Hi--

I haven't posted here for a while.  I had a pretty heavy experience a few months ago and I'm just beginning to get my balance.  Actually, I'm still kind of messed up

Anyway, I started doing the lessons again, and I started doing kegel exercises.  Today I read about Scott E leaving and the reasoning he gave.  It's true, Mystress doesn't always respond.  I figured it was because of the nature of my inquieries.  And although I respect her a lot and am terrifically grateful for the things I've learned in this course, I have to admit I am a little bit afraid of her.  I am afraid that in the end I won't measure up somehow, and she will reject me.  I guess that's kind of silly, isn't it?

Paris

Hello Paris!

Actually, not silly at all.  Mystress does have a very dominant, straightforward and confident persona in many ways. I have had the same feelings myself. That I would be rejected, not be "spiritual" enough, or be ridiculous for my humanity.  

I noticed a pattern in it though, and that this tendency presented itself with pretty much all spiritual teachers I ran across.. Of not measuring up.

Do you know what the biggest opener for that was? To experience their humanity. That they can be angry, tired, frustrated, ill, excited and everything that happens to the rest of us. After yoga class there are often students coming to me all wide-eyed with all sorts of questions about the essence of meditation, when I have had a bad day myself!  Maybe been tired, had lots of intense work, or maybe frustrated about some itchy, red skin on my face!  Suddenly I find myself in a similar place, where I am supposed to know and understand everything..  Of course I don't, but all the right answers seem to come anyway. Goddess did it.

I used to read a lot of books by Swami Satyananda.  I could write an entire book on all the contradictions.. Or even more extreme case of Osho, he can contradict himself in a single sentence...  Of course, the realm of the crown chakra is filled with contradictions existing simultaneously.. Ah the mystery.

I've found that many of my insecurities with people come from the source of fearing to be told something I don't want to hear. I have received no answer to many of my posts as well, or she tends to respond when I have already realized/cleared the issue!   Probably because she would prefer if I handle it myself, come to the discoveries and grow from them, realizing my own power. Not always fun when all hell seem to be breaking lose (which seems to be a fairly commmon occurence for k-lites) But after the storm has passed it's worth it. The laughter or relief upon realizing the futility of a struggle or self-inflicted suffering..    Yet at other times a reply right away can be very useful, just for that nudge in the right direction.

I somehow managed to come through the whole course, but realized at the graduation that it was only the beginning.

Welcome back Paris!

Namaste
Gustaf
: Hi--

: I haven't posted here for a while.  I had a pretty heavy experience a few months ago and I'm just beginning to get my balance.  Actually, I'm still kind of messed up

: Anyway, I started doing the lessons again, and I started doing kegel exercises.  Today I read about Scott E leaving and the reasoning he gave.  It's true, Mystress doesn't always respond.  I figured it was because of the nature of my inquieries.  And although I respect her a lot and am terrifically grateful for the things I've learned in this course, I have to admit I am a little bit afraid of her.  I am afraid that in the end I won't measure up somehow, and she will reject me.  I guess that's kind of silly, isn't it?

: Paris

Something else came to me..  Eckhart Tolle talks about something he calls "Signposts"  they are basically just pointers to that which can't be explained, only experienced through taking a jump..

One signpost could say "Meditate on being light, and everything being light"  another could say "Meditate on absolute void, nothingness, darkness"

The funny thing is, that it is -exactly- through this contradiction I had my first experience of the Void. I observed intense light surging through my body, energy field, everywhere, like waves.. I surrendered to it, and suddenly the experience of the Void appeared.

On the opposite, I have meditated on Void, Shoonya, and instead had the experience of my body being filled with light.

Didn't realize the connection until now. Thanks for bringing me to that point.

Other signposts could be "Be a witness to everything, don't be involed, watch it like a movie", then another could be "Be totally and utterly involved in what is happening, what you are doing, feeling."  Contradicting too, yet I have realized that they both do the exact same thing!  I've found that very intensively witnessing something brings whatever is experienced into a much deeper clarity and depth.. And that moving deeply into an experience MUST be done with witnessing, an awareness of the experience being there.. Otherwise thoughts come and take me away into the dance of dreams again.

Mystress told me that I am not my body, and that I am not my face. Why?  Because the issue I was writing about was reflecting a struggle and identification with it.. Me.. my body, my face, mine, what will happen to -me-?  And so on.. A transforming phrase, not an absolute truth to be put in a book.  

I know she has told others that they -are- the body.. I think I might even have been told it myself.. That may be for issues when the body is rejected, hiding away somewhere in the astral.. Not so useful either, a drama as well.

I have taken the absense of her responses most of the time as "Ok, I need to come to this realization on my own."  And sometimes the responses of other students have been exactly what was needed, instead.

Anyway just some more reflections!
Namaste
Gustaf

------------

Hello Paris!

Actually, not silly at all.  Mystress does have a very dominant, straightforward and confident persona in many ways. I have had the same feelings myself. That I would be rejected, not be "spiritual" enough, or be ridiculous for my humanity.  

