I want to thank Barg, Mystress and Augustin for their wonderful responses and insights.

It's going to take me a little while to process! LOL But I know there are several things I'm interested in replying to . . .

Also, last night Barg and I chatted a while on-line and she offered me a great insight into my dream that gave me a lot of comfort -

@ the warrior in the dream "'Cause he sounds great in the dream, and you only FEAR he won't come back after the battle, but he's battling Hera, which is what yr saying the nutjob wanted, so it sounds like he's protecting you. "

I had been especially upset because I thought even my internal male was abandoning me - but now I might just need to help him discriminate a little more on communicating what he is doing with/for me - so that we can negotiate what I need a little better.

BTW, my grounding are happening much more smoothly now!

Again, many many thanks!

Peace and joy to all!

: I want to thank Barg, Mystress and Augustin for their wonderful responses and insights.

Me too!  I%rsquove wanted to respond but have not been there for you - i wish it was different
and maybe i%rsquoll get another chance some day.  But the responses to your post have been
excellent and to add my 2cents now would probably be overload - i can relate to what
you said - it%rsquos alot to process.

I%rsquove been here only fleetingly because of some new demands on my time...my job went
full time at the beginning of this year, meaning i have to go to the office 3 days a week (i
do data entry from home).  How is your new job working out?  Mine may - it may not -
i%rsquove given it to Goddess.  Also my nutcase mother searching husband took another
nosedive into his bottle - he worships that whiskey god.  Since i%rsquove got 3 kids he had to
leave - can%rsquot find it anywhere in my heart to subject them to his abuse.  Nor can i be an
example of someone who takes it.  I think i know why Goddess sent him to me now.  X,
your description of that guy made me look in the mirror.  Just as an fyi - this is the 2nd
alcoholic i%rsquove married.  GOT to figure out why.  Both were looking for mom.  And i%rsquom
not interested in being their mom.  At all.  Gives me the willies, even.  But my
impression of them wasn%rsquot that when i married; i thought they were strong, independent
types who would take care of me.  I think having kids made me think i was submissive,
because i really bought into the mom thing and wanted to stay at home with them, raise
them myself, all that.  So having someone %lsquotake care of %lsquo the financial responsibilities for
me gave me this impression. (It seems).  An email to the k-list talked about a woman who
yells to stand her ground, or something like that - and she referred to herself as a
dominant type.  Another look in the mirror.  I yell all the time, too.  (At him, to stand my
ground)  He%rsquos a controlling abusive negative person who accepts no responsibility for his
actions.  Enough to piss a bitch off, which was happening to me.  SO, have i been so
incredibly obtuse as to not recognize this dominant bitch Self who will NOT back down
to a bully nor will she let any harm pass between her and her children?  (I%rsquove had to
protect my kids from loose dogs on several occasions.  I%rsquom very effective.  LOL)

Yep.  I saw a reflection of me in those guys, and missed their submissive personalities.
They saw the dominant person in me that i hadn%rsquot accepted yet.

I gave up this man to Goddess a couple of months ago.  He kept coming around, egging
me into fights, and - believe it or not - wanting to move back in.  (It would be so much
easier for him).  Then I accepted this bitch Self, and took full responsibility for her, and
when he tried to %lsquoblame%rsquo me for having to have things my way - i gave her full reign and
made it clear that%rsquos EXACTLY how it is.  It got very volatile and even physical.  But i
haven%rsquot heard from him since.  It%rsquos been a week.  I%rsquom starting to think he might be in jail.
Or maybe, since i%rsquove accepted this bitch - maybe Goddess doesn%rsquot need him in my life
anymore.

Well - after beginning to recognize this new Self, i started fantasizing about my next
lover - me telling him to get on his knees to ask for my attention.  The fantasy didn%rsquot go
much further than that.  Probably because it%rsquos all new terrain.  I reread the lesson on
roleplay and responsibility.  It%rsquos helped me to understand that i don%rsquot know myself well
enough to even consider going outside for a relationship.  But, the night after that fight, i
dreamed i was having sex with Madonna.  We were sitting facing each other, no one on
top or bottom.  How%rsquos that for validation??    (And eat your heart out, btw......LOL)

: Also, last night Barg and I chatted a while on-line and she offered me a great insight
into my dream that gave me a lot of comfort -

That%rsquos great.  You will find much comfort here, i know i have.

: Again, many many thanks!

: Peace and joy to all!

Things will settle down soon, for you, too.  Glad to be here with all of you.

