Things are going well for me. Especially as long as I'm doing the grounding meditation. I love and trust the simplicity of it.

One of my oldest issues has been letting my intuition and empathy for others crowd myself out, and deplete me. I've been having a much easier time setting gentle boundaries and taking my own space. It's been subtle, but I've been noticing the emotional calm and relief it brings me.

I'm still struggling with my anger against this man. This man who mistook himself for a tobacco corporation. Did I tell you how it ended? At one point he had offered to pay for half of the medical expenses (somehow this seemed extremely ungentlemanly - although I didn't say so at the time - I think he should have paid for all them). I mailed him copies of the bills and tests - he mailed me back a check for about a third with a typed letter on his letterhead - saying:

"Enclosed please find a check to help defray your recent medical expenses. I'm sending this check as a measure of my concern for the emotional and financial difficulties you've been suffering.

However, this check should in no way be considered an admission of my paternity re: your recent pregnancy and its termination, I absolutely disavow any paternal responsibility.

Please do not ever contact me again by phone, mail, email or in person. Please do not ever come to my residence or to my classroom."

This is just so wrong. Every line of it. The disingenuous claim of sympathy and concern. The sophomoric legalism of the language. The "disavowal" of paternity and the obvious implication that I was trying to foist another man's child on him. The absurdity of a fear of legal paternal responsibility to an aborted fetus. The narcissistic presumption that I would pursue him on some level.

The soulless and fear-bound attempt to deny me my emotional rights to closure. The unreasonableness of his "reason" that has no basis in reality.

Shame on him. Shame on him. Shame on him.

How dare he have no more self-awareness than that? How dare he subject himself on the world? On me???

My recurring revenge fantasy is to be at a party where many of his friends are and quietly, but completely denounce him - expose him for the charlatan he is. He just soooo wants to appear "cool". A 45 year-old man - still being cruel, like a kid in High School with no internal locus of control. He fancies himself a Dominant. HA!! Ludicrous.

My other fantasy is just to punch him in the face - bloody nose and all.

OK, so what does this have to do with my own spiritual journey?

#1 - the righteous indignation. I am learning, trying hard, how to fight from my own frame of reference for mySELF. I can be a regular she-wolf defending my love ones, and I've fought many other times for myself, but using the other's frame of reference - and not my own, for myself. For me to argue against the prick in his own terms would be to give up MY reality. And I'm trying, struggling hard here - to figure out how to maintain mySELF, my knowledge, and my feelings - and see if there's still anyway to communicate. Because the anger wants out -

#2 - I haven't responded to him. Not in deference to HIS wish, but because, really, I can't find a balanced point to do or say anything to him

#3 - I want to see this energy in myself and what it will do and is doing, maybe I'm burning some of this Karma now. Why engender more?

Interestingly, right now on the work front some very VERY powerful men are turning to me, asking for my leadership. Wanting to "bring me out". Could a domina be in the making?

LOL

X.

: Things are going well for me. Especially as long as I'm doing the grounding meditation. I love and trust the simplicity of it.

Good! Glad it is going well for you!

: One of my oldest issues has been letting my intuition and empathy for others crowd myself out, and deplete me. I've been having a much easier time setting gentle boundaries and taking my own space. It's been subtle, but I've been noticing the emotional calm and relief it brings me.

The grounding helps.. when you are filled, there is not so much emptiness for the empathy to fill.

: I'm still struggling with my anger against this man.
: The soulless and fear-bound attempt to deny me my emotional rights to closure. The unreasonableness of his "reason" that has no basis in reality.

What you are not seeing, is that he is terrified of you. T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D-!!! Take a look at that..
  It is like he is trying to negotiate with a grizzly bear, for his life.. he wants to bribe you, shut you out close you off, make you and the awful feelings you stir in him go away any way he can. Men are not good at speaking about their emotions, generally speaking.. that is why what is coming out is this cold legalese. He is not good at dealing with his own emotions, he is trying to shut them out, turn them off.. and you being the spark that stirs them, his efforts to turn you off, are incidental. Projections.

