Mystress,

This is an update of how things are going since my trip from hell.  As I mentioned I was deeply disturbed for 3 days after the trip to the point where I could barely function.  In retrospect I think what I had experienced while under the influence was the manifestation of my worst fear.  However I quickly recovered from the trauma and was able to appreciate life again while being only slightly haunted.

I had read your lengthy reply and at the time of recovery I thought that it didn't really apply to me or it was reading too much into my situation.  But now that I reread that whole essay, more parts of it are ringing true with me.   The apparent return to my former health lasted about 2 weeks.  Then last night I was skipping around on the net off of some links from this course and ended up reading and listening to stuff by "UG Krishnamurti" (not to be confused with the famous Jiddu Krishanmurti).  WHo is a man who seems to play this game of denying everything, including others feelings and is considered enlightened by some, although he denies there is such a thing.  Also I read the website http://home.att.net/~meditation/  where this guy, Christopher Calder talks about the TES hypothesis wich while it encourages meditation it basically concludes that DNA is the end all be all.  Anyhow a lot of Chris stuff is very convincing.  Anyhow I found this stuff kind of disturbing but read on because I don't want to resist any idea no matter how disturbing.

Well sure enough over the next day I feel an uneasiness creeping in that gets worse over the course of the evening I experience a return of what I can only describe as the "Void".  That sorrow, terror, hoplessness, loss of interest, doubt etc . .  that comes in waves and grips me in my chest.  Feels like the heart Chakra is closing like a fist, although I don't really have much experience of chakras to validate their existence.  Believe me I was very dissapointed to see the return of this "Void" that I had hoped was behind me.  Perhaps it is the same as what you called the "fingers of death" but while at work for 8pm-12am I felt like I either wanted to vomit or break down crying when I didn't have anything to distract me from it.

Anyhow Mystress, you mentioned that when I feel the fear or the Void approaching it could be a warning that I should "not go there".  SHould not engage those thoughts.  I don't normally like to avoid anything. . .but perhaps it is true that I should not get involved in the doubt-mind.  I don't want blind faith either, but over the past few months I've experienced cycles of hope and then absolute doubt and rejection of just about every belief system or cosmology or reality I've been desperatly exploring after leaving the one Adi Da Samraj provided me.  Maybe all this is telling me I need to call an end to my intellectual search for meaning that has been one of my most driving passions (I'm not sure weather this drive was a blessing or a curse).  Maybe this is telling me to live more in the moment and not be so concerned for what to believe.

But one thing I urgently need to do is reconnect with some sort of Divine Beloved.  Because then I can have a Refuge when all hell breaks loose like this.  I better hurry up and get to that part of this course!  I used to take refuge in Adi Da but I can't go back to that anymore I don't think.  I seem to see Adi Da's flaws and his own unhappiness now.  So many of my idealisms have been smashed.  I do not equate enlightenment with flawlessness or moral enlightenment anymore.  A lot of enlighted people like Adi Da and Osho end up (or so I hear) taking drugs like Valium and Lithium to deal with their anxieties . . doesn't sound very peachy to me.  Adi Da regularily has severe anxiety attacts (although he interprets them VERY differently)  

 Really I was probably projecting him onto something else.  I don't even know whether there is a Divine Beloved or I was fooling myself back then.  THere's the doubt again.

I yearn for god-intoxication.  I yearn to forget myself.  It has been a long while since I have experienced any of that.  I don't really know if I have had any sort of re-birth.  TIme will tell.

Sorry for the ramble, I needed to do it.
love Daniel

: Mystress,

: This is an update of how things are going since my trip from hell.  

Good! I was wondering how you were doing.

:As I mentioned I was deeply disturbed for 3 days after the trip to the point where I could barely function.  In retrospect I think what I had experienced while under the influence was the manifestation of my worst fear.

Yes, that is what the mirrors of hell show you, so you can love and surrender it.

:  However I quickly recovered from the trauma and was able to appreciate life again while being only slightly haunted.

