Sure is quiet around here, lately..
 Hope everyone is well, and happy Valentines day!
   Blessings..

Posted by Mystress on February 14, 2001 at 05:18:19:

Sure is quiet around here, lately.
Hope everyone is well, and happy Valentines Day!
Blessings.

Hello Mystress and everyone%hellip.

Happy Valentine%rsquos day to You as well.  I%rsquove been visiting to see if anyone has posted%hellipI could use the distractions.    Been very busy trying to define and identify what I%rsquom going to do for employment.  Also, my world is crashing and burning in most other areas as well, it seems.  Is that ego-death?  My soon-to-be-ex-husband is really pouring on the passive aggressive harassment.  I%rsquom trying to surrender it to Goddess and see the Holiness within him, but still reverting to very dark images of retribution.  I wonder what I%rsquoll get in return for these episodes but at this point things are so tough it%rsquos like I%rsquom numb to the consequences of my actions %ndash they seem to comfort me.

I know I%rsquoll find out some day what all this is for, and even believe it%rsquos all in my highest good.  But also praying for Goddess to help me understand so there won%rsquot be too much more to go through.

Thanks for the essay on karma to the k-list, Mystress.  It helps to surrender these volatile emotions by imagining a nasty critter as the culprit.    Since I have many issues, maybe Goddess is using this situation as an outlet and that%rsquos why I keep coming back to the vicious visions %ndash so I keep surrendering, although it seems to be the same things over and over.

Oh yea %ndash thanks for that link!!!  I really enjoy the site!    it%rsquos very empowering stuff.  

Well, I hope others are too busy with their bliss to be posting, instead of going thru yuck stuff like this.  Be well, All.

Peace,
Carla

:
:   Sure is quiet around here, lately..
:   Hope everyone is well, and happy Valentines day!
:     Blessings..

Happy Valentines Day indeed - Luscious handmade Parsisian chocolates to all!

I've been sorting through my stuff here. Much more quietly than at other points in my life but I'm getting some lovely responses from the universe.

I am sort of in a holding pattern with the lessons. I got up to the Bubble around the computer and I've stalled. But that seems OK to me.

I've had a harder time coming to terms with my relistic approach to the grounding exercise. At first I really did want to do it 8 times a day. But that just wasn't happening. And then despite the great benefits I was getting from it, I felt a little guilty, a little like I was failing. I didn't like that - and honestly I just don't need that.

Instead now I'm doing it in the morning and the evening - and I think little thoughts around it during the day - Occassionally I do part of it while walking down the street or on the subway, sitting in front of my computer at work, or while listening to my roommate vent - and I watch what I'm feeling and thinking and how I'm breathing - and it just sort of feels like I'm resifting myself. And it's pretty gentle - and so maybe it takes me longer than 45 days - but that's where I am.

I'm still just taking care of myself here. Relearning how to sleep. Watching my white-hot anger, in awe.

I've had soem amazing meditations - lovely visions, comforting feelings. This is a great process! During these meditations my breathing has started to change, without my trying to make it do so. It's a little deeper, there's more of an exhale now. Interesting to notice, nice to feel.

I have been revisited by my lifelong insomnia. I'm trying to deal with that without pills (well maybe a couple of aspirin) and sit up and meditate instead. Any suggestions on curbing the restless brain to sleep?

I hope all a very happy!

Thank you Mystress,
X.

Hey Carla -

Are you also using the bubble/egg to protect yourself from his unwanted energies? You don't need to expend your energy finding the good in him right now. Be sure you are loving yourSELF!! The Buddhist loving-kindness meditation always starts first with yourself - to sweeten the mind and deepen the spiritual practice:

May I be free from enmity : May I be safe.
May I be free from mental suffering: May I be peaceful and happy.
May I be free from physical suffering: May I be healthy and strong.
May I take care of myself happily.

(It then goes through the same prayer for other people . . .)

A great book on finding right-work - that fits in with the Kundalini approach is "Creating the Work You Love" by Rick Jarrow - on a more prosaic front "What Color is Your Parachute" is a classic for good reasons.

Where is the K-list these days? I subscribed years ago - but I've lost track . . .

Take care - sweet Carla - this too shall pass.

