, of course. I have a tendency of being adrenaline junkie and I get bored easily. After New Years eve energies started to rise again. Last night was the first in long time that burning felt infernal. I try to focus on grounding, be outside, do some art, writing, baking etc. to keep my feet deep in the soil. But my main problems now are paranoid thoughts, falling to psychosis (basically everyone in the planet wants to destroy me and make me suffer), and infernal burning in the nights when I should be sleeping. Paranoia usually comes in the night combined with infernal burning. During the days burning usually feels good, and nightly horrors feel distant. Any extra advice available how to cope? I suppose worst is already over, but just in case  I take now small dosage of Mirtrazapin (Remeron) for sleeping problems and it seems to work extremely well also for my somekind of bipolarity, although my dosage is not regarded as therapeutic. Surrender works better now than before, but my fear is still there lurking in the night.

Hello, Mari:

  My impression is, you are not active enough.  You need some intense physical exercise to generate endorphin and grant natural sleep, and to assist your body's cleansing process by activating your lymph.  Choose something where you can work out to exhaustion without harming yourself, like a stationary bike or rowing machine. Start gently to warm up, then give it all you've got like all your fear is chasing you,  breathing down your neck looking at lunch. Take a break when you get short of breath, then do it again.

  Increase your calcium intake, a lot! Seaweed for minerals and plenty of flax seed oil. Increase your B vitamins... give your body nutritional support.

  I think it is sweet that your DB rought you back to FST... makes me smile.

   Blessings!

Thanks, Mystress!
That's right, exercise isn't my favourite. But I should do it. I did some dancing, or more like jumping around, at some point. But then I felt it raised even more fire. I try again. Standing in the playground watching my son while he's playing isn't probably enough 
I buy new supplements today.
I have felt good now. Thanks for your help!

DB is sweet 

Hello, Mari.  I agree with Mystress that exercise would help.  I know I always feel better when I do, no matter how much resistance I have.  If it's physical, it's therapy.  I suggest breathing through fears, bodily sensations, thoughts, whatever when you exercise.  Hard, soft, fast, slow ....  You'll see what works best.  You'll dissolve lots of stuff that way.

  Initially, the exercise may raise more energy, but it is easier for your body to clear stuff though exercise so the end result is feeling better.  Plus, being high on your own endorphin makes it more difficult to worry. 

   Usual disclaimer of course "consult a doctor before starting an excercise regimen" etc, I don't know what sort of shape you are in.

   Be sure you are getting enough water, too. Decreasing your body's electrical conductivity through dehydration can make the burning physically dangerous to your metabolic organs and nervous system.  Pee out your karma. 

  I bet, drinking a glass of water, or some hot milk with honey when the night fears wake you,  will reduce those symptoms considerably.  Bless a bottle of water during the day, and leave it by your bed to drink when you wake at night.

   This phase will pass... remind yourself of that now and then.

   Blessings! 

Hi Mari,
Very interested to read your post and about the fear thing.....your description is kind of different so I might not be talking about the same thing, but I have been scared for a long time. I started 'messing' with energy and meditations about 20 years ago and felt I was being stalked by the devil himself, was obsessed by the fear of the demonic and 'a fate far worse than death' i.e. being held in a realm of perpetual anguish being tormented by djinns and demons etc. I identified with the dark goddesses in attempting to face up to my own shadow I stuck my nose into what I can only think are the archetypal beings in the collective unconscious - and some of them folks are damned scary, even if you can't see them, you can feel them and they is waaaay big.

Anyway I became so detached from outer reality that I couldn't function and so the forces of the real world suggested that to become employable and 'sane' I get myself medicated....so after 15 years of sensibleness - I find myself (after a years self managed detox) clean of the tablets and revisiting my demons ........ fear of dying, fear of not dying, fear of possession (although I recognise I am possessed already by the alien energies of my life experience and everyone who had an impact on my psyche and the path I have walked so far) - so I don't know if we're talking about the same thing but it might be common ground, which is always a bit reassuring, to know you're not on your own.

One thing's for sure, it's never boring...although occasionally it would be nice to step off out of the hurtling wind....guess that's where the grounding brings relief and the exercising brings relief as everyone rightly suggests....I know it makes sense!

Anyway Mari - fear less (even when you're fearing a lot I hate the concept of exercise - I'm finding even gentle Qi Gong exercises very helpful and holding simple static yoga poses pulls attention away from the fear - when I can get my will energy running enough !