Peace,
carla

: : I want to thank Barg, Mystress and Augustin for their wonderful responses and insights.

You are welcome! I'm realy happy to see the students supporting one another.

:Also my nutcase mother searching husband took another
: nosedive into his bottle - he worships that whiskey god.  Since i%rsquove got 3 kids he had to
: leave - can%rsquot find it anywhere in my heart to subject them to his abuse.

Very wise!

:But my
: impression of them wasn%rsquot that when i married; i thought they were strong, independent
: types who would take care of me.

So you were looking for a Mom?

: I think having kids made me think i was submissive,
: because i really bought into the mom thing and wanted to stay at home with them, raise
: them myself, all that.

Ever Mom has a Momma Bear inside her.. Goddess arranges it that way.

: Yep.  I saw a reflection of me in those guys, and missed their submissive personalities.
: They saw the dominant person in me that i hadn%rsquot accepted yet.

I think that most women have an inner Domina.. and K. awakening seems to really bring it out to dance!

: Or maybe, since i%rsquove accepted this bitch - maybe Goddess doesn%rsquot need him in my life
: anymore.

Sounds right to me..

: Well - after beginning to recognize this new Self, i started fantasizing about my next
: lover - me telling him to get on his knees to ask for my attention.

That is nature! All through nature, it's the males who have to fight, dance, build nests and prove themselves worthy of the fem. Humans got it mixed up somehow, but I find that playing hard to get means the males appreciate me so much more.

: But, the night after that fight, i
: dreamed i was having sex with Madonna.  We were sitting facing each other, no one on
: top or bottom.  How%rsquos that for validation??    (And eat your heart out, btw......LOL)

Giving love to the Bitch Goddess within yourself, as an equal. Beauty! In my Tribe, everybody starts out as slave trainee.. the women graduate to Priestess, the men graduate to slave of Goddess. I'm a Matriarch, you betcha!

Blessings!  

• http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/mind/domina.htm">In Praise Of Submissive Men.

: nosedive into his bottle - he worships that whiskey god.  Since i%rsquove got 3 kids he had to
: leave - can%rsquot find it anywhere in my heart to subject them to his abuse.  Nor can i be an
: example of someone who takes it.  

You go girl! There's that old Al-Anon saying: They'll get you drunk before you get them sober!

: your description of that guy made me look in the mirror.  Just as an fyi - this is the 2nd
: alcoholic i%rsquove married.  GOT to figure out why.  Both were looking for mom.  And i%rsquom
: not interested in being their mom.  At all.  Gives me the willies, even.  But my
: impression of them wasn%rsquot that when i married; i thought they were strong, independent
: types who would take care of me.  

I'm beginning to see that I stopped choosing the same guy over and over only AFTER I changed myself. That other self wanted one type, could pick him out in a crowd and have him moved in overnight.

Now I still feel a little buzz around those types, but my vision is better when I look at their behavior. Things I never saw before come up like red flags.

Even this old boyfriend I'm emailing has some red flags there. As I said, he's hankering to split from the wife and emailing the woman who flowered him, I don't need Freud to tell me what that's about.

<
: because i really bought into the mom thing and wanted to stay at home with them, raise
: them myself, all that.  So having someone %lsquotake care of %lsquo the financial responsibilities for
: me gave me this impression. (It seems).  An email to the k-list talked about a woman who
: yells to stand her ground, or something like that - and she referred to herself as a
: dominant type.  Another look in the mirror.  I yell all the time, too.  (At him, to stand my
: ground)  He%rsquos a controlling abusive negative person who accepts no responsibility for his
: actions.  Enough to piss a bitch off, which was happening to me.  SO, have i been so
: incredibly obtuse as to not recognize this dominant bitch Self who will NOT back down
: to a bully nor will she let any harm pass between her and her children?  (I%rsquove had to
: protect my kids from loose dogs on several occasions.  I%rsquom very effective.  LOL)

Sometimes I think we're all Scarlet O'Hara types. All she really wanted was to be an air-headed southern belle, but fate kept making her have to be bitchy and strong, and she rose to the occasion. She had to be in charge despite her desire to be a lovedoll taken care of by a man. I mean, who DOESN'T want to be taken care of? I don't want to work these creepy, planet-eating jobs. I just want to write and sing. Yeah, PLEASE take care of me.

Just don't make me have to suffer any consequences, like abuse, or alcoholism, or denial of my being . . . hmmmm, no takers once I add that detail, so, have to do it on my own. Sob. Doesn't Goddess at least want me to win the lottery? A small one?

