Hey,

   I've been a member of FST for about a year, yet this will be my first post, thus kind of an introduction. K-list lurker for about 6 months longer...

   First of all thanks to all, K-list and FST has really helped me alot. Still I have this problem I can't really find away out of.

   I short, when I'm happy or about to be, servers crash.

   I have a company with a friend which is an online service that we charge money for. It's an important part of many press/information people at medium to large companies. So if servers crash, it's a bad thing.
   I'm not sure how to cut to the chase, so here's a try.

   I have something, maybe the "monsters" in the rooms(if the pain was a room, something mystress tought in the last FST chat) that works against me. And I don't know how to deal with it, I'm starting to really think I need some external help here. Let me try to clarify... Ever since after 4th grade I didn't do homework or otherwise have much energy for school. At the beginning of 7th grade I really tried to get my act together... Shortly after I get some strange infection next to one ear, rendering me useless for a couple of weeks. At the beginning of 8th grade I try to get my act together again, shortly after I get hit by a car on my way to school one tuesday morning. Ofcourse rendering me useless long enough to "loose intrest" again. 9th grade? I dono I think some small effort, with an appropriate counter messure.

   My company has had about 5 major server crashes( I'm the techical dude, responsible for servers/coding etc) all have been within hours of me trying to be happy about work, and only when I really gathered enought to feel really good. But the last couple of times it's come from a more strong sense of this will be good.

   Naturally, since the one about 6 months ago or so I change my focus to relationships and the like and not really botherd about work. Lately it seems very little is needed to cause a crash.

   I guess you can see why I for the longest time was convinced life was having fun bullying me, though I'm wiser I still have the problem.

   I've been haunted by I'm not sure how describe, but during my 2 year relationship there wasn't one day I didn't think of braking up, not because I didn't love her, quite the opposite, not sure why. But the same with work or anything good...

   I realise it could be the "rooms in the pain" but I can't ground worth much so I'm not really getting there, worked rather fine when Mystress was "present", but I can't call her everytime I wanna feel good.

   I think my DB started showing up as blonde, instead of a pair of shoes, which I suppose is good. The thing is I can only see her at a distance otherwise I end up shooting arrows or something else lethal from
my throat... Same if i try to send love, which I am really bad at in general too...

   I realise I'm not communicating very well, but I hope you get the picture.

Any thoughs or suggestions would be grately appreciated.

Namaste,

Samuel

:     I short, when I'm happy or about to be, servers crash.

Hi Samuel,

I guess you did it already, but if not: did you ever try to apply the "bubble spell for computers" to your servers? I mean, since you seem to be a server specialist, not just on the outside, around the boxes, but especially also inside of "the black box", i.e. around the inner components, like CPU, hard discs, disc drive controllers, network cards, interfaces, operating system, hardware drivers, software applications etc.?
The deeper you go, the better you may succeed in keeping disrupting forces out.
Maybe also use some "low level" entity clearing, using IT-skills in combination with Magic to pinpoint virusses, malfunctioning software processes etc. or even operating processes on a maintenance level - to finally identify the bad energy forms, drag them out and send them into the light ...

namaste

johannes

Hey Samuel!

I am not sure where to begin, but you've identified a pattern which has happened in my life too, if at a somewhat more mild degree. It has happened to my Wife and to others I know, as well.

To my understanding, it is your Shadow that is working. I once saw a seminar about the Mayan calendar, based on a Jungian perspective.  You can find some videos of it here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZANMpLMS-xs)  It got some conspiracy theory stuff in it, but the Jungian stuff is really right on spot. What he said, is that the material that becomes suppressed in you, -conspires with the universe- to bring external events that matches it. What you resist, persists, whether you are conscious of it or not.

Some examples of my own: Every time I wanted to start getting up early to enjoy the morning, take walks and practice long, relaxing yoga sessions, I would be thrown for a loop.. Some illness or some barring event would show up almost immediately. The same thing if I felt very much at ease, some situation would arise that would say "Nuh uh, you are not done yet"

Eckhart Tolle calls it the Painbody, which I think is a very good description of this dark, hidden side. It looks for pain, and it creates pain. The only way to dissolve it, is through awareness and love. The guardian. Your greatest vice and greatest blessing.

It's there because of your ego, but is at the same time divine. From my perspective, when a hindering situation like this shows up, it can serve a few different purposes, and they can all serve your spiritual growth.