: I had read your lengthy reply and at the time of recovery I thought that it didn't really apply to me or it was reading too much into my situation.  But now that I reread that whole essay, more parts of it are ringing true with me.   The apparent return to my former health lasted about 2 weeks.  Then last night I was skipping around on the net off of some links from this course and ended up reading and listening to stuff by "UG Krishnamurti" (not to be confused with the famous Jiddu Krishanmurti).  WHo is a man who seems to play this game of denying everything, including others feelings and is considered enlightened by some, although he denies there is such a thing.  Also I read the website http://home.att.net/~meditation/  where this guy, Christopher Calder talks about the TES hypothesis wich while it encourages meditation it basically concludes that DNA is the end all be all.  Anyhow a lot of Chris stuff is very convincing.  Anyhow I found this stuff kind of disturbing but read on because I don't want to resist any idea no matter how disturbing.

You resisted your body signals. Your body was not wishing to take on that karmic junk of someone else's ego bits at this time! It did not want to go into that world. I warned you, you are not allowed to decide or influence who the new Daniel is going to be.

: Well sure enough over the next day I feel an uneasiness creeping in that gets worse over the course of the evening I experience a return of what I can only describe as the "Void".  That sorrow, terror, hoplessness, loss of interest, doubt etc . .  that comes in waves and grips me in my chest.  Feels like the heart Chakra is closing like a fist, although I don't really have much experience of chakras to validate their existence.  Believe me I was very dissapointed to see the return of this "Void" that I had hoped was behind me.  Perhaps it is the same as what you called the "fingers of death" but while at work for 8pm-12am I felt like I either wanted to vomit or break down crying when I didn't have anything to distract me from it.

It sounds like your symptoms are a little different than mine... but then I learned quick, not to give energy to doubts, and used music to change my state, when necessary.
After ego death, one is in an extremely vulnerable state, because you can grow a new ego around the first "big thing" you attach to, much like a baby duckling taking the first thing that moves to be "mother." You are not there yet, but your body is keeping you detached to faciliate karma cleaning, and you have to respect that and not give energy to resistance.

I understand what you mean about not resisting ideas, it is good to challenge your ego, normally... but not where you are now. Forget ego and listen to your body. It is much like how a pregnant woman has to be conscious of what she eats, drinks and breathes. Your body wants to be selective about what influences will shape your reborn self.

 I think you are getting your terminology a little confused.. what you are calling Void, the creepy part, I would call Shadow, which guards the Void.

 Realize that the Void is the creative fertile womb from whence all creation springs. Thoughts in the Void have the power of creation behind them.  You cannot affoard the ego game of entertaining disturbing thoughts when you are in the Void, because sowing those seeds there can make them become your reality. The void is nonduality, you cannot bring your ego there and the Shadow will whack you when you try. This is to keep you safe!

: Anyhow Mystress, you mentioned that when I feel the fear or the Void approaching it could be a warning that I should "not go there".  SHould not engage those thoughts.  I don't normally like to avoid anything. . .but perhaps it is true that I should not get involved in the doubt-mind.

Yup. Doubt is ego. Goddess has it handled, it is being processed so don't meddle with trying to make more by giving energy to things that your body rejects.

I don't want blind faith either, but over the past few months I've experienced cycles of hope and then absolute doubt and rejection of just about every belief system or cosmology or reality I've been desperatly exploring after leaving the one Adi Da Samraj provided me.  Maybe all this is telling me I need to call an end to my intellectual search for meaning that has been one of my most driving passions (I'm not sure weather this drive was a blessing or a curse).  Maybe this is telling me to live more in the moment and not be so concerned for what to believe.

Hell, yeah! Great idea. Ya know, all of our ideas about reality are intellectual masturbation, mine included. Reality is vaster and stranger than anything our little ego minds can dream up. Goddess does not need mythology, She just Is. Life, just Is. Ego needs to make stories about it, give itself the illusion of understanding.

