How do I discern between a "what you focus on, grows" issue and a phase, clearing or something just part of the process?

The sadness and emotional pain I feel is, at some points very, very deep and intense, and I've beene wondering how long it's going to last. It seems to be coming and going.

I was told in the Tummo initiation that I had a deep sadness in me, that was related to that I didn't want to be here, in this world.

Several months ago, I repeatedly experienced a tightness in my abdomen and solar plexus. It would manifest on many different occasions, including when I would do the grounding meditation.

Later on, it started to manifest in my chest. Mostly at the center of my chest, at the front. Once before I was about to fall asleep there was an intense, orgasmic pressure there that last for about a second. After that, there is constantly a sort of tenderness there. I feel this tenderness manifest in the smallest things at times. Once I had a handful of tiny rocks in my hand, that I picked up from the gravel at the trainstation. They all looked so sacred and beautiful, it is how they felt, too.  At the same time I felt this, the sadness was lingering somewhere, as well.

The feeling in the chest remains, but it has also moved up into the throat. I feel a lump there often, like I would like to cry, or maybe laugh, or both. It sometimes goes to the extent of making my throat feel very dry, or making me cough.

Anger can come, very suddenly, very quickly, and dissipate just as quickly. Often I feel like crying, but no tears come. Spending time in the garden, taking long walks often helps, but the sadness still lingers somewhere. It's deep and often very painful. There are many things going on in my life. We have a bit of a hard time selling our old house, got some difficulties in my relationship, but the sadness doesn't seem to be directly linked to either of those things.

I often spend time letting different experiences and people come into the forefront of my conciousness, so I can forgive them, and forgive myself. There doesn't seem to be an end to it. It just keeps coming and coming.

The energy rushes are always felt at the backside of my body, the  emotions are always felt at the front. Any reason for this? Anyone have any advice on this?  I have a hard time discerning wheter it is just a process or I am focusing on something I don't need to focus on..  

Namaste!
Gustaf

I don't know Gustaf,

Right now I look inside my mind and I saw this weird sort of area. For the first time in a long time, I actually felt crazy. I saw some phenomena, and I said, whoa.

Now do I just accept that I'm not really crazy and fake it or do I focus on not going crazy.

Probably surrender, and let Goddess show me what comes next.

Gonna go play basketball!

Scott

: How do I discern between a "what you focus on, grows" issue and a phase, clearing or something just part of the process?

Hi Gustaf,

I thought some more about what you said. I wondered if I should really post my thoughts on it because I don't know if they might cure you, or make you feel worse.

Maybe you just think you are sad. The phenomena can add up to an illusion of sadness.

But it is not for me to say that you are not experiencing sadness since you can relate to all of these feelings. But also, it might be some good advice.

In Buddhism, when the mind realizes that it is angry, the anger can stop immediatly. The anger seems to have a sense of illusion, since once we realize we are angry consciously or subconsciously we can end it, with no magic tricks. It would seem that it doesn't have any intrinsic value in the being, other than the fact that we thought we were angry. But even then, the thoughts might just be another layer of phenomena, with no finite truth attatched when they arise.

This is how I go about my life, now. I don't know if it is healthy but I fundamentally have to believe in its basic wisdom.

Scott

: How do I discern between a "what you focus on, grows" issue and a phase, clearing or something just part of the process?

: The sadness and emotional pain I feel is, at some points very, very deep and intense, and I've beene wondering how long it's going to last. It seems to be coming and going.

Scott, thanks a bunch for your responses. I've come to realize what the pain is, and what I have to do about it. Absolutely nothing. Just be a witness to it and allow myself to feel it fully, with no drama, or story attached to it.

I listened to a seminar with Eckhart Tolle about what he calls the "pain body".  This clicked with me right away. Imagine an aspect of ourselves that feeds and thrives on different sorts of pain. Anger, grief, depression, victimhood. And it justifies itself through the mental conditioning.