I noticed a pattern in it though, and that this tendency presented itself with pretty much all spiritual teachers I ran across.. Of not measuring up.

Do you know what the biggest opener for that was? To experience their humanity. That they can be angry, tired, frustrated, ill, excited and everything that happens to the rest of us. After yoga class there are often students coming to me all wide-eyed with all sorts of questions about the essence of meditation, when I have had a bad day myself!  Maybe been tired, had lots of intense work, or maybe frustrated about some itchy, red skin on my face!  Suddenly I find myself in a similar place, where I am supposed to know and understand everything..  Of course I don't, but all the right answers seem to come anyway. Goddess did it.

I used to read a lot of books by Swami Satyananda.  I could write an entire book on all the contradictions.. Or even more extreme case of Osho, he can contradict himself in a single sentence...  Of course, the realm of the crown chakra is filled with contradictions existing simultaneously.. Ah the mystery.

I've found that many of my insecurities with people come from the source of fearing to be told something I don't want to hear. I have received no answer to many of my posts as well, or she tends to respond when I have already realized/cleared the issue!   Probably because she would prefer if I handle it myself, come to the discoveries and grow from them, realizing my own power. Not always fun when all hell seem to be breaking lose (which seems to be a fairly commmon occurence for k-lites) But after the storm has passed it's worth it. The laughter or relief upon realizing the futility of a struggle or self-inflicted suffering..    Yet at other times a reply right away can be very useful, just for that nudge in the right direction.

I somehow managed to come through the whole course, but realized at the graduation that it was only the beginning.

Welcome back Paris!

Namaste
Gustaf
: Hi--

: I haven't posted here for a while.  I had a pretty heavy experience a few months ago and I'm just beginning to get my balance.  Actually, I'm still kind of messed up

: Anyway, I started doing the lessons again, and I started doing kegel exercises.  Today I read about Scott E leaving and the reasoning he gave.  It's true, Mystress doesn't always respond.  I figured it was because of the nature of my inquieries.  And although I respect her a lot and am terrifically grateful for the things I've learned in this course, I have to admit I am a little bit afraid of her.  I am afraid that in the end I won't measure up somehow, and she will reject me.  I guess that's kind of silly, isn't it?

: Paris

Thanks for your response, Gustave.  I get the feeling Mystress doesn't always answer because the answer I need will be coming to me in a few days, anyway.  There are times for me when the issue causes so much turmoil that I have to write about it.  (I am a writer by profession, if you can call writing a profession.)  I have a history of sending incoherent letters.

My biggest problem is this head-injury.  I tend to get a little crazy every few month anyway, and this kundalini thing just makes it worse.

Actually, and I think this is one of the benefits of my head-injury, I'm not bothered by contradictions.  I am so easily swayed by any arguement.  Sometimes by opposing arguements made at the same time.  That's called walking in two directions and getting nowhere.  I do get in trouble sometimes for being so gulible, but I've come to realize more people would rather help than hurt.

Anyway, I'm doing much better today.  I sort of crashed last night and a lot of shit came out.  I pity my wife who has to listen to my rantings, figure out what it all means, then explain it to me.

Paris

: Thanks for your response, Gustave.  I get the feeling Mystress doesn't always answer because the answer I need will be coming to me in a few days, anyway.

Yes, that is a big part of it. Sometimes I am not immediately inspired to know what to say.

 I am an artist, sometimes the inspiration is there and sometimes it isn't... I assume if Goddess wants me to say something, She will provide the words. I have a whack of unfinished responses because sometimes I get inspiration for one question in a post but not the rest.

Sometimes, like lately, I am feeling too burnt out to be willing to open to manifesting as what other people believe they need me to be. Busy taking the stone out of my own eye.

 Consider: I teach you to keep your energy turned inward so you don't trigger karma in people... but my energy is being shared in so many places!  This course belongs to Goddess, most of the karma that is triggered by the Shakti of the lessons and videos goes to Goddess autopilot... including the tea room, espcially if I delay responding.   It is the same with the Grounding pages on all my sites, and there is a lighthouse spell on the K-list.

  Even so, that does not represent all the places my energy is expressed. My 5 sites average around 7000 unique visitors per month, plus my sessions, workshops, friends, strangers who write to me with their problems... plus, plus... that means on any given day my energy field may well be processing bits of karma from a hundred people... or a thousand, because energy from last year may trigger something new in someone, tomorrow.  

 You are not at the third eye lesson yet, but I invite anybody to take a look at me. Ask to see all the karma incoming, or being carried in my body that ibelongs to someone else and is not mine, self created by me except that my Shakti triggered it. Ask to see it as a pattern of pink in or around my aura.

 The discipline of staying transparent so none of it sticks, is full time. A blockage in me acts like a logjam in my Shakti river... other stuff builds up behind it and it affects my immune system and the connections of my higher chakras.  When that happens I have a fall from grace and disappear for a while because I am not fit to teach.

These past weeks, months I have been dealing with energy entanglements from my pagan group that got so heavy that two weeks ago I put myself through another ego death to clear the stuff, and I am still settling into my new self.