 The eternal mysteries remain eternally mysterious despite all the best efforts of science and religion. The wisest ones are those who realize that they really know nothing. Like that Einstein quote about how anyone who thinks they have life and the universe all figured out, is subject to the laughter of the Gods. Let it all go and develop an appreciation for mystery.

 So much of the content of karma, is some belief we got attached to, that is shaping our reality. What if you have no beliefs? Then Goddess shapes your reality.

 This whole mystery school, is not so much about making new beliefs, as it is about tossing out old ones. All we know, is validated experience. When you get grounded, you feel better and life goes more smoothly, so get grounded all the time. When you surrender stuff, you get to feel lighter and make better decisions, so surrender everything, all the time. When you stay in the moment, you get to feel more vibrant and alive, so stay in the moment.

 I don't ask you to believe anything, just to try stuff so you can find out it works. Get the validated experience.  I only teach stuff that works, and even the thin Matrifocal mythology around it is functional for making a shift of consciousness.

 I'm not attached to it, I take off my teacher hat and be Nothing.

 I measure beliefs very simply: do they contribute to a happier and more fulfilling life? I earn my wage, digging around in people's energy bodies, fishing out a blockage and letting them know what belief is contained there, and asking them, "How is that working for ya?" Usually I already know it is not because the blockage has told me: Within it is all the karmic data of all the times it didn't work. If the belief worked,  it wouldn't be a blockage in the first place.

I surrender all my beliefs regularly, take off the teacher hat and enjoy the bliss of being Nothing.

 Trying to figure out what kind of something you want to be, as you did creating your original ego, is a no-winner. Goddess will smack your head. I know you are still feeling like you are flying without a net, but eventually you will get the message that being Nothing is where its at! Free fall is going with the flow.

 It is not about being gullible. It is simply realizing that Chris has his own reality/mythology and it is true for him, but it doesn't have to be your reality. You don't have to enter or entertain his reality.  Your body is a vessel of You, not he.

You wanted to measure his ideas and your gut against an eternal objective reality and there isn't one. I like apples and you like oranges, so who is "right" ... both, nobody. Yet Holy wars have been fought, over less... Stop the war.

: But one thing I urgently need to do is reconnect with some sort of Divine Beloved.  Because then I can have a Refuge when all hell breaks loose like this.

Hmm. I think you skipped ahead enough already, with the 3 tickets. The DB might not show for a while yet, not until you are stabilized.  The Divine beloved exists when there is ego and duality, it does not exist in the Void. There is no duality, you are It.
 In Hades, you get the aspect of it that is the Shadow guide, the scary reflection of your fear is the "other."

Take refuge in grounding, and in the energy of your own heart. Remember that what is posted here in the tea room is given to Goddess, so it is ok to release your fears here and find comfort. If you are just releasing and don't want people to comment or respond, just say so.

: I better hurry up and get to that part of this course!

Just, pray for the beloved to show up to guide and comfort you. Going ahead at this point and trying to force the Beloved to show up, is control and resistance.

Visit www.kundalini-teacher.com instead, and use the sitemap to choose which pages you are drawn to read. The sitemap link is the spiral at the bottom left of each page.

:  I used to take refuge in Adi Da but I can't go back to that anymore I don't think.  I seem to see Adi Da's flaws and his own unhappiness now.  So many of my idealisms have been smashed.

Anything that was about giving your power away to anyone or anything outside of yourself, has been discouraged in the necessary way.

You are actually in good shape. You jumped ahead and now there is adjustment and a process, but it is excellent that you are getting clear signals, even if they are kind of traumatic!  Chinese curse, you asked for it.. but remember you can pray for mercy.

