I have been wondering about something that i cannot grasp., hmmm i can hardly form it as questions.

Goddesness is the womb of creation.. the endless nothingness. God is the creative force and creation. I have experienced both states.. but in my daily life i sense i am confused in my core.

I understand very well the grounding and the way of nothingness.. on the other hand i understand the creative force or the active love. I dont mean chi, i mean the holy ghost or my soul.. there is an all pervasive, all present, all knowing presence here.

This is about presence.. experiencing love, communion, purpose.

I spend a few years with God and liked it alot.. i have spend a few years with goddes and started to like it.

I want to bing this together but

I dont mean this from an ego/personality perspective but in spirit sense.

Is it possible to unite these? it seems as opposites.. like a crazy duality of oneness.. they are both all and one and yet different?!

My confusion is how to life my life. When i am grounded and centered i have no pull to do anything.. but i can do what i want to. Life seems a bit crazy then, because what is the point in excisting. Mainly because i have nothing in life, except god-des, i feel i should be doing something.

When i merge with God i am drawn to do things but.. for myself and for the world.. but still goddes is so close that it all seems as mind masturbation.

I have wondered if this is because i cannot go deep enough into nothingness i experience this?

About one and a half year ago goddes appeared in meditation and offered me the grail initiation.. it sounded sooo great that i jumped into it without knowing what it was. And boy did that suck.. i was like the dark night of the soul all over again.

Many of my above questions have risen after this experience. All i know is that the heartchakra turns inside out and overflows with love. But all i experienced was my love turned into nothingness. Before i could be full of judgement and hate everything.. but i i loved lets say a stranger my heart could burst open so strongly that i have given some woman full body orgasms *s* from the heart not 2. chakra. I experienced this a few times.. i somehow saw their soul and was overtaken by their beauty.

Now it feels like i have not had love in my life for 1½ except for brief moments. I guess it is because i was not fully ready for the initiation. There has been alot of clearing and growing after this.. but the heart still seems somewhat troubled. I dont really suffer from it, but have the idea that love as love is better than unconditional love (nothingness). There is still deeper issues arising in my heart to be cleared but i would like to know if unconditional love eventually turns into love as love when i have cleared it all and is able to love all creation? if it is still then experienced as nothingness there is no point in clearing it.

*lol goddes looks at me and smiles like she usually does when i am foolish* so i guess it changes when it overflows..

Then get moving i sure hope it will be cleared in this lifetime!!

Hope someone can read beetwen the lines and understand my real question in between the "mind-stuff"

Blessings

I think I get a feeling for your dilemma.  Emptiness, vs fullness, meaninglessnss vs meaning and purpose, dispassion vs passion.  To act or not to act, that is the question!

I don't have any answers.  I mean I guess we have to act and do things because humans are designed to be active.  But I suppose our action should be play rather than a means to reduce our suffering.  I mean IDEALLY we would be at a point of inherent "ease" where action would merely be an enjoyable play for us and not felt as something we must do in order to reduce our sufferings.  But I'm not in such a position of "ease" at the moment.

Adi Da once said that the Law of the Universe is: sacrifice.
meaning that everything manifest must sacrifice itself back into creation.  It is unavoidable, even, every breath we take kills millions of micro-organisms in the air.  

So he is indicating that instead of fighting against the absolute rule of sacrifice, we should instead embrace it and live as sacrifice and in sacrifice.  You could also equate sacrifice as love.

Just passing this on.
Daniel

: I have been wondering about something that i cannot grasp., hmmm i can hardly form it as questions.

: Goddesness is the womb of creation.. the endless nothingness. God is the creative force and creation. I have experienced both states.. but in my daily life i sense i am confused in my core.

: I understand very well the grounding and the way of nothingness.. on the other hand i understand the creative force or the active love. I dont mean chi, i mean the holy ghost or my soul.. there is an all pervasive, all present, all knowing presence here.

: This is about presence.. experiencing love, communion, purpose.
:  
: I spend a few years with God and liked it alot.. i have spend a few years with goddes and started to like it.

: I want to bing this together but

: I dont mean this from an ego/personality perspective but in spirit sense.

: Is it possible to unite these? it seems as opposites.. like a crazy duality of oneness.. they are both all and one and yet different?!