Hope you are o.k. and keep going - like Mystress says - it all passes, and the next thing is always different even if you've been there before 

Hi and thanks for your advices!
Hollyberry, you're quite right. When my K started to move it released fears, that I've actively projected outside. It has been like that quite long. Fear wants to project outside, to have a scapegoat and a face. Then came a time when I noticed that whenever I eliminated one projection, it just takes another form. Same fear. Fear of being tortured to death, and my torturers enjoy doing that. So I stumbled in quite nice place for that kind of fears, right? BDSM world... Ouch These days I wonder have I had a past life as a burned witch or something, although past lives haven't been part of my spiritual practice. My fear is completely irrational, sometimes I have to start laughing when I notice that here we go again. But it feels right to get my fear closer to me all the time. I mean understanding more and more that it's really in me who wants to destroy me. I've had nice dreams about this issue after my last post. I have managed to surrender to Goddess when caught in a whirlwind, floating into a dark place, loving a corpse until it transformed into a pretty woman. By the way, what is that place where is dark and I'm just floating around? First time when I went there some weeks ago I freaked out, unable to breath.
Anyway, fear is still there and I have some surrendering to do. Writing about my issues to unknown people   seems to be one way to raise the fear. Like this message. Just be in your house and never do anything that could rock your miserable boat, because hey, then you are really destroyed. Sounds like a good life

Mari:

  Sigmund petitioned me for more info on your behalf.  He is very compassionate and I am glad to have him in my Lineage.

  There are different types of burning, with Kundalini.  There is karma burning up, and then there are the snakes. Ida and pingala, don't ask me which is which... but a hot red snake and a cool blue snake wind around the cadeucus.  Sometimes the hot red snake gets up and goes jogging, gets all pumped and beefy while the cool snake has barely opened one eye to ask where is breakfast?  That is what happened to Gopi Krishna.

  So in that case, you give the blue snake her food. Visit google images and search for photos of icebergs.  Save all the coldest looking blue ones to your hard drive, and meditate on them.  Draw the cool misty blue into yourself, project yourself into the cold blue iceberg. 

  I think your snakes are fine, but you can still try it, if it is a comfort. Don't use it as resistance or a reason to skip getting more exercise.

   If you are able to laugh at your fear while in the deeps of it, then you are over the hump and on the way out of this phase.  I'd say, make hay while the sun shines.  Keep surrendering and let Shakti into every little corner to scrub, and thank Her for it like I do with my housekeepers.  Very chaotic when they are banging the mop around but the whole place feels so much better when they are done so I try to stay out of the way and let them have at it. 
 

   Mari and Hollyberry:  You are ALL that IS!!!  That is the message. There is no other, no outside anything. If you are ALL, then how can you be posssessed? You already possess all that could possess you because you are ALL that Is. 

  See? How the focus pops you into a different space?

  That is the message Goddess is trying to get through to you.  Trying to disown your karma with projections of blame onto an "other" that does not exist because YOU ARE ALL  is the type of resistance that will get your ass kicked very hard, repeatedly with Goddess' hob nailed stilettos.  Boot boot boot.

  What you put out comes back multiplied so projecting fear externally is a big karmic no-winner.  Boot boot boot. Have it all back, multiplied with a cherry bomb on top. Ouch.
  Then, not recognising what is coming back as your own just desserts and resisting that too... oy! Resistng the cosmic laws of karmic return in that way when Kundalini is pushing you to surrender is a slippery downhill slope into paranoid psychosis.  No wonder you had to flee...

  The intention of the Shakti in the course is filtered, "to each according to their need and ability to recieve but not more than they can handle" and sometimes taking a break to sort through things is part of handling it, pacing yourself...

  I know, you do not feel like ALL and it is because of all this separation junk in the way that Goddess is bringing out the jackhammer and flamethrower to dismantle even as you try to build it up again.

   So accept you are ALL even though it doesn't feel like it yet, and the stuff is yours even though you don't want it, because it is functional to do so. Cosmic law.  You have to own it before you can give it away.   You cannot surrender what you refuse to claim ownership of.  It belongs to your infinite self, it is your ego self that believes in separation.  Use your ego self to give it back.

   Ya get it?  It is so simple it is almost mechanistic, bounded by cosmic laws as surely as gravity is bound by laws of physics. 

Mari wrote:
By the way, what is that place where is dark and I'm just floating around? First time when I went there some weeks ago I freaked out, unable to breath.

  In the astral realm, there are many places like that... but probably you were beyond the astral, in the dark Void, which is a non-dual space one level down (or up) from the starry Void. You could say, it is the place before creation happened, but that idea itself makes no sense in non-duality where there are no beginnings or endings.