I spent a major portion of last week travelling by train all the way to and from Germany (I live in Sweden) I had a great time at a concert where some of my music was featured together with other composers by the Philharmonic Orchestra of Prague. Truly remarkable experience.  Anyhow, on the way home, I had several connecting trains. On the way from Hamburg to Copenhagen, the train got more and more delayed, and I knew I would probably not be able to catch the next connecting train. The train personel had no info about it at the moment. The idea of being stuck a whole night somewhere (no further trains were going to go from southern sweden that day), was somehow very irritating to me.

I had burnt various CDs and stuffed them into my bag before I left on the trip, so I decided to spend some time listening to them. Not much else to do while being stuck on the train anyway! I heard about the pain body at the same time as I felt the anger and frustration and worry about being stuck somewhere. It welled up in me. It became a wonderful oppurtunity for surrender. So I just handed it all over to Goddess. No ceremony. It just happened. I caught all the connecting trains.

Some things in life are very specific.  A psychic image, a particular situation. They can be surrendered specifically.  But sometimes it doesn't seem to work, like with the pain, not in the way I am used to. I have to surrender TO it, be with it, let it have a place in me, without trying to get rid of it.

The pain comes and goes now. It's not constant any more. A constant fluctuation. Sometimes I get a bit lost, energy gets lower. I forget I am Spirit for a while and become a little monster. Then back again. Always with a new insight about it.

It's a form of grounding too, isn't it?  To be fully present in something while witnessing it.
Not trying to do anything about it makes the powerchakra feel incredibly lighter.

Thanks for letting me share.
Namaste
Gustaf

: Hi Gustaf,

: I thought some more about what you said. I wondered if I should really post my thoughts on it because I don't know if they might cure you, or make you feel worse.

: Maybe you just think you are sad. The phenomena can add up to an illusion of sadness.

: But it is not for me to say that you are not experiencing sadness since you can relate to all of these feelings. But also, it might be some good advice.

: In Buddhism, when the mind realizes that it is angry, the anger can stop immediatly. The anger seems to have a sense of illusion, since once we realize we are angry consciously or subconsciously we can end it, with no magic tricks. It would seem that it doesn't have any intrinsic value in the being, other than the fact that we thought we were angry. But even then, the thoughts might just be another layer of phenomena, with no finite truth attatched when they arise.

: This is how I go about my life, now. I don't know if it is healthy but I fundamentally have to believe in its basic wisdom.

: Scott

:
: : How do I discern between a "what you focus on, grows" issue and a phase, clearing or something just part of the process?

: : The sadness and emotional pain I feel is, at some points very, very deep and intense, and I've beene wondering how long it's going to last. It seems to be coming and going.

I can closely relate to your situation. Mine manifests in another way.

I am worried sick, that my confusion and subsequently fear over myself will manifest in the real world eventually.

There is a pain that seems to be building up. It reminds me of times that I was confused and hurting and wondering what all this phenomena is.

I see it so often. It is a memory of a memory of a memory. I can't really zoom in on it. The more I dwell on it the more I know I am in fear. The more I repress it, the more I think I am ignoring.

For a long time, I felt like my brain was malfunctioning. Like it was doing something it didn't want. I suppose this is just fear, old memories.

That is why I got into meditation and K, because my brain was not doing what I asked it to. On closer inspection, I see that the phenomena is empty.

I see its empty. And it feels like there is this gap in my life.

It feels like the only answer is that none of it REALLY happened to me, in the way that I thought. The fear was irrational. But this is tough for the brain to swallow.

To surrender and move forward, takes skill it seems.

Scott

It seems like a brutal stage.

: I listened to a seminar with Eckhart Tolle about what he calls the "pain body".  This clicked with me right away. Imagine an aspect of ourselves that feeds and thrives on different sorts of pain. Anger, grief, depression, victimhood. And it justifies itself through the mental conditioning.

I can closely relate to your situation. Mine manifests in another way.

I am worried sick, that my confusion and subsequently fear over myself will manifest in the real world eventually.

There is a pain that seems to be building up. It reminds me of times that I was confused and hurting and wondering what all this phenomena is.