: Shame on him. Shame on him. Shame on him.

: How dare he have no more self-awareness than that? How dare he subject himself on the world? On me???

Goddess is All that Is. Him, too.

: My recurring revenge fantasy is to be at a party where many of his friends are and quietly, but completely denounce him - expose him for the charlatan he is. He just soooo wants to appear "cool". A 45 year-old man - still being cruel, like a kid in High School with no internal locus of control. He fancies himself a Dominant. HA!! Ludicrous.

Sure.. that scenario is one of the things he is afraid of.. but truthfully? It is not him you are mad at.. it is yourself.. for gving your power away to an unworthy icon. For trading yourself away so easily.. for.. what else? Only you know that.. but.. what is outside is inside.

 One of the nice things about working with the Divine Beloved, is you can split yourself in two, and have a conversation with yourself. Sort things out. This guy, as everything is, is a reflection of your Divine Beloved, showing you what needs to be cleared.
 Someone directed me to a very kewl website today, to the amazing work of Byron Katie. She is a woman who had a "satori" moment in 1996 and without a spek of spiritual training anywhere, became spontaneously self realized. Ever since then she is attracting all kinds of folks with her amazing glow. People kept asking her to teach them, and it took her a few years to distill her experience into something expresible.. but when she did, she came out with 4 questions that she calls "The work". Really, so beautifully simple that I was embarrassed at the length of this course! LOL!! Many paths..

Is it true?  
Can I really know that it's true?  
What do I get when I hold that belief?  
Who (or what) would I be without that belief?  

 She suggests that you apply those questions to clear any belief that creates a result that annoys you.

  Kewl.. I decided to try it, and went off to my bed to relax and meditate. I cleared a few things that have been on my mind, then fell asleep while looking for more.. and had a very strange dream, where my beloved druid was acting quite unlike himself, and really annoying me.. even while I was annoyed, in the dream I still loved him and could not figger out why he was behaving like he was. Then it seemed like he had split into 4 people, and I had smushed three of them back into one and was calling out for the fourth when the real druid came home from work ... Guess that was the fourth one.
 I was awake enough to hear him come in, and know what I was hearing.. but also still in the dream and in sleep paralysis so it was a few minutes before I could wake up enough to call out to him and tell him about my dream.
The thing is.. the druid in my dream, was a manifestation of my inner Divine Beloved.. perfectly roleplaying the annoyances I fell asleep looking for.. In my dreams, my Divine Beloved usually shows up as druid or David Bowie.. Occasionally as someone else..

  So, a bit later this evening I will use the information provided in the dream to work out the annoyances and clear them.
  This is a long way of saying that your anger and frustration with this man is just that.. It is Yours. Blaming someone else for how you feel, is giving your power away.
  Your anger is certainly reasonable and justified.. for sure it is.. but will reasons and justifications (ego food) help you to dig out the underlying fear and hurt that truly fuel it?

: My other fantasy is just to punch him in the face - bloody nose and all.

Loss of face, loss of power, loss of blood.. those are all things that you experienced.

: OK, so what does this have to do with my own spiritual journey?

: #1 - the righteous indignation. I am learning, trying hard, how to fight from my own frame of reference for mySELF. I can be a regular she-wolf defending my love ones, and I've fought many other times for myself, but using the other's frame of reference - and not my own, for myself. For me to argue against the prick in his own terms would be to give up MY reality. And I'm trying, struggling hard here - to figure out how to maintain mySELF, my knowledge, and my feelings - and see if there's still anyway to communicate. Because the anger wants out -

: #2 - I haven't responded to him. Not in deference to HIS wish, but because, really, I can't find a balanced point to do or say anything to him

