Since going through the Shadow class and the time around there, all hell has broken lose, internally.

I find myself at times nearly overwhelmed with dark desires that have been in hiding for a very long time. Many of them are of a sexual and obsessive nature.   And from the realizations about the Shadow, these things are SO not the way I perceive myself to be, or wish to be.  The whole thing shows up as a tangled mess of fear, desire, anger and guilt.. Sometimes I get the visual of a pack of hyenas fighting with themselves. Feels like it too.

It comes in unexpected ways. Mostly its been subtle but sometimes it's like being slammed in the gut with them. These things are the very opposites to the sweet-hearted, creative, honorable artist and little yogi-saint that often makes up my self-image.

Well, it's not only the Shadow class... I've spent at least 10-20 minutes every morning with a long grounding session and surrendering/clearing the karma that comes up. I guess things are being rocked loose quite a bit.

Guidance tells me to not stop the grounding and the surrendering, but keep at that part. Some of the stuff is hard to digest though, especially the emotional/desire/guilt stuff.  All I can do at the moment is to allow the feeling in as much as I can.. Not act on these things and not reject them either.  Man it's a razorblade's edge to walk!   While the mind is bouncing from polarity and back like a ping-pong ball..   Showing the extremes and futility of struggle and judgement? I dunno..

I've been intent on allowing it all in. Just didn't realize that yet another can of worm has been opened. There's no going back this time. I don't want to supress anything again. So very tired of that one.

Thanks for letting me share!
Namaste
Gustaf

: Since going through the Shadow class and the time around there, all hell has broken lose, internally.

That section really is the hardest part of the course, and it is why so many months of classes preceedes them.

: I find myself at times nearly overwhelmed with dark desires that have been in hiding for a very long time. Many of them are of a sexual and obsessive nature.   And from the realizations about the Shadow, these things are SO not the way I perceive myself to be, or wish to be.  The whole thing shows up as a tangled mess of fear, desire, anger and guilt.. Sometimes I get the visual of a pack of hyenas fighting with themselves. Feels like it too.

That is how it works, shadow integration for Kundalites. When you start turning your judgments of other people inward, after a while it accellerates and more shadow-stuff starts moving through to be released.

 Having the shadow show up as a separate being tough love guide as I did, is only for Shamans. I see other people's shadows too, though not often. Mostly when I need to find my sense of humour! Sometimes with this stuff, facing it with acceptance then exaggerating it until it becomes absurd, can be helpful!

: It comes in unexpected ways. Mostly its been subtle but sometimes it's like being slammed in the gut with them. These things are the very opposites to the sweet-hearted, creative, honorable artist and little yogi-saint that often makes up my self-image.

LOL! Yeah, the spiritual ego. Part of my shadow was my sexual orientation, and accepting it was the hardest... unbelievable guilt!
 The good thing is when you own it, it no longer slips out secretly as it does when repressed.

: Well, it's not only the Shadow class... I've spent at least 10-20 minutes every morning with a long grounding session and surrendering/clearing the karma that comes up. I guess things are being rocked loose quite a bit.

: Guidance tells me to not stop the grounding and the surrendering, but keep at that part.

Yes.

:Some of the stuff is hard to digest though, especially the emotional/desire/guilt stuff.  All I can do at the moment is to allow the feeling in as much as I can.. Not act on these things and not reject them either.  Man it's a razorblade's edge to walk!

LOL!! It gets easier with practice. It is all about unconditional love. Goddess loves you unconditionally, loves every part of you no matter how warty or stinky you think it is. Love yourself. Blessings!

: While the mind is bouncing from polarity and back like a ping-pong ball..   Showing the extremes and futility of struggle and judgement? I dunno..

: I've been intent on allowing it all in. Just didn't realize that yet another can of worm has been opened. There's no going back this time. I don't want to supress anything again. So very tired of that one.

: Thanks for letting me share!
: Namaste
: Gustaf

: That section really is the hardest part of the course, and it is why so many months of classes preceedes them.

No kidding!  It's like a starved hungry child stark raving mad with lust and greed and possession and obsession and only Shadow knows whatelse! lol!   When I try to go into it, move into it... it slips away, then comes back again.. Different?  Not sure.. More keeps coming.

: That is how it works, shadow integration for Kundalites. When you start turning your judgments of other people inward, after a while it accellerates and more shadow-stuff starts moving through to be released.

:   Having the shadow show up as a separate being tough love guide as I did, is only for Shamans. I see other people's shadows too, though not often. Mostly when I need to find my sense of humour! Sometimes with this stuff, facing it with acceptance then exaggerating it until it becomes absurd, can be helpful!

Yup!  Right now I don't even need to look at judgements of others. I see it and feel it at point blank range. Sometimes I laugh at the whole thing. Laugh with my humanity, chuckle at the absurdity of how overblown the smallest things appear.. Kinda like what you say about inflating it until it looks absurd.. Only that it seems to happen spontaneously!