X.

: Happy Valentine%rsquos day to You as well.  I%rsquove been visiting to see if anyone has posted%hellipI could use the distractions.    Been very busy trying to define and identify what I%rsquom going to do for employment.
You'll figger out something.

Also, my world is crashing and burning in most other areas as well, it seems.  Is that ego-death?
Unlikely, I think.. it's a little too soon in your process for that. Bits of ego are being killed off and surrendered, certainly, but I think it is more that you have surrendered your life to Goddess, so She is rearranging the furniture.

: My soon-to-be-ex-husband is really pouring on the passive aggressive harassment.  I%rsquom trying to surrender it to Goddess and see the Holiness within him, but still reverting to very dark images of retribution.  I wonder what I%rsquoll get in return for these episodes but at this point things are so tough it%rsquos like I%rsquom numb to the consequences of my actions %ndash they seem to comfort me.

Just do the best you can. Goddess knows you are human. Sometimes, asking for mercy can help.

: I know I%rsquoll find out some day what all this is for, and even believe it%rsquos all in my highest good.  But also praying for Goddess to help me understand so there won%rsquot be too much more to go through.

: Thanks for the essay on karma to the k-list, Mystress.  It helps to surrender these volatile emotions by imagining a nasty critter as the culprit.    Since I have many issues, maybe Goddess is using this situation as an outlet and that%rsquos why I keep coming back to the vicious visions %ndash so I keep surrendering, although it seems to be the same things over and over.

What things?

: Oh yea %ndash thanks for that link!!!  I really enjoy the site!    it%rsquos very empowering stuff.  

Akasha is wonderful, eh? I really enjoy her writing. How are the kids?

: Well, I hope others are too busy with their bliss to be posting, instead of going thru yuck stuff like this.  Be well, All.

: Peace,
: Carla

Blessings~!

: Happy Valentines Day indeed - Luscious handmade Parsisian chocolates to all!

Yum!

: I've been sorting through my stuff here. Much more quietly than at other points in my life but I'm getting some lovely responses from the universe.

: I am sort of in a holding pattern with the lessons. I got up to the Bubble around the computer and I've stalled. But that seems OK to me.

Do what you feel. Sometimes reading ahead a few lessons can help to get out of inertia.

: I've had a harder time coming to terms with my relistic approach to the grounding exercise. At first I really did want to do it 8 times a day. But that just wasn't happening. And then despite the great benefits I was getting from it, I felt a little guilty, a little like I was failing. I didn't like that - and honestly I just don't need that.

Right. Be gentle with yourself. There is no pass or fail to this course.

: Instead now I'm doing it in the morning and the evening - and I think little thoughts around it during the day - Occassionally I do part of it while walking down the street or on the subway, sitting in front of my computer at work, or while listening to my roommate vent - and I watch what I'm feeling and thinking and how I'm breathing - and it just sort of feels like I'm resifting myself. And it's pretty gentle - and so maybe it takes me longer than 45 days - but that's where I am.

That is excellent. Good that you know that you can do it anywhere, at any time. It does not have to be a big deal.. further on in the course there are instructions on how to get grounded in one breath.. the more you do it, the easier it gets. Just anytime you have a moment, travelling time or coffee break, let your mind gently walk through it.

: I'm still just taking care of myself here. Relearning how to sleep. Watching my white-hot anger, in awe.

: I've had soem amazing meditations - lovely visions, comforting feelings. This is a great process!

Thank you. Feedback is always wonderful.

: During these meditations my breathing has started to change, without my trying to make it do so. It's a little deeper, there's more of an exhale now. Interesting to notice, nice to feel.

: I have been revisited by my lifelong insomnia. I'm trying to deal with that without pills (well maybe a couple of aspirin) and sit up and meditate instead. Any suggestions on curbing the restless brain to sleep?

I've been sleeping oddly too, lately.. dreaming a lot more than usual. I think it is just the planetary energy fluctuation, again. If you are doing the grounding before you sleep, it might be that you are getting too much of a charge.. waking yourself up with it. Focus more on the Earth energy, which is very peaceful, than on the sky energy.
Sometimes I like to travel down the grounding cord and sleep inside the fiery crystal. Not everybody can make that trip, tho.. if it is hard to get inside the crystal, let it go.. being inside the Earth Heart might be more intensity than you are ready for.