: Then I accepted this bitch Self, and took full responsibility for her, and
: when he tried to %lsquoblame%rsquo me for having to have things my way - i gave her full reign and
: made it clear that%rsquos EXACTLY how it is.  It got very volatile and even physical.  But i
: haven%rsquot heard from him since.  

YEA!!!! Hit the road, Jack.

: dreamed i was having sex with Madonna.  We were sitting facing each other, no one on
: top or bottom.  How%rsquos that for validation??    (And eat your heart out, btw......LOL)

Ha ha. I love the new iconography Madonna has slipped into our collective unconscious, even tho I'm not wild about her music, I love her style.

Peace,
Barg

Sorry Carla.

Dear Mystress (and Carla).  

: :Since i%rsquove got 3 kids he had to  leave - can%rsquot find it anywhere in my heart to subject them to his abuse.
:   Very wise!

: Ever Mom has a Momma Bear inside her.. Goddess arranges it that way.

I am not very far into the path of surrender to Goddess, but I wanted to chip in a few words of support to you, Carla.  

As I read the last comments, it occured to met that you are deservedly and obviously under the care and protection of Goddess, and Mystress as well.  For that you are blessed beyond what most can understand.  

: : Yep.  I saw a reflection of me in those guys, and missed their submissive personalities. They saw the dominant person in me that i hadn%rsquot accepted yet.

: I think that most women have an inner Domina.. and K. awakening seems to really bring it out to dance!

This line of discussion seems so real and good to me that I wonder when I will be able to release my concerns and accept the submissive person in me.  I will take your journey as instructive in surrender and acceptance.

: : Or maybe, since i%rsquove accepted this bitch - maybe Goddess doesn%rsquot need him in my life
: : anymore.
: Sounds right to me..
: : Well - after beginning to recognize this new Self, i started fantasizing about my next
: : lover - me telling him to get on his knees to ask for my attention.

Again, this seems right, and natural.  When I read these comments, I couldn't help but feel my need to get down on my knees to write this response to you.  

You have Divine Goddess flowing through you, Carla.  I am honored by your sharing and deep awareness of who and what is within you.

:   That is nature! All through nature, it's the males who have to fight, dance, build nests and prove themselves worthy of the fem. Humans got it mixed up somehow, but I find that playing hard to get means the males appreciate me so much more.

: : But, the night after that fight, i
: : dreamed i was having sex with Madonna.  We were sitting facing each other, no one on
: : top or bottom.  How%rsquos that for validation??    (And eat your heart out, btw......LOL)

: Giving love to the Bitch Goddess within yourself, as an equal. Beauty! In my Tribe, everybody starts out as slave trainee.. the women graduate to Priestess, the men graduate to slave of Goddess. I'm a Matriarch, you betcha!

Mystress, this last comment is directed more for you.  You have proven to me each time I read your words in the Tea room why you are Mystress and Teacher to me.

Today,  I have been asking Goddess to accept the gift of my impatience, so that I can quietly (and with Her spirit inspiring me) stay steady on my path of submission and surrender to All that is.  

Thank you, Mystress.

Re: Many Thanks

[  ] [  ] [  ] [  ]

Posted by  on January 19, 2001 at 03:48:01:
In Reply to:  posted by carla on January 18, 2001 at 11:36:41:

:So you were looking for a Mom?

o.k......nudge those mother issues to the surface to be surrendered...    thank you
Mystress...i have been and still am and will probably continue for a long time.  Lots of
those in here.  You%rsquore probably right about me looking for her in %lsquoall the wrong places...%rsquo

: In my Tribe, everybody starts out as slave trainee.. the women graduate to Priestess, the
men graduate to slave of Goddess. I'm a Matriarch, you betcha!    

How do you (did you) find your Tribe?  i feel like a lone wolf.

Well, i%rsquom glad i gave up my job to Goddess, because it%rsquos going away.  Syncronicity was
working against me there -snow days, ice storms, my son kept getting very sick from
being at day-care....had to have tubes put in his ears that 1st week of January.  Then even
one of the tubes got clogged so he got real sick again this past week.  It%rsquos been this way
almost constantly since the 1st of November.  The other two have gotten bad stomach
viruses.  And me having to choose between taking care of them or going to this job.  Not
sure what my next path will be, trying not to be too attached to a paycheck, though it%rsquos
very important that i start getting one soon!    At least i can get back into this course!!!!!
yippee!!!  i get giggles just thinking about it.

Blessings!