I see it so often. It is a memory of a memory of a memory. I can't really zoom in on it. The more I dwell on it the more I know I am in fear. The more I repress it, the more I think I am ignoring.

For a long time, I felt like my brain was malfunctioning. Like it was doing something it didn't want. I suppose this is just fear, old memories.

That is why I got into meditation and K, because my brain was not doing what I asked it to. On closer inspection, I see that the phenomena is empty.

I see its empty. And it feels like there is this gap in my life.

It feels like the only answer is that none of it REALLY happened to me, in the way that I thought. The fear was irrational. But this is tough for the brain to swallow.

To surrender and move forward, takes skill it seems.

Scott

It seems like a brutal stage.

: I listened to a seminar with Eckhart Tolle about what he calls the "pain body".  This clicked with me right away. Imagine an aspect of ourselves that feeds and thrives on different sorts of pain. Anger, grief, depression, victimhood. And it justifies itself through the mental conditioning.

: How do I discern between a "what you focus on, grows" issue and a phase, clearing or something just part of the process?

: The sadness and emotional pain I feel is, at some points very, very deep and intense, and I've beene wondering how long it's going to last. It seems to be coming and going.

Yup, I read your post when you first posted it and got waves of sadness on and off, for 3 days after. Unsual for me to pick up on stuff like that, here, usually Goddess scrubs the cyberspace. Guess I had some to release, too.

 The difference is, I did not resist it.
Consider how much of art is an expression of sadness, how people flock to see movies that make them cry. Romeo and Juliet, sadness and tragedy can be so very beautiful in how it touches the heart to compassion.

: I was told in the Tummo initiation that I had a deep sadness in me, that was related to that I didn't want to be here, in this world.

Resistance to Life.

: Several months ago, I repeatedly experienced a tightness in my abdomen and solar plexus. It would manifest on many different occasions, including when I would do the grounding meditation.

: Later on, it started to manifest in my chest. Mostly at the center of my chest, at the front. Once before I was about to fall asleep there was an intense, orgasmic pressure there that last for about a second. After that, there is constantly a sort of tenderness there. I feel this tenderness manifest in the smallest things at times. Once I had a handful of tiny rocks in my hand, that I picked up from the gravel at the trainstation. They all looked so sacred and beautiful, it is how they felt, too.  At the same time I felt this, the sadness was lingering somewhere, as well.

So very beautiful, how you describe the emotional repression of resistance, moving into the power chakra so you can realize that judging emotions is resistance to life... and then on to open the heart. Yes, a newly opened heart is such a sensitive flower, but the vulnerability makes you strong. It is the strength of unconditional love and the grace of terrible beauty that makes you weep with the pain and laugh because it is truth.

: The feeling in the chest remains, but it has also moved up into the throat. I feel a lump there often, like I would like to cry, or maybe laugh, or both. It sometimes goes to the extent of making my throat feel very dry, or making me cough.

I find that blockage in most men, I call it "Big boys don't cry." Unshed tears. Judgment made in the power chakra repressed the second chakra and emotions get caught below the throat, in the refusal to express them. Knowing what it is, you can surrender it.
In women, a similar throat blockage appears, and its name is "If you cannot say something nice, don't say anything at all." Women are allowed to cry, but not to complain... and women complaining has created everything from voting equality to Mothers against drunk driving.  

: Anger can come, very suddenly, very quickly, and dissipate just as quickly. Often I feel like crying, but no tears come. Spending time in the garden, taking long walks often helps, but the sadness still lingers somewhere. It's deep and often very painful. There are many things going on in my life. We have a bit of a hard time selling our old house, got some difficulties in my relationship, but the sadness doesn't seem to be directly linked to either of those things.

No, it isn't related.  It is heart chakra opening, learning not to judge or resist emotions... to see Goddess and love as All that Is.
 Beauty and sadness, grief are intertwined. The rose is lovely because it fades, life is precious because we are mortal. Tragedy is beauty because it cracks our hearts wide open to bigger love... like the global outpouring after the Asian Tsunami. Like Live Aid and Ethiopia.
Humor is always based in pain, it is our emotional safety outlet. We joke about death and taxes, and laugh at Chaplin as the hapless Tramp... because there is truth, a recognition of ourselves reflected, and it is love. The human condition, is comedy and tragedy and heartbreakingly beautiful... once the chakra opens that petal... and you learn why the Buddha laughs.  

