A couple of nights ago I threw the I Ching and got a double chen (51), which my computer I Ching defined as:

"Arousal
Thunderous Shock

If you are exposed to the unleashing of nature's primal energy, it is an electrifying and humbling moment. THe energy contained in a thunderstorm, or the power and fury set loose in a hurricane at sea, create in the mind of the person experiencing them a sense of awe and reverance at the majesty and power that exist in the universe. This can be both a frightening and exhilarating experience. Its contemplation should cause you to consider your rol in the grandeur of nature's order."

Man oh man. I thought for sure that sounded like K, and I threw the thing double, do it was double Arousal.

But also, for the last two weeks, I've been emailing the guy I was with when I was 20 and he was 19 (I was "an older woman" and he was the only guy I ever "flowered"). He looked me up on the Internet.

Digression: Never understood why "losing" one's virginity was known as "deflowering". Such a Puritan concept, that sex is deflowering. When it's actually a flowering, ala the birds and the bees. Pollination isn't deflowering, it's flowering. Thus my word, "flowered" rather than "deflowered".

Back to story:
In the last few days the emails have really heated up. He told me he found this metal disk (remember those things in a machine, and you could stamp out a message by stamping out the letters?) good luck charm I'd made him, and it said "Barbara is Jacks Love Goddess". Well that had me giggling at the computer.

My libido has been pretty dormant for the last 3-4 years, since my last relationship. There were moments when it would jazz up, but only if I was eating really well and doing a lot of yoga.

At the moment, I've been not eating so well, not doing my yoga, but having these amazing email exchanges everyday with this guy, and they're very flirty, and getting very sexy. Not pornographic sexy, but words and nuances that fill the air with erotic perfume as they dance through the mind, old memories of intimacies and experiences, and my libido is suddenly raging like crazy.

I'm down that rabbit hole to Wonderland, in my head. He lives pretty close, it turns out, and we're going to meet in Feb. He's got two children, grown now, and he and his wife have been living seperate lives for a while.

Last night he told me that he's jumping out of his skin to move on with his life. I think he wants to divorce his wife, now that his children are grown, and move away. And he's obviously preparing to do that now.

Now I'm not a complete idiot. I can see that this guy has been with a woman he doesn't really love, he's been waiting for his kids to get grown so he can leave, he calls the woman who flowered him and gets involved in an email exchange that gives him psychological energy to move into a different life. Also, we haven't seen each other in 30 years, and the only thing we know to image in our heads is what we looked like 30 years ago. I look pretty much the same, weight-wise, etc. Got good skin, live a bohemian artist life, so I look kinda beatnikish. I not a feared of that stuff, but still if he's hots for a 20 yr old, it ain't gonna work. I don't think that's where he's at though.

He used to have the most beautiful hair, a shock of which hung over his eye and he'd be constantly brushing it back. (Yeah, I'm gone, aren't I?) He told that now he's kinda balding.

Men and their hair (and they talk about women's vanity!). You'd think losing hair was like male breast cancer. Anyway, that stuff doesn't bother me. It's what's in the head, heart, libido I'm interested in.

And, lol, last time I was with him, he was also trying to break up with a girlfriend back home. Maybe it's just my karma to help him move away from relationships that don't work for him anymore.

But, for me, I haven't felt this giddy in ages, and my libido is storming. Last night I had a dream where I was looking out on the kind of flat, barren landscape, like the Panhandle in Texas, and suddenly, the sky became gorgeously dark blue and cloudy, the air charged up with high voltage and these cobalt blue cups and saucers, giant ones, began blowing through the air in a rousing wind. Meanwhile, right outside my window (from which I was watching the storm), giant pine trees would suddenly spring sideways from the barren ground with a thunderous roar and plant themselves firmly in the ground. Hundreds of trees were thundering up into the ground, and hundreds of these beauitful cups and saucers were hurling through the skies, and the air kept charging higher and higher.

I asked my therapist what he thought of this dream and he started laughing. He saw the trees and male sexual energy, the cups and saucers as female sexual energy. He saw my libido as being so active it's thundering up my dreams. Talk about arousal!

So I don't know what will happen between this guy and me. Maybe it'll all be an email Wonderland, and when we meet we'll not take it to another level. Or maybe we'll meet, and everything will go up a notch or two. Maybe we'll have a lovely little fling. Or maybe we'll be soulmates for the rest of our lives. I have no idea.

I do know that our sensibilities, politics, social values, takes on the world have a lot in common -- we discuss all this stuff in email. That we have some very tender memories to share together, and some hilarious ones too. And that I'm having a blast, and this has really charged my energy for other stuff to.

So maybe that's what the Arousal was about, not K. Or maybe this is clearing my sex chakra, or opening it, and Goddess has sent Jack to do that. Whatever it is, I'm delighted. Hard not to make plans for his future, and hard not to dream, but I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and enjoy what's going on.

I keep remembering that Dorothy Parker poem:

Love is a thing full of laughter and song
Of joy and extemporania.
Love is a thing that can never go wrong
And I . . . am the Queen of Romania!

I've got my eyes wide opens and heart too. Is this possible to maintain?

Had to share this, thanks for listening.

Burbling Barg

: A couple of nights ago I threw the I Ching and got a double chen (51), which my computer I Ching defined as:

: "Arousal
: Thunderous Shock

With your vivid description of your emotions, you certainly got me aroused to! LOL! :-)

Your story reminds the feelings I had when I fell in love with a woman a few months ago. I hadn't fallen in love for over 10 years so I was very curious and observed carefully my feelings... It was like a new toy for me... I played with them and then surrendered them to Goddess... the feelings never came back! I guess Goddess thought I had enough of one woman at home, :-( .