Also, take this time to practice surrender. Give all the little worries up to Goddess.. empty yourself and let Her fill you. Focus on observing yourself breathing..
When I have trouble sleeping, sometimes I find a very dull book that makes my brain fuzzz out.. something truly dull, like a technical manual or a dictionary. A cup of hot milk with honey in it helps, too.

: I hope all a very happy!

: Thank you Mystress,
: X.

Blessings!

: Hey Carla -
: A great book on finding right-work - that fits in with the Kundalini approach is "Creating the Work You Love" by Rick Jarrow - on a more prosaic front "What Color is Your Parachute" is a classic for good reasons.

 Yes.. another great book is "Wishcraft" by Barbara Sher.. she has a website, www.barbarasher.com  

: Where is the K-list these days? I subscribed years ago - but I've lost track . . .

http://www.onelist.com/community/Kundalini-Gateway
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org

: Take care - sweet Carla - this too shall pass.

: X.

indeed.. Blessings!

: I've been sleeping oddly too, lately.. dreaming a lot more than usual. I think it is just the planetary energy fluctuation, again. If you are doing the grounding before you sleep, it might be that you are getting too much of a charge.. waking yourself up with it. Focus more on the Earth energy, which is very peaceful, than on the sky energy.
:  Sometimes I like to travel down the grounding cord and sleep inside the fiery crystal. Not everybody can make that trip, tho.. if it is hard to get inside the crystal, let it go.. being inside the Earth Heart might be more intensity than you are ready for.

You're right that's more than I can do right no - but I "get" the direction you're suggesting and it did help me sleep last night!

: Also, take this time to practice surrender. Give all the little worries up to Goddess.. empty yourself and let Her fill you. Focus on observing yourself breathing..

Surrender! Indeed  - letting go of my mentally "fixing" things is the challenge and I can fel that loosening!  Yay!

I'll take your advice and read ahead some now.

___

Here's something I need encouragement on ** remember my Russel Crowe warrior dream? There's a casting call for extras for his new movie tommorrow. Should I go do this? It's ridiculously silly but might be fun!
Oh, what I didn't mention before is I'm having moments of giddiness, songs like "Groovy Kind of Love" and "Stuck on a Feeling" are stuck in my head. They're not ABOUT anyone - just my feelings. I take them as a VERY good sign!!

Take care all!
X.

Posted by  on February 15, 2001 at 04:42:17:

>What things?

The visions and emotions related to them:  tearing his guts out with my hands like Kali.
But no intentions of rebirth in my awareness - just a vicious release for my anger.
Grabbing his balls and twisting till i pull them off.  Pushing on the top of his head in until
it crushes down into his stomach.  Biting a chunk of his chest off (including his nipple)
like a %lsquoDawn of the Dead%rsquo zombie.  Obviously %lsquoma bitch%rsquo in here is feeling very fierce
and maybe these things are the outlet she needs.  I haven%rsquot come to terms with them,
though - these kinds of malicious, sadistic feelings occur to me, but only rarely.  So i%rsquom
judging them and thinking it%rsquos karma (bad) that will come back to me.  I indulge my
fantasies then ask Goddess to take and replace them, but keep coming back to another
fantasy, ask Goddess to take and replace it.....

Makes me wonder about being a sadist.  I don%rsquot think i am - but i fall in love with other
ppl%rsquos pain.  Not pain that i%rsquove inflicted - but then i don%rsquot recognize that kind of pain.
Show me someone with lots of tatoos and i%rsquom head over heels.  Maybe that%rsquos my
empathy trying to release it for them or something.   Haven%rsquot figgered that out yet either.
But my horoscope told me today that there%rsquos a word for someone who lives in wrecked
relationships - sadist.  It seems synchronicity is telling me that coming to terms with my
dark side is the order of the day.  

>How are the kids?