* Do you give your power away to circumstances? Do you allow a physical discomfort or unexpected problem throw you off from where you wish to be every single time?  If that's the case I'd say you are giving your power away.

* Does the situation completely hinder you? It may also be Goddess pushing you in a different direction. If you hadn't gone through certain experiences, would you have been here now, writing  and reading these thing in the Tea Room?

I have a lifetime experience of giving my power away to circumstances, may they be physical or to some sort of fear or other.   The Shadow grows if you push on it, become victimized by it. The only reason it feels so much like an enemy is because it was made one.

I know, it is so easy to say, and trust me, I know how tough it is. The pain created can feel unbearable and it can seem so unfair. From lack of  real life events, it will create fictions . Fears and dramas about things that don't even exist.

Both the possibilities that I mentioned could be right at any given time, too. It's a pattern, and you've identified it.

I've found that sending love usually doesn't work well. It becomes a projection, like an arrow unto itself. Feel the love instead, and it is reflected back to you.

If you can see your DB, that's great. Because she is also your Shadow, and she can give you the responses you need. When a situation shows up, or you fear it may show up, ask her about it. Ask the very source for insights about the situations.

None of it is permanent, and none of it is insurmountable. The only thing that holds a pattern in place, is by reacting from the perspective of the pattern. Look at it from outside the pattern, talk to the DB and the Shadow, and things will change. How and into what is all up to Goddess...

You are communicating quite clearly! It's a dilemma you are not alone with!

Namaste!
Gustaf

: Hey,

:     I've been a member of FST for about a year, yet this will be my first post, thus kind of an introduction. K-list lurker for about 6 months longer...

:     First of all thanks to all, K-list and FST has really helped me alot. Still I have this problem I can't really find away out of.

:     I short, when I'm happy or about to be, servers crash.

:     I have a company with a friend which is an online service that we charge money for. It's an important part of many press/information people at medium to large companies. So if servers crash, it's a bad thing.
:     I'm not sure how to cut to the chase, so here's a try.
:    
:     I have something, maybe the "monsters" in the rooms(if the pain was a room, something mystress tought in the last FST chat) that works against me. And I don't know how to deal with it, I'm starting to really think I need some external help here. Let me try to clarify... Ever since after 4th grade I didn't do homework or otherwise have much energy for school. At the beginning of 7th grade I really tried to get my act together... Shortly after I get some strange infection next to one ear, rendering me useless for a couple of weeks. At the beginning of 8th grade I try to get my act together again, shortly after I get hit by a car on my way to school one tuesday morning. Ofcourse rendering me useless long enough to "loose intrest" again. 9th grade? I dono I think some small effort, with an appropriate counter messure.
:    
:     My company has had about 5 major server crashes( I'm the techical dude, responsible for servers/coding etc) all have been within hours of me trying to be happy about work, and only when I really gathered enought to feel really good. But the last couple of times it's come from a more strong sense of this will be good.

:     Naturally, since the one about 6 months ago or so I change my focus to relationships and the like and not really botherd about work. Lately it seems very little is needed to cause a crash.
:    
:     I guess you can see why I for the longest time was convinced life was having fun bullying me, though I'm wiser I still have the problem.

:     I've been haunted by I'm not sure how describe, but during my 2 year relationship there wasn't one day I didn't think of braking up, not because I didn't love her, quite the opposite, not sure why. But the same with work or anything good...
:    
:     I realise it could be the "rooms in the pain" but I can't ground worth much so I'm not really getting there, worked rather fine when Mystress was "present", but I can't call her everytime I wanna feel good.

:     I think my DB started showing up as blonde, instead of a pair of shoes, which I suppose is good. The thing is I can only see her at a distance otherwise I end up shooting arrows or something else lethal from
: my throat... Same if i try to send love, which I am really bad at in general too...

:     I realise I'm not communicating very well, but I hope you get the picture.
:    
: Any thoughs or suggestions would be grately appreciated.
:    
: Namaste,
:  
: Samuel

: :     I short, when I'm happy or about to be, servers crash.

: Hi Samuel,

: I guess you did it already, but if not: did you ever try to apply the "bubble spell for computers" to your servers? I mean, since you seem to be a server specialist, not just on the outside, around the boxes, but especially also inside of "the black box", i.e. around the inner components, like CPU, hard discs, disc drive controllers, network cards, interfaces, operating system, hardware drivers, software applications etc.?
: The deeper you go, the better you may succeed in keeping disrupting forces out.
: Maybe also use some "low level" entity clearing, using IT-skills in combination with Magic to pinpoint virusses, malfunctioning software processes etc. or even operating processes on a maintenance level - to finally identify the bad energy forms, drag them out and send them into the light ...