: My confusion is how to life my life. When i am grounded and centered i have no pull to do anything.. but i can do what i want to. Life seems a bit crazy then, because what is the point in excisting. Mainly because i have nothing in life, except god-des, i feel i should be doing something.

But you can do what ever you want, with Goddess, and if you stick with it you will be moved to fulfill your purpose, just by dealing with what is in front of you and going with the flow.

: When i merge with God i am drawn to do things but.. for myself and for the world.. but still goddes is so close that it all seems as mind masturbation.

Yeah it is mind masturbation.
Let me use my own experience of your healing, after my car accident. I had a dozen spiritual healers working on me, as well as a 1/2 dozen regular healers: Chiropractors, MDs etc.  Impossible for me to determine what effects came from what people. Of all the healers, you are the only one who came back looking for validation afterward.  That, and your reaction at not getting validated tells a lot about how much your ego was invested in the results.

If ego is invested in the results, then the karma of your actions flows to you, and that is really bad for your health and well being. Your mind might be in a non dual place but the actions ripple down into duality, and the body still lives in duality. It has a sense of its own boundaries.

When you work from the God place, you are not a vessel of the Divine seeking to manifest Goddess' will. You are a Divine ego seeking to manifest your own will... and you have power to do it. The path of the Magician is not the path of the Mystic. Go back to the Earth and Sky energy lesson.

Goddess is Goddess, but God is US. The God-force doesn't really have a will of its own, chi must be directed. The God force is polarized, even though the Godhead is nondual. It is light, dark also exists. The brigher the light, the deeper the shadows it casts. If you are using your God power to be God for other people, then there is a karmic feedback, their karma flows to you and the result is insecurity and emotional bumpiness as your body tries to release the incoming stuff. It also gets very toxic for your liver.

: I have wondered if this is because i cannot go deep enough into nothingness i experience this?

I think so. The peace tells you no action is needed, but the cultural programming of work ethic in the body pulls you back into duality.

: About one and a half year ago goddes appeared in meditation and offered me the grail initiation.. it sounded sooo great that i jumped into it without knowing what it was. And boy did that suck.. i was like the dark night of the soul all over again.

Eh, "Fools rush in" Now you know why I require the year's preparation of this course, and an essay to judge your readiness before giving access to the Grail ritual. It is bad news for the unprepared. Too much stuff triggered at once, "Chinese curse."

I am curious as to how you know it was the grail, when I haven't gotten a grad essay from you? Respond to that privately. Thanks.

: Many of my above questions have risen after this experience. All i know is that the heartchakra turns inside out and overflows with love. But all i experienced was my love turned into nothingness.

Unconditional love feels like nothingness... when you are in it. Feels like peace to those around you, if you are keeping your energy turned inward.

:Before i could be full of judgement and hate everything.. but i i loved lets say a stranger my heart could burst open so strongly that i have given some woman full body orgasms *s* from the heart not 2. chakra. I experienced this a few times.. i somehow saw their soul and was overtaken by their beauty.

Well, that is conditional love. Triggered by beauty. Conditional love is not the same as unconditional love. It is polarized, part of duality. Did you develop an attachment to being able to affect people like that?

 Doing healing from an ego place is an addictive rush, intense and validating, but it is also emotionally bumpy and bad for your health and mind. Doing it as I do, not taking credit for what Goddess does is not so intense, can even be sorta boring,  but it is better for everyone involved.
 I get nice thank you letters from people. When my work was duality-based those letters were cherished, they were my reward for the work.. but now the same sort of letters are nice to add to my professional testimonial collection, but really they seem like they nothing to do with me. Why thank me for what Goddess did? "I" as an individual was not even there for it. Transparent vessel.

 I like people to email me a week after a session, but that has more to do with answering leftover questions, than about being validated.

 Quit being God for people, Tommy.

: Now it feels like i have not had love in my life for 1½ except for brief moments. I guess it is because i was not fully ready for the initiation. There has been alot of clearing and growing after this.. but the heart still seems somewhat troubled. I dont really suffer from it, but have the idea that love as love is better than unconditional love (nothingness).

Why?

:There is still deeper issues arising in my heart to be cleared but i would like to know if unconditional love eventually turns into love as love when i have cleared it all and is able to love all creation? if it is still then experienced as nothingness there is no point in clearing it.

: *lol goddes looks at me and smiles like she usually does when i am foolish* so i guess it changes when it overflows..