Well, these two things contradict each other, so it's no surprise you are conflicted. You are looking for a balanced way to express anger.. is there ever a balanced way to do that? If you were feeling balanced, then probably you would not be angry.
What makes you think you have to express anger in a balanced way? What is wrong with being a psychotic screeching harpy, if it is how you really feel? Genuinely? Look at the judgments you have around that.. what you said about him needing to appear "cool" seems to be your need too. He is obviously afraid of his feelings, and your being afraid of your feelings is more of the same.. isn't it?
 You say that you have always fought for other people using their frame of reference, and now you do not know how to stand up for yourself, without falling into his frame of reference.
  Consider, maybe you don't have a frame of reference of your own, to fight from? You have never needed to make one, before.. or, you do have one, but you don't know what it is. You don't have the Kung-fu practice, to build the conditioned reflexes of the warrior. Is this a bad thing? Who needs more conditioning?

 Personally, if I do have to fight, I tend to find the "Ugly mirror", reflecting people's stuff back at them, to be perfectly effective.. That whole Judo thing of redirecting the momentum of the opponent's punch so they fall flat on their face is very kewl. Effortless.

: #3 - I want to see this energy in myself and what it will do and is doing, maybe I'm burning some of this Karma now. Why engender more?

Well, I think you are digging through the karma to release it, and that is worth doing. I think that is the whole point of this event. Just remember, it's not about what someone else does.. it is about how you feel about it.. and that is all about YOU. I know is some ways that is exactly what an angry person does not want to hear, but it is what an angry person on the path of Enlightement needs to hear... because it is all about taking yur power back.

:
: Interestingly, right now on the work front some very VERY powerful men are turning to me, asking for my leadership. Wanting to "bring me out". Could a domina be in the making?

I think it is about you finding your own power.. and typically, other folks see it in you, before you do.

 Interesting post, Xerxenca. Thank you.
     Blessings..

: LOL

: X.

Hi.

These are very helpful posts for me, thanks.

:   Personally, if I do have to fight, I tend to find the "Ugly mirror", reflecting people's stuff back at them, to be perfectly effective.. That whole Judo thing of redirecting the momentum of the opponent's punch so they fall flat on their face is very kewl. Effortless.

Is this an intent thing?  Effortless?  I wonder how to do it?  Or am i already by finding and defining the issues i need to deal with - within  the context of his actions? It sounds like the perfect answer.  Would you expand a bit?

Peace,
carla

 Hi Carla:

  Seems odd for me to be teaching you how to argue.. LOL!! Oh, well..
 3 things: mirroring, the witness state, and active listening. Active listening and the witness state are both about getting your own ego out of the way, so you are bulletproof and you are acting, not re-acting emotionally.

 For me, my ADD brain yanks me into witness whenever I am attacked or threatened, so I kind of have a built in breaker switch.. and so most people think I am bulletproof.. but actually, I am incredibly vulnerable, it just does not show. When I have handled the threat, I come back to a body that has all these arrows stuck in it like St. Sebastian!  It is like how when you are really working out or playing a sport and you have adrenaline and endorphins, you don't notice the bruises till later when you are relaxing.
It is also detachment similar to how someone in a really bad car accident, for instance, will see it like it is happeneing in slow motion, they won't feel pain, and it might seem like they are observing themselves from outside of themselves. Except for me, my breaker switch is wonky and any crisis or hostility will knock me into that state.. I appear like the tough chick, but I'm acually a very sensitive being who gets knocked OBE into the witness state of detachment very easily, by any strong emotion, even great bliss..

 There are a few aspects to the mirror.. you have to keep foremost in mind, that anything anyone says, is a reflection of who they are.. We are always talking about ourselves, especially when we are pointing fingers.  Like they say, when you point a finger, 3 fingers are pointing back at you. So the strongest jabs of your opponent are also the places where they are weakest... and vice-versa. The things that bug you most about them, are really all about you. You are the one bugged.