:  I do not equate enlightenment with flawlessness or moral enlightenment anymore.  A lot of enlighted people like Adi Da and Osho end up (or so I hear) taking drugs like Valium and Lithium to deal with their anxieties . . doesn't sound very peachy to me.  Adi Da regularily has severe anxiety attacts (although he interprets them VERY differently)  

Go back to my Shaktipat and psychosis essay, and see them in a new, human light. The body does not like being the recipient of the karma of hundreds or thousands of devotees. It also does not like for the soul seed of consciousness to flee the stressed body and hang out in the crown chakra all the time.

:   Really I was probably projecting him onto something else.  I don't even know whether there is a Divine Beloved or I was fooling myself back then.  THere's the doubt again.

: I yearn for god-intoxication.  I yearn to forget myself.

then, forget yourself. What's stopping you? The habit of intellectualizing and giving energy to doubt. It belonged to the old Daniel, let it go. Stop trying to reinvent yourself, Goddess is doing that for you. Just surrender and go along for the ride. It will all work out.

: It has been a long while since I have experienced any of that.  I don't really know if I have had any sort of re-birth.  TIme will tell.

: Sorry for the ramble, I needed to do it.
: love Daniel

Yeah, it is good, no need to apologise. Be gentle with yourself. Blessings.

Thanks for your reply Mystress,
Today I was a little better upon waking, but as the day progressed it got worse and worse.  Almost constant fear or panic attacks along with underlying deep depression and dissconnection from everything.  Everything except my negative emotions.  This is a really hellish existence.  I was a fool to take LSD but nobody deserves this!

I'm hoping anybody who reads this could please pray for my recovery.  There is only so much of this a human can withstand.  I have been praying myself quite a bit, trying the grounding excercises and meditation, none of it seems to be helping much.  I've barely eaten in the past 2 days but did cut out my protein supplment wich contains sucrolose, just in case that is causing some of this horror.  Only a month ago I was a fairly happy guy well on his way in school and life.

If you can pray for me it might help to use my photo.  So you can find my photo here:

http://www.myspace.com/daniel_tynan

If this persists as bad tommorrow i will probably call a psychological crises line or go to their centre.  My parents are out of town for a week so I can't even reach out to them right now.

thanks for your help.
Daniel

Dear Daniel

I can relate i have had similar experience. It is hell and nobody deserves this.. except us atleast. It is very tough and i will not tell you that it does not suck.. but what is a few months/years of living hell compared to an eternity of bliss? I can assure you that if you keep on keeping on you will one day look back at this as one of the greatest gifts of your life. The dying turns into nothingness, and nothingness turns into life. Just hang in there you will be dead in no time.. and alive again in no time. I will pray for you.. but know that Goddes has already answered your prayers. It is tough when Goddes enters ones life.. all of the sudden there is consequence. Be happy that Goddes has eaten you.. it is more valuable than being cool, having a good job etc. It is tough facing this, how can you have a good life now? what if this condition is permanent, nobody will love a mental case? Blessed be the doomed.. they have no future, their pasts are fading.. the ones with no history must surely be here now.

When i had an experience like this i was blown into a billion pieces, i was a living dead for a year.. then i descide not to be afraid anymore, and now 5 years later i am fine.. and has been so for years

The regrets and feeling you dont deserve this is natural. It is a hard lesson in life.. and no words can make it easier, but it happened.. not even dying will change that. But the chaos and distress will fade.. and you will know that you have not lost anything.

Atleast you have learned why soo many people say "dont do drugs". I dont mean this as a lecture.. just to let you know that this is not the end for you, only an end to life as you know it. I made it, and i trust that Goddes will make you too!

Blessings
Tommy

: Thanks for your reply Mystress,
: Today I was a little better upon waking, but as the day progressed it got worse and worse.  Almost constant fear or panic attacks along with underlying deep depression and dissconnection from everything.  Everything except my negative emotions.  This is a really hellish existence.  I was a fool to take LSD but nobody deserves this!

: I'm hoping anybody who reads this could please pray for my recovery.  There is only so much of this a human can withstand.  I have been praying myself quite a bit, trying the grounding excercises and meditation, none of it seems to be helping much.  I've barely eaten in the past 2 days but did cut out my protein supplment wich contains sucrolose, just in case that is causing some of this horror.  Only a month ago I was a fairly happy guy well on his way in school and life.