LOL I am looking at you the same way... It is not about getting reactions from people, your attachment to that validation will pass.  It is about the peace and joy within your heart.
When separation is cleared you can see Goddess in All. That makes all of life an ongoing love affair.

: Then get moving i sure hope it will be cleared in this lifetime!!

: Hope someone can read beetwen the lines and understand my real question in between the "mind-stuff"

Well, sorta.. Blessings!

: Blessings

:
:  

Dear Mystress

Regarding how i know it was the grail initiation i got: Goddes asked me if i would like to recieve the grail inititation.. i said yes. I dont know how it relates to the graduation grail of the course since i have not felt drawn to writing a graduation essay yet. When it happened it was after a few weeks of "samadhi". Everything changed. I expected it to be different, romantic, sainthood.. but it was more being "upgraded" to a higher level where my small pebles and stones seemed as huge solid walls. Because of the rough clearing period afterwards i started to question if it really was goddes or if i got screwed by some entity. There has been a long period of worsening in all aspects of my life.. and at the same time a bettering? It was like my shadow came to life and i became my shadow.. taking a new path to "enlightenment as the shadow.. sort of like losing the light to become the light. But i guess i have to see how it turns out.

That sounds different from the FST Grail. When you have done the FST grail, your heartbeat becomes steady at 80 beats per minute and you can feel it in everything.
 Sounds like you had a chakra opening, and got bumped up a level toward non-duality, where your karma was more obvious to you. A blessing to be sure, but a bumpy one.

   I have been contemplating on writing a graduation essay, but it feels like 1000 years ago i started the course.. and words wouldnt be sufficient to describe the journey and what i have learned. But maybe i should do it since the graduation essays might make it clearer what i am experiencing

 Yes.

   As for the healing situation

I am well aware that it could have been handled alot more smoothely.. but when it comes to you goddes sees you as my teacher and gives me a good lesson.

 That is how it is, Tommy. You or Goddess within you chose me to be your teacher and we are locked into those roles until you graduate. Your wanting to be my teacher doesn't fly, it is just resistance to what Is. Surrender to that.

  I do learn from my students, but not from when they get it into their heads to teach me something... that is just resistance.  I learn from reading what I channel for them as if it is all about me. I do that automatically.  When students decide to teach me, they are just putting their resistance to Goddess, onto me and I don't accept it.

  From my side, is the sometimes strange experience of becoming whatever the student needs, to grow.  To abandon my individual self to become the student's reflection.  I am sometimes put into roles that as a human individual I find unpleasant, but I surrender to Goddess will anyway.

 I do sometimes be guinea pig for other healers as a way to teach them, but I am still teacher.  It is a vulnerable position already, to become what others need,  but add some student getting resistant and wanting to teach me and it becomes unworkable. I did not ask for, or sign up for that.

  BTW: I only asked you to send me the info of why you thought your grail was the same as my grail, privately.  I thought perhaps you had found my grail ritual somewhere on the web. This is better posted to the tea room. Please do post it there.

   It has been a very helpfull experience and helped me to really understand the more subtle aspects of the work, that i have had trouble converting to my own experience. I have had a hard time understanding the concept of offering  my help "healer" and just doing it. In most cases i have no problems with this because people come to me, everything runs smoothely.

 Right. Same as me for my students. They come to me. I have a website, like a billboard offering to play the role, but I do not tell people I meet, that they need to or have to take the course. I don't project that need onto them. That would not be appropriate. I see them as Goddess, perfect as they are even if as a human I don't like who they are and would rather be spending time with someone I like better.  (I'm not suggesting I don't like you.)  

 Even in the parts of the course where it is being advertised, there is no projection of  "you need to do this".  Just, "Here it is, want some?"

   but when i offer my services things can get messy.. and i get extra work.

Yes. It always will. To offer, is to not see others as God of their own lives. You see them in need... it is a projection.

   And if i do work like this i have to offer it, not?

So why do you do it?

   I have had a hard time with this because i know excactly what i am doing when i work.. i become god-des and can work without duality.

That doesn't work, long term. If you are Goddess for them, then the karma flows to you. The body remains in duality, it takes the lumps.

   The problems comes from defenition more than the work. Like if you offer something then is has to be given unless i offer whatever serves the highest good of the person.