: I often spend time letting different experiences and people come into the forefront of my conciousness, so I can forgive them, and forgive myself. There doesn't seem to be an end to it. It just keeps coming and coming.

Because you are using forgiveness, which implies a judgment, duality...victimhood. It feeds a power chakra issue. The power chakra is better fed by gratitude.
 Move it up to the heart. Instead of forgiveness, apply gratitude and unconditional love, see beauty and perfection in them. Apply Namaste.

: The energy rushes are always felt at the backside of my body, the  emotions are always felt at the front. Any reason for this? Anyone have any advice on this?  I have a hard time discerning wheter it is just a process or I am focusing on something I don't need to focus on..  

Funny, I never questioned it. Just always made sense to me. Kundalini goes up the spine, the chakras are tiny points of light within the spine, and the spine is right at the back so where could emotions be but the front, inside the body? If the emotions were behind the spine they would be in the chair... If the energy went up the front it would distract you from the expressions you feel, and the information in the energy radiance in the body, front of the chakras.

: Namaste!

Right! Namaste!

: Gustaf

: Yup, I read your post when you first posted it and got waves of sadness on and off, for 3 days after. Unsual for me to pick up on stuff like that, here, usually Goddess scrubs the cyberspace. Guess I had some to release, too.

:   The difference is, I did not resist it.
: Consider how much of art is an expression of sadness, how people flock to see movies that make them cry. Romeo and Juliet, sadness and tragedy can be so very beautiful in how it touches the heart to compassion.

But I did resist it. And I have resisted for a long time. It's a fascinating experience to just let something unfold without trying to change it, pain and sadness included.

: So very beautiful, how you describe the emotional repression of resistance, moving into the power chakra so you can realize that judging emotions is resistance to life... and then on to open the heart. Yes, a newly opened heart is such a sensitive flower, but the vulnerability makes you strong. It is the strength of unconditional love and the grace of terrible beauty that makes you weep with the pain and laugh because it is truth.

:  I find that blockage in most men, I call it "Big boys don't cry." Unshed tears. Judgment made in the power chakra repressed the second chakra and emotions get caught below the throat, in the refusal to express them. Knowing what it is, you can surrender it.
: In women, a similar throat blockage appears, and its name is "If you cannot say something nice, don't say anything at all." Women are allowed to cry, but not to complain... and women complaining has created everything from voting equality to Mothers against drunk driving.  

: No, it isn't related.  It is heart chakra opening, learning not to judge or resist emotions... to see Goddess and love as All that Is.
:   Beauty and sadness, grief are intertwined. The rose is lovely because it fades, life is precious because we are mortal. Tragedy is beauty because it cracks our hearts wide open to bigger love... like the global outpouring after the Asian Tsunami. Like Live Aid and Ethiopia.
:  Humor is always based in pain, it is our emotional safety outlet. We joke about death and taxes, and laugh at Chaplin as the hapless Tramp... because there is truth, a recognition of ourselves reflected, and it is love. The human condition, is comedy and tragedy and heartbreakingly beautiful... once the chakra opens that petal... and you learn why the Buddha laughs.  

: Because you are using forgiveness, which implies a judgment, duality...victimhood. It feeds a power chakra issue. The power chakra is better fed by gratitude.
:   Move it up to the heart. Instead of forgiveness, apply gratitude and unconditional love, see beauty and perfection in them. Apply Namaste.

I noticed that. There was always a residue of discomfort after I applied forgiveness. If I observed the same memory without judgement and simply wished the person the best and gratitude, the effect was very different.

: Funny, I never questioned it. Just always made sense to me. Kundalini goes up the spine, the chakras are tiny points of light within the spine, and the spine is right at the back so where could emotions be but the front, inside the body? If the emotions were behind the spine they would be in the chair... If the energy went up the front it would distract you from the expressions you feel, and the information in the energy radiance in the body, front of the chakras.