: If you can pray for me it might help to use my photo.  So you can find my photo here:

: http://www.myspace.com/daniel_tynan

: If this persists as bad tommorrow i will probably call a psychological crises line or go to their centre.  My parents are out of town for a week so I can't even reach out to them right now.

: thanks for your help.
: Daniel

Dear Tommy,

Please do tell me more about your experience.  What triggered it?  Did you make it through without having to take prescription or street drugs?  How did you decide to "stop fearing"?  

Today started off a little better and I managed to eat a sandwich, but this eveneing it got kind of bad again.  Those small periods of relief here and there are what allow me to keep on keeping on.

I'm now just giving all my fear and life to God.  Because I no longer can control even my own emotions or fear.  If God wants me to live and find my lust for life again or not, so be it.  I've given up trying to control or understand anything.  It is the same principle as Alcoholics Anonymous.  You realize you are out of control and just give up your self-control and future to God or Destiny.

I asked for prayers because I read about a man who suffered depression for 40 years until he became part of a prayer circle.  Seems turning to God completely is always the answer to escaping our hells.

Love Daniel

Dear Daniel

What triggered it.. good question? in retrospective many things did.. like my whole life was leading me to this edge and it was a matter of time before i slammed to the ground. The trigger was drugs, not LSD but a crystalized skunk mixture my drugdealer friend manufactured. From one day to another i went from being a popular young man with a great future.. to becomming a vegetable. I could not speak for a year, hardly walk, think.. all there was left was this huge abyss of nasty stuff screaming at me very loud. It struck without warning, and i could not handle it.. and lost all connection to the outside world (friends,work etc.). Luckily for me the doctor threw me out.. so  did the psychiatrist, so there was no help for me and no more drugs. My family was devestated and tried to get help trough the hospitals etc. but it was not meant to be. For 3 month i was lying in my parents house going in and out of consciousness.. and had the experience of dying. There was no warm welcome in heaven, i was met by a strong force telling me that i could return to my body or chose a worse destiny. I was told "there is no escape" & "you will live to the age of 84 atleast". When i started to gain some sense of self again after some month i was really bad, and very afraid. I could see ghosts and demons, peoples shadows, i could see peoples vampire games as energy claws sticking out from their backs, angels etc. Up untill that time i had been an ateist so i thought i was crazy.. but it did not feel right because i was still me inside.. just not functioning right and persieving the world differently all of a sudden. When i looked in the mirror i was transparent. I was devestated to find out that no matter how much life sucks it goes on.

It was absolute horror, i was on my knees crying from the depts of my "soul" because of all that was lost. Girls, love, sanity, health, a good life, happiness. What drove me to begin with was fear.. fear of having to be a vegetable untill i reached the age of 84 with no chance of parole. But i did not know what to do. After a few months i remembered a former colleage at work mentioning a healer, i had no clue what a healer was, but i was desperate and contacted him. He said i was screwed and that he could do nothing for me except teaching me how to heal myself.. so i healed and healed. I did not get a miraculous healing, but after a year i had enough strenght to start excersising in a gym. I did this as if my soul was on stake, 2 hours a day 7 days a week. I slowly started remembering periods of oneness previous in my life, and Sai baba started visiting me in my dreams. I was still afraid of all this God talk because i knew nothing about it, but after accidently healing many people by touching them my curioustity was arroused. This shook up my victim mentallity and gave me new hope.. because if i was a complete fruitcake then how could i heal other people? The urge to know God became so strong that i could not breathe.. i knew i had to go to Sai Baba and that only he could help me. I remembered the light inside me and descided that no matter what i would find it again!!!