  Which is a good way to do it. "Goddess has it handled" said to your own heart, is so much more powerful than getting in there and doing the work yourself... and you can offer "Goddess has it handled" to anyone, any time, internally, whenever you see something your ego thinks needs to be fixed.
Put the energy into your own heart instead of directing it outwards, with action.
  Even when you are being God or Goddess, it all still has to flow through your human linear mind, and be interpreted into language you are familiar with. Stuff gets lost, in interpretation.

   Am i really not trying to be god.. it is irrelevant, but my personality has to learn to be grown up.

heh, yeah.  You are like a child, in depending on approval or validation from others. Find your own strength within yourself, mature.

   I also have the abillity to see the shadow of other people and have to learn how to deal with it.

I think you are trying to get ahead of yourself. What you see, is yourself reflected. That is not instinctive and automatic for you yet. You are still projecting your own shadow, outward and that is why you get tangled.

   Even though you might doubt it i was very aware when i wrote the "messy" mail to you, i just put in words the energies causing the issues. I saw many of your "blind spots" and how some of your troubles came about. I could also understand that you where very focused on being the teacher in the situation, and didnt want to see boyond your own termology.

That is the agreement we made with each other when you signed up.

  It is not about choice, shadow or ego issues, for me. As you noted yourself, above... Goddess sees me as your teacher too.  It is an aspect of my function, Goddess does it. I'm stuck in that role for you, as if possessed by Goddess within you, until you graduate. If you don't like it, then send me a grad essay and set us both free.

  There was no agreement for you to be my teacher. I did not ask for that. Your wanting to play that role with me was not consensual. I did not ask to learn your terminology, my function is to teach you to understand my terminology.

 There is a distinction between the role and the human woman. Of course, as a human woman I have flaws and I am well aware of them. I really don't need, and did not ask you to point them out for me.

 However, we have a contract for me to play a role for you, and the human woman is irrelevant to who I am for you, while fulfilling the terms of that spiritual contract. In the course of that contract, you do not see the human woman.  What you see in me is a reflection of your own self. Deal with it there.

  Like with the Dalai Lama. There is a role, a function, spiritual leader and when he is in that role he is a certain way. When he is by himself being Mr. Tenseng, he can fart and scratch his ass just like we all do... but that is private. Peeking through his bathroom window to feel better about yourself by seeing the Dalai Lama scratching his ass as just another human, is invasive and inappropriate... not to mention, childish and insecure.
 Whether he scratches his ass in private has nothing to do with how well he fulfills his role as Dalai Lama.

   You maybe only saw my ego involvement, but there was more to it. I was not seeking validation as much as i seeked a common ground where we could meet

 We have a common ground, it is called Fire Serpent Tantra.

   You might dwell in your center but you still cast shadows.. you tend to forget that (from my perspective *s*).

Of course, because I have a role to play with you. My shadows are none of your business, Goddess knows that and does not show them to you. What you see in me, is yourself reflected. Stop resisting that. Gurus die of liver failure if students resist. Stop it.

   And when you are in your only my the goddes i know is good enough patterns you dont meet the goddes i know.. do you know all about goddes?

You make no sense. Nobody can know all about Infinite... but we can *be* that. Goddess within you, sees me as your teacher. As your teacher, I am your mirror. Why are you resisting that? Why does it bother you enough that you spew messy stuff at me? Goddess within you, did not tell you to be my teacher, She would not because I did not ask for that.  That was just your own ego idea. Your resistance.

   I am aware that there is blind spots and wholes waiting to be activated within me and cleared. I am not stating i am perfect or at the highest purest state of enlightenment.. but that is not the same as being wrong. I am not as screwed as i might appear, i just dont care so much about being, perfect, streamline, easy acceptable or pretty but there are still aspects of me disagreeing And i can not rule out the possibillity of an unconsciouss teen episode of trying to break free from inner/outer authorities (trough you).

The last sentence is resonant. Your juvenile issues with authority result in your trying to nullify my authority which is Goddess given, and try in turn to take authority over me which you have no right to do.
Instead of surrendering to Goddess, you take pokes at me, and get all righteous.  It is tiresome.

   "I" have helped alot of people with whiplash, scoliosis etc with complete recovery.

 I have not questioned your effectiveness. Why do you feel you need to promote your ability to me?  This statement is all ego.   "I" is still I.
 Good healers give credit to spirit. It is safer! No karma.
 All healing is self healing. You want to take credit for what Goddess does... go ahead, but don't complain to me if it is bumpy!