The duality of this, is the more you do it, the more you will be aware of how what you say about other people, is really all about you... so you can look at your gossip and criticism of other people, and see where all your issues are. This is mindfullness. As a mindfullness excercise, think of stuff that bugs you, and turn it around and look how you are just like that! LOL!!  Then, forgive yourself and surrender..

 For examples, you have seen me do it on K-list.. with Carol, Vickie, JB.. Remember when Carol was going on and on about the judgmental people? She was being judgmental! JB kept complaining about how we were not doing enough for the suffering in the world.. I asked him what he was doing for the suffering? I pointed out how his hostility actually was creating more suffering. He shut right up.
 Vickie kept going into a victim state, of blame... and I poiinted out that even plants fight and compete for resources, but they don't try to blame each other and create guilt. Accusers create victims, after all.. blame is a sharp sword to wield. I also pointed out that victimhood is automatically disempowering.

 What I did, looked very harsh.. but as it was really coming from the Witness state, it was all compassion. Being a mirror so they could see themselves, and decide if what they saw, was who they really wanted to be. I see Goddess in them, and by their judgments they tell me where they do not see Goddess in themselves.

 I do it with you folks too.. but gentler. Like Xerxenca's scorn for the guy being "cool" while she was trying to find a way to express anger with balance.
I don't judge you folks, I try to avoid making judgments.. because after all, my judgments are all about me!  
 I observe the judgments you make about yourselves and others and reflect them back, so you look inward... which is where all the answers really are.

 But, it is not about just trading insults like children.. (am not! you are! no, you are! Am not!Are too! Am not!)
  That is where the Witness comes in.. and remember, the Witness state is also a state of unconditional love. It allows you to see the big picture, what is really occuring. It is also a completely unemotional state.. hard to get there for most people, if you are hurt or pissed off.. but that is when it is most useful. Practice, practice, practice. That is why Goddess gives you these challenging situations.

  Similarly, active listening allows you to hear the words behind the words. To be an active listener, you have to be selfless. Forget yourself, don't try to think about what you plan to say next. Focus entirely on what the person is saying.. they may be saying it about you, but anything they say is really about them... so forget about yourself, and focus on what they are telling you about who they are... and from the witness state, you will be shown evidence to back up the comments they are making... about themselves. Then you can reflect it back, calmly and rationally.  

   Like how you kept wanting strong men to take care of you, but kept attracting men who wanted a mommy. See how projections reflect? All of us are each walking around in a universe of our own projections, ourselves is all we can see, all we can know.

 Take a few moments and think about this. Think of someone who is attacking you, go into the Witness and see how they are truly speaking of themselves.. Then do the same with your criticisms of them.. notice how what bugs you about what they do, is stuff you do, too.. it is all about you.

When you have done this, you will probably find that the anger and the argument really no longer exists. Instead you will see the situation for what it is, and probably you will have some ideas about a compassionate solution that serves you both.

  The final thing, is polarities. I use polarities a lot, especialy when I am negotiating with someone to get them to soften their polarized position and find a middle path. If you can hold two contradictory ideas in mind and realize the truth of them both, they collapse into each other and come to a higher truth.

Example: The exception proves the rule. AND
A rule that has an exception is no longer a rule.
Result: There are no rules, only beliefs and opinions.
Do you see how the result is more free and empowering that either of the polarities? It is human. A middle path. Buddha says to follow the middle path, but you cannot find the middle unless you know where the edges are. So, take two opposite extremes and put them together.. like folding a paper or rope in half to find the middle.

 So, whenever you are faced with a rule: an absolute position, look for an exception. Do it with all of your most cherished beliefs.
hmmmm.. let me see if I can find an example.. I don't have too many cherished beliefs, I've already collapsed most of them..

(10 minutes of thinking) Well, best I can come up with, are rules of physics, like "Gravity works".. everybody knows that gravity works.. yet thee have been well documented cases of levitation, plus those mysterious bumblebees..  so, gravity is not the absolute rule it appears to be.