I got a job in the nightshift on a factory, i was a mess inside.. but they where all in that factory.. so it was a good place to hide (i did not want anybody to know how bad i was.. because when my cousins etc. saw me they started crying). At this point i could almost make sentences again and make myself understood, and nobody seemed to care about my ticks

I earned enough money to go to India and expected Sai baba to heal me the first day and then everything would be fine. I stayed there a year and had alot of help.. but i had to do the work myself. I started to see the inner demons.. but they where so powerfull that i could do nothing. I had an excorcism it did not work (?). I experienced many pastlives, not good pastlives, one day i experienced being burned alive four times in a day.. experiencing all the pain from these lives.

Then one day there was a change.. was having a session at "the excorsist".. he had me looking in a mirror for one hour while asking me question. I did not hear what he said because i was battleling for my soul.. while looking in the mirror i found out how to break their power. When the session was over i felt VERY relived.. i had scratch marks all over my body and face.. but in my heart and soul i knew things would be alot easier from now on. In retrospective i understand that this was when i got my center back.. i had a core, now i "just" needed to clear out all the surface stuff. There was no one touch heals all healing from sai baba but i learned alot and grew alot.

I am still clearing the surface stuff

Hmm alot of words.. what i am trying to say that for me it was a process of many little steps. A few breaktroughs and alot of growing. There was periods of fear, periods of pain and horror, periods of grief etc. I was afraid that this condition was permanent.. like you are afraid of being depressed for the next 40 years. I was lost in this for what seemed like 1000 years, but it was only 1½-2 years.

I dont know where you are comming from or where you are going.. all i can tell you is that there is no escape! you can jump of a bridge and you have to face this in the 4th dimension and that is much more difficult. You are very fortunate to know mystress and God this can help you alot. The buttomline is you can be lost and depressed for the next 40 years or go deep inside and make a descision. You will make your descision when your time comes.

I did not know surrender so i descided to fight.. it was very effectice for me, now i have to learn surrender. It sounds abit like you confuse surrender to Goddes with apathy and not caring?

even though your experience is ultimately an illusion it changes nothing if you cannot break free from it. Do what you got to do, go crazy, go to a therapist, have a session with mystress, buy 10000$ worth of healing gadgets.. fight for your life and for your soul, allow yourself to feel your losses, hide, have sex, whatever you think is the best.. because when it all comes down this is your path.. i did it my way, mystress did it her way.. you have to do it your way.

I still have transformation going on.. and it can be challenging at times, but i know  God has not forgotten me.. and Goddes is closer than i think! When i feel abandoned or lost i ask Goddes to come close and comfort me with her presence. I did this last week.. and had a very enlightening dream. I was challenging Goddes and her sidekicks. They chased me, and we where playing.. and yet is was very serious. She showed me all the places i hide from her.. in adiction patterns etc. still running. When i did not want to surrender/play with Goddes anymore i went to my sacredplace/castle. It had a see trough door and it was protected by magic locks. I was teasing  her sidekicks because they did not have the power to enter. Goddes showed up with a sign saying "the castle of ultimate stubborness".. i started teasing her from the safety of my castle.. with no effort she blew in the door and entered. I said "wow are you that powerfull, that is cheating" then we laughed and embraced. I woke up with tears in my eyes because i have not felt the close personal connection to her for awhile.. it felt so good knowing that she will not stop for anything, and no matter how foolish i am, or where i hide she will break down the doors. Sometimes growing sucks, but being lost is worse. The next days i had many releasing dreams of wounds on the right side of my body (my main issue).

As you asked me what triggered it? was it really the lsd? did lsd bring all that you feel now or was it there all along and you just wasnt aware?