 I stay detached from any hero ego trip by seeing Goddess in you all, and knowing She has it handled, regardless of what I do or do not do.

 I also know that while it is natural and human to want me to be Goddess for you, when you cannot find Her in yourself... it is a dead end in the long term and not healthy for anybody.  I don't want to play the Guru game. I do discourage students from becoming dependent on me.

 However, I am compassionate and accept the responsibility I took on as "Teacher."  Wherever my physical self is at, my Higher self is available anytime. You can call on my Higher self in meditation... there are a lot of stories in the tea room archives of me showing up to students in their time of need.

 I'd like to think that makes up for the vagaries of my physical self and my ADD brain!

 I love it when the students respond to support each other, especially when Grad students hang out and support newer students. Thank you all!

: There are times for me when the issue causes so much turmoil that I have to write about it.  (I am a writer by profession, if you can call writing a profession.)  I have a history of sending incoherent letters.

Well, it is OK to express for the sake of releasing into words...especially in this space. In this Tea Room temple Goddess eats it and gives back insights. Do such expressions require a response? Sometimes it seems a response will give the karma more energy or validity. I love to read the sharing though, and visit the tea room to read new posts and re-read older ones, several times a week.

: My biggest problem is this head-injury.  I tend to get a little crazy every few month anyway, and this kundalini thing just makes it worse.

I understand. Hugs!

: Actually, and I think this is one of the benefits of my head-injury, I'm not bothered by contradictions.  I am so easily swayed by any arguement.  Sometimes by opposing arguements made at the same time.  That's called walking in two directions and getting nowhere.  

Well, it is a very Zen thing to embrace contradictions! It is something that happens very naturally in the higher chakras, especially in the Void. Dualistic ideas cannot live in non-duality. They meet their opposite mirror and collapse.

I do that deliberately all the time! If I have an idea I also consider the opposite, so the polarities collapse into One-ness and accept that both sides are true. The karma goes poof!

: I do get in trouble sometimes for being so gulible, but I've come to realize more people would rather help than hurt.

: Anyway, I'm doing much better today.  I sort of crashed last night and a lot of shit came out.  I pity my wife who has to listen to my rantings, figure out what it all means, then explain it to me.

Women are good at that, naturally. With the Ayathusca Shamans in South America, there is always a woman who sits with the Shaman. She does not drink the vine but she goes along on his trip and translates the experience he is having.

 Blessings...

: Paris

It%rsquos true that express answers in words are most often not needed when an issue has been put on this board. And even when there are answering posts, from Mystress or other students, they rather often don%rsquot answer the question asked but speaks of something else instead. It helps just to put an issue here. Most often there is some misunderstanding or something at the bottom of an issue, which I realize a few days after having made the post.

:  It's true, Mystress doesn't always respond.  I figured it was because of the nature of my inquieries.  And although I respect her a lot and am terrifically grateful for the things I've learned in this course, I have to admit I am a little bit afraid of her.  I am afraid that in the end I won't measure up somehow, and she will reject me.  I guess that's kind of silly, isn't it?

Yeah, it is!
: Paris

: It%rsquos true that express answers in words are most often not needed when an issue has been put on this board. And even when there are answering posts, from Mystress or other students, they rather often don%rsquot answer the question asked but speaks of something else instead. It helps just to put an issue here. Most often there is some misunderstanding or something at the bottom of an issue, which I realize a few days after having made the post.

Thank you.

Yeah, often there are misunderstandings, but I look for perfection. Most of the people who are posting lately are not native English speakers. Sometimes I am reading more by ESP because the words don't make sense.

 I think in the case of Scott, he posted saying he would only accept what is true in all the chakras. He expected approval and did not get it.

 It was a misunderstanding. I tell you to look at a situation from all chakra levels, and do what is in alignment with all... which is a distinction from what is true in all. Different chakra levels have different rules or realities, and they do contradict. They must, to express All. In looking from all levels you get insights into what is Dharma, right action which may not be the same as what we would call truth.

 In the end it comes down to faith. If you accept that this space is a temple of the Goddess and trust that what happens here is perfection, then you can see perfection in it.

  Blessings...

:  Sometimes it seems a response will give the karma more energy or validity. I love to read the sharing though, and visit the tea room to read new posts and re-read older ones, several times a week.

I want to add... that each time I re-read someone's post, my Shakti follows my attention. I communicate my thoughts. I may not respond in words, but I always do respond with energy and love. You are supported here, just sometimes not in the way you expect.

  Blessings...  

Shure You're there!
It's clear You won't stand between Goddess and Your pack.
So we can grow under Your wings in the light of Herself.
Amplify the pack between Goddess and Her Witch.
It's wise and shall be rewarded.
This i belief and desire from the heart.

Thank You.

:
: :  Sometimes it seems a response will give the karma more energy or validity. I love to read the sharing though, and visit the tea room to read new posts and re-read older ones, several times a week.

: I want to add... that each time I re-read someone's post, my Shakti follows my attention. I communicate my thoughts. I may not respond in words, but I always do respond with energy and love. You are supported here, just sometimes not in the way you expect.

:    Blessings...