Maybe this man is for you... Goddess knows best! Have some fun but then find out what you get back when you surrender it all...

Love to you,

Augustin..

: With your vivid description of your emotions, you certainly got me aroused to! LOL! :-)

LOL

: Maybe this man is for you... Goddess knows best! Have some fun but then find out what you get back when you surrender it all...

I have no idea if this "relationship" has a future. I used to say relationships began as inflationships and ended as deflationships.

Anyway, I had to do this gig with an improvisation band last night. Haven't done much of that sort of thing, the band I usually play in has every note down and rehearsed. But this improv thing is so exciting, I have to really listen and be charged to make anything happen. I did groundings before the gig. And I also noticed that the sexual energy had my creativity really charged up. It went quite well, and I'm still buzzing. So even if this email thing has no other purpose, it's gotten me back in touch with that energy, and it's fueled my creativity.

Barg

: : With your vivid description of your emotions, you certainly got me aroused to! LOL!
:-)

: LOL

Like Bette Midler says.....%rsquoOh i LOVE to be in love, don%rsquot you LOVE to be in love?%rsquo  

:
: I have no idea if this "relationship" has a future. I used to say relationships began as
inflationships and ended as deflationships.

That%rsquos an excellent analogy.  So true!

: Anyway, I had to do this gig with an improvisation band last night. Haven't done much
of that sort of thing, the band I usually play in has every note down and rehearsed. But
this improv thing is so exciting, I have to really listen and be charged to make anything
happen. I did groundings before the gig. And I also noticed that the sexual energy had my
creativity really charged up. It went quite well, and I'm still buzzing. So even if this email
thing has no other purpose, it's gotten me back in touch with that energy, and it's fueled
my creativity.

It%rsquos sounds like you%rsquore having a blast on all fronts.  Do it to it!!!  

: Barg

Peace,
carla

Improv is wonderful! Do you know I trained as an improv comeddienne before I became a pro-Dom? I gave it up because I was doing group improv, and I had a tendency to take over the scenes.. the other artists didn't like it.

All these videos for the course.. none of them were scripted. I wrote the title for each one, then got grounded and let Goddess use me for a mouthpiece. Improv is great for learning not to censor yourself, but to let the creativity flow unhindered.
Blessings!

: Improv is wonderful! Do you know I trained as an improv comeddienne before I became a pro-Dom? I gave it up because I was doing group improv, and I had a tendency to take over the scenes.. the other artists didn't like it.

Lol. I know what you mean. I would have loved to have seen that! And comedy, no wonder you have such a cool sense of humor. I'm also thinking you've gotta do a one-woman Broadway show as a dom commedienne. I bet you'd have the press eating out of yr hand. Press slaves, that's what we artists want!

: All these videos for the course.. none of them were scripted. I wrote the title for each one, then got grounded and let Goddess use me for a mouthpiece. Improv is great for learning not to censor yourself, but to let the creativity flow unhindered.

I could tell you weren't reading or memorizing written words, because the way the words flow is speechy not written, which always seems more warm and inviting.

I've always been scared of this kind of flow, but I think it's a good thing to experience, because life is pretty much unscripted to, so if I can learn to use that kind of flow and attention and focus in life, maybe it would be a benefit.

I'm still very jazzed with creative energy. Finished a prosey short story today, and have to write another thing tonight that's due tomorrow. I may never have sex again if it means losing this energy. I'm finally beginning to understand Tantric Sex, maybe.

Hey, if yr just having sex with yrself, can you still take the couples' Tantric Sex course you offer? Do I have to pay double?

Barg

: Lol. I know what you mean. I would have loved to have seen that! And comedy, no wonder you have such a cool sense of humor. I'm also thinking you've gotta do a one-woman Broadway show as a dom commedienne. I bet you'd have the press eating out of yr hand. Press slaves, that's what we artists want!

Thanks but No thanks.. Once that would have been a dream.. no more. Then I'd have to be stuck doing the same thing over and over.. instead I'm writing a book, people can read it over and over if they want me to repeat myself.
BTW, if we both use italics then the post is hard to read.. those funny brackets with the i in the middle and /i at the end, that only show when you go to respond, are the html code for italics..

: I've always been scared of this kind of flow, but I think it's a good thing to experience, because life is pretty much unscripted to, so if I can learn to use that kind of flow and attention and focus in life, maybe it would be a benefit.

Exactly so! Ego wants to edit, to get everything right.. so much judging. Actualy, most of the vids were done in 2 takes, the second was most always better than the first, I'd warmed up to my subject.

: I'm still very jazzed with creative energy. Finished a prosey short story today, and have to write another thing tonight that's due tomorrow. I may never have sex again if it means losing this energy. I'm finally beginning to understand Tantric Sex, maybe.

For men, it means losing the energy.. for women, not neccesarily.. the secret is to ignore the fire down below, and focus on the warmth of the updraft, the sexual energy spreading through your upper body like smoke rising. For both genders, it helps to postpone orgasm as long as possible. The longer you wait to have the first, the more you can have.. till finally they flow together in ever increasing bliss.

: Hey, if yr just having sex with yrself, can you still take the couples' Tantric Sex course you offer? Do I have to pay double?

ROTFLOL!! Yer pretty funny, yourself. You are already two, yourself and your Divine Beloved. Couples get to share a membership.

  Blesssings, Blisssssssings!