In retrospective the hardest part for me was when i had given up.. surrender to Goddes and surrender to "the enemy" is different to me. I found that when i had made my descision to find God and the light nothing could stop me! I have faced the devil many times.. both inner and outer. I was inspired by a book i read where a knight had to face a 1000 headed monster, the monster represented all his negative views of himself. I started wondering why it hurt me so much when the devil put his sword in my weaknesess? When i faced the devil i descided not to cover my ears and bow down in shame anymore. I stood up and said "is that the best you got?!" after working this way for awhile the devil/void whatever it was was not so scary anymore. I took it further and descided not to sit around and wait for the next attack, because if this happened when i was out in public it would be really bad. I found out where the devil lived and knocked on his door many times a day. Have you came up with any new material? etc. etc. this made me feel powerfull in control again and helped me find my way back. I am not sure this approach will lead to ultimate freedom but it help me break free from my troubles. But i guess i just used force to build a new ego.. but i did not know any better I have peace now, i have respect now, and i feel worthy asking for communion with God and Goddes. I dont think ego death has to be so dramatic as it was for me.. if one knows how to surrender to Goddes it can propably be very peacefull?

I am beginning to understand what surrender is for me.. it is a very deep personal understanding that Goddes has it handled. I can chose to regret my past, be agry because life is not what i want it to be.. but what i really seek is a very deep personal alive active knowing loving relationship to goddes, and no amount of money, pretty woman could replace that.

I hope this brings you some food for thought?

I am leaving for vacation tomorrow morning so i will not be able to reply for the next week. but if you have anything specific you would like to know feel free to ask. So many things has happened the last 5 years that it still amazes me.

Blessings
Tommy

: Dear Tommy,

: Please do tell me more about your experience.  What triggered it?  Did you make it through without having to take prescription or street drugs?  How did you decide to "stop fearing"?  

: Today started off a little better and I managed to eat a sandwich, but this eveneing it got kind of bad again.  Those small periods of relief here and there are what allow me to keep on keeping on.

: I'm now just giving all my fear and life to God.  Because I no longer can control even my own emotions or fear.  If God wants me to live and find my lust for life again or not, so be it.  I've given up trying to control or understand anything.  It is the same principle as Alcoholics Anonymous.  You realize you are out of control and just give up your self-control and future to God or Destiny.

: I asked for prayers because I read about a man who suffered depression for 40 years until he became part of a prayer circle.  Seems turning to God completely is always the answer to escaping our hells.

: Love Daniel

Dear Daniel
Even though it was not nearly as shocking and intense as for you, I have also gone through an intense period of fear. It came out of "nowhere" and lasted for over a year. At times I felt as if there was nothing else. Just the overwhelming fear.

Just the day before this was set on, I was feeling fine, I was all inspired to practice the usual yoga and do the usual stuff.

Keep in mind that it's temporary!  It can, and it will move through you.

Namaste
Gustaf

: Thanks for your reply Mystress,
: Today I was a little better upon waking, but as the day progressed it got worse and worse.  Almost constant fear or panic attacks along with underlying deep depression and dissconnection from everything.  Everything except my negative emotions.  This is a really hellish existence.  I was a fool to take LSD but nobody deserves this!

: I'm hoping anybody who reads this could please pray for my recovery.  There is only so much of this a human can withstand.  I have been praying myself quite a bit, trying the grounding excercises and meditation, none of it seems to be helping much.  I've barely eaten in the past 2 days but did cut out my protein supplment wich contains sucrolose, just in case that is causing some of this horror.  Only a month ago I was a fairly happy guy well on his way in school and life.

: If you can pray for me it might help to use my photo.  So you can find my photo here:

: http://www.myspace.com/daniel_tynan

: If this persists as bad tommorrow i will probably call a psychological crises line or go to their centre.  My parents are out of town for a week so I can't even reach out to them right now.

: thanks for your help.
: Daniel

That is quite the story bro!  Thanks for sharing.  

I'm glad you made it back to the bright side.  I guess there is always somebody else who had had it worse than yourself.

I don't really think too much about entities and demons and such.  I guess I feel all my difficult experiences are my own doing, not that I'm being controlled or overtaken by some demon.