: namaste

: johannes

Thank you for your very constructive suggestion, I realised alot following it. I have yet to follow your advise though, but I'll get there . Still working on solving the crash I was working on when I sent the post. Funny thing is that before I started writing the post things just would work at everyturn I took. But when I started writing the post things flowed, for a while atleast.

Feelings like deep helplessness and despair come up but also realising that I just need to just DO the stuff I want to. Not figure out what's in the way.

I remember Mystress told me to selfindulge about a year ago, I had no idea of what she was talking about, still don't in many ways, but that will come.

Thank you!

Namaste
/Samuel

%rdquoEckhart Tolle calls it the Painbody, which I think is a very good description of this dark, hidden side. It looks for pain, and it creates pain. The only way to dissolve it, is through awareness and love. The guardian. Your greatest vice and greatest blessing.%rdquo

I have been trying to make some distinctions regarding the phenomena of upcoming karmic stuff vs. pain body, but I have found out this is not always easy. The main questions are: Does it have to come up to be released? and How can I let it up and still avoid creating more of it? Basically here are two opposite extreme views. Tolle represents one of them: We don%rsquot need the pain body and should avoid activating it. The other extreme is represented by some people who seem to do all they can do dig for more and more and more. Still both of these schools supply us with basically the same advice to handle upcoming stuff: just be there and experience it in the now. This is enough due to Tolle, but the other school also recommends us to gestalt it out.

Now, my problem is I feel terrific when I just practice the grounding and active surrender and fill up with energy through my upper chest chakra. Still, I experience a lack of engagement. I just want to be there and feel fine. And I also experience a difficult to describe lack of intensity in my sense experiences. Surrender works fine to remove stuff. But some of it persistently comes back over and over again. And I still create experiences of mean people lying and cheating and playing a lot of crazy power games at my work-place.

As the persistent stuff seems to be kind of anchored in my physical body I have started to practice rather intense kundalini-yoga methods to clean the body. Most important I do the Sat kriya for 11 minutes every morning. This is a combination of kegels and stomach contraction, while stretching the arms upwards, which is really intense. The idea is to clean out the three lower chakras effectively. This brings up stuff and you might say that it activates my pain body. Therefore I don%rsquot feel terrific most of the time. This is okay; I know what to do to get back to that state. But how can I tell when I am no longer handling upcoming stuff, but am instead creating new stuff?

I think the opposing views go hand in hand. When "you" have high energy the small holes in the consciousness does not matter much, we can handle it.. but eventually they bring energies down to a level where the pain starts. I have tried both digging for stuff.. and being present without going into resistance. Fx. when i find myself being in emotional pain, i have noticed that i have accustomed myself to covering it up. But when i ask myself why i need to cover my pain up, the conflict stops and i feel ok. Usually it is enough to say: "Tommy, it is ok to feel *insert pain here*". I pay attention to the triggers ~ need to be approved by everyone (even the f**** that dislike everyone), made a mistake ~ pride/need to be perfect/better is usually the inner conflicts that keeps the ball of pain rolling.

So for me the "revelation" has been to be aware of both extremes at the same time, and learn to find myself within the construct of my current consciousness. When I am "high" i tend/used to to go into my superman patterns and charge life full on.. everything is possible!! Untill i was depleted.. then i would be the mouse .. humled by my own utter lack of *whatever brought me down*.

I try now to be myself without having different strategies for different energylevels. When i am high, i go to work.. am nice, do my best. When i am low, i go to work.. am nice, do my best. This solves for me atleast 90% of inner conflict.. since i dont have to compensate for a previous low.. or pace myself to get to the next high. I thought this would be a slowing down and just leed to be a couch potato (due to lack of drive).. but i have been promoted twice in 1½ months without doing anything to acchieve it.

So i guess life sometimes calls for digging, and sometimes for forgetting, but since all aspects of consciousness calls for transformation.. it depends wether one works on patterns in the center, dents/holes or spikes/frontier breakers.

**1. The main questions are: Does it have to come up to be released? 2. and How can I let it up and still avoid creating more of it?

1: I guess yes.. or down But i do not believe it has to be lived out as pain and inner conflict.. or continously being experienced in daily life.