Another would be, people drown in water... yet there are many well documented cases of small children who fell into a swiming pool, or through the ice of a lake for 20 minutes and suffered no ill effects. They were too young to know the "rule".

 Even laws of nature and physics have exceptions.. so they are not actually "rules" at all. Just beliefs.

A lot of people use rules and absolutes when arguing.. and an exception deflates the absolute. Whether it is in them, or in your own mind. People arguing use "you always" or "you never".. Usually these are emotional statements, and by deflating the absolute by pointing out the exception, you can get to the core of the underlying emotion, and deal with that.

 Remember too, to be gentle.. what I am teaching you is very powerful, and can be a very sharp sword. Always give your opponent a back door.. an opportunity to save some face with a graceful exit, because it is the cornered rat, that is the most dangerous. Use these dynamics to take your power back, and re balance your relationships, but don't forget the value in mercy, and the grace of surrender.

Well, that's quite an essay! Hope you find it useful.. Blessings!

: Is this an intent thing?  Effortless?  I wonder how to do it?  Or am i already by finding and defining the issues i need to deal with - within  the context of his actions? It sounds like the perfect answer.  Would you expand a bit?

:
: Peace,
: carla

Hey,

: One of my oldest issues has been letting my intuition and empathy for others crowd myself out, and deplete me. I've been having a much easier time setting gentle boundaries and taking my own space. It's been subtle, but I've been noticing the emotional calm and relief it brings me.

I'm learning something similar too. I just cut loose some crazymakers in my life that used to suck my energy and return nothing. Feels great. But I do feel mean sometimes.

: I'm still struggling with my anger against this man. This man who mistook himself for a tobacco corporation. Did I tell you how it ended? . . .

What a slob. Time for the anger mantra:

"Fuck that motherfucking bullshit
Kiss my motherfucking ass"

which, loosely translated means: "Dear Goddess, please remove this anger from my heart."

It works surprisingly well for me.

: My recurring revenge fantasy is to be at a party where many of his friends are and quietly, but completely denounce him - expose him for the charlatan he is. My other fantasy is just to punch him in the face - bloody nose and all.

I know, can't help having those revenge fantasies, but also it's a good thing to try and keep conscious of the fact that the revenge fantasies are utilizing yr energy that might be spent better on other stuff. Still, there is a period where anger goes this way, so I guess it's a natural part of anger release.

: #2 - I haven't responded to him. Not in deference to HIS wish, but because, really, I can't find a balanced point to do or say anything to him

Personally, I wouldn't respond to him. My own experience is that whenever I respond in such a situation, it's because I expect to get some kind of power or relief from it. This guy is a master in making people feel powerless and angry, and he would probably not respond in any way that would help you, if he responded at all, which might also drive you crazy. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing yr still "messed up" over this. Probably the last thing he expects is that you'll really adhere to his letter's request to not contact him, and then he can make a big drama over how nuts you are. So fuck his motherfucking bullshit. But don't kiss his ass.

: #3 - I want to see this energy in myself and what it will do and is doing, maybe I'm burning some of this Karma now. Why engender more?

Sounds good to me.

Peace,
Barg

:
:    Seems odd for me to be teaching you how to argue.. LOL!! Oh, well..

Yea - probably.  But i don%rsquot do it very well...always *re*-acting.  This is a really good
essay - i thank you for taking the time.

This is mindfullness. As a mindfullness exercise, think of stuff that bugs you, and turn
it around and look how you are just like that! LOL!!  Then, forgive yourself and
surrender..

 I have to do a big *yuck* when mirroring...obtuse, passive-aggressive, scum sucking
bottom feeder.  Just a few of the terms i use for him, so when i search myself and find
them in me....eeewwwww.  I try to pull out of it and see how everything is all for the best
and all that happycrap.  But.....aaarrrrrrrggghhh.