   We met on common gound.. and it wasnt messy. I will be honored to help you at some point in time if you should feel inclined. But this time better I/we (since we are both involved?) do it right and agree on what is done, when, and how much etc. I will then be as clear a channel as possible without ego involvement.

I'm fine.

   But i hope you did not suffer invane from knowing me.. and i apologize for faults, passive agression and insecurities.

I'm fine. As I say, what happens when I am in the role of teacher, is what must happen. Whether I enjoy it or not is irrelevant.
  Anyway, an apology is really only valid if you intend to cease with the behaviors, and you haven't.

   But as i mentioned earlier i learned alot.. the most reliveing was that i dont really want to be a "healer". I just had miracles happening, and when people then kept contacting me i felt i had to heal them. But i dont.. and thank god for that

  That is wise.

   About the earth and skypath i am still not clear.. and i am not sure you have the answer i seek. I guess my question is what the difference is between god and goddes. I dont experience God as chi or duality. Are you saying that goddes is the canvas. and God, love, joy, grace, oneness, presence, creation is "just" expression on the surface?

 I'm saying thou art God of your own life. God is the Stuff, Goddess is the nothing. The spaces between, are consciousness. The stuff, is stuff. Yes, the Stuff has a global group consciousness that we call God, just as cows and trees have a group consciousness of Treeness or the cow oversoul... but when you go into the Godhead, you are it. Alone.

 The other distinction is, as a Teacher or healer, I am not being God or Goddess for you. I'm not on that kind of pedestal. More like a translator, or middleman... and reflection. All healing, is self healing. I do not take credit for my students growth, in the way that you take credit for the people who were healed.

 When you jump up on the pedestal to be God or Goddess for another, to do things *for* them, you take yourself out from under the natural umbrella protection of your individuality.  The karma flows to you, and it gets bumpy... and you take power away from others. In the long term being God for other people disempowers them and you get the karma of that.. for being disempowering to people.  In that way, you are the Black Magician you project onto others.

  I don't accept power from others, even if they really want to give it to me. I don't do stuff for people, being God for them like you are doing. I used to, and as I say, it was an addictive rush, intense and blissful, but there was also energy entanglements and often a sort of hangover after as their karma was processed through my body.

 People also became quite dependent on me, and I attracted a lot of people who really did not want to take responsibility for being God of their own life. So long as I was being God for them, they did not have to!
It became a co-dependent dynamic.

   I can relate to it if it is all mind masturbation if it is all experienced without being aware of the cavcas/goddes. But my experiences of oneness, bliss, god/goddes, has felt as comming from above.

 Yes. The chakras of those non-dual dimensional universes, are above. Kundalini flows upward, karma flows upward out the crown, insights come down from above... except when they come from the center, your heart. As you continue to surrender, and bring the non-dual energy and perspective down into your daily physical life, the linear above-below gets fuzzy. When you really integrate the Void, it becomes all the spaces between all the molecules. Goddess in All.

   I am not refering to angels, ascended masters.. but i have experienced something so immensly beautifull and pure beyond all understanding. I am not so trained in different termologies but can i be mistaken this for my own soul or divine essence perhabs.. or do you have any words to help understand this better.

As a last note i thank you for the shaktipat i recieved when i read your post in the tea-room. It was very strong but i still feel you should not act as a judge of grace..

 It is my function as teacher,  to be judge of grace. You have hired me to do that, so why resist it now?  Why tell me I should not? That's crazy.

 It is not personal. If it were personal (ego) there would be no Shaktipat.

  From a personal level everyone is perfect and I cannot understand why people don't see that in themselves, for themselves because it is so obvious. On a personal level FST is irrelevant and nobody needs it.
 But, the people who come to be students don't see Goddess perfection in themselves, so they ask for teacher, and teacher's job is to judge karma and progress.

   but i dont understand the reason for putting an extra burden on me

 What burden? What is that victim statement about? Grow up, Tommy!!

   in order to teach me a lesson? is that different because i come to you. I have heard you mentioning karmic vampire games.. i dont know what it is but have you been playing this trick on me?

no. No trick. Just a function. To be your reflection.

   (((((*Blessings*)))))

Tommy
or simon emmanuel as goddes calls me.. i guess she will explain at some point

Just look up the meaning of those words, the mythology.
 Post this to the tea room. thanks.