Well, kids are very aware of how their parents are feeling - i%rsquom sure you know.  It took
me a while and a view of video i had taken of the girls (twins) to shock me into realizing
i was really messing up when i reacted to the whiny, crying, klingon.  The kids are a bit
insecure:  constantly telling me they love me, giving me hugs, (not that i mind at all, of
course, just an indication) one is overly sensitive and a little overweight.  The other isn%rsquot
as overweight or as sensitive, but sad that he%rsquos gone and wishes he were back.  (He%rsquos not
her father, just the babe%rsquos.)  The little one (who%rsquos been sick so much) is a whiny, crying
klingon a lot of the time.  I think he needs to *hold me* and make *me* feel better.  I
play classical music and apologize about my impatience and frustrations.  Try not to
address the problems in their Presence.  Don%rsquot always succeed, though.  Guilt.....

: Peace,
: Carla
>Blessings~!

Thank you.

carla

Posted by  on February 14, 2001 at 23:52:22:
In Reply to:  posted by carla on February 14, 2001 at 22:42:18:
>Hey Carla -
>Are you also using the bubble/egg to protect yourself from his unwanted energies? You
>don't need to expend your energy finding the good in him right now. Be sure you are
l>oving yourSELF!! The Buddhist loving-kindness meditation always starts first with
>yourself - to sweeten the mind and deepen the spiritual practice:

Thank you - i%rsquom not being my best friend these days - that%rsquos for sure.  And probably being
a little careless about protecting myself also.  I don%rsquot hear from him for weeks then he
starts pulling shit again...I wonder - does anyone have and impression of ppls%rsquo abilitiy to
cast spells on someone?  This guy totally snowed me under!!!!!  Everyone saw thru him
but me, it seems.  Now the *spell* has been broken and I see him SO differently.  (Like
all the other ppl i know that know him.)

>A great book on finding right-work - that fits in with the Kundalini approach is
>"Creating the Work You Love" by Rick Jarrow - on a more prosaic front "What Color is
>Your Parachute" is a classic for good reasons.

Thanks again.  I went to the library and have reviewed tons of books. - I%rsquom creating a
bidness proposal to do pet grooming out of my garage.  Wish me luck!  : )

>Take care - sweet Carla - this too shall pass.

Yep - and %lsquoThy will be done%rsquo.   My mantras.  : )
>X.

Peace,
carla

Hi again - yes, i%rsquom replying to my own post.  : )  i talk to myself too.  And answer.

>I wonder - does anyone have and impression of ppls%rsquo abilitiy to
>cast spells on someone? This guy totally snowed me under

I%rsquom pretty sure it was me who cast that spell on me about him.  I had just ended a no-sex,
no-love relationship and was desperate for both.  He was a prejectin of my DB but i
didn%rsquot realize it at the time.

Just an fyi..  Trying to take ownership of everything in my life, so that when
things happen i%rsquoll be aware that i %lsquomote it be%rsquo in the now instead of in hindsight.

Peace,
carla

: Surrender! Indeed  - letting go of my mentally "fixing" things is the challenge and I can fel that loosening!  Yay!

: I'll take your advice and read ahead some now.

: ___

: Here's something I need encouragement on ** remember my Russel Crowe warrior dream? There's a casting call for extras for his new movie tommorrow. Should I go do this? It's ridiculously silly but might be fun!

Sure, why not??

: Oh, what I didn't mention before is I'm having moments of giddiness, songs like "Groovy Kind of Love" and "Stuck on a Feeling" are stuck in my head. They're not ABOUT anyone - just my feelings. I take them as a VERY good sign!!

Beautiful!

: Take care all!
: X.
Blessings!

: Hi again - yes, i%rsquom replying to my own post.  : )  i talk to myself too.  And answer.

Pay attention to those conversations.. they are between yourself and your Divine Beloved!! Well, who did you think was responding to you in your mind? LOL!!

 Blessings!

: Posted by  on February 14, 2001 at 23:52:22: : Thanks again.  I went to the library and have reviewed tons of books. - I%rsquom creating a
: bidness proposal to do pet grooming out of my garage.  Wish me luck!  : )

That is wonderful, Carla! You can work with animals, and still keep an eye on your kids! If you take a look, you will probably discover that there are a lot of grants around that are especially for single moms to become self employed.. you can probably get enough to cover your start-up costs, and not need a loan!

Blessings!