: LOL! Yeah, the spiritual ego. Part of my shadow was my sexual orientation, and accepting it was the hardest... unbelievable guilt!
:   The good thing is when you own it, it no longer slips out secretly as it does when repressed.

Owning that sort of stuff is just plain rough! It rages through and is so intense, and then invite it in?  I swear it feels more crazy than the prospect of jumping out of an aircraft or swimming across the english channel or something.
: : Guidance tells me to not stop the grounding and the surrendering, but keep at that part.

: LOL!! It gets easier with practice. It is all about unconditional love. Goddess loves you unconditionally, loves every part of you no matter how warty or stinky you think it is. Love yourself. Blessings!

On one level it feels incredibly empowering, yet at the same time incredibly humiliating.. Oh well life surely isn't dull at the moment!  I get the occasional breaks to laugh about it or receive new insights. What would be the point of living as a human without a bit of dirty human-ness?  Thank Goddess for some discernment and a heartvoice to sort it through with!  It would not be very fun without it that's for sure.

This is one of the hardest things I have ever written, one of hardest things to admit to myself and the world. A shadow of shame and sexuality. I feel very afraid to write about it, yet my Heart is urging me on. Understanding that it's ok to talk about sexuality here, I am going to do so, even if it feels shameful.

Most of it adheres to sexuality and possessiveness. The guilt and shame surrounding it is incredibly intense. For example, I've had a fetish for big breasts since I can remember. The sexual effects of it are undeniable, yet I have never fully owned it. I always lived with it with an idea of "I'll get over it" or "It's just a lower thing" or some other judgement. Instead it would manifest in very uncomfortable ways, hit me in the gut when I least expect it and feel very dirty and shameful in the process too. Breasts are beautiful. Supressed it became a shameful obsession, coupled with a strong possessiveness. I 've lost count with how many times I started to create collections of movies or pictures followed with karmic feedback as I projected the suppressed desires onto the women in the collections. All around me I've seen men enjoying the exact same thing, and women too, yet I created a little monster out of it. I enjoy other things too, in general it has to do with very generous female curves. Wife has plenty of that too. But my suppressed content made things feel ugly.

Ugliness and guilt comes when it feels like I'm objectifying women because of my sexual orientation. Ego says that "I'm not the kind of person who does that" no, too good, too much of a gentleman to do that? Breasts and generous feminine curves have been the subject of art for ages, it's something that comes from deep inside.  My inner guidance tells me that the objectifying and possessiveness and obsession comes due to suppression. It surfaces in a wanton, neurotic manner that pushes and forces itself rather than just flowing openly.

These shadow issues have harrassed me since my teens, and they expressed themselves in many immoral ways. Never actually hurting anyone except myself though. Most naughty thing I did quite a few years ago was exploring a milder form of voyerism. I've been an expert and inflicing suffering onto myself though. A true master! Deftly wielding the art of self-inflicted suffering.

That I recently realized I can talk about it openly with my wife opened a floodgate of repressed material. We're even going to enjoy things together that I've been repressing. I won't say specifically what it is until I know she won't mind if I post it here first.

I've downloaded a bunch of adult movies and adult games!  Wife said she doesn't mind at all, especially if she can play them with me. We tried out a japanese hentai game which was rather cute. It's lifted a lot of embarrassment and secrecy over the whole thing.  And at the same time the hidden, incessant obsessions have calmed considerably because I am not denying myself so much. I feel lighter and more at ease. Until the next wave comes of course. But oh well, that's shadow work for ya.

Back in the days I was not as aware of karmic feedback as now. The other day I was bold enough to explore the venue of gathering photo collections of women again, just to find out how I felt and what it lead to. Karmic feedback! Very strong too. Power Chakra pulling together. Especially when sexual energy is involved. Stayed grounded, stayed in witness.  Not so compelling any more. I stopped it but I've allowed the energy behind it to be part of me, feel it thoroughly when it manifests, dive into it. Surrender it and see what insights that come following. I've had a direct experience about what you talked about projecting sexual energy onto someone. The body has an amazing guidance system!

Listening to Shadow again. Ego doesn't want to fully own and admit that either, that I'd be "bad" enough to do such a thing!

The toughest part is owning it! Admitting it fully as a part of me.

Embracing myself as a fully sexual being (Body responding with warm goosebumps all over me when I typed that)

Many things have become very clear to me over the past few weeks. That phrase that Mystress is using. "What is repressed comes back up ugly" or something like that.

What's behind it is not ugly at all. It's Goddess, sexual expression. All the discomforts and all that feels ugly and shameful are such gifts! But it's hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes.

I'm a sexual being! I'm full with it, and my Shadow is showing me the most incredible things about myself, an aliveness in the darkest closets of my being. With discernment, with the still small voice within I can light up every closet, love every monster under every bed. It's hard every time. Doing something in spite of fear.  Writing a post like this in spite of fear.  Every word I've typed now carry the energy with it.

Fears lurking with every sentence. I stopped myself several times barely able to type it.

Namaste!
Gustaf