And many blessings to you, too. Your post to Augustin was another that i wanted to respond to but didn't....i also thank you for your sharing and candor.  It's wonderful that You now can see what we see in You.  

James - that response you wrote gave me warm fuzzies and many smiles.  Thanks for the
thrill.  I%rsquom glad you could find something that you needed out of my ramblings.  

Barg - yep you can call me Scarlet!!!  Just read me like a book - would ya!   I%rsquom hoping
to incorporate at least a little discernment into my choices.  Actually - i don%rsquot think i%rsquoll be
making any for now.  I%rsquom into the lessons about loving Self.  That%rsquos a good first step from
here.

Peace,
carla

: Re: Many Thanks

: How do you (did you) find your Tribe?  i feel like a lone wolf.

Over a period of years.. it is the term I use for my little Matrifocal "family". My own private cult.. I did not find them, they found me! There are only a dozen of us, and a few are here in Vancouver with me, but most are scattered around the world. The "Mansion Project" will be a home for us all, as well as a Kundalini retreat center.

: Well, i%rsquom glad i gave up my job to Goddess, because it%rsquos going away.  Syncronicity was
: working against me there -snow days, ice storms, my son kept getting very sick from
: being at day-care....had to have tubes put in his ears that 1st week of January.  Then even
: one of the tubes got clogged so he got real sick again this past week.

Take him off wheat flour, right away. No more bread, pasta, pizza, cookies, or any foods thickened with flour... like gravy or Campbells soup.  I'm not a Doctor.. but, try it.. if it works, then take him to a Naturopath who does food sensitivity testing. Kinesiology testing or vega-testing.
There are subtle food allergies at work that do not show up on normal, western medicine allergy tests. I cannot eat wheat flour either, and it is not that I am allergic to it, but that I do not digest it very well, so it gets digested by unfriendly bacteria in my intestines that pee toxins into my bloodstream,which afect my ability to focus my brain.
The grain that makes up 60% of the North American diet, is a "new food", it was not around 100 years ago, and some people like me have not evolved to digest it very well. It also has additives that can dampen the immune system.. I know one woman who gets a bladder infection every time she eats store-bought bread.. additives..
Just a sec, I'll do a search and see if I can find you some info on the web. Yes, here ya go.. cut and paste these links into your browser.

http://www.indolink.com/Parents/health/ear.htm

http://www.healthtrust.com/intmed/Access2Cons2/ConsConditions/OtitisMediacc.shtml

http://parentsplace.com/health/adultnutrition/qa/0,3435,5100,00.html

http://www.onlineallergycenter.com/ear.htm

http://www.themestream.com/articles/85128.htm

http://www.gsdl.com/news/1999/19990227/

http://www.healthwell.com/delicious-online/D_backs/Jan_97/natheal.cfm

http://www.owingsmills.net/drlayton/PRO_SPEAK/earinfec.html

:  It%rsquos been this way
: almost constantly since the 1st of November.  The other two have gotten bad stomach
: viruses.  And me having to choose between taking care of them or going to this job.  Not
: sure what my next path will be, trying not to be too attached to a paycheck, though it%rsquos
: very important that i start getting one soon!    At least i can get back into this course!!!!!
: yippee!!!  i get giggles just thinking about it.

: Blessings!

Everything has purpose.. I think that probably all of your children have allergies that are afecting their immune system, and learning to sort that out will be a "full time" job for you for a while.. and it is important to do so! There are plenty of good book on the topic, visit your library.
When that is solved, then a job will appear for you. I often suggest that "Kundalites" look for a way to become self employed. That way you can surrender to the K. when the earth energy is high, and focus on earning $$$ when it is quieter. Avoid anything involving multi-level marketing, consider taking some night school courses in webdesign, accounting, or something else that you can "freelance" at.

: And many blessings to you, too. Your post to Augustin was another that i wanted to respond to but didn't....i also thank you for your sharing and candor.  It's wonderful that You now can see what we see in You.  

Thank you! I can see it, I have seen it, but I tend not to rest on my laurels.. I am a sadist, and I know that about myself so I tend to be watchful that it does not come out inappropriately.. always growing!

 Blessings!

Yes, here ya go.. cut and paste these links into your browser.

Thank you, Mystress.   Namaste.

  One more link.. this one is just for you.. for your novice Bitch-Goddess self..

http://www.akashaweb.com/  

  Blessings..

: Yes, here ya go.. cut and paste these links into your browser.

:
: Thank you, Mystress.   Namaste.