You are right I do have supports and circumstances that are in my favour to deal with this.  Lately I have a few ok days and a few really bad days.  I seem to be at the mercy of my own emotions and thoughts day to day.  It is a rollercoaster.  Sometimes I can feel some meaning in my life and other times I feel no purpose or meaning.   On my worst day last week as I was walking home I picked up this face down game card lying on the ground.  It was in Chinese but it had a depiction of a guy facing outward and falling into a dark vortex and he had a very prominent shadow leading from his feet.  How appropriate I thought.

Have a great vacation
Daniel

Dear Daniel

How is it going? i guess someone outthere is always worse off? I dont know how to lable suffering, is it worse to lose a child, a girlfriend, be paralyzed, insane, living a normal life, be lonely? I experienced my personal hell.. and it could not have been worse for me. I have pondered this experinece for the last week, and im not sure if i really experienced "ego-death". For me it was more a loss of self.. like the door to my subconsciouss was blown wide open. I was too big.. i was a little fish in an endless ocean trying to drink it all. It felt beyond taking responsibillity, i had been a fool no doubt, it is not wise to spend the whole youth doing drugs and being an ashole, but buttomline i did not feel i had done anything to deserve such punishment. I did not know karma, pastlives etc. and was very unprepared for a thing like this.

I see now it was the answer to my prayers.. and from where i was it could not have happened differently. If i had had patience it could have done this growing up over time, but i wanted it NOW.. and it was a curse.

For me it has more been a breaking free.. but the first year or two i was crushed under the weight of my shadow, now it is more of a fair fight It is my friend and i do not fear it.. i still need it i tell myself. Atleast untill i figure out how to live without history and find my true purpose?! (i wonder if this is true *s*)

I was abused and tormented for the first 21 years of my life.. and was too weak to do anything about it. Then my spirit got activated and it was even more dramatic. Now the drama is gone.. i have no real pain, just residues of a painfull history. It is strange, because i dont have emotional charge on my history anymore.. but my mind needs the past to define itself, atleast for now. And i stopped forcing it.

I dont know how this should help you in any way.. i dont know how my hell should make it easier on you. But from where i stand you seem well equipped to handle this.. even though its a bit rough. I was told in the beginning of my process that noone could help me and that i had to help myself. I took this too litterally and tried to do it all myself.. and how victorious i am?! I made it, but really listening and understanding would have made the journey much easier for me. If i had not been so screwed i could have learned from more clever people. I spend alot of time understanding things that i could have learned in an easier way. The fire serpent tantra course was the first thing that really made sense to me, i could relate to it and it resonnated very strongly within me.. i did the course except the graduation. I have read it all.. worked with it to the best of my abillity, it helped me ALOT. I have not worked intensly with it for a year now.. and now i am beginning to understand. I will take the whole journey once again from a different starting point. But that has been my thorn in the foot.. i know when i read truth.. i understand it.. but it takes time for me to convert it to my own undestanding.

What i am trying to say is that you have to understand for yourself what is going on? life continues wether we like it or not, and before you know it this will be ancient history. Cherish it!!

the fire of kundalini is great.. surrender and let it burn.. imagine the fire died out.. scary

*May the force be with you Daniel*

Tommy    

P.s. i had a great vacation.. sooooo nice with sunshine.
: That is quite the story bro!  Thanks for sharing.  

: I'm glad you made it back to the bright side.  I guess there is always somebody else who had had it worse than yourself.

: I don't really think too much about entities and demons and such.  I guess I feel all my difficult experiences are my own doing, not that I'm being controlled or overtaken by some demon.

: You are right I do have supports and circumstances that are in my favour to deal with this.  Lately I have a few ok days and a few really bad days.  I seem to be at the mercy of my own emotions and thoughts day to day.  It is a rollercoaster.  Sometimes I can feel some meaning in my life and other times I feel no purpose or meaning.   On my worst day last week as I was walking home I picked up this face down game card lying on the ground.  It was in Chinese but it had a depiction of a guy facing outward and falling into a dark vortex and he had a very prominent shadow leading from his feet.  How appropriate I thought.

: Have a great vacation
: Daniel