I didn't question it either for a long time until I became so aware of it. No teacher or book or anything I encountered ever mentioned it to me.

Thanks!

Namaste
Gustaf

Gustaf wrote:
: I noticed that. There was always a residue of discomfort after I applied forgiveness. If I observed the same memory without judgement and simply wished the person the best and gratitude, the effect was very different.

Excellent student...!! The learning is experiential, and I love it when you guys sort stuff out for yourselves. It is wonderfully empowering for you, and it sticks better than when you only read about something, or have it explained.
 I love reading about it too! Watching the growing... Wheeee!

: : Funny, I never questioned it. Just always made sense to me. Kundalini goes up the spine, the chakras are tiny points of light within the spine, and the spine is right at the back so where could emotions be but the front, inside the body? If the emotions were behind the spine they would be in the chair... If the energy went up the front it would distract you from the expressions you feel, and the information in the energy radiance in the body, front of the chakras.

: I didn't question it either for a long time until I became so aware of it. No teacher or book or anything I encountered ever mentioned it to me.

: Thanks!

Well, your question is useful feedback, for me. I'm in the midst of a massive update to FST at this time, as you know... and my biggest question is to wonder, what is missing that would be useful to add? So much of Kundalini is just natural for me, so it does not occur to me to write about it until someone asks.

 I trip over assuming people know stuff because the information appears self evident to me.
 I have to remember, it comes down to chakra eyes. When all chakra eyes are open, things appear obvious to me but others experience some blindness... conversely, I have had people who have been reading my stuff for years write to me all excited because they had some experience and *got* what I was talking about.

 My reaction to that,  was an odd feeling of loneliness, because I had always thought that I was being understood. All this time they had been reading but not hearing me.

 In the end, it kind of freed up my writing, because I surrendered it. Surrendered to the futility of communication, enjoy the art of writing, for its own sake. The act of creation.

The words, no matter how well I try to craft them, are only the carrier for the Shakti energy which does the real teaching... as you have discovered. Blessings!

: Namaste
: Gustaf

: Gustaf wrote:
: : I noticed that. There was always a residue of discomfort after I applied forgiveness. If I observed the same memory without judgement and simply wished the person the best and gratitude, the effect was very different.

:   Excellent student...!! The learning is experiential, and I love it when you guys sort stuff out for yourselves. It is wonderfully empowering for you, and it sticks better than when you only read about something, or have it explained.
:   I love reading about it too! Watching the growing... Wheeee!

: : : Funny, I never questioned it. Just always made sense to me. Kundalini goes up the spine, the chakras are tiny points of light within the spine, and the spine is right at the back so where could emotions be but the front, inside the body? If the emotions were behind the spine they would be in the chair... If the energy went up the front it would distract you from the expressions you feel, and the information in the energy radiance in the body, front of the chakras.

: : I didn't question it either for a long time until I became so aware of it. No teacher or book or anything I encountered ever mentioned it to me.

: : Thanks!

:   Well, your question is useful feedback, for me. I'm in the midst of a massive update to FST at this time, as you know... and my biggest question is to wonder, what is missing that would be useful to add? So much of Kundalini is just natural for me, so it does not occur to me to write about it until someone asks.

:   I trip over assuming people know stuff because the information appears self evident to me.
:   I have to remember, it comes down to chakra eyes. When all chakra eyes are open, things appear obvious to me but others experience some blindness... conversely, I have had people who have been reading my stuff for years write to me all excited because they had some experience and *got* what I was talking about.

:   My reaction to that,  was an odd feeling of loneliness, because I had always thought that I was being understood. All this time they had been reading but not hearing me.

:   In the end, it kind of freed up my writing, because I surrendered it. Surrendered to the futility of communication, enjoy the art of writing, for its own sake. The act of creation.

:  The words, no matter how well I try to craft them, are only the carrier for the Shakti energy which does the real teaching... as you have discovered. Blessings!

: : Namaste
: : Gustaf