2: Notice the inner conflicts that holds the patterns in place. See it from your own perspective.. not go down the me vs. them alley. Maybe others are bullies and asholes.. but the inner conflict and pain you experience is your own. Fx. I someones talks down to you.. and treat you like garbage, he is an ass. But so what? Does it mean that you are less because he thinks less of you? Does it mean that you have to defend your value? And is it necesarry for you to have "him" see and accept your value? And is this a battle you want in life?

Labelling him as and ass wont set you free by the way *ss* I have tried.. somehow it is trying to come out on top in an inferior/superior conflict without fighting for it. And even if you manage to come out on top on the inside you have still lost since you did not find yourself.. only the "i am because others are less".

Find your center and live from there. Find the main "triggers" you project unto others. It does not have to be advanced. (because of something that happened in 610 B.C. etc.). I had a 10 second conflict a while back with a stranger overhearing my conversation with some guy  = I was boasting about how good i am.. she got angry.. not by anything i said, but because i was saying something positive about myself (me and the another guy was joking). I am not responsible for her anger and reaction, but i clearly saw how/why boasting triggers anger in people.. so i cut down on this. And found some of my reasons for acting out this behavior, and cut down on this as well.

Sometimes one has to set boundaries of course.. but with all the bullies around one has to fight everyday it seems. But when the patterns holding the "drama" in place is not surrendered.. it will surely remain latent and eventually come up again.

For me atleast i have been the victim in life alot, and even when i can see how the character flaws in others i bad and less than love.. it does not set me free. Blaming only takes us so far.. but pain is just so damn easy to justify.

I was being trained in my new function at work: I was in a "good state".. and got along very well with the lady responsible for my training. But after 1½ week she started to "snare" (using a harsh tone). I had not slept long that night and was a bit tired, but instead of being bitchy with her to get even, or being sad because she didnt like me no more.. i went into my center to see what inner pain created this outer experience. I was just a minor pattern so i let it go.. and we carried on as good friends like nothing had happened. And i didnt see any relevanse in carrying a grudge.

So i am starting to believe that we create our own reality.. but i am still only at lesson 2 called: "damage control" ))))

But i guess with some training and surrendering of the small self, i can adjust and correct as easily when life drops some big bombs. Unfortunately only transformation of consciousness leeds there, fighting is more fun.. but only strenghtens the sense of seperation.

But i have only started to experience consciousness. Earlier i had a mind, emotions, ego, lowerself, higher self.. now it is more an experience of consciousness where the borders are not so well defined. Somewhere in this consciousnes i sense a center.. but since i still does not know everything.. walk on water etc. i guess i have still not found the true center.. or atleast not tried to see myself from that perspective.

Just my dollars and nickels
(((((*O*)))))

: %rdquoEckhart Tolle calls it the Painbody, which I think is a very good description of this dark, hidden side. It looks for pain, and it creates pain. The only way to dissolve it, is through awareness and love. The guardian. Your greatest vice and greatest blessing.%rdquo

: I have been trying to make some distinctions regarding the phenomena of upcoming karmic stuff vs. pain body, but I have found out this is not always easy. The main questions are: Does it have to come up to be released? and How can I let it up and still avoid creating more of it? Basically here are two opposite extreme views. Tolle represents one of them: We don%rsquot need the pain body and should avoid activating it. The other extreme is represented by some people who seem to do all they can do dig for more and more and more. Still both of these schools supply us with basically the same advice to handle upcoming stuff: just be there and experience it in the now. This is enough due to Tolle, but the other school also recommends us to gestalt it out.

: Now, my problem is I feel terrific when I just practice the grounding and active surrender and fill up with energy through my upper chest chakra. Still, I experience a lack of engagement. I just want to be there and feel fine. And I also experience a difficult to describe lack of intensity in my sense experiences. Surrender works fine to remove stuff. But some of it persistently comes back over and over again. And I still create experiences of mean people lying and cheating and playing a lot of crazy power games at my work-place.

: As the persistent stuff seems to be kind of anchored in my physical body I have started to practice rather intense kundalini-yoga methods to clean the body. Most important I do the Sat kriya for 11 minutes every morning. This is a combination of kegels and stomach contraction, while stretching the arms upwards, which is really intense. The idea is to clean out the three lower chakras effectively. This brings up stuff and you might say that it activates my pain body. Therefore I don%rsquot feel terrific most of the time. This is okay; I know what to do to get back to that state. But how can I tell when I am no longer handling upcoming stuff, but am instead creating new stuff?

I had to think on it, Samuel. You are not a whiner and I don't think you need help either.