   Not a good idea to bring fear into that place, and bringing resistance to fear is worse.  Not saying you did it deliberately, you were just being shown an aspect of your infinite self and how ego just cannot deal and why it has to go. 

  Duality and non-duality is like matter and anti-matter. Try to bring fear separation into nonduality, it blows up and turns inside out... but when you are there, you are Goddess.  That is why there is nobody else there... you are All. 

   Cool eh? Blessings...

Thanks Mystress. Yeah, Goddess has kicked me few times. Over ten years ago I started seeing demonic figures. No beings in brilliant light. So I learned to be "a warrior". It took years of healings and spiritual work before I experienced first infuses of love and light. Now I theoretically understand that my old coping mechanisms have to go. 
About the void :I thought it was Dark Void, but what I didn't get was why I was floating there fearlessly.
I have to come back to your answer again later, quite much info for my flu brain.

Hi Mari - thanks for thanks for thanks etc. I reckon Mystress and Sigmund etc. know lots more stuff about taking it on - I only know my little fears, too much of a scaredy cat to get really out there and give it large - so to all you warriors out there - good on yer.....I got plenty miles to go for a bit yet. I'm still a bit passive and an 'in awe of authority mouse', not a tiger yet but working on it........big love all round & thanks for the inspirations - yep balance in all things (yin and yang, blue and red, cool and hot)...Hollyberry

P.S. hope your flu is getting better

P.P.S. I too am hoping to get my sense of humour back soon - laughter is a very very good medicine - it can make even demons fuck off with their tail between their legs.

Mari says:
That's right, exercise isn't my favourite.

Hi Mari, the idea occured and i just want to pass it on:

Can You appoint Your son Your 'exercise guru'; i know kids can be good at it, once set up or set free

Mystress says:
... but a hot red snake and a cool blue snake wind around the cadeucus.

milk

The song begins:

I am milk I am red hot kitchen
And I am cool Cool as the deep blue ocean ...

Who is "I"?
A human poet, or Her Soul?
Find it hard to tell, but incline to Her Soul.

Juergen: My son is 2,5 years old. He usually is climbing all over me when I do something on the floor, or he gets upset if mama is dancing in her delicate way So if you have tips how to do it? Actually dancing with him IS easier these days, he tries to dance also. Fortunately he has devoted father so I have couple of days free every week. I have been excercising now, dancing (5rhythms, sweat your prayers, I love it) and long walks.
Hollyberry: I haven't felt like a warrior during this year. More like a mouse, or a worm...? Tiny one 

Hi Mari,
Tried to be creative, these are the few results

No question, Mom presides Arthur's table at home; but the table is also round..
What i mean, is involvement, hierarchy shure, but community as well. Mutuality. Upsetment comes from differing, i don't think it's Your 'delicate dancing', what upsets him. Mystress once said, energy hygiene is for every time; and so i think is delicateness. If the contrast between your normal appearance and when You dance, is quite considerable, this may upset him, i don't know.

Silly male idea, got this from the Bill Cosby show: the living bomb, please not to imitate; but You can kind of throw him in the playground in the sandbox. Think it is a good thing when sonny experiences mummie's loving physical strength; chasing would also be fine.
Try to make climbing more creative, best You would do some climbing too; Mama cat!
Or show some interest in his child interests, i bet they are interesting indeed. Then Your dancing might interest him as well, You could take him in the arm during the moves, periodically; i think real trust is all-important.

Mystress says:
  So in that case, you give the blue snake her food. Visit google images and search for photos of icebergs.  Save all the coldest looking blue ones to your hard drive, and meditate on them.  Draw the cool misty blue into yourself, project yourself into the cold blue iceberg. 

Having this in the mind and going to the post-office( )  and shopping today, thoughts of the "Snow Queen", a popular fairy tale by Andersen, fell into the mind; i know there are lots of versions as pictures(comics) circulating and and a literary remake by Joan de Vinge, but i never read the Andersen version, 'though i knew there is. Thought it might be interesting to read.

I went into Woolworth sniffing around for A3 size paper sheets to belly out k-primer a little, having totally forgotten the Snow Qeen, suddenly i glance on a pocket book, "Best of Andersens Fairy tales", this cannot be i think, remembering my thoughts about Andersen; this would be the hammer, if the Snow Queen were included i think, looking closer... Bingo!

Guess i ought to read now and get some cool blue peace, finding deep calm creative closeness
sighs...