:   Remember too, to be gentle.. what I am teaching you is very powerful, and can be a
very sharp sword. Always give your opponent a back door.. an opportunity to save some
face with a graceful exit, because it is the cornered rat, that is the most dangerous. Use
these dynamics to take your power back, and re balance your relationships, but don't
forget the value in mercy, and the grace of surrender.

I%rsquom trying to do that very thing.  Seeing so many less than desirable traits here is so
uncomfortable.  And it seems there is no back door..no saving face or graceful exits for
me in this situation.  I know that%rsquos my ego.  Yuck again.  I just gotta get it behind me.

:Blessings!

To you, too.  : )

Peace,
carla

 Looking in the "ugly mirror" is not much fun.. but it is so useful!! Fast track growth. Just remember to surrender what you see.. "Goddess please take this, it is a gift for you. Thank you very much!"..then breathe.. You are not being shown this stuff, so you can beat yourself up about it.. you are being shown it so you can give your free will consent to let it go.
Let it go..
 Blessings!

Carla wrote:
: I%rsquom trying to do that very thing.  Seeing so many less than desirable traits here is so
: uncomfortable.  And it seems there is no back door..no saving face or graceful exits for
: me in this situation.  I know that%rsquos my ego.  Yuck again.  I just gotta get it behind me.

:
: :Blessings!

: To you, too.  : )

: Peace,
: carla

:  Looking in the "ugly mirror" is not much fun.. but it is so useful!! Fast track growth. Just remember to surrender what you see.. "Goddess please take this, it is a gift for you. Thank you very much!"..then breathe.. You are not being shown this stuff, so you can beat yourself up about it.. you are being shown it so you can give your free will consent to let it go.
: Let it go..
:   Blessings!

>sigh< right, right - that would be the point :-)

I'm afraid I've been caught a little in a shame spiral over so much of my stuff. I just realized a little bit that while all of the negative stuff I'm seeing is mine, the protective parts are mine too! My balance in the "negative" "positive stuff gets a little wobbly and it's great to be reminded that we can let it go - and give it back to Goddess.

How about a little mindful prayer to give back free floating anxiety - which is one of the faces of OBE and witness that can be a little debilitating for me?

As the grounding goddess sees fit-
X.

 Xerxenca, sorry I overlooked this post, before..

: : Looking in the "ugly mirror" is not much fun.. but it is so useful!! Fast track growth. Just remember to surrender what you see.. "Goddess please take this, it is a gift for you. Thank you very much!"..then breathe.. You are not being shown this stuff, so you can beat yourself up about it.. you are being shown it so you can give your free will consent to let it go.
: : Let it go..
: :   Blessings!

: >sigh< right, right - that would be the point :-)

Yep.

: I'm afraid I've been caught a little in a shame spiral over so much of my stuff. I just realized a little bit that while all of the negative stuff I'm seeing is mine, the protective parts are mine too! My balance in the "negative" "positive stuff gets a little wobbly and it's great to be reminded that we can let it go - and give it back to Goddess.

The more you surrender, the easier it gets!

: How about a little mindful prayer to give back free floating anxiety - which is one of the faces of OBE and witness that can be a little debilitating for me?

Hmm.. the first thing that came into my head was "Every day in every way I'm getting better and better!" LOL!! "Goddess has it handled." might work better...

Observe where within yourself the anxiety sits. Either by feeling it or looking inward for the shadowy blockages, and surrendering it, either way. Anxiety stuff is often entities, so if you notice it keeps showing up in the same place and it seems to wiggle when you focus your atttention on it, do an entity clearing.
The final thing is, don't forget to fll the holes and spaces left after surrendering, with light and grace.

"Goddess please take these holes and spaces whre the stuff I surrendered used to be, and fill them with your light and grace. thank you."  
Blessings!

: As the grounding goddess sees fit-
: X.