 What I notice, is the sabotage gets set up whenever you attach to something, or projct expectations into the future. Like Richard Bach says, the problem is a gift you haven't found the purpose for yet.

 "Should" is an ego word, eh? Should get your stuff together, should do well in school. Who is in control? Not your ego! Get used to it.

  For me, sometimes the effect can be ridiculous. I'll have an inappropriate thought of something to say, and think "Must not" and as soon as I am distracted, or even sooner the very words will be coming out of my mouth, and I'll be embarrassed thinking oops, ego tried to control again... Goddess spanks.

 Or if I think, I'll not have another cigarette right now, or chocolate or whatever... next thing I know I am smoking or eating and I am not sure how it happened... body did it autopilot while I was distracted. Whereas if I don't try to force or control my appetites, body doesn't have to show me the futility of control.  

 I am deeply committed to my druidy hubby, but every week or two.. at least once a month I find myself thinking what I would do if he died. It used to bother me but now I know, it is just attachments coming up to be surrendered.

 If ego tries to force you to do something where Goddess does not agree, shit will explode. Even if Goddess does agree, but ego needs to be reminded it is not in charge... boom sabotage.

 Your problem is not a problem, it is a call for dedicated discipline to surrender and stay in the moment.

 Bubble spells on the servers will help, also have a chat with your inner self about how servers don't belong to you. Work on your discernment, and work out a signal your unconscious can give you when you are attaching, so you can be mindful and the message doesn't have to manifest into your physical environment. In the meantime, respond to explosions with gratitude.

 Blessings.

: Hey,

:     I've been a member of FST for about a year, yet this will be my first post, thus kind of an introduction. K-list lurker for about 6 months longer...

:     First of all thanks to all, K-list and FST has really helped me alot. Still I have this problem I can't really find away out of.

:     I short, when I'm happy or about to be, servers crash.

:     I have a company with a friend which is an online service that we charge money for. It's an important part of many press/information people at medium to large companies. So if servers crash, it's a bad thing.
:     I'm not sure how to cut to the chase, so here's a try.
:    
:     I have something, maybe the "monsters" in the rooms(if the pain was a room, something mystress tought in the last FST chat) that works against me. And I don't know how to deal with it, I'm starting to really think I need some external help here. Let me try to clarify... Ever since after 4th grade I didn't do homework or otherwise have much energy for school. At the beginning of 7th grade I really tried to get my act together... Shortly after I get some strange infection next to one ear, rendering me useless for a couple of weeks. At the beginning of 8th grade I try to get my act together again, shortly after I get hit by a car on my way to school one tuesday morning. Ofcourse rendering me useless long enough to "loose intrest" again. 9th grade? I dono I think some small effort, with an appropriate counter messure.
:    
:     My company has had about 5 major server crashes( I'm the techical dude, responsible for servers/coding etc) all have been within hours of me trying to be happy about work, and only when I really gathered enought to feel really good. But the last couple of times it's come from a more strong sense of this will be good.

:     Naturally, since the one about 6 months ago or so I change my focus to relationships and the like and not really botherd about work. Lately it seems very little is needed to cause a crash.
:    
:     I guess you can see why I for the longest time was convinced life was having fun bullying me, though I'm wiser I still have the problem.

:     I've been haunted by I'm not sure how describe, but during my 2 year relationship there wasn't one day I didn't think of braking up, not because I didn't love her, quite the opposite, not sure why. But the same with work or anything good...
:    
:     I realise it could be the "rooms in the pain" but I can't ground worth much so I'm not really getting there, worked rather fine when Mystress was "present", but I can't call her everytime I wanna feel good.

:     I think my DB started showing up as blonde, instead of a pair of shoes, which I suppose is good. The thing is I can only see her at a distance otherwise I end up shooting arrows or something else lethal from
: my throat... Same if i try to send love, which I am really bad at in general too...

:     I realise I'm not communicating very well, but I hope you get the picture.
:    
: Any thoughs or suggestions would be grately appreciated.
:    
: Namaste,
:  
: Samuel

  Samuel, are you following your bliss? Do you even know what is blissful to you? When you were a kid fantasising what kind of man you would be, did you ever picture yourself babysitting computers?  Self indulge: do the stuff you want to.

  Blessings...

: I remember Mystress told me to selfindulge about a year ago, I had no idea of what she was talking about, still don't in many ways, but that will come.

: Thank you!

: Namaste
: /Samuel